Worst case scenarios

Well, after what I'd call a relatively normal week I stayed up a wee bit too late last night and someone phoned after I'd slept about 6 hours and the shock was such I didn't get back to sleep again despite lying there for ages. Bugger. I managed to take some photos nearby so didn't chuck the whole day away, and am now fiddling about at home but expect to get a lot of housework done as there's only one hour on TV unless cable turns up some surprises.

I think reading this you can almost feel the deadness of life here at times. I've sent the required paperwork off about this bloody medical, and hope I get away with it as with all the shit I've had it would really be nice to have some time without something to upset me. I think were it not for that small detail (as I've postponed it at least) things could actually be ok simply through lack of anything to stop them being. Freedom at least is a partial reward of its own, and I realise now that work and leisure are not anything to judge yourself by. You either do what you have to or what you want to depending which it is. And when you can't you don't, but usually do something else as I am today. You don't get prizes for going out, and when I didn't value it as I wasn't working and sometimes saw it as easy, now I know nothing's easy in itself. Same as weightlifting. And even when you can get a heavy one some days you won't if you're not 100%. Take nothing for granted and judge nothing for being inadequate, it may happen to anyone at any time and I learnt the very hard way.

Stretching my mind takes place when my body gradually turns into Steven Hawking. Thank god I'll never actually go that far, or a fraction of it, but compared to how I was that's how it feels. But his mind and mine both thrive even though mine is suffering from the effects of some kind of serotonin deficiency dictated by thousands of years of inbreeding until you end up with a Woody Allen figure, all brain, nose and no sanity or peace. If I could find a way to sell my brain power without taxing my body power I would have the winning formula. Like the guru on the mountain, he sits in his chair while people ask him questions. Once he gains respect people travel from the four corners of earth to see him while all he does is tell them what he already knows. Good job but I don't think any get paid for it actually. So I am like them already, people come to me for free advice from all over the world (as many use the internet) and I sit here and give it. One is off my list though, at last. Anyone who abuses the privilege must now pay with exclusion and that has now been done.

One other thing I realised is you can't wish for luck and get it. You need plans and knowledge just to start any project, and can't expect to just be where you want as you want to be there. I was guilty of that, hoping a woman would just turn up or some good news having not worked for anything beyond the TV filmings. No damn way. If I sit and wait that's all I'll ever do, wait. Nothing will change, my friends will still be elsewhere, my income may or may not continue but will never increase, and my health will remain as it is. I'll still live in the same place (11 years in 2 weeks) and have the same neighbours like everyone else, one you talk to, a few that say hello and the rest unknown. I can change nothing, probably even by making plans, and can only work within any boundaries life provides as I always have. Each stage in life offers the next, pass one lot of exams and you do more, look for a job, buy a house, etc etc. I stopped there. No marriage, no children and then no job. But who made me like this? I didn't so I can't feel bad for how I turned out. I can't learn how to change as it's not a mental process but simply how I am and where I live and who my family are.

I can just see myself housebound hobbling between the TV and the computer, blogging about 20 year old memories and watching the neighbours from my office window. The same idiots will still phone and talk rubbish and the same friends will not phone or see me as now. The highlight of the month will be mowing the lawn, and if the cat leaves a present I'll have to call the council for a helper to come and clean it up. Meals on wheels of course, but no young family members to visit once a week and listen to me droning on about when I was their age as I'm the youngest in the family. The question is although if nothing changes I can easily see this happening, will it be in a year, 10 years or 40 years? Age appears to no longer be a consideration. My grandma is active at 96, my mother has good and bad days and I have a good day a week when I'm lucky. But from all of us they were all married till not so long ago so didn't spend any of their lives having to do everything themselves. OK, they worked, but so did I. I really need to meet a few more people like me so I don't feel so different but I may be looking for some time.

One o