The analysis of success

I've been working a few things out recently, mainly that my success and lack of it is not my fault as my family claim. I put heaps of work into things when I could and the fact I haven't really had the energy to recently doesn't account for the times I did. It's not about effort but focus, like revision. You don't study by the hour but the topic, until you know it. I did as much as anyone else to get a job and women and the only reason I failed was they didn't like me as a person. It was nothing to do with putting the work in at all.

Well at least I know and when I do sod all for a few days know not to connect that with the disasters that befall me. This week I sent a few emails. Admittedly most of the last batch rolled in eventually after gentle reminders, these are from people I expect not to need gentle reminders. When other things are happening I am left till last if at all. Back to a theme I was given, both Jesus and our prime ministers are either loved or hated. I am in that group though without the status. People either get me or they don't. If that means a loving wife and a cult of a small group of devoted fans of my work that's great, it's better than being mediocre. I reckon I'd do well on Big Brother as I never argue and would do just enough housework not to be nominated for that. But I'd make the public laugh. If I carried on doing that (though Jayne was pretty similar to my humour and she was evicted) I think I'd go far. If not Big Brother I want my platform to try it.

Otherwise life's OK bar the 'appointment from hell'. For the last time a demand from anyone gets a rubber stamp from me. My health is worth more than any money and having learnt to turn down orders from friends and family I am now adding the final official demands. Even if they would give me a criminal record my health has to come first, but luckily it's not a criminal offence, just a very major act of defiance. I've got no choice but be prepared for the consequences and though I'd rather not have that to deal with if I won it would almost be worth it. But winning is the theme today. I really wonder if my string of failures recently is a coincidence or a conspiracy. Even the gaps are failures as until you win you have nothing (eg the Sky One failure). I understand miscarriages pretty well for a childless man as I said about bereavement, loss is loss. If you expect a lot and get nothing whether it's a death or a loss of your big break it's a major loss and the effect is the same. And looking at people who have suffered I see no end to it, no point or lesson, just a life of suffering. I'm waiting for evidence to the contrary but not seeing any, particularly where being a decent pesrson actually seems to push away success as it makes you more sensitive to others and not stitch people up to win.

This subject really needs me to write a book on it, as if I crack the keys to success out of necessity it won't just be me who wins. I know we can all win as we aren't running in the same directions. Each has a goal that is different so there's no competition involved. But getting that success? I did my list earlier. Business areas are easy as money is predictable, and work will get it whatever you do. If you look after it then you will succeed and few people do, but spend it assuming it's infinite. I spend it as if it's a limited resource and collect it like a squirrel, hence my success in money. Income is very finite, and that's why no one can rely on it, only make the most of what they already have. And I realise the work for money bit isn't reliable either as many factors can stop that as I discovered. But that was after some years of earning so it took a long time to catch me out and maybe I'm an extreme example, most people work far more than me full stop so maybe if I can, most people can do even better as I have problems working.

We only need a core of people around us. A partner, best friend and as many family to help us out and see socially as we are given. Without this people either suffer or pretend they don't need them. Look at animals. Experts say each species prefers living in a certain way, from alone to huge groups. Why should humans be any different? Saying someone's different and doesn't need other people is defying their nature which shouldn't be possible and probably isn't, like the women who go off sex. These are severe defence mechanisms to stop being hurt by other people and are pathological. At last I can speak with authority as I have two lines of qualifications to back this up. But I speak to these people and they say they're happy and normal. Of course the people they know accept this as they don't care, but I can see they are turned off and living life as unfeeling automatons. I wouldn't trust them either as if they can lie about this they can lie about anything, even when they don't realise they're lying. See the asexuals website, or the even worse anorexics and other self harm ones, where they compete to see who can die first (this is not a joke). Slow suicide with an audience. The worst kind of way to go. And people say I'm sick...