Tuesday updated

Updating yesterday, I'm on freedom Tuesday. Minor details prevail as usual, I took my neighbour up the road to collect his van which had the effect of partially waking me up, and had to return to let the cleaner in. I saved my latest pictures to the new CD I bought yesterday, and am now listening to saved radio programmes online before they are deleted tomorrow. A few little items are still going missing too fast for me to lose track of them. I saw a few things in my conservatory cupboard last week, went to get them today and 'poof', they've all gone. The strangest thing is everything that's gone missing was worthless. 30 year old boxes of matches I use to light my oven and incense, and I found a notepad I wanted to bring in the house and unless I left it in the garage as I tidied up last week that seems to have gone as well. Why someone with keys (very few on the list) would pop round when I'm out and take worthless things away while drawing more and more suspicion, plus dump a broken lighter in the back is a mystery. But that notebook has sentimental value and I want that back at least.

I have no obligations today and can relax, if I get out again there are a few things I can get as reserve cleaning items, and little ironmongery bits as they were closed last time and the key cutters closed yesterday before I made it there. I did play a bit of tennis as well so had a fairly active day. I have realised I will drift for the rest of my life and have absolutely no control of whether I find one of the few tiny diamonds in the swamp or just keep floating through spaces or hitting turds. I used to wonder if while things seemed really dead and dire here things I'd started off were working in the background and could happen suddenly while I thought nothing would. Rare indeed. The women I put so much effort into carry on their lives with no need to see me in them, the TV work I've done either melts into nothing or passes over the potential viewers. I have half the day left and will next look for a few of the missing items in case something less criminal happened to any of them. I have to finish a pile of essays for a postal course sooner or later and otherwise have little or no direction. A CD with a friend's photos has also vanished from my CD drawer, and could only be on my desk, which though possible doesn't seem to be under the weight of papers and seems to be yet another casualty of the 'reverse apports' which I've had all my life. If something is here one minute and gone the next, it's an apport in reverse. An apport comes from nowhere and I haven't ever had one, only two items that vanished earlier arrived in places I'd looked much later in clear view. But that was before people had my keys...

I see little and expect even less now, as I've seen the effect hope can have once compared to reality. As my book said hope is the same as drifting without a tiller. Hoping things will change is expecting the world to be created by you and not others, and it can't ever be. Admittedly the 'satisfaction quotient' I've received from women has been so poor you would assume I had the social skills of Fred West and the appearance of a bag of anuses. But even Fred West managed to get married so basically I am less desiarable than a mass murderer, as I worked out last week. I can only return to Harry Hill here and say 'I don't make the rules'.