Waiting like an orange

While I read the paper or sit at the computer (no photos in the snow, they all look the same) I keep finding more technical data contradicting global warming- the sunspot lows have caused the upper atmosphere to cool, Arctic ice grew in the last 2 years during each summer, and more and more. Now how all this can coexist with the simplistic formula that our CO2 has done the job of a) warming beyond the natural and b) that's actually a bad thing beats me as to the total stupidity of some people in the face of all evidence. Especially as the third item said the measurements of CO2 had been so flawed in fact they were reabsorbed as they were created. I despair at the sheer impenetrable ego of so many people after they have clearly lost. But each day swings a little more to the truth.

Besides two bookings the time ahead is free but unknown. More snow started falling after it started melting today, so tomorrow could go either way. I doubt any photos will be taken somehow though. My rule of not caring about the days ahead, and planning for the next day at most does leave gaps until the time comes, and besides the usual ups and downs the guidance has been at the lowest level for a while now. If it's still leading me to a media break, woman and another old warning sign I can't see it yet. If it's still snowy this week the coursework will continue, something has to motivate me to keep doing it however pointless and sometimes expensive.

Last year was the first one when good things started arriving on their own more than every few years, but the downside is you start expecting it. It's all unreliable and the only reliable one is the women who dumped or turned you down in the past will never change. It would be so easy just to hook up again but even the few who didn't dump me aren't available. At 50 will I settle for attractive, harmless and braindead? I will have to see. Not being able to have a sensible conversation with someone is no different from having the cat around and that just isn't enough. A dull woman and a cat? Just two cats really. And someone to help with the housework, but I have one already I pay. Cooking? I manage already. It could be easy to take half full/empty but will always know it.

So maybe there's a reason the future is blanked out so far. It doesn't mean nothing decent will happen, just I don't know about it. The default however is space and if it doesn't then at best it will be space. Again when the weather breaks just walking around with the camera will be a relief, whatever I take just like all the others I've done before. I do sometimes feel all the effort I've put in to writing, communicating and helping people I ought to get more back, having an article published every year or so in something a few hundred people read, some promised photos in a book I'll have to pay to see, and top level media interviews that get nowhere won't make me a career in anything. Thank goodness I am qualified and experienced to produce the goods, but so can thousands of other hopefuls. They work somewhere for nothing or shag the editor. Being a man I would not do that for anything, I don't want those memories for the rest of my life. Bribery can work but I doubt I'd make a profit and probably get someone immune who calls the police. I'm not bent and won't get in that area as crime isn't the only way to succeed without contacts.

So it's currently dead as far as I can tell, will it stay or go?

It all comes to a stop

If life really does go through phases this is the boring one. I do my best to keep busy but the trouble is whatever I do finishes and it's back to nothing. Nothing that has ended leaves an effect in the present so although on paer I've done a reasonable amount, besides some photos on a website the rest is gone. How long this phase will last is not a question that can even be asked, except that normally once I see a phase it means it's ending. These are the only reasons the totally unbelievable idea we attract what we think about may be real. It happens to me and nothing else would explain it.

Not only that but my plans for the week, although followed, ended today and it's only just gone Wednesday. Tomorrow is free until someone comes over in the evening and unless I go for tea in a new kosher cafe in a park in Temple Fortune (on my own) I may not even leave the house whatever the weather. The last two days may have completed my photo list, with some nice ones of Hampstead Heath and some trains in Willesden. After a traffic jam so slow half the people including me did a u turn (where two weeks earlier had been totally clear) and luckily there was a long way round which didn't have much traffic. Willesden High Road is a perfect example of London and every other urban hell on earth. I took photos there once as it was where the Routemaster buses went but the area itself is one straight from Dickens and representative of half of London. Then due to following the railway I did use a few roads I never had and discovered 1930s suburbia does extend further than I realised. Due to the traffic I didn't stop so may return tomorrow. That's one idea at least. So I'm becoming familiar with the back doubles and blocked roads of Dollis Hill. Fascinating.

I am about to search new blogger to see if there are any new ways of finding other blogs, if not it would explain why new readers can't find me as I couldn't find them either. It would be a design fault to end all design faults but stupidity is not a limited quality as anyone can see. Also I don't think the post a photo works from flickr now either, but as what I'm writing may be putting people off I think a couple of pictures may be a welcome diversion.

This is Willesden Green station seen through the bars of the railings, limiting any angle I could get, and was pleased this was more or less how I wanted it. I got a number from the nearby bridge including some trains so had quite a good result for the day's efforts. Had they not put in parking meters I may well have returned more to Willesden Green although not buying more trainers stopped one shop, and besides the charity shops and the jewellers (again, no longer required for gold jewellery) I suppose there wasn't much point going just to look any more. Costs are amazing now. It may cost £1 to park for the average shopping trip, but the bus would cost about £3 altogether and the train at least £4. Basically living in London is just plain fucking expsnsive whichever way you travel, so I now either use a bike or retail parks which are free to park in, although Brent Cross will not be for much longer. And whatever shit we have in London probably applies to the whole country sooner or later. Congestion charging will spread, road humps are national and parking charges probably universal. Despite the dollar reaching a low not seen since the 60s petrol went up 20p or so a gallon in a week and the oil price hasn't even changed. They say it'll be £1 a litre soon and that's for life. And of course it's not to do with saving the planet or the public transport would be cheaper than driving but they put the prices up now because too many people were using it. And not April the first like the barbecue charge turned out to be. And public transport prices are the same for rich and poor so favour the rich and as the poor still need to travel forces them to spend more on that than other options. Lovely country we live in...

Is there anybody there?

Nowadays I sometimes feel more like a medium when writing this as I can't be sure anyone can hear me. 14823 is the count as I write, though I think that silly counter records page views, though usually everything people need is on page 1 so should be enough. Well in case anyone read the last couple, I did start tidying my desk, and despite throwing out a few piles of paper it looks exactly the same. More to do clearly. I don't think I found anything besides an old pen that's dried up so no surprises either.
Today kept me occupied, the appointment was delayed by an hour so I sent the accounts packing first and then spent another free stationery voucher, my 4th now. Very odd. Besides a health food shop who have given a christmas bag of about £50 of free stuff the last few years I know of no other shop that does this, and they appear to still make a profit. I got another notebook (I can never have too many), some glue, a purple container and lots of rubbish bags (see comment about notebooks). Too late for photos by then and unless an arrangement materialises tomorrow I don't want I'll do it then, and then England v Andorra on Sky, the only way I can watch it since my friend with it elft the country and I had to pay myself.

I have reached the leaving the medical advice route as the last 3 times I stopped the ear medication after a week it came back. Now I can only think the alternative can be no worse than a return of the problem and will keep it going a few more days. Then call the doctor if I have to. However minor these all add up and slow me down once one goes.
Beyond that I don't know. I never do really anymore. But one thing I know is if I was in a family of any description I'd still do all this. I may have a bit less time to but would have more to write about.

Unless I stop now the rest will be from my subconscious as there's nothing left in my conscious now. Looking back I have been through every method of philosophy and spiritual practice to test their limits. I am left with a small selection of remaining routes and having eliminated many at least I'm not stuck with nothing yet. Partly from necessity it seems to have been my duty to do this, not even for anyone else's benefit as I've never come across anyone who really needs this work for themselves, it only seems to relate to my own situation. I can't help communicating useful information but doubt even if I found anything people would be the slightest bit interested as most are happy as they are. And even if they ask what worked for me may not work for other people so better to break a lifetime's habit and get on with anything I may find myself. If, that is, I find anything.

If people realised some of my greatest wishes are things 90% of the world take for granted they'd realise the value of them themselves. Having other people's writing on my paper. Besides the fascinating phone messages from my final tenant in 1996 all I have are a few notes from my work when people have written hypnosis scripts for me. Let alone other people's things. Normally if someone doesn't live in a house they rarely keep things in it. Makes sense. We have kept stuff for foreign visitors who were in a small place with no extra room, but I actually have no room for my own things should imaginary foreigner arrive with too many bags tomorrow anyway. The day I arrived at my first flat in 1998 I realised for the first time in my life no one else's things were there, and besides various tenants who rarely left things outside their own rooms and sometimes the kitchen that was it. It means something to me but most people in shared houses take these things for granted. Wait till someone dies and you're the last there. Their things will be there but not them. That has happened to most of my family and the things suddenly become yours not theirs and there is no person attached to them. I haven't even got that. Living alone is probably the quickest route to neurosis and more than any other way I can think of. I used to think it was working but life is full of work even if you don't have a job. Running a house is work, as are many of the chores you have to do that aren't paid for. They may not be timetabled but no less stress.

So considering the circumstances I do pretty well as however grim it gets I rarely do more than come here and moan about it. Better than an overdose in anyone's terms.