Freedom

Of the mind that is. I think the blog and all its connected areas have allowed my mind to fully allow its material to run free. It pisses a few people off but hopefully it’ll be the power behind my future possible career. At least a few people here appear to be entertained by it and it can often be stretched close to its limits at work but at least I think I can now see its pattern formed.

What I’ll do with it is just what I am now. But hopefully in a more organised way. It was used in a very effective way during the last filming as I’d had some practice, and now it may never be shown. But it’s in there for any other times and ready and waiting. Otherwise each week echoes the previous in ways so close to prison life it can be frightening. And sadly the one aspect even a prison isn’t afflicted with is being alone. Irony surrounds my life in a way books and films (as well as psychiatric case histories) could be written from it indefinitely. I see associations with Woody Allen, David Baddiel, Ben Elton and Philip Roth. Except they not only worked a little harder than me in pursuit of their success, but had any success at all. If I am to join the ranks of the greats, the element of miracles is probably more important than brute hard work. As it is I still reckon most career people did the majority of their really tough work before about 30 as I did, and then lived off the fruits of their labours working within their capacities. Like me, except in my case it involves spending most days alone in front of a computer writing for maybe 50 people a day maximum. Forever possibly. OK, the rare TV appearance in front of thousands, but they won’t be my break to the big time like a proper channel. If not a million you’ll never get there. At least one is under discussion and they seem to know I exist now which is a start.

My projects are the equivalent of IVF treatment attempts. Stillborn nearly every time at great expense even if only of the time and effort type. Woman 1 has yet again abandoned me, previously with an answer every time maybe she’s run out of interest as she realised I actually wanted more than a casual friendship. I think even if I’d been castrated I would have used any power I could find to respond to her appearance. It could possibly even grow me another pair of bollocks as a result. Woman two had the message in what I would call just south of the border between hint and outright proposition. Any other reader wouldn’t have missed the atomic bomb sized clues but she has probably just thought I like her as a distant ideal of womanhood much like a statue. Fuck that for a point of view. Yes, given the chance I would marry her straight away as as long as she can put up with my lack of motivation and energy and leave me to get on with it when I can’t do much. If that was the case we could do our own things and come back to each other knowing we always had that to fall back on, or into depending the circumstances. Compare that to the reality where the highlight of the week is going to the chemist to get a packet of Diocalm. Not that I don’t already have any, but that was left by my parents and is over 20 years old. Not worth the try. Anyway, currently free tomorrow, plenty of paperwork (essays) and computer tidying to do, and the cleaner will fix the house up again following the new fridge arrival. If I could fix her up as well I’d not be moaning for a while but she’s probably married and would send the Brazilian mafia round if I raised a penis in her direction.

The last few weeks have been even more banal than expected, it seems I am drifting with no way of aiming for any remaining goal besides meditation, and the rest is just a matter of survival and avoidance of the worse chores until I have to do them. I always did before but it’s losing its energy drive and could happily go another ten years without an eye test, dental checkup and haircut. I would survive but the dentist insists and my grandma wouldn’t let me in the house soon without the haircut so I do these chores for others. My optician of maybe 15 years closed down and I have trouble trusting many others once filtering out those with no car parking facilities. It’s a real jungle in Kingsbury.