Looking for a miracle

As my last post/s has been analysed and requested to analyse them myself, I may as well do it here. I would be surprised if I'd missed anything but hidden treasure is hidden by its nature till dug up.

You have to start with the facts:
1) My only family is my parents (besides distant cousins)
2) My main friends left the country 8 years ago
3) Besides the odd (definitely) tenant I've lived alone for 18 years
4) I have severe anxiety, had ptsd (if that ever goes away that is), had chronic fatigue so all these mean my boundaries are fairly limited
5) Not one woman in my life has lasted who was mutual, something always wrecked it and all the others either wanted me long term or vice versa, but not both
6) Recent events have been both beyond chance and consistent, a power is setting up things for my benefit, I can see although even one such complex event is almost certainly arranged three or more can't be anything else
7) Despite that the rest of the time is as it was before. If there isn't a miraculous chain of events nothing else seems any different, inside or outside
8) I have learnt meditation and advaita since 1997, meditation works a little sometimes, advaita work has created a trust in the process but no known changes.

So that's the foundation, I've learnt to adapt to the other stuff to keep a reasonable quality of life, but both miss living in a family and of course a woman. Even before the anxiety I could go to all sorts of social groups, and since when in a good phase, but the odds of meeting a woman or even a new friend are very long considering the requirements for both. Throwing energy at a problem is like spending money without a budget. I can go out endlessly but the right people turn up whatever you do in my experience. They're all over the internet but none nearby. Am I or anyone else expected to control even a small amount of this? One person I know says you can regardless, but although I know I can keep myself occupied, find places to go, start and run a business, pass qualifications etc, the other things are nebulous. Not that I don't get out and meet people, I do. But to meet new friends, and who live near enough to see regularly is a tall order.

So I'm trying to control who I see, live with and how I feel. Not an easy task, meditation is the only thing besides the pills that can make me feel better for a short time, and good people seem to come and go like English summers. The rest I can deal with, my media career is launched and may creep ahead shortly. I've always been good with money and isn't really much else that needs handling I can think of. My current life would have been pretty good had I still been in a family, old or new. I've been happy in front of a screen all my life. Many of my memories from about 1962 onwards have been of TV programmes, but also who I was watching them with. I remember being at my nanny's when Camberwick Green started (as my mother worked I spent a lot of time there as well), watching Doctor Who, Watch With Mother and my two favourites at the time, Take Your Pick and Double your Money. Five O'Clock Club, The White Heather Club, Tingha and Tucker, Space Patrol, Juke Box Jury, Groucho Marx on a panel game I didn't know the name of, Criss Cross Quiz, I loved the TV and although not many programmes like them now the internet is a good successor.

So I believe things must be crossing over for me. I was in the relative darkness for some time, having qualified and left home I didn't enter a marriage and new family, but just ejected to survive alone. My second family kept me for 10 years after I was on my own, including providing me with a job for half of that period. Then they left. My grandma was around till last year who I saw once or twice a week, and took to supermarkets, hospitals and was generally available whenever required. Since last year I've seen guidance in my life, read the Celestine Prophecy and seen how it reflects much of my own experience since that point, there are lessons and messages in everything, but the pain is still there.

Only in enlightenment is pain seen for what it really is, until then it's just pain, in every form, and when it goes if it does then it comes back sooner or later as separation is the source of suffering and until enlightened all is separate. But many people in duality do well and can have a perfectly good quality of life which is why few seek enlightenment, but that is clearly the source of true happiness and contentment. If I'm on the bridge from darkness to light then the arrangement may include the transition. Like knowing things by intuition many of the best inventions and changes happen on their own. That's the temporary nature of everything, although the permanent disabilities appear not to be, which is not quite within true Buddhist theory for me. But the bigger picture would say even the disabled cease to suffer when enlightened, and will leave that for the sages to sort out.

So besides meditation and going out as much as I can within my health restrictions, what else could I do while the rest happens or not? I've already called as many old friends I've found and the one who did turn up had just moved abroad, the others were probably dead for a good reason I suppose although I am in touch with many online now. But only a few are still here as people move and quite a few are also abroad. I study all sorts of teaching as always, both for myself and professionally (it's a requirement), and there are only a few different methods repackaged by each one. Lateral thinking is the best for me, as it means you look outside the obvious where there usually is no obvious route. That is a random process and tends to work more by luck than any direct path. And sadly the bottom line is I can't rely on people to help, especially those I know in person. They have their lives, they don't even know how to help if they wanted to. I suppose I know a few things certain people could do which would help but they are the stuff of dreams and don't actually happen when you want, if at all. You can't just ask someone for sex for example however much it would help.

So seeing any potential solution in all this would be a true miracle, I can't see it and if anyone can then they will be a guardian angel.

Nothing could happen this week

I have more reasons for non-attachment at the moment, major projects with very little chance of success but if we want more we have to have a go. Two calls to councils about getting old signs sorted out, publishers to speak to about the related book, and a possible trip, maybe the final one, to Poplar for signs if they haven't gone and someone lets me know where one is.
It's been a good week (ie since this time a week ago), one sign, seen two old friends, got a load of birthday presents (new DVD player today included), and more vouchers including one just exchanged for some new jeans which I saved £7 by shortening myself, and quite a good job. Saving money is a good motivation to learn to sew, and many other things like cleaning the car.

My gas bill for the last quarter beat all records by £200, for a 3 bedroom chalet bungalow I was just nailed for £534. My health comes first so I keep the house warm all year round, and more important than being ill and saving money like before it was under my control. Flu every year or so and many more colds isn't worth saving any money for. Very few at all now. This week I really have few outdoor pursuits, M&S was done today and besides taking my book to the local history shop to be told it costs too much to sell very little else. I'm still waiting to see if my sole example of an old sign taken before the digital camera will be legible as it was on a video, but am now happy with my goodness knows how many direction sign really need a red triangle complete with sign rather than a mixture of old and new like the sole example I caught so far. There's one in Poulton-le-Fylde I just heard about but if I was that desperate I'd go to Suffolk and then probably find they've already gone. Could be worth a try actually. It'll be just like my old days when I went all over for tickets but that meant as many places as I could visit, although at the end only a couple had the old ones and did 500 miles in one day for my only Welsh examples.

Well I hope I actually succeed in any of this week's plans as the odds are well against me besides shlepping around London for an old sign or two (one has no paint so barely legible). More snow is forecast so it may be watching the DVDs that have stacked up and other videos including another set of Watch with Mothers which is a thousand times better than the shite you now see on CITV and similar even worse channels from America and Japan. I am firmly stuck in the 60s and early 70s and only a woman or a sympathetic council will change that.

Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grubb

Yes, I've just found a Trumpton video, with my favourite songs and episodes. Felt just like the first time I saw them in 1967 again. You can't return to the 60s but you can bring it here.

On other business I've got a little further on one TV programme, turns out the company got into difficulties when filming and had to pass it along so still hasn't been completed. Nothing to do with the TV people but the producers. I guessed as much and very lucky they haven't dropped it as well. So really three projects on the go, this is taken care of, the other is done but I haven't seen it and the third is the big one should it come off. All I will say for now.

Little work jobs this week, more than usual. Slightly. One delivery came today when I wasn't there but I'm trying the redelivery service online for the first time. Worth a try. I expect it's my 3rd set of Status Quo tapes, having lost or melted the last two over about a 20 year period. Don't leave tapes in the car outside the glove box as they will melt in the sun. Money down the drain. I'm even going to bed a little earlier as I want to do a delivery before my first appointment if possible and can't get up late if I do. I have two more mail orders coming from abroad who knows when and only Uri Geller's more clairvoyant guide knows when anything else on the list will happen. Actually no one can see the future, and even when someone has planned a date they rarely bother to tell the others involved as I've discovered when my TV programmes have been shown before I knew about them. Or in one case put online without telling any of the participants. I was only mentioned in them but nonetheless the people in them would never have known had I not found them by accident.

Little else from day one of week whatever it is 2008, except two people said they'd be seeing me last month and being now this month did not happen. That's the one big problem with the internet, we meet loads of interesting people but almost impossible to meet them. So meanwhile I discover new cafes in parks in Golders Green and Hendon, take photos of stations in Willesden and even now tidy my house. I've lost more things than I've found or put away and doubt anyone pinched most, mainly as not many people come here. Well not ones I'd suspect anyway. Where the Parker pen went the night I had 5 of said people over is still unknown and none of them are like that but it's now vanished from the very room we were in and no answers yet. And my new trousers from my bedroom. Happened all my life really and some reappear years later.

Universal disappointment

Another phase in life, and a real pisser this time. Nearly but not quite, the British disease. In the last few weeks I nearly got published in a national paper, nearly got somewhere with someone who may become a girlfriend, nearly met someone I met online, nearly saw myself in a TV programme and quite a few more I've lost track of.
Of course what this actually means is I didn't get anything and although half this list is likely to happen eventually (and I know exactly which half) it makes the present no more bearable and less boring. I have used the lack of activity to create endless photographic records, venturing further and further into oblivion (Hertfordshire) as you have to keep finding new areas. I am now planning a few videos with me in them instead of filming, and will set that up soon. The almost total lack of outside activities will force me to finish the stuff at home that's been piling up for months and like when the internet goes down will finally start getting looked at.

After a call to the newspaper with no response I've let that one go, if they suddenly do it then great but it's no longer on the system. I'm seeing a producer this week about another programme so keep moving career wise anyhow. Apart from that I have one booking so far this week and am seeing my American cousin on Friday, typical when I have so many the only two I got on with are either abroad or dead. And old as actually my mother's cousins. All the rest are very much local, alive and absent.
So there's no more disappointment left now as there's nothing left not to happen. If that makes sense. I do start to see the sense in the people who left home to meditate for months or more as you can actually see the benefits there and it doesn't rely on anyone else. That should make me do more at home and maybe it will. I haven't stopped but the internet has always seemed to win. I tried to join a forum for the group I joined last night but besides wanting to know virtually how often you wank, do you have impure thoughts and are you a criminal they also called you from abroad and charged you for it. Now a local call costs almost £6 if the charges are reversed as I once discovered, so imagine one from India. I'd rather save the money for my next car.
It was a shame as I'd like to talk with people who understand the same things as me, but not for that price.

So, no business as usual. I've managed to keep incredibly busy since the newspaper interview and even though the ideas are running out hope to continue, but you can't help seeing everything that isn't there, and wondering how each time manages to evaporate to nothing. As I said, some are still possible but no longer officially alive. I'm also waiting to see if they tell me how many people watched my programme last month. In the UK you become famous simply by being seen by a million or more viewers. Of course they are all in a small area so will be more likely to bump into other people who have seen it and be able to talk about it, but I suspect I may have reached that as the show, although on a pay channel, was available coast to coast. Did any Americans see episode 6 'Alien Abduction- true confessions'? If so, that was me!

This week...

Plenty of ups and downs this week. I finally bought a digital video camera at the weekend so have spent most of my time pissing around learning to use it. I'm at the stage now where I can post on Youtube but less than 2 minutes and not learned to split my clips into manageable files yet.

Other than video activities I'm still slowly catching up with people online for future arrangements, since my friend went abroad in 2002 there's been a huge gap, I've met no one new (most of my friends had been so for 20-45 years so rarely needed to turn over), and the net has allowed me to meet old and new friends only limited by their locations so far.
I've been fairly busy, got many good photos this week but done pretty little else besides camera related work. Hopefully it'll be worth it once it all works although such short clips aren't going to have much substance to them when it does.
Oddly I rang the TV company here today about the latest UK based programme as they'd ignored my emails and although the fax number worked implying they still existed their office number didn't any more. I tried a BT check but they now only check BT numbers so if a cable number doesn't work then who the hell gets it reported for a caller?

Yesterday was good for many reasons, I got the video to get on Youtube after a nice walk around Golders Green with both cameras. I've made two outdoor videos now but can't yet edit them down to get short enough to upload. Today was a pisser really, I was going to Brent Cross station but got a call the North Circular was closed and went to the park instead. The 2 minute video ended still longer than allowed and spent the rest of the afternoon reformatting everything and just crashed the editor as a result. I'll find a way but not today. I've also found another stalker on Youtube like the ones I had here but I have no idea who they are and why they're doing it unlike the others who showed themselves.
I may not have a chance to go out tomorrow as I have to let the cleaner in, but I suppose a 1 minute video of a tube station I've done already is hardly a great loss. Other plans are virtually non existent, as are expectations. Even the American TV company haven't updated their monthly web page saying what's coming next so can't see if I'll be on next month.

Anyway, I'm doing my best, have no idea what's coming ahead but hopefully break the monotony eventually.

Little things

It's the little things that usually happen in life, and basically the background situation, job, family, health etc is what you really experience, the rest are extras. Having only the barest minimum of the first all I really see is the extras but as they are so rare I only have the little ones like everyone else.

Having had a free week right through it was just a list of little things and half completed projects, the bike tyre is ok now but something mucked up the mileometer so that's not working now. Not that we touched it but doesn't take much apparently. My new Facebook progress is creeping ahead, one more reply from someone but no others from a growing list. I've taken photos with the new memory card every day besides yesterday (rain) when I actually worked for the afternoon instead. Next week I expect the indoor work will start, first the article and then a picture, and who knows what else. Each month the TV company list the programmes coming the month ahead, and I wonder when mine will be announced, as I don't expect them to tell me even when it's on (they rarely do). Not that I can see it but would like to know it went ok. And get the DVD. I emailed the other lot who say the programme will be on in autumn and no reply. Lucky I have their phone number but every other date has failed to materialise (Sky's fault) so I can see that dragging even though the programme is made and I've seen it. Had I been paid I'd still prefer it was on but would have something to show for it.Thanks to auto save I kept this despite turning the computer off before doing it myself. But made me think how boring some of this must be. But real. And as it became dull it could change again, and if I wait long enough could be fun as well for me.

Well now it's late so I won't drag the barrel for any more. Duty calls.

I'm on the telly!

You can now see me in my Mystery Hunters programme on Discovery Kids on Youtube



There was a little more at the start of the programme but it was easier to show the main clip without any more fiddling around.

Busy city Arizona

Well more than usual. I spent Monday filming my 4th TV scene, this time part of a whole 30 minute episode for 'Confessions of alien abductees', due to be shown on WETV in America at the end of the year. Meanwhile despite my 3rd scene being due last weekend, having finally found someone with Sky Anytime I hear it's absent from the menu. Fucking bloody wankers. That's better. Anyway, I'm phoning the producer tomorrow as it's supposed to coincide with The 4400 (whatever shite that may be) which started yesterday. What a fucking fiasco.



Besides that I went to Hampstead Heath with my dad today and took some nice pictures, had people over yesterday and more work than usual this week in the spaces. I haven't checked my stats for this site yet, the average has settled at 10 hits a day from the original 50, which I blame totally on the site stopping our linked profiles. My other site, which had 9000 hits before the counter was pulled, now gets 1-2 a day, but rarely updates so little reason to visit very often. The latest BBC lot of photos was only the 2nd without one of mine, but as the next lot will be the last, getting 8 on is pretty good and I hope they make a book of them, with mine in it of course.

Tomorrow I have no plans till my late appointments, and hopefully that will end up as a holiday despite being on my own and having little worth doing in advance. Maybe (especially if wet) I'll blitz the quiz site and see how many points I can score. Of course I learn so much as a result I scored 255 points (my 2nd best ever) in University Challenge's first of the series on Monday. Believe me that is good. 10 for a starter, 5 for a bonus. And before they get it. Tough.



I will end with a picture (says 1000 words) from today's trip,

I see the system posts these at the top now for some reason but I moved it. This is Wildwood Road from Hampstead Heath and one of those houses will cost around £5 million. I think if I was that rich I'd spend a portion of it on prostitutes. Bought to order has to be better than the random freebies I get from time to time...

That week went fast

Blimey, I've been away for a week! Not by any plan, I just clearly had sod all to say. Today my 3rd TV programme was launched only on Sky Anytime. I now discover it is only on Sky Plus for people with the latest boxes and only with a software download. Ie nobody. Fuck that for a lark. Launch a new programme before anyone can watch it. Stupid bastards.

Otherwise I went out on Friday without my camera and by the time I realised it was too late to take them, so I'll have to return a mile or two away to retake them in the week. Work has picked up and I'm filming another alien abduction session with a client tomorrow but only to be shown in America. And I don't get paid, only in publicity. I'm about to check the stats and see if not posting for a week affected the visits or people check in regardless. Maybe google want to kill blogger since they got involved as I can't read any new blogs and neither can anyone else. Most of my links are to other companies and I have to join most so I can leave comments. What a joke. Blogger is the best presented and run site and they've totally fucked up by losing links to other bloggers. How the hell are we supposed to read them if they don't let us?

After the TV programme tomorrow I have little ahead, mainly peace I hope, and will start to get to know my neighbours as I'm asking them all whether they have Sky Plus. Otherwise I just have some more photos from round Hampstead Heath to show for a week, the weather was so bad I didn't even get out for a walk there. My friend in India returned for his annual visit on Wednesday so got to see a few people and talk about philosophy until next year when he returns. My friend in America couldn't afford to come for a holiday so won't be back now for 2 more years unless those plans go west and he stays even longer. The cat caught two mice, assuming one was the one in the house already so that would have been dealt with. Yech. So overall a really average and pretty typical week at the moment. I know there's little more I can do about it, I am starting another article and another quiz for Funtrivia, and again all I produce isn't paid for. All for pleasure or career and not a penny for me. I do manage but one day it would be nice to get paid for my abilities more than currently. And in the media it's all or nothing, they get more than most and for what I wonder? But if I get any I won't be complaining.

Anyway, at least if anyone's been wondering where I am now you know. Driving round Colindale looking for places to take photos. And anyone who's been to Colindale will know what that's like.

Nothing on TV but snooker

Being snookered (a very boring world final) by the TV I am back here. I am glad to see a few more visitors than recently, including one from Albania (they have computers?/electricity). I've done sweet FA anyhow since my last visit besides a bit of shopping (normally only reported by geriatrics and retards but little enough excitement can turn anyone into either) but I've played many more online quizzes and this was all that was left. The Funtrivia blogs were threatened with extinction, so typically everyone suddenly realised they needed them and started writing again and they're still there so far. We did get a little chat board instead but not quite as impressive.

The week ahead (my Monday allowance of predictions) seems fairly free, a couple of bookings and that's about it. I want to take pictures of a couple of stations tomorrow as I saw you can probably see them from bridges, and have chosen the next I want to print, and did end up with some nice ones last week after seeing little places in between the others I've taken. How long they will continue to turn up is anyone's guess, but I have now gone out taking them with someone else at last. And female. I certainly appreciate everything I do now as there have been days when I couldn't do any of them for health reasons and now I know it all counts, no job is small, it's only whether you can do it or not that day, like lifting weights. What may be easy to one is impossible to another but may be later on and vice versa. I still have my share of worries, some old, some new and some may be over but can't know for certain. But when I saw the stats today I thought how disappointing it can be to visit a blog and find nothing new. I found 3 of my links are gone now so time to delete but nothing to replace them with. I was looking up an answer for Funtrivia which made me look for this scene from Reginald Perrin, one of my all time favourites.

Adam: I done biggies! (The car screeches to a halt).
Elizabeth: That is not the right way to say it, Adam. It's "I've done biggies".
Linda: Let them talk the way they want to, Mum.
Elizabeth: Well, they should be able to speak correctly. They might want jobs with the BBC one day.
Reggie: Yes, and all the BBC newsreaders say "I've done biggies".
Tom: It's just that we like our own way of bringing them up. We treat them, not as children, but as tiny adults.

The complete scripts are on www.Leonardrossiter.com I also found a load of Fawlty Towers quotes which also sent me back to around 1978. They don't seem to manage such quality any more, possibly Seinfeld but that's long gone as well. I watch a lot less TV now, partly as it's crap and partly as I have broadband. My favourite programmes are on digital which are all from the 60s like Randall and Hopkirk deceased, which I forgot to record today. The Avengers (Thursday) The Saint and all the rest of the similar bunch all show Britain as I remembered it, Morris cars (who sees them any more, not just age but abysmal quality) Routemaster buses, hippy posters, old phones with named exchanges (CUNningham 5797), the adverts you no longer see like the lemon on the grocery door 'I drink Idris when I's dry', Watney's Red Barrel and all the other products long forgotten, although Idris now appears only to supply pubs. These are the things I notice besides the action in life and TV. The setting. And art and design is influenced by atmosphere, and that must mean 2007 is poisonous if you look at the new houses and cars, let alone the TV ads, which appear to be written by and for drug addicts. Totally random and meaningless except to the writer themself. It's a diseased attitude throughout this century, begun with Thatcher's grey emasculation of anything left of the 60s culture, followed by Labour's mirror image 'style over content' government (named by Ben Elton, formerly a fan) which saw Britain become a multicultural overcrowded version of the worst suburbs of Paris. But without the cheap and frequent public transport. Anyone in London can't avoid moaning nowadays unless living in the parts that cost over a million, as the places and people have switched to the third world. Flats replace houses, people double in density due to loss of restrictions on immigration and as a result building densities. No room to move on roads pavements or in any public building. It can't just be Brent and Barnet changing like this, I assume every borough has their share of it and in 50 years the tower blocks will have returned and English will be a minority language. Not racist, just descriptive of how it's starting to change. And if people can't speak the language (I include people who have been here many years, not just recent arrivals) how on earth are they expected to mix with the people who do? They simply don't need to. They have their own communities and clearly manage to get everything they need within them. I mean kids who start school at 5 and have to be taught English, if they're lucky. At least they just had a TV programme about it though it left the viewers with no opinion or conclusion, just the facts. Not that it's hard to make one from them.

Isolation, division, overcrowding and competiton for resources are always signs of a declining society and economy. Add the highest prices for housing and transport (public and private) and anywhere else would have had a war or revolution. We have the Daily Mail which just moans about it and states the bleedin' obvious. Then they vote the idiot Blair and antichrist Livingstone in again to make the damage even worse. OK, David Cameron was chosen to do a Blair to win an election, so we'll get the same either way. Great. More lies about global warming and punitive taxes that hit the poor more as a result. If I say it often enough people may begin to wake up as if you miss the picture it's still there. You've just had it hidden by smoke and mirrors. I try and blow it all away, someone has to do it.

End of another week

Quite a lot of activity in the last few days actually, my sunglasses came after a week and I got some cracking photos over the road there on my flickr link. The sunglasses look pretty good and besides not having the reading portion I'd wear them all the time. I then was told the TV programme I missed on the 2nd will be on on the 21st so the people who are meant to send me the video are redundant now. Technically if 20,000 average watch each programme each repeat will add that many more. Plus the three I tell who can actually get Sky.
Tescos are a total bunch of wankers. A week or so after asking where my CD was they said they'd cancelled the order without telling me. I found the track on itunes for 79p and burned the damn thing myself. Stupid bastards. So the main item on my list is guaranteed now, seeing my programme. Besides sex and the supernatural getting on TV has to be the biggest buzz in my life. These tapes are kept indefinitely and my grandpa who died in 1998 was on TV yet again at Christmas in a film they show nearly every year which is older than me. Now had I swore or farted in my programme and they kept it it could be on an out take show for the next 20 years.

Few other immediate plans but so much done already it's hard to think of more. I saw a doctor friend this evening who got me eardrops, which should start tomorrow. Just a simple ear infection we hope and a simple treatment. The TV programme next week coincides with the football at the YMCA but I asked if they could show it in the gym so all the staff could see me. As long as I turn up and ask nicely it's a 50-50 chance though the sunday trainer is one of the nicest ones. So nice I'd marry her actually, she's probably about 22 but that would only put her off not me. Too much of my material is fantasy for my liking. We all want more but most is impossible or unlikely. Instead we get reality and much of that is recycled old junk. And apparently I need a haircut already.
Of course there are many new photos planned, the last were similar to old ones but quite unique. I hope some of the places I find round Wembley are different as they are all ones I've never seen before, and more of the M1 with the railway alongside it. You can't photograph BR trains as they go too fast, you'd just see a blur unless you had an SLR and special film. Plus they run so rarely I'd have to wait 15 minutes and they are gone in a second. The one I took had stopped for maintenance or a red signal otherwise it could never have happened. Unless I donned my anorak and waited at a platform for a train to arrive. I have done that in the past but not on the digital.

I did say goodbye to my computer today after 3 years, the ethernet, floppy drive and now outlook express are well and truly fucked and the new one on Monday will be 4 times faster. Hopefully more reliable with a new Windows and Intel chip as opposed to the AMD nasty copy and replica Windows XP, as I discovered after it arrived home. That's all behind me now anyway. Well, little else to report, no women short or medium turn as far as I know, sod all work and little else. Unknown doesn't mean impossible though so we will see.

Thursday's review

It's a dirty job but someone has to do it. Writing with little to report. England are officially the worst cricket team in the world not that long after being the best. How the mighty fall. How people like me almost feel responsible for a team's ups and downs is a mystery considering we don't play for them, but that's sport. Anyway, talking about sport is for plebs so enough of that.

I am dragging the bottom for ideas, and just thought of contacting a TV producer I worked with in 1978 to report about a mutual friend who introduced us who recently died. I hope she gets the email as it was a miracle I found anywhere to contact her but it has to be forwarded so she may still not get it, and then not necessarily reply. I've also requested copies of the digital photos the TV company took of us for my latest programme (why I didn't take my own is only down to being too busy to think of it, and expected theirs to be enough), as well as waiting daily for my video of it to arrive which I missed on Tuesday. Tesco.com have reliably failed to deliver my CD after 3 weeks and I'll have to fill in a refund form somehow. I suppose as good ideas come to me one in ten maybe get anywhere, possibly more, though from the people who do reply it's usually a hello, often followed by 'who are you?'. My memory is clearly better than 90% of the population, I wonder how other people can't recall people and events photographically as I do as we're all wired up roughly the same but apparently not. I see my mind as a well ordered filing system and see each area as pigeon holes with plenty of spare memory space between them. Helps me do quizzes as well.

So though my hits here have dropped off my flickr site has replaced the numbers for now with 50 hits a day this week. Taking photos almost every day and commenting on others is why, and the sad state of blogger with people dropping off each day till only a handful are active is the same for everyone here, not just me. But if there are few active blogs at least mine will stand out as one of them. I hope. I remember when I had to delete comments as there were so many though mostly from the same nutcase, and now if I get one a month it's a bonus. I still read every blog on my list plus a few more, but even though one's died a year ago (I must remove it) and some only post every few months I always check them. The next miracle is whether the opticians open till 6 tomorrow (no they won't, I've sussed them out, the time shown is a maximum, not an actual one) and then whether my TV producer replies. The video won't be here before Monday at the earliest, so will either come when I'm not here or wake me up as of course they only deliver mornings. I think if they ever went back to 2 deliveries I'd offer to do some late ones as it's the sort of job I like if only a few hours a day in the afternoon.

So, tomorrow is free again, all my work has dried up for now bar one, and besides photos and housework very little else to do with the time. One or two more speculative calls on their way just in case I get lucky, but can be embarrassing to chase people who hardly know or remember me, but there's no one else left. Networking for business and pleasure means you have to knock on hundreds of doors in case anyone answers. No one does my marketing for me besides my inside contact who gets me the TV work, but socially I'm certainly on my own. People don't chase me except the retards (can I say that?) and spongers and all the decent ones are long gone. Not even my fault, I just don't fit in any more. So I drift from project to project and every now and then make a little progress but with no lasting results. Yet.

TV and fellatio

Blimey, interesting activity at last! I went to the Discovery Kids website last night to see who to contact about my forthcoming TV appearance and saw the very programme was scheduled for the next morning! I rang the radio as always plus contacted everyone in my address book and just managed to catch it in time. As it was in the morning I recorded it, and woke up to find an advertising and gardening programme on instead. So now I know I was in it but will have to wait for someone to send me a video to see it myself. What a fiasco.
So it's been a busy day. First I got a few rushed photos on the brook at Hendon, as I had to get back in case the cleaner arrived early, and then saw a client. The phone went nonstop since and I saw Chelsea drop another 2 points to Aston Villa (hooray!) on Sky. I also had to make enquiries about fixing my cable box as it clearly can't handle recording from a channel on intermission and they have to send someone round to reprogram it. Though they claimed it never happened before I assume they all work (don't work) the same way and couldn't tell me or I'd sue them. It makes no difference either way if mine's fucked and won't bring my programme back even when they do fix it.

I will go for an exciting walk after this and then who knows (I do) as it'll be late. Play online mahjongg (not any good as this version only has one game so you can't beat your scores). But I don't know any others that are free so it's that or nothing. People coming tomorrow early and late so that's taken care of, and little ahead. I'll probably find the opticians never stay open late on Fridays when I pass, if not I'll have to go back and make a special trip the week after. It was really sunny today driving and dark glasses would have helped.
So, even though I have little idea of the content, I have doubled my media presence overnight and this time more people seem to have watched it though a few emails I sent bounced for absolutely no reason. I have also been told to participate in my enlightenment work with no input from my ind, which I am doing for a while. I will see what happens. At least it'll give my mind a rest and train it to be quieter if nothing more. It does get in the way when it's not being used helpfully and needn't continue in the gaps, as no one else's should.

While my hits here have dropped the ones on flickr have risen to near the level this was when I started. Fashions change but I think visual images will never lose fashion whereas writing themes do continually and I know mine won't vary much. Not that I want it to. It took me 46 years to develop it and apart from switching from facts to jokes more, which is normally involuntary (try asking a comedian to be funny) this is it. I was also just given a huge chocolate cake with maybe 10 pieces in it, I really need some help to finish it. One is coming tomorrow. First eat my cake, then the cock. I can but dream.