Publishing plans

I just sent a selection from my blog to my first magazine of possibly (God forbid) hundreds. My next project, which has been suggested many times, is to capitalise on my disastrous past with women and write a complete history of my love life.

I will begin here with a summary of every girlfriend/potential girlfriend and how it went wrong (yes, I still have a 100% record on that one...). To make things easier, I'll / tick each one I liked, to see how those went far worse than the ordinary ones or worse.

1) Melissa/ 1st girlfriend, taught me a lot. Firstly, you have to have something to talk about 'after' as well. Secondly, don't chuck anyone nice just because they're boring (unless you've met someone else). I did that, realised what I'd done, and called her back the next day, too late. Big boo-boo.

2) Linda// (she gets an extra tick, believe me). Met on holiday, took out once, scared her off sadly.

3) Liz C. Met on holiday because her friend I liked was already with someone. Invited me to stay with her in England, on arrival found she had a boyfriend.

4) Alison. Nice enough but nothing special

5) Suzanne. First and last girlfriend I ever argued with. Turned out she was having psychiatric treatment which explained everything. Started a trend for the future…

6) Amarylla/ Bad start. First date, her party, she was with someone else. She became a good friend till she got engaged years later, but I never was her standard.

7) Vivienne/ Only mutual relationship of my life. As soon as it was about to get interesting, I brought her home late and her mother stopped her seeing me. Downhill ever since.

8) Judy D. Oh my god, this was the really boring compared to Melissa who wasn't really bad at all. One date was more than enough

9) Caron/ All I can say is I would have had far more luck with her mother, who was a darling.

10) Lorna/ The original local tart. I was one of many, from what I could tell. Couldn't keep her attention very long as a result.

11) Tracy. Her father was straight from Harry Enfield complete with vest and huge belly. One date only.

12) Cheryl. Nothing special, we probably ended up boring each other

13) Pauline/ What a picture. Nothing else, but what a view!

14) Janet K. The most loyal one of the lot. Pity she had little else going for her. I then met

15) Janet W/ Who I swapped her for. A fiery communist (still) who I embarrassed myself totally with and put her off.

16) Ann/ Actually said she did me a favour to go out with me.

17) Helene/ Too in love with herself to have any room for a man as well. And French...

18) Anita. Good relationship (for a change) though she couldn't survive with only one man at a time. Ran its course.

19) Jane/ Met while Anita was chasing someone else at a party. Top drawer aristo, but bored with me after one date.

20) Sally. Another average job, port in a storm etc. Lovely house though...

21) Lucy. See 'Judy D' above

22) Jessica. Lovely girl, but talked from the minute we left the cinema till I got her home, about all her friends I didn't know. I couldn't take any more.

23) Georgina. Very similar to Cheryl, dull as they come, she probably decided I was too highly sexed for her as by then I'd developed enough patience not to chuck anyone for just being dull.

24) Kathy/ American beauty, daughter of a diplomat. I could never reach her requirements.

25) Donna/ Canadian, non-diplomat, from a council estate on a temporary visit here. Mine was even shorter sadly.

26) Liz/ Second best of the lot (after Vivienne, as though Linda got //, Vivienne had the personality as well and it could have lasted a very long time). I learnt how to analyse relationships from her, as when we simultaneously got fed up after a while, I couldn't understand why as I thought she was perfect. But after running through everything found she had no sense of humour.

27) Jan. My major conquest, as she was nearly 5' 10'', but other than that, nothing special. She got bored first though.

28) Linda. A Not bad at all but she didn't share my enthusiasm.

29) Antonia. Probably saw me more as a rather annoying friend. Looked a bit masculine, so I survived the rejection.

30) Lisa. Half witted but hot. Sadly lived in Essex, and my degree didn't allow me enough time to keep going there so she had to go.

31) Sandra. Another zombie. One date was it.

32) Helen L. A bit of a b. Thought I was a neurotic social cripple, good luck to her.

33) Rose. Possibly from another planet. Fell in love with me, but as she wouldn't 'do anything', and was weird, had to go.

34) Clare. Was the sister of an earlier effort (no names) and as she showed more interest, I stayed with her till someone else mentioned something about marriage, and I realised the idea wasn't very inviting.

35)Laura . Was local. A good start, and little else...

36) Charmaine/ What we call in North London a 'real shikser broch'. True working class, provincial crumpet, but wasn't prepared to share it with me. Lived 70 miles away, which didn't help either.

37) Carol/ No personality, but everything else. Didn't share it with me either.

38) Jill. Convenient rather than interesting, I got a wee bit ahead of myself and put her off. No loss.

39) Caroline. She wanted a serious relationship, but there wasn't enough there for me. Good friend though.

40) Karin. The German au pair. Simple country girl with no brains and no looks. Of course something kept me going out with her for a while, at least.

41) Jane. Not my idea, believe me.

42) Beryl. Yes, she really was called Beryl! Said she was a few years older than me but looked a lot more. Nothing in common.

43) Julia. Overweight sex maniac. As soon as I met her her son moved back home and distracted her from anything else. No great loss.

44) Carole. Lived a long way away, she proposed, stayed here for a while to see what happened, realised it wasn't a going concern and decided against it.

45) Sarah// Only other one to get two ticks, but two timed me from day one until the first man won. Mad as a box of frogs.

46) Suzanne. Another slow one, bossy as hell, I had to pack her in when my sanity was running out.

47, 48 and 49. As these are too current, I can only give a summary to protect the living. 44, no, 45 was only in the country for a week, and that's it up till today. There were many more I went out with as well but didn't qualify for the main list (someone's now asking "how do you do that?"). I think the Americans call it 'first base'. There are some on that list who deserve a mention to better illustrate my dismal results.

Aviva/ I met her at a party and was bowled over. When I went to her house I noticed how bare it was. She said 'I'm going away on Wednesday' I said how long for? The house was bare as it was for sale, as they'd already bought a new one, 2000 miles away.

Anna/ Split up with her boyfriend and found we were working in the same parade, as I'd known her for years when she was still taken. Within days he claimed her back, of course, before anything 'happened'.

Christine/ My mistake. Met on holiday, but I was approached by someone I'd already had my eye on so sadly couldn't juggle the two. Ten years later turned out someone I met knew her, and gave me her number. Amazingly, she still seemed to like me. I was still pretty young and naive, and decided she lived too far to make the effort (about 40 miles away). She probably turned out to be the second best one I missed out on after Vivienne.

Pam/ Like Carol, looks in bunches, but dead as a blow-up doll. As she lived 80 miles away was doomed from the start.

Sarah2. I met her when with Sarah1, and apart from a nasal problem (possibly up for a world record) was a much nicer person and prospect. I saw her once after Sarah 1 had ran off, and made such an arse of myself she wouldn't speak to me again. I think the reaction was totally out of proportion considering I had known her for some time already.

and finally, last and not least, the major b. from page one of my blog. I believe it may have been set up in advance, as she said she liked me, which prompted me to say I liked her, then she withdrew it the next day (claiming she never said it as well) and make me look like a total wanker. I feel sorry for anyone who has to bother to go that low, or at least do it without thinking, and if there is a hell, unless she pulls her socks up, she's going there!

Some names have been changed to protect the innocent. Others may be guilty so can get stuffed.