Looking for trouble

Half my life was spent avoiding work. Once I'd achieved that I started avoiding trouble. No way. However careful you are there isn't a thing you can do besides avoid the easiest accidents. The rest are unavoidable. You get into trouble, either after taking every possible step not to, it comes out of the blue or you don't even know how you got there. You can't avoid poor health, you catch almost everything you do involuntarily, and although there are plenty of ways you can catch virtually any illness known to man if you tried, you can't avoid any of them by trying.

So, anxiety becomes fear of the possible but on the balance caution starts to reduce as you realise besides the greatest bloopers you can't stay away from any sort of trouble whatever you do. This week has just started and is the combination of banal, tired, stressed and chaotic. Lack of work for the first time in a while was simply replaced by health details better glossed over here, minor but irritating anyhow. Today, due to that, lost every chance of going out anywhere but added every spare picture to my Flickr album now I have no limits.

Actually (note the relevant change of colour) I'd already worked out you can't bring good situations or magic into your life so not avoiding the crap parts just shows we are blown by the wind whether we pretend we're in charge or not. Of course the only real power we have is the truth. I usually use cognitive therapy with clients as all it does is point out the difference between their beliefs and reality. That's the end as once you know the reality there's still little you can do about it besides your own part, ie doing your best. Obviously if you have an exam and write 'bollocks' all over the page you won't have, but besides the totally irrational, which is dealt with by cognitive therapy, we do what seems right and get chaos in return.

Good, bad and indifferent. But heaven and hell is in there as well. OK, hell actually. Heaven is only there as a little excerpt so we know what it's like if it exists. But Buddha said everything we find good is impermanent and whatever is happening now it may not last and in my case definitely hadn't. That leaves the indifferent (limbo) and bad, hell. The fact destruction is easier than construction, failure easier than success etc etc., we are left with a life that offers heaven and delivers chaos. Take that formula and extend the fact that even when we get what we want it often gets taken away, broken or wasn't even that good, the rest is either boring or bloody awful. I've seen the worst the mind and body can fall to, and unlike a faulty car we suffer and not the driver when we go wrong. We are both and are stuck with having to be there while our body is treated unlike leaving a car with the garage. These are my examples but anyone can see from their own lives that if they are happy it's down to pure luck, and there's no guarantee it will last, in fact (besides death) there's a very high chance it won't.

So, I see a repetition of week after week with a routine designed to take the edge off living alone, having to deal with each obligation before it's too late to, and am offered rare prizes almost at random. Details currently involve:

Sky TV having no knowledge of my programme
Waiting for a second date at an uncertain point in the future
Telling a second woman how I feel next week after over a year of preparation
Having a second TV date early next year sometime

That's actually a heck of a lot, as the two TV are the most important of my career since my degree and both women are in the top half of the premier league. But what happens on any os way out of my hands and I have to live as per usual until what can only be described as either long term likelihood for the TV, and the toss of a dice for the women. My philosophical abilities have been completed blogging for 2 years, it doesn't make me happy but I am becoming an intellectual machine regardless of condition. My intellect is the only bit that works properly, and I can't bank on that can I?