Tuesday, the final entry

No great surprises or events followed, but looking at a diary 3 years old I was aware of the identical situation then and besides small TV appearances and meeting some more celebrities literally nothing has changed in the main picture. I think in that period I must have tried maybe 3 women and been blown out by them all, except for the ones that like to visit to tell me their problems. I could tell them about my problems, but the trouble is they are the problem. Without hangers on like that who care so much about their own feelings mine don't exist at least I wouldn't have to focus on a continual rejection where a sudden ending would have been a humane result. But no, they know what I want, draw the line and continue to see me to create a strange form of torture I've only seen women capable of, though not being into men maybe it wouldn't have happened to me as such.

At least every so often I see people online who can keep up with me emotionally and intellectually, and we know we are not alone in the world, though distance means we will probably be unlikely to meet in person. Whether England turns people into selfish wankers through common experience is uncertain, but all the really caring people I meet online are from just about every country on earth besides my own. OK I have met a few decent ones online, but they probably represent an elite compared to many more elsewhere apparently. My own friends have taken the 'My family/problems are more pressing than you' and I am left with family scattered around London and hardly any social life. That is new for me. Whatever else was lacking I always had a social life. Now, like my hair the good ones have all fallen off. The hair won't come back and it feels the friends can't either. That isn't technically true as millions of people worldwide could become my friends, but none are in North London where I need them. And the woman I chatted up at the YMCA ignored me the next time I saw her, so that's another totally embarrassing scenario each time I bump into her (about twice a week). Lucky I didn't get my cock out as well.

Dark thoughts come with isolation, the devil makes more work for idle minds than hands. And even though few if any ever happened, I'm no longer really waiting for anything. Realistically there's a little TV programme next year but having been on the graveyard shift once know this will not affect my potential career. Just a bit of fun and no more. For the few hours before work tomorrow I may get to the shops again, the new fridge doesn't keep the milk as long as the old one (until I turn the wick up) so that has gone off rather than run out. I have no family or servants to do any of this, but if I was seriously rich I'd pay for a dentist and go when I need to, not when they tell me to. I'd get a barber to visit every few months to save me waiting with the local plebs, and not care about crap like council tax benefits. I would have doctors doing my bidding rather than vice versa, and get my house done up as I wouldn't have to find someone I could afford to do it. And I have learnt not to connect money with hard work. The richest people in the world will tell you work is a possible route to riches, but targeted knowledge like most areas will have the same results. And good fortune. The best deal I know of is the person like Tony Hatch who writes one good song but owns the rights to it, and earns an income for life after one good deal. He writes constantly but others only have one which they have lived off all their lives. I also knew a scene designer. He was an architect but found by painting the scenes for two films a year (6 weeks work I think) he earned the same as an architect and painted for fun the rest of the time. He was one of the best painters around but rarely seemed to care about selling them. He had millions though his wife earned well as well in her profession. But he didn't work hard at all, just focused it.

I've said it before, the hardest workers are the poorest as they all work for other people who pay so little they do endless overtime. Mugs. If your job is shit, go on benefits until you get a good one, as thank goodness benefits pay as much as minimum wage more or less once taxes and things are adjusted for. As they insist on working employers know they can employ one person for two (and pay for one) as so many idiots fall into the trap of believing it's the only way they can survive. 100 years ago this was true but we have labour laws and benefits now and there's no excuse to take one of these jobs and they wouldn't exist if people didn't. I did before my degree and learnt my lesson for life. I was 21 and couldn't imagine doing that for the rest of my life, where without qualifications you could never rise above the status of salesman, however senior. It frightened me back to college and learned since the best ways to do well are to get your income in as many ways as possible, and if one dries up the others rarely do together. And the media appears to offer equal and better rewards to the professions at a fraction of the hours. A newspaper article earns a few hundred, for maybe 1500 words. That's about an evening's work for most people. And more than I've earned in a week in my life. The competition for such a cheat of a job is phenomenal of course, so you either need a degree in journalism (makes as much difference as an art degree as far as quality of product is concerned) or a parent in the business. Talent is minimal. Anyone able to pass a degree can write way above the level of most newspaper articles, and the true requirement is a good sense of humour to write something interesting. No qualifications or family can give you that but that's all it takes to write.

I never expect to have much more money than I do now, and manage as I am. OK, I will probably inherit sooner or later but not enough to change things that much and I'd rather have everyone concerned alive and well. I was told each family has a rest generation where the person survives on the goodwill of others. My late uncle already fulfilled that but I seem to have doubled the position in my family. Maybe it was due. But in the long run it's about quality not quantity and that's my focus.