Back to zero

It seems no start has finished, a poor record even for me. Neither newspaper came back to me, maybe they've been busier writing about Barack Obama like all the others (no, I've checked), they gain an interest and lose it quicker than a 14 year old girl at a disco. It's the editor's fault rather than the reporters as they make the decision, but they are total arseholes for wasting everyone's time and then deciding it's not as interesting as they thought it would be. I have one official proposal to restore old signs going to a council meeting this time next week, which is a new start, so at least have the interest of the organization who are proposing it for me.

Last week managed to uncover two old signs in the same place, although I went on Tuesday and missed the second although on the same roundabout, and returned a few days later and found the second one. More have turned up the other side of London, up to about 4 definites now so needs another trip. But until then as it needs a weekend to avoid paying to drive there I am lost. Although I'm free for a few days there are no more plans than a tedious online course I've been saving for a time like this. Nothing else really needs doing and will have to trust tomorrow will turn something up like every day has for weeks, although I don't have a single idea left now. No more photo trips left, a voucher to spend at Marks & Spencer, which I expect will cover some of tomorrow and that's the lot.

I am working my way through the phone calls very slowly, and the TV producer says she'll contact the people that need contacting now, which is a first. Finally if anyone wants to know what I can do after 6 years at the gym try and lift a 27.5 kg dumbell. I managed eight lifts for the first time in each hand yesterday with no trouble at all. I'll be going for 30 next. If you can get to a gym and try and pick one up you'll know what 6 years work can do.

Half way there

Busy week already, and I am finding new road signs randomly after collecting all the officially known ones. Pretty good considering. I'm searching roads via the map and colouring each road I've checked, and yesterday I covered my first check and found one within a few miles relatively round the corner. One more for tomorrow.
My books arrived at last yesterday and besides a couple of blurry images which were fine on the prints looked pretty good. I'll see if anyone is interested in it now just in case as it is certainly original and took hours a day finding each one.

Sadly zero from either newspaper. How two reporters in as many days picked it up only for their editors to turn them down can only tell me someone has threatened to react adversely if it is published. I know from the numerous websites the widespread level of interest generated for old signs and the papers must know this as well. Why there would be anyone concerned with repressing efforts to now keep them beats me but whoever is taking them away clearly has some reason only known to them. But at least I'm keeping busy and any publicity not done for me by the papers will be by my own hand. Work? Surely spending time publicising causes and myself at the same time is work of sorts as it does good and raises my own profile at the same time. No money changes hands but once it does the first time will become a profession rather than a hobby.

My current policy of planning no more than a day ahead still works so I can't say any more in that way, and meanwhile no other emails have produced any sensible replies besides Transport for London who started off a very useful policy statement I can quote in future correspondence. Tomorrow is free so it's my Queens Park trip just to check the roads for signs and maybe one day a media project will actually produce a result. One road sign kept by law would do really, but the law may not even exist, I have yet to find that out. Few if any more ideas but they will come when I need them.

Seeing the truth

I have a little gap in the day like a vagina, but nowhere near as useful. So the blog has its uses while I wait in for the cleaner and then it becomes too dark to do anything else than stay indoors. My sign photography has now almost completed, unless I both find and take a set even further out in Sydenham plus two more in Dulwich on the way. It's like the Falklands. If you had to fly the same distance to Singapore it would take 20 hours or so, but the route there is a few times longer. I can travel in two directions the same distance to Sydenham in half an hour on some roads, but an hour is the minimum there with little or no holdups, and I can't do it in the week as it costs £8 to cross the bridge.

I have one trip left this weekend in Surrey at least so should provide a couple more and two newspapers are interested in the story which may finally lead to somewhere saving some for the future from removal. The book hasn't arrived though which is odd although I think they are now sent from abroad. Both newspapers have been back to me and there are many hurdles to cross before an article gets published as I well know. Until then I have been updating my sites and replying to messages.

Anyone who now still believes in global warming can see the files of data I have collected over 8 years that both provide alternative data to the predictions and lies they quote, and evidence of such a scam it makes the Nigerians look like amateurs (which of course they are as what they do only looks genuine to people with double-digit IQs). The faint whiff of fish when I first heard man blamed for something clearly not actually happening but not possible has now been traced to a huge pile of rotting marine life, with Al Gore on the top. When people in authority are caught lying (as he was 17 times in a British court) imagine the ones behind them? This is a single bulb in the earth with a forest of trees growing from it, all leading back to a single source, the lie there is/will be global warming and it's our CO2 emissions that are causing it. Now I am satisfied 100% it's as honest and caring as Hamas I hope this will filter through the greater population until enough people realise it was a false alarm and the authorities have to find a new way to extract our cash by false means. People may resent income tax, but carbon taxes? That's puppies and kittens tax until you find there are none, but like the pervert promising to show you them only a dirty old man holding his raincoat open. Probably called Al.

So, the world is a crooked place. Only the minority though. How many people run the world? A handful. They then pay others on the edge to turn nasty and keep it all going until it's spotted and then start again. One thing about this one, like the credit (actually it's debt) crunch, once people get wise to global warming then it'll be near impossible to catch them again for decades. It has to happen as truth is 3D and lies carry no substance. The time it takes to get through the twisted BS provided by IPCC, NASA and all the agencies creating the illusion has taken this long for me, with all the time and resources I have, and needs to now get through to the unknowers and believers until they know what I do. That may take some time but has to happen as the information is here now.

In my own life all is potential. Besides collecting about 50 old sign photos, I have nothing. No women, precious few available friends, and hardly any business. I am so far managing to keep occupied, and by the time I've done the next Surrey trip news may arrive from the papers. That will add thousands of times the weight to the campaign and then work getting it picked up by a national should any local decide to print. I expect I'll have to go to Sydenham sooner or later, but have done before so can manage it again. When I think of getting the train to Blackheath for my first girlfriend how things change when you're older and more tired, and transport costs price you out of the market. But at least I have plans for the spring, Oxford and if that goes well then Brighton. The ultimate aim for some time was Dublin, and hopefully that may happen like my last one did in 1998 when I went to Brussels for the day. I wanted to add my first new country since 1980 and that and Ireland were the easiest. I know it's really meaningless as countries are arbitrary, and although you can visit four in an afternoon around Switzerland I toured the USA for three weeks and only covered two including Canada. Had that been in Europe I'd have made about ten. But the countries I've visited map only registers the borders and my afternoon in Niagara falls coloured a vast patch while three to Israel only a small red gash (no comments please).

So I start with a fanny reference and a good place to end with another. It's the only fanny around me at the moment anyway.

Losing my memory

I like this colour. Today's theme is 'half way'. Every bloody route I'm on is only half way, besides getting prints of my latest photos which even our Department of Work and Pensions would have a job screwing up. Or maybe not. But as I have the originals they have unlimited goes should they end up in cyber oblivion but they are here. My two books of the same prints are a separate package and was fast asleep this morning so didn't need a ring on the door particularly to ruin it.
I am now generating some press interest for my old sign campaign, and having done a couple of interviews have heard nothing since. Nothing new there. I didn't lie, swear, ramble or make silly jokes but despite delivering what I expected them to want haven't seen any action once they had my piece. Especially as one wanted it for this week. I will see.

Besides the normal daily activities (I will never go in a shop again without appreciating it) that is the current state of play, and having done a few local photos today I am now either going to do a video request tomorrow or sit on my arse. I have 4 hours of videos from the Christmas rush when everything's being shown at once, so may as well sit back after a solid month driving around the area for sign photos. I covered Enfield again yesterday after one very odd sign was spotted by my Enfield correspondent, and found more old ones had gone since the last visit not long ago. My campaign is just at the right time if it was to have any effect as next year could already be too late. Now had I had a job like 'normal' people firstly I'd have missed a proportion of the signs I did get as many are gone since 2008, and secondly would have little time to campaign to save them. No one else has or will so in this respect I am apparently unique. So if it is a success even for one sign then I will have saved some history for Britain probably not done had I had a regular job. You don't get paid for this shit, but get a lot more than money.

It would really be nice for something decent to happen tomorrow. I am free, and have finished my photo list for this project as from this week. Well, tomorrow really as today's signs were obsolete even if younger than me. Not a sausage left outside the line of convenience (not distance but road quality), the further I go the more reason I need, so a couple of odd ones in east London remain incognito, and all east of Dulwich can remain in memory by other photographers. I am waiting for the report on Godalming and Hatfield before I risk going there again. There's a western corridor that appears totally barren since Pinewood Studios moved their entrance and pulled up a few unique examples there, I am aware of nothing between Harrow and about Bristol so however easy it is to get to Oxford and between there's nothing there for me. I want to go to Oxford in the spring though, it's been a good few years and having lived there on and off for a year has a place in my life now.

So I'm mainly pissed off at the moment as after being let down by the media since exactly a year ago when my last programme was aired on US cable, the latest experience reminds me of all the others since until something actually happens. I had a reply from one council (a BIG one) so far who say they also want to preserve old signs, although in the time they took to reply three had been removed, which I replied to their statement of theory. It didn't correspond with the reality though. I hope they respond to that as words mean nothing if they don't reflect actions.

Now if only tomorrow made some good news for a change. One or both newspapers follow me up. Someone else replies with a good result. Especially my enquiry about the mystery roundabout sign in Surrey I haven't been able to find (unless it's gone) since I saw it about November. I have a very poor response level at times, I see something and unless I make a note of it at the time forget about where it was within an hour or so. I've missed so many things that way, TV and radio programmes, other interesting locations and goodness knows what else. Or put off taking photos until something was gone as I passed it all the time. We all lose a proportion of the potential available, I see myself slip up over and over again but can't stop it happening. Once something has gone it's as if it never existed, it is seen once, the location literally wiped from my memory (it's photographic so I can see the scene but not locate it), and usually have someone with me who forgets as well. Anyone would think it was a ufo...

January 2009 part 1

Whatever else I am keeping busy. A month collecting old road signs, the book should arrive this week and then see if I can sell any. And more possible work in the pipeline for the next entry. There are no more actual signs now within convenient distance besides one vague reference in Surrey. I have two video requests to film next but need to fix the camera first. Besides that I still need to trust the world to keep providing activity as it has till now.

Otherwise it's just whatever else is happening as usual. More holes shot in the false facade of global warming with doubtless more to come. Look up Christopher Booker for the latest summary. With the media on their side/in their pocket those in charge need not worry until they give equal coverage of the true data as the waffle. Until the truth is forced out by constant reminders and repetition people just assume it's carrying on as normal. Well it's only carrying on inasmuch as it was a lie at the beginning and still is. That's all we need to know. Saying polar bears are dying off is a lie, saying the sea ice is melting is a lie unless balanced by freezing, as it does both. They had to admit average temperature is not rising but blame El Nina. Whatever the reason there's no warming, end of. Excuses why it's not warming is like discussing why my auntie hasn't any bollocks. She is a woman, women don't have bollocks, simple. So why they need to string out the fact the temperature stabilised in 1998 and fell in 2008 is like doing what I just did. They don't need to.

I will be phoning another female friend who rejected me soon through lack of other alternatives. Unless she's both changed her mind (they don't outside cliches unfortunately) and then developed a sex drive (apparently missing) the call may just revive a friendship to fill a different gap, but she really needs a good seeing to, and by me not some other bugger. As I refuse to pay, I have the prospect of never getting any again since my last regular supply found one closer to home. I was always after better but so was she so no conflict there. There are none left from the past who I dumped for aesthetic reasons I can call up now. One was married, many have been recalled till they moved on and the remaining few are so peculiar the price is too high to pay. I accept this as it's too complex to try and arrange a decent outcome. Again, the price in terms of effort, travelling, time and endless phone calls plus the initial dates (I'm nearly 50, please, first dates are for younger people) mean I'd rather do what comes naturally and easily and if women turn up there (they can anywhere) that'll provide the next supply.

The rest remains fantasy. I need an eye test, my night vision suggests another £300 may well need spending after the next result for two pairs, not counting sunglasses. Haircut as well and all the usual shit I barely notice now unless it goes badly wrong. I have an old sign still from a 2002 video coming but way in the background so the image I get from it may be illegible. Not much known ahead now as there are no photo trips known besides a loose sign in Sudbury I passed as in a rush, and the rest will be known when I get there. And that should leave more time to meditate which went a bit by the wayside as well recently.

The re

2008-9 review

I think many people tend to blog less when they're busy as although there may be more to report there's less time to do it. I've been on my old road sign project 3 weeks now and the best therapy besides sex. Having places to go and things to collect again has motivated me to go to more and more shit places like Lambeth again as I need to. And Bethnal Green which was like going to hell and back. It's all here in London, we have the best and worst districts in the country, usually next to each other. Drive from Highgate to Archway, Hampstead Garden Suburb to East Finchley and Hampstead to Kentish Town you cross from heaven to hell each time. Very odd.

Anyway, that will have gone down like a private joke to 99% of the readers but at least you can look up pictures easily to see the places. So besides that and seeing a few friends and cousin from abroad that has been about it besides each day aiming in a different direction. There are no other projects but this has been so guided as to keep turning up new material each time I thought I'd run out, with more coming over the weekend. I've collected all my life and am happiest when doing so. Besides the sex of course. The year means less as each new one arrives as besides organising what you've done in a certain period besides 2000 adding a new number doesn't really change anything else besides what's on your gravestone. I've learnt now to plan the day ahead and no more and there's no need to. Plus any plans made beyond than inevitably fall apart as so much can change by the time you get there, and it will gradually stop me worrying about it as well. Trusting it is even harder but not thinking about it is the first of the two steps.

What I'd like to happen this year never changes and so far never happens either , well not since 2002 or so. Plus the TV appearances. Many gaps on the other fronts but I no longer try and tinker with the social side as that seems out of my control and happens when it wants and not when I want. My friend won't come back from America as I want him to, my ex won't leave her boyfriend for me, and no other women will go out with me just because I like the look of them, for every possible reason from being married to hating the sight of me. I can't change that. I can't get new TV jobs either, they come to me, and even if I paint and write more than a full time job there's no reason I'll sell any of it. Just collect heaps of work like Van Gogh and if any sells I'll be long gone before it happens. But one change in 2009 is I don't give a fuck anymore. And I didn't swear before I came here and read everyone else's, so that is another liberation as I was trained not to as soon as the first 'fucking ice cream' came from my lips. I don't want that fucking ice cream! or the like, in front of my friend's mother, aunt and two young female cousins around the age of 8. It was worse than Russell Brand's latest outburst, the whole world came down on me and I kept it to myself ever since, most of the time. But never ever wrote it to stay after it had been said. Like blasphemy to me. So to those who complain this was 45 years of repressed rude words queueing up to come out like the South Park film where they could finally say what they wanted to in all the TV series. I hadn't laughed so much since my teens.

I find it's only the people who swear as punctuation who waste it, as demonstrated in the 'Shit' episode where everyone was allowed to say it there by law and the fun wore off. Every bad word needs to be saved for where it works otherwise the effect is gone. I proofread a book for my teacher once and got a shock near the end when he said 'Fuck off', precisely to demonstrate we are not who and what people assume or expect us to be. But had he not saved it till then but peppered his lectures with words as some do no one would have noticed it after ten minutes. Only Derek and Clive managed to make repeated use of two or three words funny indefinitely as they were geniuses and went to Cambridge. Everyone else has to do it carefully.

Well looking back over last year (we only get one opportunity so I may as well) the main high was my health finally improved and once my energy came back I could do many of the things I hadn't for a couple of years, not through any phobias but I wasn't well enough. It forced me to sort out my priorities and was able to turn down most invitations with no embarrassment as I had no choice and people had no chance to complain. I knew anyone who objected would drop me and it would save me finding out what they were like later on. But as I understand other's limitations they should bloody well understand mine as I don't ask them to do anything for me as so many do to me and others. That's far worse poncing off friends than turning down their wanky arrangements to go to some affair 20 miles away or go to the funeral of someone you hadn't seen for 20 years. When I'm dead I won't care who comes and when my family die I'll be focused on the loss and not who does and doesn't come to the funeral. I'd be happier not to waste the effort and have one as it doesn't bring them back.

It is true your health is the main thing as without that you can't enjoy anything else. The year was technically as sterile as a science experiment but I was more and more free to shop and travel again and now appreciate it all as I couldn't do it for so long. So I wander around Golders Green, bump into the odd person I know there (it was always the one place I could do that) and cover all the places I knew when I lived in Finchley as well. I used to think going to the shops and library were boring but now see them as social activities and talk to all the staff as you can easily get into a conversation with anyone if they are there to speak to, unlike online. Or on Big Brother. So I take full advantage of it and appreciate it as once I get home there's no one, including the cat since she died in June.

So although I know I can easily be alone for the rest of my life I don't think about it any more, I plan today and tomorrow and there's nearly always enough to do for them. And so many people have turned down my invitations I realise it's not just me, so many people pick and choose and try and dictate what we'll do and only when I started objecting realised how bloody inflexible many of them are as well. So no, I'm not that different, ask someone over when you usually go there, they either say yes and never do or turn you down flat. People are picky. I think if they just go to parties and films then they can get away with avoiding everything else whereas I am the opposite. I just want to see my friends and don't care what we do or who turns up to my death. They may go for surface appearance but going to someone's wedding you barely see or know or seeing a friend all the time and not going to their wedding seems very clear to me which is better but not to many others. Yet.
Have a good 2009, except the anon person who I reckon would probably support Hamas. It all comes in the same package, just look at Ken Livingstone for a perfect example. That is good riddance to the worst rubbish, he did to London what Castro did to Cuba and he was actually voted in to do it twice. People are morons.

Updating time

Not here for a while as I've found a new albeit short lived hobby. I hadn't been able to collect train tickets since the last small ones stopped in 1996 and besides taking photos didn't have actual items to collect besides model cars which cost a fortune and take up room. But when I found the pre-1963 signs we still have some of in London had been slowly vanishing recently I realised I had to get pictures of every one I could as the government are the enemy. I've spent the time at home researching locations and of course each lot I get is a bit further away so did 60 miles altogether on Friday for the cause. I think they've run out but each day I find another so far and long may it last.

The two women who called me on Friends Reunited are around, one not since then but the other (married...) is back and really wonder how I get the unattainable ones like her although I am well aware marriage in itself is not always a barrier to availability, but usually is to me. And I have looked at every aspect of my being, appearance and personality, and seen nothing particular that would put everyone off simply as I see many worse do perfectly well, plus I have as well in the past. Partly it may be because I treat women nicely it may put some off as they like men to dominate them, plus it also seems to put any off as soon as I fancy them, and attract ones I wouldn't touch with yours who won't leave me alone. That is what seems to do it, the man who doesn't behave differently when they fancy a woman doesn't exist, it's just they either learn to make it work for them or are so attractive the women take no notice what they actually do as they are just waiting to be swept off to bed. We normal guys get mostly the left overs and left behinds, although some women settle for a normal guy after dating the desirable ones long enough to get the shallowness factor out of their system. I learnt with my first girlfriend if there's nothing to talk about after then it doesn't matter how attractive they are they can't be any more than physical.

So more signs await in the forseeable week, Christmas made no difference to my photography as there was no traffic so took full advantage. I saw the family in the evening so covered both bases. Other than that it's business as usual, still getting screwed or ignored by the people that matter but it's in the background now. People promising what they won't deliver, lying, stealing, you name it. But that's human nature at the bottom of the heap and we just have to live with it. And I just heard (you know who you are) not just the EU is imposing blanket carbon taxes on everyone but so is Australia. You see there are two ways to raise tax. Honestly and dishonestly. So income tax is direct and open and people hate it. So they cut income tax but still need the money so have to think of more and more elaborate ways to get us to both pay it and not vote them out as a result. Collusion wins the day now, with governments and parties agreeing on policies so similar you can't vote against anything as they all offer the same. Secondly is false accounting, saying they need it for something which looks like a good cause (eg the child's operation, the flight to the UK and the gold bars offered by our African brothers). The fact the result is identical, ie robbery, seems to be lost on nearly everyone except the intelligent minority who only have the power of the internet to share the truth.

I'm amazed watching TV and listening to similar personal stories how the African gangs take our money so easily with no questions. They pretend to be women, say they love you and then start asking for money, and people pay it? They deserve to lose it, but the rest of us don't. Taxation is never optional and if Al Gore and the rest of them want to invent a different reason to collect income tax we may fall for then it's a done deal. Our atmosphere can and has coped with ten times the CO2 we have now with no trouble (a few hundred parts per million is not the same as if it had been cyanide) and plants love it unlike carbon monoxide which we are not taxed for. But no, tell the people it's as dangerous as curry farts and they say 'Here's some more then'. They are the same as the ones who donate thousands to Ghanaian gangs and basically trust everyone except the ones who are telling the truth as they are either not in authority or offering them sex (which they never get as they piss off as soon as they collect their cash), and the governments exploit the gullibility to feed them more and more fairy stories and cow cakes while they think they'll be given sainthoods for saving the fucking planet. I hope to goodness the lunatics don't end up taking over the asylum but it's the closest it's ever been. God help those of us who actually care.

Keeping busy again

Before I get into my stuff I just heard the latest unemployment figures on the news. Up of course as you'd expect. Now coinciding with the new blitz on benefit claimants, the government have declared war. Not only have they attacked those least able to defend themselves, the sick and incapable, they have done it when the job market is shrinkig drastically. I don't like revenge but believe if someone has to suffer what they do to others it is more like a lesson, or karma. So if Gordon Brown got kicked out, had a breakdown and then had to do tests written by him to claim benefits he may realise what he's actually done. And he knows what he can do with the 2.5% (temporary) VAT decrease. We are being run by heartless sods of all colours politically and would be far better off without them at all. Except possibly Boris Johnson who is moving towards the decent side. There's always one in every pack thank goodness.

I've been chasing up old road signs over a week now, and got 30 different ones now. A few had gone too soon for me to find them, but got the majority and am now left with a final set in the bloody congestion charge area, meaning I either go at the weekend or pay. If I wait till it gets dark after 7 some may no longer be there so that's not an option. But I've done well but wondering what will come next to keep me busy. And weirdly although I've never been contacted first on Friends Reunited in 8 years I was at the weekend, and guess what, twice in the same day! So no one ever contacted me and then two did together. Usually happens to me and many others, far too organised to be random in my opinion.
So besides a trip to Holborn which would have been easier in the summer when I could go after 6 I have got a great collection of rare signs but little left to do now. Things usually turn up, just now when the one TV programme of the evening finished they had a topic about meeting people online on the radio so I called about that. I hope that trend continues.

I'm still learning all sorts of things about human nature, how easy it is to con the public as most believe whatever they're told, and the nature of the evil who carry out these cons. Patterns are everywhere and people can be sorted into types in all aspects. Youtube demonstrates the polar aspects of this as people have no inhibitions, and unlike here there is no pre-moderation so they can and do hit and run. Like schizophrenics who tell me the same voices tell them the same things all these guys seem to be possessed by the same evil but from an inner source. I am learning to deal with them as well as they are the same people who blow up innocent people in India and Iraq but only do what they think they can get away with. One threw a rock at me once on a station platform and many make rude comments while I'm taking photos. All from the single mould of pure evil. Anyone who remembers the last idiot here in my comments box will have seen an example as well. And that was the tip of the iceberg as you can imagine. Most people wouldn't dream of going up to someone either in public, in their house or online and call them names but here it's easy. The relative few who do it are the same who gassed Jews in concentration camps, broke their windows before the last war, and drive with mobile phones in their hands. Big, small, the crime is the same. It is born of evil and expresses itself in the same way however large the offence. The attitude however is the same.

On balance good is there as well, and animals are nearly all good before you start on humans. A rogue animal is rare and if you treat them well they treat you well. People could learn a lot but I fear some are intrinsically unable to understand other people matter so can never be corrected to learn. They call it levels of psychopathy, and the variation is how far they are prepared to go. But the good people are seemingly unable to cross that barrier whatever happens so you can normally rely on them as you can on your pets. But I'd always be more inclined to lend a cat money than a person if you get my meaning. There are far more shades of grey in humanity though.
So the next few days remain a mystery. One photo trip fucked by financial considerations and darkness. And the traffic is just as bad there as it was before from what the reports say. So I'd have to pay somehow (no idea where or what I have to do) and then suffer the jams I haven't experienced since early 2003. OK I'll be glad when I've done it (besides having run out of places to go) but it would be a lot nicer if I could just do it like all the others.

Well a bit of everything today, a week's activities which took me from Enfield to Banstead. But none a patch on the hassle the Holborn one presents to be. Maybe I am wrong but time will tell.

Old road sign collections

Willesden Lane sign
Originally uploaded by satguru.

I have been tracking down and taking these pre 1963 signs as my latest project before they all go, which has provided a fascinating lesson into road history and geography as a result. In 1963 these were replaced by the new ones designed by Worboys, but I remember them as the norm well into the 70s and plenty still exist. In 1994 the local ones which had blue edges became black and strangely fewer exist and are filthy as you can see.

I also saw my second red triangle sign and forgot where, the first being on the corner of my old road and pretty sure I forgot to take it, and also forgot where the new one was although have a vague idea. I'll have to wait a week as it was in Surrey. I've got quite a collection now and half aren't on any other sites either.

In other business after being discredited last week, EON UK announced they couldn't drop prices when wholesale energy went down as the government forced them to spend it on fucking wind power. Literally money up in smoke there as if it was that simple we'd all keep our lights on by lighting our farts and keeping the windows open for a draught. Or something like that. OK, that looks stupid, but it's exactly as stupid as relying on wind power. Meanwhile almost each week new evidence arises disproving any human effect on potential global warming (it's cooled since 1998 remember), how many holes this Leviathan has to get in it before it sinks beats me, but they all need to be made until enough people realise it's fiction.
Plans this week, guess what. Taking more old road signs. I've been doing rail bridges as well and got some bloody good trains and arch bridges, as well as numerous parks which are often next to them. And guess what, from the large heap of messages I sent last month one has replied! Better than nothing, and makes me wonder what hopeless bastards the other people can be as if I actually know someone I learnt as a child to reply when I was spoken to. Too much for them clearly after deliberately announcing their presence on a website like a beacon.

The photos will keep me busy all week now, plus my second repeat work booking so business as boring usual. It's a start but will not actually get me any Nobel prizes or other recognition besides as an anorak but at least that's who I am, and I do it bloody well I think.

Friends old and new.

I'm still working my way round new scenes, a park nearby I saw online on Monday for the first time was the venue for yesterday and a bus in Southgate today. I've had two bunches of calls for work enquiries and one actually booked and he hasn't called since. I had a set of accounts to do over the weekend so slightly busier on the work front but that pays peanuts. But better than nothing. I've continued sending messages to people with a complete lack of results, fancy that. I can't find the list of women I was going to try on the dating site (usual occurence here) but keep looking for new ones. You never know. Just for the curious the main focus of my own social life for years now has literally been the YMCA. It took (like most places here) ages before I even spoke to anyone in the gym where I spend most of the time, the cafe everyone keeps to themselves and at least they've had the odd party there where I chatted to one woman and danced with another older than my mother (apparently). I also had a blind date from hell set up with a member which I described at the time. The social side is extra as it's mainly gym related but I've no idea if others have managed more than I have. But I don't hide away like some people think.

Besides there I did work my way through my mum's Polish cleaners (many far higher qualified than me), but got no more than vague discussions of arrangements and no further. She's also introduced me to a few women who were (apart from her friend) disaster areas, but her friend is nearly as old as her and not up for any funny business. Of course there's always the old standby, funerals. I've asked one woman out from one (no), and had one ask me out (no way!). There's little else to do once the service is over and everyone's back at the house eating. It's at least a way to keep in touch with the relatives who forget we're alive till someone else dies, and then forget again till the next one. My favourite local cousin died young about 20 years ago and the other is American. I've been to see him there once but he comes here every few years since I was born. And he shares my dirty mind which is an added benefit. But with only one (late) uncle all my cousins are my parents' ones as my uncle had no children. I have at least 100 second cousins worldwide from up the road (almost) to Australia but never really had a lot in common with them. As soon as they were old enough to go out on their own we only saw them at weddings and funerals and besides being related may as well have met them on the bus. Tragic really.

I could never think of any reason to drift away from any of my long term friends, besides when they move away, but a few chose to drift away from me for whatever reasons. Fair enough, I did better than most with nearly all my friends being met before I was 17 besides one who also drifted off since. I don't think most people average 20-30 years for most of theirs but I always have. That's another reason I look from the past as even if just one old friend wanted to get involved again it would take the chance element out of the equation. The character from Crouch End clearly got fed up so can't see him bothering although I only have a rough idea where his brother is since they left the area and none about him. One who went back to Holland in the 70s for reasons unknown didn't keep in touch as of course he knew where I was but not vice versa. He was another character and very entertaining. Jacob as described before was run over and killed long before anything could be revived here. Another one ended up a career criminal and vanished once he'd done his last stretch and got married (and then divorced). We went back to 1965 and had looked after me till he buggered off to his new life of crime some 20 years later. He followed me through three schools and regularly bought my lunch (he just did that sort of thing) although it turned out later he'd probably nicked a lot of the money he spread around on other people. Easy come easy go. But he didn't do it to his friends, only made up stories to get me in trouble sometimes but nobody's perfect.

Then there were the people who weren't friends but the class comedians. Maybe if I name a few here someone will find them. I've had it happen before actually although one had a very unusual name, and sadly another death but at least I know everything about her life now. Malcolm Cohen was a Scottish eccentric who'd moved to London and loved to show off 'my father's a lawyer you know' was the main routine (although both my parents are, his were millionaires). He was the class comedian when I was off duty, and could sing and do improvised comedy like a professional or nutcase, depending on your point of view. But bloody hilarious. But there are thousands of people with the same name including a couple where he used to live so that's a dead end. Then a name few could confuse with another, Neil Ralph Dourmashkin. He loved the name so much he'd go around shouting it out at break and was another albeit more anarchic entertainer. He's probably in insurance now with a few kids. Most go that way. Then there was the 'Jewish brigade' at primary school. Not because they were as most of us were, but because they'd kept the names my family and so many others had rejected, and sounded like a roll call in The Bronx. Berger, Berglas, Portnoy, Rappaport, Goodman, Rifkin, Levene, Cohn, which are like music to my ears when reminded whenever I hear them now. I hope more people hang on to their European names as it's an identity lost when each is lost to an English version or worse still something randomly chosen. Cohen for Horsebox as a comedian pointed out.

Well now I know if anyone googles Neil Dourmashkin my blog will turn up as probably the sole hit. The number of times I've googled something to find the only reference was my own when looking for them initially. I think the whole of life seems to be doing that to me for some reason, like the oozlum bird, eventually disappearing up my own fundament (arsehole to you). God forbid.

It's Monday again

Besides a slow but steady stream of facts about global warming (there isn't any), nothing much has happened for a while. In fact the whole year has been the year of non events and disappointments. No new media work, most emails ignored and hardly any other work (that is expendable though due to certain legal restrictions). I really see a war between good and evil, or truth and lies in this global warming bullshit. The two sides provide opposite data, but both can't be right. The actual climate is shit as usul and 40,000 people in this country are expected to die this winter from the cold (they don't usually die from heat) this year and they want us to try and stop it getting less cold (like it was actually possible). But the fact the truth has to win as it displaces lies, like CO2 displaces water vapour, means they can't keep it up for ever but they'll bloody well try.



My plans for the week run out after tomorrow. Nothing besides putting stuff in my new (old) desk, finishing the accounts and making more phone calls. It gets too dark for photos around 3 now and will for 6 more weeks so photography may be taken over by daytime TV. Not that there's a lot left to take, a few stations in Tottenham and I can't think of any more. There's a dating group on Facebook I'm working my way through now but no replies so far. And two last resorts to call from my recent past as no one else left. It's a bit like my school library after I'd read all the interesting books and they haven't got any more since the war. Or maybe when I was born. I was also reminded of another older woman I was after a few years ago when I bumped into her friend in a shop, and besides being 100 miles away the whole time now (she had two houses) is still with the man who stopped her getting it on with me although it was pretty obvious she wanted to. One more down the drain as per. She said I should phone her, which will produce absolutely zero but maybe she'll be reminded what she's missing.



Well if a picture tells 100 words here are some of my weekend south of the river:





Thames Ditton and Putney

Life playing God

I've been unusually busy today. Wednesdays are usually free as today was, and having shlepped to Wood Green yesterday (it's a shlep from even a mile away) didn't have to go anywhere special today if at all. As it was it was sunny so went to Kensal Rise nearby for another bus photo, and with my stool got over another railway bridge to see the view from there. Then shopping in Golders Green to return home to clear an old set of drawers in readiness for a desk I'm being given on Friday. One whole box of crap now binned I'm glad to say. Then I fixed my bike tyre (as not a puncture) and went to the supermarket with a hard back tyre for the first time in weeks.



I've started sending the NASA global warming (negative) findings out already, first to a local MP and called the radio but didn't get on. If we don't spread this data when we find it people will assume it isn't there. The BBC or regular papers all steered clear of this bombshell at the time and I was very lucky to find the item at all myself. The others can all be doubted by the globally religious types, but am wondering how they'll twist this one to claim it makes no actual difference to their evil satan of CO2. There have always been with hunts, as stated on the radio today. There are in Nigeria and by one good speaker thousands of naive people believe it and torture children as a result, as demonstrated on an hour long TV programme last week. People love an imaginary enemy and like God, the devil and spirits CO2 can't be seen or heard but believed in. From allowing plant growth and keeping our oxygen balance in our blood, it has turned into the 21st century version of Hitler, condemned worldwide for numerous crimes against humanity, except, unlike Hitler, it is not guilty. You have leaders who know they are lying and followers who either think they aren't, or are getting something out of it. This is the worst example I've ever come across and am terrified if enough people don't wake up sooner or later we'll be stitched up as well as if Hitler had won the war. No blood shed but loss of freedom and cash at alarming rates. It's impossible to see it happen and not speak out against it or I will be as bad as they are.



On other business, tomorrow is free again, I hope to get some phone calls out of the way and maybe a couple of sales visits. I suspect my inability to go out has put off all but the most hardened lonely gits from calling me any more, and friends like that are clearly not worth it. I value the person not the activity and when my friend came from America after 3 years away for a week it was like someone had returned from the dead. People mean more to me than anything else, and could never drop someone for their lack of activity. It took me 40 years to collect those friends, it's not going to be easy to find any new ones. So I keep as busy as I can but rarely with anyone else. We can all see people we find boring if we wanted to but they hold me back and am used to being on my own and keeping busy. Looking for interesting people from the past is fascinating but unlikely to get back people who dropped you already as I've discovered. All the usual crap that happens to everyone else carries on, including a parking ticket for parking where they claim it had been suspended. Telling them the bay was in use and no signs were up made no difference as it's so easy to add extra money by tricking people, plus I asked the warden if it was OK when she was looking at my car and she said it was. Yes, OK for her to add to her collection of souls for the month.



These happen to us all the whole time but are a lot easier when shared. You can't avoid getting into trouble, and they have made roads the equivalent of a Monopoly board where they collect money round every corner. I do my best not to get fined but you can't own a car and not do. Even my mother who was a judge got a ticket, although it was refunded. My father gets even more and he was a lawyer who drafted statutes for the government but still can't decipher the deliberately obscure parking notices. These are the people they feed on. Drug users and vandals get a caution, decent people with no criminal record get (and pay) unwarranted fines. If they get them they either haven't registered the cars so needn't pay them, the cars are worth so little they let them take them in lieu of a fine, or just trust they won't have to pay them as they have no money. Just watch the police documentaries if you want to see it.

I really accept and understand now I can't keep a clean record any more. They can't prosecute me for anything I've done as I won't do anything illegal, but besides that I've realised I can't maintain any type of defence against other black marks as it's unavoidable. I've dodged trouble all my life but only delayed the event. Now I'm resigned to accepting any that comes my way and hopefully bounce back quickly when it happens as it has to.



It is strange that as I see more and more how rare and possibly impossible good random events are, but how unavoidable bad ones are. Destruction takes seconds, contruction takes time and skill. I do see many of these as tests as one by one I'm given situations to stop me caring about them as I did before. It can ruin your life and although I stopped being rejected by women bothering me as a teenager as it was necessary to, being in trouble with the authorities has always been a sore point with me as I was brought up not to be. I am in professions which are not meant to misbehave, law and therapy, and that makes me even more sensitive to appearing to be 'on the other side'. Now I must stop giving a fuck. If it takes a parking ticket and various other relatively harmless situations to teach me that then I've done fairly well. It forces me to realise these reactions are there and then get rid of them, but rather than any reward I just get more lessons, and plenty of other crap where I can't see any lesson at all. Most people are too busy working and bringing up their families to care about all this shit, but having neither I suppose it allowed me to think about things others are too busy to. I get fuck all thanks for it most of the time though, but then again neither did Jesus... (note the John Lennon reference there?).

Where's heaven?

Well I've managed to keep on my travels, driven by the desire to collect, this time bus numbers. Not my idea but a logical one to get a photo of them all. After 3 years on the road with a digital camera and no holidays or interest in them I need places to keep taking them. I got a good bunch today anyway so used the short period of time the light was there when I could.

I was also sent a link to 'The Australian' newspaper, that mentioned back in March that NASA discovered water vapour reduces as CO2 increases, cancelling out its effects. That got reported and responded to widely didn't it. My arse. Yet again it's me and anyone who can be bothered to join me who will be reporting this. Can you imagine the left wing Arab loving BBC announcing this on the 10 O'Clock news as a headline? "NASA discover CO2 in the atmosphere is cancelled by falling water vapour?". The fact it's true and fucks up the total basis of man made emissions causing global warming (which stopped in 1998, much to the confusion of the green lobby who predicted a steady rise in response to CO2 rises). That was dismissed by other sites who showed both CO2 responds to warming rather than causing it, and the levels we have are not able to trap heat either. Now we can prove it.

Faced by contrary evidence how many scientists accept the new findings? We will see.

Besides that little bombshell that was hidden from us until I was lucky enough to find it life is more or less usual as it has been. No events, no results and no changes. Now the only exception is my dreams. Everything happens there. There are no limits on good or bad of course, especially as all damage is reversible on waking, but the massive swings to the good side show something that has only entered any of our lives fleetingly. I meet all the people I need to meet, events happen the way they should, and I suppose it's basically saying I am being given glimpses of heaven. If there was a consistent place like that then it would be well worth the effort to get there, but even the fact we are allowed to visit in dreams means it's not reserved for the dead.
Elements do cross over into life but the dreadful but accurate term 'grace' describes the random times when they do, so the spiritual path is the single planned indirect way to heaven on earth. I stop short of joining the new online ashram as I believe my current path is adequate and spending time chanting and other nonsense may well do the job as well but by far from the only one.

I also believe (and I was there) that the hippy movement hooked into this, however they got there. That's where my roots remain and why they do. The art alone shows levels beyond any before them, and nothing like it since. Peter Max is a good place to start if you want some examples. I can describe most elements of this level very simply, and none are a surprise, combine the right environment with the right people, tweak a few of the edges and give them a few extras and you're nearly there already. It was described by myself, and confirmed in 'The Secret Garden' as 'magic', which is the element of life where it crosses to heaven. Once you've recognised this you are generally reminded of its absence from your life, which makes for a constant level of dissatisfaction. And it would be a surprise if not. We gravitate to pleasure so when all we have is the memory of it something objects. And you can't go and look for it, it comes and goes, all you can do is meditate and hope.

I have a free week ahead so far, I hope the magic comes in as a result.

Have I got anywhere?

Being on a hamster wheel means you do a lot but get nowhere. OK, I have helped a couple of others this week which counted for them, but my own activities just provided more photos of new bus routes and stations. I may well advertise for a woman again, having realised I can specify where I want to go out as well as who I want. You get replies from people who are interested anyway, not who you want. Just say nothing about them as people from around the world will reply regardless as well as all ages and other variations. You just eliminate all the dross first time round and then deal with what's left. Internet ads don't work for men, and newspaper ones vary depending where you advertise, but can produce a flood of calls. None got me anyone but spend days on the phone saying the same things to each person, met one I liked first, saw her again, got dumped and as the others weren't as nice let them go.

I will mention I'm not reading as many blogs as I used to for one main reason, as soon as I link one sooner or later it's taken offline. Where does it all go? If I stopped blogging (when I die) I'd never delete all my work. What a total waste. So people I've got to know and interested in just vanish and are gone as if they were in a dream. It takes time to replace with equal standard so am getting fed up with the effort involved. I will also admit (like I hide it) I'd be the happiest person around if a newspaper printed something from here, as many do randomly. Fame is in my DNA and don't give a damn how I get it. It's the benefits I want and the route is irrelevant. Unlike Paris Hilton I did learn piano for 10 years, had guitar lessons, a few years drama classes and used to write and put on plays at school. All that slowed down during my studies but the impulse never left. So now I have the time but not the union card I can't do it the normal way so need UFOs, blogs or anything else I can squeak into the business with as I'm not able to go for auditions like the pros.

I have worked my way through more little jobs including a couple of work bookings for the first time in over a month. More next week and some have proved less straightforward than expected. Crooks, liars, cheats and useless sods all make life busier than it needs to be but will always be part of it. The buttheads that let me sell my postcards in their cafe and then let them all be pinched (including the box) meant I was paid in full even though they didn't get it. Their fault, my profit. But I'd never put them there again. I'd rather have waited and got the money properly and then done some more but it had to be complicated.
Needless to say every business and pleasure message sent has been blanket ignored, like written in invisible ink. The reaction of women to my emails is presumably either total ignorance of who I am or far worse complete disgust. I was a pain when I was a teenager but got it out of my system. I was tactless, crude and not much of a gentleman. The ones who understood me got my good side and never minded when I showed the other, but many kept well away and fair enough. But I know none of the people back then are likely to be the same as they were as we've all grown up, except the one who everyone I know is currently avoiding although I always enjoyed his total lunacy. He's actually a very nice guy but has no boundaries. A bit like looking in a magnifying mirror...

Well hope is a word only in a dictionary as far as I'm concerned. Gone for me. No reason for anything to improve, the TV programme is invested in so is in their interest not mine to fix up, but otherwise I've planted dates in the arctic. I will continue to collect pictures of public transport, houses, signposts and other local minutiae, and keep looking up old girlfriends until it's in the obituary notices. Two down that road already so no doubt more will follow, plus one of my best friends till he left for boarding school. The aliens continue to send the world's channelers messages and keep me entertained but besides scientific and historical data they refuse to show themselves in person. Better than smoking or taking drugs though. Only our minds get screwed with.

Various points

Nothing known to report really, but one point is I've worked out here from presenting my ideas and the feedback that there is nothing wrong with my sanity. Different, yes. Insane, no. Just too sensitive, but that's hardly grounds for certification. That out of the way, what else?

I have certainly had to live within the clear boundaries of the mediocre and mundane. All around the middle, no highs. None. Not for ages. So of course if people can tell then that's the reason why. Less than anyone's fair share. And whatever work I'm not doing now to 'earn it' (old and wrong idea for a start) I have in the past and built up plenty of credit if that scenario was true. I may try another ad for a woman, purely as I will also list my own limitations so it doesn't create a problem waiting to happen. Restaurants are compared to torture chambers and cinemas being buried alive. I have been hundreds of times but have lost the will for some time. Partly I did all this so much (although never enjoyed restaurants) it finished me off, a bit like travelling. Everything I need is here. Travel 10, 20, 50 miles and you just see the same thing over and over again. My suburb, their suburb, another mall etc. Big deal. Just avoid the area codes in London starting with an E and you'll be OK. You know it makes sense.

So within the mediocrity I write trivia quizzes (including a record breaker, 1200 plays in a week), take endless photos (even almost in the dark till next March), do the usual rounds of the family and start again at the beginning. Plus the gym. I really wonder if anything interesting can ever happen, let alone will. The latest person I emailed from the past is beyond the bottom of the barrel. Same name, probably the same person, and no doubt have forgotten me. None have replied so far either, and when I hear from others how they get a message from the past and think 'Oh my god, no way!' and delete it then that's what these fuckers are doing with me. Nice. Whether advertising (again) will be even more of a waste of effort remains to be seen. I've had more trouble from persistent women who won't take no for an answer than those who see me once and run. At least that's one evening tops down the toilet. But when they phone and think because I advertised they have the right to insist on a relationship because they want one is a bloody pain. And never the right one since about 1972. Unless I missed one.

The activities of last week, although slightly productive in that some jobs were eliminated, are not worth remembering let alone reporting. They got me nowhere. Not so many left this week at least, and unlike many times in the past there aren't any old projects I've started that are waiting for results. All gone. No new ones. Just the routine as described above. So I watch people who claim to be aliens, enlightened, talking to aliens and the like as it's better than the shite on TV and easier than reading. I've worked on enlightenment 11 years now since my first lecture, and as far as I know although I now know what they're on about, haven't felt a thing. Well I felt something go different for a second when doing a mantra recently but goodness knows what that was. I think that second was it over 11 years. Now either I am going to become enlightened suddenly with no prior changes, or I'm not going there, so far. Others seem to, and can only trust them. You have to learn the way to discriminate between people talking about the subjective and sort the real from the unreal. We can literally only use intuition as we can't know what others are feeling. Catch 22. If it happened to me I wouldn't care what people thought and would probably not bother to mention it outside that community. Who cares? More so, who understands? They usually can't get meditation, so enlightenment is like another dimension to them. Fine, I'm not doing it for anyone else. My qualifications were for other people, I can't impress myself with them or pay myself, it's so I get money and respect. What else are they for? Getting any degree, even a PhD, does not equal happiness. It helps indirectly but most people I know with a much better hand of cards than me are no happier than those with none.

Well I can only report what is, and add (I'm sure you won't mind) what diver said in his blog, as a fellow agoraphobic. He has both travelled to Egypt and spent a few days on a long road trip, but is still agoraphobic. It's not what we can or can't do, but how we feel being made to do it. Hopefully the ignorant of you who send evil comments may learn something from meeting real agoraphobics instead of quoting a fucking dictionary at me. End of.

Filling the space

The obvious subject is what I've been doing but it is such a routine I ought to just say 'see last week' etc. The details of what I'm now doing will sound so trivial I may as well pass over them and see what else can be extracted from a mind which has been emptied of material over the period of writing here, and has apparently not changed, at least not from this side. Not that anyone else does very often, but I do work on it for various reasons and for the critics who would like to see changes will add these are for how I feel, not for how it is presented to others. That suits me fine and people who don't like it just don't like me.

I've been reading more channeled material now I've got the website, and sadly how both the readers and producer of this and nearly all other channeling I've read don't spot they are actually saying nothing new and often nothing at all I'll never know. Having said that the only exceptions so far are my own alien abductees as they give solid facts I can check up, and I was asked to have a go myself which seemed to work. But they all say the opposite of the popular contacts, that they will not be revealing themselves or anything else in the near future, and that does correspond with reality.

On the other hand we have our intuition, which tells us things we know are true with little evidence, and often discover are when evidence arrives. That of course improves with practice and although for instance the contrary data on global warming is arriving regularly I could sense it was all a scam very quickly before this did. It always works for evil people as well, two I picked lied, stole and cheated it turned out, before and after I met them. The second, an associate of the first, struck me as pure filth the minute I met him and my friend who did know him confirmed it. Luckily I have recently been able to use it for good as well, and done the same very quickly for a few very special people and as far as I know am correct. It's harder to confirm a positive than a negative as it's easier to let people down when you start off good. I should know, there is a growing line of examples.
On the other hand, taking my core teachings (advaita), all this is within the duality and only a part of a game or dream once you merge with all that is. Till then it's very real so I may as well keep writing about it. But my own intuition now tells me the teaching is correct so can see the activity is something on the surface of what is very peaceful underneath. That escapes polarity, feeling happy or sad is temporary and swings quickly or slowly whatever we do. The singularity, the constant peace behind it, is the place us students aim for, for the obvious reason is it has to be better than the alternative.
I did have to take this on trust for a long time, and technically still do, as I've never felt it, but can now recognise it in some others so am beginning to relate to it indirectly. It has shifted from a mystery only told by others to something I can sense. Progress I hope.

So within the existing duality the routine continues, reminding me very much of the dire period between O and A levels when I was free and alone, so the freedom was almost totally wasted on me. And back then at 16 I didn't have the resources and ideas I have now so was even worse. But not having a clue when it will change is the worst part, as it's like the sun hasn't come out for ages and maybe never will again. I do the starts but others do the finishes, and many come all from outside as well rather than me having any part in making them happen. I've analysed it in every way I can and can see no other conclusion.

Not quite lost for words

Looking back on the week it was really the next of many of keeping busy. I keep busy but get nothing really. More photos, more messages left and not a single reply. I suppose I can keep this routine up indefinitely, but is only filling time. And it only takes one person to fix it. I keep being reminded that of course you can't rely on the world outside for anything, which forced me on the spiritual path, but there is a long, possible never ending overlap between starting it and being it, and in that time of course you know the nature of the outside world but are still affected by it. Not a good formula.

I don't really dare to mention plans for next week as it may make people feel the same as it does actually being there. I found the London Bus group is waiting for a bus near me I didn't have or even know existed, so will be waiting around, probably in the rain, in Wembley until either I see it or get fed up. When all else runs out I'll be checking up on my little business items that have been hanging around for a while, and that is probably all. How ever person I've contacted hasn't replied has just added to the general lack of any interest, and will probably be scraping even further in the barrel when I think of some more poor sods who thought they'd never hear from me again. They do it to me though so only fair to keep the chain going. I am told you lose touch with people for good reasons but I have little else to keep me occupied.

Well I am sorry to bear the sort of depressing news again but only reporting what actually is. Seeing Harrow on the Hill station again after nearly 20 years was a little reunion with my past, but when that's the most interesting event in a week or more then I repeat my last apology. I did also have to listen to reports of my grandma's out of control bladder, including the usual times and places. OK, it's probably the nearest thing she has to excitement at her time of life, but had she been 30 years younger I'm sure she'd still have told us. I suppose in a way I take after her, except I can edit out a certain layer of minutiae below that which not a soul would want to hear.

I also see the world, at least this quarter, apparently settling down after the banks were baled out and Obama got in. That's a slow fuse I suspect, as unless America has suddenly decided to swing to the left they may not realise what they've let themselves in for. If they go wet the world won't stand a chance. All the savers are now earning almost sod all now interest rates are sending many retired people into poverty. That shows the priorities of politicians worldwide. Look after the plebs and they will look after you. Sod those few who worked and saved and now need that money, favour the young and stupid who have borrowed far too much and then let them do it all over again by making it easy. Bastards.
I also discovered (not reported by our lot) that Alaskan glaciers are growing after 200 years of retreat. 200 years means they started reducing before the industrial revolution, and it's hard to grow if the temperatures are increasing. And that data is straight from the USGS who make the official data rather than people I always hear condemned as not part of some scientific mafia.

Therefore we now have the IPCC who have admitted global warming itself stopped in 1998, higher temperatures do not cause more extreme weather (how often do you hear that reported on the BBC?) and now the first official admission some glaciers are growing (as we all knew already if we looked elsewhere). How many nails will it take in this coffin to finally contain and bury this awful deception that has robbed people worldwide of money and international aid as taxes have increased and being spent on climate change and nuclear power (which unlike carbon dioxide and warmer weather does not hurt anyone...). You see the picture forming? How many more of these items it will take before a) the BBC report it and b) some big shots start to doubt it matters and start to leave the cause I cannot say, but the truth is a big elephant and all the nothing in the world can't build or hide a real one. Telling people they may be in danger in 50 or more years is the sort of quasi hypnosis even Jade Goody should be able to resist, but apparently most of the world's leaders have convinced enough people this is true they are willingly offering not just their extra taxes but a little more for charity if they can manage it. Like the perfect murder, except it's a lot easier to see through this given enough time. I can only hope.

Digging into the past

Well the week was making the best of my own imagination. I looked at a map to see various new geographic features for photos and have a list that should take a while to get through now despite getting dark at 4pm for the next 4 months. The phase of being ignored has reached new levels, there's now the TV producer (bit of a waste of space from what I've seen), journalist (no power even if she liked my material), two women (no comment needed) and any other bastard I've forgotten including the twat who booked an appointment and made me sit on my tuchus all afternoon waiting for them to arrive. As it's a personal contact a bollocking is in line.

The most basic skeleton is in place to keep occupied for the week ahead, the photo calls I haven't made yet, a check on my business cards usage and the photo list. Plenty more paperwork if it's raining as well. Dull but for anyone within a family a pretty easy life. But alone is just killing time. Again my clients have deserted me after a while of activity, all together as always. I'll never understand that as I don't get BO and try not to fart too much when they're here. Or swear. I leave that to them.
Meanwhile I've been watching a teenager in Sweden doing psychokinesis on Youtube. I've been watching such demonstrations for some time and he also gives lessons how to do it. I find it easy to spot BS (as with the global warming trickery) and also starting to pick up on genuine people as well, like Rachel who just won Big Brother. That was a great endorsement of my judgement as I picked her after less than an hour. Now this guy doesn't seem to have any funny business either, and if I am correct in my intuition then it implies what he is doing is real. The fakes have helped a lot as once you've seen their videos with hidden hairdryers, magnets and all other amateur magician props, someone who seals an object under a bowl and still gets it to move leaves little opportunity to fake it. Bear in mind it's not a professional digital video that can be manipulated easily, but a home video by a kid in his bedroom. I continue to follow the progress.

I've said before another reason I blog is while most people come home to talk about their day, besides a few tenants who were like the exorcist in most cases I have come home to an empty house for 14 years. Every aspect of negativity I emanate is solely from that as it would for anyone who lived in an impersonal area with no community life or decision to live as a monk. My times were on holiday every year in Devon where although we could and did go out there was enough to do within walking distance to stay there for a month and have enough to do. All the activity of a year in Finchley where I lived was crammed into those visits, and half my friends met there. I was always surrounded by friends (except when they went home before me) and family (three generations sometimes) and can easily contrast the best with what I don't have now. I could also perform as it was a music holiday, and although not my priority still played keyboards (and sang once) for various parties and a couple of small concerts for the electronic music workshop. I even have a programme somewhere with my name on it. And the women there were both intellectual and attractive.

Looking back, besides many I was in love with at the time, sadly only a few were mutual, I didn't have the same record there as I did at home for some reason and tended to get the last resorts. I did meet my first girlfriend there who was top class, another years later but was too big an age gap to go anywhere at the time, and she lived there which stopped it in its tracks anyway. There was the German film star (now not then) who being 8-9 at the time was only a friend, but could still see the quality even then. She hasn't changed that much considering as there are plenty of current photos about. I'd have carried on going if I had anyone to go with, but by 1989 everyone else was married and going abroad with their new families and I was reduced to hanging out with teenagers. No one since to return with or I may still have met someone there, albeit from the other side of the world (Los Angeles, Botswana, plus a couple of failures from France and Italy at least) but plenty from London as well. Nothing like that here though besides one of my schools, and I was kicked out there after 2 years...

So I soldier on within the environment I've been given and it's been a bloody long time since anything good happened. Besides none of the important people replying, all the business attempts have got nowhere either and barely any research. Business as usual, but for how long?

We get what is given

There are two possibilities. Either things get better or they don't. I keep busy regardless but will always know what I'm missing especially as I've experienced enough to know the difference. But all the activity won't change the outside decisions. I asked someone else from the past to meet me a couple of days ago, despite the distance, just in case. Otherwise it's like waiting for the rain to come. You can play video games, watch TV, wander around but it doesn't change the lack of rain.

Meanwhile life goes on. My own philosophy seems to simplify life more and more as it is really simply a method of trying to get as much pleasure from our time here as possible. The problems arise when something or someone tries to stop them, or they are sabotaged by circumstances like illness. It's not easy. But the cack so many people let ruin their lives will never cease to amaze me. There are so many spoiled children out there that don't just get free ice cream but scream the house down as it's the wrong fucking flavour. Ungrateful sums it up. I am now happy for every small thing I have and more and more overlook the problems as long as they have no lasting effect. I've had enough to learn it. And if I can everyone can as problems and their reactions are universal.

For example, people who whinge for years when a relationship breaks up. What? We are all born naked and alone, and besides our parents (which some don't even have then if they've died or left) that is the most we can take for granted. How anyone can be devastated when anyone outside that family goes, so their lives are ruined for an indefinite period is handing the power to the enemy. Every person who isn't a blood relative is extra and not designed to be a permanent part of our lives. If we believe we are we have handed our power to them, and instead of enjoy them while we can we can get so attached we become dependent on them. Not me thank you. 24 hours to mourn the loss and back to business. Learnt it after the first time when my friend asked me how long I wanted the bitches to ruin my life. I said a day was enough and that was that. Easy. Never got me since. How can you miss what isn't yours in the first place? Our family is part of us so we lose someone who can never be replaced as they are unique, but others pass throughout our lives, if we are ready for it we won't be caught in the trap.

Funnily enough I came here first as Funtrivia is down, just when I wrote my first quiz in 10 months. So it made me think of what I'd learnt recently to add here as whatever insights I have are used in my work unless they are too confrontational. And when life simplifies itself for me all the time I see less and less that can't be understood by everyone. And none work on trust as you can see for yourself by checking. So in a way I may be reporting negativity in my own life but much positive for others. As despite simplifying it also simplifies our limits, and I spend a few years asking anyone I could and not one offered a single door in the wall of powerlessness. My suspicion was right, some situations are totally passive with no trick or little known methods that were kept secret. It's all as it seems and there are no hidden exits besides inner changes through meditation. But the world outside is the same as watching it on TV besides our own input as a single person against millions. Not a lot of difference there then.

I have also reached a point where I'd prefer answering questions on all this than repeating the same principles in different ways. Practical applications will vary for each question and the answers tend to come from the same area so work for virtually everything even if you may not like them. How many millionaire motivational speakers tell you you can do fuck all but get on with something else and forget about it? Not many people would pay to hear that advice but many times it's the truth. So all you can do is use the resources that are here and the others simply don't exist. Like my video editing program. If the tools aren't provided the work can't be done, end of. But besides that advice the rest is pretty practical so that is just the worst case, and can be quite liberating as once you realise nothing can be done you can let go and drop it.

A week's rubbish

I am beginning to wonder if my 'outer' life (as opposed to my spiritual inner) is ever going to produce any more than neutral again. I sent out some more reminders yesterday which will no doubt fall on deaf ears but if I do nothing people will just say (as many do) it's my own fault. But either way nothing will happen but at least it feels like I've done my best if I follow up every possibility anyhow. And that includes the area of women, I can't even think of anyone dodgy who's available any more, and as I won't pay for it am at a loss for where the next experience there is coming from. Quality aside I've always got something regularly and the last supply stopped and even that is now producing a lack of service.

At least I've trained myself not to look ahead now, if something needs doing it goes on the list but I don't think to what I'll be doing any further than the next day now as it takes care of itself. Knowing that I know there's enough available to do on my own every day and (which hasn't happened for ages) anyone else arrives it's a bonus. Again I'm not chasing people any more as friends, the available people are like the women I rejected in the past, many are worse than being alone and really only want the right people with me or not at all. Who wouldn't? My only exception is the Indian arranged marriages as most of the women are so attractive I can't imagine being disappointed within a few tries, as not being forced, both have to agree before it goes ahead, they just don't know each other until they meet for a short time before deciding. But besides Asian women the others would be no different from the random selections online which would be no different from the crowd on a train or supermarket. And (as I have been told by many I know), Indian women and thereabouts as a rule don't mix (as in date or marry) outside their own caste, let alone race. I wouldn't even be considered by over 99% of them although they make up almost half the people in my own borough. Total waste basically.

So currently the teacher online turns out enough new videos to keep me busy most days and the understanding is widening and deepening as a result. If someone becomes enlightened none of this crap matters any more and if they even kept up a blog goodness knows what it would be about. But life would go on, only the experience of it would improve. So careers and relationships would continue but wouldn't matter. Best of both worlds.

The chances of any of my attempts last week to provide any more work are probably as much as if I hadn't sent them at all. Plus someone I know sent me a new client who didn't turn up or call to say why. Someone will have a red face sooner or later. I missed a piano lesson once when I was 12 as I was with my girlfriend and got such a bollocking Inever let anyone down again. All the things people do that are wrong (making rude and personal remarks for example) I was taught not to do as a child and that was the end of it. It's very easy and these people who will act like shits the whole of their lives are reasons some lunatics believe in social darwinism. I can be as rude as I like about anything I want as it's just my opinion and free speech, but you don't say it to people directly as you'll gain nothing out of it. You only would do it if either they were the sort of people you can't stand or they did something to you first, and either way nothing will change by calling them names. If someone's an arsehole telling them that won't make them stop, it'll just fall on deaf ears as it's not as if they'd think so is it? So you've wasted your breath and ruined someone's day. A double negative where both parties lose.
As I said when I worked in a shop, always wait till a customer is gone before you slag them off. I'm sure many did the same about me but as long as I didn't hear it it was OK.

So I suppose most of it can be summed up as a total lack of excitement, with no chance of any. It is basically a random pattern of many different threads in life that all came to a stop around the same time. It's still neutral as all the stress has stopped as well, but who could ever say neutral was good enough? Of course nearly all the excitement in the past (there has been some) has come out of the blue, you can't predict any of it, but fruits of previous labours are also supposed to lead to results and even those have now finished with no new starts. And remember I complain here so I don't bore the people I know although not all return the compliment. But we all have to dump our rubbish somewhere.