It's not happening

Thursday is over, and just realised I've written this on February 29th. And it's the year of the rat, and I was born in a leap year and rat. That means every 4th sign must hit a leap year. More or less as for whatever reason Chinese years don't match ours exactly.
I was about to talk about something but that just occurred to me.

I'm actually incredibly busy. It seems the lack of outside news has forced me to make my own activities, and each day despite often not having a clue what I'll do have now covered miles of places taking photos and videos, and bough a few little bits and pieces as well. The only contact I've had with the media was an email from one place telling me not to keep emailing them (in a nice way) as they were still waiting for the information. From who- God himself? Fuck me, if my business was organised like that I'd be quite eligible for excommunication. If someone phones you and asks a question then you usually answer, but use email and you can put it off till retirement. Now one trail I followed was correct, a production company I worked with (for an afternoon anyway) did go bust, but the good news was my project was taken on with a few of their staff by another agency. Who don't even answer their fucking phones. For weeks. Had I been a paying customer I expect they'd all get their cocks out and ask me if I wanted a lick, but ex-client (unpaid) and you may as well be a typhoid carrier. Bastards.

I have been told by everyone I know in the media (it's called networking and pure luck in some cases) that this is par for the course. Now OK, if they're nice to everyone until they've finished with them (like the worst salesmen) and then drop them like a used tampon what if they need you again? That is not a way to make yourself a reputation.
Please God the next job gets used and even if not, sooner or later I could reach the status where they may actually respect me and decide I'm worthy of receiving money as well. Meanwhile on a similar vein the last series of Grange Hill (they actually had it last year) was repeated this week on CBBC where it was shifted last year without one viewer knowing (including me). So I though thank goodness, I'm able to see it again. Episode 1 was Monday, oddly at lunchtime when lots of schoolkids are watching. Not. It was scheduled for every day till the series finished and by Tuesday had been cancelled. If it's on again next week I'll get over the treatment, but where the hell did it go and why? They're all at it, the third series of Mystery Hunters apparently was never shown in the USA. They're now starting filming the 4th, and as it's no longer shown here and the USA are still playing repeats then who the hell's meant to see it outside Canada where it's made?

Meanwhile I carry on driving round London with cameras and tidying the house while Rome burns, Prince Harry is in Afghanistan, other items are being used considered more important than my article, producers are losing their businesses, more series are being pulled, women are not thinking about me, new buildings are being planned for after I'll be dead, and nothing actually ever happens or changes.
I still hope to become famous, however long it takes. It's started, very slowly, but has begun. I may not be working that much now to earn it but put in enough in the buildup that it's all a delayed reaction. But a million times more likely than a decent woman. Apparently.

Progress suspended

Well, there are parallel lives going on at the moment, the one I could have and the real one with nothing really. I've managed to keep occupied each day and besides being in communication with said authorities causing the delays have not a scrap more information when any of these jobs will be complete. So I make a photo, video and shopping schedule and each day do as much as I can in an afternoon and fill the gaps with walks and bike rides. Nearly all alone but used to that now.

My final shopping eneded on ebay, getting two Jewish figures a fraction of the price the one shop had them I visited. Living in exile in multicultural NW9 (minus my own) I decided to make the house a cultural centre so I felt at home once I stepped in from the gentile desert outdoors. I always say when I lived in hampstead Garden Suburb I could be ignored by Jewish neighbours rather than Goyish, but at least you see them around which happened about twice in the 12 years I've been here. I just feel like the latke at a wake, to reverse the cliche.

I am wondering if any of the media projects will complete at the moment, let alone when. Professionals relax as they are paid regardless of usage, us lot who volunteer get nothing besides the exposure. If not it was a nice day meeting another film crew and fuck all else. OK, the last TV programme has produced a nice DVD distributed for the participants, but unless I decide to set up my own TV station no one else will see it at the moment.
Tomorrow is another in a run of free days I've used very well so far, at this rate I'll have one of the largest catalogues of pictures of North London in the world and videoed every main road as well. Anyone can do it with basic equipment but few bother. I've only seen a few road trips in the UK and haven't looked abroad yet on Youtube. After the current TV projects I really want to do a tour of London suburbs as I've seen single episodes and was so fascinated it started me off as soon as I could afford a camera. I know the place as well as anyone could and expect it would have enough people interested to watch, just like 'My Street' tonight on Channel4 which was exactly the sort of programme I would have done myself if I'd slept with (male) producers at college instead of studying law. Or both even. I do have standards though. It is odd that women lose nothing doing so as they just have to lower their standards to advance their careers. I have yet to hear of a woman boss who wanted male applicants to have sex for favours. The world can be a cruel place at times.

I don't believe it!

Still keeping busy, and mostly from my own efforts. Even the small amounts of information I've squeezed out of people have been from constant tries before the right person was located. Many have yet to reply but I have their numbers and no longer bother to wait forever in case they get round to it. No, I am as important as anyone else they deal with.
The good weather has helped of course, plenty of photos and videos, and plenty of little jobs to do indoors when it goes quiet.

I make lists to keep me organised and occupied, so there aren't too many times when I totally run out of things to do. It's incredibly similar to those marooned on an island as there's no one else there to make the activities for you. I can invite others but they have to agree and those who invite me have to be worth doing as well. Not many coincide any more though so nearly all solitary pursuits and family visits. So on the big issues I am waiting on all. At least there are media projects, and I still have a few on the go. Toby Young had an article about his life in The Independent this weekend and saw two photos of him as I remembered from the 70s. It's good to see people doing well who deserve it as too many like Paris Hilton, Lady Victoria Hervey, the Palmer-Tomkinsons and the like are famous because they are rich, not the other way round. Why the obsession with the sort of people you are jealous of as well as those you admire is a mystery to me. Anyone born with millions is no different to anyone else except they have the freedom to do what they like and hangers on who hope for a few crumbs. But famous for it? My arse.

At least people in Big Brother have to suffer for weeks for their fame and few keep it up after the first few months it ends. As they haven't got any reason to be famous besides their exposure. Better to build up slowly for a reason, and I am slowly doing that after many years working to get the letters after my name that get me the work in the first place. Hare and tortoise scenarios. With the patience of a saint. And while I wait each day occupied is a little miracle that I find something new to do each time.
I still leave the really boring stuff indefinitely but we're all human in that respect. But that doesn't include enquiries from people, only getting in touch with them because it's my turn to do so with no actual other reason. You have to have priorities. I doubt I'll get much this week or the week beyond on the media front, besides me calling a producer if not heard by Friday (now I know the new location). After leaving a message last Friday that is. The rule should be if you have no news at least tell people if they ask, and if possible why. I'm not going to ring the newspapers (like they'd care) to say a TV company is having legal problems getting a programme out, but if it's my programme I'd bloody well like to know. Otherwise it looks like they don't care and are just leaving it to rot, which would make no financial sense.

It's also interesting the said company have no idea the programme even exists any more, although they commissioned it. I hope they have their records lost by the government and they moan, and I can say 'serves you fucking well right for doing it yourselves'. It's the same people in every office in the world who do this, it's pure chance where they are and what they lose. But the one thing they never had to begin with is brains. Anyone can foul up something difficult but not getting addresses wrong or not keeping proper records. We could do that in primary school when we played shops and if we could then these airheads are just taking the piss wherever they are.

Busy week for a change

Besides the usual photos and videos I spent this week spending some of my birthday money, and actually got quite a few things on my list despite only spending £20. That's the way I shop, I saw a few other items for £20-30 each and thought they were a waste, and got far more than I expected after a few days looking around and was offered the final item I was after as a present next week.
I also spent a couple of days chasing up my media projects, and if nothing else have plenty more information. It's a start, positive, but not close to an actual date on any of them. But as long as they're alive I'm OK. The trouble is none of these steps have made a difference to my life so far of course. New pictures and books are nice but don't change your life much.

I was also expecting a few more replies which have been totally absent, one was promised over a week ago and the other is a total mystery. Hopefully both will be cleared up next week. The 'active' woman in my life seems more interested in keeping occupied than in me. The other is a long shot in many ways but is actually suitable and interested. Many couples meet and after decades of separation finally unite, and this is no reason not to either. If she's now single anyhow. But after expecting little or nothing this week I made plans each day and did all the work myself, relying on no one to get the activities and results. Whether I can keep this up is debatable, I have a few photo trips coming up next week onwards, and how long any media news will take is anyone's guess.
I am also working a little more on flogging my artwork after my old school sent an ad for an art sale in May. No reply from there either but it could be half term.

It is boring meanwhile when despite getting a lot done (I even fixed the mileometer on my bike at last) nothing is happening. I did see a youtube video describing enlightenment in a way that finally made sense to me and means I now see it as a genuine state achieved through effort and not chance. I have the method ( see www.nickroach.co.uk), a website I also contributed quite a bit to anonymously. Most teachers say to focus on any aspect of the present and they must have a point.
I hope tomorrow is more exciting than expected, as I'm going out later I really can't be bothered driving around first, will do the online quiz at 2 and then maybe saved up jobs indoors at last. At least I'll have the time to do them. It's no joke being alone I can tell you.

A life of holes

I've so far managed to get a quart out of a pint pot over the last week or so, but am wondering how long this can continue. With anything major possible it brings into very clear focus exactly what you do have in life, which is actually very little. Besides a possible newspaper article there are a few small items on the system with an equally small chance of appearing. The holes and no cheese.

This week I only have some trivial photo trips and housework known in advance, and know this could go on for months before I even hear about the article, let alone anything else. So I have a very rough skeleton and am wondering if anything more will ever add to it. Even the small steps that have been made in the last couple of years are just that and haven't changed my life yet.
I've given up trying to make sense of it. Even when you understand certain things it can't affect them. I am mainly a speactator now who does what he's told and searches for activities that are available. Even some silly little things, like when someone starts off incredibly helpful and efficient, offers service within a short time and then vanishes without delivering a thing. I couldn't dream of cutting anyone out of the loop on any project. Even telling someone to wait is enough. But they just don't bother.

Even tonight someone said they were getting a guest on the radio at 10pm when they normally do at 11. I trust my source yet not only was it not at 10 the person hasn't even been mentioned. They waste our time and offer whatever suits them at the time except for the rare decent ones, in every field. But letting people down is so unnecessary. It takes no more effort to correct a mistake in communication than it takes to make it. You can't plan ahead that much but for christ's sake tell people when you muck up. Again I've had three in a bunch doing this which is a communication that seems to have a purpose.

In fact last week I decided although I couldn't understand many psychic powers I would still research them, and the next day I read the same thing in a magazine. That includes coincidences and I will accept at least there is some control over our lives although clear something more than we know has to be causing them. But why make the consequences so dire or depressing? Why let me down three times in a week or so just to make a point I knew already? Some are to learn to handle or tolerate the inevitable problems, but others are just a pain in the arse and appear to teach me nothing besides confirm things do happen in bunches. At least I am confident in healing now as whatever power I channel often works and science can't fathom that one out let alone my brain.

So, another week ahead of impossibilities. And fucking Valentine's day where the toxic waste of the media is unavoidably seen and heard by every person in the world serially unaffected by the message. Another nail in the coffin of the quality of life. I do enjot moaning at least but will be delighted one day when I come here with nothing to moan about. Not for a while I suspect, if ever. Just reading the signs...

Have you been?

A bit of a quiet time so decided to come here rather than go to bed alone. I was actually going to watch videos but they wanted calls on ufos on the radio and 2 hours later not one person has called. Been busy online anyway. I've updated all the normal stuff on the funtrivia blog already and don't feel like repeating today's shopping and small shifts on the media projects. Looking ahead (as now is not very interesting) there is still nothing very interesting. More 99p pizzas I just bought (I prefer the good ones but there weren't any there) and taking something back to the shop where they insisted what I bought does what it doesn't.

I've actually added quite a lot recently but seen none of it. I was seen coast to coast on US cable for an indeterminate time last month, waiting to probably be in a national paper for the first time (named anyway, I was in the Telegraph magazine when I was about 12), and planning a new TV programme. But every one of these is far off, the DVD of the programme will probably be in weeks, the paper in a few months and the new programme maybe a year or two. Now is something different. Looking forward to returning a dodgy item to a shop of morons is not the greatest thing to anticipate in life, and back to a bog standard weekend I presume after that. The female interest has failed so far since showing an initial interest. The second possible one is months away if even available. The week so far has actually been ok but this is a little gap and hopefully if tomorrow even if one little thing I'd like to happen does then it will take me away from the limbo now.

The new Facebook application 'would you do me' is possibly the best cultural influence this century, I lost the best one and hope if I click enough pictures it will come back as many do. If we can all find just one local one who means it then we'll all be well away. Hopefully they won't want a meal first as I hate eating out.

Universal disappointment

Another phase in life, and a real pisser this time. Nearly but not quite, the British disease. In the last few weeks I nearly got published in a national paper, nearly got somewhere with someone who may become a girlfriend, nearly met someone I met online, nearly saw myself in a TV programme and quite a few more I've lost track of.
Of course what this actually means is I didn't get anything and although half this list is likely to happen eventually (and I know exactly which half) it makes the present no more bearable and less boring. I have used the lack of activity to create endless photographic records, venturing further and further into oblivion (Hertfordshire) as you have to keep finding new areas. I am now planning a few videos with me in them instead of filming, and will set that up soon. The almost total lack of outside activities will force me to finish the stuff at home that's been piling up for months and like when the internet goes down will finally start getting looked at.

After a call to the newspaper with no response I've let that one go, if they suddenly do it then great but it's no longer on the system. I'm seeing a producer this week about another programme so keep moving career wise anyhow. Apart from that I have one booking so far this week and am seeing my American cousin on Friday, typical when I have so many the only two I got on with are either abroad or dead. And old as actually my mother's cousins. All the rest are very much local, alive and absent.
So there's no more disappointment left now as there's nothing left not to happen. If that makes sense. I do start to see the sense in the people who left home to meditate for months or more as you can actually see the benefits there and it doesn't rely on anyone else. That should make me do more at home and maybe it will. I haven't stopped but the internet has always seemed to win. I tried to join a forum for the group I joined last night but besides wanting to know virtually how often you wank, do you have impure thoughts and are you a criminal they also called you from abroad and charged you for it. Now a local call costs almost £6 if the charges are reversed as I once discovered, so imagine one from India. I'd rather save the money for my next car.
It was a shame as I'd like to talk with people who understand the same things as me, but not for that price.

So, no business as usual. I've managed to keep incredibly busy since the newspaper interview and even though the ideas are running out hope to continue, but you can't help seeing everything that isn't there, and wondering how each time manages to evaporate to nothing. As I said, some are still possible but no longer officially alive. I'm also waiting to see if they tell me how many people watched my programme last month. In the UK you become famous simply by being seen by a million or more viewers. Of course they are all in a small area so will be more likely to bump into other people who have seen it and be able to talk about it, but I suspect I may have reached that as the show, although on a pay channel, was available coast to coast. Did any Americans see episode 6 'Alien Abduction- true confessions'? If so, that was me!

Five more things

Just found this elsewhere on a blog and thought I'd pass a little time:

1. What were you doing 10 years ago? In 1998 I was newly unemployed, 6 months into meditation, just finished with an extremely aggravating girlfriend and from what I remember doing very little. Only internet access was the library.

2. What were you doing one year ago? I think by now a year means very little in life. I seem to remember I'd just seen my 2nd TV speaking role on cable, and otherwise was going round taking photos and wandering around as usual.

3. Five songs you know the lyrics to: Probably a few Ivor Biguns, I'm a wanker, I've farted and My brother's got piles. Sang them at a comedy show once. I learn the odd song right through but rarely remember it all for long.

4. Five things you would do if you were a millionaire. Move back to Hampstead Garden Suburb, get a video camera with a separate microphone and editing suite, buy a decent synthesiser, get an HDTV with digital TV recorder, get a new laptop

5. Five bad habits. Impatience, rambling, going to bed too late, complaining, gossiping about people.

Either way...

Keeping busy can produce some interesting results. Being forced to be distracted from what may never happen in the newspaper has concentrated my attention, and besides a tiny bit of work between Friday and yesterday have been free to run wild. Taking photos in the rain in Golders Green and driving across Hampstead and Highgate with a video camera (bearing in mind the light goes at 3.30pm) is what happens when I run wild. But looking through the files wondered if I now have the world's biggest collection of photos of London NW11 (well over 1000) which ought to be put in a museum at least. The Golders Green photo museum, ran by me. That is an idea, except for the fact if it was located in Golders Green everyone going to see them would have just seen the same places before seeing the photos of them. A bit of a non-starter really.

I am majorly running out of ideas now, and officially there's only a week left for the paper to use the piece I'm in, and being the first after what will be 48 years on Tuesday is rather important. Possible date on Wednesday, visitors on birthday weekend and nothing else known. The paranoia about wasting the opportunity of using the article grows each day nothing happens, and the media are notorious for not using material. Nothing I can do about it. My latest photo album arrived yesterday, and with no known mistakes. I'll have to try and sell a few more now, when the weather improves anyway.

So, having a major career possibility contrasted the existing lack of anything at all in my life, another woman may be possible as well later in the year but that is very early days. If nothing happens then so be it, and the fact the media career also includes 3 speaking parts on TV, plus one I'm about to see when the DVD arrives. So slowly building, but so slowly there's as yet no public presence or image. The paper would fix that, and the career now rests on a knife edge.
Everyone would be the same in that position and most probably have what could be called a life to distract them from it. I have a camera and NW London. That is it at the moment. Until the book deal. My arse.

Plans continue

I didn't want anyone to think I'd dropped off or anything, and I have actually been busier doing things than writing, plus half my activities haven't been completed yet so only one to report. That was my 3rd speaking TV part, on Women's Entertainment TV, a cable channel across the US, and hopefully I'll get a DVD soon so I can see it. That was on Saturday.
I am also awaiting a date for a newspaper appearance, more on that when it comes. That kept me busy for a day or so anyhow.

Otherwise it's business as per, another possible woman on the system, again more when it happens there, the other one should be seen next week as well. No work this week, I mopped up two videos so far on the new camera and plenty of photos, and tomorrow haven't a clue as although it's nice to be free there's only so much to do when there's no one else around. I'll have to wait and see. Of course the main thing is to get a newspaper date so in quiet moments is hard not to worry about that.
So quite a lot has happened but only a little reached me. Another album is due in a day or two, and I have followed up the IQ situation a lot further as well. It seems if I can provide evidence Mensa will consider it (did I tell them I was 11 though? that could make a difference). I traced my psychologist to heaven (should it exist) as she was an alter cacker back then so no surprise she is long gone. That is basically an end to my chance of getting her records, and my mum has mislaid the file with the correspondence we did have in 1971 although we doubt it had an IQ result. I expect I'll have to take it again either way and not hopeful of my ability any more. The media exposure is more important but both would be nice of course, why either/or?

Well, tomorrow is another day, the week has been productive so far but the ideas are running out. There's plenty of crap to do at home but I'd like something to do out when it's light as well. I've videoed NW11, NW2, NW3 and N2 now and that presumably means N6 next. That's covered that although I was there last week after an NW11 trip. As I can't do multiple Youtube clips as it needs a mains plug to do it I am taking a 3-4 minute video and then any photos in the same direction. Of course on VHS I kept filming while I had places to take but I don't know if I can make files any other way without possibly an expensive editing program. One I couldn't figure out probably either.
So I have to do one video even though I can get lots in a couple of hours, and at least it forces me to find other places for photos as well, Bounds Green today. Right, that's Thursday (or my next trip) taken care of. That fixes another day. It's nice when you don't have to rely on your own resources as well though.

While I'm here...

Speculation is the fuel of the media, and I am no better, except I admit no news allows speculation as it's human nature. I have many starts and few finishes, and even the finishes are graded by their effects. Most are good to have done but have no effect afterwards. The TV programmes would have both a possible delayed reaction plus the ability to make more on the back of them. One more on Saturday, the biggest so far but not in this country. These have the biggest potential for my life since getting my degree almost half my life ago, although the results are a lot vaguer and longer term. But repeats alone have meant despite one channel being pulled in the UK I must have been on about 10 times in the last year in this country, however few watch it.

I often struggle to make plans when old ones are done, and producing more paintings is fine but doesn't sell any more. I'm ordering another photo album this week as I have enough new photos to make one, but haven't yet got round to making more sales trips. Maybe when the weather improves. The female situation has slightly improved, one possible and one new arrival. Of course if both prove goers I'll make my choice, but so far one is going in about first gear.

Other than that I just looked up to find Mensa have changed the rules since my disastrous attempt to allow any official test results for entry. Pity they didn't then as mine was in 1971, one of the two involved has definitely died and the other was probably older so little chance of any contact. Why we weren't all given our results in writing is truly a mystery- I'm sure my parents paid very nicely for their time and besides me writing the score and components in my diary recall no other documentation. Who would have thought 36 years later I'd have probably been able to use such a document not so much for status but the only missing area I know for a social life. I met some of the potential members at the tests and some of the women would have made very good possible targets (as I see them as a man). And anyone in the place clearly looks at other members first or why bother to join in the first place?
Anyway, besides the fact they take tests at any age I don't think they become obsolete but once taken last for life. So for the lack of proper paperwork plus a change in rules (I certainly didn't see this rule back then) I may have lost my chance for a little extra in life. Academic qualifications are useful in business but have no benefit on your social life. I have asked if there's any way to validate said test results as I have names and dates but am not expecting much back. But I know I could make it now as the qualifications now include my own. A sworn document maybe (ha bloody ha...).

Anyway, I'm so far free this week (a good thing, sod the money), and will be taking videos to replace the ones taken on the digital camera, and they are all easy ones. I also won a word quiz today from I think 128 people which was quite satisfying. It all helps.

Another week

As I say, life passes and so does wind. And wind passing can often be more fun. I've sort of repeated each day in a variation this week. Even with the rain I've been able to take a video rather than many photos, and many more photos in places I wouldn't have dreamed of going until I used the others up and still got some nice results.

The women (two to be exact) are around one way or another, I say two as one more may be a possibility but can't say more until I know. If there are two (I can't think of that happening except once when the other chucked me anyway when I'd met the second one) I'd choose between them, but would need to have one or both available in the first place which I currently haven't.
The TV programme is in just over a week in America and then I hope to see it and also the whole series if they send me the DVD. I'm helping out on the website's forum as well as they have a number of abductees plus some fundamentalists that say the aliens are all demons. Yes, god created demons just to give us a hard time. Except very few of them do. Never mind, they know no more about them than anyone else which is why it's so easy to put any label on them we want as basically we haven't a clue.

Little ahead any different really, it has been a particularly boring week, even what little I did was no more than a blip in the horizontal line, returning to an empty house except for the odd message left by a cat.

Have I really succeeded at all in life? (inspired by a recent TV quote)? Wanting to be married from 24 onwards and have a few children I'm now approaching double that and although the business side was taken care of the people have dropped off one by one so whatever little resources I have are not to be shared with anyone. There's only so much you can do on your own and the current woman who is around shares the conversation of a not very bright 8 year old. Of course her other qualities make up for it but she can't provide much on that front somehow. Number two is some way off yet if a genuine hope and I only work with what I actually have in life, not smoke.

It only takes one or two people to turn it round. And if not the right ones they are no more company than the cat, often less. I have absolutely no plans for the week ahead, if it's light I can do yet more photos in weird places, then spend the rest of the day at home on the computer or eating in front of the TV. Now normally most people would say that's a good thing, but not when you can't share it with anyone. That is not how it should be.

Busy new year

It seems I must have actually been doing things this year more than having time to write about them. Now that makes a change. Few have been very life changing, if any. I have seen a number of friends, as many were off over the Christmas period, and heard from a very welcome one as well. There are a few plans on those fronts but can't report unless there's anything to report after the events.
My American TV series started on Saturday, I'll be on in 2 weeks but until I get a DVD can't actually see it. Meanwhile my own Big Brother connections are slowly growing after seeing someone I know arrive in the celebrity cock up version they started last week. Being well over twice their age (it's a school leaver's edition) I really can't relate to any of them as however similar any may have been to me at that age (which none are) I can't really enthuse about meeting anyone of that age, except for a shag of course.

Other activities have included the usual photos despite the light going by 3, and sorting out the video so the buildings are now the right shape. I've been working on the car the last two days, with the garage's help, and a bit more booked for next week. After clearing the clothes cupboard for the first time since it was built in 1999 I still didn't find my decent trousers but did find some other long lost items.

This week the plans are slowly building up, work and things tomorrow so won't be out, possible visitor the next day and then I'm not sure, but if free am going to Dudden Hill to take photos since seeing a picture of it and finding something worth looking at there. Due to finding the 'Things to like about West Hampstead' group I decided to search around the roads there and did find a few very interesting ones plus some over the line in Cricklewood. And yes, I've taken a few people with me to take photos now so not the solitary pursuit it usually was. You can't tell by looking of course but once or twice they've taken a photo of me to spot the fact.

If I can add to this picture of suburban life with any more exciting news I will be only too pleased. I have many starts but not enough finishes, and of course the more major the plan the less likely the finish. I have a few on the go at the moment as I said, but always prefer to reveal the rare finishes than the hundreds of starts. That's normal but what isn't are the few finishes I've had outside the academic area and buying my house. Others mean looking back to my childhood period. No wonder I'm so stuck in nostalgia much of the time.

Christmas arse

Have I been too busy to blog or too little to report? Well, that never stopped me in the past, but then I could talk about all my ideas which have really been used up since I started. The rest has been totally routine except seeing someone I hadn't seen for nearly 30 years from Facebook which is another thing that would have been impossible without the internet.
The rest is potential. People coming to me tomorrow night, one or two VIPs (one I think as the second hasn't replied) but she is the main one on the list for that event. Tuesday should provide the exact date and time of my American TV programme, and I'm still working as per usual which makes up for the months earning nothing previously. The video camera has now been fully tweaked so should behave almost perfectly now, so weather permitting will be filming travel videos of 4 minutes of Golders Green, Hampstead (again?), Brent Cross and Staples Corner (again?), and maybe even Highgate (the last one I took wasn't readable).

I've learnt a lot from the other therapists here, mainly that we are human and allowed to have weird lives and talk about them, not to hide from possible client views but show them an example how we are all free to express ourselves. Being different is certainly not being insane. And we are all looking for the same things, we just get it in different ways. A background of comfort with extra peak experiences. Neither can be created at will. I can't do more than work to buy my house but can't get a friend, woman or family member to share it with. I can make arrangements of all sorts but may not enjoy them. Etc. As I've done enough running around for me in this life and possibly more than others have in theirs I'm very happy to stay at home and around it with nice people. I've seen enough of the world for a sample of most different places and it has no more or less in one place than anything else. And most can be found in London anyway if you know where to look. Possibly only a small part compared to miles of scenery elsewhere, but my photos testify to how diverse London is and contains many of the best and worst places I've ever been to.

For those who know, take Tottenham and Hampstead Garden Suburb. 5 miles apart at most but could be on different planets. Or Blackheath and Deptford, just 2 miles apart. Even my old house was 1/4 of a mile from some of the worst roads I've ever been to in my life. Then apart from the countryside much of England is nondescript. Either identical rows of Victorian, 30s or council houses. Impossible to distinguish from Devon to Newcastle. OK, there are some local islands of variation due to quarries making grey or yellow stone but outside them it is pretty uniform.
Other countries have their own styles like the Dutch and American wooden henhouses which line miles of identical roads from coast to coast. That isn't from TV, I've covered about 10 states so can say apart from local styles normally borrowed from the Spanish their states vary as little as our counties. I digress.

That's why I no longer need to travel. I may fill in a few more trips while I live, but relaxing at home with friends or family suits me nowadays. It always did between trips out but they have been exhausted and I can do nearly anything within the small local area. I just need a woman who agrees and I am sorted. They do exist but like truffles are hard to find, but unlike truffles the good ones are not always in the same places. They can turn up anywhere, and this decade I have worked through cleaners (not my own), colleagues, agencies, exes, shop workers, gym staff and members, and anyone I can try and pull at a funeral. The success rates are as random as the places. No rule, no guide, just keep looking. I'll add what used to be Middlesex has a thriving mental (ill) health community which I am closely tied up with. They meet in hospital, make friends elsewhere and then introduce them to their community. Each stay has a selection of old friends and most I have met know the others. Besides the pain of the illness they seem to have it better socially than any other Middlesex residents. And they don't of course tell you they've been there till they vanish and discover sooner or later they've gone back there again.

So I have a simple formula I have no power to fulfil, just an aim. Far less than most. Of course I want to be famous and as rich as possible but that is not necessary for pleasure, just a bonus. And ones within my control as business related. That's why they have slowly progressed over the years while the others, which I got without trying, have gone. I've even said here a few times I'm open to offers and if my way of life sounds better than the endless restaurants, concerts and films most people seem to do in between their full time jobs then I am here. I met my last girlfriend online so know it's as good a place as anywhere else. The other people I met here have been as much as I expected them to be as if I'd got to know them face to face, and know you learn as much here as you do that way or watching them on Big Brother. The information is the same however you learn it.

North Circular video

A quick local trip with the new camera just to try it out

It's Christmas! Can I swear?

Bollocks I can... Yes, the time has arrived, and not wanting to be yet another depressing message about spending Christmas alone I'll leave it at that. It's only just past midnight, and if dry and still light am planning to be possibly the only street photographer in action later on hopefully in the NW6 area. I am seeing my family later but it's a usual day so far.

I've already mentioned everything possibly ahead beyond today, and the last few days have only been occupied playing and writing quizzes online as well as missing a gym session as they closed very early and apparently didn't play a weekly football prediction game last week I was doing very well in till then. Tiny things but that's all I have at the moment. I've also lost a file which was literally next to the computer and involved about 12 pages printed off the internet I don't want to do again. So I'll spend a little more time looking for it although there was no chance it could be anywhere I can't see right now.

It's not new year yet but just looking at 2007 it has had its moments. Two more TV programmes in the can and one woman just crossed my pass mark with. I won't go into details with but you can work it out. Off the top of my head I can't think of much else beyond the usual, I took a couple of thousand photos, got the new video camera and produced some more albums. Average amount of work (always is overall although it has come in bunches for as long as I remember), and don't think I've seen anyone or been anywhere special, but also realised I don't have to. It's the people we know and see the whole time that count and if they're not there that's when life changes. Mine have drifted away gradually since 1981 and am now down to very few but know they come and go as they choose and not as I choose.
I may even go to bed early tonight, I've been online most of the day and really haven't got much else to do here. Too late for TV even if there was anything. All we need in life is someone to talk to at home and otherwise we are bound to run out of occupations. There really is only so much you can do at home and besides my photos the lack of friends nowadays has made going out pretty limited as well. So that is 2007, and no amount of therapy and meditation, let alone all this law of attraction pony is going to change that. Some things are truly out of our hands and I am unable to do a thing more to change it.

Friday report

I'm pleased to see the blog community has become active again, the period of posts from 2003 and 4 being displayed as most recent seem over and whatever the reason it all seems to have woken up at last.
For the new readers I ran out of my own philosophy months ago when I'd completed the circle and found there was little or nothing new to discover. All I learned was we should aim for pleasure but have no direct way of achieving it. Sad but true. Since then all I can report are my own experiences towards or away from said pleasure and also appeared to have run out of toilet related stories as you can only rearrange the essential topics in a few ways before you've done it all. Including someone wiping it on the wall in 1964.

So, since last visit I have just been given half the schedule for my easily biggest TV appearance. It's only the first week but implies I am on WETV (US cable) on Jan 19th at 8.30 EST. Alien Abduction (Ayumi episode) for anyone who can get it. All on their website www.wetv.com .
with more detail next month. Unlike my last UK filming which has been put on ice and now even the producer has gone incommunicado although the series is made and on DVD for participants already. I think there must be legal problems as little else can halt plans like that.
I am also carving out a small social life for the next couple of weeks, one certain and the next movable but probable around that time. More on that after any possible event. Work is dribbling back which is useful and when the light is OK I'm still doing the videos. I was up too late today for it but have another planned when I can. Maybe even tomorrow.

What else? A music CD from America that'll probably take weeks, a new sweatshirt I don't need which arrived today (rally type stuff, very hard to find and usually expensive), and after a couple of months my favourite woman has been back in the gym, and two days running! I doubt she has or will ever know what I think but besides the father of her child being a barrier, I would like her to know regardless. Some women can tell but not many. I have dropped hints and pointed her to my websites but with the new baby now has no time for much else. Not planned and not married by the way. She's happy but he's pretty stunned by the whole thing, which I wouldn't had it happened to me. Far from it. Makes my day anyway when I see her if nothing else.
Meanwhile I await inspiration and am off to bed.

My current position

I have a few little and larger possibilities on my system again, having just submitted 8 photos to Garden photographer of the year. My American TV programme is pencilled in for next month and I have various meetings with people on their way sooner or later. Meanwhile I've found a way to get the new video camera to agree with Youtube by going on long play and slowly trying longer and longer clips as I can't edit a thing once I've recorded it as there is no software included or available I know of. Plus it gets dark after 10 minutes out so little more time to take any more anyway at the moment.

The company producing the other programme have changed their phone number, ignored my emails and probably my fax so something very silly going on there. They aren't responsible for the schedule but the only ones I know who know it. Except there isn't one. Autumn is gone on Friday and certainly not on when promised after failing on their July date they advertised first. Having said that they have made the thing which I have so if they didn't do it I always can. But they are pretty unlikely to make it and not use it, I just wish they'd admit they don't have a schedule and why not so I could stop having to chase them.
Otherwise I've had plenty of time to think about my own activities and realised there's no need to do anything just because other people do or to talk about it. In economics they call it opportunity cost, if you're not doing one thing you must be doing something else, in my case furthering my media career and networking. I've built up a huge portfolio of photography and art plus meeting a few people online (so far) who may be able to help. What I did instead was not at all productive and put on 2 stone eating cake out. So I go to far fewer places but produce a lot more. And I can't see friends as the main ones aren't here and the others are minding their own business (mainly the divorce type) and kids so no time for me.

So I don't go out much but write and learn and generally produce. I would see friends more but few are left. There's no point fighting too much against your circumstances, things happen on their own and change while you are doing something else, not because you changed them. When I get my next few media results I'll have proved it was all worth it and the time I've spent either at home or out taking photos has all been in a valuable cause and none would have been possible if I'd been doing what others do or what I used to most of the time. And walking in the parks is good exercise besides the photos, So I have finally become immune to the comments/advice as I realise I'm doing what has to be done and not missing anything I should be. Plus had I never tried all those things I'd have missed out but I've probably done as much as many have in their lifetimes and looking for something else now. It's all about being with the right people (which I'm not) and making the most of your talents, which I am. Eventually that'll pay off and probably help the social life as well. But that is a long and slow process but well worth it if it works.

This week...

Plenty of ups and downs this week. I finally bought a digital video camera at the weekend so have spent most of my time pissing around learning to use it. I'm at the stage now where I can post on Youtube but less than 2 minutes and not learned to split my clips into manageable files yet.

Other than video activities I'm still slowly catching up with people online for future arrangements, since my friend went abroad in 2002 there's been a huge gap, I've met no one new (most of my friends had been so for 20-45 years so rarely needed to turn over), and the net has allowed me to meet old and new friends only limited by their locations so far.
I've been fairly busy, got many good photos this week but done pretty little else besides camera related work. Hopefully it'll be worth it once it all works although such short clips aren't going to have much substance to them when it does.
Oddly I rang the TV company here today about the latest UK based programme as they'd ignored my emails and although the fax number worked implying they still existed their office number didn't any more. I tried a BT check but they now only check BT numbers so if a cable number doesn't work then who the hell gets it reported for a caller?

Yesterday was good for many reasons, I got the video to get on Youtube after a nice walk around Golders Green with both cameras. I've made two outdoor videos now but can't yet edit them down to get short enough to upload. Today was a pisser really, I was going to Brent Cross station but got a call the North Circular was closed and went to the park instead. The 2 minute video ended still longer than allowed and spent the rest of the afternoon reformatting everything and just crashed the editor as a result. I'll find a way but not today. I've also found another stalker on Youtube like the ones I had here but I have no idea who they are and why they're doing it unlike the others who showed themselves.
I may not have a chance to go out tomorrow as I have to let the cleaner in, but I suppose a 1 minute video of a tube station I've done already is hardly a great loss. Other plans are virtually non existent, as are expectations. Even the American TV company haven't updated their monthly web page saying what's coming next so can't see if I'll be on next month.

Anyway, I'm doing my best, have no idea what's coming ahead but hopefully break the monotony eventually.

Global lying, big time.

The total bollocks going on in Bali (the latest climate change arrangement) will be a licenced method of theft by most countries on earth. If I knocked on your door and asked for money for my medical bills or debts you'd tell me to piss off. But if I say it's for charity or to save the planet most people will give something. So make up a huge cause (the UN are ideally placed to do so) and as they say, the bigger the lie the bigger the acceptance of it. Look at Christianity for fuck's sake.

So they create a problem that doesn't exist, can't be proved (getting more and more like Christianity isn't it) and pretend your experts say it does and we all need to pay them to stop it. What a formula! 'Problem-reaction-solution', a con described by David Icke when a government create trouble and then look like fucking heroes after they go to work to fix it, involving severe cuts in personal liberty and/or huge taxes. We're getting the full megillah here, the biggest scam ever. This con is going to rip off more people in more places than any other in the history of humanity. If it was a crime it would be a stroke of genius. How many of you can prove it isn't happening? Not many. A few can and have, but no one believes them. After all, why would our governments lie? I think the truth is why wouldn't they? They can, do and always have, like the press they work with to promote said lies. Anyway, I said it here enough times that all the effort to stop global warming is the biggest joke ever as even if it was happening we would be powerless to change it. But we are about to witness the biggest redistribution of wealth since the French revolution. And this time the ordinary people's heads will be rolling, the ones at the top will be becoming rich from all the carbon money. Where do you think it goes? Energy companies? Yes. Apart from governments they have made the most money from this fiasco so far, followed by that total piece of shit Al Gore.

Despite a heap of new evidence showing global warming is a myth and one by one the old campaigners falling it's become taken over by world powers now and only by realising it for what it is will we be able to stop losing our rights to travel, cheap energy and lower taxes. That's the real bottom line, we will all lose except the thieves.