Avoidance

I am currently being avoided by 4 sets of people. To me there is only a reason I can think of for one, the other three are a total mystery.

These are: The TV producer delayed from last Friday
The friend who said he'd email weeks ago
Someone who had something to tell me and suddenly disappeared
MSN who are supposed to be helping me with a Windows problem but clearly isn't as important to them as they claim.

Now it's a mystery to me as the only reason I've ever dropped an issue I was in the middle of is because I forgot it. I can forget certain things and unless reminded it's gone. But none of these are. In order one is a possible lack of enthusiasm and they have other people who can replace me, two is sadly lack of concern. Three is probably embarrassment of some sort (women's emotional sort), and four they just couldn't give a shit.
This I cannot understand. Of the four I will give my prognosis:

One, 50/50 a delay as they are busy
Two, will pretend nothing's happened
Three, probably gone for good
Four, waste of time, will never reply.

Of the four all but MSN promised they'd get back to me, the other offered a service and never delivered it when I applied. I could never do anything like that. That is how I was brought up and the time it takes to write an email is minutes, just to say 'There's a delay' or whatever. But to just vanish without a word is bloody rude.
Have I done anything to bring it on me, you wonder? Besides whinging on the blog, which half of them can't even know about, no. And I may whinge but I'm always fair. I haven't (yet) just come out and said someone's a total bastard, and in fact so far I don't think anyone has been. A few psychos for sure, but I don't believe they were fully in control of what they were doing. I think it is fair to call MSN total fucking cocksucking wankers if they don't reply as they're a multimillion pound organisation who have no reason at all not to look after their customers and deserve every insult they'd get, assuming they never help me.

The others are just human, in that they have better things to do than think about me. Not everyone realises it matters to keep people informed, they assume no contact means no news and carry on doing what they're doing. I'm not blaming them as they owe me nothing besides MSN who are responsible for all their customers. But how four unrelated people can all drop me in a week is yet another phase where the same thing just happens all in a bunch.

Technically it's only the TV producer that matters as it's an audience who may end up recognising me in the street. The show I recorded on Monday may be big in Canada (I have no idea) but is on every day here and I don't think many people would have heard of it. It will still put me on the level of TV personality doubtless, but not like the wider audience on Sky 1 I only missed as the British motorway system, was closed for the day. The second issue is already, as they say in cricket, a dead ball. The news I was going to receive was a post mortem, the issue is dead and like a loved relative, getting the results of the autopsy don't bring them back and if revolting may be worse than not actually knowing the details. The third is a typical internet friend up and down. The initial enthusiasm is suddenly used up and doubts creep in, often killing it in its early stages and something that has happened to everyone sooner or later I used to know long long ago.

But my psychic intuition is pretty hard to beat. When it felt wrong it was the same as when a girlfriend goes off me. I just know it's over, not while I'm with them but just feel it when they make the decision. It was identical with Sky1, I just felt after Friday they felt I was cursed and went off the idea. There was clearly a schedule but they must have chosen someone else instead of me as I only did it with two day's notice. So that is it. I've completed a few weeks of more work than I've seen for ages (mainly unpaid but my body and mind feel the same if I'm being paid or not), am worn out and relatively free at last. Except for the disaster on Friday which hasn't been remedied (I'll contact him next week and find out one way or the other) every task is done. I may even get round to having my eyes tested now as all the urgent stuff is out of the way. I've been every two years on the dot, and now every year as I have glaucoma in the family. This is the first I've missed as my optician of 15 years or more closed down and I'm fussy where I go instead (mainly parking issues actually, as nearly all are equally able). My other place used to have a car park, are miles away but very good. They moved to a main shopping street with no parking except the usual multi story and lost my business forever. If I'm going to shlep to High Barnet the only ways I was going to go in the multi story was to use the mall it serves, but not since the model car shop closed down.
But I test my own eyesight and can tell if I need new lenses and I'm sure I don't.

Today was a typical recent mix of work and other things, I took some nice photos and had a friend over, and watched England beat Trinidad and Tobago in the last 7 minutes to go through to the quarter finals. Each day that goes by without hearing from the people on the list is another nail in their coffins of hope. MSN will be receiving the daily email treatment from next week as they probably don't read them anyway and if I send one every day for a year one may get read and replied to. It's not as if I'm paying for the stamp. Stingy bastards they are.

First entry 2003

Before I found blogspot I started a blog on my other site but wasn't set up for it so waited till I could do it properly. Here is what would have been my first entry here had I known about it, and I can't change the date so I'll put it at the top

1st update end September 2003
All the latest happenings and plans for the Kingsbury HQ.

Local news: Since I installed a separate line in July, I have been able to browse archives and do research previously not possible. I have discovered vast lists of items, information and trivia which has also led to many of the new items here such as 'Havana let's go'. I have also been able to fully use Funtrivia and similar boards, and am starting to meet some very nice new friends online.
My number plate project is almost complete, as the plates I have found have proved either to be rare but genuine foreign issues, (see relevant page) despite many being remade on UK style plates, fakes, which are many more than I would have expected, and a few that have so little to go on that they can never be discovered. My aim of finding exceptional plates proved to be impossible as all that is made can be found quite easily online, and the rest are only forgeries.
My psychic research has turned up a long list of hoaxes that seem to point to the fact that once you scratch the surface of a claim, it falls apart. Much seems to be for generating income rather than any basis in miraculous events, and human nature often seems to drive the need to earn money ahead of the way it is earned. Luckily, behind other's claims of free energy devices that disappear as soon as someone wants to test them, anti gravity powder that sinks, prophecies whose dates pass in silence etc., my own clairvoyant experiences tell me at least information can be passed between people without a physical link. This is a good foundation to build on, even though it has no extension to indicate the existence of other dimensions, aliens, spirit beings and the like, which I would love to exist, it still means science has no way to measure a power which is definitely real.
September's update adds the 'Baader Meinhof phenomenon'. That is where you learn something new (and often very unusual), and then hear it again very shortly. I had about 4 of these in a couple of weeks, and then was told of others from around the world, and from friends and family. Too exact for chance, in my opinion. I may list them all here soon.
Finally (I have to include the dark with the light) my female situation has just died completely this week. I had maybe two or three possibles on the system, and within a couple of days, all had unceremoniously eliminated themselves from my circle of possibilities. This followed an incredible run of just three replies (and they were to say they were already hooked up) to my last twenty net dating ads. These could also be seen as part of the world of coincidence, and I hope here they are over in that form and a new phase can take over. To end, this is also a weird part of coincidence, that is, phases of famine and abundance in every separate part of life. This reflects many other threads of my life, which are impossible to connect logically, but here are a few typical examples:
a run of ten or more emails sent not being replied to
no personal letters for ages, then three or four on the same delivery
no girlfriends for ages, then meet two on successive days
no new clients for ages, then four book for same day (happened again, one left then someone came the next day from the same office, neither knew the other had come). I also have weeks now where three or four clients all cancel together, then two or three start on the same day.
I could go on, but that gives an accurate picture of what appears to me to be each area of my life moving from frequencies of emptiness to ones of abundance and back, via a force totally unknown to me.

Making sense of chaos

Before I start, this shows at least the Japanese have taste, as they not only make the best quality cars but have realised that however new they may be, there's nothing to stop them making the fronts look 50 years old when they had faces. Here's one of the only models made of the 'classic' range, this is Subaru's retro version of their Vivio. We have a couple of hundred Daihatsu Mira Classics made in 1998 here but that's all.

Anyway, on to Wednesday. Free at last. Apart from a new client tomorrow which is fine really I have cleared my load of crap out of the way. Waiting for nice things to happen is another story and I haven't heard from Sky 1 since Friday to rearrange their visit, and I get a bad feeling they have gone off the idea though with no reason to. I now see blogger has joined Funtrivia in double-shifting so my paragraphs are going to look funny till it gets sorted out. (paragraph) By the law of averages I meet some hot women (as we all do) and though I like them, if I meet a) 100 b) 1000 and c) 1000000 how many will it need before one thinks I'm nice as well? So far the last in practice was 1980 and in theory was 1992 as she said she did and buggered off with a friend she was with previously. I've established, purely through my blog and comments, that I have an average chance of getting a woman, all things considered. The major disadvantages are weighed out by the advantages so I end up roughly in the middle, and most average people are married by 30. I've fiddled around working, studying and then writing and painting, picking up women who either want to marry me within weeks who I see as attractive as a glass of urine in the desert. It might do the job but I'd rather have anything else in preference (depends whose urine, but that's another matter).

I have gone overboard doing other things to keep busy, and few have worked. I imagine men in prison for years getting nothing, and though I get my share at random times from old girlfriends who I didn't choose to keep but they prefer what they know (women tend to bond for a very long time unlike men who move on) it's all second best. If someone gives you two sweets, one tastes like garlic and another strawberry, both are similar, perform the same function but you like one and tolerate the other. You can't change the taste and I can't change how I react. No wonder I'm so bitter and twisted, I haven't had anyone decent for as long as I remember. Being the most important thing in my life that's a recipe for an unfulfilled life, though other things are pretty useful as well if they happen. But apart from enlightenment without the sex little else really counts for more than a few minute's happiness.

So, without the use of a prostitute (somehow I am left with a few standards, plus unless they could advertise I'm not going knocking on doors until I find one I like) I can miss out for life. If my friend hadn't been so jealous he ordered his ex back as I had met up with her things would be totally different. Even if I'd had to get rid of her as she had holes in her brain (just imagine what someone would be like with that, and that was her, she was born like that) I'd have had one of the best I know and could die happy. If I died tonight I'd have knocked off half the second level ambitions of life and maybe two of the top. That is not enough, but even if I live to 95 I can't engineer the others. So the best things are the hardest to get. Is that a way to design life? I don't need a sense of achievement except for exams just so I know they didn't make it easy and I really was clever. Otherwise I'd like things easily, though others prefer a challenge that's their concern. Cause and effect. The further I look the more sense it makes. I have been given impossible situations and reacted as anyone else would. I should know, it's my profession...

Breaking wind

As I haven't found any smoking guns, and there's no breaking news, one thing I can always rely on is breaking wind.
It's been a bit of an odd day, too much conflict and confusion for my liking, all totally outside my predictions and ended up basically working with the computer in between as it's been raining so little else besides a few programmes on TV. That's dried up now (unlike the weather), and no use at all now I know only winter rain gets used, the rest evaporates before anyone can store it. So I suppose the plants still need it so the water companies are literally taking the piss... But now I'm back on my picture and I've never drawn so many railings in my life (I had chain links in the last one). Good geometric training though, and they look fairly realistic.

I watched the presenter who filmed with me yesterday after being directed to (and by) Araya on Discovery Kids. I clearly had a Canadian celebrity sitting in my house and working with me, an experience I've never had in my life till yesterday. Next I wonder who could be working with me? A big brother housemate maybe, or Harry Hill? Unlikely, as so far I am on TV to hypnotise people, and unless a celebrity sees it and wonders if they've been abducted I'll need to do something more entertaining in future if I can get the exposure. I was going to see my grandma in her recovery position (as I have decided to call the nursing home) which is a geriatric version of the Big Brother house. The lounge has a similar layout and the residents hover around gossiping and arguing with each other. She's there a week more and will then see how she manages at home, especially as she doesn't want anyone there to look after her (besides family).

Well, there's little left besides the media progress, the major step being Sky One to reschedule so I can actually be watched by more than 7 people next time. The magazine is scheduled for July at last so that may help my career, though the silence on my latest article isn't promising. So, now if it was a film with tidy beginnings, middle and endings, I'd be set up with a woman next. I can't expect anything now and just let nature take its course. Other people's nature mainly as I described already. So no TV, crap on the radio and little else to do as it's raining. What would you do? I've probably thought of it already.

Smoking guns

At the moment most of my progress is smoking guns. Clues there is an intelligence behind our own which can control matter, time and dimensions. Today's hypnosis again confirmed messages about a technology beyond science, which simply does as I said yesterday (note, before this information came through) through mind over matter. If you can teleport a penny you can teleport a spaceship. Of course. There's no such thing as a small miracle. If you break the laws of physics you can teleport a bogie or an elephant, it makes no difference. Once the principle is established it is open for all.

Besides that shift in perception it would be nice to present me with a femal companion by the same means. I've earned it. I've spent hours in restaurants, car journeys that would never end, audiences and the like (some of which I enjoyed back then) as well as all the right things one does with a woman that very few respond to or appreciate. Had I sworn at them and called them a whore I suspect I'd have got 80% more into bed than being what I would call a decent human being, which I am. And just by knowing a woman is for more likely to want sex with a man who calls her an ugly whore (and now I know why as well) than a gentleman, being a gentleman forces me not to use that route however more successful it has proved to be. Not turning up, being late, dropping arrangements and making a woman feeling you're doing her a favour to see her, has by nature been made to turn up her heat. I didn't make that rule and I won't act like an arse to exploit it. I know the way it works after most of my life learning. But maybe people who act like that will end up losing in the end. I only hope so.

Otherwise life is back to normal having completed another TV filming. I'm awaiting a rearrangement for the third, which is the biggest as far as audience, but have been told I met a very famous Canadian presenter today. I asked about his programme, which I'd never heard of, and he said 'Check the schedule'. It was on almost as we spoke... I'll check it out tomorrow as it's on every day this week. His CV is certainly impressive, he's been with a few stars and clearly pretty high in the profession despite being no older than an even more successful Wayne Rooney. But today I decided I'd crossed the line from wanting to meet celebrities to wanting to be one others wanted to meet. I always did and at last it's happening. Bonuses of being able to spend more than £2000 on a car (not that there's a thing wrong with mine) or move to an area where houses are the same as when they were built by law won't be turned away either, plus the other people you'd meet and of course the inevitable women. I reckon if I made it to a chat show I'd just say 'Listen Parky/Wossy/Oprah, if there are any single women out there who think they'd like to spend the rest of their lives with me, knowing all they do, please form an orderly queue and we'll speed date it out to the finish' I'd get engaged within the week. Tv makes dreams possible simply by exposure. If you spent a million on dating ads it would have the same effect, as some have, using billboards and the like, and it works. Nothing else has, so that's my last resort, but without paying for it.

Well, tomorrow is back to the usual routine but quite acceptably. Just the usual selection of work and the like, and the rest of the week so far is relatively free. But if there is a higher intelligence, please don't make me wait before I'm famous before I can get a woman, there must be a more direct route than that even if I don't know it. And one which doesn't involve a flight to the far east...

Philosophy of chaos

Inspired by Nick Roach (as I frequently am) I saw a lot of my life in what he wrote, that when we want a sense of achievement life then presents ordeals so we can feel we've overcome them when we do. In fact the stress of going through the ordeals now outweighs far more any achievement I now have, and I have lost all need to achieve another thing as long as the alternatives are being content in life and having no more challenges.

Being let down, disappointed and stressed are part of all lives. Only the enlightened have any insulation from it, though some say even then things get to them, so maybe none are truly immune. Last week was a great deal of stress, followed by achievement when I managed it all without wobbling, and then total disappointment when my filming fell through (temporarily, I've been told) on Friday as I twiddled my thumbs all effing afternoon for absolutely nothing.
I was left with nothing to show for the week after all that, and will report on further developments as they happen in a day or two.
I've also realised the bad news I was promised in the email well over a month ago is better not known, as hearing a possible date 8 years ahead or reasons why they can't come back will just close an issue that has technically been dead for 4 years anyway. This is all chaos, as whatever an individual does, the rest of the world is too diverse to control all but the slightest elements. Of course you notice it all as if in HDTV when alone, as there's no relief from it by being able to share it at the time or laugh it off afterwards. Every disaster that happens in or to my house is my problem alone and experienced by no one except the rich buggers who are paid to fix it when they eventually decide to do it. I know exactly why people take drugs as it's the easiest way to escape, but the associated damage to your body is too high a price to pay, and the less effective but safer meditation is all there really is, and can work better in the long run if you're lucky enough (from what I can tell time spent is only one element of success).

I can't be alone in my view. Every time there was a fork in the road in my life it took me away from any outside experiences, from work to social. Eventually I was left unemployable and virtually friendless. Every twist in the road wasn't my choice, as in unlike when I chucked my first girlfriend in 1972 it was my mistake and something I could only learn from. The jobs were simply either ended from lack of business, or never accepted in the first place. If you have problems and are prepared to work selectively, get nothing and then get worse, you may never be able to work again. As for friends, each got on with their own lives until I was left behind and hadn't met anyone to replace them, yet. That never happened before. I did meet a girlfriend as soon as the last friend went west (literally and metaphorically) but she didn't last due to her health problems. That was it, and that was 4 years ago. So since then I've had one job interview and no new women. I put as much effort as anyone can in both but discovered unless you're prepared to take any old crap (in both areas) you will never gain success from effort in either area. You can't do nothing, but it's a combination of simply asking anyone the slightest bit suitable as many times as you can, though in fact many of both come when they're offered to you, jobs more than women but illustrates the uncontrollable nature of all.

So chaos rules, and Nick says rather than try and kill yourself by beating the system, just watch. Eventually the attachment to what goes on grows smaller until you are barely affected at all. The crap goes on but you don't care, though he adds once you lose your attachment the crap actually reduces as it's only you who are creating it. That is a philosophical leap you can only ever know if you become enlightened, and aren't expected to accept on spec. I certainly don't, and luckily his teaching doesn't rely on an intellectual acceptance of the truth (according to him) but an awareness of it through doing so. And it certainly beats the ups and downs (mainly downs) of the alternative. For whatever I've won I feel I've lost far more in return, from my mother's presence to every woman or friend I ever cared about. In return I have a house and a few qualifications that aren't good enough to get a job. Big fucking deal...

A walk in the park

Bunch of arse

What a bummer. I waited all fucking day and the crew from Sky coming to film me were held up in Britain's possibly worst traffic hold up 50 miles away. It wasn't even on the TV news, only the radio traffic reports, but this jam went from a road closure on the M25 in Reigate up the M1 almost as far as Leicester. That's 100 miles and the road was closed for 8 hours. Good timing. They'll be back though and maybe the fact I'll have done another alien abductee regression in between will give me a lot more to talk about.

So I hung around all day while they phoned every so often telling me they were later and later until they gave up altogether as they had a 100 mile journey they'd barely started over 3 hours. I couldn't start anything, do anything or go anywhere as they may have turned up any minute until they didn't and most of the day was gone. I was just pleased it was my second filming as had that happened on my debut I'd probably have had a heart attack with the disappointment.

So there's sod all happening right now, England have their first game in the World Cup at 2 tomorrow which I'm sure will be really exciting against Paraguay (yawn) and that's it. But there is a request I have for everyone here. The 20/20 optical store advertise on LBC 'Eye examinations while you wait'. Now if you google them (the URLs here are far too hard for me to make a link) and send them an enquiry along the lines 'Please can you tell me what other sorts are available?' they may realise they are probably the stupidest fuckers who ever had an ad on the radio. I've been a listener to commercial radio since it began and I'd never heard a blooper like that, especially every day- you'd think someone would have had a quiet qord but it's been on for over a month now.

I've had the busiest week for ages, very glad to have both managed it and got it out of the way, but my reward is postponed. Shows you can only take what you have and never expect anything ahead as it's not reliable. On the unreliable front I've realised as long as my friend doesn't tell me his plans to stay in America it'll be in the air and once he tells me I'll be totally certain in my disappointment. So never email me and tell me, I'll just wait 8 or 10 years and hear when you're coming back out of the blue. Better than knowing and having to forget the whole idea of seeing you again, as near as damnit.

Lucy being a cat

As it says...

Releasing the devil

As I've already related all the nonsense I've done today on Funtrivia (as this wasn't working again) I am allowing the stream of consciousness to open a second time and see what happens.
Sometimes a fleeting idea comes in I wonder if will be useful, then I meditate on it and usually find it doesn't, but at least i've eliminated it from my possibilities. But one I think may have legs is finding the source of happiness. Not outside, but just the source in you. Like tracking down the source of the river, you follow everything you can that makes you feel happy (in your mind), and then keep doing it and see if the feeling grows. If you can get to a point where the feeling takes over anything that's going on outside, you've won. In my own past I was very happy unless something blocked it. In my case studying for exams was the greatest cloud, lack of success with women and then my mother leaving. It's pretty hard to feel happy with most of the things you need gone or things you don't want to do stopping you from doing what you really want.

Now I'm so used to having an empty life happiness is almost a memory. If anything makes me happy now it's like a flash of lightning that hardly ever occurs and is over in seconds. Not anything to feel sorry for me for, but just a random series of events that ended with just the basics and absolutely no more. Not enough for anyone, as I've discovered. People in prison have a roof over their heads and food, and no need to worry about income, but I doubt many of them are happy. And besides the fact my doors open I haven't even got anyone with me, which in prison is only used as a punishment, and temporary. I am on an indefinite solitary, and not the slightest chance of altering that.

So, it's very logical why I won't be likely to be happy relying on outside events, and studied mysticism to look for other ways. As Nick Roach says, being an expert from study is useless if what you know doesn't work when you try it. So just because I can quote worldwide gurus and ideas unless they work for me all I do is move the mess around without clearing it up, as my mother describes most of my life as it goes.
The funny thing is it really only needs one person of a level I find in maybe 5% of all women, which is millions. Eliminate the ones who are taken, too old and too young and you're down to hundreds, then the ones that don't like me and currently it's zero. My family either say it's because I don't go out enough (wrong) or that I'm peculiar (much closer). My recent dream's message was not to take anyone less easygoing as the one in it, so that means if woman A comes across I'll take the fun but won't commit myself to a life of being bossed around just for the sex. But if woman B, the one with a chance impossible to calculate in earth numbers comes across I should take her and hold on to her regardless of any other details. She won't push me around, and as long as she's happy to continue her exploits without a male partner we should make a very happy couple. Like I expect to have a choice. Though I've never had any trouble choosing, I only remember one time I had two girlfriends at once where neither wanted to get rid of me (making my decision redundant) and I was direct enough just to tell one Janet I'd met someone else (another Janet) as I am male and at 17 was definitely beyond any form of diplomacy, which I'm still mastering the basics of.

Dreams have been my last anchor in life. Had I not dreamed about being married and having a family I wouldn't have anything to aim for, as it's never happened to me. You can imagine it, but dreaming it as if it's real is totally different. I even met someone once who looked almost the same as one of the first women I was in love with in a dream but she was a total misery. And I have just realised most happened in Hampstead, which is where I went to school and then worked for half my life altogether. I only met a few girlfriends there while at my second school and they were nothing special. I actually met the most in Hendon and Finchley (and they also lived there) and also a fair number from abroad who either dumped me before they returned or may have left this country again as a reaction...

But take a note from Big Brother. The couples there can't go out so get to know each other purely on how they get on and not how impressive the places are they go to. That is how it should be. God forbid if I got married would I want to carry on 'dates', in fact I can't be bothered to now after 34 years of them. If I never walked in another restaurant or cinema again it wouldn't be too soon. It's the sex and company (probably in that order) that count (I think the opposite for women) and most of the places I go out most women don't like anyway. Besides steam trains, which are all miles away, unless they like long walks and taking photos and films they'll just have to be content with my impressions. I remember one girlfriend who I took out a few times when I collected train tickets. Yes, she found it fascinating waiting in the car while I scoured platforms for any discarded items of interest, and began a small tradition of taking pictures of me by station signs. Actually my father did the first long before as he said you won't see many people at Gunnislake in Cornwall, which is probably true, and is only there as there's no road access from the south of Devon. I took one of the sign at Exton years later, as there was no one to take me there, but then the general ones began in Kemble when we were on holiday in the Cotswolds.

I also have videos my friend took when we went to Yorkshire, Hampshire and Birmingham which are now unrepeatable as the tickets I collect stopped in 1988 and that friend is the one now in America. I went to Birmingham twice with him and once with someone else as they had lots of stations, was easy to get to and had a vast selection of tickets. I think out of all the places I liked Wylde Green the most, probably as it was more like London. I also stayed in Manchester twice with different friends for weekends and collected some prize tickets there, the best being one about 30 years old as it was only used on match days from Old Trafford Football Ground to Manchester. They were some of my best memories, I also used to drive the length of Essex regularly with friends to Southend or Colchester as they had some very good tickets, and the south coast was another good source, ending up in Poole the day they removed their old tickets and just getting a few of the last they ever issued. My coup was after writing to British Rail and getting to Burry Port in West Wales the day they got rid of theirs and the station master saving a heap for me in advance. I was there and back in 8 hours and working that evening. Oh to be young again... Chicken pie in Llanelli buffet. Yes, some things will never be back.

Blogger's back!

Oy gevalt! I was waiting four hours before I could get back in after the latest crash. Am I relieved!

Not that I had anything special to say, but I have flooded my other blog as a result but will still have enough here that may not be so polite as my Funtrivia version.
It's all work and no play this week. Very productive but tiring as hell, and I barely have a chance to get off the train before it's back on again (metaphorically speaking). If it was spread out, fine, but it's all concentrated into one week, which I am neither used to or like, but I'm buggered if I can rearrange even one hour of it as each requires other people's availability and would piss a few off mightily if I was to try and mess them around (not that they don't when it suits them, but I won't go down to their level).

Besides all that, I reckon if I could go into a yogic trance (samadhi) tomorrow that would solve all my problems. In India anyone who can do that is called a saint so I don't think it's something many of us could learn even if we practised for a lifetime. As my friend there says the same faces go to the gurus every day for years and most continue as they haven't yet got anywhere so keep on hoping. My guru (for I have one, Indian but the type who travels to his followers) doesn't focus on spending time with him (an hour a week on video is sufficient) but meditation for an hour a day. It can work for me but the economy has put me off for the last couple of years, which technically I believe should work as if it can a few times it should a lot more. When I have more time I'll do more as I've been round the guru block and apart from Nick Roach who basically aims for the peak and there's really little happening between the base camp and the summit, from what I can gather. There may be signs on the path you're getting somewhere, but not here yet.

Otherwise I am trying simply to stay in the present and not think of the bad and good days ahead in my diary. Some work is such a pain in the arse it really isn't worth the little money it generates. But how can anyone pick and choose with £300 gas bills to pay? The work I'll do tomorrow will pay for about four days food so I'm not in a position to drop it regardless of the fact I have no day off this week and feel it already. Also having no woman here to have sex and look after me means everything I do on the work front is combined with looking after a house single handed and like stay at home mothers, it really is a full time job (if you actually bother to do everything that needs doing). If I get married I hope to be a house husband and work from home in between looking after two or three children. At my age that has reduced to one or two as at 60 having three kids still at school may be a bit too much for me. That was my plan for 30 rather than 50 and as it may never happen I may even end up advertising as I don't intend to go out without a child of my own.

What else? No news on the article yet, but compared to TV appearances I'll live either way without that. Two filming dates now in four days, which considering the coincidental elements in my life is pretty amazing after doing the same work for 5 years with only one filming up till now. It really shouts of a higher power arranging things, and the trouble is though a few others say they feel the presence of one I can see the actions at times but in between everything can be such total cack I find it hard to believe both situations can occur at the same time. As blogger was down you were saved a list of all my train journeys, but it is on my funtrivia blog, which is linked on the left. I think the time has come to add some more of my exhaustive lists since Ben started me off on his blog. I suspect he never reads mine but I get my own back by posting them on his as well. You can run but you can't hide...

Can someone fix the system?

A new and different day. I won't plan ahead besides to say I have two dates in my diary in the next week and will report as they arrive. But tempting fate isn't a good idea and blogging is about the present and past, not the future.

So in the present I have been busy since my last post. Seen my grandma who is almost back to her old self following the removal of her kidney just over a week ago. Then did quite a bit in the back garden despite a dwindling number of tools (the sort of typical mindless thing the local kids do for no apparent reason). Usual food supplies collected later, though the Coop was already closed I had to go opposite, so I got fewer meals but may benefit from having no crisps, which are not good for my weight. On the fitness front, though the size hasn't reduced I now appear to have a flat stomach for the first time in almost 20 years. I can also lift 2X25kg dumbells the full 8 times, as well as 60kg barbells. This is not a great achievement when you see people half my size (though taller) walk in after a few months at the gym and lift more. But compared to what I started with (7.5 kg dumbells first) I'm doing OK. Though it didn't occur to me to measure my biceps when I started (like who does?) they're now 13". If that means nothing measure your own and tell me what they are in comments. It looks pretty big anyway.
I saw a new picture of the three stages in body building, and according to them after 3 1/2 years I'm in the middle. So unless I double my efforts I can't look like a pro for another 3 years. Blimey! OK, by then I should have no trouble doing 30kg dumbells and 80kg barbells which must have more practical uses than carrying shopping, people may finally notice how I look, which has been something absent since I reached about 16 when everyone grew taller than me.

I am in a cat and mouse game with a woman at the moment, who probably isn't reading this but I'd better be careful in case. Of course I want to shag her brains out but she has given me no clues either way and I really am fed up not wanting to say anything too soon. Of course there's another woman who is also extremely unlikely to read this who's brains I'd like to blow out using my tongue in various locations, and again she has given me even fewer clues, and the next time I see her my move will be made. But for once why am I making all the moves and twists nearly always ending in laughter or disgust on their side? Thinking of the few times women have tried it on with me, of course I only remember a couple of times I turned them down (they were frightening) but accepted the other few simply because I'm a man. But one nearly put me off sex as frankly it's barely worth it with anyone not attractive. It's partly the British reserve, and it means that here the few women who act like men tend to look like them. Any attractive and feminine woman plays the virgin card and acts like she's giving you her soul rather than her body. Bollocks they are. It takes two for sex, and with heterosexuals the numbers engaging are 50-50 even. That means every man who has sex has it with a consenting woman. They are not pure, virginal or anything else. They are just pretending they are special. In a way they are, but holding us to ransom and wasting our time for months being friendly knowing full well they wouldn't go near us if we were the last man on earth is simply taking advantage.

How long can it be that an attractive British woman offers herself to any man who likes her, let alone me? I mean it's been 25 years since I got one by working on it myself, and the one who threw herself at me was a lot longer ago than that. There was one disastrous exception in 1992 where my friends beautiful but brain damaged (I do pick them...) ex girlfriend arrived on my doorstep at work, only for him to grab her back out of sheer jealousy before I laid a finger on her, well on anywhere interesting anyway. And she made my dinner regularly which is something I can't remember anyone else doing more than a couple of times.

I will add I had another dream the other night about an ideal woman. I wonder if that one was to show me not to settle for anyone not like her (as I was about to), but the sheer emptiness of living alone couldn't be better than being with someone who isn't as easygoing as she could be as at 46 how long are you supposed to wait for more and better? I would think the second and much less likely prospect would be far better in the long term, shock and surprise everyone but of the two options understands me far more than I think the other ever could. But for once why can't one of them write this sort of stuff about me for a change? I know women do as I read it. But all I seem to raise in the way of anything positive is a laugh. It may get a few women into bed but money is far better despite not wanting anyone who responded to it. I may be busy on the career front at the moment but there will always be the times in between I would like some female company. Probably about 97.5% of them.

When nothing happens

Everyone has awful things to do, it’s not just me. But most have a balance of good, as I used to, which takes the focus away from the bad jobs and to what’s beyond them, like coming home to a family. I have had to accept hope is a fiction no less than Father Christmas, as things change, if they do, as and how they wish and not as I wish. Simple counselling and Buddhist knowledge. No one changes for you and the weather is the same whoever it rains on. We can’t stop our lives being dictated by others and nature as I worked out already, and now I am accepting that is the case and can only ever be so.

That means that: Every woman who ever chose someone else over me will stay with them and even if they do split up still won’t want me. Any shit rule that affects me like the congestion charge will stay as long as it pleases. No one will turn up and offer to live with me just because I want them to. Etc etc. That is reality. It’s the same for everyone of course, though I still await to hear what the angels have to say about it. Even aliens who are alleged to watch everything some of us do are only doing that, watching. The last thing they’d ever do with the power to view from 80 light years away is actually help. So using the word hopeless is the most accurate one I can see to cover every aspect of life. Hope is only real when based on a known chance. If, as I do, I have a woman coming to see me, I have assessed the chance of a relationship as 5%. That is gambling odds, not hope. Hoppe, like its brother faith, is based on fantasy, and nothing else. I should know. I’ve tested both to their limits recently to discover this conclusion that both are man made elements combining superstition with religion to try and take the edge off the real nasty issues of life. They don’t help me and technically have no benefit for anyone once they see through them for what they are, a cloud of smoke obscuring the fact nothing changes.

But this is not the symptom of depression, it’s the outcome of a study with the only conclusion that was possible. So the eastern view, that you have to develop a feeling in you that transcend what goes on outside as basically what goes on outside is only going to piss you off in the long run, they got that one dead right. There are a few techniques to get to this state, none of which I know are quicker than the Chinese water torture of formation of stalagmites. But they’re the only methods I know and work so slowly and subtlely I reckon if they work you may not even notice. But now I know that’s all there is. Not that I didn’t practice already, far from it. But now I can rely on nothing else outside. Even if things improve it’s only temporary and as soon as you get comfortable it’s bound to fall apart again, which is its nature. Basic Buddhism. That, though, is not being a hippy, as Buddhists are almost 3000 years old and didn’t use drugs to reach their highs. Just having to accept life has no rose tint to it, and like the weather is totally neutral and unthinking. We can be moved up by highs if we’re willing to be knocked down by lows, and as Nick Roach says they rarely even themselves out, as we both discovered independently the lows are stronger.

So if I live alone for the rest of my life, never get another girlfriend and have no better health again, that’s it. People can and have been in really bad situations but happy, as they didn’t use the world to get their happiness. There is undoubtedly a source within that the outside covers up sooner or later. If you relocate the source independent of outside crap, you’ve won. The trouble is this is called enlightenment, and it’s the prerogative of the fewest people on earth according to the masters. Not a confident prospect either. But the only one which isn’t based on hope but reality. I’ve seen the leaves on the tree enough to know the whole lot is real, and however hard it may be to get there that’s all I have now I’ve eliminated all the fluff. But that’s nothing new, that was all I ever had, I’m just sure of it now.

May's review

Looking back I had a fairly useful week. Firstly, despite no guarantee of use, I wrote an article for a select but fairly prestigious magazine. Then I saw a nice view of a roof garden near my mum, which led to enough new pictures I decided to invest in a Flickr pro account so I could keep adding photos indefinitely, and am now well over 50 into my new paid area. When you reach a point in life when visits to the local grocers becomes worth reporting something has hit a low point, but it also means I appreciate and notice every tiny detail of my life, and if there’s nothing interesting to report (like many people) I report whatever I can. Including the Polish biscuits and chocolates which no doubt various visitors will also discover. I don’t think there are many places in towns with a very different way of life to my own, there are only so many variations on shops, parks and local characters (or lack of) wherever you are in the world, which is one reason I don’t really care about holidays any more. You still wander around shops (now the same as in Brent Cross) and eat in anonymous places which are no different (besides the superior food I must admit) to any in Finchley or Hendon. Sitting by a pool or beach in hot weather is OK for a while, but not a week or two any more, which is the only major difference abroad. They have hot weather for more than a few days a year. But I can live without it nowadays really.

Generally I have had to accept the way of the world exactly as it is. Nothing happens because you want it to. You do your best, some things work, others don’t, and ultimately any more is down to other people’s choices or nature.
I have learnt one very useful rule though. You don’t always have to do things the right way to succeed. A few people have made incredible allowances for my recent health problems, and been allowed to not do various things I thought were virtually compulsory. Since taking a 3 year counselling course where every move we made was watched, I’ve been a bit over cautious since. I know it’s only people who pay me or go to bed with me who need keeping right, but I still overdo the worrying. But a lot less now as I did manage to get excused from various duties recently as I literally wasn’t up to it and the reasons were accepted fully. So less to worry about in future. Also having a cat is another reason I can’t just stop and disappear for days or longer, even if I could do with a break. Plus anyone who watches the Osbournes has a sample of the mopping up we all have to do after animals, plus the strays who arrive in the rain or any other reason to come inside. I still won’t get rid of my carpets as anything else is uncivilised and just makes the place seem like a huge bathroom. Which of course as far as the cats are concerned it is. Like the true story when our friends had a meal in France and asked where the toilet was, their host opened the back door, pointed to the garden and said ‘wherever you want’, and gave them a spade. Lucy is house trained but if other cats come in she marks her territory. Enough said.

I am being well trained not to look ahead. Hope and faith seem like leftovers from the dark ages, and there are a few unpleasant tasks I have little or no way of avoiding, and it’s better not to look, and definitely not imagine anything good happening as if it does it’ll be fine, and if not I’d only be disappointed. But I can look back on May, and say that I did more than I expected. Plenty of shopping including the DVD burner, which I finally got to work without needing to return it. I took lots of photos, did plenty of mine and my mum’s gardening and bought and sold a car. I’ve got all the notes I needed from the doctor and only have a few little jobs like an eye test and haircut left, mainly as my own optician has gone after about 15 years. But I don’t care about the hair (only my grandma makes me cut it otherwise it would be shoulder length) and I can see OK so I doubt either really matter. So I carry on and make the best of a pretty bare situation. I’ve been put in a similar compound to the Big brother house, but with no people. I have been given (or earned) enough money to buy as many bits of stuff I want, but very rarely anyone to share them with. I can go out and see people and have visitors, but know, like when my friends used to come round, unlike my friends with brothers and sisters I knew mine had to go. So I know what I’m missing but can’t do anything about it. And unlike Big brother, they rarely make the people suffer too much. When they take away the toilet paper one day they find a way to let them get it back the next. But in the real world nothing’s taken care of besides the National Health. If you go broke you go broke. Last year my money was stopped and I realised the welfare state was actually conditional, and not automatic for those on low or no incomes. Hardly anyone realises this and I only do as I had six months with no money coming in at all. Then my iron guttering and wooden beams rotted and I had to spend £3000 otherwise someone could be killed as each piece fell down. Normal household duties but not always possible to pay for. As it was my first major expense in years I’d saved for such an occasion, but not everyone can. So we do our best and hope we don’t reach the lowest levels. But reaching some higher ones would be nice…

Pissing around

That is what I've been doing all day, not a bit of anything constructive in outsider's terms, but I began by running Google Earth for the first time, which is like Getmapping but 1000 times closer and clearer and navigates as you press the arrows and zooms infinitely variably. They clearly seem to take the whole earth as a view (no idea how they cover it all) but once I found my house saw the cars outside and plastic falling off my garage roof could see it was at least a year old. But it's a hobby I'll be exploiting for some time I suspect. I also looked up the address of someone I met on holiday in 1974, and for the first time saw the pub where he lived in the North of Scotland Struy Inn

It's only 4 O clock, so maybe something more useful will get done next, I've had to record a whole heap of programmes as I'm going to my mum and she refuses to watch Big Brother, but the trouble is Friday is eviction night and there's only a 50-50 chance I can get home without hearing the result somehow. I hate lots of TV programmes but not enough not to allow them on my tv...
I'm taking the camera with me as there are a few more locations, and I also have the freedom to take absolutely everything now I have a Flickr Pro account. But the toll of being on my own for nearly 3 days is showing, I'm beginning to feel like a castaway and is a similar feeling to going for a poo without anything to read. Pretty lost. I am now following up a new project to try out an antenna that can twist space and time. I'm getting it around next week, and will have to apparently be careful what I wish for as I may be playing with more than I bargained for. Or not. But this is from someone I know who is honest and have no reason to think he's imagining it, but I can only know by testing it myself.

Otherwise it's exactly a month since my friend said he'd try and email me about his plans to stay in America. Clearly I am the bottom of his list of priorities now I'm so far away and I've just had to accept I am in the past to him however much they'll always be in the present for me regardless of distance. Some people put down deeper roots than others, and others can move on and virtually forget their past for the present. Not me, the longer I've lived here the more attached I've become to little things like road signs, paths, houses and other features I've often known all my life. I couldn't see the point of moving to any other country once you've become used to your own, which is why one of my requirements for a wife would be not to move abroad. I'd be so lost in another country the marriage would mean little in comparison. I remember any holiday that wasn't up to scratch in the past I just counted the days till home, and even on some of the good ones started to miss local scenes after a while. Dogs and cats again. A dog will follow its owner anywhere, but a cat likes home and can go back for miles after the family moves.

So, I need a woman who sees the person as overshadowing all their faults. That means she (just as I do) has no need to go to places with that person, but being with them is enough. I know this happens in many marriages where one person falls apart and the other sticks with them, but it can happen when you meet someone who's already falling apart and still accept them. And the right woman would help many of my issues so would be bound to improve as well. I hope. Meanwhile just for fun I think of the woman abroad who is happy to travel alone and has no apparent need for a man. There are two sides to this. The negative is that she may not want a man at all, but the positive is is she gets one wouldn't rely on them to take her everywhere. When I go out on my own (as I usually do nowadays) it would be enough to know I was coming home to someone (which I don't). Of course all the usual stuff would be done together, but travelling and going to shows isn't my thing any more, and any woman will just have to take me as I am. There is a strange phenomenon when I can switch and be able to do things but it's a random process, besides having the tablets that contributed to my inner peace suddenly being rejected by my intestines. The ones I take now take the edge off, but they are not constant like the others, I take them as and when I need them and they don't last all day on a single dosage.

On a final note, the number of intelligent educated people I know on the same or similar tablets to me is incredible. It's as if my own reaction to 21st century life is spreading and soon, because many places have become so uncivilised, will become a normal reaction as more people reach their tolerance limits. When I was in Devon my maximum tests were sitting in a concert (which I used to try every few weeks or so just to practice) or spending the night in a woman's room. The nearest towns could be reached in 15-20 minutes for as many miles, and though even Newton Abbott may have gone the way of everywhere else since I was last there Totnes never could be, and when desperate we could always go to Paignton for extra supplies which is pretty suburban. Both myself and my father nearly moved there years ago, he was unable to sell his house and I was unable to get a job so it didn't happen, but it was a possibility for a while had, as per usual, other people made our decisions for us.
That is over half our lives, we are where we are partly through one person's choice which either did or didn't conflict with ours. I live here as a person changed his mind about accepting my offer on his house about 10 miles away. We didn't move away from London altogether as my father took so long to sell his house and by the time he did I already had my house in Surrey where he still lives. Even the car I have was because the person I know with a car for sale was too busy to contact me, and by the time someone wanted mine the other one I wanted was sold, and mine turned up literally off my father's road a few days later. My choice was limited by what was available rather than exactly what I wanted. So if you combine a person's decision as to whether they want to:

go out with you
sell you their house
buy or sell a car
use your work
marry you
employ you
reply to your letter/email
do a job for you
come to visit you
live in another place/country

etc etc., you see many of the biggest elements of our lives such as where we live, our jobs, cars and partners depend at least half on another person's choice combined with our own. And in the partner case (my own problem) it's 100% their choice and none of yours as no matter how much you like someone it means jack shit unless it's their feeling as well. QED

I love writing!

I've just finished a 5 page article on alien abduction and what do I do to relax? Carry on writing! I hope this article will be accepted as it's for a much bigger publication than I normally write for, it's gone off and I just have to wait for a thumbs up or down as it's for a skeptical organisation and I'm not a skeptic.
I'll go and work on the painting next, after my client cancelled I've got another day off, and as I had a nice day out taking photos yesterday I could do my indoor jobs today with no interruptions. I took the plunge and upgraded to Flickr pro last night, as I found I could just about justify the added storage, and am now 30 or so beyond the old limit, and another trip planned to take some more. I also missed not mixing with the groups I'm in if I couldn't keep adding new photos, which is the best way to get people to view the album.

A bit of good news is the whine on my 5th gear seemed to have gone when I tried it yesterday. I reckon if it was knackered it wouldn't come and go but get worse with time. Well as it's less than a day since my last entry and the aliens haven't landed or I've become enlightened since then (or left the house) I'd be stretched to report anything else, so I'll go and play a few quizzes, finish my coffee and work on the painting, possibly till it's finished. Meanwhile I'll post one of my favourite houses (in a row of them) we nearly moved to when I was 14.

Wednesday off

This was my day off this week, and I started by takingthe photos seen in the previous entry, among others. I then decided that I had enough scope to pay the small amount for a Flickr Pro account, also as I am in so many groups people would miss out if I didn't keep adding to them as well as my own album. I'm in the process of adding many photos I couldn't include now I have the space, and started a new group just for paths.
Though I didn't see anyone today it was a nice day, sunny most of the time though still pretty cold for the last day of May. Even little things like getting some nice new chocolate biscuits makes a difference, in fact combining the little things with the right people are what have made some of the best moments in my life.

I'm free all day tomorrow as well, which after today's external activities aim to finish the painting and article and then do some gardening. Of course if a woman turns up it will be even better, and it can happen though the choice of woman isn't usually within my own preferences... My grandma's made incredible progress since having her kidney out on Friday. She sounded like her usual self for the first time today and may be leaving hospital at the weekend for a week in a nursing home. For 96 it shows what I've discovered, age is only half or less of a factor in health, as it is in appearance. Older people needn't get tired more easily and I now see variations between people my own age who look between 25 and 60. I will be filming the TV programme now on the 12th of June and add any new data here as usual. Besides the relative fame if it also eventually leads to paid work I'll be very pleased as my method has always been to get money from as many sources as possible so if one dries up there are always others, and it works.

For a change (OK, only because Big Brother's started) I won't go on, but I may be back...

Local photos- East Finchley

Three views of the area I grew up in.

Total freedom

Yes, it's not often I can say that. I had a few hours of total freedom, which I technically still have except I've just been told my new car may need a new gearbox, which cast a bit of a shadow over the picture, though it is guaranteed. I still need to get it checked and see whether 5th gear is buggered and will need the whole thing replaced if worn out.
On the plus side I discovered the DVD situation meant that computers pre 2005 can't read modern DVDs. I tried various ways and the stuff is saved and I should also be able to save most of it on CD so I can read it anywhere.

There's little to report of actual activity, I am about to type and add the material to my article after this, and may well finish it before bedtime. Tomorrow if I can be bothered I've got some more photos I can take as it's my free day this week, though Flickr was full I'd switched the images for other sites to a new album, and freed up a whole 5 pictures, with 3 left to fill. My next task is to discover whether I can save video clips from the internet like images or I'd need someone to email me them as attachments. There must be a way and so far it looks as if you pay for it you can get a tool from Real Player but I'm buggered if I'll be shtupped into wasting my money like that.

Otherwise it's a simple freedom, even the jobs I have to do are nice ones, and I reckon I've deserved that as it's the first break I've probably had for months. No plans or expectations as I now realise it's me on my own and anyone who comes in I like is in their power not mine. It has been, as predicted, a cold month. It was about 14' yesterday and today and I have my vest on as I type. The heating bill has for the first time generated 2 winter maximum bills in a row from November to May. I'm still wearing my winter coat grade 2 (over 5') and am wondering if I was correct that our summer was the day last month as I reported. I'm learning to drop my imagination and never again expect anything in life to be different to how it is. Technically I have discovered I am an overall acceptable partner for enough women and any failures behind me are not my own fault. In fact most were before I was that phobic and they simply didn't want me even if I could offer the lot. If someone likes you most will overlook any fault if it's not directed against them. In the end I have now left it to others to pick me. I have my list of acceptables, and the first who wants me gets me. I have no real preference, and just the chance to take any of them would be enough for me and I can't see any reason to reject any who wanted me. At my age any person is going to have collected some scars and I expect many women over 40 will be able to compete at a fair level.

So that's all there is technically, plus a firm date for my 2nd TV filming. It seems that being a rare person in a specialised field is the best way to become famous with no connections. You can be incredibly talented at other things but when you are doing something common like singing it's all about promotion. But interviewing people who may have been abducted by aliens with qualifications is not something many qualified people would bother to do. Once the article is written it'll be nice if accepted, as few people read the magazine it includes some top academics. Now that, I reckon, is where the requirement for qualifications matters. Anyone can do research, but if you're not a graduate (minimum) no one is likely to bother to take your stuff unless you're a journalist. I'm using my background to break into journalism through writing about anything I can until people want to use it. I find the more I write the more I can. I turn out 6 pages in half an hour without a break once inspired (with a pen, that is), and tap many ideas if required. Find what you're good at naturally and exploit it. And qualify in it if possible.

At the bottom line no details matter. If you're content in life it doesn't need too many outside circumstances to create it. For me a simple nuclear family and regular income is all I want, with a few psychic powers to add excitement. Bollocks to that as an ambition, hardest thing on earth in reality...

Known and unknown

I’ve had a few days free to get my thoughts together, and have been able to assess more or less where I stand. On the pleasure side little is known. I have no idea when and how it will arrive, all I know is a provisional date for a TV filming (which I’m not sure will be shown in the UK) and a 5% chance with a woman I know at a later date.
The only area I see as offering anything back for the effort I put in is still the supernatural. Despite seeing people apparently manipulating matter with their minds and speaking to aliens through human subjects, I have nothing known more than telepathy, clairvoyance and aura vision. Healing also works and I do know energy can be sent across any distance but yet to know what this energy can do. But when I consider the number of educated non believers I realise just by a few hours of research anyone can know nearly all I do and never doubt certain powers are definitely real. You can’t test anything in a laboratory that can’t be physically measured like thoughts or feelings, so each person will have to witness a demonstration themselves before they’ll know. And I don’t mean hearing a reading from someone else, which they can all say is a trick. I mean actually do it themselves. I show people in a few minutes and the less open minded almost cack themselves in fright when they get things correct.

One known is what’s up with my DVD burner. It turns out any computer made before 2005 can’t read the format. Bugger that for a lark. The good news is I needn’t return to the dreaded PC World, EVER! I can now burn all my files and videos to DVD and just be careful where I try and watch them, but my own computer is fine as the burner acts as an external reader as well. The staff could have mentioned this when selling the stuff though as it affects nearly everyone and took me three days to learn what they could have on a sign.

So, there’s a blank canvas ahead. I’ve fixed my teeth, computer, garden, mother’s garden, car sale and purchase, done and sold a painting, had all my medical examinations and treatment and taken lots of nice photos. Unless something else falls apart in my house or body I think the main crap has been sorted out, and it’s an adventure in limbo to make something of the time I have. The first item is to finish the second commissioned painting, then to finish and send off the article for the slightly higher circulation magazine than anything I’ve written for before. It’s all written but just needs some data added from my files before the final version is typed. Beyond that I will let drift as it will whether I try and aim anywhere or not. If my health improves (illness has given way to almost chronic tiredness, which is a definite improvement) and the panic attacks wear off (as tiredness gives me little resistance to outside circumstances) there will be many more things (mainly social) I can do. Unless the next woman I meet appreciates the person more than where they go, like I do. Miracles do happen but are not anything you can rely on.

Stress from London

Firstly apologies where due. I did some research today, and called PC World who explained the W means you can write over old stuff and were fine. I spent the afternoon testing and eventually discovered the whole batch of 10 discs was buggered, as a decent disc I had already not only burned perfectly, but at 48X speed. Besides the mysterious crashing of windows (about 4 times now) and the internal error bootup message with no information as to source the burner is working.
I presume the error is connected with the new software, and though I've frozen and scrambled the data many many times from new software I've never had a total system crash in windows 98 or XP till this little sod arrived. The discs have to go, while I'll get the same ones I had already I still have the ridiculous wait for service at the notorious returns desk, which I've used literally every time I've used the shop. Never again. Local shop every time now where the same person takes the money and gives advice and service. What the hell can they do to make dvds not work? Anyone have ny theories?

Otherwise it's been a standard week, lots of rain, very little business and not as much sleep as I need. I said to my mum that it seems that mental and physical power seems to be given evenly to most people, and the more of one they get the less of the other, and I could see myself slowly becoming like Stephen Hawking... The trouble was I was being serious. If I'm this worn out at 46 it's clearly not age related, my body has just decided whatever I've been through was too much for it and it would rather live in a distand community with servants looking after its every need. London in the 21st century is different from 30 years ago and more. Everything is harder. If you travel anywhere it takes longer, and god forbid when you need to use a public service like the council or doctors the waits are third world in many cases. We used to watch the news in Africa or the old Soviet Union and feel relieved we had everything so easy. The differences are closing. We're slowly dropping and they're partially improving. At worst they'll stay the same and the west will catch up. My supervisor said Londoners are coming down with more and more stress related illness, as overcrowding affects most animals with the desire to move or thim out the population by murder.

If you live in a distant place with everything in a small community there are few chances for stress of that sort. Most needs are within a short distance and easy to get to. PC World is a distant memory from your trip to the city 5 years ago and you couldn't buy anything there as it would take 10 hours to return it at a cost of about £100 travelling the next day when it didn't work. Crowded noisy eating places would be impossible if the population wasn't big enough to generate a crowd. Those hillbilly diners they have in films where the inbred locals play pool and goose the waitress and the sherriff went to school with you is the sort of place that appeals to me. Not the people but that sort of hangout. Like an extended family. I suppose Wales may have a few places like that but they only talk Welsh to exclude the foreigners from going there. But England (apart from Cornwall which is very similar to Wales) is never far from urbanity. Few far flung towns aren't isolated enough not to need a weekly trip to the big smoke somewhere with its multi storey car parks, shopping malls the same as those 7000 miles away in California and one way systems. The island is simply too small for those small communities which survive independently of nearly every other place unless you're dying.

If such places existed in England I'd be on the verge of considering it, though as I'm single would never fit in as I tried in Oxford and realised everyone was quite happy with who was there and didn't need anyone new at 30. I'm sure Oxford's gone a similar way to London, as everywhere else seems a smaller clone. Woking, Lewes, Luton, just little copies with sleazy piss covered concrete walkways just like Wembley Central, no on-street parking, blocked road entries everywhere, and huge superstores on the ring road for the sheep. IKEA are slowly spreading from the original one shop up the road from me to insidiously loom over every town with more than 250,000 by the end of the century. OK, I actually like IKEA and half my furniture is from there, but the uniformity is mind numbing, and when I saw the same shops in Miami as Brent Cross in 1995 I realised if you wanted to go shopping anywhere on earth you'd probably have the same choices now wherever you were (except Britain, who only gets the fag-ends as we are a smaller market). That comes from working in a sports shop and discovering they only sell the most popular (as in bland) stuff here as it's not worth selling any more.

Basically London was tolerable till maybe 1990 or so, but it's not the place I'd change but the time. I stayed in the same place but the place went downhill. Where are the victims of overcrowding supposed to go? If it's hard fitting in 50 miles away I'm not going abroad. America wouldn't have me and I won't even start on any of the other options. People get stuck on the North Circular for hours when it's closed three times this week due to accidents and think it doesn't addect them. But the second, third and subsequent times it happens they slowly start feeling not quite right. Then it's got them, and they'll be on the way to catching me up. People are all human, and whatever you think not immune to stress. It just takes time to show.

Two fingers to PC World

Before I go into the rest of it, what's the difference in buying from a superstore and a local shop? The superstore has choice and the shop has service. The totally useless prats at PC World Staples Corner first made me queue up at returns as the nice but silly woman on the checkout told me my new dvd burner was external, and as soon as I got in the car it said in tiny letters 'internal'. Eventually the staff behind the returns desk drew a straw to decide to serve me, and I had to swap the burner and dedicated blank dvds. The shelves had nothing on them to indicate what each item was, and 'external' and 'internal' were either in a tiny word on the bottom of the box or not mentioned at all. The external one I did find cost nearly double the others, and as soon as I got home and hooked all the usual shit up (it needs a mains lead which crosses half the room) I burned the first load of pictures and when I put the dvd in the drive said 'no disk'.

What's the difference between a working dvd system and another long visit to PC World returns? A 'W'. Yes, everything between success and total failure rested on a letter W. The trouble is the totally useless spastic at the returns desk was supposedly qualified to sell computers and I wasn't qualified to buy them. So though the woman at sales correctly identified the Philips unit that had to go back needed special dvds, but not whether the unit was internal or external, the twat at returns was totally happy to sell me the pack of blank dvds I picked, though mine had a W on them. To my burner this was like putting a pig's penis in a Jewish bride. It reacted with such venom my computer restarted three times over and the fourth attempt with a different software finally posted an error message 'wrong dvd'. It didn't say what was wrong with it except the box said R and the dvd said RW.

Part two coming. Will PC World accept the 10 useless dvd RWs back as I've opened them, considering they should have known they didn't go with the burner. It's not the £10, I can absorb that, but the sheer pointless waste of time having to spend another trip queuing up to get it back and still can't use my burner till it's sorted out. If anyone wanted to buy them I'd just get the right ones, but what are the chances of anyone needing to burn 10 movies in a format clearly no one else wants?

Free again

Rain but freedom. Only one client today otherwise a copy of yesterday, including the almost constant rain. A friend turned up first which broke the monotony of yesterday's almost total isolation, then I used the short break between heavy periods, I mean showers, to cycle to the shop to get some essential supplies.
I've been working on the picture in between, and for the first time (as I usually cover it), so the cat managed to walk her wet paws right across the painting. As I was only at a relatively early stage there was no detail to ruin, thank goodness. It's now totally pouring with rain, Lucy is sitting in the porch, and I had to leave the front door open for her as she wanted to go out but won't sit in the rain. The stray tabby who eats all her food (with her permission as well) is sitting in the kitchen as well due to the weather. He may hate humans but likes what we can provide for him...

Despite giving up trying to teach anyone anything unless they ask first, one area I can't avoid going on about as it affects my life is the myth of global warming. I've explained why on my www.kingsbury.tk site, so all I'll add here is a professor in Australia both explained how scientists are paid fortunes by governments to falsify data to pretend it matters, but that temperatures have been independently shown not to have increased for years by East Anglia University. And many places will show that carbon dioxide levels have not always been related to temperature rises, in fact usually the opposite. http://www.diogeneslamp.net/?p=146

The wise professor who refuses to follow his fellow career-minded sheep has said exactly the same things I have, but backed up with his own professional science as well as seeing the way pro-warming reports break down into nothing. Here is an example:

Each such alarmist article is larded with words such as “if”, “might”, “could”, “probably”, “perhaps”, “expected”, “projected” or “modelled” - and many involve such deep dreaming, or ignorance of scientific facts and principles, that they are akin to nonsense.

He goes on to explain the mechanism where scientists are encouraged to look for anything supporting the theory, and then supplies a list of reasons why they are incorrect. If I change one person from believing in the fairyland view of man-made global warming wrecking the planet I will have done a good job as the governments, despite their huge media power, are liars. A few of us can see it, and even if the temperatures did go up a little (which is all they're actually saying might happen, nothing actually has yet remember) the winners would definitely outweigh the losers as change (as in 'what exactly is the world's correct climate?') is all we get. Some benefit, some lose. And being in a civilised country with uncivilised weather (14' or so at the end of May) I welcome it with open arms, except I'd be 175 before any of these supposed disasters would actually become apparent.
With Africans all tearing each other's guts out in Sudan, Rwanda and Zimbabwe (unless they've stopped recently) and famines in many where they aren't at the moment all the money they're ploughing into global warming propoganda and meetings they could probably have fed Africa for the forseeable future. That is the real cost, in what they could be spending the money on for people who are suffering right now. It is a truly tragic con, and one few people are prepared to work against, so it's the one exception in my programme of education as I am taxed and restricted by all this shite. We could have lower water bills in London, but our desalination plant was blocked by the Mayor to 'avoid global warming'. It's my money that's being stolen by these lying bastards so I will work on this crap as long as I can use a typewriter, and maybe one day someone will thank me for it.

Kingsbury day off

Pooh- who needs money...

I need rest or I won't be able to make any money if I'm not careful. Anyway, today was a free one from beginning to end, I started with blog entries and for both of you who wonder what I did by the end of the day, here it is.

My cleaner whizzed around in the background, I was stuck here and due to lack of English am unable to have more than a three word conversation with her, however much I'd like to (and maybe she would). Then it becomes a blur, as in what must have been a few more hours doing whatever I have to do on the internet, trying to get my Windows validated since the update said I had to, and also did another online/phone interview with a TV producer as I said.
I really don't remember leaving the room except to pee. I still have a pile of trivial nonsense to do such as a quiz involving predicting every detail of sport during the summer football holiday (besides the world cup, which in 2002 which is the only one I ever won on placing with the final winning position). So long at the computer and only just started what I had to do. Anyway, 8pm (TV time) seemed to arrive suddenly and by 10pm after my father had arrived to pick up some articles I'd run off for him I was back here again.

I was going for a walk at 11 until an expert on the bible was on the radio till midnight, and I learnt quite a lot, taking a reduced walk and filling in the main colours on my painting (as promised) before returning here. The bottom line though is how I feel, and whatever the details it felt like a good day. There were a few little phone calls as usual but so trivial not worth mentioning in detail. If the cat could talk she'd provide a better conversation than most. Using the facilities available becomes an art in itself. There's no point saying 'if' I had x y or z, as I don't. I can be elsewhere but I can't get any more than I have by choice. So as 'here' is better than most places I remain here and know enough people who would come here if they had the chance. The few friends I used to visit are long gone one way or another or I'd do that as well, but that's the way things are so I stay here.

On my personal speculation (anyone remember Crossroads, which kept me watching most of my life to find out what happens next) I've realised finding the details of my friend's email why he is staying in America will be so disappointing and depressing I may as well never know. He won't be coming back, I know that, so that's it. Being told why, and it won't be before 4,6 or 8 years won't be any better. So I've decided to forget the business and not care the fact each day the promised email doesn't arrive and why.

So, God or the angels aren't going to drop a female companion in my lap, my luck isn't good or bad as such a concept is false, and anything I'd like to shift to free up my pleasure in life won't just because I'd like it to. In business and academia I knew how much I could control my fate, and then realised the opposite to be the case for pleasure. Sure I can be like God creating a constant stream of work, writing, painting, music, photos, etc, but without someone with me I'm like a robot manufacturer just making things as I'm programmed to, but not able to mix with anyone most of the time. I do my best never to look back and know I've wasted time as I appreciate it too much. I know how to waste a week or year by letting myself drift, and that's not going to happen. I do what I can, and the rest is outside my control. But how I'd like for just one thing to shift, whatever that was.

I'd assume my life would shift a gear if:

One of the hundreds of desirable single women I knew decided I was good enough for them.
Whatever secrets the governments have about aliens/related subjects leaked out.
I had an income guaranteed long term (including working from home for an employer).
I was invited to move in with friends or family (and my cat).
I had one of those irreversible meditation experiences.
I could switch my aura vision on at will.
I found someone to pay me to write.
I could get the £400,000 extra to buy our old house which is for sale after 13 years.
I found there was life in other dimensions.
I could have out of body experiences.

I'll stick this on Funtrivia now and see what other people would wish for.

Not the news

Speculation is truly the disease of uncertainty. When you have little happening you speculate on the few things that might happen (eg global warming). So the slightest chance I may have with a woman I prefer to think about that, despite no real action, rather than look at the desert in front of me. News relies on this weakness. When there isn't much they search around for stories about 2012, global warming in 2100, men turning into women from contraceptives in the water etc etc., which are not only not news, but a sign of mental retardation if accepted. Besides the other set of pointless surveys- 'People crossing roads less carefully than they did in 1965', 'Women prefer a Mars bar to a blow job' etc., we are bombarded by the media by irrelevance masquerading as important facts. Trust me, there's more substance in a post in my blog than any of that shite. I have no requirement to fill time or pages, and needn't write at all if there's nothing to say. They have, and would prefer to distract the public with stories about badly behaved children than lose any money on sales. On TV they have alternatives so if the news was thin they could cut it by 5 minutes. No one would even notice. The newspapers could have more of a magazine format with fiction and educational features which are far more interesting, and restrict actual news to whichever really happened instead of inventing it. The trouble with that is Mr and Mrs average IQ actually treat it all as equal, and say things like 'Isn't it terrible how many sausages people eat in Newcastle' or whatever nonsense arrives on their doorstep pretending to be news. There's clearly so little discrimination between real and ersatz news otherwise the papers could never get away with including the fluff which takes over a higher and higher proprtion of the paper each year. And since Murdoch bought it, in the Times as well.

As I'm on the subject, why Iraq? I mean by that, like Northern Ireland the forces are occupying an area to stop (or in Iraq's case encourage?) terrorism. OK, Northern Ireland is a foreign land really, at least inaccessible from Britain as much as any other country abroad. We had 30 years of that every day on the news which was as much value as the lottery results in Tuvalu. But slightly less exciting. Now we have headlines every time a fucking bullet or grenade goes off in Iraq. Why? It's thousands of miles further than Ireland, and surely only the Iraqis are concerned and affected by it. I'm not. And sorry guys, I'm really not interested. Just because, with many other countries, our troops are there it's still not my concern. Petrol prices, however, are. Road charging, criminal gangs from abroad, asylum seekers being given benefit as we won't let them work, these all affect me. Only the Daily Mail appears to consider them news, besides probably the Express. Blair and Murdoch have quietly agreed to gloss over any real shit happening on our doorsteps and fill the papers with anything else to distract the morons from the real issues at home. You don't even need brains to see the difference, but so few people do. I'd call it brainwashing but clearly the people who fall for it all have no brains to wash.

Early entry

Arriving here before I actually do anything else (listening to a radio archive before it's removed tomorrow is a good excuse), there's plenty to do from a list of nice things for a change, plus the chance of a not so nice which I'll ignore for the moment.
Looking back over the last 4 weeks I'm pleased with myself. Apart from a successful car purchase and sale, I've had more work than usual, sold a painting, done plenty of gardening for two gardens, renewed my annual professional accreditation, got all my shopping done, spent a day on an alien abductee regression (including meal breaks!), and of course spent many hours in the gym. So I shouldn't feel guilty or imagine I can't do much as I seem to have done regardless.

I can do without any stress though. I'm still pretty tired a lot of the time, though as long as it's only tiredness I think my health won't be so much in question. It would seem if I just took a week off, no work, shopping, going anywhere or doing anything I reckon most of the tiredness would go, and that's pencilled in if I need it rather than a blood test (which option would you prefer?). I honestly believe if my health rethurned I'd accept a lot more and certainly expect a lot less from life as apart from the regularly reported creative work done by people forced to stay at home, I really need to rely on my body again. Whether it's looking for trouble or not I'll find out, but I've just found the dedicated anxiety forum, which will either reinforce my attitudes or feel normal regardless of them. I will see.

Waiting for anything uncertain uses up a lot of concern. Making a profit is so rare for me that any hint a profit may be possible in the pleasure area, and then knowing there's an indefinite wait not to get the profit, but find out if it's even possible. If that's hope there isn't a lot really. I repeat my own knowledge of the pleasure market puts the current chance at 5%, though current clues appear to raise it I won't be distracted by false signals, which almost lost me my career once... Well it could have done...
In America, as I've discovered, when a woman is friendly at least half the time she's coming on to you, and usually does, just as a man does. If I lived there I'd have been married by 26 as the women there act like human beings. In general that is. It shows it's not me, but the fucking cultural deficiencies of Queen Victoria's Britain (far more alive than the spirit of Jesus), where if a woman here is nice to you they want something. Bloody stupid really. So not only have I had to learn one lot of false signals, but realise they only apply to certain people. Talk about needing a degree in communications.

I really wonder if my friend in Florida reads this. The value he put on my wishes clearly dropped away with distance, why tell me he's going to read the judgement on a specific day and then disappear? That's not cricket, and just because he's no longer in England shouldn't stop him playing by our rules. Fair play means sticking to what you start, and after plating cat and mouse since january, giving a specific final date for revelation 5 months late and then ignoring it is not fair or necessary. OK, I never say this to him, it would make no difference besides ruining the friendship, so what's the point? So I vent here and if he reads it I'd expect a reaction at least.