Killing time

Wow, today was possibly a record waste of time. It certainly felt like it. Rain forced any chance of outside jobs (fairly important) to wait, and besides the cleaner keeping me hidden in the office there was bugger all else to do.
OK, I got some 'networking' done on the computer which included some important business but I feel cheated by the day and embarrassed I may do almost the same tomorrow and Thursday. Having what I can only describe as chronic fatigue as a) it's lasted on and off for a year and b) I get so tired I can't do anything also limits my scope on bad days. It literally comes and goes like clouds, it can arrive early and lift or just arrive suddenly and hang around for an hour or more. It's the second time and now it's not caused by stress, it's because I can't stop everything so won't recover.

So all the jobs I used to do without thinking and some I enjoyed are now rationed to one at a time and postponed till I can do them. No milk is the current result but there are other leftovers that also need tying up in the next few days or there'll be trouble. Now I literally understand why people live in institutions as all that crap is done for them. True they live in a prison or somewhere that resembles one and have no freedom but no responsibilities either. What a prospect. My grandma was forced to have a carer for a few weeks the first time she came out of hospital at 95 and she hated it and preferred to make herself do everything. I'd give a kidney to have a carer at 46. Her carer was sent upstairs and apart from cooking some meals was left to her own devices as my grandma refused to let her do anything. I used to go and talk to her and get shouted at to leave her alone (as she was 'only the staff'...). I had my own intentions but her love of Jesus was greater than for me or any other man so in the end leaving her alone was the better route.

Tomorrow looms while today is almost over and before anyone tells me off for pissing a day and then a whole week away I'll tell myself off for it. I can just imagine a Nobel prize winner a year later taking some time off and feeling guilty for wasting a day. It's OK for some but not for others possibly. Ordinary people are expected to perform at a level which eccentrics can't always stick to. I managed a routine for many years before one way or another my mind and body protested and basically worked to rule. Anything I previously had to do whether I liked it or not became the equivalent of planning a trek across the Sahara. The limited energy has to be allocated in parcels to the most important areas, other work delegated to family (after spending about 8 years helping them as it happens) and others just left to gather dust. Then peppered with bad news and wasted efforts there are few prizes to make the time I have go well.

Technically I only care what one person sees in me, my potential woman. As long as she is happy with me as I am, not another person can affect my life with their negative opinions. Just one person needs to be impressed by my assets and accept my faults and weaknesses (as I would for them). Who is that person? Neither of the women on my 'just alive' list knows my problems. Neither have reached the point where I needed to mention it but I don't plan that in advance. Once they know they can decide if it'll put them off or not, it's not up to me. It's not like I've got a criminal record, sex change, third nipple (for any friends fans), tiny winkle, false leg, leprosy, aids, double incontinence or schizophrenia. And I've met people with one or more of these (clearly the winkle is not relevant here) and many wouldn't put me off anyhow. People are strong in some ways and week in others and I found smoking far more unpleasant than most of those afflictions plus it wasn't an affliction but a choice. Still doesn't put me off but is bloody revolting.

With the schizophrenic it was often like going out in a group as I talked to the voices as well. Added another dimension if nothing else...