Got the message

I must have got in a rut as just pointed out, the fact the snow and ice made going out a dangerous ordeal (loads of people have had car accidents and falls etc) and it gets dark at 4pm so little worth doing outside after that till March made whatever situation was here come into real focus. I remember there used to be plenty of humour, and do have a number of people who ring me up every day or two with their problems, and my work which is only that, and seems like nearly everything I've heard for weeks have been other people's problems on the phone while just nodding and listening. You can't boot people out of your life, especially a specific few, so if they're on a roll for weeks, months or even years in some cases you just have to take it as they'd either become very upset if you mentioned it (too old and set in their ways to change believe me) or take no notice and carry on. And the few who do see me are usually the same people so just get it directly instead when I do. No wonder I've been joining in, and deliberately not to any specific person as I know just what it feels like and nothing can be done to help.

I do also talk about enlightenment, which of course is the only known escape from any of this, ups as well as downs as they tend to cancel out over time. But life brings phases for much of the time so I hope this is just one more of those, and as I know from experience, once you become aware of one then it has to go as a result. Hopefully that's mainly what was required. But unlike the friends I had here who have made themselves partially or totally unavailable until the last regular was gone, the people on the internet are like them but unavailable in person purely from distance. Over the years I've gradually met some when they've been in London, and met my last girlfriend online. Even my neighbour who used to borrow me for anything he needed help for is now divorced and miles away, and not speaking to me over a business matter where he expected me to go along with his plans without even telling me, and is now calling me a liar as he's pretending he did. The fact I worked for him for 11 years and know his routines means trying to bluff his own employee who dug him out of similar situations for years means he clearly thinks I'm as much of a moron as he considers everyone else he deals with. But one less person anyhow.

So let's see what happens now. Energy is a neutral driving force, like radio frequency, and when it becomes a low level then everything else reflects it. It's really outside our being as it's actually the fuel that drives our lives, and have yet to find a single way to change it by choice. It is much like the weather and unlike the IPCC I accept we can't change either by efforts, however expensive or complex. But seeing it and knowing it is half the job, things definitely haven't been as bad as it sounds, but realised the high spots that do come are no more than that and while peaks do return back to more or less the same place however high each may be. That is more of an equation to solve than anything else, and so far have mainly see these things change on their own than by anything we try and do to fix it. I'm quite used to being able to solve most problems so don't like it when I finally come across one that doesn't even seem to have a way in to start. That's a challenge and although I trust it will change naturally if there's a rain dance or something I can do to help (like the IPCC are trying) I'd probably be as deluded as they are.

Got nowhere so far

Before I go to bed I felt I must come here. Few read any more, even fewer comment but it's my best method of conversation currently so stuff the details. I managed to get out in the car again once I realised my road was the only one left with snow on it, although the ice on the pavements wasn't a good idea to walk on for long. I ended up getting nothing but a free paper in the shops (the one item I wanted to find is apparently no longer being made) but got quite a few photos of the snow and other things so wasn't a total waste of time. I then began my watercolour after being asked about art deco houses, it's looking OK but for some reason I got one window a panel too high and can't really go over it as not oil or acrylic where you can get away with anything. It doesn't ruin it but no longer quite accurate.

Because of the snow I've been mainly indoors besides the quick food trip yesterday and the wander around today, it does become a bit of a cliche when the most interesting parts of the day are deciding what to eat, but you have to find the entertainment where it lies, and also last night did a full circle of online satsang, and realised it's the same as many academic areas where each teacher claims they have the sole answer when in fact each has a part of the picture and I reckon I've put them all together now, although the effects or otherwise are yet to be discovered. The snow's due to melt in a couple of days officially, unless it just stops but stays as ice like last year. So without going back and thinking about it I can't even remember if anything interesting's happened this week. The Test Match began a few hours ago and saw England get three wickets in the first three overs which is always entertaining and extremely rare against a decent team. Besides the usual parent visit in the evening tomorrow is still totally blank, and most of the things I'd like to buy on the way there will be closed by the time I get there so not sure if I'll fit anything like that in as well, and not if it's still icy.

The bottom line of enlightenment is of course what goes on outside is pretty irrelevant as you are no longer affected by it. But till then it's business (literally at times) as usual. I suspect the story may just go on forever unless you get off the train, and how many people honestly manage that? One guy who explains it pretty nicely actually believes it happens when it's ready and nothing we put in in the way of effort makes any difference, but then gives you a pile of things to do so presume it does work like the rest as expected. I'm sure he knows what he means but I'll keep working at it in case something happens.
So my actual plans are now being used up. The builder will be fixing the roof at my late grandparent's next week at least, although my own builder is now ill and may have to get the other guys to do what he was planning as well, as long as someone does I'll be ok. To the enlightened mind you don't care what happens as it's not even real to you and you're fine regardless, but to mine something decent would be nice. I'll keep producing more material for the media to accept or reject and anything else I can think of, and I agree talking about it doesn't change anything either.

It's time for more inspiration, where it comes from I don't know but beyond my scope. The Friends Reunited messages is up to five now, three down and two to add soon I expect. One woman who ran a mile from me and another who only met me when she was engaged to what she described as unstable but is still happily married. And it was a blind date. I do spend a lot of my time helping other people, paid and unpaid, and sometimes it would be nice for some back besides from my family. It's not too much to ask but too much to expect.

Looking at reality again

Due to the weather (with more expected) I've been in more than usual (even for me) so more time to blog of course. I got out for some food today at least, that was quite enough and if we get the heap overnight I won't be going anywhere tomorrow and probably start the painting I saved for such a situation. I even got out of a dodgy arrangement tonight due to the possibility of getting snowed in so has given a benefit as well. I emptied my stationery cupboard in case a letter I thought may exist was in there, I found one item I'd lost straight away and the rest was exactly what I thought was in there and no more and now I've got to put it all back.

I've done a bit of research on the TV programme being syndicated in the US, it basically appears it's still on cable but on many more channels which presumably are available to a lot more people than Discovery. The TV there is so complicated I have no idea what's available otherwise but a move in the right direction. The current theme has been hunting for treasure, one of my favourite activities and began when I found the negative with part of the old road sign on it. I trawl every available area like when I used the metal detector, uncover loads of ring pulls and rusty shit but the occasional coin and even the odd item of gold. I am making as many starts as I can while unable to finish without another person's decision or pure luck. It's a good game as long as you actually win it sometimes.

The current seeking is satsang on Youtube, once I had to visit lectures or watch videos people provided, now I can watch, albeit partially, excerpts of the best teachers around, and realised now although discoveries can work in the mind to remove a blockage, they don't require the mind to work anything out to become enlightened. Use the mind and you bring it into place, so enlightnment has to work without the active use of the mind through meditation- direct experience. That will truly be a deliverance. I see the good and bad in life, but does seem as taught to even out so not worth relying on as the lows cut down all the highs. If you're happy with it then it's fine, but if you're not it's time to look for the only possible way out.

The snow is now piling up, if I do a good painting tomorrow as a result all the better. I've been making plans in reserve for months, you have to when no choice.

Talking to myself

This is actually an exercise to see if writing about things will open the door to allowing any new ideas in, as well as organising my thoughts. I have a free week ahead and few ideas, plus it might snow and keep me indoors. The current options are.

In: Watch videos
Finish spare room
Tidy dining room
Phone calls
Send off my annual psychotherapy forms
Write my next article
Do my next painting

Out: Eye test
Cemetery cleaning visit
Car service

Of course those are in between TV programmes and normal internet activities. I also take photos and videos when light but again limited by darkness and snow so not planning a lot this week. This is the bare skeleton, the rule is normally if tomorrow is covered I needn't go beyond, but although I've been reasonably busy and free for a month or so feel the potential is running down and wanted to see if there was anything I may have missed.

So far nothing has come to me, my current system (normally no more than a handful of distant possibilities) is two articles awaiting decisions, normal work payments which don't really count as shouldn't be uncertain but still nice when arrive, and my latest photo prints which are also not uncertain. The most uncertain now the three witches (in a nice way...) blew me out on Friends Reunited is someone from my drama classes I wrote to on Facebook yesterday so will give that a few days to mature, and that's about it. The only reason I need to make plans like this is I live alone and the old regulars I visited have either left the country or died besides my parents. So more planning is required until someone arrives in my life to replace the spaces left by the previous shift.

So an opportunity to use the two methods from Abraham-Hicks, pivoting, ie looking at the good, and requesting, which is calling in the events as I choose. So to look at the good even if I have nothing to do outside I can watch all the videos queued up, tidy the house completely and see if I can get any visitors, as well as the phone calls. Sadly the old friend I called after hearing on the radio didn't return my message so can fuck right off if she doesn't want to catch up after maybe 15 years. I can also Streetview whatever few roads remain in case more old road signs are waiting to be discovered, they do keep turning up but the roads on the map are more or less covered now. As for creation the list could fill the server memory, but will list the main large and small aims, as if no one knows. I don't think it matters how big the aim as all miracles (as these would be) are equal at that end, only we grade them for size:

A local friend and girlfriend, an article in a newspaper, a programme on terrestrial TV, living back in the area we used to, finding anything I thought I'd lost (the old road sign photo negative was one albeit very distant), find an old friend who actually wants to see me again, get some more work on the old website I was on, get paid for writing, get an apology or three from some of the people who owe me them, fix some of the issues in the world such as proving the global warming graphs are fixed, seeing Al Gore on trial for fraud, getting the truth out on aliens, getting manufacturers to offer old style cars as well as computer designed abortions, and of course my own enlightenment.

Having got two of the old road signs like this as well as fixing a major business issue I am already gaining confidence, as none were guaranteed by any means and also the larger end of the miracles from this side. It's no less of a miracle to be given £5 than £5000 really as if you call either up they were added to what would have happened otherwise. Like dreams, nothing is less likely there and it seems we are only manipulating something of a similar nature.

I reckon laying out my plans clearly is like an architect or scriptwriter, they are now clear and if I can shift the next short and long term issues (having done a few already) once I get one or two which not only bring pleasure but change my life for the better I'll be one step closer to how I'd prefer things to be. And if it works maybe an article of the journey.

Reincarnation is not for me

I talk about me needing an IQ test to try and get in Mensa but the whole world has continued to fail theirs, as the latest report this week claims '2010 hottest year ever'. Yes, of course, and I've got the biggest dick in my house and next door. As there are no other men there. But I was telling the truth, they have taken a single report from GISS, America's version of 1984's Big Brother (good is bad and bad is good etc), while even the UK Met. Office are currently struggling to get their own data to look the same. But it's a lie. Since records began is a little closer, but the actual part they left out is 'since satellite records began'. That is 1979, half way through nature's cyclical warming phase after a small ice age so every few years and every decade will indeed be the warmest if you're on a warming curve. Were it true. In fact virtually every site uses their own data and none of it actually agrees. It's not science, it's fixing the system as most people don't believe it's possible and fewer still can be arsed to check. Nothing more needs doing to demonstrate those involved in creating global warming are no different from the Kray twins as they are indeed killing old people from hypothermia as they can't afford the energy taxes, and third world farmers starving since their land was taken for biofuel. It's not a simple con as people are having their lives ruined directly.

Back to my world, I wrote about energy phases, and the next night I played and won my hourly guess the word game, and the next one. Only one person's ever got three and wondered if I could be the second, and did, and although it was bedtime had to stay up an hour just in case, and indeed I won the fourth as well. The energy was open and allowed me to be in my own dimension where I was the only person playing for that period. I'll be surprised if anyone gets four in a row again, it's possible but however long we've been playing (this year maybe?) it's been on every single hour and unless I missed a scoreboard don't think it's happened before. I got the photo printed with the old sign and as it was a proper darkroom print was as clear as the original unlike my scan, so in perfect focus thank goodness albeit small and no legible writing. But it is a proper photo and not a blurry mess like the compute attempt thank goodness.

Now it gets dark at 4 half the week I can't get out in time to take photos, and short of visiting the local friends who don't exist have gone home and extended the radio/TV/computer time by a few hours. Three people who arrived on Friends Reunited all ignored my messages, one as I dumped her is entitled to, one should know better and the third, although wouldn't remember me from 1965 could have made an effort. The only chore done last week was fixing my camera, the cemetery also closes too early to get to easily and do the job before getting shut in (besides not having the internet it may not be that different though...) but went to the museum at last and kept fairly busy. I haven't a clue what the week ahead holds, let alone tomorrow. And whatever methods I've been shown they don't work easily. Do any? I do have two prizes now which have made all the difference, but made me realise there are three types of achievement, those that are nice but don't change your life at all, those which only change your life when relevant, like having a new qualification but only benefit when using it, and those which shift you entirely like getting married. Sadly almost none of the prizes I've had for ages do anything to change my life, the best being I no longer need to worry about finding an old red triangle sign which was going to be a problem as the next closest were 60-70 miles away. There are a matching pair in the backwoods I don't have now but can't see myself doing a journey I once would have without thinking. The current car's only for town use really and I'm 20 years older.

So it's time life cheated and allowed me to gain with no pain. I expect many people in my position would have cracked in the past while others wouldn't have noticed, I'm probably around the middle as although I've coped somehow I have suffered enough for what I'd consider a lifetime. I'd see enlightenment as the only escape as until then we are part of the illusion of good and bad and are raised or lowered constantly as a result. I'm certainly prepared to leave that ride as the highs don't outweigh or compensate for the lows and it's not really shown itself as adequate for me at least. Telling a teenager success is round the corner and just needs effort and patience, but at 50? The business side is long covered as that's within all our scope, and fixed the majority of that in the 80s. But pleasure? I expect the Buddha realised very quickly that it was so hard to choose that he decided to find a way to bypass the whole system. As it worked for so few people they added reincarnation as an excuse to string it out for thousands of years, but I'm only interested in this lifetime thank you.

Energy phases demonstrated

Today has been one of those days where the energy was twisted. Nothing I tried happened, nothing I planned happened but besides being blocked on the word quiz I play most hours all day all the other plans simply diverted my activity rather than blocking it. But the main point is that the energy was the same in every aspect of my life the whole day from start to finish, which although I'm fully used to still surprises me in its mathematical consistency. That's the message today as although the details are my diary part the overall picture is sheer connectedness as each area happened with the same distorted and partly constricted frequency.

It began when I called the cemetery as I'd finally run out of alternatives but to clean the gravestone. It closed before I'd have got to it so had to put it off, and yesterday my mother told me the local history museum had a car park, and with no other ideas went there instead. Being free it was a good way to pass an afternoon and the postcards were free as well to bring back for the wall. Then I went to have my camera memory card wiped again, but they no longer had the cards or cameras to wipe them, or the bit that fell off the battery so eliminated that and went home and decided to check if the card could be wiped via the usb cable which indeed it was and now working again. The word game works out a word every hour with more clues every few minutes. I've done well since the weekend but today had a few words on the list someone else entered before I did. Not once but three times, and we all win a few on the same day and not for a few afterwards. Again, the energy opens with a win and can stay open for a day or two, it's there for all to see.

No one can see these phases in advance, and I am not yet able to alter the energy to choice. Tomorrow the cleaner's coming at 3 (officially) so short of a local photo trip have little scope I can think of. I started my phone calls yesterday and have reached the point of leaving one message. I've probably completed my old photo checks with the scanning of the final negatives, and now trying to pin down some photos I didn't label. Two have been identified as Beckenham and the rest are only roughly located as yet.
I'd like to have some control over tomorrow (as we all would), and maybe the fact I'm learning these phases affecting them may be next. I've been shown how and will work on it, and if I can then one by one my problems could melt away.

Tomorrow is free anyhow albeit indoors until 3, I'll have a think where I haven't taken photos within 15 minutes before it gets dark at 4, too late and cold for the cemetery and a miracle if I bother to get my eyes tested but if bored enough and not too tired (I do still suffer from time to time) I may even try it. I can't even think of any other chores left now, possibly as I've done them all, but can darn my cardigan, get the last bits of the shelves in the spare room, make more phone calls, possibly even meditate, and check the lists I make to see what else has been saved up for a free day. This week I am still looking for the grace, last week was totally as planned plus the old road sign turning up, which covered all required grace in one go albeit a partially legible one. This week has so far been working my way through a list with little interruption to stop me or bonus to help me, the nature of grace is random so can't call it in. It may well have been guided as I am getting more used to seeing the patterns, but would still wonder if and when I'd ever make it or graduate. No one wants to retire or qualify when they're too old to make full use of it, and besides joining one of the schools that make their students meditate for hours a day can think of little more I can do for any aspect of my own growth. That means I've done both my best and not avoided any extra actions that may have added to my success. It's easy to accuse people lacking anything of being lazy or careless but you don't have that sort of approach after a law degree requiring the ultimate level of work. Not in itself but for me in the subjects I didn't find easy, which was about half of them. Going to hour long crowded video shows every week for over a year with claustrophobia isn't being careless either, basically if I know something is important and possible I go for it. If I appear not to be it's only because I don't think it is, and even in something as mundane as job applications compared I'd done more than average as they told me so in my interviews. So I reckon I've hardly skimped on the input, and fully deserve any output. My effort now tends to be concentrated when I'm inspired, the energy opens, the ideas flow, I produce a collection and then use it up till the next time. Now what happens to those products is partly my own marketing of them and partly the choice of those I offer them to. Some will always win and lose like the articles, but all you can do is not give up and keep producing and offering. I know when the energy opens I get a bunch of clients, a bunch of letters, phone calls, money, whatever, including related problems. That's been clear for over 20 years and only recently started being more for my benefit than random. But that flow has only just begun and started to happen. Most changes happen gradually but this is taking decades!

Looking for God

Today I will actively look for God in my life. The guidance is presumably the first clue as nothing else could be responsible for arranging all of life to fit for one person. Yesterday I was typing and they said the same phrases I was writing twice within a minute. That happens to quite a few people I know as well. I appear to be being made to face my final fears- death, destruction, all that shit. One by one situations I believed (as there was not enough information to know otherwise) may be extremely dangerous are being forced on me to show me they are not without the need for any expert advice. I don't think there are many left and maybe with them out of the way there won't be much left to bother me or get in the way of my progress.

Also of course by writing here on a subject offers the chance of inspiration to work out additional examples- today wasn't special on the surface- but for example once I'd repaired my cassette copier to send a tape to Australia I recorded it and being on an old tape wasn't full volume, and didn't want to use 5 minutes on a new C90 and a new C60 turned up at the front of a rack and took the copy perfectly. There was only a few minutes to wait in the post office, and got the rest of my shopping done at the same time. I've finished searching my old negatives and as well as the most prized photo of the local road sign I wanted, albeit barely legible in the distance, I've found many photos I'd never seen before as the chemists never printed them. I have run out of ideas for tomorrow and beyond, although the same chores need doing. Last week I wrote to three more people from Friends Reunited and can only eliminate them as a-holes as none replied. I started my phone calls tonight but no one was in but will keep trying.

I'd create if I was god (which is basically how it works anyway, we gradually take over consciously so the crap we got before is under control and organised the way we'd prefer it) a way I could still avoid all the stress I can no longer cope with but a solid social and family life, with no need to worry about the people I did have expecting me to go to places I couldn't. A few are fairly well trained now but very thin on the ground. I agree I shouldn't get any prizes without earning them, but the years of study and experience I have put in took me till 46 to get on TV and 50 to be published. I think the previous effort would now be used to justify any career improvements, I hardly need to go to college again or do more fieldwork. I was asked to do a lecture but 120 miles away, not good for an agoraphobic really. I would do so in London as long as it was this side of it, but can't wreck my health for anything. I would change a few things externally as well- it's a bloody mess and as Marx and others have observed, extremism can't last forever as the momentum runs out and the opposition water it down. Global warming's dark side is now turning slowly to face the earth and one by one every aspect I've said was the case is becoming proved. Of course it had to as it was based on no more than a plan to dominate the world by the UN and cheating the data to do so. The graphs are so crude anyone in primary school would question how they all change when adjusted from flat to sloping, and questions are now being asked at higher levels but the taxes keep coming. I'd speed things up a bit as the people may wake up suddenly when the first wave notice they've been had all along. Once they turn their backs their friends will feel they have no reason to hang on and follow until only the extreme nutters are left and be ignored as they always should have been. Today the nutters are in charge and listened to by the media and governments worldwide, what was delusional is now mainstream. I can't be bothered to put up with that much longer, I don't like being in a world where more people are insane than not and it's a struggle to find those who haven't been infected.

I'd also free the energy in the places I'm working on, apart from being sent photos of the odd road sign I can go and get and being asked for an article most other things have needed far more work to get returns than they should have. In fact the majority of work appears to have created nothing at all. I've never averaged any more clients a week since my practice began, I've spent a fortune for me trying to spread the word but still only get work from the official directory. I do pay the bills anyway but wonder why I can't get a few more like the others appear to who do no more advertising than I do. And my meditation barely seems to do a thing most of the time, you'd have thought after 13 years and combining new methods at other times the energy built up would push things along a bit but no. And official requests and decisions would go more easily. I'm not unreasonable and even offer to pay myself for some projects which would harm no one and benefit many. Besides allowing me to spend two hours painting an old road sign I've had little or no help from the others. And my sales of art and photography have been diabolical, the books are expensive so understandable, but the paintings are not and gathered dust until finally returned to me. And the people I dig up from the past could yield a few who were actually both local and wanted to see me again. I haven't thought if any elsewhere would have if they were still local but I'm only asking for one or two. I've only seen two altogether from my past, one now up north and the other abroad. I can't believe the fact they all chose to put their details up that avoiding any contact with all but their favourites is the same for everyone.

I think my clairvoyance is improving in certain areas, I can pick up words and the like for quizzes pretty clearly now, which has been from constant practice. If that can now be expanded to cover other areas it could guide me into more fertile areas than I'm searching currently. I am clearly being communicated with somehow as I can't go and look for some of these items as the actual words and answers aren't even revealed before the quizzes end. That means someone has to be able to pick them up before they are known (by going outside the timeline) and communicating them to me. If I can pick up anything from outside my own field then I should be able to open that channel a lot more. There is a lot of potential but as yet barely consciously used. I am aiming for more now in every way, the energy has to loosen for me.

Backwards and forwards

Before I carry on I've seen another little synchronicity today, they all count if the odds are long enough rather than the actual content. I always call LBC radio with news stories as they were the only place (Clive Bull anyway) where you could decide what to talk about. Recently Clive has been apparently setting an agenda so left a couple of messages asking if I could call about the IPCC admission they are after all an economic redistribution centre and not environmental. Like we needed telling. I'll personalise that, like I needed telling- we did need telling as those who accept they are doing a necessary job somehow can't see that huge taxes and carbon trading do nothing but that very action. I turned on and what's he talking about? CO2 reduction! They must mention climate less than once a month and the night I'm determined to spread a story no known media have touched with your cock let alone their own it was my duty (who else offered?) to break it. I covered that plus the fact that doubling CO2 gives a paper rise of 1C, the rest is down to unknown feedback which may either not exist or actually be negative as the natural sinks may well prevent any imbalance over time.

Other than that now I've got the chores out of the way I'm still free- a month now and used it pretty well. Getting dark at 4 means besides a bit of late shopping I get in and stay in. I visit my parents (separate sides of London) at weekends and often have the ex over once in the week, and the rest is up to me. I've written three articles so far and suspect one from the remaining two alive will be used, doubling my total if so. Of course the more you are out there the greater the chances of being spotted and asked for more. Being down to chores after filming last week then I've got the gravestone duty, eye test and car service remaining. None urgent but all need doing. I also sent three new Friends Reunited messages last week- an ex I dumped, a friend of a friend and someone from nursery school. One I can understand blowing me out to return the compliment, one as we'd last have met at five (didn't stop Gary whose parents still live round the corner after 50 years) and the other was a bit of a bitch anyway so we never really got on, but as her very nice sister wasn't there I wrote to her instead. Like she'd work that out. Her sister got a boyfriend when I was about to make my first move decades ago so I quietly left the scene.

I did of course get the very blurred picture of the sign on my corner at last last week, the only extra in a well planned system. Two new tour videos and lots of other photos. I wore myself out in only an hour cutting the bushes in my late grandma's and scanned in loads of other negatives which showed a small percentage of all had never been printed by the chemists. I'd never seen any before and will be getting them all printed soon. Socially I am trying to rekindle old names as much as current as what's current has more or less dried up and reached a limit. I haven't got round to any of the few phone calls not of a business nature but probably start this week in case they think I don't want to talk to them, but unfortunately with many having to come out to each as an agoraphobic before we make any arrangements makes it into more of a chore than a pleasure. If you can't do most things they can there's no point keeping quiet as once you've turned down every offer they either think you don't want to see them or work it out anyway. I told one who said she didn't mind but wasn't into sex (any level whatsoever) so no fucking use there, whichever way you say it. Unfortunately she's also the most attractive by far although lacks proportionally in the mental department. Not attractive and single for nothing of course. The others are very average and fairly old (although doesn't look it) and above average but peculiar. They're both divorced and one moved too far to bother travelling to (bearing in mind my issues) and doesn't drive herself. We went out for a couple of weeks already and only argued half the time as she is well known for. So I keep looking up old people from the past who aren't faulty in some way, or weren't in 1965 or 1980 at least.

I don't know if I'll ever 'make it' in any of the ways I'd like- in fact I'd made it living at home besides not being able to keep a decent girlfriend, I was qualified, had a decent job and just needed a woman to complete the picture. Then I had to move as it wasn't my own house, then lost my job, then lost my best friend abroad and pretty well unmade it as a result. I have however added a new method to the system from the video of Louix Dor Dempriey, of speaking to God directly and finding it directly that way. Don't work alone, ask the boss. Strangely that is the first thing since meditation that seems to cause a shift of any sort within me, however vague or subtle, that tells me he probably knows what he's talking about. Unlike much of the pretty technical and heartless teaching I've mainly come across, his message God is love and you can have it all is what I always imagined enlightenment to be, not this crap that you aren't real however accurate that may be. But simply looking and seeing all there is is awareness plus what is within that, but no individual behind it (direct experience, it's true) is pretty much noticing the obvious to me and doesn't cause any realisation beyond a technical discovery my personality is no more than retrieving data from a disk when required. I here and now am not the disk, I use it to remember things when I need to and the rest of the time I am gone. Thoughts and sense input passes by but no person there to witness them, just the senses and thoughts within the awareness. Big bloody deal. No peace and love being aware of that, I am aware of that, so what?

So maybe the fact I can disappear (I was never here at all, the illusion disappears) means I've got the first step to enlightenment but it's made no difference here. Talking to God may do, as we are designed to feel good and bad and know which is which. Enlightenment has to be about feeling good, no person there to feel it but all can tell which is which with no subject to do so, there's crap is a genuine observation and with or without an illusory me it's still crap. Louix appears however to have the simple key to unlock the real blockage to our growth of consciousness.

How I'd plan it

I am going to see if I can fill in the gaps in my guidance now, by imagining it all (see the rules in the Celestine Prophecy) and seeing where it should go ahead if complete. It has worked now, using the medium of road signs which I collect, and the latest was to aim me towards a negative where I'd sent the prints off at the time as were evidence for a road accident. That was the first one I knew and missed, and although the result was tiny and fuzzy you could at least recognise which one it was. I am hoping, possibly even guessing I am heading for an eventual spiritual growth- the lessons I've had over the years have been as much as anyone not actually living in an ashram, and to get nothing out of it besides the ability to tune into people and places to pick up random bits of information seems a bit like poor value. The guidance, rather than making me actually feel good (I should have such luck) has given me material objects, no people yet but helped my collections and done other small things since which I am pretty clear are part of it.

So what could it do ahead? I have my list. My career, unpaid or otherwise, in the media- so far I've really created the lot quite well myself but am hardly either a household name or earning a penny from it. A little nudge in the right direction would of course help there, as the breakthrough to a national paper or TV station is the only thing that would complete that job. People are next, as my friends have moved and spread around so I barely ever see them (OK , I see the ones left over who are a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but no one should be left to resort to that, so one or two around regularly would make a huge difference. Needless to say my own spiritual development would make me feel better whatever else was going on. I've put together a huge collection of methods from Youtube and products bought thereof, and Louix Dor Dempriex seems to have the trick, as it's the only thing I've ever felt something happen whatever my mind thinks of what I'm being told to do. The others I learnt make sense but diddly squat to show from them yet. Then the losses and loose ends. I want to live back in the area I used to, the most expensive in the world (no, I don't need to exaggerate), get back more of the things I missed if possible including my IQ test results (old or repeated if necessary) so I can finally join Mensa on their new rules, find anything else I could have had like the original sign photo but hadn't yet located, and anything (or anyone) I thought I'd lost.

Considering I now have a more or less complete old road sign photo collection, four TV speaking appearances, one published article, every possible known meditation method in case they actually do something eventually, and most of my finances sorted out (except for the big move of course) some things are covered but there's so much more left. And I have the recognised methods of manifestation I seem to have got to work a couple of times which will continue as part of the system to use, and really need to sort out the anxiety so I'm not scared of disaster whenever the slightest thing sets me off. There are very good reasons for this combined with my existing condition- where what you fear the most actually turns real you have the imagination turning into reality so the world is no longer at all a safe place. I'm covering one area by one, eliminating the first items on the list and hopefully if I end then there'll be none left and I'll be free of the monsters at last. It is mainly based on lack of information so until you know whether something's dangerous or not you tend to assume it is. Better safe than sorry, and having to test every single area. As Louix says, enlightenment is when love takes over from fear, so if I get rid of enough fear (I only need it where one dominates the other, not 100%) I will make it. How many do is another story, but the less fear I have the better regardless.

So I'd end up with the woman, friends again, living where I wanted to, famous, stable and maybe even enlightened. Maybe if I get some more messages in dreams, random (apparently but not) information and news that helps and basically divide the work half by me and half by outside as both need to work together to win. All is connected and if it all fits together then things happen the right ways. But less pain please.

I'm still here

It seems pretty certain that spiritual growth involves many tests- we are sent our worst possible experiences to see if there's any way we can deal with them better. I don't know if I am but they turn up regularly like the cat being sick while you're watching TV or having dinner and ruins whatever else you're doing. I have no cat to do that now but life has an infinite number of variations and all need clearing up one way or another as most don't disappear on their own. I doubt we need to become immune to everything before we can become enlightened- even Jesus claimed to lose his faith somewhat on the cross (his father had forsaken him, odd considered he already volunteered and knew the ending at the time).

So this week has gone to plan so far with one bonus, the first old road sign I knew for 40 years without taking its photo appeared in the distance on one of my negatives I was scanning in case there were more without prints (how does that happen?). The symbol is obvious but blurred but no writing is visible and the enlargement makes it look like it was taken underwater, but I now have a record of it, just. Otherwise I did my first tour video for ages after many requests yesterday, and cut the bushes at my late grandma's before it looked too overgrown. The news continues to be the same mixture of white noise I totally ignore, plus the odd peak or trough of either utter bilge like the next royal wedding- when they care about what I do I'll care about them- or the odd good news like the Republican climate enquiry. But most of life is my own and not affected by others unless they make laws which do directly such as raising energy taxes. It's the old exam results scenario, what my friends get doesn't affect my own performance, so if I fail one it doesn't make me feel any better that someone else has. What crap and shit happens elsewhere really isn't my concern, all these kidnaps and murders from down the road to across the planet are part of life since the stone age, and are sadly no more news than how many sheets of toilet paper my grandma used, yet we got to hear both.

I hope I am in a transitional period though, as I am seeing a mix of the old disasters and doom and new guidance towards success. Maybe I can deal with some old loose ends but still profit from the new direction while I am doing so. It certainly looks like that but the bad stuff feels just as bad as it ever did regardless. I feel I was guided to the negatives last night, I'd been checking up where all my photos without captions were taken with the advent of Streetview, and then thought I'd check the final set of ones that may turn up from unprinted negatives, and chose the right pack almost immediately. As it was on the corner of my road I would have expected a photo of it randomly but till then it wasn't showing. If it's dry tomorrow (it has been for three days and now stopped again) I'll either do my bike trip or the other video, and so far not missed seeing anyone besides the builder working next door who just repaired my garage door for nothing. I still phone the radio every week or so as I did tonight, I'm not famous yet as you can't see my face on radio and the best I do is when I see people I haven't seen for a while and they say they heard me. I even tweeted a new arrival on twitter who listens and lives nearby in case I can make a new friend somehow.

I've done another sweep on Friends Reunited, and thank goodness new people are still joining. I sent three more messages and normally get about a third back although not all have a clue who I am. One was in nursery school with me, and as I was so bored at home my parents let me go just before I was three and I remember as much there as I do in primary. Imagine catching up with someone you haven't seen since you were both five! There was no actual crumpet involved this time, one was simply an enquiry, one an ex who is now miles away and the third a friend of a friend whose very nice sister got a boyfriend before I could get a chance to try myself. I shouldn't be surprised many don't remember me although a few years in the same class pushes my credibility a bit. Even when one saw a photo of us there he claimed not to remember me. What a wanker.

Anyway, I am one step closer to celebrity this year than last now being published, and two more articles in the system hope that momentum keeps going. I write for pleasure so the more they want the more I will provide. I also keep my list of ambitions and although some do get reached none yet really affect my life besides completing a particular mission, step or business deal. It takes away a problem or stops it getting worse but none yet have actually made it better. That needs people first, and it's no use to just see anyone who's available rather than wait for quality as being with the wrong people is worse than none as they drain you. To have close friends you have to share the same frequency with someone, that is natural and can't be created just because someone's there. The right ones are rare indeed and hung onto for decades before one by one they are diverted by life or distance to occasional meetings. None are cut off but severely restricted compared to the old days. The woman on twitter hasn't replied, I don't blame her as unlike us women get random offers and approaches every day and can easily pick and choose. Anyway, I keep going, catch the odd bullet but am still here.

What could happen?

The rain has just stopped after almost a week so got out and took some photos after a gap not seen for years. I've got two video trips set up for the week now due to popular request, and make a change from photos where I'll have to fill in a few gaps I've missed rather than simply drive further and further into oblivion. And it'll be dark by the time I get anywhere more than 15 miles away anyway till March so won't be wasting my time. I've made a little list for the week and beyond, things inside like phone calls and others including pleasure and obligations like the eye test. At least I won't run out of things to do for a week or more. Now if I could think of anyone who could stay here now the spare room is available that'll help.

Other than that it's a mystery. One from two articles for a major magazine has been turned down, it'll be a month or two before I hear about the other but won't stop now. Of course although I have no one here so use the internet to replace it, I have to do things outside before I can come back and report them. Without real activity the internet won't replace it all. I use streetview to look for road signs and have travelled up to 30 miles to get the photos. I must keep remembering the Abraham-Hicks rules, I am avoiding slipping into crap more now at least, and if I can manifest anything positive I'd call that a true miracle.
Otherwise everything's been pretty quiet. Nothing either way really but if it's OK now then it doesn't really matter, just less to talk about. I will see tomorrow. England are playing a friendly Wednesday night so that's taken care of, the rest is possibly predictable.

The week so far

Today was decided for me- I had to wait for the cleaner to arrive and with the hour's daylight remaining for photography the rain came down as soon as I left the house and went straight back in again. I've arranged a builder to give an estimate for the knackered roof at my late grandma's and caught up on some videos at last and although my latest article was turned down I've got two more in the system and as it's not going to be my first now is not such a big deal. If it's dry I'll get the little jobs I missed so far in the next couple of days and once done will just see what turns up, there's no inspiration or plans left ahead but as I can't plan more than the following day that's already allowed for.

Otherwise besides getting the bed made again in the spare room and a free glasses repair (no reason why not except they charged last time) it's business as usual. Similar routine and no surprises. I must still use the Abraham/similar methods, as you can't see if it works unless you have something to try it on. I hear someone's finally decided to sue Al Gore for fraud, except he probably isn't a victim either of crime or contract misrepresentation so despite having circumstantial evidence can't see a case forming. The forensic accounting and warrants alone would take years, especially as being prepared for all circumstances the money won't be in a safe marked 'loot' but hidden offshore and in many holding companies at a great distance from the man himself. And you can't subpoena the Caymans or Isle of Man where they make their money from secrecy banking. It would take more effort to find his tracks than they spend on investigating (read 'creating') the climate already but a worthy attempt. I won't make a lot of excitement or attention to it though.

I don't think I've actually wasted the week so far anyway- I did the Surrey trip a day late, sorted the spare room out and had my usual visitor yesterday, and will just have to see what's sucked into the current vacuum of interest while I keep on doing whatever is available. It's no longer about effort but efficiency, and got me this far as the effort was put in when I was young enough to have the energy.

Another week 11/2010

Well I've got there (Worplesdon that is) in the end. My timetable is a day behind but unchanged otherwise. The three locations turned up a wooden council sign with a new one stapled on top as the paint had worn off, some hideous copies of old signs and a pair of 'no access' signs which looked right but weren't on poles so may not be nationally issued. But I covered them all in around an hour before the return. No word on the two articles but as I kept them waiting almost a year can't really moan. Besides the inevitable visit from the ex it's just a list of little jobs- car MOT, eye test (I will, honestly!) and camera repairs at Brent Cross (south, the civilised bit). I've had little or no spiritual events for a short while, although I don't believe the influence can go sometimes it seems we are left to sort things out ourselves maybe to see we don't always need outside guidance to win anything. I did win another online quiz today which doesn't often happen so one positive addition although it doesn't actually get me anything besides an entry on my profile and one more towards the 100 wins badge (at 30 though so may be a tough one).

The rule is when the guidance appears to go is look for it, so learning how to improve things myself seems the best reason- I also got an extra session in the gym today as it was on the way back from Surrey so two birds with one stone. And the rotten roof at my grandma's didn't put off the buyers as instead of making their offer that day they withdrew it a few days later so any new visitor will be promised (or receive depending on our progress) a brand new dormer window roof. I've called the radio regularly again for some weeks, it only depends on the subject but climate and related issues have been popular and that's my area. But nothing's wrong and that's the best place to start from. Looking for the positive (rule 2) tells me tomorrow I'm free all day before the visitor, can get at least one shop done as it gets dark too early to bother looking for distant photo trips, and complete the tidying this week although the spare room is ready for use now if needed. And I have hours of videos if it rains. If I'm bored and it's dry I will then visit my grandparent's grave to clean it (the journey takes many times longer than the task) although will have to struggle to get any new photos around there as it's quite a regular journey over the years one way or another.

So the week is free again, I've done a couple of hours work each week the last month or so so paying the basic bills if nothing else and not shrinking too much in the bank. It does seem when one area to collect has run out another opened sooner or later, and I include things I produce as collect items on the CV if I'm on TV or published. I'm still managing to meditate on and off, and can only assume I'd be even worse if I didn't... The anxiety is not good and am still very tired after an hour or two out. That's a physical problem, is improving but not gone yet. It's only really restricting my travel now and having covered most of Britain already over the years (although before digital cameras so was very selective in the photography) as well as a few continents one way or another can hardly complain now as I'm far happier locally where I know. If there was a little community or a few more friends that would complete the job but that is another project.

Ground to a halt?

Not much inspiration, I've been watching twitter to see the two standard reactions to the US election results on climate change, 'The first ever party to deny climate change!!!'. Yes, so fucking what? Meanwhile the rest are bleating on and on about imaginary man made disasters present and future bravely pressing on as if nothing's changed. What a poor bunch of lost souls they truly are.

I had to wait for my trip out to see the end of the British hopes in Formula 1 today, as soon as Lewis Hamilton started crashing that was him out, plus Jenson Button crept further and further behind during the season. Despite forecasts of rain I should make it tomorrow. One problem when you do achieve something is you expect it to keep happening. So when you get days when little or nothing happens you feel let down, plus wanting to read the end before you've got past the second chapter in case something decent may turn out is an automatic reaction when something begins with potential. That's short term like approval for my articles, and long term for the US climate investigations. Not that I believe they can find anything but very nasty dirt as that's all there is. George Soros, after legally crashing the pound and costing Britain billions in the 80s is now out to do it again worldwide, urging the UN on to create a world state in order to tax it out of existence, presumably getting a cut for his effort. And I was thinking Al Gore was behind this but clearly not working for his own purposes. Nasty nasty stuff indeed.

I'm quite happy to have free time ahead still, even if I do nothing (the dark afternoons allow little else) I won't have had too much stress which nowadays is a bonus in itself. Hopefully that will allow for the eye test and sort out the car service soon after. I hope for more and if I get any decent signs tomorrow will be a good start to the week. Where is the guidance now I wonder?

The end of the week (not world)

Unlike last week which was free and pretty hard to fill with any more than the basics I managed a bit more with the similar version this one. After getting a message asking where my promised article was almost a year ago I explained someone else had already used it and wrote two new ones now sent off as replacements once I'd though of something relevant. The spare room is nearly done, the bed is now usable and just a bit of junk left to remove. Otherwise the ex came round as usual on Tuesday and the woman with intentions of marriage yesterday, and in between did some random photo trips and walks as the weather was sunny and warm for November, and the usual shopping.

I've got a sign trip set up for Sunday and anything else remains to be seen. I could do with some more inspiration really- getting a positive on an article will definitely help, but in the short term really have little idea. It gets too dark for photos around 4 now till March, so that will be restricted but the housework benefits as a result although can only be so much of that. I've also been pretty tired since yesterday presumably from the late night catching up with me, as I can't think of any other reason. Presumably my age is showing which we can do little about however much we exercise. An interesting aspect about the new article is presumably by writing about enlightenment although the teachings are not mine if they actually help a single person then I have helped them just as much as an original teacher. Just a practical point.

Anyway, this week was way better than last, but when everything seems exactly the same when you've finished once you run out of ideas it is something of an anticlimax. That can't be lifted by thought or action but wears off sooner or later when you get busy the next day or so. Meanwhile if it takes a year or five if the US climate enquiry does a good job then the world will be off the hook. I am fully aware of a situation where maybe half the population are physically unable to be aware of simple logic as their emotions and trance state have blinded them to anything but the level of fear created by Al Gore. But one thing about hypnosis is it always wears off. I've seen a few scientists who have come round recently, and probably many people have but don't dare to say so as they get such a bollocking from the hard of thinking. But for how long can that last now- they've been caught making up acid ocean stories (it's alkaline) and if they get so carried away they can falsify simple data anyone can find then they are now about to lose it completely. Remember Acid Rain for instance, which Matt Ridley pointed out yesterday fooled him until he found the predictions (as all are) never came true. Two examples of scientists getting it so wrong they should be struck off. At their position they have far higher standards to maintain than everyone else.

Who really knows?

A bit of a list today, mainly to remind myself. I have now written two articles for the second magazine both awaiting approval, so until I get the verdict will not know the future direction of my writing career. I was up till past 4am last night watching the US election result. As expected the Republicans won the lower house but not the senate, but at least should manage to block any crazy green laws for the next two years. I have as much freedom this week as last, and besides seeing the ex girlfriend both Tuesdays (it all counts) am left to my own devices and so far the two weeks mirror each other pretty much the same. I'm not bored so far though so that is the major difference.

Tomorrow and beyond is a totally open book. Besides some dubious old road signs in Surrey for the weekend nothing else is in the diary, I will probably take the bike for a photo of some houses I thought I'd taken years ago and probably have but can't find them, otherwise will just wait and see. Meanwhile I have found the first known official figures (for California) showing a stable temperature and falling sea levels by the NOAA. Some mistake surely? Or was everyone claiming this to be the case elsewhere now suddenly right somehow? They must be as the NOAA basically make the rules everyone else follows. The next question is will the press take this up or just hang about round here as usual and be forgotten about as a result.

I am also doing what every saint and lunatic has throughout history as something that can't do any harm, having little conversations with God directly as so many books I read recommend me to. Why not? I'm definitely clairvoyant and do receive plenty of random information asleep and awake so if I can start communicating with the sources directly whoever they are I should make a trickle into a strong flow. The old 'shortage mentality' where you think 'surely I don't deserve to succeed on anything so important without almost killing myself' only serves as a blockage to success in any field, in fact it's focused effort rather than force that succeeds and about knowledge rather than sheer strength. And remember there's no such thing as a big miracle, they are all the same so may as well ask for the most as it's no harder for a little one like when I wrote 'two years' the radio presenter also said it, than winning the lottery or shagging Patsy Kensit. Think big, hope big and expect big, and if you get big in return you'll soon get used to it it would come easily. I have seen it work at times but have to keep in the zone and not be put off by other crap which always happens around you, maybe not once you get close to enlightenment. I will have to see on that.

Creating something from nothing

There is a long history of get rich quick schemes sold to the masses. The first and most famous is the South Sea Bubble of 1720, where worthless bonds were sold to finance a huge national debt (any similarities spotted already?) which of co...urse ended in tears for all except the few beneficiaries.

Modern examples have been best demonstrated by Enron, who created a form of accounting which used turnover to represent apparent profit, by hiding debts and losses off-balance sheet. This made the company value appear to grow by 750% in four years, encouraging many new people to invest, before the scheme unravelled in 2001 when discovered to be fraudulent.

Bernie Madoff revived the also ancient Ponzi scheme, where a high rate of return is guaranteed with no questions asked, and the new investors are paid by following ones until they stop and the lower levels are never paid as no new money is coming in to keep the momentum going.

Blind short selling requires offering to provide an item at the end of the month you not only do not have, but unlike normal short selling, are unable to procure. This means if the price rises rather than falls and you are obliged to sell the item you will not be able to, which will open you to a civil action but not automatically a criminal one as this is not essentially illegal.

What is illegal but still common worldwide are the simple get rich quick pyramid schemes, simply based on paying the person ahead of you. As this multiplies the number of members on each level by itself to keep going it has a natural end point where it requires too many thousands of people to join, when it will collapse and everyone below the top few levels lose their money.

Traditionally value has to be based on commodities or added value via converting them to goods, or providing services. But man has always wanted to get rich easily and quickly regardless of any actual production, so new means of fleecing the public, legal or otherwise, will always be thought up and many will succeed before blowing out.
The end result of all though is identical, the money ends up with the few who run the scheme and their friends who join it at the start, while everyone else loses all or nearly all of their 'investments'.

Carbon Trading is the latest incarnation of the South Sea Bubble, where something is being sold that doesn't actually exist and in fact never can. The trades are in taxation, where they initially rely on countries issuing tougher and tougher laws meaning the tax they've already bought or sold will change in value thus making the winner a profit. This of course as well as being immoral has no actual bearing on the ostensible purpose of 'saving the climate' as they are not stopping carbon being burnt, but charging to do so. The traders are mainly normal traders rather than energy users, so in fact are not connected to industry at all but are simply parasites on it like lice or leeches.

In this incarnation the people are the patsys, as they are the ones forced to stump up the end profits by law whether they like it or not. This is either carried out by direct personal carbon limits, which as yet are only in the planning stage but very likely to be imposed in the UK as the paper is already written, or indirectly as all carbon credit costs of industry are simply passed on to the customers who again can choose between heating their houses or turning on lights or sitting in the cold and dark, ie not a choice at all. So governments have found yet another method to create something from nothing, which hits the poor the most as the less income you have the more as a proportion it will take. This is compounded by allowing to trade it and inflate profits for those who do gain, until the same end as befalls all false finance schemes, the investors go broke.
This will happen generally, by causing a gradual rise in inflation as the value of every currency affected inevitably falls as based on no added production, and specifically by people losing all their savings on energy costs. As such this has created and will create even more poverty as it continues ultimately a Dickensian situation of people on the streets, begging and sleeping in shanty towns while the organisers and distributors become richer with their money. This is not communism of fascism but a grand scale fraud, where those running it are quite aware of what is going on but too well organised so far to stop.

Using the 'paedophile' formula, where you make people fear not for their own lives but those of their children, the 'average Joe' has clearly been shown to accept any solution offered to 'save their grandchildren' from a hypothetical hellfire, one which none of us will ever see as set too far in the future, yet if any look back when temperatures are still what we'd consider normal, some will say it had to be because the carbon trading must have worked. As long as the masses, for that is who they are using and relying on, are less interested in facts than fear they will win, and the only thing that can be predicted for the end of the century if carbon trading is continued then the average person will be living in shanty towns like anywhere in the third world today.

Test- theory into practice

I will use this entry to see if I can apply the new system to the current situation. The main tool is pivoting, changing your focus from whatever is wrong to whatever is right.

So currently I have my freedom, but looking back on the week do feel most has been wasted and although have created the potential of another article may not know about that for a while so dropped that one out of the present. Other than that I have totally run out of ideas besides a little photo run on Sunday, although I don't plan more than a day ahead now but I've got nothing to do tomorrow at the moment. So how can I change being bored and fed up from running out of material and achieving very little to something closer to optimism?

Tool 2 is the same as The Secret- think of what you want and feel what it would be like to have it for a while and that attracts it. I must do a few of those again as well as that would of course fix things directly if it did work. So that's the formula, there are other little details but I want to start simple and get the basics before I go A Level.

This year itself has produced far more than the previous few though- the first published articles, the best old road sign and getting lots of work out of the way. So there is less to do or worry about but the gaps of people and other things I'd like for the quality of life rather than simple lack of problems or stress is the next area to cover. I am still on the enlightenment path of course, and learning it's likely to come either from severe constant practice for the very strong, or longer term relaxed practice for the rest of us. They'll both do it, the methods vary to suit the people. If there is a state beyond this you relax into when whatever blockages have been removed then it's always possible for all of us. I expect every student on the path shares what they know with total beginners as compared to them we have learnt quite a bit- if knowledge/theory was the criterion many of us would be out there teaching as well. But many enlightened teachers didn't learn much if anything themselves, as it often happened on its own so their power comes from knowing the state but not quite certain how to show people how to get there, which I'd say is of less practical use than someone teaching a potential way that can work even if it hasn't for them yet. If someone told me how to become rich then if it worked it wouldn't matter if they were or not- passing on knowledge should be independent of the messenger, I can't answer questions from experience but the formula 'enlightenment is better than before' is all you need to cover it, as actually trying to describe enlightenment directly to others is basically impossible to follow anyway.

So I do see today as a test to give me something to work on. If I can turn this round it should work with just about anything. And the fact I can't see a direct way out makes it the perfect test to try it.

Back again

I will report the excitement of the last few days of relative freedom- of course I remind myself now to switch from the negative to create a new habit, and this is when there isn't that much wrong to focus on besides a bit of isolation. Besides my usual weekly visitor on Tuesday it's just been me the rest of the time, and with all the major jobs now complete (just an eye test and car service to get done now) can relax with good teeth and enough tablets for some time. The magazine I had to stall as my article went to the new people now has an article I wrote for them and hope they like it.

As it was just on I may as well mention the second TV programme about child genius, the followup after 5 years. If there was no other opportunity to mention it this would be it, as it reminded me so much of my own childhood. I had exactly the same route through playing up at school, being sent to the psychologist and having an impressive IQ. I think all I gained from it was knowing I was sane and clever. A couple of years ago Mensa changed their rules to allow outside tests at any time but my letter (if there ever was one) was long gone. Apart from having to drop the master's degree I think I've more or less fulfilled any potential now, having 40 or so years to see what happened since. And I'm glad I've followed my parents in a variety of areas- law art and music as well as my own as a therapist. And high intelligence appears to stifle social skills so should explain the absence of ability with women. Basically if I like them I do whatever puts them off but if not interested they all want to marry me, all or nothing. I have to fix that before I end up with nothing.

I've still got nothing else planned at the moment, am looking forward to the American elections (first time ever I've taken any notice) as their result is going to send a message to the world either outcome. Not long to go now. It is always nice to have something to look forward to, many are uncertain of course but something on the horizon. I have the usual sort of routine planned out for when I'm free like everyone else on their own as we can't just sit and talk to someone when we're not busy. If the weather's good I usually go for a walk in a park somewhere with the camera if no specific photos to take, and then get on with things at home when I get back whether online or housework related. I did of course see my grandma once or twice a week till last year but 99 years is a pretty good run and couldn't have lasted all my own life obviously. Combined with the main friends lost to the colonies in 2002 and the girlfriend lost to the loony bin soon after that gap has never been adequately filled. Not a complaint for complaint watchers, just descriptive.

And forget about work. For the people who didn't read my job search entry that basically ended some years ago after walking along numerous town centres looking for job notices in windows and dropping off my CV. Bugger all. I was happy to work then as long as part time (all I got since I left college so totally used to it and no more) and even before then the only reason I did work part time was no one employed me full time when I applied. Then I got health problems that made any thought of a job like running a marathon for Douglas Bader (OK, he probably would have on false legs but that's why he got a medal), and as I can manage without more than the work I do from home have no need to start looking again although always seeing if I can add to that amount in any way. But it does leave far more time to occupy usefully and although I do my best after a certain period you do suddenly notice it's very quiet and you can't think of anything particular to do. I must remember that's usually when I meditate as that's what really fixes things better than any other, although seeing any results is another story I have to say.

I don't think I've missed anything else, I've been out in the rain on Tuesday, did some local photos yesterday and went out on the bike today. The spare room is nearly as it should be now and if I can find somewhere for the spare mattress can then make the bed up again. Nothing special but maybe getting more done than I realise?

Getting there

I have actually been pretty busy since even before the last entry. Thursday night I was doing a standard search for old road signs and one turned up in the centre of London, I couldn't get the exact spot so spent a couple of hours checking the following day and then got a photo that night while there was a lot less traffic and free parking. I was supposed to take the camera with me for a non-official one at the weekend and as I forgot ended up discovering a totally new part of Richmond Park I will now be returning to with the SLR and tripod for the 180' views of London. I am also working on an article for another magazine I originally wrote the previous article for but was used before their date to see it. I hope I can now produce something else they want but have a good few ideas.

While being fully aware of my own shortcomings, mainly in the reactions area, it's going to be an uphill haul changing any one of them. I know what they are but my own symptoms of anxiety are so acute it'll take a lot to bring them anywhere near close to normal but can only work on it. This week is pretty routine- I realised there was something I wanted a photo of I actually passed on Friday night so didn't need to go twice but now will, have to take the memory card to be wiped after it got corrupted again and will finally get an eye test, twice as frequent due to glaucoma in the family. Free but still takes up time and may cost a lot if I need new lenses again. Then the builder says he should fix my garage roof after what must be a few year's wait, and coincides nicely with clearing out the spare room which I'll do tomorrow while I have to wait in for the planning officer to check on work being done next door.

I am getting there and using the new methods as I go along, and of course anyone reading this can see things have been improving. And I am slowly learning to focus on the good things and less on the rest as taught. There's a long way to go, mainly with the anxiety issue, but have to start somewhere.

Continuing progress

I really can't be arsed to go through the Firefox revelation routine just to get a different font so will just have to captivate with the words rather than the presentation.
The car was in and out within an hour today thank goodness, with 7000 miles on the clock no reason to fail an MOT but less chance they'd be free straight away as I also had absolutely no alternative plans after finding some yesterday. I also had to stay up till nearly 4am last night as they were talking about psychic readings on the radio and had to phone up as someone earlier didn't believe them. The presenter and a few more listeners certainly do now.

So only the car service (at my relative leisure) and eye test left. That's three dentists, a doctor, a garage and anywhere else I've forgotten out of the way. Once these were all routine, especially when I had my father to take me to the garage or the mechanic collected the car. Now it's just me, my neighbour used to help (as I did a lot more for him) but he's gone now as well. The spare room is now virtually clear, the bed is now going through the washing procedure, pillows done and cover to follow. I also need somewhere to put the spare mattress or the proper one won't fit. I expect I'll carry on with that tomorrow rather than just go out for the heck of it.
Beyond that is outside my awareness, although someone just discovered an old sign not just in the dead centre of London but some way from a legal stop. I hope I'll be able to get a photo though as it is quite a nice one. I doubt there are many other capital cities where they've made it almost impossible to access.
Meanwhile now I understand the formula I've been listening to I am applying it, it's obviously a gradual process as very few are miraculous allowing people to jump near the top, but climb there slowly or at most gradually. If anything does happen I'll certainly notice it though.

Progress so far

I'll do today's entry more as a list. I'm trying (with advice) to organise my life more. Look at the good side of everything and see if I can attract it, as per Abraham-Hicks and The Secret.

The garage was closed today so used that glitch to go to the outdoor gym, and then came back and carried on working on the spare room. It should be normal now within a few days after years of storage. I also collected all my global warming data (the flat lines and the hockey sticks for exactly the same periods) and sent it off to see if someone would write an article from it. There is a consistent theme now of massaging raw data to get a hockey stick, Dr Jim Salinger appears to have invented it and may end up barred from any organisation at the very least if gets busted. Madoff got about 120 years and they've ripped off way more than that.

Tomorrow is attempt 2 for the MOT which may well be a week off as Tuesday is blocked as a council inspector is coming 'in the afternoon' to look at the building work next door from here. Otherwise it's just a quick check to see if something I ordered weeks ago has finally arrived, and carry on tidying and gardening. I'll try the law of attraction again now I just about understand it after seeing all the lectures emailed to me, I have the book I read ages ago but didn't make an impression back then. I'll see if I can attract what I'd otherwise have called grace to fill the space ahead of me, as maybe the guidance I've experienced for over a year (and told is constant if you look for it by the Celestine Prophecy) has been gradually controlling things more myself than an unknown external intelligence. That had to use the Akashic Records to find the things I hadn't seen directly, but been connected to that as long as I remember.

If I can now use the little power I know to cover more, clairvoyance has so far only helped convince others it's real while getting me nothing. It occasionally helped me when others did it back for me, but so far haven't used it to help myself. I have shifted two big areas so far (well they coincided with my work on them) using The Secret, which is a simplified version of Abraham, and if all this can tie up together I may sort things out altogether. I do now look for the opportunities when things go dead, and what I can do when something fucks up as today. That is I admit a totally new trick as simple doesn't equate to obvious in many cases. Maybe we see or are told things when we can use them and not before. This is now a project like all others now I get the rules, and will see what happens.

Otherwise there's nothing else to report, and will see if I can use this to shift the stuck or twisted areas like the two women driving me mad at the moment. There's that margin of rather having someone with you than being alone but the person is such a bore or pain they waver between asset and liability. One here is attractive and dull, the other not that attractive, dull but not terminally, but sexually liberated. So I took the only offer on the system, but will see if that can change as well. There is a case now and I'm on it.

Monday, a week ahead

I seem to have a completely clear run at the moment to test the latest teachings- nothing's happening either way. If I can use a single trick (as I prefer to call them as we are cheating our own minds) to make it look better then I'll have learnt something pretty useful. It's basically having an open mind, and then twisting what I know so far round it may start pointing me in another direction.

So very little more to report, it's another week and should clear the spare room completely first, then work on the next room and at least will have got that sorted out. And for a very rare change I've got little more to say. I've collected quite a bit more over the last few weeks- the main thing being the media career addition, plus a couple more old signs and a few calls to the radio as usual. If I can change this vibration to attract women who aren't severely peculiar and prefer not to have around for very long that'll be the biggest thing I can change, and would probably cover a good few other areas as well. The main thrust of the latest lesson is anything's possible if you gradually shift your vibration to it, as we are creating consciously as god. Not like god but as god ourselves. It's an interesting lesson if we create ourselves as humans, forget we can change everything and spend our lives pissing around seeing if we can remember what we could do already, but if that's the game I may as well see. And I'm not sure I know many other people who even dare to claim they can do this besides the crew narrating The Secret. I have shifted two major issues using their method and the one I'm learning now combines goals with feeling good, which is really what I needed to do more as half the other things don't make that much difference.

This would also take most things out of the realm of grace and into the realm of adeptship. That's more or less witchcraft but I can't knock anything if there's no other direction available any better. I must use small goals to start with or I'll only screw up.

Busy so far

I've actually been getting on with things the last few days- Tuesday was decided when my usual visitor announced her imminent arrival, and used the time waiting for the surprise call any time like a furniture delivery starting to clear out my spare room. The lack of a dry garage meant it was lost as a room and despite the garage being the same was fed up with it. Yesterday was free and thank goodness was fit enough to get to Uxbridge where I got a very rare (unique?) studded speed limit. No paint but quite legible and all studs present. Today was free again and just went for a little walk where I used to live (it's still better than anywhere else) as I did all the bigger stuff yesterday. Then I carried on with the spare room and now the majority is done, having chucked a load of stuff the first go and moved it today. I've got a booking tomorrow before going out so that's covered as is Saturday.

I am using what I consider the pretty vague advice from Abraham-Hicks (look it up, it's everywhere) to switch my thoughts off anything negative when I notice it. In these areas it's best to learn one trick at a time and if I get this will then move on to the next one. It still seems too simple to work but nothing to lose. I do have a basic foundation, albeit alone, of having got or done more or less what needs doing long and short term, so earnt the freedom I do now have. My imagination can be stretched for ideas from time to time, but admittedly better than having to do a full time job and get hardly any chance to do what I want in what free time is left. I still believe if there is any other force at work at least half of our lives are grace anyway (ie we can do fuck all about what happens either way), as although I have to make the first step I am a witness to many more events and just have to go along with them, good or bad. Well that's all I can report for now, I don't make the rules.

Hal Lewis the prophet

Back again and under strict instructions not to moan. New trick, old dog, but better than doing nothing. Part of a pretty large and far more complex plan than it appears, see Abraham-Hicks for more details, it's all out there.
The good news being after a gap of a few months after finding the old road sign that completed my collection I managed to find another one, after covering maybe 80% of all the roads I wanted to on Streetview. Otherwise it's business as before, that will always be one way or another so the theory is I have to change. I did see my own recollection of being like a rubber band, I can be stretched a bit but always snap back to more or less before, as that appears to be my nature. If there's any way to fix that it'll be worth it.

So being limited to not mentioning the war or anything like it, I've covered the past, most of my philosophy and am only really left with the everyday stuff only a few of us are moved to tell the world. So I have to look both ways now, see which feels better and follow it. That's the way I've found to start applying these rules, and gradually it becomes natural. Officially. Meanwhile on twitter despite the first scientist jumping ship on global warming (Hal Lewis) many disciples are unmoved, choosing to dismiss any scientist who isn't their version of the Jehovah's Witnesses. And we all know how hard it is to argue with them. But I work one at a time, it's not a problem for me but an inevitable mission. If I am being hurt or others are as well then if I can do anything to stop it I do, as everyone else able to should. With the internet this is the way I can do the most, and if I change one single mind I've won. More is a miracle. And I no longer have to quote myself as a non-scientist, but the new Christ to Al Gore's antichrist Hal Lewis. I don't think he realises that as the first name to leave the bandwagon his reasons for leaving, the same as mine and most other sensible people's, will be quoted as a scientists' and not our own ignorant opinions. Forget Al Gore's lack of credentials, money will buy anything in the short term, but this is now the bible of Hal Lewis. I can only hope one by one more will now have the courage to follow him now they can't be the first.

So this blog is the first opportunity to use my new trick (for all methods which beat human nature must be tricks to beat what is a powerful mind) as tomorrow and ahead are no different from previous weeks besides the actual order of events, but must not be negative about it. That's test one and I'm onto it.
That's as far as I can go at the moment, it's a tall order but the only one worth following.

It should be guided

I will take three alternative scenarios today. That which says there are no coincidences and everything happens exactly as it's designed to, including what we think are our own decisions, the middle new age ground that says we are given opportunities by design but down to our free will what we do about them, implying personal growth is totally down to us, and the third control scenario of science which says there's no meaning in anything and it's all random.

I'll just look at the first for now, that everything including our decisions is planned. That means today everything that happened including my tiredness which led to the very limited usage of the time was totally unavoidable. If that's the case there is a goal and the only way to reach it is for everything to happen exactly the way it does, like a good film with no loose ends. Every event large and small contributes and has a significance, and without a single one happening the final result may not be guaranteed. In my case I seem to be being torn apart, with every fear I've ever had and a few I didn't know about being presented to me as a reality, and although I'm still hear to tell the tale my own being currently has been reduced to almost constant hypervigilance. For those not familiar with PTSD that means you expect the worst in every area relating to your past experience and then have to relearn how to get each area one by one back into normal proportion. The end result if successful would be a virtual immunity to everything as there'd be nothing left to fear, as all your fears had become real and then put away or better still thrown away. That's the theory anyway and then it means I'm clear for future success without suddenly finding a panic attack wrecks whatever gifts I'd been given before being prepared to cope with it all.

So today was day two of my total freedom this week, I was still relatively tired after the builders woke me up again yesterday so in the end with no other ideas went to the shops and came back. That is it. To the random view that was a wasted day, but the planned view means it's a vital route to a final ending. The clues are there to stop a total despair, and my latest career step of having a published article tells me I must be doing something right. There's only one thing wrong with my life now, and that's having to live alone. Women come and go randomly whatever I do or don't do, I've been chasing them since nursery school (I always knew what they were for unlike some men even at my age), maybe it was some sort of instinct or genetic memory. I haven't been rejected by a woman recently as I haven't tried any. I've had offers though and so far turned them all down besides the bedroom ones. Anything else has been from women without all three requirements and am too old and tired to spend my time and effort with one eye looking for someone new. I never did really but in the past normally waited till they qualified or dumped them and waited for someone better when they turned out not to. Back when there were still single women my age that is.

The lack of free will has been mentioned before but for the three of you here who probably haven't seen it I have found even when I've made apparent mistakes they've got me somewhere I'd have missed otherwise. Not just once, take a wrong turning or get stopped at a red light and you see something you'd never have otherwise. Something points me everywhere so presumably decides when I meditate and who I find to watch online for more satsang. I have now reached the stage where whenever I look I am totally aware I am not here. To advaita students that means a step up, but only one to actually having it without having to look and keeping it all the time. But it's no longer a theory, I do experience it, and am aware of it as a reality. Technically I don't experience it actually, as it's a realisation there is no I to experience, only what is happening in that awareness, I is a thought that has been picked up some time after birth.

What the heck is it all leading to though I wonder? The mundaneness of the everyday life at the moment, article or not, is just as it was, as I'm only aware of the higher stuff when it happens and then return to before. Not even a slight colouring of the clear water with the new pigment of energy, but a total return to the ordinary. I think that only starts to happen at the next stage, one which is a lot closer to the final event should it ever occur. It is a series of initiations, starting with my bar mitzvah, then my degree, diploma, and various lesser ones. Each is harder to control or see happening, so can't just take the course, do the exams and pass or fail, but have aims and less and less ideas how to carry them out. Meditation is like insomnia, you can't sleep at will with insomnia, you lie down and sleep or not by grace. As you don't need results from meditation to survive that is even less likely to produce results, or control the few you do get. But you know without it you'll have none at all and there's no other route there besides it happening on its own.

I've been told I've given up, but then again giving up is the final step before enlightenment. I've simply realised there wasn't anything I could actually do, and probably never was besides what was obvious.

I'm not changing

It's all gone very quiet. The work has been done, the muck has been cleared and even the money has been earned, and I'm left with whatever is left. There's nothing wrong, but nothing else really, unless I'm missing it. So if I make the first move, what move exactly is that? No ideas or inspiration coming. And I've got yet another bollocking for complaining here, but seeing if I can analyse it am basically who I am, and however much I am stretched will nearly always snap back to usual unless I'm actually broken. I grow by learning, not by changing. I don't change really, unless I lose something and that's shrinking. But growing? The only growth I know is spiritual growth, and rather than piddle about with small changes in your reactions and habits etc you transcend the lot and meditate. If I learnt to meditate and didn't then I'd deserve a bollocking but in 37 years (the age when I learnt) I'd never found anything else that did a thing really in comparison. So although I'm always happy to learn any escape route from a pile of manure I find myself in I don't think I'm going to change, and nor is anyone else by design either.

Plans. Well that's a good question, and besides going to the bank tomorrow for a change as I've actually earned some money to put in it's wait and see City Arizona. I also hope to get a copy of the magazine with my article by Tuesday assuming Smiths finally have it by then, if not it'll be ordered. I wrote the second article and sent it off already so hope to see a followup to keep that momentum going. I'll have to sort out the woman who wants to marry me without a relationship first- it's an offer of sorts but not even close to the mark. I'd only be missing a boring life with no opportunity of meeting anyone better, however long the odds. And if this looks like it I'm not really complaining- if you analyse it so far it's about half and half, which is exactly what my teacher Nick says is part of duality. It all evens out. So if someone writes about all the good times only then either they're just leaving out the rest or will have some big heap of it coming sooner or later, we all do.

So there's how it is right now. Things must be improving, but asI know what I want as I've had it and lost it then until I get it back I won't be right really. And no reason why I should, it's not normal or natural to be stuck on your own unless you're weird enough as many claim to enjoy it. Well I don't.