Ups and downs really, in theory I have been told I have nothing to feel guilty for, I do as much as anyone else if I don't look at what I used to do but don't now. And I went to Brent Cross so not all lost. In practice there literally wasn't anything to do offline except a trip to the health food shop and some really shitty chores tomorrow. It's on the borderline of adequate but I know the difference. I think the rest of the week should be free but that means no work either, and the last clients didn't like me. Enough do but the ones who seem to get on fine and then vanish are a mystery. One probably thought I fancied her (the cat was a lot more fanciable, even the neighbour's one which is a male) but it was staring in pure horror if I did... No names so I can say what I like.
Leisure wise I intend to go to Hampstead next, not quite repeats for houses and people in the High Street if I can stop safely there. I am now even paying for meters when available to get photos but you only pay the minimum. The barber let me down big time so at least the old one will profit and she was better anyway. My hair looks like Einstein's now (less but similar) and people are assuming I'm homeless. No, just sexless. An article I just read told me many of my symptoms are from lack of pleasure which made sense to me. I barely touch a woman nowadays which isn't good for me, and barely speak to anyone from day to day. Physical symptoms should improve if life improved. How will that happen I wonder?
Otherwise I have the time to get more jobs done, and there's little light to take photos late so trips will be made elsewhere at last. New glasses (I can't manage with one pair really), cat supplies etc etc. Fascinating and necessary. Then selling some albums at last. No profits, just publicity. I nearly asked somewhere yesterday except I had no sample with me and they had no computer to look at the originals. I'll return and many more places to try.
If any week of my life provides more than I hope for it could be a miracle, but I live in hope.
Showing posts with label shopping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shopping. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Personal summary
Before I start why the hell have blogger stopped linking our profile interests? I only found the linked blogs (which 2 people have just pulled, thanks guys...) and now we have these fucking pointless keywords which only link to topics in our own blogs, and I write the same damn topics every time so are redundant anyway.
Otherwise little has happened, happening or changed. I'm here blogging now simply as there's nothing else to do, I did buy some more charcoal blocks for my incense and 2 from 4 brake blocks as they only had the long ones for the front wheel which so far won't come off anyway. This is what I'm driven to writing about. More bleeding accounts tomorrow (error and company checks, wow...) then a very rare free client who wormed his way into a free sample. Then once I'm free I expect to go to Swiss Cottage just to get 2 more station photos (again, look what banality I'm reduced to) and anything else I find along the route. I have found a number of nice roads in Temple Fortune now and decided it's better to move somewhere better than not at all even though it's not perfect. At least my plans are now fixed should the money arrive. Hillcrest Gardens is between other roads and I may never have even stopped to look until last week.
I was also given a lecture on how easy it is to go out and make new friends. At least it reminded me how few people qualify as friends for me and clearly not everyone has to have someone so exactly right. I've been around and the only people I meet who qualify are generally abroad on the internet nowadays. Hard luck for me as the others are my clients I'm not allowed to mix with socially. I knew from a few years old if someone was right as a friend and if not nothing could make it more than a casual rare visit. The others I could spend weeks with and it was a line which was very clearly drawn. My mum asked me and I think the last new proper friend I made was in 1981. Honestly! I did meet someone in 1994 or so as well but was more hard work so only made the margins. And these aren't women, just friends. I didn't need new ones as I kept the old ones. At least when the last one left the country in 2002 I met a girlfriend for a while who ended up incarcerated by the NHS soon after we met so that never reached its conclusion had her health been OK. Then I was on my own, literally.
Now I have my routine and see family instead of friends, who are all alone now like me. I go out, usually on my own (mind you during the day everyone else was working) and sadly hardly ever visit outside the family as nobody really asks me. I still believe things usually change naturally and I pick up friends by chance rather than effort. And I only need one at a time so not such a huge demand really. As I've said before my personal qualities tend to go to extremes, either very good or very poor. My social skills are apparently slightly better than a 7 year old, more like someone with mild autism who's been to classes. My understanding seems to outstretch most, no credit to me, and like in the gym physically I can either do a lot on some exercises or the minimum on others. Even my arms and legs can pull or push the maximum on a few machines and hardly anything on others depending which muscles are used. As someone said, we are all designed differently and this is my blueprint, what I am and not to be tinkered with by critics who want me to be either like them or not like them, depending if they see in me thier own faults or ones they despise. But I'll remind everyone now, my faults harm me and not others, so leave them be. The worst I'll do is not join in an arrangement from agoraphobia, my loss. But I help whenever and whoever I can and know my heart is in the right place
Besides that past Tuesday is currently clear. Swiss Cottage, then I'll have to wait and see. Last week collected a lot, work and then 3 lots of photos, plus at least a provisional decision on moving in the future. Little more past present or future, yet.
Otherwise little has happened, happening or changed. I'm here blogging now simply as there's nothing else to do, I did buy some more charcoal blocks for my incense and 2 from 4 brake blocks as they only had the long ones for the front wheel which so far won't come off anyway. This is what I'm driven to writing about. More bleeding accounts tomorrow (error and company checks, wow...) then a very rare free client who wormed his way into a free sample. Then once I'm free I expect to go to Swiss Cottage just to get 2 more station photos (again, look what banality I'm reduced to) and anything else I find along the route. I have found a number of nice roads in Temple Fortune now and decided it's better to move somewhere better than not at all even though it's not perfect. At least my plans are now fixed should the money arrive. Hillcrest Gardens is between other roads and I may never have even stopped to look until last week.
I was also given a lecture on how easy it is to go out and make new friends. At least it reminded me how few people qualify as friends for me and clearly not everyone has to have someone so exactly right. I've been around and the only people I meet who qualify are generally abroad on the internet nowadays. Hard luck for me as the others are my clients I'm not allowed to mix with socially. I knew from a few years old if someone was right as a friend and if not nothing could make it more than a casual rare visit. The others I could spend weeks with and it was a line which was very clearly drawn. My mum asked me and I think the last new proper friend I made was in 1981. Honestly! I did meet someone in 1994 or so as well but was more hard work so only made the margins. And these aren't women, just friends. I didn't need new ones as I kept the old ones. At least when the last one left the country in 2002 I met a girlfriend for a while who ended up incarcerated by the NHS soon after we met so that never reached its conclusion had her health been OK. Then I was on my own, literally.
Now I have my routine and see family instead of friends, who are all alone now like me. I go out, usually on my own (mind you during the day everyone else was working) and sadly hardly ever visit outside the family as nobody really asks me. I still believe things usually change naturally and I pick up friends by chance rather than effort. And I only need one at a time so not such a huge demand really. As I've said before my personal qualities tend to go to extremes, either very good or very poor. My social skills are apparently slightly better than a 7 year old, more like someone with mild autism who's been to classes. My understanding seems to outstretch most, no credit to me, and like in the gym physically I can either do a lot on some exercises or the minimum on others. Even my arms and legs can pull or push the maximum on a few machines and hardly anything on others depending which muscles are used. As someone said, we are all designed differently and this is my blueprint, what I am and not to be tinkered with by critics who want me to be either like them or not like them, depending if they see in me thier own faults or ones they despise. But I'll remind everyone now, my faults harm me and not others, so leave them be. The worst I'll do is not join in an arrangement from agoraphobia, my loss. But I help whenever and whoever I can and know my heart is in the right place
Besides that past Tuesday is currently clear. Swiss Cottage, then I'll have to wait and see. Last week collected a lot, work and then 3 lots of photos, plus at least a provisional decision on moving in the future. Little more past present or future, yet.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Busy for a change
Well, following the two days of work (notice the font experiment there?) I have the many days of not work, with my birthday saturday people coming although the birthday's actually on Monday everyone wants to come on a saturday or not at all. I did my required photos today, and though variations of a theme not that many people would go to the trouble of recording the whole north half of Finchley Road, and though some is thoroughly dreadful I got some good shots. I intend to go as far as Swiss Cottage, but as I started off in Temple Fortune in the park and the traffic was building up I stopped just short of Frognal Station and went back via the posh parts of Cricklewood which were quite photogenic.
I've always collected something, from coins to rocks to train tickets, and now photos. Then I'll be picking candidates for my second hardback album, and will offer the next to the library as well. Only some pretty dire shopping tomorrow before my mum, mainly food for saturday, and tidy the house for the same reason. After the decorator the dining table was piled with junk which I removed in minutes for new year, and this time it's the kitchen. Meanwhile I am deliberately sitting here as much as possible just for the pleasure of using the new computer knowing it nearly all works, and is so quick. Anyone who's tried recently will have seen my yahoo webcam is down, that's them not me, it works on messenger but not on the website for ages and I just emailed them. On the work front neither new visitor has called back, one was an academic enquiry rather than a new regular but the other was a potential longer term but apparently not. They all even out, and the suitable ones continue.
Otherwise little to report but the current policy of living a day at a time is working as frankly most of the apparent future is dead if I imagine it but in reality each day has been fairly full. And when there's so little happening you really notice every little part of your life like paying money in the bank atm and buying pizza. Normally they are unregistered parts of a fuller life but when that's all there is then they register as big as a night at the theatre or flight to France. It is relative. And in the house all the things you do mean 100 times as much when shared with someone else as I just about remember. If by some miracle more actually happens (in a good way) tomorrow/in 2007 than I expect I'll be all the happier, but that is by the grace of the powers of chaos, not me.
I've always collected something, from coins to rocks to train tickets, and now photos. Then I'll be picking candidates for my second hardback album, and will offer the next to the library as well. Only some pretty dire shopping tomorrow before my mum, mainly food for saturday, and tidy the house for the same reason. After the decorator the dining table was piled with junk which I removed in minutes for new year, and this time it's the kitchen. Meanwhile I am deliberately sitting here as much as possible just for the pleasure of using the new computer knowing it nearly all works, and is so quick. Anyone who's tried recently will have seen my yahoo webcam is down, that's them not me, it works on messenger but not on the website for ages and I just emailed them. On the work front neither new visitor has called back, one was an academic enquiry rather than a new regular but the other was a potential longer term but apparently not. They all even out, and the suitable ones continue.
Otherwise little to report but the current policy of living a day at a time is working as frankly most of the apparent future is dead if I imagine it but in reality each day has been fairly full. And when there's so little happening you really notice every little part of your life like paying money in the bank atm and buying pizza. Normally they are unregistered parts of a fuller life but when that's all there is then they register as big as a night at the theatre or flight to France. It is relative. And in the house all the things you do mean 100 times as much when shared with someone else as I just about remember. If by some miracle more actually happens (in a good way) tomorrow/in 2007 than I expect I'll be all the happier, but that is by the grace of the powers of chaos, not me.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
End of another week
Quite a lot of activity in the last few days actually, my sunglasses came after a week and I got some cracking photos over the road there on my flickr link. The sunglasses look pretty good and besides not having the reading portion I'd wear them all the time. I then was told the TV programme I missed on the 2nd will be on on the 21st so the people who are meant to send me the video are redundant now. Technically if 20,000 average watch each programme each repeat will add that many more. Plus the three I tell who can actually get Sky.
Tescos are a total bunch of wankers. A week or so after asking where my CD was they said they'd cancelled the order without telling me. I found the track on itunes for 79p and burned the damn thing myself. Stupid bastards. So the main item on my list is guaranteed now, seeing my programme. Besides sex and the supernatural getting on TV has to be the biggest buzz in my life. These tapes are kept indefinitely and my grandpa who died in 1998 was on TV yet again at Christmas in a film they show nearly every year which is older than me. Now had I swore or farted in my programme and they kept it it could be on an out take show for the next 20 years.
Few other immediate plans but so much done already it's hard to think of more. I saw a doctor friend this evening who got me eardrops, which should start tomorrow. Just a simple ear infection we hope and a simple treatment. The TV programme next week coincides with the football at the YMCA but I asked if they could show it in the gym so all the staff could see me. As long as I turn up and ask nicely it's a 50-50 chance though the sunday trainer is one of the nicest ones. So nice I'd marry her actually, she's probably about 22 but that would only put her off not me. Too much of my material is fantasy for my liking. We all want more but most is impossible or unlikely. Instead we get reality and much of that is recycled old junk. And apparently I need a haircut already.
Of course there are many new photos planned, the last were similar to old ones but quite unique. I hope some of the places I find round Wembley are different as they are all ones I've never seen before, and more of the M1 with the railway alongside it. You can't photograph BR trains as they go too fast, you'd just see a blur unless you had an SLR and special film. Plus they run so rarely I'd have to wait 15 minutes and they are gone in a second. The one I took had stopped for maintenance or a red signal otherwise it could never have happened. Unless I donned my anorak and waited at a platform for a train to arrive. I have done that in the past but not on the digital.
I did say goodbye to my computer today after 3 years, the ethernet, floppy drive and now outlook express are well and truly fucked and the new one on Monday will be 4 times faster. Hopefully more reliable with a new Windows and Intel chip as opposed to the AMD nasty copy and replica Windows XP, as I discovered after it arrived home. That's all behind me now anyway. Well, little else to report, no women short or medium turn as far as I know, sod all work and little else. Unknown doesn't mean impossible though so we will see.
Tescos are a total bunch of wankers. A week or so after asking where my CD was they said they'd cancelled the order without telling me. I found the track on itunes for 79p and burned the damn thing myself. Stupid bastards. So the main item on my list is guaranteed now, seeing my programme. Besides sex and the supernatural getting on TV has to be the biggest buzz in my life. These tapes are kept indefinitely and my grandpa who died in 1998 was on TV yet again at Christmas in a film they show nearly every year which is older than me. Now had I swore or farted in my programme and they kept it it could be on an out take show for the next 20 years.
Few other immediate plans but so much done already it's hard to think of more. I saw a doctor friend this evening who got me eardrops, which should start tomorrow. Just a simple ear infection we hope and a simple treatment. The TV programme next week coincides with the football at the YMCA but I asked if they could show it in the gym so all the staff could see me. As long as I turn up and ask nicely it's a 50-50 chance though the sunday trainer is one of the nicest ones. So nice I'd marry her actually, she's probably about 22 but that would only put her off not me. Too much of my material is fantasy for my liking. We all want more but most is impossible or unlikely. Instead we get reality and much of that is recycled old junk. And apparently I need a haircut already.
Of course there are many new photos planned, the last were similar to old ones but quite unique. I hope some of the places I find round Wembley are different as they are all ones I've never seen before, and more of the M1 with the railway alongside it. You can't photograph BR trains as they go too fast, you'd just see a blur unless you had an SLR and special film. Plus they run so rarely I'd have to wait 15 minutes and they are gone in a second. The one I took had stopped for maintenance or a red signal otherwise it could never have happened. Unless I donned my anorak and waited at a platform for a train to arrive. I have done that in the past but not on the digital.
I did say goodbye to my computer today after 3 years, the ethernet, floppy drive and now outlook express are well and truly fucked and the new one on Monday will be 4 times faster. Hopefully more reliable with a new Windows and Intel chip as opposed to the AMD nasty copy and replica Windows XP, as I discovered after it arrived home. That's all behind me now anyway. Well, little else to report, no women short or medium turn as far as I know, sod all work and little else. Unknown doesn't mean impossible though so we will see.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Shopping list
This looks like a reverse shopping list when I review what I'm going to write but that's how it's been and how my mind organises it. Partly for the critics and employers who imply I don't do enough, so I keep a record of what I do to remind myself I'm not totally idle. Anyway. Yesterday I finally caught the opticians open, they're not nearly as cheap as my usual ones but as I was there I picked some ancient frames and appear to have been given a major discount if they charged me correctly, and they should be here on Wednesday. The frames are the gold pilot style I had when I was 15 and liked them then as well.
I did a few miles on my bike in the rain yesterday as it was just light enough not to get soaked and having missed Thursday due to the boilerman's urgent arrival wanted to make up for it, and found the River Brent despite opening up into a fairly reasonable flow after the Welsh Harp reservoir is locked away behind railings and buildings. But I knew where to look and you'd barely realise by the pictures I took.
Next week I have a few things to look forward to. The video of my programme the most important, then my glasses and then my new computer which is delayed a week for parts. The cd seems stillborn and will need to give Tesco a rocket up the arse for their debut cockup. I'm ordering my next lot of photo prints plus a new hardback book for me without mistakes, the old one is going to our library service.
This week has really been a struggle against conditions. Failed boiler, rain, unreliable people, unreliable machines, the usual crap. It's pissing down now, not that I had many places to go and have a few trips next week to follow railway lines and motorways with the camera. Ultimately I've seen already a picture of people sitting in a room with a picture of them sitting in it on the wall. I've reached a stage where I'll have photos of the views out of the windows on the wall where all you have to do to see them is look out of the window. Each photo I have can be seen by going there but the further you go the harder they are to see, plus not everyone knows where to look. Wickliffe Avenue for a start. This is a dead end road in Finchley I never knew existed, and thought I was still in Hendon as when I approached it from the rear the brook meant I'd left Hendon and all I saw were buildings, not knowing where they were. I'll go up the front of the road next in case it has any more places worth seeing. The brook is about 6 miles long and splits from the Brent in Hendon and ends in High Barnet. It divides districts and creates parkland along its entire length with dead end roads as few were built across it despite being about 10 feet wide. This is Britain where they expected people to ride their horses through rivers, not build bridges.
I admit to becoming pretty bored by the end of the week. I have a bit of an ear infection which has affected my balance on and off and am doing my best not to need antibiotics. That has slowed me down after 100 earlier reasons, it didn't stop me doing a thing thank goodness but made me struggle to do them all. I love adding to numbers though and when I add 3 miles on my bike despite rain I feel satisfaction. My bike is 54 years old I think, I swapped it for the other one which was 50 as it was lighter and only when I went to buy parts for it was told it was older than the other one which I bought when I moved to Oxford in 1988. I had it till 2001 when my mum's neighbour gave up his old bike and swapped it. Then I saw the Peugeot in a shop which I had to ride 15 miles for a tenant who moved and was quicker than any other, but would mean peeing around with mine and decided it wasn't worth the trouble at the time, and now regret it. Too late now.
So despite havoing to wait another week this computer works besides the floppy drive and ethernet as I paid dearly for it to be repaired a month ago may as well get some more use out of it. Call it a motherboard and mine would be prosecuted for neglect of duties. You can't repair the fuckers, £60 for a replacement and AMD processors do only last a few years as they are copies of Intel but heat up and have complex circuits. They are a total waste of money. I won't be getting one in future, assuming the new computer packs up though my laptop is 8 years old and going strong. Well, as I said, a mixture of the dullest details possible, as that is life here. Under instructions to be aware of my being and not be sucked into my thoughts I see that as a challenge and something to compare my future progress with. Who knows, I am told it is possible.
I did a few miles on my bike in the rain yesterday as it was just light enough not to get soaked and having missed Thursday due to the boilerman's urgent arrival wanted to make up for it, and found the River Brent despite opening up into a fairly reasonable flow after the Welsh Harp reservoir is locked away behind railings and buildings. But I knew where to look and you'd barely realise by the pictures I took.
Next week I have a few things to look forward to. The video of my programme the most important, then my glasses and then my new computer which is delayed a week for parts. The cd seems stillborn and will need to give Tesco a rocket up the arse for their debut cockup. I'm ordering my next lot of photo prints plus a new hardback book for me without mistakes, the old one is going to our library service.
This week has really been a struggle against conditions. Failed boiler, rain, unreliable people, unreliable machines, the usual crap. It's pissing down now, not that I had many places to go and have a few trips next week to follow railway lines and motorways with the camera. Ultimately I've seen already a picture of people sitting in a room with a picture of them sitting in it on the wall. I've reached a stage where I'll have photos of the views out of the windows on the wall where all you have to do to see them is look out of the window. Each photo I have can be seen by going there but the further you go the harder they are to see, plus not everyone knows where to look. Wickliffe Avenue for a start. This is a dead end road in Finchley I never knew existed, and thought I was still in Hendon as when I approached it from the rear the brook meant I'd left Hendon and all I saw were buildings, not knowing where they were. I'll go up the front of the road next in case it has any more places worth seeing. The brook is about 6 miles long and splits from the Brent in Hendon and ends in High Barnet. It divides districts and creates parkland along its entire length with dead end roads as few were built across it despite being about 10 feet wide. This is Britain where they expected people to ride their horses through rivers, not build bridges.
I admit to becoming pretty bored by the end of the week. I have a bit of an ear infection which has affected my balance on and off and am doing my best not to need antibiotics. That has slowed me down after 100 earlier reasons, it didn't stop me doing a thing thank goodness but made me struggle to do them all. I love adding to numbers though and when I add 3 miles on my bike despite rain I feel satisfaction. My bike is 54 years old I think, I swapped it for the other one which was 50 as it was lighter and only when I went to buy parts for it was told it was older than the other one which I bought when I moved to Oxford in 1988. I had it till 2001 when my mum's neighbour gave up his old bike and swapped it. Then I saw the Peugeot in a shop which I had to ride 15 miles for a tenant who moved and was quicker than any other, but would mean peeing around with mine and decided it wasn't worth the trouble at the time, and now regret it. Too late now.
So despite havoing to wait another week this computer works besides the floppy drive and ethernet as I paid dearly for it to be repaired a month ago may as well get some more use out of it. Call it a motherboard and mine would be prosecuted for neglect of duties. You can't repair the fuckers, £60 for a replacement and AMD processors do only last a few years as they are copies of Intel but heat up and have complex circuits. They are a total waste of money. I won't be getting one in future, assuming the new computer packs up though my laptop is 8 years old and going strong. Well, as I said, a mixture of the dullest details possible, as that is life here. Under instructions to be aware of my being and not be sucked into my thoughts I see that as a challenge and something to compare my future progress with. Who knows, I am told it is possible.
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