Wednesday update

Well, the day is now almost over, and the effect like being hit over the head by a hammer by the cold germs (never used to do that but variety is clearly an element) saved me going anywhere besides a quick walk just now. Besides that the day went worse than expected. Besides a single appointment I:

Sorted out most of my cassettes
Watched some TV and listened to some radio
Sorted a few papers in a basket
A few phone calls to me, not by me

Bloody hell, that was a day that just flashed past. I may as well be dead in comparison, and no one would expect any more from me. The neighbours cat walked in until my cat tore a piece of his fur off when he dared to go upstairs. She sat by when he walked in and only decided on action when he headed for a certain place. I know a number of people like that.
Tomorrow looks identical, there's a visitor coming later and an appointment just before that and the rest is free. I forgot to do the laundry so that'll be one highlight, and the rest (had I believed) is in God's hands. I hope I'll get some shopping done and maybe a phone call or two so at least they don't become urgent, otherwise two days like this in a row could lead to my voluntary entry into an institution. Losing a 2 hour video stopped any planned activity indoors today, I received a summary of the programme but it's not a way of filling 2 hours. Tomorrow really has to be better, but running out of housework, however useful, means I've had too much time on my hands.

So slipping into my imagination I know it's actually healthy if we'd be happy in a different situation, as it means we could be happy. The fact it's impossible to get there buggers things up a bit, but at least I'm priding myself (having been told by more and more people) I have one of the most organised minds I've come across. It'll never make me happy but at least I can be depressed tidily. People do get pissed off when I pick them up on things though, as it's not always nice being shown you've made a mistake despite learning from it. They would rather not learn and not be criticised. Don't join my family then, nothing gets past them. The fault on an atomic level would be noticed by all and loudly commented on, sometimes in public, as that is how we are. So I'm not going to change such a tradition, especially as it taught me what I know. If you aren't told you'll never know, it could be missed for life if you waited to spot it yourself.

But back to my imagination, there are so many things I'd prefer to have now, many based on what I've lost which made me happy, and these include (in the order I think of them):

Routemaster buses - Austin and Morris car designs still being made (think 1100 and A 40) -
Small train tickets - Living back in a family - Living where I used to - My meditation worked the current frequency it doesn't work - My friend in America was back here - There were shops near my road (never had that) - A decent girlfriend - A local community - An easy part time job - At least one speaking appearance on terrestrial TV - A published book and newspaper article - A few more of my old friends around - Able to see auras again - Having someone else's things in my house - Know at least one celebrity and Big brother houesmate - Be able to see and hear anywhere I liked in a crystal ball (think Harry Potter) - A neighbour I could see regularly- and to end on a practical note, be able to take my old pills again which worked without side effects (technically bottom effects...).

A good scientist would add balance, I will struggle. What have I got that makes me happy?

My radio receivers - Broadband - My degree and other qualifications - My cat - My family, wherever they are- My house - My car - Just enough money to pay my bills - Tablets that just work when required - Proper meditation technique - Digital camera - Video camera (partly broken) - My online friends - My minor TV appearances -

I suspect the rest is memories. And I can't return to them any more than I can change the bad ones. And nothing on my first list is really within our power to alter. It's just like being left in a playpen. I never was but felt the pain of friends who were, even at that age. Now I get it in another way. And I know nothing I did made it deserved.