End of another week

Quite a lot of activity in the last few days actually, my sunglasses came after a week and I got some cracking photos over the road there on my flickr link. The sunglasses look pretty good and besides not having the reading portion I'd wear them all the time. I then was told the TV programme I missed on the 2nd will be on on the 21st so the people who are meant to send me the video are redundant now. Technically if 20,000 average watch each programme each repeat will add that many more. Plus the three I tell who can actually get Sky.
Tescos are a total bunch of wankers. A week or so after asking where my CD was they said they'd cancelled the order without telling me. I found the track on itunes for 79p and burned the damn thing myself. Stupid bastards. So the main item on my list is guaranteed now, seeing my programme. Besides sex and the supernatural getting on TV has to be the biggest buzz in my life. These tapes are kept indefinitely and my grandpa who died in 1998 was on TV yet again at Christmas in a film they show nearly every year which is older than me. Now had I swore or farted in my programme and they kept it it could be on an out take show for the next 20 years.

Few other immediate plans but so much done already it's hard to think of more. I saw a doctor friend this evening who got me eardrops, which should start tomorrow. Just a simple ear infection we hope and a simple treatment. The TV programme next week coincides with the football at the YMCA but I asked if they could show it in the gym so all the staff could see me. As long as I turn up and ask nicely it's a 50-50 chance though the sunday trainer is one of the nicest ones. So nice I'd marry her actually, she's probably about 22 but that would only put her off not me. Too much of my material is fantasy for my liking. We all want more but most is impossible or unlikely. Instead we get reality and much of that is recycled old junk. And apparently I need a haircut already.
Of course there are many new photos planned, the last were similar to old ones but quite unique. I hope some of the places I find round Wembley are different as they are all ones I've never seen before, and more of the M1 with the railway alongside it. You can't photograph BR trains as they go too fast, you'd just see a blur unless you had an SLR and special film. Plus they run so rarely I'd have to wait 15 minutes and they are gone in a second. The one I took had stopped for maintenance or a red signal otherwise it could never have happened. Unless I donned my anorak and waited at a platform for a train to arrive. I have done that in the past but not on the digital.

I did say goodbye to my computer today after 3 years, the ethernet, floppy drive and now outlook express are well and truly fucked and the new one on Monday will be 4 times faster. Hopefully more reliable with a new Windows and Intel chip as opposed to the AMD nasty copy and replica Windows XP, as I discovered after it arrived home. That's all behind me now anyway. Well, little else to report, no women short or medium turn as far as I know, sod all work and little else. Unknown doesn't mean impossible though so we will see.

Time stands still

How two days can be so different. Yesterday was a rare success as not only did the local library service accept my book of photos they paid me to buy a new one for myself. Makes a change. I took loads of pictures on the way back and posted 22 on flickr. The ear infection finally started improving in the evening, though I know as long as it's there it'll swing back and forth, but this was the first time I felt better and the pressure went so my stubborn determination to beat it without medical treatment may win despite the majority's disbelief. I really see it as a personal challenge and presumably most people in the 3rd world can't get treatment for these common things and don't die or become seriously ill either as a result. We assume there is only one way of doing things just because we are taught there is but sometimes we have to challenge the assumptions, and I've always been the first to do so.

So the anticlimax today when my earache returned and then the neighbour demanded my presence for his accounts only to call and tell me to wait an hour or so as he was going shopping. I knew it would take longer and it's been over 2 hours already and I have someone coming over later. I can't do a thing here in case he calls except piss around and blogging has been described as the ultimate pissing around by some though I disagree. With idle time and mind I'll review some of the recent possibilities.

The older woman is metaphorically dead and buried, my latest hint got the reply about age differences but I'm past caring now. The next called me but decided not to visit (this time) though I wasn't feeling 100% yesterday so probably better that way. The third is still in touch but is the longest haul of any woman I've actually started to see, and the fourth said she'd call when she had some time to meet me for the first time and I trust her.
Postally my glasses are overdue (how they expected them to be here today after ordering them Monday I don't know), I emailed Tesco to say my CD hadn't arrived and the auto response said they are snowed under (I wonder why...), my photo book is due tomorrow or Friday so I'll be woken up again, and the computer is due to be replaced over the weekend. And most important of all I'm still waiting for my video of the TV appearance, promised this week. Quite a bit set up, though right now am in the eye of the storm and instead of peace it's boredom plus apprehension of the stultifying work ahead, if he gets back in time to do it today. Apart from some filing I don't even know why he didn't bring the work here as I can do it all on the computer but who the hell can read his mind.

The blog list I added has a few thousand blogs and mine was around 70-90th and then the number disappeared altogether. Besides not believing my blog was in the top few percent with 10 hits a day the whole system seems to have failed now. Presumably by voting for me, which is working, it may be repaired, though the stupid sods don't prevent voting for your own blog (so easy to stop) but I won't cheat. Well it's 50-50 whether I'll be able to do the accounts today and I'm busy tomorrow so bugger it. But if I put the kettle on or start any sort of housework he'll arrive so it's a totally trapped situation like a bloody prisoner. I can't turn down work, I only have 1 client and that's a discount so can't pick and choose. Admittedly if my ear was OK I'd be far happier but the fact it improved so much last night proves it can. I appear to be on a bit of a mission to test life's boundaries and that includes ignoring advice as your own intuition (with many years of experience added) tends to know better.

Funny, if I look elsewhere for answers I rarely find them, when I stop needing to I get lots but not the right ones. Life sucks at times...

Opposite day

Who remembers opposite day in Seinfeld when George had been doing so badly he decided to do the exact opposite of everything and it did actually work? Well I'm in a life where every day is the opposite day to everyone else, as I've been reminded recently. I've had a job once, such a long time ago, but only part time. Due to a 3 year college course I couldn't work full time throughout then and the last 'real job' I had was in 1989. I still worked after that but part time was all I found after 2 years searching. I've paid my bills regardless but of course some people disapprove. What harm am I doing? None. Probably jealousy in many cases as they wish they could do that as well.

Why everyone should have jobs, especially when there aren't enough for everyone, is a joke. Of course no one needs to work 40 hours a week now, if we all did 3 days a week even I could find something as I could apply for everything instead of jobs only women with kids take after they start school. I got mine through friends or simply walking in places and asking. Rarely the usual ways. When the final effort lasted a week the time came to change direction and I studied for more qualifications since, and at least am now able to earn fairly well for the few hours I do get, as much as I did for a day in my last real job. So not so silly after all maybe.

This week has an unusal number of projects that may bear fruit. My TV programme video is due, my sunglasses will arrive, and I have a few likely visitors. And where I'm an opposite other people follow my route and accept it. OK, so far the candidates have been as rough as they come in various ways, but somehow it has to happen eventually. My American friends are so uninhibited compared to this lot but unfortunately not here. But the years I wasn't working my family took the benefit with endless trips to supermarkets and hospitals which I couldn't have done if I had a job and there's no one else in the family really. Explain that to the disapproving DSS staff who told me a sick person could start a part time job and then find they could easily do full time. Like we could win the ashes this year. Different universes apparently and they inhabit one occupied by fairies. They ought to go to one of the healing services and make everyone get out of their wheelchairs and walk. They are told to do this by their superiors and are not the slightest bit bothered whether they believe a word of it, they just want people off the dole and by suggesting the lame can walk and the blind can see apparently they think they can con people to take jobs they are physically and mentally incapable of doing. And people wonder why I complain when I have to hear this shit from our government representatives knowing their true plans.

It is clear and obvious not a single problem anyone suffers would be better if shared. When I'm alone, especially at night, there's no protection. I get it full on with no reduction. I don't even bother to describe the worst things as I don't want total strangers to be dragged down as well. Just trust there are things that haunt me at times and they all add to the general picture. It even indirectly affects my health and slows me down considerably. Even when any problem has no solution being with someone else makes it seem less direct. Oddly my family mainly prefer to live alone. OK, they had someone with them many years longer than I did so maybe feel less isolated but alone is still alone and they all seem quite resigned to it unlike me. My grandma is the exception and my exception where I couldn't live as I'd have no freedom. Apart from having to work out where to have sex (yes, I do manage it sometimes) the rest would all be an improvement. And that ought to have an easy solution. If we had millions it may be possible to find somewhere big enough to split in two and maybe get someone to share with me, but we haven't.
So, tonight the only question is did the video arrive today when I was out? Unlikely actually but technically possible. Then if not will it arrive this week? The digital photos will be an added bonus, especially if they let me post them here. And I have to find comfort in the small things, new photos, bits of shopping etc., as that's all there usually is. Nothing special but how many people do? Having a partner is special, if you've got the right one. Living in a family. The most social activities where I am is when two cats from over the road sit in the street together. Honestly. No wonder I sound like I'm losing it...

Shopping list

This looks like a reverse shopping list when I review what I'm going to write but that's how it's been and how my mind organises it. Partly for the critics and employers who imply I don't do enough, so I keep a record of what I do to remind myself I'm not totally idle. Anyway. Yesterday I finally caught the opticians open, they're not nearly as cheap as my usual ones but as I was there I picked some ancient frames and appear to have been given a major discount if they charged me correctly, and they should be here on Wednesday. The frames are the gold pilot style I had when I was 15 and liked them then as well.
I did a few miles on my bike in the rain yesterday as it was just light enough not to get soaked and having missed Thursday due to the boilerman's urgent arrival wanted to make up for it, and found the River Brent despite opening up into a fairly reasonable flow after the Welsh Harp reservoir is locked away behind railings and buildings. But I knew where to look and you'd barely realise by the pictures I took.

Next week I have a few things to look forward to. The video of my programme the most important, then my glasses and then my new computer which is delayed a week for parts. The cd seems stillborn and will need to give Tesco a rocket up the arse for their debut cockup. I'm ordering my next lot of photo prints plus a new hardback book for me without mistakes, the old one is going to our library service.
This week has really been a struggle against conditions. Failed boiler, rain, unreliable people, unreliable machines, the usual crap. It's pissing down now, not that I had many places to go and have a few trips next week to follow railway lines and motorways with the camera. Ultimately I've seen already a picture of people sitting in a room with a picture of them sitting in it on the wall. I've reached a stage where I'll have photos of the views out of the windows on the wall where all you have to do to see them is look out of the window. Each photo I have can be seen by going there but the further you go the harder they are to see, plus not everyone knows where to look. Wickliffe Avenue for a start. This is a dead end road in Finchley I never knew existed, and thought I was still in Hendon as when I approached it from the rear the brook meant I'd left Hendon and all I saw were buildings, not knowing where they were. I'll go up the front of the road next in case it has any more places worth seeing. The brook is about 6 miles long and splits from the Brent in Hendon and ends in High Barnet. It divides districts and creates parkland along its entire length with dead end roads as few were built across it despite being about 10 feet wide. This is Britain where they expected people to ride their horses through rivers, not build bridges.

I admit to becoming pretty bored by the end of the week. I have a bit of an ear infection which has affected my balance on and off and am doing my best not to need antibiotics. That has slowed me down after 100 earlier reasons, it didn't stop me doing a thing thank goodness but made me struggle to do them all. I love adding to numbers though and when I add 3 miles on my bike despite rain I feel satisfaction. My bike is 54 years old I think, I swapped it for the other one which was 50 as it was lighter and only when I went to buy parts for it was told it was older than the other one which I bought when I moved to Oxford in 1988. I had it till 2001 when my mum's neighbour gave up his old bike and swapped it. Then I saw the Peugeot in a shop which I had to ride 15 miles for a tenant who moved and was quicker than any other, but would mean peeing around with mine and decided it wasn't worth the trouble at the time, and now regret it. Too late now.

So despite havoing to wait another week this computer works besides the floppy drive and ethernet as I paid dearly for it to be repaired a month ago may as well get some more use out of it. Call it a motherboard and mine would be prosecuted for neglect of duties. You can't repair the fuckers, £60 for a replacement and AMD processors do only last a few years as they are copies of Intel but heat up and have complex circuits. They are a total waste of money. I won't be getting one in future, assuming the new computer packs up though my laptop is 8 years old and going strong. Well, as I said, a mixture of the dullest details possible, as that is life here. Under instructions to be aware of my being and not be sucked into my thoughts I see that as a challenge and something to compare my future progress with. Who knows, I am told it is possible.

Thursday's review

It's a dirty job but someone has to do it. Writing with little to report. England are officially the worst cricket team in the world not that long after being the best. How the mighty fall. How people like me almost feel responsible for a team's ups and downs is a mystery considering we don't play for them, but that's sport. Anyway, talking about sport is for plebs so enough of that.

I am dragging the bottom for ideas, and just thought of contacting a TV producer I worked with in 1978 to report about a mutual friend who introduced us who recently died. I hope she gets the email as it was a miracle I found anywhere to contact her but it has to be forwarded so she may still not get it, and then not necessarily reply. I've also requested copies of the digital photos the TV company took of us for my latest programme (why I didn't take my own is only down to being too busy to think of it, and expected theirs to be enough), as well as waiting daily for my video of it to arrive which I missed on Tuesday. Tesco.com have reliably failed to deliver my CD after 3 weeks and I'll have to fill in a refund form somehow. I suppose as good ideas come to me one in ten maybe get anywhere, possibly more, though from the people who do reply it's usually a hello, often followed by 'who are you?'. My memory is clearly better than 90% of the population, I wonder how other people can't recall people and events photographically as I do as we're all wired up roughly the same but apparently not. I see my mind as a well ordered filing system and see each area as pigeon holes with plenty of spare memory space between them. Helps me do quizzes as well.

So though my hits here have dropped off my flickr site has replaced the numbers for now with 50 hits a day this week. Taking photos almost every day and commenting on others is why, and the sad state of blogger with people dropping off each day till only a handful are active is the same for everyone here, not just me. But if there are few active blogs at least mine will stand out as one of them. I hope. I remember when I had to delete comments as there were so many though mostly from the same nutcase, and now if I get one a month it's a bonus. I still read every blog on my list plus a few more, but even though one's died a year ago (I must remove it) and some only post every few months I always check them. The next miracle is whether the opticians open till 6 tomorrow (no they won't, I've sussed them out, the time shown is a maximum, not an actual one) and then whether my TV producer replies. The video won't be here before Monday at the earliest, so will either come when I'm not here or wake me up as of course they only deliver mornings. I think if they ever went back to 2 deliveries I'd offer to do some late ones as it's the sort of job I like if only a few hours a day in the afternoon.

So, tomorrow is free again, all my work has dried up for now bar one, and besides photos and housework very little else to do with the time. One or two more speculative calls on their way just in case I get lucky, but can be embarrassing to chase people who hardly know or remember me, but there's no one else left. Networking for business and pleasure means you have to knock on hundreds of doors in case anyone answers. No one does my marketing for me besides my inside contact who gets me the TV work, but socially I'm certainly on my own. People don't chase me except the retards (can I say that?) and spongers and all the decent ones are long gone. Not even my fault, I just don't fit in any more. So I drift from project to project and every now and then make a little progress but with no lasting results. Yet.

Another day off

One more day free, once I could leave the house when the activities dried up it was pissing down so I've stayed put on the phone since as I am right now. OK, off now. So many people like to talk at the moment. My mum came earlier for a while and the next visitor delayed until pulling out altogether so I decided to clear my software pileup and actually fixed my DVD burner which crashed my computer for weeks. It was under guarantee but the customer services at PC world are modelled on the queue for hell and nothing could make me want to go through that yet again. I think Currys next door was even worse and now I won't buy anything at these superstores as when they inevitably go wrong or arent't what they advertised it's an ordeal worth every extra penny spent in a small local shop to avoid that experience just for a greater selection. The fact the new computer will have a built in one doesn't matter, having a spare can never hurt and I just saved 2 months of photos to cd which couldn't have been done otherwise.

I was about to look out of the front door to see if it had stopped raining and I realised the test match is on, so despite being in here rather than watching it I pay so much for Sky I really feel I should catch bits of it however boring it is now. I may pop out round the block as it's stopped just as a compromise. Tomorrow is free as well, I have a few little plans to keep me occupied and usually manage not to waste the time when it comes. Of course on days off I run out of material after a while, once all the visitors or non-visitors are gone and I've done my internet duties and there's sod all on TV and too early to go to bed it just stops. That's when I need someone else around but where are they?

So, little things sit on the horizon, probably for Monday onwards starting with the new computer and if as promised my next TV programme on video. After the first few people reported in the trickle reduced to a stop and so far I know two people who saw it plus one I didn't. And Discovery Kids has under half the viewers of Discovery Science which I calculated to be about 50,000 at peak times so I assume I got around 20,003 viewers, including the 3 who I told to watch it. I say that for the UK as abroad millions have probably seen them as these shows are international and if I walked into somewhere half way round the world there would be far more chance someone saw me than over here. But it's a start and can only snowball, whether quickly or slowly. And then my sunglasses which I expect will be around Tuesday as I assume they always close early at the end of the week whatever the notice says. Well, the rain's stopped, Clive Bull's first show on LBC after the holidays is finished so I'm off round the block. If there is ever a competition for totally boring lives few could be more so than this at the moment. Making the best of what?

TV and fellatio

Blimey, interesting activity at last! I went to the Discovery Kids website last night to see who to contact about my forthcoming TV appearance and saw the very programme was scheduled for the next morning! I rang the radio as always plus contacted everyone in my address book and just managed to catch it in time. As it was in the morning I recorded it, and woke up to find an advertising and gardening programme on instead. So now I know I was in it but will have to wait for someone to send me a video to see it myself. What a fiasco.
So it's been a busy day. First I got a few rushed photos on the brook at Hendon, as I had to get back in case the cleaner arrived early, and then saw a client. The phone went nonstop since and I saw Chelsea drop another 2 points to Aston Villa (hooray!) on Sky. I also had to make enquiries about fixing my cable box as it clearly can't handle recording from a channel on intermission and they have to send someone round to reprogram it. Though they claimed it never happened before I assume they all work (don't work) the same way and couldn't tell me or I'd sue them. It makes no difference either way if mine's fucked and won't bring my programme back even when they do fix it.

I will go for an exciting walk after this and then who knows (I do) as it'll be late. Play online mahjongg (not any good as this version only has one game so you can't beat your scores). But I don't know any others that are free so it's that or nothing. People coming tomorrow early and late so that's taken care of, and little ahead. I'll probably find the opticians never stay open late on Fridays when I pass, if not I'll have to go back and make a special trip the week after. It was really sunny today driving and dark glasses would have helped.
So, even though I have little idea of the content, I have doubled my media presence overnight and this time more people seem to have watched it though a few emails I sent bounced for absolutely no reason. I have also been told to participate in my enlightenment work with no input from my ind, which I am doing for a while. I will see what happens. At least it'll give my mind a rest and train it to be quieter if nothing more. It does get in the way when it's not being used helpfully and needn't continue in the gaps, as no one else's should.

While my hits here have dropped the ones on flickr have risen to near the level this was when I started. Fashions change but I think visual images will never lose fashion whereas writing themes do continually and I know mine won't vary much. Not that I want it to. It took me 46 years to develop it and apart from switching from facts to jokes more, which is normally involuntary (try asking a comedian to be funny) this is it. I was also just given a huge chocolate cake with maybe 10 pieces in it, I really need some help to finish it. One is coming tomorrow. First eat my cake, then the cock. I can but dream.

First visit of the year

First visit 2007, ok, only a number, but the old gravestone situation is a number ahead for another 12 months but of course when it happens I won't be there to see it. The sort of thing you think about as time passes. Had a nice evening with 2 couples here last night and all brought enough food to open our own shop. No food shortage this week as always after people come over.
More photos today, rained all night, then sunny, and just started raining again which was something. I also checked some roads out around Hendon Way in case they were economical alternatives to Hampstead Garden Suburb (houses the size of Bekonscot, see Google). Not really came the answer. Some nice enough roads, some even looking like Golders Green the other side of the road despite being in Cricklewood (people actually live there?) but even the first road opposite Finchley Road to the west is totally different from HGS as not built by architects. East Finchley by where I lived was the best example. Miles of literal slums (worth half a million there and 30,000 in Middlesbrough, identical slums) on the edge of paradise relatively speaking.
The border has to come somewhere and in similar Blackheath they blocked all the roads to Kidbrooke council estate so it's physically impossible to cross the border from heaven to hell. HGS has no such restrictions and the roads off East End Road are truly Mephistophelean (I never thought I'd use that word in my life...). I literally came home depressed after walking round Oak Lane once, it was like the shamanic trip to rescue spirits from the underworld.

So, 2007 is 17 hours old (my computer says so) and I've been to Golders Green and the better part of Cricklewood (except for the Hocroft estate but they aren't so photogenic), this is life alone in London suburbia. I have a funny short video made last night on youtube (see satguru) though Mandy farted soon afterwards which could have gut me a featured video if she'd managed it in the 41 seconds my camera works for. The funny thing is a DVD camera is the same retail price as the digital with goodness knows how long at full quality, but the still camera is probably worse quality video than a cheap mobile. My friend's even plays back sound while mine only pictures unless you plug it into speakers and download it all first. I got Nick Roach's second book and though I read it before it is filling in many gaps as I read it again. If this leads to anything I will be greatly relieved, after over 3 years of understanding his system and getting apparently nowhere so far. But I see where enlightenment may already exist and trust he is experiencing (as all the other teachers must) something totally different from before otherwise why tell people about it. Makes sense. Now wait and see.

Social life

Updates, like anyone cares... Did get the photos in Colindale but they looked exactly like all the others despite being different places. If I run out of photos to take there'll need to be something new to do to get me out of the house. Then after correctly rememberingthe opticians opened till 6 every day the arseholes were closed when I got there at 5.30. As I was going past it anyway I waited rather than make a special journey assuming they could be trusted, so it'll now be a special journey next week. So the day was predictable but efficient even though of course when anything relies on other people they didn't do their part.

If I'm lucky tomorrow I may get pictures of the North Circular in Hanger Lane Ealing, assuming it isn't dark when I go that way. Besides that over 24 hours how much else can happen? Not a lot comes the answer. Does it put me off? Not at all. The good news was my hits have increased a bit so maybe people were busy in the holiday week unlike me who is hardly ever busy on any part of any year. Of course I used to be but things change imperceptibly until you find your life has moved somewhere else and there's really sod all you can do to beat the greater picture. Ahead now is the day the guy can make my new computer (it's not off the shelf and needs my existing hard drive), probably in 2 weeks. I also remembered Tales of the riverbank after hearing something on the radio and ordered a video of it which was one of my favourite programmes in the 1960s, and actually spent half an hour waiting on Doncaster Station platform with Johnny Morris in about 1982 though I didn't go and speak to him. And there wasn't a zebra in sight (for those who watched Animal Magic like I did).

I also had a conversation with someone (I honestly can't remember who, the subject is usually far more important than the source for me) that I wonder how many people in life find life improves and they prefer the present to the past and vice versa. I saw life peak around 1969 and then fall apart slowly from about 1981 onwards progressively. I can technically catalogue every element and it was just like losing teeth until there were none left. Of course once you lose your teeth that's it, and it sometimes feels what I had was here when it was time and now it's gone that's the lot. I doubt that could be right but in practical terms it's possible though not inevitable. With two more days left of the year I don't believe the number matters. Landmarks count not dates, and besides a birthday every January which really makes me think about time passing the rest just carries on as always. Though I know it only takes one person to change all this but people are like angels, they come when they choose and not you. Luckily I'm not paranoid like some people I know and take it personally, I know they all left for their own reasons and I was nothing to do with it. That's the problem, people can't consider others when they move away. Not even me really. I know my family would miss me and probably an ex girlfriend but the others wouldn't even notice I suspect. I can come half way and make calls but if they don't return I have to let them go.

Unless I've missed anyone the last new close friend I met was probably at college in 1982. It's not that I had no friends since, I just kept the same ones. I barely have women as close friends as sex intervenes. Either I want it and they don't, no friendship there, or vice versa where I rarely turn it down, don't enjoy it and let them go, same result. Had it been mutual I would be telling a different story now. I have met many people since them but the closest to friends were also pains in the arse and however well we got on I had to suffer at the same time. A true friendship shouldn't have faults so I didn't include it. And I kept going to the same holiday place till 1989 but though I pulled many times I didn't meet any new friends there though half the ones I know were met there in the 60s and 70s. Do people rarely meet new friends once they grow up? I don't know. Though I never needed new friends it didn't stop me meeting them and admittedly I had a very close female friend I met around 1984 until she got engaged, though I was still interested in more she was such good fun I still loved to see her, and another around then who wanted more from me but I enjoyed her company and tested her body and unfortunately the mind won. She also left to get married and divorced so maybe I did have female friends as well though both times one wanted more but the friendships were strong enough to survive despite wanting more. So I remembered something more as we do when we talk about it. I'm still only at the early 80s, meaning I can't think of a friend I met more recently than that, but if it comes to me I'll add it in. But a best friend is only one person and for the first time ever there's a vacancy.

What really counts?

Well, looking at the end of another year it's more of a wide view than a narrow daily one. Not that the daily one could compete much today, besides a little trip to Wembley to get covered in mud taking photos of almost identical views of places I've taken everywhere else. This year I seem to have learnt a hell of a lot, which is terribly useful to many people apparently but only allows me to see a pattern in the world much as a lab technician looks at a virus under the microscope but can't do a think about getting rid of it. I know the enemy but have no means to beat it. Knowledge is a start, and has put me head and shoulders above where I was before I had it, and when people I respect affirm what I say as true I realise I'm not making it up or speaking from personal opinion, but seeing things more and more as they really are, as I am gradually seeing others doing more at last, after seeming to spend a lifetime in a dream.

One element in common is how boring it is to live alone. Most people admit or freely describe how inadequate it is, and secondly more people are beginning to realise whatever shortcomings it has, being at home and around your own community is better than travelling all over the place once you've looked around and seen it isn't all that much. Wherever you go you always come home so you may as well make the most of it. People think excitement involves running away and frantic activity, but it isn't. Hours in front of TV with friends on holiday or here beat any other experiences, especially with good programmes and people. Watching Ian Botham and Alan Knott win the 1977 test match with all my friends making silly comments on holiday, watching one of the best films of my life, amazingly a French one called La premier fois, with the same bunch of friends, and also sitting watching goodness knows what when the cleaning lady's daughter walked in like an angel from heaven and sat on my lap. Those are memories, and like Big Brother, just involve being in a room with interesting people you know. Going to events is hit and miss and when they go wrong can put you off for ages.

It doesn't even seem to come with age. I know people in their 80s still travelling the world. Some didn't wait till they retired, they always did it. Good luck to them, but don't let anyone try and persuade anyone else it's the right thing to do. I spend many of my holidays waiting to return home unless they're particularly good. I was always happy at home, especially when I was off work. I love looking at old photos to remind me of things which aren't exactly the same recalling by memory. I prefer as much realism as possible, film as well as photo, and our holiday photographer used to show silent colour movies from god knows when, including me from my first visit at 8. I loved watching the show every year as I got older and knew nearly all the people in the film, and apart from the movie camera bit I took over his job for 2 years as official still photographer till he decided to take it up again. Nowadays my high spots are few and far between, and friends even more so. At the moment. I'm in a phase of drought on most fronts and like the weather we can't make it rain, we just have to carry on and hope.

I even seem to lose my sense of humour at times, I have other things to say and can't always see the funny side of things. But who doesn't? I'm barely waiting either. Little to wait for still. Got my glasses now and can see road signs at night clearly again. Talk about the little things. Tomorrow for instance I may take yet more photos in Colindale, and if open Fridays (Jewish area) go and get my second glasses made up. The thing is the more I become aware of what's important in life the less I get of it. So far...

Wednesday report

This new blogger has more bugs than Australia. It took two days to open the link by right clicking and opening in a new window, then not only couldn't it post an image it cleared my post and can't recover it. What a pile of shite. I'm breaking in my first bifocal varifocal lenses which arrived this afternoon, and if I look at anything at an angle it's blurred and will need some practice. I'll be getting some single visions for driving so I don't need to keep my eyes straight ahead.
Having finished my list of photos of places I knew I scanned the map to see new features and dug up many more. I started yesterday following the railway line through Kenton and have plenty ahead. I see so many fascinating places in between known roads now and had I had enough spare memory I'd have upped the pixels for this one of Kenton Station.

This is a country style tudor house worth well over a million in Hampstead Garden Suburb, I have so many pictures of the area I lived in and took for granted until forced to leave (or live in a flat, no way) when the family house was sold.

I had galloping vertigo this morning and as I only had it 12 years ago thank goodness that was the age of the remaining tablets which still seemed to do the job. I have to wait and see how that goes before I get my next glasses and take photos of the railway in Finchley, till then I'm slowly getting stuff done at home though I was just ok to pick my glasses up first. For any other anoraks (or opticians) out there my new prescription is -2 cylinder in both eyes plus a -1.75 sphere in the left and -.5 sphere in the right. Then a +1.25 addition for reading as he somehow knew I couldn't read without a correction with this prescription at my age (47 next month). I'm watching the Dr Who I missed on Christmas Day at 8, and little on after that besides possibly on cable. But I'm keeping busy more or less and can't ask for more than that. I wish I could...

A snapshot

With the cat on my lap stopping me watch what passes as a test match I have little left to do but pop in here. Then I suppose I'll check the stats in case anyone read my last entry. Christmas was better than for a few years, though most was recorded there were some decent TV programmes at last, and just returned from dinner at my grandmas. Tomorrow is one appointment then dinner at my mum so nothing to make me wonder what to do. Wednesday is planned sunglasses day (and first day my bifocals may arrive). It'll be nice to see clearly again so am looking forward to it. The a trip to Wembley to take photos of another railway line. Solitary pursuits mainly but keep me occupied.

Blogger seems to be working now though I need to redirect the login manually it gets me there eventually. Then in a couple of weeks the new computer arrives, 3 times faster than this and Intel chip this time. And a Windows CD if you know what I mean. I have 4-6 people coming new year's eve, something of a tradition since the last 2 places I went to are no longer available. I'd like one of the prospective women on my list to come but she has no transport and would probably not want to bother, plus my other friends would probably embarrass her with comments about getting it on with me. Probably better to wait and see her privately. London can be such a shit place with distances being expanded by 10 compared to travelling outside, if you drive 10 miles into London it can take the same time as driving from here to Birmingham, I've done it and am so put off wasting time waiting to get to places I rarely bother now and just avoid the areas altogether. I know more and more people who if they meet people in difficult areas just don't bother with them. Why the hell we should live in a society where despite hardly anyone we know being around full stop, then having to restrict who we see by location as it's so hard to get around? Talk about middle ages, it is now no easier to travel round London than it was with horses. It's not just me, the tougher it gets the more people add to the list of frustration.

I really need something to change and unfortunately these sort of changes come as miracles when they do. 14 years of living alone has become less easy to tolerate rather than used to it, as I really see no end without a miracle and don't see why when so many others are alone they should have to at all. There is little worse than insoluble problems, especially when you've been used to having the sort of intellect that can solve problems better than most. When you then come across one you and others know is beyond any help it's like losing your legs. How many people haven't been satisfied with a situation to the extent of solving it? Or at least doing everything they could in case they could. Mythology is full of impossible tasks and whether or not there is a god there's a situation or 3 thousand round here that I do not find necessary or helpful. Am I alone here?

Why do I bother?

I suppose progress has been made, my PC has been checked and the verdict was 'dustbin'. After 3 years only the hard drive will remain, the rest being replaced by a top of the range inside next month when the shop reopens. Three times the speed and RAM, so worth the expense I suppose. Otherwise researching blogging continues, I am still uncertain what's happened and whether it's a terminal decline or just me. So due to a little extra finance I was able to do a bit of internet shopping, and other, so I am now waiting for a number of items all delayed due to the holidays:
1 pair of new bifocal lenses, a CD, new bolts for my office chair, a new computer, a replacement DVD burner (not needed now, will ask for credit) and also a meeting with someone I met online. Then once the shop reopens on Wednesday hopefully get my new sunglasses. I may have forgotten more but that's a lot more than usual to wait for. No more shopping plans now, almost all the remaining items that aren't here already weren't by choice, the computer is falling apart and my eyes have changed so those expenses are unavoidable. And as I always follow up these things are fun but don't take the place of people. Nothing will ever replace the value of other people around which I will remind everyone whenever I can. Once you've got people around then the items add to the quality of life but on their own are extras.

I had to go out relatively early today as the gym closed at 3 so by the time I got back was happy to do bugger all the rest of the day, and there is less (actually nothing) on TV than I'd ever come across before. It wasn't even turned on most of the day and there's only tripe on now as background. But unlike the last few years Christmas Day is showing new and decent programmes again which nowadays is all there is to do then. No family stuff besides my dad and grandma and that's all. No traditional dinner either as my grandma is too old to make it but we have to go there as she can't travel too far- she'll be 97 in February and no worse for wear.
So, if I stopped doing this for a few weeks would anyone notice? Since I've been checking hardly anyone's still writing here anymore. Life goes on every day so why have so many people stopped reporting it? I don't find other people's stories become boring after a while, they are as interesting as the people are, like soap operas, and go on indefinitely. Well mine does anyway. But if I'm writing soon for an audience of zero (in a few weeks at this rate) I will carry on as if not what will I do with all these ideas (no comments please).

Well, new blogger worked today so maybe it's fixed or just prefers the laptop. Pity I haven't got more to write but besides a N2 postcode photo trip yesterday, following the NW11 last Saturday, there's not a lot more to report. I can usually just get blood out of a stone but only so much, sorry.

Another week passes by

Fuck me... how long does it take to enter the new blogger? It's a Chinese puzzle and I had to right click the continue link and open it manually before I finally made it. Not in Beta mode? My arse- get those links working and hurry up about it!

So, being the first post on new blogger and starting with a rude word is typical as this week my floppy drive, ethernet card and new DVD burner (as well as my kettle) have all gone west and if any bug has got in the system to eat my hardware like a worm then I am not happy with it. The DVD was the reason the computer crashed as I tried each plug till that did it, and it's going in tomorrow for new parts. No accounts or saving anything else until then.
Otherwise a productive week, all my leaks repaired and lots of photos taken, little bits of shopping done and basically did all the jobs that needed doing for a change. Because of Christmas my glasses will be later than intended, it will be such a relief to see perfectly again though unless I'm driving or looking at Ceefax I barely notice at the moment.

I pass my blog site to the odd person and one by one the women I write about may well recognise themselves here. Now I only write nice things about them or not at all, one appears to have worked out I fancy the underwear off her but am too young (despite providing the potential of a man my age, if you get my drift). Another has it but I won't believe she's read it till she tells me (or comments in the box). Meanwhile my hits have slid to 7 a day recently, from the original 50. Of course the people who leave are the ones I want to say why and they aren't reading this to know. If I changed the system and commented more again it may get the odd visitor but they are rarely regulars. Now I am interested in following my progress to see if I ever make it in a number of areas:

Women, fame, not living alone, getting a new/old friend, peace of mind etc etc., and though these things have come and gone over the years I've been hoping to reclaim them all since they went some time ago, except fame which, like business, I am far more in control of than the personal stuff and haven't yet experienced. But of all of that ,list I'm closer to it than the others as it involves a clear step by step process and I am on the first one of a few. If a Channel 4 programme is made next year I should be in it and jump at least one more. I'm on Discovery Channel again around February though no exact date yet. I hope I'll be on closer to 10 minutes than the few in my debut but any exposure will help.
A book I read last week says only when we realise no one will rescue us do things start to improve. Now there only needs to be one person to start that process and one may be reading this now.

Plans? Get the computer fixed, get my new glasses (-3.75 in one eye already), save the accounts when the computer's working, finish tidying the house, wait for the next two women I know to contact me to see them, find out my TV showing, and get more visitors here somehow. At least I'm aiming for things that are realistic...

Everything and nothing

I hope I don't end up moaning again, I don't intend to and with the repair of my leaking pipes I should have at least one thing to be pleased about having waited months. There's a new internet explorer 7 just come down the line which looks interesting, is practically far harder to use, and the final sting is it doesn't browse webpages, so I'm back on Firefox. Microsoft have excelled themselves again with another crap package. Well done.

I am hoping my new bifocals will arrive early before Christmas or they may end up around a week late and I'd like to see properly again. OK, the difference while driving is barely noticeable but that's partly as I'm used to it. Tomorrow is free after today spent helping the plumber/electrician all afternoon, and I may manage to get my sunglasses made so I can see to drive perfectly sooner than later. I am wondering whether my hit counter is on a temporary decline, blogging has generally been replaced by videos or it's temporary. I see the day when it stays the same number for days or even weeks, and although I used to write for 50 people a day, it became 15 and when I look soon it may well be in single figures. I know it's not me as I write the same shit every time, so maybe people either want variety (it reflects life, I can only report what happens) or have better things to do than the internet unlike me. Even when I go out it's often to post later on as photos or blogging, and I am using it as a way to communicate everything to anyone who comes across it by accident.

Any tips on why IE7 is dead and whether it's happened to others would be much helpful, especially as I presume we've all been given the same 'upgrade' this week and those without an alternative browser are now paying upwards of 25p a minute to call their ISPs to ask why they can't go online. Bloody great.
Other than that I'd been discussing my mother's theories how I can improve my life and was told why they were way off base, as my spare time (99% of it is) is reasonably well used despite being alone a lot of the time nowadays, it wasn't about going out and mixing with people as I used to, but where and how I live, ie alone and not with a family of any type. Now that is the gap I want to fill and joining clubs isn't the way, meeting a woman I like who both likes me and is free to do something about it is, and Christine is the latest example of that, she appeared to but is far from free. If anything would force me out it would be her, travelling 50 miles would only really be worth it for someone like her and although testing my energy by doing the trip won't happen I would have tried. Not now. Her final sounding text she didn't want to contact me again seemed to override her initial plan to visit me when she came this way next year. Apparently she thought better of that as if the temptation's not there she can't act on it. Now if she isn't married to this guy and she finds she prefers me, why not? You move on and up with boyfriends and girlfriends till you want to keep one and in my case marry one, though she has been put off that for life. So they live seperately but she is as loyal to him as a husband so has no sensible reason not to be. Total madness and who loses out but me?

So visiting clubs and societies is to follow an interest. If you find friends there it's a bonus and I rarely have myself and I'd been going since I was about 7. We'd do our stuff, go home and meet the next week. I did see the rare person from groups and classes over the years but never really became friends with any. I met mine at school, on holiday and through my parents. Not now, except through my parents and they are either too old for me (it was their friend's children back then when they all lived together) or not interested. I met as many suitable women since I stopped socialising much but they all spat me out like I had a worm in me. Including Christine despite a definite wish to do the opposite. I am setting up my next as I write though I am in the sad position of comparing with the lost Christine now and need to see her and anyone else since as themselves without any reference to others. Well, that's Tuesday (OK, technically Wednesday), and maybe why so few people read this anymore. I have no idea.

Dead and buried

Dead and buried

I always have projects on the go, sadly only the minimum end in success, the others all die sooner or later before anything comes of them. Christine is now apparently lost for good despite actually still liking me and being about the second best potential partner I ever knew. What a bloody waste. I finally have a likely date coming up sooner or later though not yet known if more than a friend from her side. The other woman is fine physically but not around at the moment and pretty irritating once she opens her mouth (to talk, anyway). But if she was interested with my years of experience I would still probably keep her and just put up with it.
So besides paid mail order shopping arriving there’s little else except my new lenses which are due over the Christmas weekend so are bound to be later than planned. I hope to get some sunglasses made on Tuesday as it would be nice to see properly again sooner rather than later. Looking at the depressing figures of my hit counter my original 50 a day has dropped to 15 even though my performance barely changes. OK, that is probably why but I can’t (or anyone else) write about someone else’s life and I refuse to write as a quasi journalist as I’m not and only would on the stuff I write about already. With a few bogies and wet farts thrown in when I feel like it (figuratively that is). I suppose in a few hundred years they’ll fix it so you can send real farts on the internet (someone will make a fortune) but till then I just create them in your mind.

As it goes there was an essential list of jobs I completed well last week. Forget the fucking dentist, life sucks enough without looking for extra aggravation when you don’t need it. Recovering from chronic fatigue I now appreciate every trip I make as there were times I couldn’t. That plus my rapid heartbeat which was like altitude sickness. So now I do one thing at a time and realise how important each is, and just need understanding friends and family (which I do) to let me take things at a pace I am able to. And to compensate I did so much at and around home that my 2006 record is pretty impressive, loads of paintings, photos and 2 more TV filmings. I refuse to lie down and give up and whatever I can’t do I try and do whatever I can. In the comfort of a family home none of this would be noticed so much, jobs are shared and shopping is done by whoever is free at the time. And all the other jobs. But no great plans yet besides these mentioned.

The last element which seems pretty absent at the moment are all things spiritual. Nothing. I do no more or less on that front but life seems more down to earth and ordinary than it ever has. Not a clue of any higher powers, just everyday crap as expected each time. If fame or fortune are around the corner it’s such a blind corner even a periscope twisted to 359’ wouldn’t be able to see it. Not that you ever get any clues in advance. Driving around Golders Green yesterday still inspired me to move should I ever be able to afford it as it is by far the most civilised part of London and mine is no longer that great, having been there in the 60s and seen the differences. Golders Green has little changed and besides the inevitable loss of shops and everyone I knew there as well the area is much as it was 40 years ago. Hampstead Garden Suburb, where I did live, is better and more expensive with smaller houses and unless I marry money would get a rabbit hutch there with all the money I could scrape together. My house and area look fine really so I stay where I am, but having spent most of my life around Golders Green I’d feel more settled there than anywhere else nowadays as it is a link with all the best things I had. All my life people have said I expect everything without doing anything for it.
Look at the facts, taking endless retakes of exams until I became qualified in as many fields as I could without O level maths and the money to do a local masters degree, taking assorted jobs with shit pay and hours, then applying for many better ones until I only got the bare minimum. After being made redundant I still applied for hundreds of similar jobs, the only one I got lasting a week through no fault of my own. Everything else I did since has been at the end of my limits much of the time but it’s careful planning not effort plus a lot of luck that gets success, not hard work alone. That’s strength above intelligence and doesn’t work. All the best things I ever had were just there, I didn’t even plan them. That’s the only formula I know of.

You want a title as well?

I wonder if anyone's tried to do a blog as another person, certainly to break the monotony when things have got a bit stale. So let's have a quick go.

Good evening, this is Uri Geller, I am taking over here for a little to speak to all of you reading David's blog. Now many of you will have seen me bending spoons, there is so much more I do as well as this. I am not a healer but I believe in positive thought, and if we all put our thoughts together we can all work to get rid of the suffering in the world. If you want something to happen come up to the screen and find an item that is not working, like a watch or a radio set, and say to it 'work, work!'. My power will come through the screen and many of you will find strange things happening around you, many people have had things come back they have lost a long time ago, and items have moved around in the house when there was no one there to touch them. Believe, trust in the power of thought and you will move a mountain. I wish you all peace and love, goodbye.

OK, I'm back. Having met the great man a couple of times at lectures I'm pretty familiar with his routines, and I still can't disprove much of what he does. It's just odd no one else I've ever checked has ever been able to do anything that similar.

Rather than relate a week of banality anything is probably an improvement. I have had my eyes tested and can no longer get away with one lens per eye as the time has come for bifocals. Bloody expensive bifocals and not for over a week. But at least I'll be able to see very well as long as I don't put my new glasses on upside down. Other than that little task nothing has really changed since last visit. My floppy drive is now as dead as England's chances in the Ashes, typically as I need it to do my accounts work. So as soon as one problem's fixed two more arrive and at this rate there'll be nothing left of the old computer once every part's needed replacement.
So things are pretty quiet here at the moment with little or nothing seen ahead. Time can drag at times, mainly as I'm on my own and need luck or effort to speak to a real person I know rather than the local shopkeepers. There must be so many people in a similar position who also want to be with others but how on earth do you find them? Not by asking online I'll guess. The plumber promised to fix my dodgy boiler now it's really behaving badly but nothing there either as usual. He fitted it and really needs to do it himself. He was happy enough to do a job opposite but still avoids me like he's a woman.

Finally I did go somewhere tonight where I may have met someone from the internet, I'd forgotten his name but when I got to where he worked in a cinema they claimed not to know him. Very odd. One more set up for the new year so I will see. Meanwhile it's wait and keep waiting for anything else I need, though the 2 items of clothing I won on ebay arrived, one too big and different from what I expected and the other too small but both so cheap. Good value, not. And more to arrive soon. But it's only things and they can't take the place of people. Maybe I should stick as Uri Geller here...

Life goes on

One by one jobs get done, and my vision was pretty different from the last test and will need bifocals as well as stronger distance glasses so money is an object... So I'll have to stop buying new frames for fun and settle for one pair and a spare like everyone else. But at least when they arrive I'll have top class vision again which'll be nice. Other than that it's been pissing around with the computer again, to the point not of repair but destruction while trying to revive the ethernet. Then the whole damn think stopped and the final action of reloading briadband worked, for usb anyhow. Let them fix the ethernet themselves, I've done all I can. Any internet is better than none now.

Otherwise there's little to report, the woman front creeps along slowly with Christine being in the recycle bin of life, no use but with a tiny chance of revival. Don't buy clothes online, whatever the size unless you try them on there's at least a one size variation in reality and mine arrived one a size too big and one too small but I just got away with it. Any more and it would be endless trips to the post office and postage costs on top. And these items weren't either in shops or as cheap had they been so it was worth the gamble.
Now after such fun and games being the highlights of the week I am struggling to squeeze another drop from my report. All I seem to do is act as a shield to all the arrows Shakespeare described long ago and hope as few as possible get through. One woman is possible soon so not all black ahead, though it may well only be a friendship. But it's a start and she is a lot nicer than the junk I currently have to deal with who treat me like a doormat or toilet roll depending on what day it is. It's really no surprise I've been searching in the realms of the supernatural for so long as it's my best chance of an escape. Life can (was) be bloody good but it can be hell as well. We need an escape route when it does and knowing spirits were around or I could be heard and seen by other dimensions would help a lot.

Tomorrow is currently a rare open book, time and light permitting I may take some more photos, my only reliable occupation I can do easily now. Little nearby left to take, one has severe traffic issues and the other is where I was today and will be Friday so no point making three in a row. So all I am doing now is making the most of my revived internet connection, the modem has never gone down for more than a few hours and I thought it would be a home visit. I won't be pissing around with plugs and programs again, if it works at all, leave it. I know it makes sense.

Hey little hen

When when when will you lay me an egg for my tea

It's saturday and...

So what do you do when the little that does happen is better not reported but passed over and forgotten? My mum says I just go on about the past but here it's more about attempted quality than the details, so what I can drag from a mind that's had a week of assorted assaults from various angles that is worth writing down? Well I got the sound back on the PC, meaning everything works now, though someone somewhere has to fix the ethernet sooner or later to free my usb socket. Meanwhile I've eliminated two more women from my list, only proving to my over critical family I do still meet the odd suitable woman who isn't in another country or time system. The fact that once they are withing meeting distance that's the cue to push me away I'll never know. Christine of course was one mutual from maybe two all my life who sent me packing not because she didn't like me but she already had the sort of person I fully expected her to, not being disgusting or mental. Or in some cases I've met both. Naturally I expect many of the women who blew me out to describe me the same way but Christine didn't and as she's quality only her opinion counts regardless if available or not.

So, what's next? I really prefer not to think. When the highlights of last week were getting a computer back nearly as good as it was before it packed up (except for the new version of Windows which is why I chose the place at all) and sending my Christmas cards, plus some more local photos is really about all I can expect. I would really like to get an eye test, energy permitting, and will see what's available in a couple of days. I would like to read teletext properly and suspect that means stronger lenses. No one else on earth gives a flying fuck about these details but they are the only ones I have. Then if I go there are a bunch of photos in the area I will probably take to make an afternoon of it. If I had anyone else with me I'd then go to Sherrard's for tea, where in the summer I get my food there and eat it in the park next door, photo on Flickr site. I used to live in the next road but now have to commute about 4 miles just to visit my old patch. Not that I now know a soul there bsides my mum and now her friend I would like a relationship with as well. Quality knows no age, it lasts like a Rolls Royce. So far that's about it, and if it gets better it'll be here, though if it gets worse or the same it will be as well. A tragedy is only suffered by the victims, not the readers. But why not a happy ending for a change? Christine's bloke suddenly realising he's gay for instance. That, unfortunately, is the extent of my prospects. Cack.

On the verge of insanity

If any insanity is environmentally related then I'm well on the way. I have passed through the worst known elements, the computer just works (no sound or ethernet though) and I did what needed doing this week more or less and there's little known ahead to sort out, not that that ever stopped it happening. Christine proved as hopeless (as in my benefit) as I expected, she now says she can't call me because of her boyfriend. Well fancy that, I am so surprised, not. But knowing one of the best women around thinks so much of me in itself tells me I do have assets as well and am now aware of them and hope to use them. It's just a shame not with her.

Otherwise nothing has changed, as if it would. No time for an eye test this week being on call to collect the computer, besides work bookings, one of which blocked Tuesday and never turned up. Thank goodness when it's sunny I still have time to take photos before it gets dark, and got some more today. The other benefit is finding so many little roads and corners within a couple of miles I never knew were there. I took most of the places I knew already, and now follow features like railway lines on the map and find views I would never have seen otherwise. All the usual solitary pursuits but I've been doing that a long time wherever I go out. The difference between having just one regular friend, girlfriend or wife and none is 100%. That's why so many couples drop their friends, they just don't need them any more. I do but am in the minority as like a couple of others I took my girlfriend with me to friends, rather than just see her and drop them till we inevitably broke up. So my mother blamed me and made out like it was my own fault since my last true friends (ie the ones who still saw me) left the country in 2002 I hadn't met any more. Well there's no direct way of doing it. I realised I think the last new friend I met was at college in 1982. I rarely get new friends who qualify and they last around 20 years on average.
Unless I've missed anyone (I have met others since but didn't really consider them close or interesting enough) I can't really see it that easy to meet anyone new, let alone a partner. All the others were just around at school, holiday or friends of my parents families. But no way is it my fault as she thinks. My analysis is unfortunately too damn accurate and outsiders who don't follow my life that closely have no clue what and how I operate. There's no direct way of making friends, and meeting people does not equal making friends. There is no shortage of friend material, just not available to me through distance or work rules. That's just how it is. If it's really true the last new friend I met was 1982 (and there's no reason to think I missed anyone) the chances of making new ones are hardly likely to widen now. Of course I never needed any till now as I had so many already. They dropped out one by one till I was left with the one, and when he left the country that was the end. It was literally like losing a leg and though friends, unlike legs, can return, it's like a temporary amputation. And the one person I met online not thousands of miles away rejected my offer to meet so as always, life has to come half way, and until it does I can only do things my usual way. There are none better for me.

Am I finally going insane?

Having just catalogued all the events of the week elsewhere I don't even want to mention it, as I am left no better or worse off besides having a silent computer, which the monkeys round the corner clearly failed to notice they'd caused when fitting it with a discarded processor for the price of a new one plus. As they managed to reload Windows they got away with it, as few places can probably do it, but fix one thing and leave three worse, that's the way most operate and they are probably only average.
I also have no ethernet now, what they did to that who knows but it's as dead as Princess Diana and with nearly as many questions surrounding why. I'll be on the phone again tomorrow but as long as the rest is working it's not going back, but I do need something done so I can listen to web radio.

So looking back on the week it's fairly even, one woman returned but currently unavailable (compare yesterday's review of 'Love actually') and this is like the first scene with almost 3 hours to go to see if it resolves. Except in real life those hours are more like months or even years, like I haven't already waited so long. I have no choice and is a plan more valuable than any I know. Talk about history, 32 years an still no closer than I was besides a determination never to lose contact again whatever else happens. Tomorrow is mine for the taking though there are some business type calls I need to sort out 'or else'. Can't delay some things forever and had no time for opticians yet, especially as the target place closes on Friday when I actually visit the area. Things do seem to be going off the rails a lot of the time at the moment and how I stay on or get back is as much a mystery to me as how life can spin so out of control in the first place. The sad fact everyone has their own agenda, and if I meet a woman who was either born 20 years to soon or with someone else or miles away, otherwise it may well have worked out is a perfect example. Real good news actually gives you a profit, either long or short term, and getting something returned at great cost not as good as it was before is not an example, neither is meeting an ex who is no longer available. They are situations which are better than before but no profit, in some cases paying dearly for the little you do have.

Films and TV are very clever as they take all these situations and present them tidily, a beginning, ordeal and either happy or sad ending. Not so in real life, it usually carries on with opportunities rising and falling and rarely getting anything at the end of it, just more of the same. After 4 years at the health club I can see if I went there till I was 80 not one woman would want to go out with me as when they go there they switch off that part of themselves. Every single one. Not that they are single, but even the few who must be somehow become asexual as they walk through the door and the semi naked fit men (it is a gym) may as well be horses except for the fact I hear some women are more interested in horses. It's a real pisser. Every mine I descend is already cleared out or has the wrong stuff in it. One bonus of fame is the women who deliberately talk to you simply because they saw you on TV, and after maybe 30 I'd find one worth keeping. So indirectly as long as I pursue one route for work it may lead to something personal as well. Certainly no way to do it directly without getting locked up. Not that I'd notice the difference sometimes...

Love actually, while I write.

Having not left the house all day you'd think I'd have nothing to write about, but even if I was inj an iron lung I'd find a way somehow. Well a) I was working most of the afternoon and b) the people checking my computer have now told me, in their best Bombay Welsh, that they can't find anything wrong with it. It appears to be jamming because it doesn't like my peripherals (their view) or they are lazy tossers who only know how to install secondhand parts as new and wipe hard disks. I will see when it returns tomorrow as they were convinced to check it again before I waste my time.
Now some authorities would castrate you for using terms such as Bombay Welsh, but as a presenter recently pointed out, the more PC the authorities get the more people will rebel as a result, just to create some balance. But this is my blog and compared to the tripe I've had to delete as comments I can never offer any true nastiness, mine is for entertainment and never to have a go at anyone.

So besides a bit of work I've been forced to watch lots of TV. Manchester Utd first half, before Love Actually at 9pm which I will return to in 10 minutes. Too soon to pass judgement but semi reasonable with a bit too much padding so far. And I can swear better than they do even though I usually don't. Except here apparently. Tomorrow is collect the computer unless they actually find a fault day, and probably take it back again Friday as I see in my crystal ball the black screen of doom as soon as I turn it on. Logically if they don't fix it it'll carry on going wrong. Lucky it's not a car as I'd be dead now from it cutting out at Brent Cross and getting squashed by a coach. The sole benefit besides reloading Windows so it works properly was the shopping I do on the way back. Cakes next, by the way, though the 4 pounds I gained once I hit about 10 stone from relaxing has got to come off again, and not by eating cakes. It comes back literally in a couple of weeks though it took years to remove, except when I had chicken pox, but that's a bit out of the usual.

In case you didn't notice I just installed a popularity button on my index for readers to press if they like this. I've no idea how it works as if you press more than one it may register each one and cancel each out, but that's not for me to worry about. If it gets new readers it works. Not wanting to tempt fate I will say I have spoken to someone again after a long time, but only for a minute. It's a start though but I never want to guess ahead where nothing's happened yet. After a year of chronic fatigue, the return of my anxiety and failure of old tablets to be digested have meant any new relationship will be working on thin ice until and unless the recipient/participant is more interested in me than any health problems. I'm not talking to ghosts or avoiding black cabs in street, I'm just unable to do many of the things I could until maybe I can. Whoever it is will just have to take me as I am, just as I have in the past for others. Who knows.

So, the film's just finished, quite inspirational I suppose, and got there in the end, and showed a good example to everyone how they could make things so much easier than all the fiddling around most people take. Get in there and don't waste time. If you like someone let them know, go for it. I always believed in the simple approach and it may have been a film but was all possible. Anyone who saw it tonight or before should know what I'm talking about. Including one for me I hope.

Loose ends, loose labia

My hits have dropped to 15 a day. Where am I going wrong???

Meanwhile loose ends abound. The labia are purely in my mind, I don't know what the Upanishads say (use Google guys, that's what it's for) but when I need to divert my mind I meditate on the labia. You can't beat nature's gifts to raise you from the depths of anything, and nothing beats the labia.

So many loose ends I shouldn't worry about. Accounts all over the place, waiting for the final appointment for an eye test when I can get my arse in gear, lost clients, putting everything back after my renovations (kitchen and painting), and the usual dental checkup like the steaming pile of manure at the top. I really can't be bothered with all of it hanging around like bad smells but Maharaji says loose ends are usual and we must go above them rather than care and attempt to do them up- for each we do two more arrive so it's a waste of time. If someone dies we always wish we'd said things, they'd done things etc but death is beyond our control. As is life. We go half way, life comes the other way. And currently little of life is coming to me as I go out to it. That is: No email replies from any women, not a squeak from the computer monkeys who ripped me off and made excuses even Tony Blair would be embarrassed to use, and the first really good deal online having to be refunded as the post office lost the parcel (for lost read used for their own use). That'll make someone a nice christmas present. So in the half hour between lunch and the client who didn't come I slipped out to Cricklewood to squeeze my lens through more railings to get this picture and one other. Besides having to get home no other road had a view of the line so this was it.

Because of the lack of events from outside and through no choice or fault of my own have no job I am opening my mind to make plans to make sure I have things to do ahead. I don't want to waste my time and hope various things I think of will provide something to achieve each day so it doesn't feel like dead time. It gets harder and harder as with hardly anyone to do it with and little new to create besides writing for a dwindling audience I end up taking quizzes and looking up people I knew 30 years ago on the internet. At least my travels are slowly expanding again, getting as far as Staples Corner (see above picture for proof), Highgate, Staples Corner again to the shop called Staples (originally named after the demolished Staples bed factory and replaced by guess what, Staples stationary superstore, no connection), Kew retail park, Finchley, Kenton and possibly next Temple Fortune. People abroad may well think I'm describing Eldorado or Shangrila, in fact most of these places can be seen on my (linked) Flickr album and are closer to Dante's inferno than paradise, though some of Temple Fortune is better than most of London. So is Kosovo I expect, if you remove the bombs and gunfire.

My plumber who comes 20 miles here fitted a boiler opposite last week, do you think (after getting him the work) he'd come and fix my leaks afterwards? What do you think? As I said life has to meet me half way and at the moment it seems I've got a trench in front of me where all my plans fall before they get to the recipients. When even the postman appears to nick your best deal and then pretend it was never sent you can see what sort of state things are in. Even the few people who replied on friends reunited didn't follow up after I replied, including one who said he wanted to meet me, though I have no idea where he now lives. I seem like a spare part no one besides my family and people so tedious no one else will speak to them want to bother with. People who say it's so difficult to come and visit or hardly ever phone suddenly want to turn up within the hour for help and advice. Basically they appear to have no interest in me, but only what I can do for them, or they could make the effort any time. Now if possibility 3 has simply been delayed rather than deterred by my latest offer this trend may end but I see no end to it at the moment. And what the fuck are they doing with my computer?

Only because I can

Literally the only reason I'm here is because I can. While the PC is undergoing the equivalent of a full internal I am getting the same speed broadband even with this laptop with a processor a quarter of the usual speed. And it worked from the last time I set it up with no need to reset from dialup, these things are clever now. Not that I have any more to report, all I did today was phone opticians, one by one eliminating days or whether they even have one on the premises. Besides that it was chilling out, and now I'm home with the broadband connected there's half an hour before the test match to fill with this malarkey.

This week luckily very few arrangements are pencilled or penned in, a couple are imminent besides the inevitable back and forth with the PC repair (or not). I have however asked another woman out and also emailed an old friend of the family in case he's internet friendly to look at my websites. I did go to the gym and managed to replace my 15kg dumbells with 17.5 for all 3 sets this time, I am slowly continuing to add weights to all the machinery after 4 years. I look in good shape now but not big besides my arms. As it's something useful to do and I meet people I'll carry on going as long as I can afford it, though whether it actually hooks me up with a woman is almost impossible, despite one blind date of the expected variety. The house needs tidying after the decorator moved everything and with the cleaner coming tomorrow goodness knows what I'll explain as she has about as much English as I have Portuguese. Fuder, methinks.

I'd do that to her as well but I can't rock the boat, especially as they're normally married to a bandit. Meanwhile I'm making the most of the newly appreciated internet access, though I won't delay household jobs so long in future until the thing packs up. I'd literally run out of things to do within a few days without it as on my own with no places really worth going to and no job the options are reducing. Plus I just left my mobile phone somewhere but should get it back tomorrow. That has its uses but many crap calls for the rare useful ones.
So I've literally been racking my brains to think of other things to do besides the internet. Only a few little official photo trips and they are only variations on a theme. I could meditate a lot and that would probably help more than anything, and may end up doing so for lack of alternatives. That is the making of saints and the motivation is irrelevant. You just do it. But in the long term I need an aim to keep me occupied, especially as I can't always rely on computers

From getting train tickets for many years, curtailed by the removal of the small ones, to going to model car shops, to window shopping while rarely buying anything and doing crosswords in Starbucks, each becomes used up and/or boring until things run out entirely.
Every now and then I get an idea or even an outside event that starts a new thread, such as remembering people after 5 to 35 years and seeking them online. Some become email friends, many live abroad but no revivals yet, male or female. Most are out of sight deliberately, though few old friends wouldn't be welcome here if they returned. The few who do bother with me are not local and rarely come west and I even more rarely go east, though one doesn't have visitors. So we speak on the phone but little more. The old female friends who divorced never returned despite being alone, even though I suspect one would have been happy with me from what she said, but she failed most of my tests as they all did. Only reason I'm not married now. So I carry on in apparently endless circles unless and until I am diverted somewhere better. I am not expecting a lot though.

No power no control

So much work and aggravation, one bunch ends leaving me with nothing else and then another lot starts. My computer was not only fitted with an antique processor for the price of a new one but went down the second time I turned it on and is now having a major inspection. If they try and charge me for this I won’t be impressed. The cough and the paint smell have left me tired and that sealed the last of it. If you had a computer repairers miles away as they were special you’d have done hundreds of miles each time it returns and crashes, just like my neighbour’s did the previous week which fucked up all the accounts besides many of his other data, as well as my week as a result. Though I did get paid.

On the positive side all the possibilities are as likely as Macclesfield beating Chelsea in the next round of the FA cup. The 3 women are gradually reducing, the older one appears to have not a clue of my interest despite my huge implied remarks. That would seem she wasn’t interested as the idea of shagging someone 20 years her junior would leave her cold, though I wonder if the idea of shagging anyone would at her age. That leaves the woman stranded without a car. She can be a pain in the arse and am reaching the point where however attractive the rabbit would finish me off sooner or later. The reunited girlfriend hasn’t come back despite just being given my phone number so can’t care that much whether she talks to me or not. I now have my only reserve who is getting asked out shortly. I’ll report back how that goes.
The media is slightly better though the time before my next appearance is a few months away and the mobile phone one will be released the same time. If it ever reaches the proper TV I’ll be very lucky and aren’t expecting much. The Channel 4 documentary is a possibility for the future but so far only in the brainstorming stages without even a definite decision to make it. Now I get maybe 5 enquiries a year sooner or later one will end in a real TV appearance where people recognise me the next day as they did when I sneaked into Big Brother for 5 whole seconds. The power is incredible. I also had to submit my accounts to the authorities and hope they don’t disapprove of them as they are prone to, as the rules are different this year from the last one.

If, as I suspect, I have run out of philosophy, I’ll be filling my gaps here with other padding as however true some of it may be it hasn’t even made my own life any better. Knowing you’re being conned and stopping it happening are 2 different things and for instance all 3 parties agree on energy taxes so we can’t do a thing to halt the unavoidable push to the middle ages. I can almost smell the horse manure already. It is incredibly depressing knowing we are being ripped off and although just enough experts and citizens realise it none have enough power to stop it. They probably make more carbon in Iraq in a week as we do in a year as well as use that much fuel and even I have now seen going there had no effect on the world at all. Except to cost the west a shedload of taxpayers money. Hence energy taxes. They have to make excuses to get it back somehow. Losing the war in Iraq taxes don’t sound so attractive do they, so they need something enough plebs will fall for while the few with independent brains and data spot the pickpocket straight away but can do nothing to stop them. Air fuel. Not flying to Spain but troops to Iraq. And weapons cost more than kidney machines. And for what. I don’t know.

Anyway, from one depressing scenario to another, ad infinitum. In the news or at home. Each project delivers the worst possible scenario, time after time, while the few benefits I do get are the bare minimum I need to survive. Do I exaggerate? OK, I had saved when I did work to protect me from the worst, but otherwise there isn’t much to celebrate about, compared both to what I used to have and what others have. Even my friend whose wife took his kids abroad was approached within possibly seconds by another recent separatee (is that a word?) who threw herself at him. I’m struggling to remember if any woman since 1975 threw herself at me. The offers I get are the usual ones for a share (ten per cent) of 15 million dollars. And one final conclusion, effort does not equal reward. No way. My happiest times the good things were just there. I didn’t work for them in any way or plan them, they just happened. Now they don’t. Unlike the world of business, as my family believe, there’s no effort-reward formula for pleasure as there is in career. I have been to the direst collections of humanity confined to a room for an evening in the name of social events, where many of these faces, some worthy of the circus, had been going to similar events for 20 years and persisted despite being alone every time when they arrived and left. I can’t see a way of gaining anything from these places, the few organised for singles, just because other people do it. Think X Factor first auditions. The weird contestants. All visited jewish socials at some point of their lives, even if not jewish. I say jewish as no one else in London organises these things. And they attract all the types left over by society and still believe after 32 years of tri-weekly visits they’re going to meet their partners each time they go. I prefer tried and tested at least, even if they also rejected me as well. The fact I’m running out of them and maybe 3 from 100 or more were even single (as in divorced) they weren’t coming back for a second try. There’s no solution, like meditation you know what to do but the results are by grace, a religious word for at random. Probably exactly the method they use to diagnose computer problems.

Fantasy

Besides having had my computer repaired, house painted and done some gardening there's nothing to report this week. My mum said I was dwelling on the past and it's a pity I haven't got a decent present and I answered when it comes to pleasure it's down to other people and I can't control them. And it only takes one. Down to pure bloody chance who when and how. Nothing you can do beyond the first step of communicating with people and see what happens. So as the present is barely worth reporting I could fantasise to the alternatives, ie everything not happening that's positive.

Like my dreams, I could be married, being filmed in TV studios (was in an audience once in 1974 but didn't say anything), living in a huge house back in the old country (the one near Golders Green that is) or any other number of combinations. Living with someone else would be the best, then having a girlfriend up to my standards. Then having my friend back from the other side of the world. All fantasy though all totally possible as well unlike my supernatural related ones. And not a sign of them or much else happening ahead either. Sod all really. My second not TV appearance is due for February as is my 3rd Discovery Channel appearance. I hope I get the video of the second as otherwise I may well never see it unless they move it to TV eventually.

Until then I will be taking the last photos on my list which I fear will be so similar to the rest even I won't be able to tell the difference. Most of these activities come to an end as they are closed systems, like my enormous model car collection which now needs its own museum. Far too many for a little house. So it really is time for someone or something, in the theme of fantasy, to rescue me from this tedium. My old friend from the past recently reunited would be the best opportunity, she will apparently contact me again so I wait patiently. Nothing is going to happen as it may do every 10 years though I can hardly think of an example. I did meet my best girlfriend 31 years ago after being dropped by the first 7 girls at the disco I tried, but that went to pot before it became fulfilled.
Since then surprises have been of the negative nature. My mum announced her imminent departure and was gone within the minute. My friend announced they were moving thousands of miles away while the others had dropped me long since. That sort of thing. Every now and again I get a little bonus but nothing life changing. So the situation may well be a life sentence. I couldn't even pay someone I liked to share with me let alone get them in for nothing. Renting attracts drifters who are lazy and unreliable at best and major criminals at worst, and I will never do that again. Friends are all hard workers and have their own places and partners. One tenant I knew from work was the only one who became a friend (who associated with criminals though) and despite cramming a few days spending most of our time together she got a better offer and left the district. I'd have let her live here for free now but she's probably living with another criminal now anyway.

So, it carries on continually the same way and I observe it almost as an outsider. It's not a total disaster but in contrast with this past I can compare it with is as empty as a dream where you realise whatever you have isn't there once you realise you are dreaming. The fantasies are the same, though more attainable in theory, but in practice no more likely. Are there others in the same position who would do anything to hook up with someone else to remove two more people from the list? If so we are having great problems finding each other and especially on the same continent. What an abortion, as my old friend Jon would say (and being as PC as Bernard Manning's ruder brother I quite agree). Freedom of speech rules.