Coming together?

I have been given years of ‘dead time’ interspersed with endless bad experiences, possibly so I was forced to look behind them all and both learn and teach from it. Seeing what really counts, why, and why it can’t be judged. It seems as if I had to be picked for this extremely demanding tasks is I know by comparison I’m one of the very few people able to analyse it (and would bother to try in the first place. Thanks a lot… Because despite seeing some sense in the picture the amount of pleasure is negligible, and though from looking I know exactly the main elements I need to enjoy life it hasn’t brought them any closer than they were.

A summary is all you need to judge about someone is if their heart’s in the right place. Life’s not about comparison. If I’d been living like everyone else I’d have conformed and not been judged and achieved increased profits for whoever I worked for, a bit more money for myself and probably missed nearly all the actual achievements I did have. The chicken pox finished this off after a friend (born again Christian) looked for the good in it. It allowed me to see how others would treat me (and myself) when incapable. They passed the test. If under intelligent control all this is to make me ready for success. My final challenge is to have to understand the understandable, both for my work and anyhow. This means analysing the final challenge of illogical behaviour, ie self harming, addiction, paranoia, body dismorphia and shyness. Not having a clue as to how anyone could get caught in such an unnecessary trap means I need to find out. As I have no tendencies for any of these and such feelings slip off like water on a duck, it means I have no understanding what drives people to do pointless things like that. Granted people don’t often understand anxiety or depression but that’s their business. But just realising I need to finish off my understanding means I have my final major professional task and expect by looking it won’t take long to find the keys to it, and possibly the cures as well for work.

But the healer needs to be well to look after others. None of these revelations are totally useful if I lose bits off myself to learn them. I don’t know if the bits I’ve already lost can grow back. There has been some major damage and whether it can be reversed isn’t in my power to know or control.

Other local news. I’m back at the gym! Two sessions in as many days and no trouble at all. The germs are virtually beaten. Two women to be pursued like one of those automatic greyhound races where you see them going round in a circle till one wins. But in my version they can all fall before the line. Technically woman one is still here after I confessed my interest which is fairly positive, and though not quite perfect as described she is a prize physically, past the pass level and probably a 9/10 which would be a first believe me. But until I get my hands on experience I have the same as I did before, a literal total vacuum. The second confession is being set up in a week or two, and I’d be in the unique position of having two physically incredible women at my disposal if both were interested. Actually I did have one who was good enough, I must remind myself. It was so long ago though it is easy to forget. Otherwise I’ve had a busy week either at home or opposite but seen more people than in the rest of the year. One is woman three on my list. She represents all that is wrong with every woman in my life as she is one of the best looking with so far the worst attitudes. 30 years of that actually, and though a little fumble 25 years ago that was the best I could do before she decided I wasn’t up to her clearly meteoric standards. There was someone just passable since then (1983) but she was retarded and lived so far away I ended up dumping her as I had exams and no time for both.

Occasionally I’ll break my rules and look ahead, partly as some entries are fixed next week plus plenty of space between them for anything or nothing to happen. So far there is one possible female booking as described, a little work and the rest remains free, which is good. Yesterday I cut the worst of the bushes, which can grow a foot in a month in the summer so surprised me when I went out there, as none of my windows overlook the garden except the spare room. The bathroom would but has frosted glass of course, and the kitchen has a door where the garden view would be and a conservatory. Upstairs I can see maybe 5 miles in each direction but not much of the garden itself. I certainly haven’t any plans for next week besides reacting to circumstances. I can take some photos in another park when I can be bothered and that’s all I can think of. I have more essays to type for my current course and always house and garden work but that applies to everyone not living in an institution. Just organising my thoughts into what I’ve learnt is pretty much an achievement in itself as it’s put years of stress into a pattern I can see a shape in now. Certain traps will never be fallen into again, I’ll never see myself as inadequate and reflect that from others, and try and finish off the last remnants of me judging other people. I am not Jesus but for some reason life (if it can) has chosen me to go through many ordeals (these being ones besides the numerous ones I’d deliberately avoided, like commuting) to take on an extremely similar role minus God. Not a spiritual element in it so far. Coincidences are the closest and they carry on in new ways, sending me clients with the same problems days after learning about them and similar situations happening all around me. But the delay (that isn’t technically right as delay implies a late arrival) still means I am lacking a prize.

My only prize was TV appearance #1 in march. That is it for 2006. Besides that I have tied up many loose ends with no actual benefits so far if ever. I know my friend’s plans for returning to the UK and why. They are bad bad bad news but no more than I ever expected. The only good is that unless something gets in the way I know the date they will return. But that isn’t going to help me for a very long time and have to forget about it or I’ll just end up counting the days (930) which will be killing time like a convict. I have ‘delivered my message’ to woman #1 (of two) and had it figuratively received well, ie in action but not a word of reply to it. The action was she is still around, nothing more of course! Fuck it, I can’t think of any more. Of course I turn out paintings, articles, radio calls and photos continually but that’s like breathing as long as I’m fit. I am phoning Sky 1 tomorrow as the latest schedule is out, and a date there would help a lot as I’d have one thing to look forward to before I’m almost 50. The other as I said is early 2007 but that’s fine as it’s a small channel few would notice in this country though it means everything to me regardless. My ambitions are so normal (plus fame) that everyone else gets them so easily I’m not expecting too much. The odd thing is fame is pretty hard for most people, many want it but I doubt many end up with it. I am just over half way there myself, which was totally from my own efforts. I had my first drama classes at 14, more from 17-19 and performed on and off since then. I contacted someone regarding working in my field as a volunteer and the only benefit I hoped for was going on TV, which happened 5 years later. That is what I call very long groundwork and am not actually famous yet. But in the business sense there are no exams needed and you just push and push till you find someone who wants you.

So, I’ve discovered all this spare time was there so I could learn and possibly teach. Well definitely, but so far only for helping my clients and writing the odd article. Happiness? Does that have to be separate or does it come once you’ve learned what you needed to? I can only find out now by waiting.