Back to normality

I can now update yesterday's photo shoot. The original arrangement was a book launch for charity (I have a few photos in it) in a restaurant following a cooking demonstration. No way Jose. I was asked to do the photos so simply explained the claustrophobia (that's agoraphobia when you're stuck indoors) and said photos yes, meal no. I wasn't there to socialise but do a job, and that is what I did. Apart from taking photos two summers running on a music holiday I've never done official photography for anyone else before, so a career first. They came out well, there were no celebrities there despite it being a celebrity recipe book, but otherwise did the job I wanted to and only took just over half an hour. If I'm lucky they'll also make the paper as well.

So I've managed something else, life is back to normal and I have another sign to search for at the weekend if it has survived another 18 years since being found. I am now wearing photochromic glasses with the reading bit in which I just collected, and can see very well with them, and actually read better than the usual ones, which is a relief as I only got the new reading bit in May and already seemed a bit too weak. I went along the shops and finally got myself a salt beef sandwich after waiting probably years, which was just as it should be. I also saw a twat in front of me on the roundabout on a mobile, and as always took a photo for the gallery of shame. Except this time the flash went off, and he blocked my way and interrogated me why I did it. I just said he was the guilty one as he'd committed an offence and buggered off sharpish.

I may soon go into retirement on that one, it's becoming too dangerous. He got off the phone straight away though and maybe won't even do it again as he thinks I may be official.

Blogger has decided to shift all photos to the top so rather than try and fix it (see previous entry with photos) I'll just have to leave it as it is. The cooking demo is shown above, and then took random and posed photos of the guests. I haven't heard anything yet from the organiser but hope he's as happy with them as I am.

For the other agoraphobics here

I am currently kicking my heels until I go out in a couple of hours (more of that later), it's been raining all day so housework and internet quizzes etc until the time comes to go. My bedroom is tidier than it's been since it was built and most of the washing up has been done. I'm also busy on various global warming threads in forums, and the latest lies the IPCC have been caught accepting from any twat who agrees with their ends mean to me if anyone still believes them they should be put in group care.
Someone just turned up one of the best old signs there is on a private road, but seen in 1992. Now I have to go and check at the weekend just in case as the rules didn't affect private roads.

Spending a day alone with your fears is a form of mediation as you clearly see every possible thing you imagine can go wrong when you go out later. Mainly based on very rare but terrifying past experiences then they become the focus simply because that is human nature, magnified many thousands of times in phobics. Technically if it doesn't stop you going somewhere then it's the same as fear of flying, many people have it but still go ahead. But not having to suffer in advance would be nice for a change. The old tablets helped for years until the return after a long gap caused problems preventing their use again. The new ones are quite different but don't affect the thoughts very much like the others did.
Being older and more independent there are also far fewer such events as I simply turn down most others as any mature person is entitled to do. Something I learnt only relatively recently. Anyone who takes offence can screw themselves and aren't worthy of worrying about as I never would in their position.

Anyway, the time is getting closer so half the stress will be over, the run up to such events is always as bad, if not worse if they turn out to be relatively harmless. I'm well beyond caring about it or worse still imagining I can fix it, and as it happens so rarely now just one of those things sent to try us. But remember, for those lucky enough not to suffer, agoraphobia doesn't stop you going out unless severe, it is a morbid fear of it. Quite different in practice.

You can't do it all yourself

Technically although there's nothing wrong at the moment, total emptiness means as well as being able to rest and relax also means I have to make my own amusement. I don't expect too much, nearly everyone else seems to manage somehow to live in a family and that's all I really need, any more would be extra. I managed to edit the video after a few days work and is now loading to Youtube.

It has been a successful year so far, lots of old signs, as per examples. For some reason they've shoved them at the top of the page and when I tried to move them all the text vanished so will stay where they are now. I've seen more people this year than in the last 5 years, had my first work published in a book etc, but technically nothing has changed. Hence the reason I meditate and do similar work as that insulates you from the outside forces whatever they are. But that's the same as sleeping, you can go to bed, lie down and wait but can't make yourself sleep. The same goes there, you meditate but have no control over the results. But nothing else can change your inner being besides drugs and they aren't going to make it better. It's also impossible to rely on the internet for entertainment the whole time, even that runs out of material sometimes and the efforts I make to find friends, old or new, there have only managed occasional meetings. Like any treasure hunter you have to keep digging and if there's one person there who will stick can only carry on, unlike old signs other people are not restricted to a specific number.

So the week of freedom so far has produced a video of Golders Green, two music videos, and a few photos of houses I've seen on my travels. I've done some housework such as washing and filing, and at least found there isn't even a lot left to do. So ahead there's the remaining Streetviewing to do, selling my late grandma's house once we've cleared the last of the belongings, and very little more. It literally seems going round in circles, photos, shopping, family and back again. It's not as if I want to go anywhere else, I want someone here primarily and where I go outside is irrelevant when I come home to an empty house. That is the same as sleeping and meditation, you can't create a person to share with and expect them to want to as well. But although it's 'just happened' for most people, it doesn't for me. I still don't know why either.

I've run out of material

I truly have an open book ahead of me (plus one possible arrangement next week). I was free from today onwards, and besides having an unwanted scene in the video I made of people shopping in Golders Green (tomorrow's history) meaning unless I find a program to fix it no one else will be seeing it have nothing but space ahead. As well as that non-event I can now announce my photos (3) appear in a new book for charity, I won't plug it but anyone who is interested in it leave a comment. The event is the official launch next week and if feel ok will turn up, take photos of the celebrities and bugger off. I'll decide on the day which is the only way I can handle these things. And when the doorbell rang this evening with no one expected it turned out to be my sexy neighbouring MP who may be standing here next time when the areas are merged. Besides seeing her on TV for years she was also single then and looking for a man, by the time I decided to send a message she had clearly moved on. But a nice surprise, she looks just as expected and very nice with it.

Besides a couple of hours of videos I may start watching later tomorrow the day remains unplanned. My filing has been started and washing done, and did want a rest after last week's activities (visitors/visits every day) but not 100%. With no one else in the house making my own entertainment is all there is, and can't keep coming up with ideas, and wouldn't need to if there was someone else to talk to, that would be enough. Funnily enough I did have two offers from women to stay here today, one from an ex who may need a room for a few days and the other from a married woman who wasn't really serious. She probably would otherwise but not much use after the event. And then only maybe for my mind, they so often do, screw a bastard and unload on me. No obvious answers to that one.

So the CV has increased, I have now had work published in a book at the age of just 50, so shows if you have something to offer and keep offering it (especially for nothing, although in this case I actually paid a little to buy the book as well) it will eventually be accepted. Not so myself apparently, as no single acceptable woman has yet coincided with interest in me since 2002. But I do my best and when I used to be able to follow up every possible lead spent years on dodgy blind dates and never scored with any but one of them. The usual venue was a pub, and unless the few who lived near me were at their end, from Essex to Surrey and all points between. A few saw me and ran (I saw them do it), the others were average (I'd seen photos by then, no shocks after 30 for me), but despite being quite happy to give them all a go none saw me more than a few times and didn't let me do anything before disappearing. I went anywhere more or less, paid for them and from what I remember need one who shares my sense of humour before she gets me. The rest seem to be from another planet (the boring one) and don't get me at all.

I've also seen an apparent lack of any supernatural events or spiritual progress recently. Everything seems very ordinary and although once you know it's not as simple as that it can still appear to be, and long enough to almost forget it is. I can't imagine what may happen next on that front, and wondering how long it will take to edit my video as well, a task you'd assume would be included with the camera. Nope. I admit things have gone pretty smoothly this week, a business issue has been sorted out, my sunglasses are being made and all food is here. I filled the free day today with no trouble at all, and shouldn't think about the next following besides an idea to fill it, which so far hasn't come to me. It's too cold to walk around much outside as I do when it is, could make another video few people will watch in another suburb like the others, and make a few dubious speculative phone calls when I get back. I never mind digging for gold but only when I know there is some there at all, however little. I may only turn up cat poop at this rate though.

Looking at my possibilities

Choices, go to bed at a sensible time or blog? You already know the answer. A better weekend than possible, two old signs found yesterday and another business issue sorted out today. The week ahead is clear besides letting the charity collectors in at my late grandma's tomorrow and then take my glasses to have new lenses fitted. That will mop up tomorrow during the daylight and the rest is clear, last week's activities were fine at the time but couldn't do them regularly, spreading people out evenly is obviously better but I don't make the rules.

I do recall a time (before the profile links here went for a year) when the blog was quite a busy place. 50 hits a day and regular comments. I'm relieved two people still comment but where are the rest? OK, the two who called me every name known and a few more are quite welcome to disappear, but knowing from experience how few people blog regularly on their own lives (as opposed to reviewing events or gadgets as if they want a job in some shitty magazine with a few million other aspirants) I am one of the few who has kept going from day one. As life keeps going why on earth would I stop?
I don't read as many now admittedly, you lose the habit when not able to, and then none of the old people are still there. I found a few new ones to link and that was it.

Using the many new age methods I should be able to test my own prowess (assuming they aren't cack after all) this week and direct something positive in. Focus on one thing and see. Today would also have been my grandma's 100th birthday, she made 99 and 4 months which was a bit of a waste of all that preparation, but a lot better than nearly everyone else gets. And me, for having a grandma till I was 49. Only my parents now, and then nothing until 2nd cousins. Not a good prospect that. I still can't believe making an effort to find a person or two to support me in the future can make it happen, especially from people I already know who are at arm's length. My most reliable friends return any time from 2012 but may not be local when they do. The only very dubious ways to get company at home are tenants (no thanks, one in 10 may be ok and then bugger off after a few weeks or so), or pay for a carer. Well I can only see my income covering my requirements and not for a second person as well. So what the hell does anyone do? Search me.

As almost guaranteed (I would have bet on it, although a 1/6 chance it always happens) my book arrived the day I'm not here, I knew it would as they always do. So I won't see it till Thursday, no surprise there. I intend to go to the launch as invited to do the photography and explained my position with regard spending any time there. I haven't even walked in a restaurant for years so no idea the odds of a panic attack. It's not that I always do, but the possibility and fear in advance that are the killers, trust me. Besides one actress I was taken with, I can't think of a single celebrity photo I've taken (who has?), mainly as you never know when you'll see one and secondly it's bloody rude to point a camera in their faces in the street. Plenty of autographs as those are normal, but no more. I did get the backs of John and Edward from X Factor from traffic lights last month but not worth looking at.
I'm also checking out a job for the first time in a few years as well. I don't want one mind you, not a tough one anyway like this, but it's the only one I've seen at my professional level I could get to at all so have to investigate. And if you don't really want it then you can almost guarantee they'll offer it to you, just like with women. It's only when you're interested people turn you down, with very few exceptions.

I haven't had a regular job for a very long time. After losing my last I tried almost solidly for 5 years, getting one which lasted a week as there were no customers to be there to serve. Instead of wasting my time I then studied from home for over a year to get my qualifications up to scratch to apply for professional counselling jobs, and when I did the best I got was a single interview after another year and a half trying. It's a job where people are nearly all self employed and the cream get anything regular. I will see. Of the two the photography is far more important for my career as I'm a counsellor already but no media work, and would earn a lot more from the media as well as a lot more variety. I can keep the clients as always but plenty of space for media work and the huge sums of money they pay wouldn't go amiss either. No qualifications required either, just pure chance if you've any talent at all.

A busy week

A very unusual week for the last decade or so, after 11 people for my birthday on saturday, the two people delayed by the snow came for dinner (delivered), then a work booking followed by an old girlfriend arriving from Manchester with very little notice for the evening, one booking yesterday and out with a friend today. It can't last though and like most phases of all types will open and close. The book with my photos in is in the post now and will do my best to get to at least some of the launch as can take them there as well, besides the incredible network opportunities, but can't handle a crowded restaurant very long though and may not even make any of it. Nothing is worth suffering for for any cause, besides taking exams once they're over then all other suffering is either forced on us or an option. And I believe if I miss one opportunity another will turn up in its place, that only doesn't work with women as business and pleasure have quite different laws.

No more real plans now, I am getting new lenses put in my sunglasses this week, and otherwise it will be business as usual unless more possibilities turn up. Meanwhile a new teacher I've subscribed to gave a very interesting description of enlightenment (he really seems to both understand and explain it), if meditation is where the thing you focus on becomes all you are aware of, when that is focused on consciousness itself you experience enlightenment. And when it becomes all you experience continually you are enlightened. That makes sense.
Between visitors/visits I've been making a few local videos which are more popular than my musical ones, although the comedy is by far the most popular. I think that's about right as of all the videos and shows I've done the comedy is my favourite as well. Most people who play an instrument can do it better than me but not as many people can do comedy full stop. You can't learn that in lessons, it's either there or not.
So after wanting a career in the media I have a possible break, but one on the borderline of my own tolerance levels. I'll just see how I feel on the day and take it from there, I can't do any better.

No more answers but plenty of questions then, and few ideas new or otherwise. So just wait and see again, there's no more I can do. It was a very productive week but left me with little more than memories.

Limbo is near Hendon

11 people over for my birthday on Saturday, two visitors on Tuesday delayed from when it was snowing, a client yesterday followed by old girlfriend's arrival from Manchester in the evening as she was told the train home may be cancelled from snow so came to see me instead, and a client tonight. The phase of energy for anything arrives, opens and closes again, whether good, bad or indifferent they are around. Otherwise I've made a couple of local videos but when I ran out of discs instead of buying more tried to 'manage' the ones I had, meaning I wrecked one scene (not lost but wrecked) and haven't found a way to save the films and burn them to large DVDs to reuse the little ones. I have the hardware but only get error messages.

But like when I had friends over from school they don't stay so back where I was once they've gone, and really need someone else locally I can at least go and see regularly as well. I've got two more videos uploading since I did lose some data to wipe one disc completely as I wanted to make a video and it was too late to buy more tonight. I don't even know what I wiped out but assumed I had a hard copy and forgot to check what was on it. Never mind. Besides a 2 hour video that needs watching in one go (too late really now) there was nothing on TV at all today, so didn't mind working a double session (time, not money) and am now wondering what to do and say here as neither is exactly inspired. Tomorrow's taken care of with chores, and the cleaner's coming the next day so have to wait in for her. Not that I have a single idea left for where to take photos as 4 years is a long time to cover a large area when going almost daily.

So although I can look back on past achievements they haven't affected the present (besides making me go and get some things I've got already), the book with a couple of my photos in it has just come out and should be in the post, and can't see any more than that. So that means I can now do the washing up as it's the last thing on the list and any more will have to come to me as I can't go and get it at the moment. There's always housework to do but it's been a long day/week and I'm too tired now. That will wait.

I'm not suffering if I can help it

Search me, but I do feel like I've entered a new level at 50. I will see. I put a heck of a lot of work into the last decade, whatever some people think. As there is no formula for finding women after mid 20s when the good ones get hooked up I can still count plenty of attempts on the system, nearly all turned down. That wasn't my fault. I also went to a whole heap of spiritual lectures and courses, gained a few qualifications there as well and practice a number of the things I was taught. Although I often mention the things I can't do, when I'm doing well there are others I can. So with or without effort we all deserve success if we haven't done any harm. Effort is fine with exams or paid work but for personal ambitions it's more being in the right place at the right time and knowing what to say.

I do feel so far most of that has been wasted for me, although I know it helps others who can use it for their own problems. So many healers and therapists suffer more than their patients, and is probably due to their sensitivity that allows them to understand others so well. But it doesn't stop us doing the work, we just suffer as well. I need someone to look after me, not because there's anything wrong with me but I believe everyone does, or why would marriage exist? The last few decades of my life could be better if I settle for almost anyone rather than keep waiting for someone I actually choose. Of course then they can turn up, probably within days, as that seems to happen nearly every time. No Russians, Thai, or Ghanaians for me. Besides the Thai women nearly all the rest are simply coming here to rob you and bugger off with a new British passport. No thanks.

Today actually turned up another old sign on a road I rarely use and must have passed driving the other way and missed it last time I looked. Only another road number but one I haven't got already so useful. And I only found it as I made a mistake and took a wrong route meaning a 3 mile detour exactly where it was. Who made that happen? Not me, I know that. Now if that force can take me over more and show me both where the remaining signs are and get me where I want without having to suffer for it (eg meeting the celebrities in the photo book without visiting a restaurant, my equivalent of prison) and I have suffered quite enough already so no reason to experience it to show me any more. The theory is once we know suffering we no longer need to experience it to know the opposite. Those who do are guaranteed to become ill physically and/or mentally as it's not continuous suffering required for success and to remember the contrast with pleasure, but a sample of it. I've had enough samples to fill an olympic pool anyway.

I had 11 very nice people over for my 50th birthday, they all got on well and knew them between 2 years and a lifetime (theirs as I was a bit older). I hope some go on to see each other again, a few met for the first time but most were regulars. I may not see any of them very often now but at least they're still around and just the same. The odd thing is I think besides one woman (no comment here) none live less than a few miles away so can't just pop over like I used to in the old days around Golders Green. Most friends lived within half a mile when I was at primary school, then a couple of miles at secondary. As I saw a few since then I never had any trouble, even when I moved as I was used to going there already. None at all left now. Many in the past vanished just leaving London although possible to visit once or twice a year. But if they moved back it was back to normal. It's just not convenient to see friends once they go beyond a certain point, and they clearly agree as it's as much for them to come here as vice versa. But quite reasonable not to. One reason I want to return to civilisation is where I live now is not the professional intellectual oasis that is Golders Green. Plenty of reasonably nice people but not the sort of material I'm used to.

So I see possibilities ahead of me. Even with no plans today I managed something useful, and hope the momentum keeps up. And literally every day now more IPCC 'mistakes' come out. The latest is the mountain ice data was purely from interviews with mountaineers. Very scientific backgrounds and considered anecdotal evidence, the sort dismissed unless corroborating something real. Anecdotal evidence alone has no function in science yet because they are political, not scientific, it was quite valid for that. Bear in mind scientific findings don't need to be twisted or exaggerated. I'm not aware of any modern scientific theory that's had to do that to get it past whoever approves it, so why do this lot need to? Good question?

Completing the circle

OK, Michael Jackson got to 50, and then look what happened. But they still can't take that away from me, and managed to retain at least some hair on top despite it starting to leave around half a lifetime ago. I'm just the same though, give all the health back and I'm no different from 14 inside. Today was the usual challenge, freedom but no company. There was a booking at 7.30 but the daytime was free, I was up much later than expected writing this last night, but I learn more from writing than anyone as it allows material up from inside I didn't always realise was there so affects me directly.
Last night I made a list of photos and videos I could do before I went to bed, and realised Cricklewood a mile or so away had never been filmed as it's such a dump. So I drove a circle from end to end, with still photos along the way, and have more to show on the travel films. After uploading it all a minute after 7.30 I thought 'she's not coming', despite being a regular, and 15 minutes later I was certain. I was tired, the money always helps, but is a bit like cheating when you pass the event without it happening. No gain and not a problem but that money is now absent. Never mind, my health is probably more important and had a rest instead (in front of the computer).

Yesterday I was based in the past, and after what is now exactly 50 years (OK, at 6.45pm) will see if I can drag it towards the present and see what sort of a sandwich it makes. 1981 was the year my mother left, so half my life's foundation fell that day, and although kept the same environment another 12 years wasn't really the same. I was still very busy, besides studying and working I had loads of friends and went out nearly every night when I didn't have exams. No phobias back then, most people get them later than that as I did. I collected train tickets, driving up to 250 miles each way in a day to get as many as I could before they were withdrawn, and with the degree taking up more and more time till 1984 went out with any woman who was interested rather than run around looking and getting too distracted. So I was usually in a couple of sorts, but never satisfied with a single one of them. The best I think was physically reasonably good but half witted and lived in Essex so had to pack it in after the journey home took about an hour and had exams on the horizon. It was pretty easy to replace them but not with ones of equal quality.

So the remnants of my roots continued to the end of 1993 as with the same house hadn't changed my life enough to notice, although had my own flat as well from 1988 onwards where I came and went as I said yesterday. But always home to return to. Then when I finally had to leave I was still working in the same place till 1997 so had there to return to only a mile from the old house and people from school coming in regularly. Not being a fan of work I was quite happy when that ended and just fannied around and went on little holidays as no one would give me another job however many hundreds of applications I made. I had a girlfriend or three at the time (always all or nothing with me, and quantity over quality), and went to the Cotswolds and Brussels with one, plus going to stay near her in Manchester a couple of times. Her parents wouldn't let me stay there so had to commute. I also did my two day meditation course on the hottest days of the year in Brighton so used the freedom quite well at the time. Now we're only just over 10 years from the present.

In 2000 I got a call from the shop I'd left my details with months earlier who asked if I wanted to manage their new branch. The fact it was so far into Harlesden it was actually just before Willesden Junction station and the week I spent there was totally free of customers. Just before I left on the next Monday he called to say he was renting it out and that was the end of that. The record shop which took over was actually very busy, but no use as an opticians out on the edge of town. That put me off the whole thing and found some decent home study courses, and within 2 years had reached the top level of the profession, allowing me for the first time to apply for counselling jobs. I did plenty of that, had a half day long group interview in 2003, met 5 other counsellors there with me, missed the cut and went away after lunch while the other half stayed for shortlisting.
Besides that I'd been attached to various shops and healing centres, with a total of around four bookings in that period, one who didn't pay me. I was destined to work from home from then on.

But I decided to try shop work again and just carry on my private clients, and walked the length of the main roads asking any suitable outfit, including the ones with notices in the window. I was offered an interview by WH Smiths, left the CV there and heard nothing since. But from 2001 I was doing my voluntary work as an alien abductee counsellor and debriefer, and had a few people a year here plus others I communicated with indirectly. That led to my chosen TV career in 2006 which turned out four programmes in total and hope to continue. So that was the thread from 1980 where I left off yesterday to 2010. I don't think anything now is connected to my old life, my grandma died last year so although the house remains it's as dead as she is. Just visiting a grave now. My parents remain at opposite ends of London but neither house has much to do with my old life, dating back to 1983 and 1992. My mother's was just two fingers to me as even my stepbrother was welcome there as his father was in charge, and I was kept at arms length as he couldn't stand me. So the only associations that house has is being where my mother avoided me. No nostalgia there.

So somehow I want to come full circle, bring the present back to the past but with awareness. I didn't make it happen last time, I was just dropped there by my parents and watched as one went away and then the other. No control at all. Besides photos I can't really see any connections now besides the short times when I go and visit the old patch. None of my old lot there now really, only a few people I know as they live near my mum. Breaking the link meant whoever came and went while I've been elsewhere did it without my knowledge so really have no connections and would have to start from scratch if I ever went back.
I've no idea what can be done about it but I am still aiming in that direction. The key has to be meeting another person there but how the hell is that likely to happen?

Many years of reflection

This is pretty much an experimental entry after some time. Many of my original ones were as I hadn't started describing my life, past and present, but now I'm coming up to 5 years of doing so on the days nothing special has happened and nothing's inspired me there really isn't much material to call on I haven't covered already. Or is there? Had I been in analysis presumably there would be a very deep well of information, and the longer I went on the deeper I would get.

Having a memory from the age of almost 2, I have more to draw on than most, and don't remember ever thinking or feeling any different then than I do now. Same ups and downs, same reactions etc, and many of the same interests. No way can that be environment- how much environment have you had to mould you in two years? As I've been analysing myself as long as I remember if there's much I haven't found I'm fascinated to know what it is. And even if I discover more I can't see much changing. I can be aware of it but only as an observer. And if there's anything new round the corner that will change after all this time I'll be amazed to see it.
The memory also tells me the environment I want. For most this is an previously unexperienced idealised life, maybe abroad, maybe with great riches. For me I want the life I had until my teens, in the same place and similar people. That was my role model and everything I've lost of it since tells me that's what I would rather have. A totally ordinary suburban family life with the benefit of fame if that can be added as well.

Most people have done that, maybe not as wealthy as their parents yet (except the lawyers who can buy their parents' house and pay their bills nowadays), I always feared being kicked out somehow, and worse than that I stayed and my mother left. Then I was kicked out 12 years later. I sensed unless I was married I'd gain nothing from moving out, and got that right. I had the money as I worked after leaving college in what was a very cheap property market so bought a place by 28. That was no fun at all and couldn't get a tenant either so spent most of the time at my father's anyway. The investment was all I wanted and in no hurry to actually live there unless some woman turned up to share it. The woman situation was a simple Venn diagram. The intersection between the women I wanted and the women who wanted me was almost nothing, and the few in it were all sabotaged somehow so didn't last. The dropouts and bores I attracted were worse than nothing so remain alone despite dropping my standards 50% by 40 as planned. Women raised theirs at 40 for some reason so made no difference overall. Creativity does come from suffering as it's a way of relieving it, but unless it's used within your lifetime it only helps other people and not the creator.

I have no clues, plans or answers. The best I do is visit the area I left as often as possible (as I did today), keep connected with it and hope one day if nothing else I can afford to buy a place there myself. This house is fine but not in the area where I belong. If I can think of anything original to help I'll be truly amazed, as besides the slight benefits of meditation life is as it is. I did always have dreams of entertaining people, and will continue this plan as long as I live. That leads to a social life and should fix both at once. One reason I watch all I can from the 60s and 70s is to bring back some of that period to the present, as whatever we had then is all but lost now. You can't lose the recorded TV from then at least, what they kept of it anyway. Every now and then I have dreams of the ideal life, a combination of then and how it could be now, as if I was the head of a large happy family back in the 70s. I certainly knew plenty. Where I lived if you bring the wealth to the current figures most families we knew would be millionaires (we wouldn't mind you, we just mixed with them). They were a mixture of the Hampstead intelligentsia, Jewish professionals and a few wealthy business families who started with nothing.

Most had large families, at least more than the one of me, and the best times were spent around Hampstead Heath, in the snow in winter, the coffee bars there and in Golders Green and wandering around the shops and going back to one of their houses for tea. This was also in the hippy era so many of the females were dressed either like that or like Twiggy, and the fathers were no longer the Victorian patriarchs of the 50s who had overlapped the decades, but intellectual comedians who probably had orgies with their wives and friends and walked around the house naked. The money meant their houses had the best decor of the period, some had games rooms for the kids to disappear to, and most ended up at the top schools when old enough to. Christ knows what happened to them all now. They all dropped off the radar sooner or later, I changed schools many times, people moved away, grew up, died, the usual things. I stayed put and did the same I always had while everyone else came and went. I tried a few others long ago but home is best in the end and I am content in the best parts of London thank you. Only a handful of readers would be familiar with the roads and places I mean, but trust me few places in the world have many like them.

As for being realistic who knows? Finance alone dictates where I live, I could have bought my parents' old house at least once had I enough to do so. That alone would give me the roots to improve my life no end. Bring my friends back from America? Only they can do that and so far are set to be there some time ahead. And a comfortable family life even in the same place in the 2010s can't be that similar to the 1960s or 70s. But they are still alive in me, so touch everywhere I go from inside, and when I complain about things the most it's because I remember how they used to be and seen how cheap and nasty has replaced class and quality in every aspect of life. Jonathon Ross sums it up TV wise, he's paid £6 million to be the biggest wanker and talentless waste of space to set an example to every thick twat on the planet who can swear and thinks they're funny. Do we really want shite like that instead of the harmless and sometimes non PC genuine talents of the 60s? Well I certainly don't.

Are my standards totally unrealistic or something I can genuinely aspire to?

Sense of humour tested

The comment thrown at comedians more than anything else is 'make me laugh'. The fact half of them don't actually write their own material instantly eliminates a proportion, and the rest vary whether they have formulas, groups to help or genuinely can do it. I think that group is the rarest and when I come here I'd often like to be funny, especially when sod all has happened to report, but it comes when there's a reason and pretty difficult otherwise.

The week ahead is already becoming booked, a visitor on Wednesday (dubious), photos tomorrow and one booking late on Thursday, so far. The photos are the best part, although local and variations on many houses I've found already. And there are only so many similar paths and straight roads to take before all the new ones look like others I've got before. This happens from time to time but always found something else to get. As for funny once I leave the realm of lavatories (stopped at about 16 and revived when I went on holiday and all the kids expected to be entertained) the rest really depends on subjects and circumstances. There are only so many ways to present periods, farts and incontinence and had all been done in ancient Greece let alone before I was born. Even the stories about my grandma (usually toilet related as well) died with her last June, although also variations around the same theme for many years. Detailed descriptions of bodily functions, commands to both control and describe your own in detail and other attempts to describe and control the world around her.

So I'm not sure where the humour in my life is at the moment. It does come and go randomly in all our lives, TV has gone right off in that respect and the few people who made me laugh on the internet seem to have vanished for some time as well. I still do my best, spread myself around (it's almost free for goodness sake so may as well) and the internet has not made me famous yet. It may however get me a little recognition after the IPCC have all stood trial for war crimes (against the whole of humanity) and I never wavered in my investigation for one second. If someone is telling a lie, although they have to slip in bits of truth (see the bible for description), the actual whole scenario is inaccurate. So tell people a glacier is melting (as they can see it) and extend that to the other 99.999% you aren't looking at as if it applies to all of them. But despite selected items always used as an apparent anchor to reality, circumstantial evidence means correlation never means causation. If there even is any.

So it's bedtime already, the faster I sleep the sooner I can go out and take the photos, and the framework for the week can always be added to when I get there each day. Something more could happen but no idea what and where from. But even if there's sod all you'll still hear about it. Telling the story afterwards is often more interesting than the events themselves. That is where I clearly take after my grandma. Except about my own bodily functions.

Blockage removed

Well bugger me, a day later or less after the last entry, where everything had been blocked since the reverse event to the road sign/general guidance of my life arrived, it came back! I'd started switching from my old road photos which were all scanned in to the houses and had a few to pin down the locations. I was looking on all the little roads around Stanmore when I saw an old sign I'd never come across before, not the familiar 'danger children' (to anyone over 50 anyway, they died out by the time I was about 5) but 'beware children'. Following rule 1 of the spotter's list, I checked all surrounding roads and bingo, a related 'caution children at play' was round the corner, which is a current sign usually on lawns near roads as all these were. Thank goodness the next day I found them both intact (the images are well over a year old now) plus a spare one on the next block without lichen on it but bent instead. The other was perfect but a layer of green as many do if they face the direction scouts use to navigate. And I had to do some work at what's now half my house which was half way there already before I could go and look.

So my faith is at least temporarily restored. It's been about a month since the weekend where I found a direction sign so close I must have passed it while waiting to see a much further warning sign which was absent when reached. Then all stopped, I lost my faith (although can't lose the awareness things could be guided), and saw life just as it had been before, usual synchronicities and psychic information but just randomly with no direction. Since then I've been taking and scanning more photos of houses with more to come I've found online, and doing bits of housework. I can relax for a while (while continuing to Streetview till complete) although I think besides the very common no through roads these were the first information signs I've found since Streetview arrived 10 months ago. Unlike directions which are nearly all at junctions of important roads information signs are literally anywhere. Bearing in mind I've only found maybe 20 in the whole of London then you can see how unlikely you are to fall over one by chance, and the red triangle in Barnet was covered by a tree on Google so couldn't even see it when I looked.

So not one but three (two new to me and one repeat of it) signs have allowed me off the hook for some time, all are welcome but not so desperate now. There are some very nice houses I've just found near me I'll do during the week so one more trip covered, and no more worked out beyond or before but just let things take care of themselves. Of course my (very big) birthday follows on Friday (no comment) and people coming the day after, and although it's only a small patch do still have some hair left on top for the next decade which was always in question. I'm also doubling my chest weights and exercises as 7 years on my arms and legs are huge and my chest barely different. The weights themselves are up to my own body weight now, but either way have now started focussing and can do 6 sets of pushups (65 kilos at the moment) rather than the usual 3. I also take all the weights down as low as possible since someone picked me up on that. I weigh about 74 kilos (11st-10) and can lift 80 just to prove I can, but only a few. I'm not really bothered about the coming landmark, the quality of life is far more important and coped with the previous ones already. And women may change with age but plenty of good ones regardless. So no special 'old age' plans (yes, Saga will accept me and we know who they cater for...) but just keep the same ambitions going and hope first the book comes out with my photos in as planned for next month and the others follow. And I can only make the starts but never affect the outcomes directly. Only exams can follow those sort of routes.

Come to a halt

Before I start, why does blogger have pale colours when it can't change the background so half can't be read? I did add my own background for the first time last week so it will accept outside codes, but what's the point of offering their own if you can't read them?
Anyway, it's become boring. The steady pace of life alone reminds me of the first time when I left school 6 months before my friends as I took my exams early (I had 6 O levels just before my 16th birthday, resat and passed physics in June after 2 weeks doing nothing but physics papers every morning) plus statistics in 1978 as I needed it to try psychology. Anyway, I ran out of steam very fast. I had a moped but wasn't used to being on my own as I was either at school or with friends during the day, but now they were at school and I was at home while my parents were working.

I did my best, and tried a few of the world's worst jobs before deciding to go to my cousins in Australia. Visa in hand some turned up here (it was June so winter there) and told me not to bother as it was the wrong time and nothing to do anyway. I suspected the family had probably asked them to try and put me off staying with them so took the hint. Then our friend was back from Israel and said he could put me up with a local family for a few months there. I had a weekend in Paris with friends and then a day or so later went there only to find myself sleeping on his floor. Days passed with me making my own amusement most of the time and sleeping on floors until he admitted the people had to go abroad for a funeral and he had nowhere for me to stay. After 5 days I was back home.

The difference is now it's not temporary during the day or my life. I do go out, mainly on my own for the same reasons as in 1976, but not much to do after 4pm when it gets dark at the moment. The snow has left so been out taking photos of anything I can find I haven't done already (11,000 since the end of 2005) and actually visited a friend yesterday as he wanted to borrow a CD. He's one of the nearest left now and that's a mile from where I used to live, not where I do now. Then there's the woman of little use or function a mile away who likes me to go to places where without good company it is very boring. The next few days have likely work three days in a row, my grandma's house tomorrow, and normal work the next two. But I've got nothing else to do and business must come first and leaves less time to think of other activities.
Being very mechanical I see people as I'd see anything else, I make a list of likely candidates and wish I could move in with one of the women although the few who actually would are worse than nothing. The one who is marginal would probably not before she was married (I may be wrong) and can't have a marriage without conversation. Just a cat but in human form who can feed herself.

I can't remember if I mentioned the book launch, but my photos are being used in a charity celebrity cookery book, and the launch is in one of the situations I'd avoid even if I was being well paid for it (instead of paying for the book myself). A cookery demonstration followed by a meal in a restaurant. Now any agoraphobics reading will understand, the rest will wonder why. If you imagine going in a lift every day it's perfectly OK. Then one day it stops. Same place, different feeling. Put me in a pub and I can sit there for hours, as I can leave. Put me in a restaurant, turn the lights down and make me wait, and wait, and when I've eaten wait for everyone else to finish? Fuck off! A Chinkie when we're the only people there is tolerable, as are any cafes or fast food/self service outlets, but a sit down waiter service is torture especially if crowded. But meeting huge local celebrities as an almost equal, my career could be stepped up and make some vital contacts at last. I've considered turning up late with an excuse and will see how I feel on the night. How many chances do you get like this? A cheese and wine is ideal as it's like a pub but with nowhere to sit. No idea why unless they haven't got enough space if they have seating as well?

I really need some help now, the book says we make the starts then the universe continues, but there have to be actual projects to start and I can't even think of them. I have goals of course, but no ideas beyond what I've already done to reach them. I'm some way, professionally qualified, amateur writer, on TV worldwide if you can afford to pay to see it, and collected all my road signs. But getting the final level of getting regular work in the profession, paid to write and on free TV is a much higher level and the ultimate one very few reach. They all start the same way but most fall off before the last step. I'd say the TV was the most likely as besides being on the books already there's a tiny chance every cable programme could go national if someone decides it's suitable, I don't think many do but one way without even making any more. And you meet a lot more people if working in the media, I know that will work in every other way for me. Till then it's the same bloody routine, much worse in the dark for most of the day.

Obama, the antichrist?

If the energy around me changed when I went to the sign which wasn't there, it has to change again. I was at a loss when I picked up a book that said the first step has to be by us, then the universe follows. All I did last time was spend a few hours looking for old road signs, I don't quite know where to start now. At least the momentum of global warming lies is speeding up now, two more scandals broke today with the Himalayan glacier data being based on one single comment in a conversation. Then the IPCC top climatologist turned out to be a railway engineer with an economics PhD and owns the companies getting their 10 million plus grants. When the hell will people get it? Do they have to see Al Gore burning babies to raise the temperature before they realise it's the biggest crock of shit since the Iraq war? If anything will biblically divide the world population in a way Jehovah's witnesses imagine then those who are the last believers to remain would be the ones I'd see getting it. Having the stupidity in the face of evidence that could have put Al Capone away on more than just tax evasion and pretending the case hasn't changed one bit are more than just stupid, they're bloody dangerous.

Without the sheep the wolves can't carry out their plans. Once the plan starts to fail one by one the sheep, on a linear scale, fall off the bandwagon. But so many are still there, and the foundation of their story, that CO2 is making the planet warmer, have been based on what literally (not figuratively) happens in a greenhouse. Now a greenhouse has windows, a stable climate and measurable effects. Take the equivalent CO2 to a planetary size, remove the windows, bring in wind, cosmic rays, volcanic eruptions, currents and jetstreams and suddenly there's a difference between doing your three times table and solving Fermat's last theorem. Except you can solve Fermat's last theorem. But the point is they assumed that when they measured a temperature rise and couldn't pin it down to the usual influences it had to be CO2. They haven't worked out how or why, just seen what they thought was a sort of correlation if you tried hard enough to make one.

Now the constellations are similar, randomly placed stars that look like animals and people, and the Aztecs sacrified people's hearts to keep it raining. If we want to be superstitious and appease the CO2 gods with money then we're no better than the Aztecs. And people are dying from famine by using the land for biofuels (subsidised unlike food) and restricting electricity and fuel for the poor. The new taxes will cost us more than the recession as if you don't rely on interest or an industry that can't ride a recession then it won't affect you. But record taxation can't be avoided unless you're the one collecting it (read Al Gore). Bernie Madoff fleeced greedy idiots who threw their cash at him hoping to make more without working for it. These new taxes affect all of us and the scale makes his pyramid scheme look like stealing dinner money. I'd say with all the new evidence being revealed those who still believe are gradually becoming like Nazi collaborators, those who tipped off the soldiers where the enemy were hiding in order to get some black market rations. If you don't speak against it you end up working for it. They've called us holocaust deniers (even though the holocaust happened before the present), and I'm happy to call them Nazi sympathisers, as since Hitler the evil bastards have had to become a lot more subtle as people can now see them coming otherwise.

I end with a repetition of my vote for Barack Obama as the likeliest candidate for the antichrist (except they will not be elected), as he has claimed (and been rewarded) to work for world peace, while supporting his predecessor (failed), Al Gore, with the combination of enthusiasm and power which can keep it going many times longer than without his interference. It was a dying cause when he was elected, and he single handedly became the biggest supporter (as the most powerful country in the world) meaning it will run (and steal) a lot longer than it could have without him. He may not get away with it as if more countries jump ship and he's left at the end he'll look like a twat and needs to suddenly find some crack in the argument and wriggle out before he becomes a passive war criminal. No guns, but economic wars are unwarranted sanctions. As I said, people will die while money for malaria and desalination projects are diverted to wind farms. This isn't a war against a country, it's against the world and as such by getting on it at the last gasp and leading from behind Obama has the most blood on his hands after the leader Gore, an appropriate name in the circumstances.

Maybe he's saving his birth certificate as a form of suicide pill if it all goes tits up?

Have things stopped?

Today's question: Do I expect too much? There is defnitely no connection between effort and success, so the idea that I no longer have the energy to put such effort in as I did 20-30 years ago means nothing. You don't find the right woman or win the lottery by effort, you just buy a ticket or bump into someone and the rest happens by itself. So after a rare short run of success last year, where a series of totally unconnected leads got me old signs unthought of, and many preceeded by dreams of the correct type and location, followed by reading the Celestine Prophecy presenting the whole scenario to me after I'd experienced it myself could do no more than raise anyone's expectations. Then after spending the hours waiting to check a sign on Google miles away was looking for more, found one on the doorstep which I did and then went to the other that night to find it had already gone the bubble appeared to burst.

So despite the workings of the prophecy, everything seems to be back to the normal ups and downs as before. I'm still psychic as I have been one way or another most of my life, but can't see the thread of direction aiming me towards any of my goals as I had. One possible answer is there aren't any more signs within my range, and if not can't get anything by looking. But I had a dream where I saw one on Flickr rather than on a road itself, and am searching now just in case. The Akashic Records, the store of all information, is like a huge universal memory. We open our third eyes, ask for an item and wait for the answer. As we're not machines and have our five other senses going on as well then we can't get much of a reliable answer compared to a computer, but clear enough when it works.
So I've hit the plateau for now, I've collected what I have but other projects have stalled, each and every one. The women I've found online recently have unanimously avoided me so no progress there, and all the media stuff is on ice just as I was for the last few weeks.

At least I was finally able to go out as the snow melted today, and have more plans for the next trip whenever I get the chance. But they're all the usual mundane routine things, I know exactly the sort of things I'd like to be on their way, and even if effort was a factor I put in enough over the years with no reward it's stored up for when there is. I do see a very gradual creep in the global warming balance towards commonsense, and half is unavoidable simply because the predictions made some years ago are now meeting the years they predicted and not a single one corresponds. Not even with the engineered figures. Arctic summer ice has increased 26% from summer 2007 (they all said it was going to be gone within a decade, it'll have even more to melt first now), annual temperatures are not record highs as expected in 1998, far from them. In fact not a single thing any of them guessed corresponds with anything more than Al Gore's film scenario. If they were paid on performance some governments would be lining them up for a firing squad by now, let alone charging them for the variation from the reality.

I see no admission of guilt, not only would a reformed liar be in fear of his life but it would wreck the reputation of science for generations (it should be wrecked already if people had the sense to realise it), but a gradual acceptance maybe they'd been too enthusiastic, couldn't include all the factors (although every single one can be searched in seconds), and similar get out clauses which would basically imply it had been an inconvenient (good word that) diversion which they apologise for but were only doing their best at the time. I don't care how it blows out as long as it does. I can't afford the energy bills for a start, I don't want radiation threatening every single person on the planet (it travels in the wind as well as direct contamination), and want to see money spent on genuine causes currently being starved no less than when the aid packages are kept from the public in the third world. They are stealing the charity money from the blind box here, which is the most evil and cynical cruelty there is. Plenty of followers are not the thieves but the blind, and no different from the people who claimed Hitler was harmless before the war. They didn't do it but they didn't help. But every scientist and politician knows exactly what they're doing as unlike us they have free access to the raw data, and that simply says 'The climate is changing, and is different wherever you are and from how it was last year'. No shit Sherlock.

A summary already in 2010

Four inches last night, and that was only the snow. Work has been off as a result (well the appointment I was supposed to have anyway), as has been going anywhere besides the nearest shops. That'll be 8 more days tomorrow as it's not going anywhere before then. It seems in the snow when people can't go out they phone you instead, so whatever I may have done today the phone just kept going from start to finish. Not as if there was a lot else to do but won't know now.

I have however done one intuitive reading today simply as when you're doing telephone work it can come to you. It's part of shamanism and you simply put yourself where the other person is as an empath. I've been doing similar things since I started classes in 1991 and build up what I am able to do as and when it comes. There's little or no doubt when you do it either, you tune in and say how you feel as the other person. I must do it more now. It may even identify the only presentable woman within 20 miles who may be interested in me. I've been playing word drop which arrived a few days ago on Facebook, and suspect I've already reached my limits there but could play a lot more if it was possible to keep improving.

Otherwise nothing's apparently shifted, although what could actually shift now is another good question. The weather is clearly the likeliest, but besides that a few little trips are collecting till it does, one to Staples (wow!), the art gallery for the third attempt to get my money, and some photos in Hampstead. Of course I appreciate them all the more from having to wait, and did at least do an hour's work today on the phone which is paid just the same. I know I'm helping people, I also pushed a huge car out of the snow today as I had to do with my own last week, and the only help I currently need is someone to come over I can talk to. And that's a tall order. The previous visitors included the regular woman who moaned and whinged about her male and female friends and family for a couple of hours and buggered off, a previous regular who talked constantly from arrival till being dropped home many hours later which was only tolerated for the sex in between, and the rare little groups on high holydays (OK, new year and my birthday). Everyone else is a bonus, one dropped in as he returned home from a work placement, only to have a dodgy handbrake and see his car vanish at the bottom of the hill in two parked cars.

The people I visit dropped off suddenly when the main family left in 2002. I do little jobs for someone not too far away from time to time, see the elderly neighbour to hear (literally) her life history in chapters, can't see the other since his ex wife got an injunction banning him from the area after he divorced her, and all the others seem to have evaporated when people gradually moved further and further out so dropping in was all but impossible. If I was asked as well. So without any say in the matter besides my family I hardly ever visit anyone else, my father's neighbours occasionally when I go there, and that's about it. That contrasts with the 70s for instance, the years where I merged with seeing my own and my parents friends all over the area, and most were very posh indeed, million pound (at today's prices) houses, all professionals and many friends much higher status than my own family. I had a knack of meeting public school girls (although I did go myself for a while so not such a surprise) who were related to the ruling classes, I think it was only MPs (right to cabinet level mind you) rather than actual aristocracy, but I did know one woman who mixed with them and dropped names (ie The Queen etc) at any possible chance. The one I actually clicked with was worth millions even then and the main reason her mother banned me as a mere son of a judge as I didn't eat nicely. Her father was a fucking travel agent for god's sake, just a very successful one. In that case money talked louder than class.

I have seemed to drop the nostalgia for a while, I am fully aware of how good things could be then but am focusing more in the present now. I've also linked with some people from school days online as well which does help a bit even though the only one who did meet me was back from abroad for a couple of weeks. I see another at reunions but a bit too far to go and see although I know he's one of the only ones who would welcome me. Mind you he hadn't a clue who I was when I sent him the message, the only reason he knows me now is because I saw him recently although I remember everyone who was at every school in my years besides the nursery. I only remember about half of them. My memories haven't faded and remember walking past the hotel in Paris with my family in Christmas 1961, among many others of the hotel. And that memory helped me memorise cases and laws for three years at college as well as forcing me to become an amateur climatologist now, although I'd rather be a climaxologist or clitorologist. But beggars can't be choosers. If I must study weather patterns so be it.

Current status of climate change

The battle against our lives being wrecked by global warming taxes and billions thrown away on useless technology is turning each day. The new data against the ridiculous guesses of the studies based purely on some figures entered into a computer programme diverges from each one as we see the reality unfolding. The latest article saying oceanic oscillations drive about 50% of the climate every 30 years or so means something is already known to be more influential than CO2- why? Because the effects are here now. Not next year, 20 years or 50 ahead, it's been applied to the last four cycles and has happened totally independently from CO2 levels. Oversimplifying the most complex system of all, the one used to illustrate chaos theory, is a crime against science and its reputation. How long it will take to get its credibility back, and hopefully shake out some of the worst offendors who have done all they can to support regimes that steal our money in the name of a false cause.

If the warmists take it seriously then I have to. If they insist on doubling my gas bill then I take it seriously. If they waste our tax money (in a recession) on wind turbines I take it seriously. And most of all if our politicians get together in the UN and agree to lie to us I take it very seriously. I'd rather be talking about interesting things than spending hours reading and summarising articles, but unless a few people do then what'll happen? They'll assume we accept it and have barely any information not to. Until a scientist on their side comes out and admits they are wrong we won't have won, every other who says they are is discredited. They simply ignore the contradictory figures and aim at the messengers. If people finally get fed up with being ignored and patronised then one country at a time may jump ship as they realise it's better to be independent and let the others get on with it at their own expenses. So far only Saudi Arabia are 100% against accepting any actions on it, but maybe others may follow when their populations are pushed into poverty as a result of the new taxes we are all having to pay to be poured into the sea on alternative power, and into the pockets of the bankers in carbon credits. This is the one thing I will guarantee in 50 years, this will be known as the biggest scam in history, and I am embarrassed to be part of a society who dares to go along with it.

Waiting like an orange

While I read the paper or sit at the computer (no photos in the snow, they all look the same) I keep finding more technical data contradicting global warming- the sunspot lows have caused the upper atmosphere to cool, Arctic ice grew in the last 2 years during each summer, and more and more. Now how all this can coexist with the simplistic formula that our CO2 has done the job of a) warming beyond the natural and b) that's actually a bad thing beats me as to the total stupidity of some people in the face of all evidence. Especially as the third item said the measurements of CO2 had been so flawed in fact they were reabsorbed as they were created. I despair at the sheer impenetrable ego of so many people after they have clearly lost. But each day swings a little more to the truth.

Besides two bookings the time ahead is free but unknown. More snow started falling after it started melting today, so tomorrow could go either way. I doubt any photos will be taken somehow though. My rule of not caring about the days ahead, and planning for the next day at most does leave gaps until the time comes, and besides the usual ups and downs the guidance has been at the lowest level for a while now. If it's still leading me to a media break, woman and another old warning sign I can't see it yet. If it's still snowy this week the coursework will continue, something has to motivate me to keep doing it however pointless and sometimes expensive.

Last year was the first one when good things started arriving on their own more than every few years, but the downside is you start expecting it. It's all unreliable and the only reliable one is the women who dumped or turned you down in the past will never change. It would be so easy just to hook up again but even the few who didn't dump me aren't available. At 50 will I settle for attractive, harmless and braindead? I will have to see. Not being able to have a sensible conversation with someone is no different from having the cat around and that just isn't enough. A dull woman and a cat? Just two cats really. And someone to help with the housework, but I have one already I pay. Cooking? I manage already. It could be easy to take half full/empty but will always know it.

So maybe there's a reason the future is blanked out so far. It doesn't mean nothing decent will happen, just I don't know about it. The default however is space and if it doesn't then at best it will be space. Again when the weather breaks just walking around with the camera will be a relief, whatever I take just like all the others I've done before. I do sometimes feel all the effort I've put in to writing, communicating and helping people I ought to get more back, having an article published every year or so in something a few hundred people read, some promised photos in a book I'll have to pay to see, and top level media interviews that get nowhere won't make me a career in anything. Thank goodness I am qualified and experienced to produce the goods, but so can thousands of other hopefuls. They work somewhere for nothing or shag the editor. Being a man I would not do that for anything, I don't want those memories for the rest of my life. Bribery can work but I doubt I'd make a profit and probably get someone immune who calls the police. I'm not bent and won't get in that area as crime isn't the only way to succeed without contacts.

So it's currently dead as far as I can tell, will it stay or go?

Snowed in, day 2 (series 2)

Due to being snowed in for the second time in a month I've got a bit more time online than even usually. I managed to walk to the shops at least, the main roads are clear and everything else has 4 inches of snow with a layer of ice underneath. Yesterday wasn't too bad as I needed a rest, but today didn't need nothing happening. I scanned even more old photos online, watched the rest of my videos and washed up at last (6 visitors altogether so plenty to be done). And while we're indoors avoiding the weather the smug twats from the government are all over the TV and radio telling us not to stop believing in global warming. At least preachers are honest and believe what they're telling us.

So I'm running short of things to do, if I can get out tomorrow I will, as will the appointment booked to come to me first. This is when living alone really hits you as being able to go out at least changes the scenery and may ever speak to someone real as opposed to at a distance. Doing this becomes a challenge as well, but if I want to end up as a writer then it's good training. So looking at my plans, not one has yet to materialise. I was 100% right about the timing of the book, no publisher I've ever come across can get anything but the most major issue out on time, the rest just hang about as a final afterthought. Just don't try and pretend there is a planned date and no one will be disappointed. TV programmes are just the same which I am well aware of. Except the twit who said January, and told me a few days after it was on on the 2nd. Either way they usually manage to get it wrong.

I am learning not to look more than a day ahead, but still have hopes without actually trying to set them up. There's the trip to the sign in Surrey if there, otherwise pretty unknown, the Facebook count is now 1/7 from the messages which is just the bare minimum above sod all of course. I really am doing my best, but although it has got me through this far would really like a bit more than just getting through. The online party which is the latest edition of Facebook (it didn't used to look like that) is great as it goes, but as some really are friends wonder how with each living in extending rings from here why I may only have seen about three of them in the last couple of years? Some are back from the past and not quite all have gone to America or Australia (why the fuck would anyone want to live in a warmer but less civilised clone of Britain anyway?) but no sign of actually meeting any again besides one who came back for a quick visit from almost as far away as that.

I also believe it's not unreasonable to get a little more recognition for my efforts. Even though they are all driven by personal interest doesn't mean because I'm not suffering for the results they are worth any less. Looking online I have easily the biggest collection of old direction signs in Britain, despite starting the photos 45 years after they stopped using them. My research into global warming is probably as much as any of the a-holes paid more per year than I've earned my whole lifetime, and all I get for that is insults besides a few allies here. The simple message there is I am trying to help. None of the sods telling you not to drive or fly care one bit about you, they just want to tell people what to do. I have the time and communication skills to discover and share what may actually allow people to escape these chains if enough start to see the light.
And as for the self satisfied bastards I used to go to school with, crowing on their profiles about their jobs, wives and children as they frequently flee the countries of their birth for some flyblown outpost, and can't even be bothered to reply to a message after choosing to go on an old school site then I really don't know how much more I can do.

So I hope for a little more, I believe I deserve it, and expect absolutely none of it.

All about climate

Life is still happening at least, yesterday went smoothly with no one in front of me at either the bank or the money exchange, after the work booking and still managed to get there before it closed. Snow was again predicted, I picked my friends up at 8 just after it started, and got them back at 10.30 after a reunion with one twin sister after 9 years as she moved to America. Then the snow continued till about 3pm today and haven't opened the front door since last night.

I have however managed to find loads more photos to scan in, started watching my videos and had little time to do much else. I have the filing, postal course and washing up to follow as this may last another week yet again. It's a lot deeper than December although not icy so far, which was the real bugger. So my projects are literally on ice, none have replied and somehow suspect none will, besides one on Facebook (my old English teacher) making that a 1/7 score, better than it could have been. The actress who wanted my DVD should reply sooner or later as she needs it, but really hope I can deliver it in person. Since the last road sign I went to check for had gone (and one of the best I could have found) nothing else has really happened of any interest, a few little things have turned up from existing photos and seen a few people and that's about it.
Because things seemed to be building up to more it became a disaster waiting to happen I suppose. Although I am now the contented owner of a photo of an old red triangle sign with no damage at last (after literally missing 1.5 million before they all went) I still need a picture type one, and even then will need something new to keep me occupied when that project comes to an end.

My new stats here show about 10 new and 2-4 existing visitors a day, which seems to imply a constant stream of arrivals but few regulars. I'm a regular as well, as most bloggers except a few on my links give up within a year or so, although life does not. And it doesn't cost anything so can't see why anyone would stop. Having a regular partner would make no difference as most bloggers I know do as well, and something extra to write about. I have no idea where and if my next good news or event will come from, but tomorrow should be fine and just having no more demands on me is a good place to start from.

More figures are being supplied from higher and higher authorities denying global warming (thank you Roger) and sooner or later the powers that be will have to explain why. I know why, because it's a little scam that got out of hand and too difficult to wriggle out without looking like the total slimy lying bunch of crooks they actually are. Those of us who have stood our ground will be the ones with integrity as there are a few leaders and millions of innocent but naive (at best) followers who leave the door open to let the wolves and foxes steal their property, much like Toad in the Wind in the Willows. How your average bloke/woman can assume what they are told 'must be true' beats me every time. Anyone who's done history even to O level knows what propaganda is, and it's all the same format worldwide. There's a list of tactics, and actually created by an advertising bod, borrowed by Hitler and perfected by the Soviet Union, who renamed it 'Public Relations'. It's actually 'Truth Economy' as specialises in spreading a very different view of truth to reality.

I do suspect there are hired trolls online to spread the party line in forums, as the identical quotes they churn out are too similar to be independent, and the veracity of the links they present are all about how to cope with climate change (ie tax people, make sure they run out of fossil fuel as fast as possible, and use the most expensive or dangerous ways to generate the little energy we will be allowed) than any that's actually happening. It's like researching a treatment for an illness that doesn't exist, with all the scientists and companies beavering away with our money subsidising them to make fairy water to get rid of the illness of wandering minds and imagination. Except carbon credits make money from that very fairy water, Bernie Madoff was sacrificed for doing the very thing, not because it was different, but he forgot to name his scheme 'Carbon' anything.

If I, for example, was to name this 'David's carbon blog' I'd be offered grants and advice how to present it, and probably get readers in the hundreds per day rather than the handfuls. The fact nearly all life on earth depends on carbon, is made of carbon and stops us from freezing seems to be overlooked by the insidious crooks like Obama (he has the mark of Cain now he's joined the enemy), who would be happy to extract it all and drop the temperatures to minus. Basically they would not just be bent if they did but totally fucking mad. Tweaking the climate is marginally possible, with about a million times more effort put in than the very dubious results. The Russians have been seeding the atmosphere with all sorts of elective pollution for decades with sod all success, and these arseholes say they can stop the temperature rising more than 2 degrees? Well as it wasn't going to they can't lose but if even one believes they could they should be certified. It's the biggest heap of lying shit I've heard since the Chinese tried to cover up Tiananmen Square.

Anyway, if you read the carbon pages in the papers and online you'd believe that a small rise in CO2 simply insulates the planet so the warmth can't escape as much. But if the details of how they both gather and present the information were shared by more than 1% in comparison most people would fall about laughing. But the inherent faith in authority and fear of chaos are enough to keep the sheep baaing and helping them by teaching poor innocent schoolchildren too young to be critical to talk about fucking carbon footprints. There is no such thing! We make urine and faeces and a discrete amount of rubbish. You can weigh that weekly like the Austrians (check their toilets if you don't believe me) but carbon footprints? And even if you could so what? Experiments by a proper university showed that as CO2 increased so did the plants in their own greenhouses, and that was it. Unlike humans, plants grow more or less indefinitely to a maximum limit, and the more CO2 within the sort of amounts we can produce means the rain forests they destroy can grow where still present.
All crops will increase yields, and if there really was a connection with temperature that would increase them even further. Basically a few degrees more would help everyone as the few made homeless would have a very long time to move, as they have before planes and trains could help them do it. The south Pacific for example have been shipping people back and forth for millennia as islands grew and shrunk as so low to sea level. They didn't need Al Gore selling flags for them. QED.

Run out of petrol?

Back already? I'm taking an early night, done all my other internet business, and have a work booking and two banking trips tomorrow before visitors in the evening. So I need the time to do it and not have to rush around like a maniac if possible. And do my own accounts afterwards. I've been watching the guidance since it started what is now last year. It seems to have stalled for a bit, but the one thing that has come out is although I could feel bad stuff around all my living memory, this is the first time I can do the same for good. The phases have not gone away, but they are energy bands and randomly distributed between heaven and hell.
My other projects have equally stalled, including the latest 3 messages on Facebook, appearing to put the latest total 7/7 who haven't replied. And not all women which isn't quite as surprising.

As no one there seems to have found my blog (and it can't really be worked out if they had) there is one there who is around and what I would call major partner material in every aspect. Someone else's of course but probably my most reliable follower there. The one who doesn't follow me seems to have become quite a hard bitch since school and probably besides her angelic looks and intelligence isn't quite the catch she could have been back then. Other than those two there's one who's now more of a friend, and I can't remember any other outstanding ones, mainly as they hadn't replied when I messaged them, although they were all married otherwise. How much these women have changed in getting on for 40 years can only be judged at a distance, but see who I remember and more or less how it's become. The fact half the people I know have either had affairs or tried to tells me being married isn't all it's meant to be, and any cracks present just need a suitable alternative for everything to go west in the vow department. But the equivalent of winning the 6 numbers rather than the 5 I think for a normal relationship. Many times harder.

I've certainly found the people I have been in touch with since then without a huge gap have hardly changed, so why the others could have is less likely than just an older and possibly wiser version. The supply of suitable people full stop is almost down to a prostatic dribble in the last 10 years or more, so natural to try and revive any I knew enough about to see again. But till then it's the same routine anyone not choosing to live alone will have, find what can be done and do it every day unless anything better comes along. Walking, shopping, taking photos, going out on my bike, writing, and seeing family and friends if any friends are ever available. None of my projects have done anything although probably most involved are only just back at work. Possibilities are only just that, we can take an exam but never pass it, and in my case nowadays make a request or offer free material and neither be accepted. But novelists are a good example, writing the novel is not something many people can do properly, and the fact they are constantly rejected means nothing if good quality, as sooner or later one is accepted and that's it. Same with TV thank goodness and although my writing is non-fiction that is planned next. People suddenly start arriving socially when you're doing something in the media, so business does lead to pleasure there unlike every other job I've had.

So of course, as Nick my teacher says, when you're of the world then the highs fall and you're back in the lows, as that's all there is. But until I'm enlightened that's all I do have so can only watch it and see how it is now acting like a thinking entity rather than a random mess as it was till recently. Plenty of mess still but not so random.

The politically correct shall burn in hell

As my teacher says the problem with highs is they stop. You go up so you come down, and the longer you're up the more you get used to it and notice the difference. I'm still in energy phases though, suddenly everyone wants to visit. I don't mind normally but these are not just in little groups but successive days. Always the same and must be a message there but won't know till they've been.
Otherwise I'm still finding art deco houses to take and prove very popular. Plus the recent ones don't seem to have been online before, and though books exist Streetview got me the latest today. I still search in case there are any old signs left despite covering a 60 mile area, and the only one I expect to get is 40 miles away but can't check till the place opens next week that had it on their entrance.

I am easily bored, in the past I only had TV and the phone, then CB radio, and collecting. Now I have the internet which doesn't have limited channels and can create as well as watch, just like I always wanted to when watching pop groups on stage. I hate being in a crowd, but unlike most people love being in front of one. TV is one way, and going on stage the other. I've never done that since I was 13 and then just another of Fagin's boys in Oliver, with exams taking my life over for the next 11 years with small cabaret performances in front of a handful of people on the occasional weekend or holiday. So I'm currently finding the good in the smallest things, which you have to in the gaps. Besides sorting out two earlier sign photos Mike Allen was back on a phone in after maybe 10 plus years in the wilderness. I only heard about half an hour as heard him by chance but probably missed two shows. I hope that means a return when required.

Other than that it's going for walks, shopping and the usual photos when it's dry. The photo book hasn't materialised as predicted, despite aiming for last year. This year at all will be very nice. My latest Marks and Spencer vouchers mean more trips to Temple Fortune and trawl the charity shops and maybe see someone I went to school with (usually the same one, blanked me last time). Tomorrow is a mystery, my guess will be a short shopping trip and a few photos desperately searched for in places I've been to many times before, followed by very little TV (plus Big Brother for a few weeks from tonight). That is the basic skeleton and any more will be a bonus.
Three more Facebook messages have been sent, one to someone from school, one to an old teacher and another someone from school I wanted to know where they took their photo as could have been a neigbour. No replies. If they all don't that'll be 7/7 so my memory is clearly not a good one for many. I've always made toilet jokes, been as politically incorrect as it's possible to be (I'm fairly careful here as could get even more death threats otherwise), and said it how it is. Many people don't like that and act as if the truth can burn them so cover up using a blanket of lies and denial.

Well sorry guys, Muslims make up 99% of terrorists, black people commit more violent crimes in Britain than anyone else, politicians lie as the norm and are as dishonest as many criminals, women approach men a hundred times less than vice versa, and use sex for blackmail. Only poor people and epileptics use public transport, everyone who criticises Israel hates Jews (do they ever criticise China, Cuba, Rwanda, Sudan, Zimbabwe etc? Nope), Al Gore may be the biggest crook of this 21st century, overpopulation is the biggest threat to civilisation, immigrants do not fit in unless from a similar culture (the same goes for Brits abroad of course), anyone offering to save you money (or give it to you) is a crook, borrowing (except for houses) is for losers, if you build on low land expect to get flooded, people driving with mobile phones should get one warning and have their hand cut off if caught again, farts are funny and never lend anyone money outside your immediate family.

How many newspaper reporters let alone politicians would dare to say even one of those? I reckon maybe Lembit Opik with farts are funny, and that's about it. That's why I have to instead. Method in my madness.

Only the number's changed?

I'll start with my decided plan for this decade, to make a living as a writer somehow. 10 years plus both practising on the internet and writing essays and articles on therapy have prepared me both to write on my own topics and many suggested. I'll probably need the contact on the net as the conventional media need an Oxbridge degree or some type of family connection or gay action before they employ you, so I'll need to work at the ground level and offer my services around virtually to start with.

Back to the present out of about 8 people possible three arrived last night which was better really as allowed time and space for everyone and didn't use up all the food. Nice egg, cheese and salami sandwiches for a week now. Today was freezing but sunny so went to Hampstead Heath and walked around taking architectural features around the edge. Back online many people seemed to have done the same thing, it's the obvious place to go for anyone within a few miles and usually bring the camera as well. There was also a car show at the Ace Cafe in Neasden which I discovered too late but hopefully another next year. And if they also have fireworks in Hampstead Garden Suburb next new year I'm doing that instead.

I am still attempting the possibly final ever contact with the distant ex who blew me out after 35 years occasional calls. The home phone has gone, which I knew was possible, and have to keep trying the mobile now. No other plans really, besides taking some more art deco houses on Sunday and the rest will unfold when it comes. Half our lives happen despite our plans, and can be better than anything we could think up, so no need to rely on our own resources. I've seen how people can get power and status simply by persistence, either by joining a group and working their way up (never my way) or following an interest fully to the exclusion of everything else (my own way). It's more hit and miss as working alone and no organisation to know who you are, but once someone does notice you then you can become used. I forgot other routes as my own was the official get qualified and then get work, but so is just about everyone else so too much competition just by passing the exams. Then you need to add the persistence or you get dropped and sidelined.

It's worked already for my ufo investigations, and now needs to extend to other areas to stop the career coming to a halt. Besides that I've got a new trick that seems to be happening a lot more now, when a presenter on the radio is about to say where a caller or person is from I say it before they do as if I know it as well. They say 'and now John from' and pause and I say the word before they do. It comes quite automatically and naturally and probably a result of years of meditation. That's what it can do for you and only becoming part of the radio signal. I hope this extends and increases over time as it also shows others it's possible if anyone's there when you do it (very rare in my case but one day).
Has anything changed? Not a clue. But I'll end with a quote that sums up my own work in the last few years I got on Facebook:

January 2010 "Loss of basic freedoms has spurred a mass awakening and the next decade will be defined by a restoration of liberties"