It all comes to a stop

If life really does go through phases this is the boring one. I do my best to keep busy but the trouble is whatever I do finishes and it's back to nothing. Nothing that has ended leaves an effect in the present so although on paer I've done a reasonable amount, besides some photos on a website the rest is gone. How long this phase will last is not a question that can even be asked, except that normally once I see a phase it means it's ending. These are the only reasons the totally unbelievable idea we attract what we think about may be real. It happens to me and nothing else would explain it.

Not only that but my plans for the week, although followed, ended today and it's only just gone Wednesday. Tomorrow is free until someone comes over in the evening and unless I go for tea in a new kosher cafe in a park in Temple Fortune (on my own) I may not even leave the house whatever the weather. The last two days may have completed my photo list, with some nice ones of Hampstead Heath and some trains in Willesden. After a traffic jam so slow half the people including me did a u turn (where two weeks earlier had been totally clear) and luckily there was a long way round which didn't have much traffic. Willesden High Road is a perfect example of London and every other urban hell on earth. I took photos there once as it was where the Routemaster buses went but the area itself is one straight from Dickens and representative of half of London. Then due to following the railway I did use a few roads I never had and discovered 1930s suburbia does extend further than I realised. Due to the traffic I didn't stop so may return tomorrow. That's one idea at least. So I'm becoming familiar with the back doubles and blocked roads of Dollis Hill. Fascinating.

I am about to search new blogger to see if there are any new ways of finding other blogs, if not it would explain why new readers can't find me as I couldn't find them either. It would be a design fault to end all design faults but stupidity is not a limited quality as anyone can see. Also I don't think the post a photo works from flickr now either, but as what I'm writing may be putting people off I think a couple of pictures may be a welcome diversion.

This is Willesden Green station seen through the bars of the railings, limiting any angle I could get, and was pleased this was more or less how I wanted it. I got a number from the nearby bridge including some trains so had quite a good result for the day's efforts. Had they not put in parking meters I may well have returned more to Willesden Green although not buying more trainers stopped one shop, and besides the charity shops and the jewellers (again, no longer required for gold jewellery) I suppose there wasn't much point going just to look any more. Costs are amazing now. It may cost £1 to park for the average shopping trip, but the bus would cost about £3 altogether and the train at least £4. Basically living in London is just plain fucking expsnsive whichever way you travel, so I now either use a bike or retail parks which are free to park in, although Brent Cross will not be for much longer. And whatever shit we have in London probably applies to the whole country sooner or later. Congestion charging will spread, road humps are national and parking charges probably universal. Despite the dollar reaching a low not seen since the 60s petrol went up 20p or so a gallon in a week and the oil price hasn't even changed. They say it'll be £1 a litre soon and that's for life. And of course it's not to do with saving the planet or the public transport would be cheaper than driving but they put the prices up now because too many people were using it. And not April the first like the barbecue charge turned out to be. And public transport prices are the same for rich and poor so favour the rich and as the poor still need to travel forces them to spend more on that than other options. Lovely country we live in...

Life as a geek

It has gone very quiet. Whether or not my photo ideas are drying up the next project is clearing the house up, which can't be a bad thing. The last two weeks were almost exactly as planned, which meant I kept myself busy, and despite having no awful things to do ahead running out of material still makes things potentially pretty boring. I have discovered not only does my main website have a number of unique internet entries, but now everyone mentioned there has followed them up and I now know the details of Armaretta cars, made in America from 1985-8, and the one I saw apparently only one of 30.

I will have to see. So far there's pretty much a free week ahead, and I have a few little ideas to fill it as usual. Especially as the weather seems to have improved. I've also discovered TV on demand is now up and running, but only available to Sky subscribers or 3G phones (not 3 ones though) for £5 a month, and the full schedules aren't published. My 3rd programme is due but not out yet, and despite not being a Sky subscriber I won't be able to see it any other way besides online with a password, assuming they let me have one (having given up half a day for free for them). Why it is people on TV either get paid a fortune or nothing is a bit strange but they probably cover the huge salaries for the stars by paying the wanabees sod all. At least they didn't want me to pay to appear.

When there's little happening all the minor jobs become more noticed. Haircuts, car washes, gardening etc. Like any other retired geriatric except it can happen at any age when forced on you by life. No one wants to have a totally empty life but when left alone with nothing but a TV radio and computer there's not much else worth doing, and whatever else I do one of them is usually going at the same time. And if I go out besides family there are few if any friends left to visit, and I either piss around local shops as we all have to or go to the park if I'm not taking photos. Or I go there and take the camera with me. One thing fame or a media career would do is break this monotony, I could write and do interviews and get paid as well. As well as meeting people. The more photo albums I get in the area will be the next step so it keeps creeping ahead. The Discovery Kids channel which was dumped through their own lack of effort is going online, but currently although free only has 4 programmes on it. Hardly the same is it? If they intend to expand they may put mine on so everyone I know can see it online. I expect I'll end up doing more UFO programmes as there aren't many other people in the country doing what I do so a fairly captive audience.

I may be linking the blog to another site soon as they seem to have got all the activity we lost here, although besides losing the profile interest links is still the best one from the ones available. I suspect losing the interest links was the last nail in the coffin as unless you bookmark other blogs you can no longer search others in blogger which makes it impossible to find any new ones. Not that anyone adds any more but that'll stop any expansion. I sometimes wonder if anyone else is stuck in my sort of situation. Some overlap but I don't remember anyone with all the circumstances, especially once you include my minimal family size. OK, I'm not an orphan but realised the main reason I didn't fit in with peer groups for 25 years was because I spent most of my time with my parents who had nothing in common with them. And if not my parents then alone as they worked full time and my mother was gone by the time I was 21 anyway. I had to guess how to fit in as I knew people were impressed by certain clothes and attitudes but had no idea what they were. The only time I really did was with the hippies, but at 7 or 8 was too young to really join in although it felt absolutely right for me. Being like that in the 80s doesn't really work in Thatcher's Britain and despising modern fashions and the sheep who followed them meant I never fitted in even with my close friends. I was always a novelty, a freak show who they watched for entertainment as much as seeing for company, and I played up to it. I still do really, although I want to make that image one Woody Allen uses in his films and makes a career from it. I do exagerrate certain things of course simply as I can see people remember it. Clive Bull, who I've called on LBC for 20 years, has now pigeonholed me as the class A geek, so uses me to ask about the internet, collecting and public transport as he knows I can always talk about it. I have profited from pushing the image as at least it's a niche I happily fit into. Of course I prefer sex to car number plates but I can go outside and spot plates all day (and have, believe me) but not have sex. So it seems I'm more into my hobbies but without a girlfriend or wife there's nothing else left to do. But it's not all there is, just all there is to do. That's totally different.

Back again, again

I see it's been a while. Probably a good sign as it means I was busy and didn't have time to write here, but also there wasn't much to write. Planning has been good, and each week for the last few has been closer to how I planned it than the last. The good news being there was enough each day to fill it usefully. Besides a little work on Wednesday and doing my mum's garden today it's been photos every day. I worked my way through each flickr group, and have done buses and gardens after the stations last time. And I'm pleased with the results. Other than that I've hardly done a thing but haven't really noticed.

I have also started this year's gardening, done in record time for a change, possibly as I did more last year so wasn't overgrown. But it has been pretty quiet but reasonably tolerable. Only the anticlimax of the empty house at night which rather than get used to becomes like the Chinese water torture and wears me down gradually. So having reported a whole week's activity what do I do to fill the remaining space?

Outer stories dry up like an ancient vagina. All these portents of changes and developments actually leave us with a world just as it was before but more boring. Global warming would liven things up if it happened, the TV coverage of floods and the like would be like New Orleans and the tsunami all the time and the companies would double the viewers. That's why it's still snowing across half the USA this week and I think they'd enjoy it as much as we would here in England. If only. I've forgotten all the other distant predictions as they never happened, and even the stupid internet TV programme I was in hasn't been on a month after unofficially scheduled. Big news is rarer than people realise as most they see is possible, never happened and then forgotten about. War in Iraq was not news, it was a waste of our money and didn't affect us here one bit besides raising our taxes to pay for it. Terrorism is not news, it's the lowest of the low behaving like savages and no relevance to life or society, just scum. The biggest news of 2007 has been the release of the TX4 London cab, the first new car to go on the road in the UK with an older style than the previous (unlike Japan who had loads). I called the radio twice about it and also got to talk about Funtrivia and other transport related stuff which brought in many more enthusiasts.

I have also now got two friends on Funtrivia after 7 years, though neither have posted anything yet. I have no plans now. Tomorrow will be the live online quiz if awake, and that's it until I go to the gym. No photos as I took every one on my list this week. If it's as nice as they predict I may go out on my bike again. The car wash was finally working the 4th time of trying, so it now almost looks like new. Socially it's been dead besides 2 clients (OK, shouldn't count) and talking to the woman next door while doing the garden, but I was too busy to notice. Well, I mustn't look ahead as I'm not there yet so will stop that now, and if this blog has become boring then try being here. I'm not complaining now as it wasn't too bad, but certainly not worth reporting, but I'm all out of fantasy now and also run out of poo jokes. Took me 47 years but it happened. That's showbiz...

In a world of my own

If possible we should laugh at life. Take nothing too seriously. It's marginally easier to do this with other people's problems than our own, but it can work. I can't see much to laugh at, do or anything else at the moment, though I am getting to know someone better and better who is taken, too young, unsuitable and one of the only women I know at the moment besides one who thinks I'm too young (as if that was possible) who has any effect on me. I get more from spending a little time with her than a lot with most other women, even if something actually happens. It's the quality that counts and I saw it the first day I ever saw her and it grows each time since. That's one example of letting it happen out of my control, it's got its own momentum and however unlikely any progress would be I am happy the way things are going as they are.


So, possibly for the first time blogger removed 2 paragraphs. I removed a third as it made me look like more of a geek than I really am. Yes, it is possible. I basically was repeating the same story as usual in different ways and may have done everyone a favour losing it all. So I have to replace it with something. It was only because there was nothing else to do and I was listening to web radio I came back here at all. I also said I seem to have lost everyone but family and cat, the other people being either like the sort of people you see every day on the bsu and recognise but rarely if ever speak to, and the others less than useful. Worse than neutral. But even in prison people usually prefer to be sharing a cell with a couple of perverts than solitary. But my experience with tenants showed this not to be the case. I've met a number of evil men but possibly just the one woman, who shared my house for 9 months. Anyone who saw the witches in Dr Who last weekend she made them look like Margaret Thatcher and Shirley Williams. She was the real deal. One person (I was aware of) wouldn't even come in my house because of her.

So I appear to be surrounded by a cast of Twilight Zone meets One flew over the cuckoo's nest. And a bit of Rain Man, not that I saw it. Even Forrest Gump would be an improvement but I do know a few as well. Having a diary I can mention the week ahead, having done the station photos last week, despite very few variations it's bus photos next. That or sod all. Then mow the lawn, work on Wednesday and the rest is mystery. Predictable possibly but last week was actually pretty good. Five straight days of photos, no work as described yesterday, and a little necessary shopping. Maybe the lack of life will force me to meditate more as whatever else happens that is always the same. Not the results but the system. And it can't make me worse and usually makes me better, even for a few minutes. Just for fun (I am bored) it's April so I'll quickly review 2007's little highs so far. I have:

Interestingly the computer ate this paragraph. Just read the earlier entries and you'll find out, it was fuck all really, who was I ever trying to kid.

I may have missed a few things and as this clearly has a bug and ate another paragraph the angels are trying to stop me. I did point out this is as good as therapy, free and get as much feedback as many in analysis, and if I can work things out here others may learn as well. Though people vary I can only assume we all share the same spectrum of feelings, as do animals, and problems are the same whoever you are. Only so many with personal variations. Well before this arsehole of a computer kills any more of my writing I'd better save this and piss off.

Gone rather quiet

A busy week taking photos, filing and little else besides a couple of hours doing my mum's garden. But looking back there's sod all now and ahead unless I think of things when the time comes. But you can run out with no work and precious few friends. A real challenge.
Otherwise my life and mind are blank. I see a hard core of regular visitors here so at least I'm not writing for nothing. Knowing how little I had to report was also a challenge and as I've written every variation on philosophy and bodily functions here, plus plenty of nostalgia there's not a lot left in the system.
So many authors and composers say they are apparently taken over when writing, Jung and Freud would say it was a blockage from the creative subconscious but I'm not so sure, especially with talents and information beyond their own. This should happen to me now, I'm open to it and in the past I've put together some pretty good ideas straight off with no planning that only formed as I wrote them.

One question is how long, if at all, will it take for the majority to realise global warming is created to steal our money and not a realistic issue. The evidence is overwhelming but the press on regardless as most people don't believe the authorities capable of such a con. I wish. Even the first line of attack fails as many scientists say the temperatures aren't rising at all. If experts can disagree even on this I'd give up already but no. And if it was, a) I'd say it's a good thing (saving energy and hypothermia) and b) we couldn't do a thing to stop it. End of. Just a little climate variation at a faster than average pace. Big fucking deal. They blew it up to look like the martians were coming and without the slightest criticism the majority of people accepted the figures all based on things happening in 2080. I am reaching a level of major authority after collecting as many links and statistics that even if a fraction are true means the whole thing is made up. The TV programme said most of it and may have won a few over but the momentum appears to carry on. If it wasn't an excuse to steal more of our money (obtaining money by deception is theft) I couldn't care less how scared people were based on absolutely nothing but that's why they made it up in the first place. For any doubters just remembered how they arranged attacking Iraq which cost us all so much they need a reason to rob us to get it back.

So there's one paragraph I'd need many years to prove and would rather in a way was true as Britain would do very well from global warming, although they'd still pretend it was our fault and tax the world to poverty. If it wasn't for that detail it would be easier to believe but it's only a very effective way to take our money.

The other minor issue that may or may not be a fairy story is the new DVD The Secret I recently watched. That's a simple answer. Try it and see if it works. If it does there's no need to understand why. The first example I see working (remember, it works for all thoughts, good, bad and indifferent, is I predicted last week an unknown American would win the Master's golf and Zach Johnson is just about to in 10 minutes or so. Boring and predictable, but if the universe is in me then only I make it all happen, but that's a different DVD. But either way it's all I can experience and it's become extremely boring at the moment every way I look. But for how long?

Did it happen?

Well, despite being predicted I did more or less word for word what I expected but it was fine. The rain forced me not only to tidy my desk and papers but finally find my appliance instructions mislaid when the old kitchen was ripped out. Then I went to mum for dinner but took my camera and got some nice pictures on the way. As it was passover we watched the old family videos (now 18 years old) as we didn't have a camera and friends took a few special occasions for us. Seeing half the people who are no longer alive showed they may be dead but they're not gone, it was just like they were real.

Tomorrow is free so far, planned to either go to Ealing or Stanmore for photos and football on TV later, with as many other little jobs as I can. No urgency for any but want to use the chance to go out. Once my health settles down life returns to near normal, and the less stress the more it does. If I had a few people around me as well it could almost be like it was years ago. Then my problems were exam related and however good life was I always had courses to take, fail and worry about. The last proper one was 2001 believe it or not, which took the same route but passed all but one (plus O level maths which I never resat) altogether. Back then the only gap was when I didn't have a girlfriend, and that was erratic and had its moments. They did come and go a lot faster and easier till I reached 30 and then it dried up. Everyone else was married and I was left over like the guy with a limp at the marathon dragging along at the back. Except even they get there eventually and have a specific route.

Looking back, my most important requirement was always freedom. That is fine as far as it goes but didn't factor in other people. Whether I'd ever choose people over freedom I'm not sure. If I could arrange it as having a family at home and job outside I probably would now. I discovered at 16 freedom was crap when alone, as I left school and had 9 months free while my friends were still at school as I took my exams early. I worked, went abroad and mainly hung around lost, but still hate having to do things I don't like and prefer to do what I please. Not even unrealistic as since I lost my last real job that's been more or less as it is. Like being either retired or very rich and no need to work. If you're not alone I'd recommend it to anybody as I have never actually wasted my time. Years of helping my widowed grandma and then mother (second husband that is) wouldn't have been possible, no other children or grandchildren besides me, and it gave me the chance to write, paint and take photos. And one morning in 1998 when I had a girlfriend staying here as a trial marriage (total disaster) I woke up with nothing to do one morning and ended up in Belgium. That is freedom. Not planned, just something I realised I had time to do, though we aimed for Boulogne but passed Ashford and popped into the Eurostar stop to see if we could get to Brussels, and the train was due in 30 minutes. A bit of luck and a bit of judgement, but only possible due to freedom.

Nowadays I get up too late but still wander around locally, mainly with the camera. Almost always alone now, which takes much of the edge off it, but besides my 100 mile plus trips usually were. Well tomorrow's almost another day, as technically it already is. More than that I don't know.

Ways in and out

I am running out of material. I have at least managed to make a small list for this week and my energy levels, affected by both the dreadful news recently I won't keep referring back to and the repetition of my earache which seems to be on the mend. Once I add together each of the little jobs it should fill out a week of little known, and last week produced as much as it needed although I was worn out most of the time.
So I suppose once tomorrow arrives (planned), then once Wednesday comes and I can either do my long photo run or get some jobs done with my album then by Thursday half the week will have been productive already. There's nothing else left besides the dental checkup and I think they know me well enough to let that go, I hope.

Big plans have all dried up though. I have 2 speaking TV appearances under my belt, one shown in Canada on Saturday, and one to come online sooner or later. Unless another programme chooses to pick me up that one is now out of my hands. Women are off the agenda altogether, not my choice this time and unless I try speed dating will remain so for the forseeable future. One question I have is whether anyone else in my exact situation would react the same ways? Imagine every member of your family leaves you, then your friends, and you are left in a house alone with no one besides a few scattered family members and people who want to be your friends but are not the ones you want to see. Add a selection of assorted health problems and although you have the freedom and pay the bills it's a bit like being on a desert island. You have enough to survive but little hope of change, activity or rescue. Making the best of it is something I've done for a long time, but am running out of directions. Besides the local parks and wandering around London NW11 as if I still lived near there there's not much left worth going to round here. I reluctantly go shopping as the house is crammed with things and any which I need I have and only shop for household stuff and food. I have enough clothes till I'm about 700 as it turns out clothes rarely wear out. Or trainers. Mine last at least 10 years a pair which is good, but I wouldn't have bought so many had I known they lasted a lot longer than shoes.

So as long as I have plans each day they go by one by one and very few are wasted. It is disappointing so few of my bigger plans- psychic research projects, women, friends, selling things I write and create etc have come to nothing, as really there is little more I could do besides what I already have to promote myself. OK, the latest book and DVD tell me this is a system where what I think becomes real, although all the people suffering in the 3rd world make me wonder how even the most careless thinkers can bring that shit into their lives. But the actual way they explain their own experiences actually fits many of mine so I can't dismiss it, but will keep testing it and make up my own mind as there are plenty of things we can't know at the moment but doesn't stop any of them being real. The very fact you may have felt good in your life, but as one of our instructors says not the same as if you meditate is a truth I know. How humans are created so unless you press a switch somewhere we can't reach our full potential is a weird mechanism of nature but a fact. People take drugs to get the same things and probably do, at a huge cost. But it's still rarely possible without a push and they just do it a harmful way. And I reckon one reason I return to hippy culture over and over again is they tapped into this potential and based a whole way of life on it. The squares won in the end, fashions never last and human nature destroyed the last of it through massive egos, but the rules remain for anyone who wants to apply them.

I aspire for more, partly as when I had a reasonable life (only lacking a partner) I found it became boring. Meditation was the only alternative and when that didn't work very often I looked around for other ways. Once that had been exhausted at no benefit to me I realised ordinary was OK having seen some of the alternatives, but had turned a corner where I didn't even have that as described earlier. Each new offer of hope dies on the branch before falling into my hand, natural and especially supernatural. Then another comes which I check out and end up dismissing them one by one, so far. One thing I have learnt is never to share my breakthroughs, as people just don't care. They're found by me and only for me. And what means a lot to me rarely does to anyone else. I'd like an out of body experience, for example. It would mean we could basically have total freedom of movement and should include other dimensions reported by most who have them. When I saw auras it added a dimension that made the world a more interesting place but that went away. As for the claims aliens can see and hear everything we do by telepathy would mean there was the chance we could be connected to billions of people at will using only our minds. These fascinate me and apparently leave most ordinary people with full and happy lives cold.

I just wish the fuckers would land in the middle of Hendon now and force the issue. If 3/4 of the populations shit themselves hard bloody luck. But all the governments and liars who try and control our lives would be out of a job as anything they said wasn't true or possible suddenly would be. And besides my few subjects telling me the same things, it has to be more than telepathy as they describe science not know by other people so must be getting it from somewhere else. And don't just rely on my communication as it's all televised already and growing. Even if they never do I still have pages of diagrams that appear to be mathematically possible. I can't say so but I have a small team of scientists who have. That must amount to something.

Logic

I seem to have been noticing this while there was nothing else going on, I am processing information mechanically independently of myself. That means I process data in my mind and whenever it fits together or adds anything new from outside it builds up a greater picture. We are all designed the same as this, but my apparent capability for arrangement and analysis seems both more efficient and more reliable than most. Partly organised by a law degree and partly did the law degree to exploit the existing ability, I now seem to be able to hold and juggle many ideas seperately and retrieve any required with reasonable efficiency, some vague but all logical.

People don't like it. They don't like anyone who thinks they can do anything they think they can better, they don't like anyone who admits to it and they don't beleive many people can anyway even if they claim to. I don't claim any more than I deliver. If you want to test my claim read my findings. As I noticed, they seem to be almost computerised, devoid of any emotion or personal input but hopefully just facts. Because most sources only provide a portion of each larger picture it's down to me to put them together, and then many require ages of testing whatever new theory they claim, where I usually run out of steam trying. But each new theory is stored and waits to see if an opportunity comes to prove it at a later date.

So far this has hardly got me anywhere or anything, though it does help my clients. Any situation I find myself in seems to have a direction of its own and I can really only go along with it. My own reactions are the same and how I feel is the same as watching it on TV as it's just happening and there's no way I can change what's on. Even a simple change of attention rarely overrides the main focus, meditation can work and that's my only lifeline at the moment. But it means stopping everything for an hour and I rarely do now with the internet available at all times. Knowing global warming is a ripoff con doesn't help me as I see the laws being made every day even if a few more people are starting to believe me. A carbon footprint is a phrase which means something quite different. It means 'How much money can we squeeze from this poor sod?'. One thing about our attention is it's very specific. So if the news goes on about CO2 most of the time we simply can't think about chemical or sewage pollution or what they're still doing in Darfur, just to name two real disasters we're doing nothing about.

If I'd told people 30 years ago the biggest government concern would be carbon dioxide in 30 years (more than wars, famines, real pollution, overpopulation, ending of fossil fuel production etc) everyone would have pissed themselves laughing. Now, after many years of planned spin, this is the case. So many people fall for any apparent facts 'the authorities' tell us totally uncritically they get away with almost anything. Pay thousands of scientists to produce bogus results, condemn the few honest ones who prefer to tell the truth and you have a formula to rip off literally the whole world. Fuck me, talk about James Bond, these guys have done exactly what his villains never managed to do as he intervened at the last minute each time. Is anything ever going to stop this crock of shit before it sends us all into the dark ages?

Just one example of my logic at work and the sod all effect it ever seems to have. But I'll be the cleverest corpse in the cemetery.

Nostalgia and memories

Driving myself mad here I think. Luckily most of the stress is currently less than before, but stress nonetheless. The earache comes and goes but whenever it seems to be improving doesn't last. That makes me tired, stops me doing things etc etc. I still do things but the bare minimum.

So this week I missed taking my albums anywhere else, but did get my 4th free voucher cashed at Staples as I said. I took photos in Finchley and Golders Green, had a couple of friends over and just did another youtube video which was a bit better than some of the others. I found a car wash after all others vanished and for the 3rd time yesterday found it wasn't working again. Nowhere else or do it myself. That's this week in a nutshell, plus I just emailed an old friend's sister mainly as I'm so bored anyone I knew back in my life would be an improvement. As he escaped my attention in 1991 I'll be surprised if he comes back now but that's one use of the internet.

I have no plans besides a fucking haircut (my grandma's on the warpath as usual) and a few trips with my album, though I have one order but not paid yet. The second didn't reply to my email and wonder now if he got it as it was an office address and the cleaner probably deleted it. At least I haven't gone up the reporting food route many do, partly as I make such crap I'd rather not dwell on it. Heinz macaroni cheese for dinner yesterday, as I hadn't been shopping for a while. It pissed down today and while intending to tidy my desk and papers ended up stuck to the computer all afternoon before I went to my mum. I don't even remember what I was doing, I had nothing to specifically do but besides catch up with someone on messenger just discovered I'd been in front of the screen for 3 hours without a thing to show for it.

I suppose currently having no plans means no crap seen either, a bit of possible freedom. Not a clue how to fill it as usual but if my energy picks up I have a few to start off. Work has dried up again but with the longer days has let me wander around and now am doing a visual survey of Golders Green. Why? I have nothing better to do. Having lived and worked next to it for 28 years and worked there a lot longer afterwards it's my second home, a few miles east and where I intend to return should the money ever be available. I now drive every road in case I missed anything and have a photo of each one better than neutral. Every area has surprises as who goes up every road besides a postman and a bored photographer? I also have a list of roads there I wouldn't mind living in so if the chance arises won't have to do all the legwork in a hurry and miss anywhere. The roads by the North Circular have more space between the houses, and are more suburban so are winning the race despite the grotty ones by Hamilton Road being cheaper, but more like Cricklewood over the A41.
The tragic thing is after living there 28 years I now only know my mum and my friend's parents in the general area. Not one person I knew remains, one is a friend I see very rarely (search me why) who lives a way north now, and I can't think of one other. So besides seeing my mum (and optician annually) there's no link left. Last time I mentioned the Oxfam shop being the last people I knew in Finchley Road shops, and this covers the whole area socially as well. Besides an ex girlfriend now married I used to see in Starbucks though only by accident. Her arsehole husband wouldn't like her calling me despite choosing him over me at the time, not that I proposed as she had the same personality as a cat, which has improved greatly since those days but no use to my love life.

I'll be interested to see if the latest old friend replies and whether he moved abroad as expected. Ideally I'd like a friend round Golders Green to give me a chance to return for a reason, actually my friend's girlfriend moved there last year (almost same story as last) and I finally got invited last month. But it won't be a regular event, he wouldn't allow it on my own. So that hardly counts. Maybe if I pretended to be religious and joined one of the many small synagogues there I'd make new friends but getting up early every Saturday to sit through the service is too high a price to pay. My old neighbour who rarely bothered with me moved there when he got divorced and I bumped into him in the park but he didn't want to keep in touch and was the other side of potty anyway. He was a millionaire from his family (though the ex had taken a large share since), had a large extremely rich family and hated them all. He was missing his wife and child, who like many more took the kid abroad where she came from. A disaster waiting to happen and all these internet marriages cross-continent have the seeds of doom within. I can't even get someone anywhere, and even Edgware seems a bit of a shlep nowadays on a bad day. I had one girlfriend once purely as she lived so close and that wasn't a good reason either. I think I would consider the move to Hampshire now should that opportunity arise, but the radio counsellor just told someone else never to wait for an ex to split with their current partner as it's like waiting for someone to die to succeed. Is that what I've stooped to? As I don't think about it probably not but there's no guarantee she'd want me if she split up anyway. Well, that's another slice of life history and speculation as now offers little material on its own.

Is there anybody there?

Nowadays I sometimes feel more like a medium when writing this as I can't be sure anyone can hear me. 14823 is the count as I write, though I think that silly counter records page views, though usually everything people need is on page 1 so should be enough. Well in case anyone read the last couple, I did start tidying my desk, and despite throwing out a few piles of paper it looks exactly the same. More to do clearly. I don't think I found anything besides an old pen that's dried up so no surprises either.
Today kept me occupied, the appointment was delayed by an hour so I sent the accounts packing first and then spent another free stationery voucher, my 4th now. Very odd. Besides a health food shop who have given a christmas bag of about £50 of free stuff the last few years I know of no other shop that does this, and they appear to still make a profit. I got another notebook (I can never have too many), some glue, a purple container and lots of rubbish bags (see comment about notebooks). Too late for photos by then and unless an arrangement materialises tomorrow I don't want I'll do it then, and then England v Andorra on Sky, the only way I can watch it since my friend with it elft the country and I had to pay myself.

I have reached the leaving the medical advice route as the last 3 times I stopped the ear medication after a week it came back. Now I can only think the alternative can be no worse than a return of the problem and will keep it going a few more days. Then call the doctor if I have to. However minor these all add up and slow me down once one goes.
Beyond that I don't know. I never do really anymore. But one thing I know is if I was in a family of any description I'd still do all this. I may have a bit less time to but would have more to write about.

Unless I stop now the rest will be from my subconscious as there's nothing left in my conscious now. Looking back I have been through every method of philosophy and spiritual practice to test their limits. I am left with a small selection of remaining routes and having eliminated many at least I'm not stuck with nothing yet. Partly from necessity it seems to have been my duty to do this, not even for anyone else's benefit as I've never come across anyone who really needs this work for themselves, it only seems to relate to my own situation. I can't help communicating useful information but doubt even if I found anything people would be the slightest bit interested as most are happy as they are. And even if they ask what worked for me may not work for other people so better to break a lifetime's habit and get on with anything I may find myself. If, that is, I find anything.

If people realised some of my greatest wishes are things 90% of the world take for granted they'd realise the value of them themselves. Having other people's writing on my paper. Besides the fascinating phone messages from my final tenant in 1996 all I have are a few notes from my work when people have written hypnosis scripts for me. Let alone other people's things. Normally if someone doesn't live in a house they rarely keep things in it. Makes sense. We have kept stuff for foreign visitors who were in a small place with no extra room, but I actually have no room for my own things should imaginary foreigner arrive with too many bags tomorrow anyway. The day I arrived at my first flat in 1998 I realised for the first time in my life no one else's things were there, and besides various tenants who rarely left things outside their own rooms and sometimes the kitchen that was it. It means something to me but most people in shared houses take these things for granted. Wait till someone dies and you're the last there. Their things will be there but not them. That has happened to most of my family and the things suddenly become yours not theirs and there is no person attached to them. I haven't even got that. Living alone is probably the quickest route to neurosis and more than any other way I can think of. I used to think it was working but life is full of work even if you don't have a job. Running a house is work, as are many of the chores you have to do that aren't paid for. They may not be timetabled but no less stress.

So considering the circumstances I do pretty well as however grim it gets I rarely do more than come here and moan about it. Better than an overdose in anyone's terms.

Imagination

I have recently read something that corresponded with my own experience. It's actually better to daydream and live in your imagination as it makes you feel good and overrides much of real life. It may be pointless apparently but as well as making you feel better this book even said it makes things happen which are good as well. A total leap of faith but also made sense of mysterious elements of my life as well.

So I am allowing something I stopped long ago, imagining good things as a form of treatment. For no other reason. Now if life starts improving as well I'll have learnt something totally mindblowing and if happens should have far less in life to bother me again. It would of course mean we live either in a dream or a paradise and all known science can go down the drain but stranger things have happened. My reality is little different from normal, less to worry about I suppose but nothing good that actually helps me. Not really. I realised physical methods of escape simply didn't exist so the inner way is all that's left and one I'd need to learn gradually as is pretty foreign to me and hard to remember how, let alone do it. If I get little signs on the way I'm getting it right it won't be long before I know if it does.

The week ahead: One appointment tomorrow, one arrangement Wednesday and Thursday neither of which I'd have chosen and that's my diary. A couple of other things to do at my leisure and that's it so far. No accounts at least. One test is I should imagine a comment or two here tomorrow. A real challenge. Only like learning to control lucid dreams (which usually has little effect) but told are acting with the outer forces which we aren't able to be aware of. At least I have nothing to lose and it gives me something interesting to do for a while at worst. The theory has been around the general public such a short time I've never seen any feedback to see if it worked for anyone but that'll arrive sooner or later.

Well, that's the known about the week ahead. Maybe the rest of my life but even I can't waste effort looking that far ahead for long. I was also told my 3rd TV programme would be online this month, I'm waiting...

Minus one

I need to remind myself from time to time when it's the case that nothing's wrong. It happens so rarely recently I tend to assume there must be even where there isn't. Forget the money, I have. Just now, besides a bad night there are no actual problems.

So, too tired to do much so staying in until the gym later, there is a desk here that can be tidied and then a whole house. I bet I do none of it even though there's little to do online. The earache comes and goes since returning in full last week but the treatment is ongoing. It's a tough bugger this one, it's becoming like an old friend.
If anyone managed to read all my last long entry, well done. I had no idea what was going to happen but it was all relevant. Today I can't think of a thing. Looking back on the week the accounts are finally over, 3 more lots of photos were taken and that was about it, fine really. The list of things I didn't do is a lot longer but the ear business affects my balance and makes me very tired when it starts and I can't do as much as usual till that settles down. Only slightly less than usual I could say. But overall everything seems to get done.

Time for a magic wand. It's really time something really good came out of the blue. Besides the programme showing the case against global warming on TV none of the authorities have acknowledged that was more or less it since my little TV appearances of my own. But they didn't affect my life, it's time something did. Make it so, as my friend Picard says.

All or nothing

Two in a day, though really the last one was yesterday but I live hours behind everyone. Today was my big day off. Health is clearly affected by stress and my tiredness appears to be connected with the return of the earache, all brought on by the sort of news I learnt some time ago we are all not immune from. You can't avoid any real disaster just like you can't make someone phone you when you're bored. All you do is avoid all the problems you can and get the ones you can't, which are as big as any others. Admittedly mine is only theoretical until the whole dispute procedure is over but as they say you are only in a situation where the potential is now, as in a football match. Unless I score 7 goals by the end of the second half I'm going to lose. So although it's possible it's not going to happen unless something changes pretty major.

I also realised all my life I've been drawn to all negativity as I see humour in it. Pleasure is fun for me and not for reporting. It's not funny either. When I told people the few really good things I'd done they glazed over and said I was boasting. So we all really hate to see others doing well unless we are as well. Otherwise we feel cheated. So even though it turns me into a potential depressive I am drawn to all disasters and find a fascination with failure and suffering. And when I talk about diarrhea, death, arguments, bad weather, being rejected and all the other regular parts of life we all hate but love to listen to, I find the audience enthralled. So although I'd prefer to be happy and successful somehow there's no story in it and it does seem by talking about the dirt and darkness it becomes the only reality for you as a result.
I felt cheated by life in as many ways as exist. Being an only child started me off as a solitary whinger and thinker and stopped me socialising with anyone but left wing intellectual jews of my parents' age. So by about the age of 7 I was a small version of Woody Allen, talking about medical issues gained from reading the family books since I could read, mental illness, dreams and failing at school, all through the hippy aura of 1967 onwards. Precocious I'm sure but age is never connected with wisdom, only experience, and I could sometimes see through teachers and others in authority as I could see at that age some of the bullshit ways they treated kids and talked down to them. Then I stopped growing at 14, at a typical 14 year old height. My friends all reached 6 foot and I rarly danced with a girl shorter than I was. Though they wore heels it still raised even the tiniest to my height and it must have taken me 20 years to realise there were other things that could attract women besides height.

Then I was kicked out of the family house at last, after hanging on for 5 years despite having a place of my own I came and went from. It was only as it was sold I had to go as it was no longer there the next day. 14 years later I'm still alone and with absolutely no logical way out. So th foundations for negativity are deep rooted and the easiest way to adapt and exploit is to make a story out of it. If people didn't respond I'd probably grow out of it, but like Tony Hancock most people can identify with the dropout and fall guys as it takes the heat of them. If someone treads in the dogshit first everyone else can avoid it. It's a role I never wanted but seem to be returned to, just like Buddha had to be Buddha I have to be the fall guy. So when I recover from one thing a day or two later something else happens. Had there been a gap I may recover properly, but each new disaster or problem comes now so soon after I leave the last the gaps barely notice and I just have a new turd to look at from the previous one.

Anyway, I retain a small amount of detachment as I know I'm doing it, and can see most of the reason is it's a script dying to be written. Until I can make a film or TV series of it my only chance to become the Tony Hancock of this century is describing my problems. Ideally it would become a career and by making a career half the problems would go as a result and then I'd just be pretending, much like Woody Allen does in his films. I hear he really isn't like that but it makes good movies. Just because he always plays the same character makes him no more that person as any other long running character. I'm still reading stuff about how to gradually switch your mind and even your life from negative to positive but the trouble is when negativity naturally comes into my life I have the ability to exploit it so it seems to almost be attracted and moulds my personality as a victim. I hardly need an analyst as I look in a mirror (the screen) and do it all myself.

Back to reality, my day off was still well used, I did a little work but have now completed the accounts and hope that's done for another year besides the tax entries I usually do. It did keep me busy but as always there was a sting in the tail when the figures I took from my computer were finally wiped out by the only written data we had, solely from having a set of data at home so I can work when I please. The end figure would have been identical but just not a shock as for a month we thought it was a couple of thousand more in the company's favour and when I finally used hard copy I found whatever figures I'd used here were baloney. Don't ever rely on a computer to store accounts. They can hide and change every entry you make and if you tag it with one it's not meant to have it'll turn up in the wrong place and fuck up every balance you try and make. I also took some architecture locally I was directed to from a flickr house group, which produced more nice ones, and collected a film my father had started and I finished of pictures about 3 years old to now. I posted the best online and some were quite good but not as good as with the SLR or digital. Compact cameras will always be toys and turn out random results as you can't see what you're taking or change what you see outside very narrow limits. I also called the radio and spent much of the remaining time on the phone. I hope to have a little walk next although it's freezing outside, since the global warming remains in the minds of the sheep who believe in it and the liars who told them it was here. If I said the martians are coming they'd lock me up, but if a politician says the world is going to burn (on just as little evidence) and gets enough of his colleagues to agree the lower orders fall for it hook line and sinker. How and why would elected and unelected superiors make stuff up to increase our taxes? Oh, the answer is in the question, ie 'to increase our taxes'.

In the same way terrorists allowed them to make our privacy and freedom of movement similar to Stalin's Russia and we thanked them for doing so, lying about a potential threat of a degree or two above what it is now making the world into Dante's inferno if they don't rob us blind is exactly the same scenario. Throughout history the world has been a lot warmer and colder, and there was more time with no ice at the poles implying warm is normal. Not to these arseholes. The fact oil and gas are running out now and we use them to keep warm tells me anything that keeps the north and south a little warmer will conserve these resources as you only cut your heating when the temperature goes up, unless you're stupid and follow the green lobby. Yes, far better to catch every germ going from hypothermia than actually have a quality of life. These sods who tell you to stop driving, lower your thermostat and use 3 watt lightbulbs so you can walk into the door or tread on the cat are not doing these things themselves believe me, except for the few so on the edge that they shouldn't be allowed to adjust their own thermostats. Most people do as they're told if they trust the source of authority. As I said, from an early age I tested every order, and was punished regularly as a result. As I just have been again, the biggest ever. If I said the money demanded most people would marvel such a sum existed to repay. I'm talking quiz show money. But in the negative. I seem to be being presented with every fear I ever had as a reality one by one, and denied most of my wishes, plus any wishes I had fulfilled were taken away as I explained (add mother leaving in 1981 to that).

Now if I could ever publish these stories and get paid it would fix the financial problem and the guilt about being one of the long term doleites. It would also add to my status and maybe even meet a few people through it. Tragedy has always been a big seller but although it's universal not many people exploit it and write about it. The trouble is I'm an authority on it and as soon as I drift towards normality something happens to send me back into negative mode where I am so comfortable and familiar and know exactly what to do with it as far as making it into a drama. Lose/lose situation, unless that book and film deal ever materialise.

One small bonus, the TV channel I was on last month and previously has just been axed. Thank god I was on and repeated 3 more times first as it could have happened at any time. It could be my last ever appearance for all I know but at least I appeared. Unless something really silly happens I will be on web TV any minute (read months) and will post a link but I think it'll be pay only, sorry. Ironic they've put me on a channel where no one can watch without paying when none of the cast were paid except the presenter. I don't make the rules...

Time on my hands

Time and little else. A little mucus maybe but I wouldn't want to share that. Oh, I just did... Free until anything catches me tomorrow. Accounts done besides one adjustment I needed permission for but I was left on my own so has to wait. Not a pretty sight, having found the figures from the office files differed from my own by so much they could have been from a different company. One done on paper the old way (accurate) and mine calculated on a computer. Caused a shock all round when I announced the final figure but it was apparently accurate. Tired but free and with the freedom I arrive here again.
I just called the radio asking about mobile phone TV as I'll be on it soon and wanted to know if anyone watched it, but besides the presenter who has the ability to no one has called.

I would see what crap's on TV but once I call the radio I need to listen in case I miss a reply to my call. Some do but like the internet it's totally random. I once called asking if it was legal would people still steal and it kept calls on for a couple of hours about it, my record. I posted it on the internet and no one gave a damn. It's not the subject but the audience a lot of the time, like here as well.
It's good to have a bit of space anyway, it has been hectic on and off recently and it's nice to have a bit of time to my own devices for a change recently. Hard to report any more, only been a day since I last came in and besides the fairly unfortunate accounts episode the rest was as every other Tuesday, as much of my life is to a rota. It suits us all as the few of us left in the family (4 more or less) are all alone so have regular weekly visits each way to fill some of the time. They are all retired and life retired me before time so I am in a similar position.

I'm a bit disappointed how all the mainstream have dismissed the programme on the global warming swindle. Luckily a few people I know who weren't sure were convinced by it, but we need more and more before the laws take over and run our lives by the threat of carbon dioxide. It cost an arm and a leg to travel already and they're adding a lot more now on those grounds. Bastards. I keep going and find more to discredit the position regularly. Each time I present it to a believer they dismiss it and they are sold whatever the lack of decent evidence. Why anyone should be scared of warmer weather beats me actually, a total irrational phobia and with fossil fuel fast running out any help we can get from the sun would surely be an advantage. I really want it to be real but sadly it's a con to steal our money as always, and the sheep are all bleating like the thick unimaginative animals they are. If it was real we should leave it alone anyway, we can't control the weather! You can't make it rain or much else, least of all change the whole world climate. I suppose if all industry switched to CFC production and sprayed it for a year or so it may work but although that may even improve our weather they are hardly going to. But a little extra CO2, may as well tax people for pissing in the sea as that's the equivalent effect it has on sea level. If they got everyone to the coast to piss in the sea at once I doubt that would even make any difference. But it would make a good film.

I will stop while I'm behind. I know my place.

Because I still can

Despite a routine that would be close to cryonic suspension I return to report it all. Making a silk purse from a sow's ear from little material is a literary test and one I'd be only too happy to use professionally. I'll mention for the last time I'm in shock after a demand for as much money as I get in a couple of years, it's being dealt with and may or not have to be paid in full, but it's what can happen to anyone and it was my turn. So any extra depression has a reason whether I think about it or not. But that is just a part of what is happening and explains other attitudes when you spot any, and not really surprising.

Otherwise more bloody accounts tomorrow, whatever I said about finishing was clearly premature and how long it will take is anyone's guess as they were in a mess when I looked. Half was computer generated, a quarter from trying to use two computers for one programme and the rest me. But the shit is there and like a new puppy I am the one who will be clearing it up. Then the photos arrive the next day and beyond I do not know or really care as it's miles away. Socially I'm not even in touch with imagining who to call or see, I'm past caring there at the moment. I expect I'll take some more photos this week but not sure where as I've covered nearly all of them, and pretty nicely as it went. Even the earache came back, implying a clear connection between stress and immune system. Like I wanted to find out.

If I embarrassed anyone besides myself with my last entry it was a challenge and having covered every variation of poop jokes still had a bit of mileage in sex, which is my favourite subject. And that was the tip of the iceberg, the rest is kept for me. If anyone wants more read marquis de Sade, he seemed to cover more or less everything. If anything the current chaos should push me to meditate more, as little else so far can divert me from outside events, but the internet sits waiting all day and is so easy to use when nothing's on TV. The DVD I bought worked once on the laptop but wasn't enough memory for all the sound, and now works on nothing. I have to call the supplier tomorrow as it seems buggered. I wasted the whole of Saturday pissing around with programs just to find it was the DVD not the computer. Hours more on the laptop and no dice. My grandma has a player so that's the last try before I complain but I haven't got that long to watch it there really. Well, I am only reporting the last few days and if it's moaning then it only reflects reality and even if I enjoyed losing money and health the actual facts wouldn't change. I can't report what hasn't happened and it's that or write nothing and I complain about all the others who do that and I refuse to join the jumpers. I'll be doing this even if I got a girlfriend...

Sex and more sex talk

Having had a comment that a recent entry had saved the only good bit for the end when I started talking dirty, I wondered if I only really interested anyone with that part and the rest was for my own benefit. So all I can say is I won't report the shit that happened today and go straight to the other stuff. None of that today either though it may have been on the cards, but I'll manage.

Talking about sex and other bodily functions I suppose I can use the total freedom here (for that is what it appears to be) to challenge more of the taboos people don't like to mention and maybe if I do a few more times may soften attitudes by raising their visibility. How far I will go remains to be seen, as people can judge just as much as approve, and attitudes here are so Victorian you can't even talk about the pleasures of cunnilingus without being branded a pervert for actually enjoying the total experience. It's OK for the woman to like it but if a man starts going into anatomical details the room normally clears very quickly. I know for that man was me. So after losing the battle I kept it to myself or within a few other who were in touch with their own senses enough to appreciate it. If you have a good meal most people can spend more time analysing it than they did eating it, but eat good pussy and few British would want to hear a blow by blow account (get it?). As for water sports, golden showers, ladies weeweeing you may as well go straight to the naughty step.

Ugh, how can you do that? Well, get me an agreeable woman and I'll show you. You know urine is an antiseptic and used throughout history as a general medicine? My grandma was brought up with a bottle of pee for sore throats and things and is 97 and strong as an ox. Her two sisters both reached over 90 as well, so it didn't do them any harm at least. Fetishism? I don't think anything I call a kink is a fetish as a kink is extra while a fetish is an alternative and an end on its own. So they are the same areas but different emphases. One is in preference to sex, the other a preparation. But anything besides A and B in the alphabet seem foreign here (unlike the French, who may have that as their only asset), I like right up to Z and a few numbers as well. All but the back door though. And oddly the dirty dirty Brits love putting it up the arse. And rimming. Yech! It's the rubbish chute for god's sake, and unless you're queer (can I say that?) you have a perfectly good aperture right next to it. Why go near the anus??

Who mentioned feet? Oh, the people on flickr. Well after the sex organs and mouth they have the most nerve endings. The orientals know this and treat them with respect, but the west has missed this detail and few people realise what you can manage with a woman just by operating there. Except for those who have experienced it. Most men avoid them for some reason, though more women are aware they find it hard to get men to do it. But they'll put it up the arse. No! Leave the bottom hole alone! It's the exclusion zone! You don't like feet but can happily put your tongue where a turd has just left before you. I really don't understand. Anyway, besides straying into territory where fools fear to tread and I have been a fool many times before and will many in future, I won't go past what I can say in front of my cat. Anything else you'll have to pay me for. If more than 10 people read this I may have to turn this into a sex blog, though I ran out of material two lines ago already. Like food critics, I'd rather do it than spend ages describing it. But until I do...

Stating the obvious

The mind has layers, possibly endless, and when little is happening here worth reporting IO search the depths to see what I can find instead. Up and down is one recent theme, at least I go up in between coming down and am reading a book about staying up more which may help. Anyway, so far when I look in the depths once I used up the philosophy came the scatology, but you can only rearrange poo words so many ways and I've done more than most would dare already. So I'll quickly summarise the facts so far and then see what else arrives as there's no TV and little else to do online and I like doing this.
I've been working both days this week since Tuesday, accounts, gardening and more. Makes a bloody change. I feel more useful and normal when I do as it's no longer in my experience to have a real job and for all I know or care may never be. Meanwhile I see the evidence on TV has done little to cool the heat of the global warming machine, to use terms related. Like communism an ideology has taken over a huge part of the world via the UN and lower units such as governments and massive pressure groups run by eco-fascists who have moved their emphasis from destroying capitalism directly to doing it with green taxes. Anything to stop freedom and progress. These guys have been holding us back throughout history but tend to slow progress as a slight weight rather than succeed completely, otherwise we'd already all be on horseback.

Politics and diary over, where do I go? First crime, look ahead. Well total routine, work, friend and grandma tomorrow as every Thursday though work and friend are intermittent, and little more beyond. Album arriving maybe Saturday and new photos Wednesday now they don't collect and deliver. Nothing notable there. I can't find anything interesting or funny left in these layers, I'd used up nostalgia some time ago and the supernatural can only be reported when something new happens. If it ever does. It is a challenge and looking over my entry feel like deleting it but that would be admitting defeat, and if I was reading a blog wouldn't care whether the story was based on up or down but how it was presented. And watching how someone's mind works is part of that. Do other people think like me or am I maybe more direct than most, like Mr Spock? Logical. I often mention questions and points so simple no one else thought of them, which frankly terrifies me. How can so many people apparently miss the obvious questions about anything when they are so simple? Don't ask me.

If only I am the judge of my own actions then I've done OK. I refuse to do more than is considered reasonable as I've had to rise to many occasions in life and at my time feel there should be no need beyond the odd visit to the dentist. And as I lift more weight at the gym I lift less in life outside. What was easy is difficult and what was difficult is impossible. Chronic fatigue is real and though I've got over it am now learning to risk doing a little each time again in case I break down in the middle as I could do. My mind works but my body wears out very quickly and easily, and it's forced me to reevaluate all I do and how I judge myself and explain it to others. Before it was choice and option, now I simply can't do a lot of things. Nothing medical any more, but same effect as if it still was. Anyway, one person could help me out of it if around regularly but there is no such person. If anything would that would be it. Who is it?

Back to bleeding normal

Excitement over, real life returns. Tired today, besides going to the gym which finally woke me up a bit I think last week finally caught up with me. The week ahead is peppered with exactly the same routine I've had the last few weeks and until I actually get there my imagination rolls it all together as if it's all happening at once, which it never can. There are a few slightly interesting plans as well, I'm collecting a couple of old family photo albums made by my late uncle with some pictures I've probably never seen before. I'm also completing my own third album which will be on its way with an advance order, and also get the new photos I took developed tomorrow. Everyday stuff, ups and downs and that's it over and over again. I reckon today was the anticlimax after yesterday, back to normal, and the electric camera wound a 36 film back after 22 so I couldn't even finish what I wanted to take to use the film up.

So I hope every moment, or any moment ahead this week is better than I thought, and there may be some positive balance to the dull stuff, OK stuff that usually pays me money, and boring chores which have to be done sooner or later, alone. I do appreciate the loyal readers, I know a few regulars return and if I write I prefer it read by an audience as otherwise I can use my notebook as I do anyway. Technically the routine of the last few weeks was pretty good, it was a few days working and a few days photos each week. I saw a few people and got a little business done as well. But when it seems that whatever I did before doesn't affect now or possibly ahead it all seems to have vanished. Not the slightest benefit from my efforts besides pages of photos. Maybe there's more but I'm not aware of it yet. I carry on as there's nothing else I can do, and sometimes trust me, I leave elements out here which contribute to my moaning. There is more at times and stuff anyone would have trouble tolerating. OK, we all have the same shit, but mine seemed to have been fairly consistent that one followed another for such a long time. I moaned with reason, not oversensitivity. Mathematically if anyone added up my life since say 1981 it's been rough in many patches.

Once my mother left I then had to retake exams annually till 1984 when I finally got my degree 2 years late. In 1993 the family house was finally sold and although I'd had my own place since 1988 had no alternative to return to when I felt like it. My tenants, designed to combine income with company, were like letting stray cats or tramps in the house. Not the answer. Years with dating agencies in my 30s meeting women a decade older than me with children and a bad attitude, losing a job in 1997 and never getting another except for a week despite hundreds of applications. OK there were obviously highs as well, but the total if you combine the two piles, just like the dreaded balance sheet I just produced, is a fairly big loss. Those are the facts and objectively I say put anyone else in exactly the same position that I am and they would barely feel any different to me. It is tough and it is not through any action I could have taken or not taken of my own.

Now tomorrow and the week ahead may well be ok, once the accounts are put to bed that will help, and then who knows. But those are the figures and make up the foundations of my present life. Put them together and see what they add up to.

Global madness

Despite enough evidence to convince a panel of scientists, the politicians grind on with the CO2 led lies to tax us to poverty, curb third world development and promote lethal nuclear power. So what other lies can they feed us once enough public have reached the tipping point of disbelief?

Global nagging. The fear kosher wine released into the water supply will turn us all into Jewish mothers.
Global wetting. The theory too much greenhouse gas will make us incontinent. Far more scary than rising sea levels I think.
Global winding. The more we fart the more the earth heats up. Hang on, they have said that already.
Global wandering. Do as they say or you'll all get Alzheimers and then we can tell us whatever we want and you'll believe it.
Global impotence. Turn your lights off or all your dicks will go soft.
Global lying. Sums it all up really.

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Sanity returns, other news I had my second Funtrivia site meeting after over 2 years from the last, a very nice one to one this time after 8 last time. It's really like meeting celebrities as you get to know both well from a distance and rarely meet in person, but feel you already know them well. More so as we actually talk to each other there as well. And someone there actually asked to look at the site so maybe I'll get my second recruit in 7 years. I hope so anyway. I should finish my roll of film tomorrow and get the photos out by next weekend. On a totally different topic I just saw a screen name worthy of use by me had I a) not had one already and b) actually thought of it, Ewar Woowar. That is a Big Brother moment from 2003 when Scott said why are there so many Ds in Edward Woodward, the answer being Ewar Woowar would sound stupid. Cameron pissed himself laughing for about 5 minutes and I was rolling around on the floor as well, possibly since seeing South Park the movie some years earlier.
I tried to see the man himself at a theatre during rehearsals but though he was absent Ann Charleston of Neighbours (Madge) and Crossroads was there and we had a nice chat. When big stars do local theatres they often share the public area and you can sneak in and see them rehearsing, which is far better than sitting through a whole play. I prefer to see them as themselves in person and act on TV. More like an interview I suppose.

Until (ha ha) I become a celebrity meeting them has to be the closest, and Harry Hill, Big Brother housemates and Araya Mengesha (not famous here but pretty big in America) who came to my house to interview me are a start, as well as Patrick Stewart and Sue Johnson (Brookside and the Royle family) rehearsing. I've also been to 3 celebrity houses, Richard Attenborough, Donovan and Stanley Kubrick, though none were around at the time. But I did visit Jim Henson's office as he required his deliveries personally so we had to put them directly in his hand rather than reception, and I saw a room the size of my lounge with people assembled like a medieval supper around it making muppets out of material. It's all done in a tiny shop in Hampstead and this is one of the most productive TV workshops in the world. No idea if it's still there since he died but no reason why not. He was very nice to me as well, unlike some I've had to visit or come across while working. I've worked with many celebrities through delivering, working in a music shop, sports shop and prop hire company but am still scratching on the door of fame myself. The money would be a bonus, and the women.

People can be arseholes.

I may doubt the effectiveness, but having no plans for the rest of my life so far seems to be balanced by others making them for me, or thinking of something on the day or the day before at most. Another week of work and taking photos, I earned a little (believe me, it was very little) but both took a lot of photos and uploaded nearly all the photos for my new album after finding a few missing of the CDs which I recover from online, except they only make minimum size prints that way. But once I add the last few I'll order 2, one for me and one for the gallery, and watch the apathy roll in. My 4 paintings have been there about 18 months and besides just being removed from a box have not sold one item. And if they were crap they wouldn't have accepted them, and the ones on my wall look pretty good so I assume the standard is reasonably consistent.

Other than that it's business as usual, ie blank. I already have a couple of bookings for next week but no more than last, but I suppose you can't be truly unemployed and self employed at the same time and when I work it may be at random but is slightly more than none. Most is from home (and the best paid ever), a little in the house opposite plus I now supplement my mum's gardener as he is a bit heavy handed so she'd rather I did the delicate work which is more pleasure than any of the others besides writing which I never got paid for anyhow.
I also found the channel that showed me 4 times in 3 months, Discovery Kids, has gone along with the Sky channels when my cable company decided to up their profit margin by reducing the channels they offer for the same price. Apparently no one has managed to make a case against them although unless a court tries it no one will know if they are legally doing so. Like I have the resources...

Sometimes it's hard to see the funny side of things, and while I look I'll add that despite pouring cold scientific water on the global warming movement on Thursday in the programme which explained why CO2 is hardly responsible for anything besides keeping many living things alive the movement progresses as if nothing happened although basically explained in great detail as a lie. We watched ice sheets breathe in and out every year in time lapse, they melt, they reform, ad infinitum. And guess what, there's more time in history without them than with. And when the climate was much warmer 500 years ago Europe thrived. And the poor polar bears somehow survived as well. How evil liars set to tax us and slowly kill us with radiation through nuclear power beat the intelligence of the majority of the population can only tell me how fucking gullible the average Joe is. How difficult is it to follow an article that gives no facts and based purely on guesswork as they almost all are? It never fooled me for one word, so why have more people on earth fallen for this scam than any other in history? I can only say besides the incredible organisation of the UN liars worldwide people must be thick as shit. What other conclusion can anyone come to? And to think the same people sit on juries every day, God help us...

A bit boring.

The week has echoed the last few in a way, but as I was both working and taking photos it's not so bad. I've picked about 70 pictures (a few taken today) for my local album for the gallery and have to dig the old stuff from various CDs which is not the easiest way to do it. Then 2 hours to upload (note to anoraks, professional webmasters pay a lot for sdsl which uploads as fast as it downloads). I have to click them all and disappear to load them into the album when I come back. Then pay for two albums, one free sample (call it advertising budget) and one for me. But if I can't piss away a few pounds for fun and my career at my age it'll mean I'm totally potless and it's not quite that bad.

Otherwise women have come and gone (one admittedly with my help, not quite up to par) but it does at least prove to all the cynics I do keep meeting them even though there may be gaps of over a year. I'd like to carry on but there's a video I should watch sooner or later and if I start now it won't hang about like a bad smell. The accounts are finally done and will be submitted tomorrow assuming it's not possible to get the last data I need. But all the problems were sorted out last night after a week so it shows even if they mean little to me when printed I seem to have learnt how to prepare them with a bit of tuition. Tomorrow was down for gardening with photos first but the rain is back and may last for the next 4 months at this rate. But it's not cold and that's the main thing, I do feel it nowadays.

Any other news will have to wait, if there was any, I've got too many things to do. Makes a change but only as it's so late.

Star Trek, the kosher generation

With the demise of Star Trek and Seinfeld I realised the perfect solution to revive the whole lot would be the Seinfeld cast on board the bridge of the Enterprise for the new series, Star Trek, the kosher years.

Jerry as Captain, George as number one, Elaine as communication/yachna officer and Kramer as the token goy in charge of security.

Jerry is on the bridge. Incoming video message from his mother. Jerry, do you really think you can navigate a spaceship? I really think your brother would have been better at it. And there are so many germs out there in space, did you make sure you got your shots? Mom, I've got the Klingon ambassador with me, I don't think he's interested in our family differences. What, you're embarrassed about your mother? I wiped your tuchis for two years and you worry about some schvartzer Klingon seeing me? Mother, this is 2458, we don't call them 'schvartzers' any more. Ach, you think they understand? They can't even speak English without a translator...
George arrives. 'What's wrong with this replicator? The number of times I've asked it to get my chocolate chip cookies right and they still taste like crap. It would be easier to beam to Manhattan and buy a packet whenever I run out. But I'm not paying for it.'
Incoming announcement 'It's been 3 weeks since I've had any sex' 'Elaine, I keep telling you, the communication officer isn't supposed to use the system for their personal issues' 'What's the point of having the ear of the whole ship if I can't use it?' 'It's against Starfleet regulations' 'Starfleet? What do they know about my oestrus cycle? Jerry, I'm almost ovulating and if I don't get a piece soon I'll soon be looking at George!' 'Okay Elaine, I think I can let that go'.

Of course Jason Alexander was in Star Trek before Seinfeld, and enough of the officers were jewish the new format is only a natural progression. Then (being a robot) Data could be information officer and just discovered his jewish identity, as I did fairly recently. 'I am actively exploring my history captain, what are the correct circumstances for saying 'oy gevalt'?' If only I could eat, I want to try kreplach mit lockshen' 'Captain, can we use the Vulcan temple as a synagogue on Saturdays? I've memorised the whole morning service and just need you to qualify me as a rabbi'. Then he decides to become frum and replicates a beard and peyess and wears a black hat. 'Data, we're all jews here but it doesn't mean we have to be orthodox' 'Captain, I feel I must fully get into my true being, it has been 350 years I have been separate from my identity and this is the truest way I can relate to my roots' 'Thank god he wasn't a Jamaican George...'

end of episode one.

The nature of reality

Based on my latest reading, there are only two possibilities. Either life is as science presents or there is more. The book both says there is more, reflects much of my own experience, and gives ways to test it. I will report more as I go along although it says it's not necessary to tell a soul at least it helps organise my thoughts even though it's not designed to teach anyone anything.

I've continued the busy theme, a few appointments plus this major (for me) accounts job which kept me out of mischief all week although I'm not qualified to do it. Two good sets of photos added and plenty of spiritual business in between as my current course is taking me into the territory I mentioned above. Two women around (new experience) neither consummated, one preferred but the other available in comaprison, and I just see the comparison with the one who got away with the boyfriend who is really right for me. So I have the benchmark and all it does is show me the faults with the two I may have a chance with. So far. But as long as there's contact there's a little chance and as the feelings are there on both sides the huge male obstacle may not be as terminal as it appears. Just like watching fucking neighbours but this is a real life and my future (apologies to Americans as I suspect neighbours hasn't reached your shores due to plenty of home grown soaps). If anyone wrote a soap of the relatively active parts of their own lives few would know the difference, fiction is never more valid than fact or bloggers would be making it up to make it seem more interesting. You can relate far better to an ordinary real life than any old crap you can make up.

Rain today but I went to the gym and then saw friends opposite so had enough to do. Not much on the diary (nothing actually) besides avoiding the dentist, but I had no plans before and kept useful for weeks so far. And my comments are back, thanks everyone, it does make a difference.

Loose ends

Like the rain life is guided by the social weather outside and we appear to follow (I am learning an alternative now but until I have this represents the current state). Work pops up and now three weeks running I've worked Tuesday and Wednesday, but today had a very nice visitor as well in between which was new.

Another new visitor booked for tomorrow, people do turn up in little bunches like most things, the only clue to order in the apparent chaos. And my particular work today was giuded by the rain, no gardening but accounts, which turned out to be more pressing and way beyond the level I should be doing. Not my choice for sure. Tomorrow is set to be dry for the second time in almost a week, which photos get taken remain to be seen but I certainly far from wasted the week so far despite hardly leaving the house today, but proved working from home is no easier than working anywhere else if the work gets tough. At least at present I don't have to get up tomorrow, having been woken up by a call so early today as it was coming from half way round the world. The sort of random crap we all get but at least I didn't have to go out and do gardening afterwards due to the crap weather. It'll keep. The new bike brakes are sitting here waiting to go on as well which I'll do tomorrow though whether I'll find time to use it I don't know.

I don't know whether I miss my philosophy or not. I'd come in a complete circle to realise our apparent position of passive acceptance and if my new book is right may well find the opposite. I will see as it goes along. It's my path and one I never intend to teach if it works mainly as it's already being taught and it's for my benefit and at most would stop having to present the old view I had based on physical limits as this system relies on the non physical. I haven't got far enough yet to say any more but am working at it. It does explain my phases and coincidences and nothing else has, plus it also agrees with my own opinions and experiences of what I've seen personally. I won't even recommend it yet as unless it works there's no point. Too many false dawns in my life to bother now, and even the things I know which work aren't totally reliable.

I still get bored after being left on my own at night. Too much of an anticlimax to whatever I've done during the day, and for every person that either takes for granted or criticises their family they live with just wait till they all leave. Don't wait till you lose what you have before you realise its value, it's only too easy to always want more, and I find when I do I lose what I have, and wish I had it back. Sometimes I do get them back and others I don't. But I never again want to lose something before I appreciate it. I think I've covered enough ground today. I hope occasionally I actually teach or help someone, these ideas took a long time to discover and work out and until proved wrong are the current way I see how things are. I for one hope I'm wrong given all the conclusions I just mentioned.

Freedom of speech

Not that it's a bad thing, I've done the same work routine every Tuesday for 3 now, though I think it spread to the next day as well last times, and may tomorrow though the actual accounts I was asked to prepare are for an accountant and not someone who failed their 1st year so I may have to give up that one.
I was meant to do some gardening tomorrow but the rain continues after a short gap yesterday and will stop gardening if it does, though I think most photos will be unaffected by it if I do that instead. I'll have to wait and see. But at least today was fairly productive and am a little more like a 'normal' person doing a little more work than none at all.

No TV on now and being too early for bed this seemed the best thing to do, and whether or not I have readers or any subject matter at all I still see what fills the page though now blogger have stopped the interest links besides my little list I really don't know how to find others any more. It also never saves my details so I have to sign in, as does Hotmail as well now. No idea why.

I still reckon I've lost track somewhere and am being gradually directed out of whatever shit I was put in, partly through courses and books as besides relying on elements of the supernatural/god the past seems to fit with what they say so if true would make sense of how everything got so totally out of control. I could also tidy my desk but at this time of night because I also start reading everything before throwing it out would keep me up all night. If it's pissing it down tomorrow then it's a good way to use the time. Of course had I been tidying someone else's desk (as I often used to) it would be called work and I'd be paid, but quite honestly I manage now as I am so sod the work either way. Not a big issue anymore. Happiness is all and if I am judged (including by myself) for not fitting society's standards it can fuck right off.

Meanwhile the news each day becomes more and more depressing or trivial and far better ignored altogether. It never used to be as bad, especially as the recent trend is to fill half a paper with gossip as people (not me) prefer it and there isn't enough real news to fill them. I see headline after headline I turn over as they are telling us that if we itch scratching might give relief, and did you know Suffolk has the most masturbators in the UK. Who gives a flying fuck? Surveys either telling us what we know or don't need to know are wasting money creating work for people who would really be better off unemployed than assaulting our minds churning out endless drivel. They should be judged for taking money for that rather than doing something useful or letting it go to someone who does. The saddest thing is if the masses felt the same way as me people would have to stop these studies (their word not mine) and if people then talk about it with others as if it's actually something interesting then David Icke's theories of mind control are highly understandable.

I think my blog and many more are a little antidote to all that as whatever I write is unpaid, unbribed and totally honest. No reason not to be. If it wouldn't get me into trouble we could all say a lot more but besides including and possibly identifying others people will always try and take advantage of certain information so I have learnt to be more careful than I used to be here.
So, from little verging on nothing I hope I may have both educated and discouraged a few people from wasting their thoughts and attention on the cack the papers present us with no different from the lowest type of women's magazines and literature for the retarded and possibly questioning the value of it. So next time some cretin at work enthusiastically tells you that more people in Aberdeen eat oranges than anywhere else in the UK and the most expensive condoms are in Cornwall you can tell them David tells you to fuck off. You know it makes sense.

Should I bother?

Back again. Great names of journalism and autobiography are probably great partially as they manage to write whatever else is happening. I must have had the most boring day in memory, rain assisted, and as it continues all I can do is try and write about it. I just checked my hits and I think even if a couple of people read (or look and run away) each day it's worth continuing, and my hits are about 10 a day, though one had 35, maybe I called the radio that day which of course would raise some interest. My other sites are picking up on balance, though my msn just lost its counter, which I was told about, and now instead of freezing at the last figure as it said it's invisible so I couldn't set the new one. And when I added it all it did was show a link to its own site and no bloody numbers. Why do we ever bother?

So next week, health and sanity permitting (not reliable at the moment) I'm starting the short process of marketing my photo albums. Being unemployed means you can make the best of your talents and then see if you can sell them. OK, I'm self-employed but the hours I work I may as well be unemployed. The couple of women still talking to me may be visiting as well, though one for business (she says) and the other unknown and untested as yet. I need a haircut as well but I'm not holding my breath. The question I sometimes ask is given the identical situations to me would anyone else react the same way or am I really too sensitive? Until I can find anyone with even similar conditions (there aren't that many) I wouldn't know, and the ones with my mental condition are not a good place to start either as they tend to come as a selection. I have no other issues thank god, sensitivity being the only one and in the days of the epic poets hardly a disadvantage, besides dying in your 30s which I at least avoided. Being born in the Victorian era or fighting on a war didn't help them either though.

This computer just did the equivalent of a geriatric wetting its pants by removing the last paragraph, maybe not such a bad thing on reflection, I was saying how real life appears to have stopped all but the few from blogging since the peak last year, and having 3 hits a day means people do read this, I just miss the 50s I was getting and the associated comments. But people become busy and I still return to the internet. I may still save the preferred entries to one place and see what I can do with it, at least it'll be another collection for me to offer the market in my media path. One thing about writing is however unpolished it may be you have an editor to fix it unlike any other performance so I do my part and they can choose to improve it. But how many people can have so much to say and not try and make some use of it? I think it would be a waste not to.

Competition

OK, I'm not really being fair and realistic comparing myself with someone over 20 years my junior, but my fellow blogger still seems to be living 3 lives at once and though I did a lot more at his age I've never come across anyone who does that much. But in competition at the ripe old age of 47 with no family or children to get me out and about, I am at the phase of looking for inner peace and happiness and unlike many people who endure the same cinemas and theatres all their lives (are there that many?) I overdid that and more or less wound down in my mid 20s.
Then at mid 30s, thanks to Barnet being promoted, I started going to football regularly which continued almost to 2005, though I reached a similar point after over 70 matches, about 60 within 8 years, that I'd become more interested in collecting new teams than watching matches. I want to see Arsenal reserves and Barnet again sooner or later but have had so many illnesses recently I need to be fully fit before I go. Around the same time I started spiritual lectures which also continued almost to the present day, mainly as I doubt there is anything new left to hear and prefer to practice what I learned in the last ones than keep adding and get confused.

So really I have been far from out of it, just felt like I was. Now I see a supermarket as a major ordeal, but apart from frozen meals the new grocers who sprung up near me (after losing my 24/7/365 Budgens I relied on for years) are the same prices so no need to care. My last year's activity has been digital photography, over 1100 pictures on flickr, many printed and well over 100 of the best in 2 hardback albums. Then I began my real ambition in 2005, being filmed for TV. I always wanted to be on the stage rather than in the audience, and apart from a week or so in an amateur production of Oliver in 1973 I have performed for small discos as the interval entertainment and sung at a comedy performance when the main act didn't turn up. Now I've been on TV around the world twice and will have an online performance (boo!) next month, the link I will add as soon as I get it, though sadly it will be subscription so don't bother.

So from going to watch other performers I also switched to meeting them or at least watching them informally. I have met and spoken to Harry Hill, Madge from Neighbours (Ann Charleston), four Big Brother housemates, Dave Bassett (football manager), as well as watching one of my top heroes Patrick Stewart rehearsing with Sheila from Brookside in the last few years. Behave our Barry!

So I think I have pretty well fulfilled and compensated for one phase ending and added some pretty useful activities instead and am now waiting for the next theme to take over especially as I'm running out of photos to take. But looking back on this entry I don't think I've been too slack the last few years however few places I actually seem to go to. Maybe that's just an illusion.