Everyone has awful things to do, it’s not just me. But most have a balance of good, as I used to, which takes the focus away from the bad jobs and to what’s beyond them, like coming home to a family. I have had to accept hope is a fiction no less than Father Christmas, as things change, if they do, as and how they wish and not as I wish. Simple counselling and Buddhist knowledge. No one changes for you and the weather is the same whoever it rains on. We can’t stop our lives being dictated by others and nature as I worked out already, and now I am accepting that is the case and can only ever be so.
That means that: Every woman who ever chose someone else over me will stay with them and even if they do split up still won’t want me. Any shit rule that affects me like the congestion charge will stay as long as it pleases. No one will turn up and offer to live with me just because I want them to. Etc etc. That is reality. It’s the same for everyone of course, though I still await to hear what the angels have to say about it. Even aliens who are alleged to watch everything some of us do are only doing that, watching. The last thing they’d ever do with the power to view from 80 light years away is actually help. So using the word hopeless is the most accurate one I can see to cover every aspect of life. Hope is only real when based on a known chance. If, as I do, I have a woman coming to see me, I have assessed the chance of a relationship as 5%. That is gambling odds, not hope. Hoppe, like its brother faith, is based on fantasy, and nothing else. I should know. I’ve tested both to their limits recently to discover this conclusion that both are man made elements combining superstition with religion to try and take the edge off the real nasty issues of life. They don’t help me and technically have no benefit for anyone once they see through them for what they are, a cloud of smoke obscuring the fact nothing changes.
But this is not the symptom of depression, it’s the outcome of a study with the only conclusion that was possible. So the eastern view, that you have to develop a feeling in you that transcend what goes on outside as basically what goes on outside is only going to piss you off in the long run, they got that one dead right. There are a few techniques to get to this state, none of which I know are quicker than the Chinese water torture of formation of stalagmites. But they’re the only methods I know and work so slowly and subtlely I reckon if they work you may not even notice. But now I know that’s all there is. Not that I didn’t practice already, far from it. But now I can rely on nothing else outside. Even if things improve it’s only temporary and as soon as you get comfortable it’s bound to fall apart again, which is its nature. Basic Buddhism. That, though, is not being a hippy, as Buddhists are almost 3000 years old and didn’t use drugs to reach their highs. Just having to accept life has no rose tint to it, and like the weather is totally neutral and unthinking. We can be moved up by highs if we’re willing to be knocked down by lows, and as Nick Roach says they rarely even themselves out, as we both discovered independently the lows are stronger.
So if I live alone for the rest of my life, never get another girlfriend and have no better health again, that’s it. People can and have been in really bad situations but happy, as they didn’t use the world to get their happiness. There is undoubtedly a source within that the outside covers up sooner or later. If you relocate the source independent of outside crap, you’ve won. The trouble is this is called enlightenment, and it’s the prerogative of the fewest people on earth according to the masters. Not a confident prospect either. But the only one which isn’t based on hope but reality. I’ve seen the leaves on the tree enough to know the whole lot is real, and however hard it may be to get there that’s all I have now I’ve eliminated all the fluff. But that’s nothing new, that was all I ever had, I’m just sure of it now.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Sunday, June 04, 2006
May's review
Looking back I had a fairly useful week. Firstly, despite no guarantee of use, I wrote an article for a select but fairly prestigious magazine. Then I saw a nice view of a roof garden near my mum, which led to enough new pictures I decided to invest in a Flickr pro account so I could keep adding photos indefinitely, and am now well over 50 into my new paid area. When you reach a point in life when visits to the local grocers becomes worth reporting something has hit a low point, but it also means I appreciate and notice every tiny detail of my life, and if there’s nothing interesting to report (like many people) I report whatever I can. Including the Polish biscuits and chocolates which no doubt various visitors will also discover. I don’t think there are many places in towns with a very different way of life to my own, there are only so many variations on shops, parks and local characters (or lack of) wherever you are in the world, which is one reason I don’t really care about holidays any more. You still wander around shops (now the same as in Brent Cross) and eat in anonymous places which are no different (besides the superior food I must admit) to any in Finchley or Hendon. Sitting by a pool or beach in hot weather is OK for a while, but not a week or two any more, which is the only major difference abroad. They have hot weather for more than a few days a year. But I can live without it nowadays really.
Generally I have had to accept the way of the world exactly as it is. Nothing happens because you want it to. You do your best, some things work, others don’t, and ultimately any more is down to other people’s choices or nature.
I have learnt one very useful rule though. You don’t always have to do things the right way to succeed. A few people have made incredible allowances for my recent health problems, and been allowed to not do various things I thought were virtually compulsory. Since taking a 3 year counselling course where every move we made was watched, I’ve been a bit over cautious since. I know it’s only people who pay me or go to bed with me who need keeping right, but I still overdo the worrying. But a lot less now as I did manage to get excused from various duties recently as I literally wasn’t up to it and the reasons were accepted fully. So less to worry about in future. Also having a cat is another reason I can’t just stop and disappear for days or longer, even if I could do with a break. Plus anyone who watches the Osbournes has a sample of the mopping up we all have to do after animals, plus the strays who arrive in the rain or any other reason to come inside. I still won’t get rid of my carpets as anything else is uncivilised and just makes the place seem like a huge bathroom. Which of course as far as the cats are concerned it is. Like the true story when our friends had a meal in France and asked where the toilet was, their host opened the back door, pointed to the garden and said ‘wherever you want’, and gave them a spade. Lucy is house trained but if other cats come in she marks her territory. Enough said.
I am being well trained not to look ahead. Hope and faith seem like leftovers from the dark ages, and there are a few unpleasant tasks I have little or no way of avoiding, and it’s better not to look, and definitely not imagine anything good happening as if it does it’ll be fine, and if not I’d only be disappointed. But I can look back on May, and say that I did more than I expected. Plenty of shopping including the DVD burner, which I finally got to work without needing to return it. I took lots of photos, did plenty of mine and my mum’s gardening and bought and sold a car. I’ve got all the notes I needed from the doctor and only have a few little jobs like an eye test and haircut left, mainly as my own optician has gone after about 15 years. But I don’t care about the hair (only my grandma makes me cut it otherwise it would be shoulder length) and I can see OK so I doubt either really matter. So I carry on and make the best of a pretty bare situation. I’ve been put in a similar compound to the Big brother house, but with no people. I have been given (or earned) enough money to buy as many bits of stuff I want, but very rarely anyone to share them with. I can go out and see people and have visitors, but know, like when my friends used to come round, unlike my friends with brothers and sisters I knew mine had to go. So I know what I’m missing but can’t do anything about it. And unlike Big brother, they rarely make the people suffer too much. When they take away the toilet paper one day they find a way to let them get it back the next. But in the real world nothing’s taken care of besides the National Health. If you go broke you go broke. Last year my money was stopped and I realised the welfare state was actually conditional, and not automatic for those on low or no incomes. Hardly anyone realises this and I only do as I had six months with no money coming in at all. Then my iron guttering and wooden beams rotted and I had to spend £3000 otherwise someone could be killed as each piece fell down. Normal household duties but not always possible to pay for. As it was my first major expense in years I’d saved for such an occasion, but not everyone can. So we do our best and hope we don’t reach the lowest levels. But reaching some higher ones would be nice…
Generally I have had to accept the way of the world exactly as it is. Nothing happens because you want it to. You do your best, some things work, others don’t, and ultimately any more is down to other people’s choices or nature.
I have learnt one very useful rule though. You don’t always have to do things the right way to succeed. A few people have made incredible allowances for my recent health problems, and been allowed to not do various things I thought were virtually compulsory. Since taking a 3 year counselling course where every move we made was watched, I’ve been a bit over cautious since. I know it’s only people who pay me or go to bed with me who need keeping right, but I still overdo the worrying. But a lot less now as I did manage to get excused from various duties recently as I literally wasn’t up to it and the reasons were accepted fully. So less to worry about in future. Also having a cat is another reason I can’t just stop and disappear for days or longer, even if I could do with a break. Plus anyone who watches the Osbournes has a sample of the mopping up we all have to do after animals, plus the strays who arrive in the rain or any other reason to come inside. I still won’t get rid of my carpets as anything else is uncivilised and just makes the place seem like a huge bathroom. Which of course as far as the cats are concerned it is. Like the true story when our friends had a meal in France and asked where the toilet was, their host opened the back door, pointed to the garden and said ‘wherever you want’, and gave them a spade. Lucy is house trained but if other cats come in she marks her territory. Enough said.
I am being well trained not to look ahead. Hope and faith seem like leftovers from the dark ages, and there are a few unpleasant tasks I have little or no way of avoiding, and it’s better not to look, and definitely not imagine anything good happening as if it does it’ll be fine, and if not I’d only be disappointed. But I can look back on May, and say that I did more than I expected. Plenty of shopping including the DVD burner, which I finally got to work without needing to return it. I took lots of photos, did plenty of mine and my mum’s gardening and bought and sold a car. I’ve got all the notes I needed from the doctor and only have a few little jobs like an eye test and haircut left, mainly as my own optician has gone after about 15 years. But I don’t care about the hair (only my grandma makes me cut it otherwise it would be shoulder length) and I can see OK so I doubt either really matter. So I carry on and make the best of a pretty bare situation. I’ve been put in a similar compound to the Big brother house, but with no people. I have been given (or earned) enough money to buy as many bits of stuff I want, but very rarely anyone to share them with. I can go out and see people and have visitors, but know, like when my friends used to come round, unlike my friends with brothers and sisters I knew mine had to go. So I know what I’m missing but can’t do anything about it. And unlike Big brother, they rarely make the people suffer too much. When they take away the toilet paper one day they find a way to let them get it back the next. But in the real world nothing’s taken care of besides the National Health. If you go broke you go broke. Last year my money was stopped and I realised the welfare state was actually conditional, and not automatic for those on low or no incomes. Hardly anyone realises this and I only do as I had six months with no money coming in at all. Then my iron guttering and wooden beams rotted and I had to spend £3000 otherwise someone could be killed as each piece fell down. Normal household duties but not always possible to pay for. As it was my first major expense in years I’d saved for such an occasion, but not everyone can. So we do our best and hope we don’t reach the lowest levels. But reaching some higher ones would be nice…
Friday, June 02, 2006
Pissing around
That is what I've been doing all day, not a bit of anything constructive in outsider's terms, but I began by running Google Earth for the first time, which is like Getmapping but 1000 times closer and clearer and navigates as you press the arrows and zooms infinitely variably. They clearly seem to take the whole earth as a view (no idea how they cover it all) but once I found my house saw the cars outside and plastic falling off my garage roof could see it was at least a year old. But it's a hobby I'll be exploiting for some time I suspect. I also looked up the address of someone I met on holiday in 1974, and for the first time saw the pub where he lived in the North of Scotland Struy Inn
It's only 4 O clock, so maybe something more useful will get done next, I've had to record a whole heap of programmes as I'm going to my mum and she refuses to watch Big Brother, but the trouble is Friday is eviction night and there's only a 50-50 chance I can get home without hearing the result somehow. I hate lots of TV programmes but not enough not to allow them on my tv...
I'm taking the camera with me as there are a few more locations, and I also have the freedom to take absolutely everything now I have a Flickr Pro account. But the toll of being on my own for nearly 3 days is showing, I'm beginning to feel like a castaway and is a similar feeling to going for a poo without anything to read. Pretty lost. I am now following up a new project to try out an antenna that can twist space and time. I'm getting it around next week, and will have to apparently be careful what I wish for as I may be playing with more than I bargained for. Or not. But this is from someone I know who is honest and have no reason to think he's imagining it, but I can only know by testing it myself.
Otherwise it's exactly a month since my friend said he'd try and email me about his plans to stay in America. Clearly I am the bottom of his list of priorities now I'm so far away and I've just had to accept I am in the past to him however much they'll always be in the present for me regardless of distance. Some people put down deeper roots than others, and others can move on and virtually forget their past for the present. Not me, the longer I've lived here the more attached I've become to little things like road signs, paths, houses and other features I've often known all my life. I couldn't see the point of moving to any other country once you've become used to your own, which is why one of my requirements for a wife would be not to move abroad. I'd be so lost in another country the marriage would mean little in comparison. I remember any holiday that wasn't up to scratch in the past I just counted the days till home, and even on some of the good ones started to miss local scenes after a while. Dogs and cats again. A dog will follow its owner anywhere, but a cat likes home and can go back for miles after the family moves.
So, I need a woman who sees the person as overshadowing all their faults. That means she (just as I do) has no need to go to places with that person, but being with them is enough. I know this happens in many marriages where one person falls apart and the other sticks with them, but it can happen when you meet someone who's already falling apart and still accept them. And the right woman would help many of my issues so would be bound to improve as well. I hope. Meanwhile just for fun I think of the woman abroad who is happy to travel alone and has no apparent need for a man. There are two sides to this. The negative is that she may not want a man at all, but the positive is is she gets one wouldn't rely on them to take her everywhere. When I go out on my own (as I usually do nowadays) it would be enough to know I was coming home to someone (which I don't). Of course all the usual stuff would be done together, but travelling and going to shows isn't my thing any more, and any woman will just have to take me as I am. There is a strange phenomenon when I can switch and be able to do things but it's a random process, besides having the tablets that contributed to my inner peace suddenly being rejected by my intestines. The ones I take now take the edge off, but they are not constant like the others, I take them as and when I need them and they don't last all day on a single dosage.
On a final note, the number of intelligent educated people I know on the same or similar tablets to me is incredible. It's as if my own reaction to 21st century life is spreading and soon, because many places have become so uncivilised, will become a normal reaction as more people reach their tolerance limits. When I was in Devon my maximum tests were sitting in a concert (which I used to try every few weeks or so just to practice) or spending the night in a woman's room. The nearest towns could be reached in 15-20 minutes for as many miles, and though even Newton Abbott may have gone the way of everywhere else since I was last there Totnes never could be, and when desperate we could always go to Paignton for extra supplies which is pretty suburban. Both myself and my father nearly moved there years ago, he was unable to sell his house and I was unable to get a job so it didn't happen, but it was a possibility for a while had, as per usual, other people made our decisions for us.
That is over half our lives, we are where we are partly through one person's choice which either did or didn't conflict with ours. I live here as a person changed his mind about accepting my offer on his house about 10 miles away. We didn't move away from London altogether as my father took so long to sell his house and by the time he did I already had my house in Surrey where he still lives. Even the car I have was because the person I know with a car for sale was too busy to contact me, and by the time someone wanted mine the other one I wanted was sold, and mine turned up literally off my father's road a few days later. My choice was limited by what was available rather than exactly what I wanted. So if you combine a person's decision as to whether they want to:
go out with you
sell you their house
buy or sell a car
use your work
marry you
employ you
reply to your letter/email
do a job for you
come to visit you
live in another place/country
etc etc., you see many of the biggest elements of our lives such as where we live, our jobs, cars and partners depend at least half on another person's choice combined with our own. And in the partner case (my own problem) it's 100% their choice and none of yours as no matter how much you like someone it means jack shit unless it's their feeling as well. QED
It's only 4 O clock, so maybe something more useful will get done next, I've had to record a whole heap of programmes as I'm going to my mum and she refuses to watch Big Brother, but the trouble is Friday is eviction night and there's only a 50-50 chance I can get home without hearing the result somehow. I hate lots of TV programmes but not enough not to allow them on my tv...
I'm taking the camera with me as there are a few more locations, and I also have the freedom to take absolutely everything now I have a Flickr Pro account. But the toll of being on my own for nearly 3 days is showing, I'm beginning to feel like a castaway and is a similar feeling to going for a poo without anything to read. Pretty lost. I am now following up a new project to try out an antenna that can twist space and time. I'm getting it around next week, and will have to apparently be careful what I wish for as I may be playing with more than I bargained for. Or not. But this is from someone I know who is honest and have no reason to think he's imagining it, but I can only know by testing it myself.
Otherwise it's exactly a month since my friend said he'd try and email me about his plans to stay in America. Clearly I am the bottom of his list of priorities now I'm so far away and I've just had to accept I am in the past to him however much they'll always be in the present for me regardless of distance. Some people put down deeper roots than others, and others can move on and virtually forget their past for the present. Not me, the longer I've lived here the more attached I've become to little things like road signs, paths, houses and other features I've often known all my life. I couldn't see the point of moving to any other country once you've become used to your own, which is why one of my requirements for a wife would be not to move abroad. I'd be so lost in another country the marriage would mean little in comparison. I remember any holiday that wasn't up to scratch in the past I just counted the days till home, and even on some of the good ones started to miss local scenes after a while. Dogs and cats again. A dog will follow its owner anywhere, but a cat likes home and can go back for miles after the family moves.
So, I need a woman who sees the person as overshadowing all their faults. That means she (just as I do) has no need to go to places with that person, but being with them is enough. I know this happens in many marriages where one person falls apart and the other sticks with them, but it can happen when you meet someone who's already falling apart and still accept them. And the right woman would help many of my issues so would be bound to improve as well. I hope. Meanwhile just for fun I think of the woman abroad who is happy to travel alone and has no apparent need for a man. There are two sides to this. The negative is that she may not want a man at all, but the positive is is she gets one wouldn't rely on them to take her everywhere. When I go out on my own (as I usually do nowadays) it would be enough to know I was coming home to someone (which I don't). Of course all the usual stuff would be done together, but travelling and going to shows isn't my thing any more, and any woman will just have to take me as I am. There is a strange phenomenon when I can switch and be able to do things but it's a random process, besides having the tablets that contributed to my inner peace suddenly being rejected by my intestines. The ones I take now take the edge off, but they are not constant like the others, I take them as and when I need them and they don't last all day on a single dosage.
On a final note, the number of intelligent educated people I know on the same or similar tablets to me is incredible. It's as if my own reaction to 21st century life is spreading and soon, because many places have become so uncivilised, will become a normal reaction as more people reach their tolerance limits. When I was in Devon my maximum tests were sitting in a concert (which I used to try every few weeks or so just to practice) or spending the night in a woman's room. The nearest towns could be reached in 15-20 minutes for as many miles, and though even Newton Abbott may have gone the way of everywhere else since I was last there Totnes never could be, and when desperate we could always go to Paignton for extra supplies which is pretty suburban. Both myself and my father nearly moved there years ago, he was unable to sell his house and I was unable to get a job so it didn't happen, but it was a possibility for a while had, as per usual, other people made our decisions for us.
That is over half our lives, we are where we are partly through one person's choice which either did or didn't conflict with ours. I live here as a person changed his mind about accepting my offer on his house about 10 miles away. We didn't move away from London altogether as my father took so long to sell his house and by the time he did I already had my house in Surrey where he still lives. Even the car I have was because the person I know with a car for sale was too busy to contact me, and by the time someone wanted mine the other one I wanted was sold, and mine turned up literally off my father's road a few days later. My choice was limited by what was available rather than exactly what I wanted. So if you combine a person's decision as to whether they want to:
go out with you
sell you their house
buy or sell a car
use your work
marry you
employ you
reply to your letter/email
do a job for you
come to visit you
live in another place/country
etc etc., you see many of the biggest elements of our lives such as where we live, our jobs, cars and partners depend at least half on another person's choice combined with our own. And in the partner case (my own problem) it's 100% their choice and none of yours as no matter how much you like someone it means jack shit unless it's their feeling as well. QED
Thursday, June 01, 2006
I love writing!
I've just finished a 5 page article on alien abduction and what do I do to relax? Carry on writing! I hope this article will be accepted as it's for a much bigger publication than I normally write for, it's gone off and I just have to wait for a thumbs up or down as it's for a skeptical organisation and I'm not a skeptic.
I'll go and work on the painting next, after my client cancelled I've got another day off, and as I had a nice day out taking photos yesterday I could do my indoor jobs today with no interruptions. I took the plunge and upgraded to Flickr pro last night, as I found I could just about justify the added storage, and am now 30 or so beyond the old limit, and another trip planned to take some more. I also missed not mixing with the groups I'm in if I couldn't keep adding new photos, which is the best way to get people to view the album.
A bit of good news is the whine on my 5th gear seemed to have gone when I tried it yesterday. I reckon if it was knackered it wouldn't come and go but get worse with time. Well as it's less than a day since my last entry and the aliens haven't landed or I've become enlightened since then (or left the house) I'd be stretched to report anything else, so I'll go and play a few quizzes, finish my coffee and work on the painting, possibly till it's finished. Meanwhile I'll post one of my favourite houses (in a row of them) we nearly moved to when I was 14.
I'll go and work on the painting next, after my client cancelled I've got another day off, and as I had a nice day out taking photos yesterday I could do my indoor jobs today with no interruptions. I took the plunge and upgraded to Flickr pro last night, as I found I could just about justify the added storage, and am now 30 or so beyond the old limit, and another trip planned to take some more. I also missed not mixing with the groups I'm in if I couldn't keep adding new photos, which is the best way to get people to view the album.
A bit of good news is the whine on my 5th gear seemed to have gone when I tried it yesterday. I reckon if it was knackered it wouldn't come and go but get worse with time. Well as it's less than a day since my last entry and the aliens haven't landed or I've become enlightened since then (or left the house) I'd be stretched to report anything else, so I'll go and play a few quizzes, finish my coffee and work on the painting, possibly till it's finished. Meanwhile I'll post one of my favourite houses (in a row of them) we nearly moved to when I was 14.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Wednesday off
This was my day off this week, and I started by takingthe photos seen in the previous entry, among others. I then decided that I had enough scope to pay the small amount for a Flickr Pro account, also as I am in so many groups people would miss out if I didn't keep adding to them as well as my own album. I'm in the process of adding many photos I couldn't include now I have the space, and started a new group just for paths.
Though I didn't see anyone today it was a nice day, sunny most of the time though still pretty cold for the last day of May. Even little things like getting some nice new chocolate biscuits makes a difference, in fact combining the little things with the right people are what have made some of the best moments in my life.
I'm free all day tomorrow as well, which after today's external activities aim to finish the painting and article and then do some gardening. Of course if a woman turns up it will be even better, and it can happen though the choice of woman isn't usually within my own preferences... My grandma's made incredible progress since having her kidney out on Friday. She sounded like her usual self for the first time today and may be leaving hospital at the weekend for a week in a nursing home. For 96 it shows what I've discovered, age is only half or less of a factor in health, as it is in appearance. Older people needn't get tired more easily and I now see variations between people my own age who look between 25 and 60. I will be filming the TV programme now on the 12th of June and add any new data here as usual. Besides the relative fame if it also eventually leads to paid work I'll be very pleased as my method has always been to get money from as many sources as possible so if one dries up there are always others, and it works.
For a change (OK, only because Big Brother's started) I won't go on, but I may be back...
Though I didn't see anyone today it was a nice day, sunny most of the time though still pretty cold for the last day of May. Even little things like getting some nice new chocolate biscuits makes a difference, in fact combining the little things with the right people are what have made some of the best moments in my life.
I'm free all day tomorrow as well, which after today's external activities aim to finish the painting and article and then do some gardening. Of course if a woman turns up it will be even better, and it can happen though the choice of woman isn't usually within my own preferences... My grandma's made incredible progress since having her kidney out on Friday. She sounded like her usual self for the first time today and may be leaving hospital at the weekend for a week in a nursing home. For 96 it shows what I've discovered, age is only half or less of a factor in health, as it is in appearance. Older people needn't get tired more easily and I now see variations between people my own age who look between 25 and 60. I will be filming the TV programme now on the 12th of June and add any new data here as usual. Besides the relative fame if it also eventually leads to paid work I'll be very pleased as my method has always been to get money from as many sources as possible so if one dries up there are always others, and it works.
For a change (OK, only because Big Brother's started) I won't go on, but I may be back...
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Total freedom
Yes, it's not often I can say that. I had a few hours of total freedom, which I technically still have except I've just been told my new car may need a new gearbox, which cast a bit of a shadow over the picture, though it is guaranteed. I still need to get it checked and see whether 5th gear is buggered and will need the whole thing replaced if worn out.
On the plus side I discovered the DVD situation meant that computers pre 2005 can't read modern DVDs. I tried various ways and the stuff is saved and I should also be able to save most of it on CD so I can read it anywhere.
There's little to report of actual activity, I am about to type and add the material to my article after this, and may well finish it before bedtime. Tomorrow if I can be bothered I've got some more photos I can take as it's my free day this week, though Flickr was full I'd switched the images for other sites to a new album, and freed up a whole 5 pictures, with 3 left to fill. My next task is to discover whether I can save video clips from the internet like images or I'd need someone to email me them as attachments. There must be a way and so far it looks as if you pay for it you can get a tool from Real Player but I'm buggered if I'll be shtupped into wasting my money like that.
Otherwise it's a simple freedom, even the jobs I have to do are nice ones, and I reckon I've deserved that as it's the first break I've probably had for months. No plans or expectations as I now realise it's me on my own and anyone who comes in I like is in their power not mine. It has been, as predicted, a cold month. It was about 14' yesterday and today and I have my vest on as I type. The heating bill has for the first time generated 2 winter maximum bills in a row from November to May. I'm still wearing my winter coat grade 2 (over 5') and am wondering if I was correct that our summer was the day last month as I reported. I'm learning to drop my imagination and never again expect anything in life to be different to how it is. Technically I have discovered I am an overall acceptable partner for enough women and any failures behind me are not my own fault. In fact most were before I was that phobic and they simply didn't want me even if I could offer the lot. If someone likes you most will overlook any fault if it's not directed against them. In the end I have now left it to others to pick me. I have my list of acceptables, and the first who wants me gets me. I have no real preference, and just the chance to take any of them would be enough for me and I can't see any reason to reject any who wanted me. At my age any person is going to have collected some scars and I expect many women over 40 will be able to compete at a fair level.
So that's all there is technically, plus a firm date for my 2nd TV filming. It seems that being a rare person in a specialised field is the best way to become famous with no connections. You can be incredibly talented at other things but when you are doing something common like singing it's all about promotion. But interviewing people who may have been abducted by aliens with qualifications is not something many qualified people would bother to do. Once the article is written it'll be nice if accepted, as few people read the magazine it includes some top academics. Now that, I reckon, is where the requirement for qualifications matters. Anyone can do research, but if you're not a graduate (minimum) no one is likely to bother to take your stuff unless you're a journalist. I'm using my background to break into journalism through writing about anything I can until people want to use it. I find the more I write the more I can. I turn out 6 pages in half an hour without a break once inspired (with a pen, that is), and tap many ideas if required. Find what you're good at naturally and exploit it. And qualify in it if possible.
At the bottom line no details matter. If you're content in life it doesn't need too many outside circumstances to create it. For me a simple nuclear family and regular income is all I want, with a few psychic powers to add excitement. Bollocks to that as an ambition, hardest thing on earth in reality...
On the plus side I discovered the DVD situation meant that computers pre 2005 can't read modern DVDs. I tried various ways and the stuff is saved and I should also be able to save most of it on CD so I can read it anywhere.
There's little to report of actual activity, I am about to type and add the material to my article after this, and may well finish it before bedtime. Tomorrow if I can be bothered I've got some more photos I can take as it's my free day this week, though Flickr was full I'd switched the images for other sites to a new album, and freed up a whole 5 pictures, with 3 left to fill. My next task is to discover whether I can save video clips from the internet like images or I'd need someone to email me them as attachments. There must be a way and so far it looks as if you pay for it you can get a tool from Real Player but I'm buggered if I'll be shtupped into wasting my money like that.
Otherwise it's a simple freedom, even the jobs I have to do are nice ones, and I reckon I've deserved that as it's the first break I've probably had for months. No plans or expectations as I now realise it's me on my own and anyone who comes in I like is in their power not mine. It has been, as predicted, a cold month. It was about 14' yesterday and today and I have my vest on as I type. The heating bill has for the first time generated 2 winter maximum bills in a row from November to May. I'm still wearing my winter coat grade 2 (over 5') and am wondering if I was correct that our summer was the day last month as I reported. I'm learning to drop my imagination and never again expect anything in life to be different to how it is. Technically I have discovered I am an overall acceptable partner for enough women and any failures behind me are not my own fault. In fact most were before I was that phobic and they simply didn't want me even if I could offer the lot. If someone likes you most will overlook any fault if it's not directed against them. In the end I have now left it to others to pick me. I have my list of acceptables, and the first who wants me gets me. I have no real preference, and just the chance to take any of them would be enough for me and I can't see any reason to reject any who wanted me. At my age any person is going to have collected some scars and I expect many women over 40 will be able to compete at a fair level.
So that's all there is technically, plus a firm date for my 2nd TV filming. It seems that being a rare person in a specialised field is the best way to become famous with no connections. You can be incredibly talented at other things but when you are doing something common like singing it's all about promotion. But interviewing people who may have been abducted by aliens with qualifications is not something many qualified people would bother to do. Once the article is written it'll be nice if accepted, as few people read the magazine it includes some top academics. Now that, I reckon, is where the requirement for qualifications matters. Anyone can do research, but if you're not a graduate (minimum) no one is likely to bother to take your stuff unless you're a journalist. I'm using my background to break into journalism through writing about anything I can until people want to use it. I find the more I write the more I can. I turn out 6 pages in half an hour without a break once inspired (with a pen, that is), and tap many ideas if required. Find what you're good at naturally and exploit it. And qualify in it if possible.
At the bottom line no details matter. If you're content in life it doesn't need too many outside circumstances to create it. For me a simple nuclear family and regular income is all I want, with a few psychic powers to add excitement. Bollocks to that as an ambition, hardest thing on earth in reality...
Monday, May 29, 2006
Known and unknown
I’ve had a few days free to get my thoughts together, and have been able to assess more or less where I stand. On the pleasure side little is known. I have no idea when and how it will arrive, all I know is a provisional date for a TV filming (which I’m not sure will be shown in the UK) and a 5% chance with a woman I know at a later date.
The only area I see as offering anything back for the effort I put in is still the supernatural. Despite seeing people apparently manipulating matter with their minds and speaking to aliens through human subjects, I have nothing known more than telepathy, clairvoyance and aura vision. Healing also works and I do know energy can be sent across any distance but yet to know what this energy can do. But when I consider the number of educated non believers I realise just by a few hours of research anyone can know nearly all I do and never doubt certain powers are definitely real. You can’t test anything in a laboratory that can’t be physically measured like thoughts or feelings, so each person will have to witness a demonstration themselves before they’ll know. And I don’t mean hearing a reading from someone else, which they can all say is a trick. I mean actually do it themselves. I show people in a few minutes and the less open minded almost cack themselves in fright when they get things correct.
One known is what’s up with my DVD burner. It turns out any computer made before 2005 can’t read the format. Bugger that for a lark. The good news is I needn’t return to the dreaded PC World, EVER! I can now burn all my files and videos to DVD and just be careful where I try and watch them, but my own computer is fine as the burner acts as an external reader as well. The staff could have mentioned this when selling the stuff though as it affects nearly everyone and took me three days to learn what they could have on a sign.
So, there’s a blank canvas ahead. I’ve fixed my teeth, computer, garden, mother’s garden, car sale and purchase, done and sold a painting, had all my medical examinations and treatment and taken lots of nice photos. Unless something else falls apart in my house or body I think the main crap has been sorted out, and it’s an adventure in limbo to make something of the time I have. The first item is to finish the second commissioned painting, then to finish and send off the article for the slightly higher circulation magazine than anything I’ve written for before. It’s all written but just needs some data added from my files before the final version is typed. Beyond that I will let drift as it will whether I try and aim anywhere or not. If my health improves (illness has given way to almost chronic tiredness, which is a definite improvement) and the panic attacks wear off (as tiredness gives me little resistance to outside circumstances) there will be many more things (mainly social) I can do. Unless the next woman I meet appreciates the person more than where they go, like I do. Miracles do happen but are not anything you can rely on.
The only area I see as offering anything back for the effort I put in is still the supernatural. Despite seeing people apparently manipulating matter with their minds and speaking to aliens through human subjects, I have nothing known more than telepathy, clairvoyance and aura vision. Healing also works and I do know energy can be sent across any distance but yet to know what this energy can do. But when I consider the number of educated non believers I realise just by a few hours of research anyone can know nearly all I do and never doubt certain powers are definitely real. You can’t test anything in a laboratory that can’t be physically measured like thoughts or feelings, so each person will have to witness a demonstration themselves before they’ll know. And I don’t mean hearing a reading from someone else, which they can all say is a trick. I mean actually do it themselves. I show people in a few minutes and the less open minded almost cack themselves in fright when they get things correct.
One known is what’s up with my DVD burner. It turns out any computer made before 2005 can’t read the format. Bugger that for a lark. The good news is I needn’t return to the dreaded PC World, EVER! I can now burn all my files and videos to DVD and just be careful where I try and watch them, but my own computer is fine as the burner acts as an external reader as well. The staff could have mentioned this when selling the stuff though as it affects nearly everyone and took me three days to learn what they could have on a sign.
So, there’s a blank canvas ahead. I’ve fixed my teeth, computer, garden, mother’s garden, car sale and purchase, done and sold a painting, had all my medical examinations and treatment and taken lots of nice photos. Unless something else falls apart in my house or body I think the main crap has been sorted out, and it’s an adventure in limbo to make something of the time I have. The first item is to finish the second commissioned painting, then to finish and send off the article for the slightly higher circulation magazine than anything I’ve written for before. It’s all written but just needs some data added from my files before the final version is typed. Beyond that I will let drift as it will whether I try and aim anywhere or not. If my health improves (illness has given way to almost chronic tiredness, which is a definite improvement) and the panic attacks wear off (as tiredness gives me little resistance to outside circumstances) there will be many more things (mainly social) I can do. Unless the next woman I meet appreciates the person more than where they go, like I do. Miracles do happen but are not anything you can rely on.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Stress from London
Firstly apologies where due. I did some research today, and called PC World who explained the W means you can write over old stuff and were fine. I spent the afternoon testing and eventually discovered the whole batch of 10 discs was buggered, as a decent disc I had already not only burned perfectly, but at 48X speed. Besides the mysterious crashing of windows (about 4 times now) and the internal error bootup message with no information as to source the burner is working.
I presume the error is connected with the new software, and though I've frozen and scrambled the data many many times from new software I've never had a total system crash in windows 98 or XP till this little sod arrived. The discs have to go, while I'll get the same ones I had already I still have the ridiculous wait for service at the notorious returns desk, which I've used literally every time I've used the shop. Never again. Local shop every time now where the same person takes the money and gives advice and service. What the hell can they do to make dvds not work? Anyone have ny theories?
Otherwise it's been a standard week, lots of rain, very little business and not as much sleep as I need. I said to my mum that it seems that mental and physical power seems to be given evenly to most people, and the more of one they get the less of the other, and I could see myself slowly becoming like Stephen Hawking... The trouble was I was being serious. If I'm this worn out at 46 it's clearly not age related, my body has just decided whatever I've been through was too much for it and it would rather live in a distand community with servants looking after its every need. London in the 21st century is different from 30 years ago and more. Everything is harder. If you travel anywhere it takes longer, and god forbid when you need to use a public service like the council or doctors the waits are third world in many cases. We used to watch the news in Africa or the old Soviet Union and feel relieved we had everything so easy. The differences are closing. We're slowly dropping and they're partially improving. At worst they'll stay the same and the west will catch up. My supervisor said Londoners are coming down with more and more stress related illness, as overcrowding affects most animals with the desire to move or thim out the population by murder.
If you live in a distant place with everything in a small community there are few chances for stress of that sort. Most needs are within a short distance and easy to get to. PC World is a distant memory from your trip to the city 5 years ago and you couldn't buy anything there as it would take 10 hours to return it at a cost of about £100 travelling the next day when it didn't work. Crowded noisy eating places would be impossible if the population wasn't big enough to generate a crowd. Those hillbilly diners they have in films where the inbred locals play pool and goose the waitress and the sherriff went to school with you is the sort of place that appeals to me. Not the people but that sort of hangout. Like an extended family. I suppose Wales may have a few places like that but they only talk Welsh to exclude the foreigners from going there. But England (apart from Cornwall which is very similar to Wales) is never far from urbanity. Few far flung towns aren't isolated enough not to need a weekly trip to the big smoke somewhere with its multi storey car parks, shopping malls the same as those 7000 miles away in California and one way systems. The island is simply too small for those small communities which survive independently of nearly every other place unless you're dying.
If such places existed in England I'd be on the verge of considering it, though as I'm single would never fit in as I tried in Oxford and realised everyone was quite happy with who was there and didn't need anyone new at 30. I'm sure Oxford's gone a similar way to London, as everywhere else seems a smaller clone. Woking, Lewes, Luton, just little copies with sleazy piss covered concrete walkways just like Wembley Central, no on-street parking, blocked road entries everywhere, and huge superstores on the ring road for the sheep. IKEA are slowly spreading from the original one shop up the road from me to insidiously loom over every town with more than 250,000 by the end of the century. OK, I actually like IKEA and half my furniture is from there, but the uniformity is mind numbing, and when I saw the same shops in Miami as Brent Cross in 1995 I realised if you wanted to go shopping anywhere on earth you'd probably have the same choices now wherever you were (except Britain, who only gets the fag-ends as we are a smaller market). That comes from working in a sports shop and discovering they only sell the most popular (as in bland) stuff here as it's not worth selling any more.
Basically London was tolerable till maybe 1990 or so, but it's not the place I'd change but the time. I stayed in the same place but the place went downhill. Where are the victims of overcrowding supposed to go? If it's hard fitting in 50 miles away I'm not going abroad. America wouldn't have me and I won't even start on any of the other options. People get stuck on the North Circular for hours when it's closed three times this week due to accidents and think it doesn't addect them. But the second, third and subsequent times it happens they slowly start feeling not quite right. Then it's got them, and they'll be on the way to catching me up. People are all human, and whatever you think not immune to stress. It just takes time to show.
I presume the error is connected with the new software, and though I've frozen and scrambled the data many many times from new software I've never had a total system crash in windows 98 or XP till this little sod arrived. The discs have to go, while I'll get the same ones I had already I still have the ridiculous wait for service at the notorious returns desk, which I've used literally every time I've used the shop. Never again. Local shop every time now where the same person takes the money and gives advice and service. What the hell can they do to make dvds not work? Anyone have ny theories?
Otherwise it's been a standard week, lots of rain, very little business and not as much sleep as I need. I said to my mum that it seems that mental and physical power seems to be given evenly to most people, and the more of one they get the less of the other, and I could see myself slowly becoming like Stephen Hawking... The trouble was I was being serious. If I'm this worn out at 46 it's clearly not age related, my body has just decided whatever I've been through was too much for it and it would rather live in a distand community with servants looking after its every need. London in the 21st century is different from 30 years ago and more. Everything is harder. If you travel anywhere it takes longer, and god forbid when you need to use a public service like the council or doctors the waits are third world in many cases. We used to watch the news in Africa or the old Soviet Union and feel relieved we had everything so easy. The differences are closing. We're slowly dropping and they're partially improving. At worst they'll stay the same and the west will catch up. My supervisor said Londoners are coming down with more and more stress related illness, as overcrowding affects most animals with the desire to move or thim out the population by murder.
If you live in a distant place with everything in a small community there are few chances for stress of that sort. Most needs are within a short distance and easy to get to. PC World is a distant memory from your trip to the city 5 years ago and you couldn't buy anything there as it would take 10 hours to return it at a cost of about £100 travelling the next day when it didn't work. Crowded noisy eating places would be impossible if the population wasn't big enough to generate a crowd. Those hillbilly diners they have in films where the inbred locals play pool and goose the waitress and the sherriff went to school with you is the sort of place that appeals to me. Not the people but that sort of hangout. Like an extended family. I suppose Wales may have a few places like that but they only talk Welsh to exclude the foreigners from going there. But England (apart from Cornwall which is very similar to Wales) is never far from urbanity. Few far flung towns aren't isolated enough not to need a weekly trip to the big smoke somewhere with its multi storey car parks, shopping malls the same as those 7000 miles away in California and one way systems. The island is simply too small for those small communities which survive independently of nearly every other place unless you're dying.
If such places existed in England I'd be on the verge of considering it, though as I'm single would never fit in as I tried in Oxford and realised everyone was quite happy with who was there and didn't need anyone new at 30. I'm sure Oxford's gone a similar way to London, as everywhere else seems a smaller clone. Woking, Lewes, Luton, just little copies with sleazy piss covered concrete walkways just like Wembley Central, no on-street parking, blocked road entries everywhere, and huge superstores on the ring road for the sheep. IKEA are slowly spreading from the original one shop up the road from me to insidiously loom over every town with more than 250,000 by the end of the century. OK, I actually like IKEA and half my furniture is from there, but the uniformity is mind numbing, and when I saw the same shops in Miami as Brent Cross in 1995 I realised if you wanted to go shopping anywhere on earth you'd probably have the same choices now wherever you were (except Britain, who only gets the fag-ends as we are a smaller market). That comes from working in a sports shop and discovering they only sell the most popular (as in bland) stuff here as it's not worth selling any more.
Basically London was tolerable till maybe 1990 or so, but it's not the place I'd change but the time. I stayed in the same place but the place went downhill. Where are the victims of overcrowding supposed to go? If it's hard fitting in 50 miles away I'm not going abroad. America wouldn't have me and I won't even start on any of the other options. People get stuck on the North Circular for hours when it's closed three times this week due to accidents and think it doesn't addect them. But the second, third and subsequent times it happens they slowly start feeling not quite right. Then it's got them, and they'll be on the way to catching me up. People are all human, and whatever you think not immune to stress. It just takes time to show.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Two fingers to PC World
Before I go into the rest of it, what's the difference in buying from a superstore and a local shop? The superstore has choice and the shop has service. The totally useless prats at PC World Staples Corner first made me queue up at returns as the nice but silly woman on the checkout told me my new dvd burner was external, and as soon as I got in the car it said in tiny letters 'internal'. Eventually the staff behind the returns desk drew a straw to decide to serve me, and I had to swap the burner and dedicated blank dvds. The shelves had nothing on them to indicate what each item was, and 'external' and 'internal' were either in a tiny word on the bottom of the box or not mentioned at all. The external one I did find cost nearly double the others, and as soon as I got home and hooked all the usual shit up (it needs a mains lead which crosses half the room) I burned the first load of pictures and when I put the dvd in the drive said 'no disk'.
What's the difference between a working dvd system and another long visit to PC World returns? A 'W'. Yes, everything between success and total failure rested on a letter W. The trouble is the totally useless spastic at the returns desk was supposedly qualified to sell computers and I wasn't qualified to buy them. So though the woman at sales correctly identified the Philips unit that had to go back needed special dvds, but not whether the unit was internal or external, the twat at returns was totally happy to sell me the pack of blank dvds I picked, though mine had a W on them. To my burner this was like putting a pig's penis in a Jewish bride. It reacted with such venom my computer restarted three times over and the fourth attempt with a different software finally posted an error message 'wrong dvd'. It didn't say what was wrong with it except the box said R and the dvd said RW.
Part two coming. Will PC World accept the 10 useless dvd RWs back as I've opened them, considering they should have known they didn't go with the burner. It's not the £10, I can absorb that, but the sheer pointless waste of time having to spend another trip queuing up to get it back and still can't use my burner till it's sorted out. If anyone wanted to buy them I'd just get the right ones, but what are the chances of anyone needing to burn 10 movies in a format clearly no one else wants?
What's the difference between a working dvd system and another long visit to PC World returns? A 'W'. Yes, everything between success and total failure rested on a letter W. The trouble is the totally useless spastic at the returns desk was supposedly qualified to sell computers and I wasn't qualified to buy them. So though the woman at sales correctly identified the Philips unit that had to go back needed special dvds, but not whether the unit was internal or external, the twat at returns was totally happy to sell me the pack of blank dvds I picked, though mine had a W on them. To my burner this was like putting a pig's penis in a Jewish bride. It reacted with such venom my computer restarted three times over and the fourth attempt with a different software finally posted an error message 'wrong dvd'. It didn't say what was wrong with it except the box said R and the dvd said RW.
Part two coming. Will PC World accept the 10 useless dvd RWs back as I've opened them, considering they should have known they didn't go with the burner. It's not the £10, I can absorb that, but the sheer pointless waste of time having to spend another trip queuing up to get it back and still can't use my burner till it's sorted out. If anyone wanted to buy them I'd just get the right ones, but what are the chances of anyone needing to burn 10 movies in a format clearly no one else wants?
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Free again
Rain but freedom. Only one client today otherwise a copy of yesterday, including the almost constant rain. A friend turned up first which broke the monotony of yesterday's almost total isolation, then I used the short break between heavy periods, I mean showers, to cycle to the shop to get some essential supplies.
I've been working on the picture in between, and for the first time (as I usually cover it), so the cat managed to walk her wet paws right across the painting. As I was only at a relatively early stage there was no detail to ruin, thank goodness. It's now totally pouring with rain, Lucy is sitting in the porch, and I had to leave the front door open for her as she wanted to go out but won't sit in the rain. The stray tabby who eats all her food (with her permission as well) is sitting in the kitchen as well due to the weather. He may hate humans but likes what we can provide for him...
Despite giving up trying to teach anyone anything unless they ask first, one area I can't avoid going on about as it affects my life is the myth of global warming. I've explained why on my www.kingsbury.tk site, so all I'll add here is a professor in Australia both explained how scientists are paid fortunes by governments to falsify data to pretend it matters, but that temperatures have been independently shown not to have increased for years by East Anglia University. And many places will show that carbon dioxide levels have not always been related to temperature rises, in fact usually the opposite. http://www.diogeneslamp.net/?p=146
The wise professor who refuses to follow his fellow career-minded sheep has said exactly the same things I have, but backed up with his own professional science as well as seeing the way pro-warming reports break down into nothing. Here is an example:
Each such alarmist article is larded with words such as “if”, “might”, “could”, “probably”, “perhaps”, “expected”, “projected” or “modelled” - and many involve such deep dreaming, or ignorance of scientific facts and principles, that they are akin to nonsense.
He goes on to explain the mechanism where scientists are encouraged to look for anything supporting the theory, and then supplies a list of reasons why they are incorrect. If I change one person from believing in the fairyland view of man-made global warming wrecking the planet I will have done a good job as the governments, despite their huge media power, are liars. A few of us can see it, and even if the temperatures did go up a little (which is all they're actually saying might happen, nothing actually has yet remember) the winners would definitely outweigh the losers as change (as in 'what exactly is the world's correct climate?') is all we get. Some benefit, some lose. And being in a civilised country with uncivilised weather (14' or so at the end of May) I welcome it with open arms, except I'd be 175 before any of these supposed disasters would actually become apparent.
With Africans all tearing each other's guts out in Sudan, Rwanda and Zimbabwe (unless they've stopped recently) and famines in many where they aren't at the moment all the money they're ploughing into global warming propoganda and meetings they could probably have fed Africa for the forseeable future. That is the real cost, in what they could be spending the money on for people who are suffering right now. It is a truly tragic con, and one few people are prepared to work against, so it's the one exception in my programme of education as I am taxed and restricted by all this shite. We could have lower water bills in London, but our desalination plant was blocked by the Mayor to 'avoid global warming'. It's my money that's being stolen by these lying bastards so I will work on this crap as long as I can use a typewriter, and maybe one day someone will thank me for it.
I've been working on the picture in between, and for the first time (as I usually cover it), so the cat managed to walk her wet paws right across the painting. As I was only at a relatively early stage there was no detail to ruin, thank goodness. It's now totally pouring with rain, Lucy is sitting in the porch, and I had to leave the front door open for her as she wanted to go out but won't sit in the rain. The stray tabby who eats all her food (with her permission as well) is sitting in the kitchen as well due to the weather. He may hate humans but likes what we can provide for him...
Despite giving up trying to teach anyone anything unless they ask first, one area I can't avoid going on about as it affects my life is the myth of global warming. I've explained why on my www.kingsbury.tk site, so all I'll add here is a professor in Australia both explained how scientists are paid fortunes by governments to falsify data to pretend it matters, but that temperatures have been independently shown not to have increased for years by East Anglia University. And many places will show that carbon dioxide levels have not always been related to temperature rises, in fact usually the opposite. http://www.diogeneslamp.net/?p=146
The wise professor who refuses to follow his fellow career-minded sheep has said exactly the same things I have, but backed up with his own professional science as well as seeing the way pro-warming reports break down into nothing. Here is an example:
Each such alarmist article is larded with words such as “if”, “might”, “could”, “probably”, “perhaps”, “expected”, “projected” or “modelled” - and many involve such deep dreaming, or ignorance of scientific facts and principles, that they are akin to nonsense.
He goes on to explain the mechanism where scientists are encouraged to look for anything supporting the theory, and then supplies a list of reasons why they are incorrect. If I change one person from believing in the fairyland view of man-made global warming wrecking the planet I will have done a good job as the governments, despite their huge media power, are liars. A few of us can see it, and even if the temperatures did go up a little (which is all they're actually saying might happen, nothing actually has yet remember) the winners would definitely outweigh the losers as change (as in 'what exactly is the world's correct climate?') is all we get. Some benefit, some lose. And being in a civilised country with uncivilised weather (14' or so at the end of May) I welcome it with open arms, except I'd be 175 before any of these supposed disasters would actually become apparent.
With Africans all tearing each other's guts out in Sudan, Rwanda and Zimbabwe (unless they've stopped recently) and famines in many where they aren't at the moment all the money they're ploughing into global warming propoganda and meetings they could probably have fed Africa for the forseeable future. That is the real cost, in what they could be spending the money on for people who are suffering right now. It is a truly tragic con, and one few people are prepared to work against, so it's the one exception in my programme of education as I am taxed and restricted by all this shite. We could have lower water bills in London, but our desalination plant was blocked by the Mayor to 'avoid global warming'. It's my money that's being stolen by these lying bastards so I will work on this crap as long as I can use a typewriter, and maybe one day someone will thank me for it.
Kingsbury day off
Pooh- who needs money...
I need rest or I won't be able to make any money if I'm not careful. Anyway, today was a free one from beginning to end, I started with blog entries and for both of you who wonder what I did by the end of the day, here it is.
My cleaner whizzed around in the background, I was stuck here and due to lack of English am unable to have more than a three word conversation with her, however much I'd like to (and maybe she would). Then it becomes a blur, as in what must have been a few more hours doing whatever I have to do on the internet, trying to get my Windows validated since the update said I had to, and also did another online/phone interview with a TV producer as I said.
I really don't remember leaving the room except to pee. I still have a pile of trivial nonsense to do such as a quiz involving predicting every detail of sport during the summer football holiday (besides the world cup, which in 2002 which is the only one I ever won on placing with the final winning position). So long at the computer and only just started what I had to do. Anyway, 8pm (TV time) seemed to arrive suddenly and by 10pm after my father had arrived to pick up some articles I'd run off for him I was back here again.
I was going for a walk at 11 until an expert on the bible was on the radio till midnight, and I learnt quite a lot, taking a reduced walk and filling in the main colours on my painting (as promised) before returning here. The bottom line though is how I feel, and whatever the details it felt like a good day. There were a few little phone calls as usual but so trivial not worth mentioning in detail. If the cat could talk she'd provide a better conversation than most. Using the facilities available becomes an art in itself. There's no point saying 'if' I had x y or z, as I don't. I can be elsewhere but I can't get any more than I have by choice. So as 'here' is better than most places I remain here and know enough people who would come here if they had the chance. The few friends I used to visit are long gone one way or another or I'd do that as well, but that's the way things are so I stay here.
On my personal speculation (anyone remember Crossroads, which kept me watching most of my life to find out what happens next) I've realised finding the details of my friend's email why he is staying in America will be so disappointing and depressing I may as well never know. He won't be coming back, I know that, so that's it. Being told why, and it won't be before 4,6 or 8 years won't be any better. So I've decided to forget the business and not care the fact each day the promised email doesn't arrive and why.
So, God or the angels aren't going to drop a female companion in my lap, my luck isn't good or bad as such a concept is false, and anything I'd like to shift to free up my pleasure in life won't just because I'd like it to. In business and academia I knew how much I could control my fate, and then realised the opposite to be the case for pleasure. Sure I can be like God creating a constant stream of work, writing, painting, music, photos, etc, but without someone with me I'm like a robot manufacturer just making things as I'm programmed to, but not able to mix with anyone most of the time. I do my best never to look back and know I've wasted time as I appreciate it too much. I know how to waste a week or year by letting myself drift, and that's not going to happen. I do what I can, and the rest is outside my control. But how I'd like for just one thing to shift, whatever that was.
I'd assume my life would shift a gear if:
One of the hundreds of desirable single women I knew decided I was good enough for them.
Whatever secrets the governments have about aliens/related subjects leaked out.
I had an income guaranteed long term (including working from home for an employer).
I was invited to move in with friends or family (and my cat).
I had one of those irreversible meditation experiences.
I could switch my aura vision on at will.
I found someone to pay me to write.
I could get the £400,000 extra to buy our old house which is for sale after 13 years.
I found there was life in other dimensions.
I could have out of body experiences.
I'll stick this on Funtrivia now and see what other people would wish for.
I need rest or I won't be able to make any money if I'm not careful. Anyway, today was a free one from beginning to end, I started with blog entries and for both of you who wonder what I did by the end of the day, here it is.
My cleaner whizzed around in the background, I was stuck here and due to lack of English am unable to have more than a three word conversation with her, however much I'd like to (and maybe she would). Then it becomes a blur, as in what must have been a few more hours doing whatever I have to do on the internet, trying to get my Windows validated since the update said I had to, and also did another online/phone interview with a TV producer as I said.
I really don't remember leaving the room except to pee. I still have a pile of trivial nonsense to do such as a quiz involving predicting every detail of sport during the summer football holiday (besides the world cup, which in 2002 which is the only one I ever won on placing with the final winning position). So long at the computer and only just started what I had to do. Anyway, 8pm (TV time) seemed to arrive suddenly and by 10pm after my father had arrived to pick up some articles I'd run off for him I was back here again.
I was going for a walk at 11 until an expert on the bible was on the radio till midnight, and I learnt quite a lot, taking a reduced walk and filling in the main colours on my painting (as promised) before returning here. The bottom line though is how I feel, and whatever the details it felt like a good day. There were a few little phone calls as usual but so trivial not worth mentioning in detail. If the cat could talk she'd provide a better conversation than most. Using the facilities available becomes an art in itself. There's no point saying 'if' I had x y or z, as I don't. I can be elsewhere but I can't get any more than I have by choice. So as 'here' is better than most places I remain here and know enough people who would come here if they had the chance. The few friends I used to visit are long gone one way or another or I'd do that as well, but that's the way things are so I stay here.
On my personal speculation (anyone remember Crossroads, which kept me watching most of my life to find out what happens next) I've realised finding the details of my friend's email why he is staying in America will be so disappointing and depressing I may as well never know. He won't be coming back, I know that, so that's it. Being told why, and it won't be before 4,6 or 8 years won't be any better. So I've decided to forget the business and not care the fact each day the promised email doesn't arrive and why.
So, God or the angels aren't going to drop a female companion in my lap, my luck isn't good or bad as such a concept is false, and anything I'd like to shift to free up my pleasure in life won't just because I'd like it to. In business and academia I knew how much I could control my fate, and then realised the opposite to be the case for pleasure. Sure I can be like God creating a constant stream of work, writing, painting, music, photos, etc, but without someone with me I'm like a robot manufacturer just making things as I'm programmed to, but not able to mix with anyone most of the time. I do my best never to look back and know I've wasted time as I appreciate it too much. I know how to waste a week or year by letting myself drift, and that's not going to happen. I do what I can, and the rest is outside my control. But how I'd like for just one thing to shift, whatever that was.
I'd assume my life would shift a gear if:
One of the hundreds of desirable single women I knew decided I was good enough for them.
Whatever secrets the governments have about aliens/related subjects leaked out.
I had an income guaranteed long term (including working from home for an employer).
I was invited to move in with friends or family (and my cat).
I had one of those irreversible meditation experiences.
I could switch my aura vision on at will.
I found someone to pay me to write.
I could get the £400,000 extra to buy our old house which is for sale after 13 years.
I found there was life in other dimensions.
I could have out of body experiences.
I'll stick this on Funtrivia now and see what other people would wish for.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Not the news
Speculation is truly the disease of uncertainty. When you have little happening you speculate on the few things that might happen (eg global warming). So the slightest chance I may have with a woman I prefer to think about that, despite no real action, rather than look at the desert in front of me. News relies on this weakness. When there isn't much they search around for stories about 2012, global warming in 2100, men turning into women from contraceptives in the water etc etc., which are not only not news, but a sign of mental retardation if accepted. Besides the other set of pointless surveys- 'People crossing roads less carefully than they did in 1965', 'Women prefer a Mars bar to a blow job' etc., we are bombarded by the media by irrelevance masquerading as important facts. Trust me, there's more substance in a post in my blog than any of that shite. I have no requirement to fill time or pages, and needn't write at all if there's nothing to say. They have, and would prefer to distract the public with stories about badly behaved children than lose any money on sales. On TV they have alternatives so if the news was thin they could cut it by 5 minutes. No one would even notice. The newspapers could have more of a magazine format with fiction and educational features which are far more interesting, and restrict actual news to whichever really happened instead of inventing it. The trouble with that is Mr and Mrs average IQ actually treat it all as equal, and say things like 'Isn't it terrible how many sausages people eat in Newcastle' or whatever nonsense arrives on their doorstep pretending to be news. There's clearly so little discrimination between real and ersatz news otherwise the papers could never get away with including the fluff which takes over a higher and higher proprtion of the paper each year. And since Murdoch bought it, in the Times as well.
As I'm on the subject, why Iraq? I mean by that, like Northern Ireland the forces are occupying an area to stop (or in Iraq's case encourage?) terrorism. OK, Northern Ireland is a foreign land really, at least inaccessible from Britain as much as any other country abroad. We had 30 years of that every day on the news which was as much value as the lottery results in Tuvalu. But slightly less exciting. Now we have headlines every time a fucking bullet or grenade goes off in Iraq. Why? It's thousands of miles further than Ireland, and surely only the Iraqis are concerned and affected by it. I'm not. And sorry guys, I'm really not interested. Just because, with many other countries, our troops are there it's still not my concern. Petrol prices, however, are. Road charging, criminal gangs from abroad, asylum seekers being given benefit as we won't let them work, these all affect me. Only the Daily Mail appears to consider them news, besides probably the Express. Blair and Murdoch have quietly agreed to gloss over any real shit happening on our doorsteps and fill the papers with anything else to distract the morons from the real issues at home. You don't even need brains to see the difference, but so few people do. I'd call it brainwashing but clearly the people who fall for it all have no brains to wash.
As I'm on the subject, why Iraq? I mean by that, like Northern Ireland the forces are occupying an area to stop (or in Iraq's case encourage?) terrorism. OK, Northern Ireland is a foreign land really, at least inaccessible from Britain as much as any other country abroad. We had 30 years of that every day on the news which was as much value as the lottery results in Tuvalu. But slightly less exciting. Now we have headlines every time a fucking bullet or grenade goes off in Iraq. Why? It's thousands of miles further than Ireland, and surely only the Iraqis are concerned and affected by it. I'm not. And sorry guys, I'm really not interested. Just because, with many other countries, our troops are there it's still not my concern. Petrol prices, however, are. Road charging, criminal gangs from abroad, asylum seekers being given benefit as we won't let them work, these all affect me. Only the Daily Mail appears to consider them news, besides probably the Express. Blair and Murdoch have quietly agreed to gloss over any real shit happening on our doorsteps and fill the papers with anything else to distract the morons from the real issues at home. You don't even need brains to see the difference, but so few people do. I'd call it brainwashing but clearly the people who fall for it all have no brains to wash.
Early entry
Arriving here before I actually do anything else (listening to a radio archive before it's removed tomorrow is a good excuse), there's plenty to do from a list of nice things for a change, plus the chance of a not so nice which I'll ignore for the moment.
Looking back over the last 4 weeks I'm pleased with myself. Apart from a successful car purchase and sale, I've had more work than usual, sold a painting, done plenty of gardening for two gardens, renewed my annual professional accreditation, got all my shopping done, spent a day on an alien abductee regression (including meal breaks!), and of course spent many hours in the gym. So I shouldn't feel guilty or imagine I can't do much as I seem to have done regardless.
I can do without any stress though. I'm still pretty tired a lot of the time, though as long as it's only tiredness I think my health won't be so much in question. It would seem if I just took a week off, no work, shopping, going anywhere or doing anything I reckon most of the tiredness would go, and that's pencilled in if I need it rather than a blood test (which option would you prefer?). I honestly believe if my health rethurned I'd accept a lot more and certainly expect a lot less from life as apart from the regularly reported creative work done by people forced to stay at home, I really need to rely on my body again. Whether it's looking for trouble or not I'll find out, but I've just found the dedicated anxiety forum, which will either reinforce my attitudes or feel normal regardless of them. I will see.
Waiting for anything uncertain uses up a lot of concern. Making a profit is so rare for me that any hint a profit may be possible in the pleasure area, and then knowing there's an indefinite wait not to get the profit, but find out if it's even possible. If that's hope there isn't a lot really. I repeat my own knowledge of the pleasure market puts the current chance at 5%, though current clues appear to raise it I won't be distracted by false signals, which almost lost me my career once... Well it could have done...
In America, as I've discovered, when a woman is friendly at least half the time she's coming on to you, and usually does, just as a man does. If I lived there I'd have been married by 26 as the women there act like human beings. In general that is. It shows it's not me, but the fucking cultural deficiencies of Queen Victoria's Britain (far more alive than the spirit of Jesus), where if a woman here is nice to you they want something. Bloody stupid really. So not only have I had to learn one lot of false signals, but realise they only apply to certain people. Talk about needing a degree in communications.
I really wonder if my friend in Florida reads this. The value he put on my wishes clearly dropped away with distance, why tell me he's going to read the judgement on a specific day and then disappear? That's not cricket, and just because he's no longer in England shouldn't stop him playing by our rules. Fair play means sticking to what you start, and after plating cat and mouse since january, giving a specific final date for revelation 5 months late and then ignoring it is not fair or necessary. OK, I never say this to him, it would make no difference besides ruining the friendship, so what's the point? So I vent here and if he reads it I'd expect a reaction at least.
Looking back over the last 4 weeks I'm pleased with myself. Apart from a successful car purchase and sale, I've had more work than usual, sold a painting, done plenty of gardening for two gardens, renewed my annual professional accreditation, got all my shopping done, spent a day on an alien abductee regression (including meal breaks!), and of course spent many hours in the gym. So I shouldn't feel guilty or imagine I can't do much as I seem to have done regardless.
I can do without any stress though. I'm still pretty tired a lot of the time, though as long as it's only tiredness I think my health won't be so much in question. It would seem if I just took a week off, no work, shopping, going anywhere or doing anything I reckon most of the tiredness would go, and that's pencilled in if I need it rather than a blood test (which option would you prefer?). I honestly believe if my health rethurned I'd accept a lot more and certainly expect a lot less from life as apart from the regularly reported creative work done by people forced to stay at home, I really need to rely on my body again. Whether it's looking for trouble or not I'll find out, but I've just found the dedicated anxiety forum, which will either reinforce my attitudes or feel normal regardless of them. I will see.
Waiting for anything uncertain uses up a lot of concern. Making a profit is so rare for me that any hint a profit may be possible in the pleasure area, and then knowing there's an indefinite wait not to get the profit, but find out if it's even possible. If that's hope there isn't a lot really. I repeat my own knowledge of the pleasure market puts the current chance at 5%, though current clues appear to raise it I won't be distracted by false signals, which almost lost me my career once... Well it could have done...
In America, as I've discovered, when a woman is friendly at least half the time she's coming on to you, and usually does, just as a man does. If I lived there I'd have been married by 26 as the women there act like human beings. In general that is. It shows it's not me, but the fucking cultural deficiencies of Queen Victoria's Britain (far more alive than the spirit of Jesus), where if a woman here is nice to you they want something. Bloody stupid really. So not only have I had to learn one lot of false signals, but realise they only apply to certain people. Talk about needing a degree in communications.
I really wonder if my friend in Florida reads this. The value he put on my wishes clearly dropped away with distance, why tell me he's going to read the judgement on a specific day and then disappear? That's not cricket, and just because he's no longer in England shouldn't stop him playing by our rules. Fair play means sticking to what you start, and after plating cat and mouse since january, giving a specific final date for revelation 5 months late and then ignoring it is not fair or necessary. OK, I never say this to him, it would make no difference besides ruining the friendship, so what's the point? So I vent here and if he reads it I'd expect a reaction at least.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Ideas and extremes
A few themes today. First and best being my obsession with an unattainable woman. One of the ones I mention from time to time at the gym, who has this site but I suspect has never read it, so I’ll take a risk. Watching her from a distance yesterday I could see the difference between the quality and everyone else. Anything with her would be the real thing, where doing everything with most women is like eating dry bread for lunch. It made the difference so perfectly clear I knew exactly what I had to wait for, probably for the rest of my life, and am alone now as I refused anyone well below the standard. What would be the point? I’d only look at other women just as I do now but wouldn’t be able to even try them. I was wondering why she hadn’t married her boyfriend and it was because he didn’t want to be tied down. My god! They have every other tie imaginable, but he still won’t make the final move. I would right now. Besides the looks she is totally different from all my previous targets, but in practice we seem to get on, which is the true test. I wouldn’t complain about all the obvious faults she must have as they don’t overweigh the good ones. I am now somehow going to get the rumour that I like her around the place so she hears it as if it came out by accident, like the government do. Why shouldn’t she know? It’s not as if I can lose any respect she already has for me, as we don’t choose who we like and I’m not married, or is she for that matter. If she was I wouldn’t even look at her. I learnt to become blind to married women after three attempts made minor inroads but each stopped well short of being unfaithful, though the first said she was leaving her husband before I made my move. She never did.
With no real woman in my life the only way I can remind myself what I’m missing is getting caught up with an imaginary scenario with a real woman, just like an imaginary friend but with qualities that are real and in another universe I may have got in there before the current boyfriend, assuming she wants someone 20 years older than her that is… I think every woman in the past who discovered I liked them from a distance avoided me like I had bird flu once they found out, and as I have nothing to lose from my current score of ‘nil’ may as well let the cat out of the bag after about 2 years of obsession and see if she looks at me in a funny way each time she sees me, or like the others gets out of the way altogether in total disgust. But that wouldn’t have been created by knowing as it would only demonstrate how she felt the whole time, she just would no longer be hiding it.
I have a knack of raising the most negative emotions in women I like, something I’ve done since I was about 12 and joined a mixed school. The ones I ignored or had as friends threw themselves at me, where I either accepted out of convenience or rejected, and whatever I did they followed me around. But once an interest is present they respond with a total hostility I’ve seen continually for over 30 years, with no more than a psychic cause. Just as when I connect my power supply with the wrong polarity, there’s nothing wrong with it or the appliance, they’re just connected backwards and need rewiring to be compatible. I can’t rewire women so how on earth can I rewire myself to give off the vibes I don’t care (equals success) when I do?
On a moral question (one I believe I have the answer to but wonder what others think), where a woman’s with a man but not married, are they not fair game for a man who would marry them? Or even not, as their current one clearly doesn’t really care enough? It happens all the time, but so many people still disapprove, often before it happens to them!
On a tenuously related topic I wondered what would happen if god forbid I became totally housebound? Some people are, and from my side I couldn’t care less if it did, I’d only be concerned about the health issue that caused it. I wouldn’t feel trapped there simply as a) I did all the things I want to already in the big wide world and though some were ok they weren’t such a big deal to miss them, and b) I have made my house such a centre of activity it would be difficult to get that bored as I have nearly anything besides a snooker table I would want to keep myself occupied for the rest of my life if necessary. There are enough housebound people and their friends are bound to sort themselves out into leavers and stayers, the stayers will get used to them and accept their situation, and see them as they would before. You don’t have to be 90 to be stuck indoors unfortunately, and so far I’ve escaped the worst clutches of my health problems, but wondered if it took over how my social life would be affected?
Of course with unlimited money I’d have my vast country estate complete with every facility including art and recording studios and heated pool. Like when I had a little snooker table many people would turn up at all hours, and not usually to see me. Luckily I am still relatively mobile but as the worst case scenario it’s better to formulate it in my mind so I needn’t worry about it happening as a reality. I reckon I’d be the least bothered, it would be the friends and relatives expecting me to turn up for their family funerals and celebrations who would feel they’d lost out (like they really needed me there) and that is squarely their problem not mine.
So today I’ve imagined a best and worst case scenario, where in reality I’m in between. As some mystics would say none matters as it’s all part of the dance and play of life, which is an illusion anyway. I’m only playing a part and in reality my awareness is all there is, everything else being within it for my own entertainment, until it stops being entertaining (which it did some time ago). That’s only the average, as the downs now easily outweigh the ups, but as there’s little reason for that to change (unless they find a way to fix me with no effort from either side) I will continue to look for other ways out.
With no real woman in my life the only way I can remind myself what I’m missing is getting caught up with an imaginary scenario with a real woman, just like an imaginary friend but with qualities that are real and in another universe I may have got in there before the current boyfriend, assuming she wants someone 20 years older than her that is… I think every woman in the past who discovered I liked them from a distance avoided me like I had bird flu once they found out, and as I have nothing to lose from my current score of ‘nil’ may as well let the cat out of the bag after about 2 years of obsession and see if she looks at me in a funny way each time she sees me, or like the others gets out of the way altogether in total disgust. But that wouldn’t have been created by knowing as it would only demonstrate how she felt the whole time, she just would no longer be hiding it.
I have a knack of raising the most negative emotions in women I like, something I’ve done since I was about 12 and joined a mixed school. The ones I ignored or had as friends threw themselves at me, where I either accepted out of convenience or rejected, and whatever I did they followed me around. But once an interest is present they respond with a total hostility I’ve seen continually for over 30 years, with no more than a psychic cause. Just as when I connect my power supply with the wrong polarity, there’s nothing wrong with it or the appliance, they’re just connected backwards and need rewiring to be compatible. I can’t rewire women so how on earth can I rewire myself to give off the vibes I don’t care (equals success) when I do?
On a moral question (one I believe I have the answer to but wonder what others think), where a woman’s with a man but not married, are they not fair game for a man who would marry them? Or even not, as their current one clearly doesn’t really care enough? It happens all the time, but so many people still disapprove, often before it happens to them!
On a tenuously related topic I wondered what would happen if god forbid I became totally housebound? Some people are, and from my side I couldn’t care less if it did, I’d only be concerned about the health issue that caused it. I wouldn’t feel trapped there simply as a) I did all the things I want to already in the big wide world and though some were ok they weren’t such a big deal to miss them, and b) I have made my house such a centre of activity it would be difficult to get that bored as I have nearly anything besides a snooker table I would want to keep myself occupied for the rest of my life if necessary. There are enough housebound people and their friends are bound to sort themselves out into leavers and stayers, the stayers will get used to them and accept their situation, and see them as they would before. You don’t have to be 90 to be stuck indoors unfortunately, and so far I’ve escaped the worst clutches of my health problems, but wondered if it took over how my social life would be affected?
Of course with unlimited money I’d have my vast country estate complete with every facility including art and recording studios and heated pool. Like when I had a little snooker table many people would turn up at all hours, and not usually to see me. Luckily I am still relatively mobile but as the worst case scenario it’s better to formulate it in my mind so I needn’t worry about it happening as a reality. I reckon I’d be the least bothered, it would be the friends and relatives expecting me to turn up for their family funerals and celebrations who would feel they’d lost out (like they really needed me there) and that is squarely their problem not mine.
So today I’ve imagined a best and worst case scenario, where in reality I’m in between. As some mystics would say none matters as it’s all part of the dance and play of life, which is an illusion anyway. I’m only playing a part and in reality my awareness is all there is, everything else being within it for my own entertainment, until it stops being entertaining (which it did some time ago). That’s only the average, as the downs now easily outweigh the ups, but as there’s little reason for that to change (unless they find a way to fix me with no effort from either side) I will continue to look for other ways out.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Hope and inspiration
With 101 jobs to do around the house on a free day before I go to the gym, I did 2 and came here instead. I've got a heck of a lot done in the last few weeks (clients, car sale and gardening to start with), which is mainly done now besides the ongoing gardening which I enjoy anyway. Apart from a £300 gas bill (hardly unusual but the second in a row almost which is unusual and down to a massive price rise) and the video predictably ignoring Neighbours which I set it to record yesterday it's a normal day and I slept right through last night, which may happen once every couple of months.
One other element that came from the hypnosis session on Thursday was another message spirits are real, as well as multiple parallel dimensions. The best indication is to have psychic surgery which uses both as is done by spirits and can't be done without using a form of parallel dimension to work inside from the outside, though there's more to it than that. There aren't many psychic surgeons around but as a reiki healer with a sheet of instructions I'd better be one myself which must be easier than looking for one. Meanwhile I sit here now looking at the new car outside, which is something of a great relief I found something not only as good, but so cheap after getting the latest bill. I've still never spent over £2000 on a car and never really got a dud one besides the one where the back half split off when I put it on a jack. But I got rid of it quick enough...
One benefit of placing my problems on paper/screen is I can organise them for answers. One majorly important conclusion was regarding my own sanity. It's been questioned more than once but now I realise the two answers. One, if you remove me from any claustrophobic situation I'm saner than most. That's a genetic oversensitivity to stress and can hardly be called insane if I want to avoid such situations unless my tablets protect me. Two is the nature of how my mind works isn't any form of social inadequacy. Having an affinity for other people and being unable to speak to them 99% of the time means I only make the most of what else I can do. It's what anyone else does when locked up only I'm technically not. But I don't talk to myself or have imaginary friends...
The current theme besides making the most of the freedom is the direction the uncontrollable parts will go, as I said the likeliest is nowhere. Certain areas may shift a little, such as TV appearances, but they clearly won't change my life till they leave the minor channels and arrive on the real ones. Women in fact have always come though the intervals between them increase as my age does. But they also go and always went whenever I wanted them to stay. Financially there is something likely eventually but that'll be far from making me rich and not even 100% certain. On the psychic side I can't imagine a thing happening as I've investigated as far as anyone without any resources can, and there's sod all beyond telepathy and clairvoyance which is at such a low level it's only useful to prove its existence but no practical use.
The only other element is meditation, the only tool to improve myself from inside, and that'll be a lifetime's mission whatever the results. I haven't done my formal one for months now but when I did it tailed off and didn't encourage me to carry on.
The only other element is outside causes, which are like being struck by lightning but in a good way. Like if one of the gorgeous women at the gym picked me up or aliens were announced on the news. Bollocks to all that... But sometimes dreams are the best it gets.
One other element that came from the hypnosis session on Thursday was another message spirits are real, as well as multiple parallel dimensions. The best indication is to have psychic surgery which uses both as is done by spirits and can't be done without using a form of parallel dimension to work inside from the outside, though there's more to it than that. There aren't many psychic surgeons around but as a reiki healer with a sheet of instructions I'd better be one myself which must be easier than looking for one. Meanwhile I sit here now looking at the new car outside, which is something of a great relief I found something not only as good, but so cheap after getting the latest bill. I've still never spent over £2000 on a car and never really got a dud one besides the one where the back half split off when I put it on a jack. But I got rid of it quick enough...
One benefit of placing my problems on paper/screen is I can organise them for answers. One majorly important conclusion was regarding my own sanity. It's been questioned more than once but now I realise the two answers. One, if you remove me from any claustrophobic situation I'm saner than most. That's a genetic oversensitivity to stress and can hardly be called insane if I want to avoid such situations unless my tablets protect me. Two is the nature of how my mind works isn't any form of social inadequacy. Having an affinity for other people and being unable to speak to them 99% of the time means I only make the most of what else I can do. It's what anyone else does when locked up only I'm technically not. But I don't talk to myself or have imaginary friends...
The current theme besides making the most of the freedom is the direction the uncontrollable parts will go, as I said the likeliest is nowhere. Certain areas may shift a little, such as TV appearances, but they clearly won't change my life till they leave the minor channels and arrive on the real ones. Women in fact have always come though the intervals between them increase as my age does. But they also go and always went whenever I wanted them to stay. Financially there is something likely eventually but that'll be far from making me rich and not even 100% certain. On the psychic side I can't imagine a thing happening as I've investigated as far as anyone without any resources can, and there's sod all beyond telepathy and clairvoyance which is at such a low level it's only useful to prove its existence but no practical use.
The only other element is meditation, the only tool to improve myself from inside, and that'll be a lifetime's mission whatever the results. I haven't done my formal one for months now but when I did it tailed off and didn't encourage me to carry on.
The only other element is outside causes, which are like being struck by lightning but in a good way. Like if one of the gorgeous women at the gym picked me up or aliens were announced on the news. Bollocks to all that... But sometimes dreams are the best it gets.
Friday, May 19, 2006
A pile of it
I have no idea. A clean slate having sorted the smooth swap between old and new cars, I could relax today and that's more or less what I did, plus an hour of gardening for my mum.
But despite having absolutely nothing to report, I was drawn here as if there was something destined to come out when I opened the little box. I wondered if it was lavatory stories of people pooing their pants when I was at primary school or a critique of the first day of big brother (I won't be drawn into writing about them here though), or something spiritual based on absolutely bugger all experience, besides another out of body dream last night. Also I'm learning not to repeat myself or state the obvious when I see I'm doing it as most people know the situation and don't need to be reminding.
So this is (as a woman just said on the radio) creating like God. See, the messages are out there, the second I paused she said creating with God. That's the possibility of a blank sheet. I have realised people will only want to learn when they ask you. Knowing the biggest ways of self improvement are wasted on everyone who thinks they're fine, and probably are. So I no longer try and teach unless asked to as no one actually cares if you think you can show them anything new.
Overall, I'm very slowly running out of time. I know there are so many variations ahead, as a flow diagram with percentage chances on each, and living exactly as I am is odds-on favourite. Plus the older I get the less reliable all my health becomes, so any woman (especially those with children already as so many do by now) would basically be getting another one with me, unless my strength eventually returns. Having the work shared must help though so the stress would be cut in half from day one. But though I see a partner as a person and not a route to activities I never even thought I'd care where a partner would and wouldn't go. I want a partner and all the rest really has nothing to do with it, as all the going out in the world are peaks and when you go back to the empty house you're back where you started. And as I said, as I've roughly stopped caring if I add to any of my old lists- countries, football, all the things I've added most of my life, and now started the creative ones- TV appearances, paintings and published work. No going out related now. No need. And many women may be bothered by that though to me every woman I'd ever liked was enough in herself for me, with no interest where else they wanted to go.
Well, I see I've rehashed many old ideas in a different way, but unless life changes somehow for the better I'd be pushed to drag anything new into the picture. It's becoming a mystery how someone I know can have a plan of action, tell me the schedule and then drop it. It's as if he's not bothered and just too busy to stick to what he said, which shows a bit about focusing on what's around and not what's elsewhere. The plans appeared to be made already when the promise was made so I see little else as a reason besides not seeing it as important as I do, which of course to him it isn't as he chose to leave and chose not to come back, I'm the only one who actually is bothered about it. Case closed. Meanwhile a new friend has just gone away for a couple of months, to an internet free zone. Whether she will find it from time to time I do not know, but when you're paying a couple of Euros an hour you don't waste time reading people's blogs. I am left with the serious pains in the arse who are more like listening to interference on a radio than a programme and would rather turn the radio off. My father says as I'm nice to them (or in a few cases have sex) they hook on to me as so few other people can bear them. When they were in the background to real friends they were just an irritation. Now they indicate the social life has altered to mirror the love life, ie third best.
So, I see a pile of what I write every other day above this line, but I can't write fiction. With no one to talk to this is what I do instead. And the worry is this will go on for the rest of my life, as there's little reason why it won't and certainly nothing I can do about it (I have done every possible thing to try). Poor excuse for repetition but the only one I have. Like waiting for the end of a drough which may never happen. I'm not the only one, I meet more and more, and it's the most natural reaction to it.
But despite having absolutely nothing to report, I was drawn here as if there was something destined to come out when I opened the little box. I wondered if it was lavatory stories of people pooing their pants when I was at primary school or a critique of the first day of big brother (I won't be drawn into writing about them here though), or something spiritual based on absolutely bugger all experience, besides another out of body dream last night. Also I'm learning not to repeat myself or state the obvious when I see I'm doing it as most people know the situation and don't need to be reminding.
So this is (as a woman just said on the radio) creating like God. See, the messages are out there, the second I paused she said creating with God. That's the possibility of a blank sheet. I have realised people will only want to learn when they ask you. Knowing the biggest ways of self improvement are wasted on everyone who thinks they're fine, and probably are. So I no longer try and teach unless asked to as no one actually cares if you think you can show them anything new.
Overall, I'm very slowly running out of time. I know there are so many variations ahead, as a flow diagram with percentage chances on each, and living exactly as I am is odds-on favourite. Plus the older I get the less reliable all my health becomes, so any woman (especially those with children already as so many do by now) would basically be getting another one with me, unless my strength eventually returns. Having the work shared must help though so the stress would be cut in half from day one. But though I see a partner as a person and not a route to activities I never even thought I'd care where a partner would and wouldn't go. I want a partner and all the rest really has nothing to do with it, as all the going out in the world are peaks and when you go back to the empty house you're back where you started. And as I said, as I've roughly stopped caring if I add to any of my old lists- countries, football, all the things I've added most of my life, and now started the creative ones- TV appearances, paintings and published work. No going out related now. No need. And many women may be bothered by that though to me every woman I'd ever liked was enough in herself for me, with no interest where else they wanted to go.
Well, I see I've rehashed many old ideas in a different way, but unless life changes somehow for the better I'd be pushed to drag anything new into the picture. It's becoming a mystery how someone I know can have a plan of action, tell me the schedule and then drop it. It's as if he's not bothered and just too busy to stick to what he said, which shows a bit about focusing on what's around and not what's elsewhere. The plans appeared to be made already when the promise was made so I see little else as a reason besides not seeing it as important as I do, which of course to him it isn't as he chose to leave and chose not to come back, I'm the only one who actually is bothered about it. Case closed. Meanwhile a new friend has just gone away for a couple of months, to an internet free zone. Whether she will find it from time to time I do not know, but when you're paying a couple of Euros an hour you don't waste time reading people's blogs. I am left with the serious pains in the arse who are more like listening to interference on a radio than a programme and would rather turn the radio off. My father says as I'm nice to them (or in a few cases have sex) they hook on to me as so few other people can bear them. When they were in the background to real friends they were just an irritation. Now they indicate the social life has altered to mirror the love life, ie third best.
So, I see a pile of what I write every other day above this line, but I can't write fiction. With no one to talk to this is what I do instead. And the worry is this will go on for the rest of my life, as there's little reason why it won't and certainly nothing I can do about it (I have done every possible thing to try). Poor excuse for repetition but the only one I have. Like waiting for the end of a drough which may never happen. I'm not the only one, I meet more and more, and it's the most natural reaction to it.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
TV stars
After our recent TV appearance on Discovery Science, on 'Ten ways to be abducted by an alien', the cast are reunited at my house for some more investigations.
Known
Wednesday has merged into Thursday by 15 minutes, and I've had two pretty active days for a change. Yesterday I picked up the new car over the river in Surrey, took it to Waitrose (only us southern Brits will know that one so tough!) and then went to the gym. Four visits in four days is good, as it's near my Dad and means I can't go as often as I'd like to, but cheaper and easier to park than our local places plus it has plenty of other facilities. I've been going 3 1/2 years now and half my efforts are showing, which makes me wonder where the other half have gone.
Today was a bit of work in the afternoon, grandma, and then picking up car 2 from Surrey after my Dad collected me from home as I drove one car back last night leaving the other outside his house for today. The old one is going to its new home (god willing) tomorrow and had served me very well for 7 1/2 years, never going wrong. It was cleaned and valeted by me before I left and looks pretty good for 13.
Tomorrow is a fourth abduction session to communicate with our alien brothers through my subject who appeared on TV with me. As usual I'll report it here for those that are interested and everyone else!
There is little or no gossip otherwise at the moment. I've been getting on with business a little more than usual, which makes me feel a bit less inadequate for not being able to have a real job (like I could help it). The house is relatively tidy, the rain's stopped me doing anything in the garden (besides the stolen shears) and for a change the kitchen's almost stocked up (thanks to Waitrose).
Making routine life into a report has beaten many writers and bloggers, but I know from reading that once I know someone online and fond them interesting they don't have to do anything unusual to be interesting. Like me, readers can wonder if the relative lack of excitement can last, and will various issues on the system ever happen, especially the long-awaited bad news email that is now gathering such a thick layer of dust it'll soon need a restorer before it can be read. It's only about closure. Like when someone dies and you don't know why. It can't bring them back but most people would rather know why. Gruesome stuff but how human minds are designed and allows us to carry on learning, otherwise we'd never bother to find anything out unless we could use the answer in a practical way. Information for its own sake is a human quality and one all quiz players will be very familiar with.
Just for fun I listed every possible result in a little diagram. It includes 'no answer' (as in not mentioned in email) which is evens favourite. Then the new visas were granted so mustn't be wasted, the business can't be left to be run by anyone else, and it's not worth messing up the kid's education, all equally likely. The actual effect is the same, but having given a date for the post mortem (May 2nd) my curiosity was naturally awoken, and my curiosity is naturally the size of Wales which is what makes me such a geek at times (and proud of it). If the person is reading this I'll no doubt get an extra comment, but I doubt he has time.
For a rare moment all I have to do online are work related (plus a very complicated sports quiz I was sent which is almost work as there are prizes), but no actual surfing left to do. All my emails have been replied to and forums checked, plus I'm in a global challenge quiz which boosts your level more by quantity than anything else, though unless you keep about 85% correct you won't get very far. Having no one to talk to full-time means I would usually want to do that now, and have to think of other things as it's not quite bedtime. Eating used to be the next option and I got a 36" waist as a result. So that's verboten as I had tea and biscuits at 11pm. Just a view of life here alone, when the day's almost over and there's nothing special to do. In the past I'd meditate but I'd fall asleep if I try now so will put that on the system for the next time. I have also started on my second commissioned painting today, I may do that for a while, good idea.
Today was a bit of work in the afternoon, grandma, and then picking up car 2 from Surrey after my Dad collected me from home as I drove one car back last night leaving the other outside his house for today. The old one is going to its new home (god willing) tomorrow and had served me very well for 7 1/2 years, never going wrong. It was cleaned and valeted by me before I left and looks pretty good for 13.
Tomorrow is a fourth abduction session to communicate with our alien brothers through my subject who appeared on TV with me. As usual I'll report it here for those that are interested and everyone else!
There is little or no gossip otherwise at the moment. I've been getting on with business a little more than usual, which makes me feel a bit less inadequate for not being able to have a real job (like I could help it). The house is relatively tidy, the rain's stopped me doing anything in the garden (besides the stolen shears) and for a change the kitchen's almost stocked up (thanks to Waitrose).
Making routine life into a report has beaten many writers and bloggers, but I know from reading that once I know someone online and fond them interesting they don't have to do anything unusual to be interesting. Like me, readers can wonder if the relative lack of excitement can last, and will various issues on the system ever happen, especially the long-awaited bad news email that is now gathering such a thick layer of dust it'll soon need a restorer before it can be read. It's only about closure. Like when someone dies and you don't know why. It can't bring them back but most people would rather know why. Gruesome stuff but how human minds are designed and allows us to carry on learning, otherwise we'd never bother to find anything out unless we could use the answer in a practical way. Information for its own sake is a human quality and one all quiz players will be very familiar with.
Just for fun I listed every possible result in a little diagram. It includes 'no answer' (as in not mentioned in email) which is evens favourite. Then the new visas were granted so mustn't be wasted, the business can't be left to be run by anyone else, and it's not worth messing up the kid's education, all equally likely. The actual effect is the same, but having given a date for the post mortem (May 2nd) my curiosity was naturally awoken, and my curiosity is naturally the size of Wales which is what makes me such a geek at times (and proud of it). If the person is reading this I'll no doubt get an extra comment, but I doubt he has time.
For a rare moment all I have to do online are work related (plus a very complicated sports quiz I was sent which is almost work as there are prizes), but no actual surfing left to do. All my emails have been replied to and forums checked, plus I'm in a global challenge quiz which boosts your level more by quantity than anything else, though unless you keep about 85% correct you won't get very far. Having no one to talk to full-time means I would usually want to do that now, and have to think of other things as it's not quite bedtime. Eating used to be the next option and I got a 36" waist as a result. So that's verboten as I had tea and biscuits at 11pm. Just a view of life here alone, when the day's almost over and there's nothing special to do. In the past I'd meditate but I'd fall asleep if I try now so will put that on the system for the next time. I have also started on my second commissioned painting today, I may do that for a while, good idea.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Unknown
Unknown, today's topic. I've got a bit of free time and came straight here like a dog to a lamp post. I can say I've just bought a new car which I'm going to collect later (well, it's 7 years old but new for me), otherwise unknown. The magic point is known, but as I said how to get it back isn't. Knowing your prison's layout is interesting but doesn't mean you can escape. But I think for most people who have lost it without a trauma it should come and go as it pleases like it does for everyone else. It's a trauma which cuts you off from it and how you undo that lot is pure luck in my experience. Time doesn't help much, the inner switch is virtually immune to that as it's stuck in the off position and needs another even to turn it back. I don't even know if the darn things can be turned back either...
On a more cheerful note, the email reply rate is a lot better than usual at the moment, another of those phases which seems to have no reason for it but happens anyway. There is really only one realistic thing to look forward to, but at an unknown time with a 5% success rate, but more than usual really. Meanwhile I'll see if I can inspire myself or anyone else to hook into the stream of magic, and how to lift the barrier to it.
It certainly didn't change how I felt knowing the formula. Or Sharon. It's similar to knowing we'd feel better sharing a house with family or a partner. But the one difference is there's no requirement on others to return the magic. The barrier's inside and needs to be opened, and what does that is a mystery to me.
But one clue is I always believed that if I knew there was another dimension with people also living in it and we could interact with it would solve many of my problems. It would mean at least I was never alone as they would always be around us. And we could also escape by visiting their side if we learnt how. Plus we are told they have far superior abilities to us, and may be able to help us with some of our problems which are almost insoluble here. All the best children's stories like Narnia, Tom's midnight garden and Harry Potter involve parallel worlds children (why only children?) can walk into and back from wherever they are without the need for airports or train tickets. Technically though many books have been written on exactly such experiences here (usually one offs) there's nothing to indicate they're real, and no references to doorways otherwise the whole world would be queueing up to go through.
Out of body experiences get you there as well, and at least with them they work on this level as people report accurately what's going on where they're not. But once they leave earth who knows whether anywhere they go is real?
One thing I can be congratulated for is going to bed and getting up early, it proves it can be done. Only an hour or two this time, but I intend to keep it up. I can go on the computer just as easily when I get up as before I go to bed.
Finally, though I hardly remember it, I keep notes anyway, I had a dream where I clearly ehard a voice telling me to only take notice of what's going on in the present. It's what most teach anyhow but unlike most sounds in dreams which are more telepathic thought types, this was a clear loud voice reminding me what I need to do. That means guessing what this week will be like, let alone caring, is out. All there is is sitting here typing on the computer. A simple but disciplined method as how long can you normally keep looking at the present without your mind wandering ahead? And believe me there's no need to. It's a waste of energy as it can't make the future be any different if we imagine it ahead. I've tested that one to the limits.
More when the inspiration comes to me...
On a more cheerful note, the email reply rate is a lot better than usual at the moment, another of those phases which seems to have no reason for it but happens anyway. There is really only one realistic thing to look forward to, but at an unknown time with a 5% success rate, but more than usual really. Meanwhile I'll see if I can inspire myself or anyone else to hook into the stream of magic, and how to lift the barrier to it.
It certainly didn't change how I felt knowing the formula. Or Sharon. It's similar to knowing we'd feel better sharing a house with family or a partner. But the one difference is there's no requirement on others to return the magic. The barrier's inside and needs to be opened, and what does that is a mystery to me.
But one clue is I always believed that if I knew there was another dimension with people also living in it and we could interact with it would solve many of my problems. It would mean at least I was never alone as they would always be around us. And we could also escape by visiting their side if we learnt how. Plus we are told they have far superior abilities to us, and may be able to help us with some of our problems which are almost insoluble here. All the best children's stories like Narnia, Tom's midnight garden and Harry Potter involve parallel worlds children (why only children?) can walk into and back from wherever they are without the need for airports or train tickets. Technically though many books have been written on exactly such experiences here (usually one offs) there's nothing to indicate they're real, and no references to doorways otherwise the whole world would be queueing up to go through.
Out of body experiences get you there as well, and at least with them they work on this level as people report accurately what's going on where they're not. But once they leave earth who knows whether anywhere they go is real?
One thing I can be congratulated for is going to bed and getting up early, it proves it can be done. Only an hour or two this time, but I intend to keep it up. I can go on the computer just as easily when I get up as before I go to bed.
Finally, though I hardly remember it, I keep notes anyway, I had a dream where I clearly ehard a voice telling me to only take notice of what's going on in the present. It's what most teach anyhow but unlike most sounds in dreams which are more telepathic thought types, this was a clear loud voice reminding me what I need to do. That means guessing what this week will be like, let alone caring, is out. All there is is sitting here typing on the computer. A simple but disciplined method as how long can you normally keep looking at the present without your mind wandering ahead? And believe me there's no need to. It's a waste of energy as it can't make the future be any different if we imagine it ahead. I've tested that one to the limits.
More when the inspiration comes to me...
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