Sunday, August 31, 2008

Like a vacuum

The way you turn on clairvoyance is to clear your mind after tuning in to your subject and seeing what comes in. And there are many times I have to do that here, and whatever the quality something always comes in, as I wouldn't want to do an entry unless there was a reason, even if there was nothing known at the time.
So, what is there today? I am definitely in a phase as if it's being created by someone. It's the 'Just about OK but absolutely nothing' one that's been going on a few weeks now. My friend in Africa has got me meditating again and will continue to do so now as I've been picked up on it. No point wasting the gift.

Otherwise all is unknown. Obvious maybe but not certain. The inertia principle means little will change as however things are now is how they tend to continue, and no actual reasons why it should. I have new photographic trips over old ground for my bus and postcode groups, and always see new things wherever I go each time. I may even go to Watford if they still need the station. That has been the height of excitement now for weeks. Going to silly places to get photos. Edmonton, Walthamstow, Stockwell. I'd never have gone there again in my life otherwise I expect. Bus trips ahead include Merton, Brentford and Mortlake.
I have been given the details of someone who can do postcards a third of the price of the existing ones, although they are superior quality most shops want all postcards to be under 50p regardless.
I left a message with the TV producer last week to see if the contracts were any closer to being resolved, but of course no call back. They never have there in over 2 years, but when I posted a question about the programme on a TV forum they called me within days. It shows these guys really don't give a shit but if you tread on their toes they leap into action instantly. But this time the problem isn't their fault, but they still only call when they want you and never vice versa.

I'm saying prayers for the dead for my stillborn newspaper article. Most successful people in the media needed a big break, and so many like me had a chance which was binned and may never get another. I've had more hits on the programme excerpt now I got on Youtube than some of my programmes did over here.
Another interesting thing is how so many of the most intelligent and interesting people I know on the internet have chronic health problems. Sometimes it's as if they are forced out of a conventional life and into a creative one and some I know for sure would never have had the chance had their health been OK. But why can't they do it and not have to suffer to have to stop working first?

So, a mystery with a skeleton of trips to the usual variety of suburbs, and likely no more than that. I know having postcards in a few shops with my name on the back won't get me into any position in the media, but if it gets me even one commission will be a bonus. I'm in two minds whether to call the final remaining woman, as she always calls me if she wants to see me. I'd simply be putting a finger in the fire and get burnt out of sheer boredom and curiosity. I was thinking who else I could dig up for a regular seeing to, as my last standby found someone else the end of last year and there were no more sources after that.
I know one certainty as she'd been sending messages for a while, who was in a home for the not-all-there and bossy as hell. She wouldn't be happy with a weekly visit, it would be all or nothing and as she drove me mad at the time I couldn't have that again. Another left London ages ago and was no real pleasure when available, another is 200 miles away and trouble, and the last has so many problems I could never consider it again, plus that would be an all or nothing job as well rather than the weekly supply.

But as finding someone new is now something that only happens every few years at my sort of age, I'm 1000 times more likely finding an ex who is single than a needle in a haystack. It's already worked for someone else I know, he spent months looking for a new one and was back with the old within days. It's the difference between building a house and doing up an old one.
The only other time I remember putting an official effort to meet someone new was in 2000 for the millennium, and that took me 2 years. I did score a double in a couple of days, which is typical for me, the success phase seems to happen independently in all areas, and all my work clients come and go in bunches of a few at a time. That does imply we act as aerials sending out signals for each area and either attracting or repelling them like magnets. No ideas how but it's been the same as long as I can remember.

But now I need my break, in business and pleasure. Business would be one of the existing projects to happen or an equally good new one, and pleasure is bleeding obvious really. I did spend a while organising a singles night at the gym a couple of years ago only for the committee to cancel it after the staff wanted it to go on. The place was creaking with the weight of women, some must have been single but when you're in a gym you don't stop and ask them. Besides the crap music being on full volume men speak to men and women keep to themselves there. And probably across Britain as that's the way on thousands of buses, station platforms, shops, and every other public area, where everyone sees the same people day after day and carefully pretends they can't see them. I took the bus for 7 years to school and the same people waited at the stop most of the time and never knew who any of them were. I still saw a few walking around years later but all acted the way they did the first day I saw them. In a country without a heart how's anyone expected to do any better?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Psychiatric thoughts

Having spoken to another member of my meditation group last week was inspired to return to that path, and am now hopefully going to do it more often and as a result have to rely (which can't be done) a lot less on the world outside and more in the inner. Of course everyone who takes drugs knows you can feel better by tweaking things, but they do it by changing body chemistry directly which is like putting piss in your petrol tank. If they knew about meditation first and tried it many would do that, as some do on the drugs programme by my group. But the point is there are ways we can feel better and meditation is the only one that's safe. I suppose in India, where my guru comes from, this is like telling your grandma to suck eggs (you blow them, how many people knew that?), but over here in the west most people think it's weird and then erode their organs and mind with drugs for the same purpose.

Now whether the course I took means the lectures are as important as the methods is known more by the teachers than the students, but it's what he found was better when he tried both ways. Otherwise he'd just tell the world what to do, and no doubt most would either ignore it or give up after a few days. People do say sitting down for an hour a time is a lot, but we don't think so. It's the same biblical seeking the kingdom of God, then all else will be revealed, but the church have done their best to obscure that message so most followers haven't a clue what it means.

Meanwhile the outside world has been reliable in its misery. The word is tolerable. Everything's just OK, but nothing's good. No people, no work of any sort and no decent news. I just spoke to my neighbour who confirmed the unnatural position of living alone, as the first thing she said was how tough it is doing everything in a house yourself with no one to share the tasks or companionship. If certain people think I'm weird this is more or less why. It's far better to talk to a screen than talk to yourself so that's what I do. And being an only child with working parents at the time the weirdness began very early. I was put in front of a TV much of the time and left to my own devices. Or farmed out to a nanny or babysitters. No company of my own age when I wasn't seeing my friends, so I got involved with my parent's friends as soon as I could hold a conversation. Some resented it and others included me, but it meant I never really socialised with anyone in my own generation on a continuous basis.

As for the psychology, my parents had the Dr Spock book, it was one of the first I read, and followed by as many medical and then psychiatry books I could get hold of. By 13 I had a full student library and only switched from the body to the mind when I had to visit my friend in hospital. Then I found friends started telling me their problems and I knew the answers, and they were sorted out in one long phone call most times. I thought I'd like to get paid for this. Years later I started my counselling course, and went to a clairvoyant on the way home once. She said 'You're involved in healing people' as soon as I walked in, and then went on to describe a German doctor who was my spirit guide, exactly the same sort of character I thought of helping me when I was in trouble.

Here I'm allowed to be free and take the piss, as when working we can't (although at times we'd all like to), so I let it go here. I've seen others who do exactly the same via the links, and why not? But besides being mixed up, as most clients are, a few people are just nasty. They won't be going for counselling as they cause others to need it, and some of my clients suffer such as partners, parents and bullies at work. I can pick it up pretty quickly and they now call it 'personality disorder', which is a mild and incurable form of psychopathy. Anyone diagnosed as such is left to one side as they believe it's innate, although some can learn sooner or later through life experience rather than any outside help. The internet lets me loosen up and them spread their hate as wide as they can, so inevitably we'll come across them here as Youtube comment lists display perfectly. I said minority but looking at the almost identical comments there on nearly every video, good or bad, does make me wonder if we really have a demonic issue here. Bear with me, I sometimes work with schizophrenics, and the expectation of delusion is their random nature. But they aren't. They share a small common group of scenarios and the voices tend to say exactly the same things the comments do on youtube.

There are a few possible roots to this, and telepathy is one. Like mediums claim to contact the dead, I say they contact the living and search their memories without them knowing it. If psychopaths can transmit their thoughts to susceptible people (as my friend insists 30 years later since she says it started) then maybe the hate isn't just direct but transmitted universally. Their drugs drop their sensitivity down to near normal, but maybe the fact most share common messages and delusions it isn't such a random mania as the books claim. Psychiatrists don't listen to what the voices say as they dismiss them en masse, but when you do the similarities are unavoidable. It is just like posession, but by the living, and not even known by the ones sending it. OK, this is just one theory, but the fact I now read comments all over youtube and elsewhere that are straight from the minds of the worst paranoids, it amy lend some more support to a common source of evil thought that affects victims both physically and spiritually.
I hypnotise sufferers to send the voices away or if not turn down the volume the way the drugs do, and it usually works. But now, because they are free to say it unchallenged, I hear exactly the same filth sufferers hear all day long sometimes here. And it is so similar wherever I go it's just as if it's coming from ultimately a single source.
I may escape through meditation but we need a lot more to stop it spreading generally. It's not a nice trend and I also used to see it as a teacher and youth worker, and if one child has it half the others will follow. And it certainly wasn't like that 20 years earlier.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A bit of everything

A wee bit random today, but only reflects life at the moment. Firstly as I didn't intend doing a PhD in Meatloaf I certainly wasn't expecting such a hoohah over what was clearly an almost universal trap I'd fallen into, even predicted before the song was released. And the fact it reminds me so much of 'Everything I own' it's even harder to mentally separate the details.
I also see on the other side of the water Barack Obama has chosen someone called Biden (I will admit to not even knowing GW Bush's VP) whose name is only one letter away from Bidet to join Obama's being one from Osama. At least he avoided senators Conksucker and Blitoris anyway. But among all the criticisms of America it's one of the best countries I know with the nicest people. So they can't be doing so much wrong.

I am in posession of two of what I consider to be the best ways to detach myself from the influence of outside conditions. One being knowledge, which is considered by most on the course to be the best known route, and also the active method offered by Nick Roach which is totally public and simply involves being aware of where you are and what you are feeling, as often as possible. I learnt knowledge in 1997 and saw Nick in 2004, and despite following him fairly consistently since haven't seen much come from his method, although I still believe it to be the best and simplest route to enlightenment without the slightest need to understand what's going on as well. It transcends the mind and the rest of his teaching is to show you why if you want to know before you do it.

I did see in today's horoscope though (just for fun) that something you are doing may be like loosening the top of a jar so it seems all the effort is going nowhere (as it does) but then it may pop off 'suddenly' but really as all the work going in has silently built up. I can only hope so.

It did occur to me as well to say my philosophy here comes from my own efforts to make sense of the world to save myself from being caught in all the traps. One by one I see new areas and when I mention them here I am fully aware they seem obvious to some and like revelations to others. Of course what is obvious to one person is a mystery to another as we all see in different ways so have to share it all, or you can go through life and miss the best bits you can't work out yourself. I'd be happy to keep all of these discoveries to myself (besides my paying clients) as I get nothing back from sharing them, but do see it as a complete waste to find something out you literally 'own' (as you worked it out yourself) and not share it. The fact many other people already know doesn't stop the ones who don't from benefitting. I am also interested in philosophy but do it far more just for survival purposes.

I am now praying my HTML works as I don't want to spend ages trying to sort it out at bedtime.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Hope has flown

What would I do without the internet? I was just looking up what Meatloaf was referring to do anything for love for, except 'that' when Wikipedia explained if you listen to all the words each verse was explaining what he would and wouldn't do except like nearly everyone else on earth, I've never been able to catch them. But now I know. And I always thought he meant anal sex. I wouldn't do that anyway. Not even for money.

Today was the first I couldn't even plan ahead as I'd wrung out the rag of ideas I've been squeezing out for months. Ten days passed since the female friend returned from holiday and not a squeak. I'm keeping out of the way as no call=boyfriend still around. No point banging my head against the wall there. Meanwhile the BBC used one of my photos on their website I took on Friday, so clearly moving up a level in voluntary artistic and media activity. After selling one set of postcards on Tuesday I'm doing the rest of the area tomorrow and the main thing is people like them so I'll hawk more around friends next once the shops are used up. I'd bought prints of loads of paintings of the same area from the gallery and plenty of people prefer photos to paintings but they take about a billionth of the time to create (1/125 of a second on average). Pretty good economy except the printing costs the same as you'd pay retail so all have to be sold at cost purely for the publicity.

I genuinely believe even if I hired a PR manager I couldn't find a woman at will by sheer planning as my family believe. Being limited to so few places for dates also puts me off meeting new ones as at least ones I've been out with before know what I'm like and don't expect everything. I do remember when I could do everything all it did was give us somewhere to go, it never made them like me any more or less wherever I took them. And at 40 plus many other people are happy to go out for tea or the park like the old farts we now are. And I do come across couples happy just to stay in and go at it like rabbits, like one I knew not that long ago myself. I suppose having Brent Cross shopping centre nearby has always been a fallback as I have yet to meet a woman not happy to spend an afternoon there, it seems to have everything they want besides a penis. I used to use IKEA in a similar way myself until there was no more room left for anything they sold there.

One thing we all like but really don't benefit from and I am currently lacking is hope. It clearly feels good to have a few possibilities ahead (which I currently don't) but having made lists few actually happen and those that do make little difference for very long. Mine for instance this year were a national newspaper article (no), the woman with the boyfriend (no) and my 4th TV programme (no). The work has been completed already on all but as Jesus would say, the seeds went into barren land. Like coming in your pants (excuse me). No chance of a result.
So having been raised even higher so I could be dropped from a higher level, I can see the pointless nature (as Buddha taught) of looking ahead to possible events. You dismiss the current normality and feel like shit when they don't happen. I was told the article may be used when the X Files film came out this month and the fuckers (damn, swore again!) wrote an identical article about other people instead of using mine. What is the bloody point and reason for that? The woman, like so many I know, would rather be with someone who appears to have come from a Stanley Kubrick film (ie The Shining) than me or even alone, and the TV programme was finally finished after the original firm went bust only for two of the cast to rebel over the new contract as they didn't understand it. Whether that can scupper an 8 episode series is something only those in the industry would know, but my legal knowledge says yes it can. It would both eliminate two episodes and bugger up the whole continuity as a result and impossible to go ahead without all parties agreement.

Yes, the first 3 went smoothly so not all doom and gloom, but even the stars panic when their careers go cold and mine's barely started. I can't believe once your photo's been seen by 4 million people in a daily paper then the locals and specialist papers won't pick it up, especially as I've been in them a number of times and know how easy it is to get in as so little happens round here. I'm perfectly aware being seen either abroad or on fringe channels will never get you recognised at home, but that's where most people start nowadays and the paper was the equivalent of getting one of them shown on Channel 4. The channel I was recognised on by everyone who knew me in 5 seconds on screen. It is powerful and once seen can never be undone, plus they are usually repeated ad infinitum, as mine certainly are now. My grandpa's main film (as a musician) is on about every year being made about 60 years ago. He died 10 years ago but he's still seen regularly as he got himself on TV. And the final chance is the social life it gets you as people suddenly want to meet you when they've seen you on TV, it's human nature.
So with all my hope gone I have to live in the present, which is good training, but with the nagging sense none of those or more will ever happen now I've missed all my chances. It's the pyramid scenario, the higher you get the less there is there, and the higher you aim the lesser the chances of getting there. Including presentable women. I may actually find it easier to end up on terrestrial TV and a national newspaper than get a woman. That doesn't show how easy it is to do that but how incredibly (I've used up the sweary points for today you see) difficult it is to get a decent woman. For me anyway.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The week ahead?

As this is the time I would otherwise be talking to someone about my day and the week ahead, as there isn't anyone it has to go here and shared in delay. Not that there is much in either pile but of all my options this is the best one now.

I have been all over the place in the last week with the camera mainly as I've done everywhere nearby and if I don't find places to go there's little else to do. In the winter I may switch to painting again but that has got me nothing besides a redundant collection in a gallery and there's little point adding to that. Art is usually judged by the customer rather than the artist and they were happy enough to take them so I presume they thought they could sell. And tomorrow I do the same with the postcards so will see. Not that there's any money in them at all, just publicity. But nothing wrong with that. One small ray of light is the BBC will be using a photo I took (seen the day I took it), and will post a link when up later in the week. I'm not complaining but clearly all media will use a lot done by total amateurs when it's free. And professionals.

Besides the postcard trips I'm really not sure what else will be done this week/year/rest of my life actually. The woman who was meant to return home last week hasn't called, which presumably means she hasn't dumped her boyfriend and there's no point calling if she hasn't as it won't get me anywhere. I really do intend to meditate more as well, although the bad weather will encourage it more with less to do elsewhere. It is definitely the only thing we have that can even be partially relied on, and at worst does nothing noticeable and at best will get you way past anything you could ever experience without it. Some get that a lot but we all react differently. I have a couple of people I'm working with on the psychic research front, and if either or both can deliver my own view of the world will be very different. I'm talking both about interacting with physical matter with the mind and physically leaving this dimension. Meditation has shown me just because we haven't ever come across something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. You just need to know what to do. Without dragging things down how long do most kids live before they discover the orgasm? Till then there wasn't even a clue and suddenly they find a new experience they can pursue the rest of their lives. Psychic ones are in the same area as that, except you can't demonstrate them to others so easily.

I think the work accounts are now over for a while as all the entries have been entered and forms sent off, and just a few bits to dig up for the main ones. But now I'm not even waiting for anything like email replies or media stuff besides that one little photo, and have no plans to send any new ones unless someone else I knew registers on a networking site. But the odd thing is I only need plans for the next day at worst, and those I have. Then although it seems impossible should find more tomorrow for the next day etc. I would love to see England play at Wembley on Wednesday, and have been in 15,000 crowds not that long ago, but 50,000 with probably hundreds in front, behind and on either side would freak me out within minutes. But that has been the case for most of the last 20 plus years. I'd probably be lucky to cope with that even with an injection let alone all my tablets. But it's only a mile or so from here and I've only ever seen England play once there and that was in 1972. Luckily a few internationals are played elsewhere now for other teams visiting so seen a couple of others locally as well. One's even on video as I was at the front and in it many times. But I have cable and will get a little return on my investment as the bastards seem to have got even more England games than usual which is fine unless I'm not at home as no one else has it.

I know talking about cancer doesn't give it to you, but does talking about bad news attract it? Views are divided, I hate to mention all the possible disasters that could happen and it's true very few do to anyone, but although I laugh at the view thinking and feeling like you've got something good attracts it to you, somehow it seems possible you can attract the opposite. Probably as that often does and the other doesn't. But thinking and talking about it probably doesn't make any difference either way. I'd be far more interested to hear people's opinions on this than anything else actually as you can only find that sort of area out by others experiences.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

It had to be said

I really don't want to be doing this, but since it's been questioned constantly I may as well explain a bit more about the phobias. This isn't a blog about my phobias or in general, only when they are relevant do they get mentioned but that has now led to at least one person trying to fill in all the gaps I hadn't mentioned. I don't want to be reminded of these problems so only mention them where they need to be, such as now.

If the list of arrangements I couldn't go to was here it would cover many pages. The only difference is how long it is that particular day as like all mental illnesses it isn't constant. Even the worst schizophrenia and depression come and go relatively. Anyone who actually is in the mental health business would know this and very few others do. The only approval we need is of the government who set a test so difficult few can slip through by mistake, and is about to get a lot tougher. If bored amateurs think they can diagnose me better than them, with no interview and based on fragments of a blog it shows the amount of effort they are prepared to put into their condemnation of people they lump in with paedophiles and terrorists. And often they also have very unpleasant skeletons in their own cupboards which leads them to diverting the attention by looking at other people. Every 'ism' and prejudice is the same, and I'd say frequently also based on the repression (or not) of the very things they condemn the most, as they feel the strongest about what is within them, and only use others to reflect this.

And don't bother commenting in future if you haven't got anything new to say.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Nothing else to do

'May you live in interesting times' is a Chinese curse based on the same principle I mentioned the other day and echoed by teachers ever since. Excitement and activity is not concerned if good or bad, it just is. Pure chaos. So is demonstrated here. I pay too high a price for the activity but without readers a blog may as well not exist. If I gave up any activity that came at a cost I'd do even less than I do now and no one will stop me doing that.

After managing a day with my agoraphobia cure, the woman I used to go out with from Manchester, who dragged me to many of the places I didn't like in the past, and as a result made me cope with far more films, restaurants and discos than I would have otherwise. She made me take her round central London each time she came until I finally had enough and even yesterday got me doing far more than I would otherwise so that had its positive side. It can still be stressful though but I haven't really got anyone round here who insists so much I have to go to certain places. It would probably make me worse if I did though.
It rained most of today, my cleaner said she'd come in as she was away the weekend she would normally come, so I didn't go anywhere in case and she didn't turn up. Maybe I wrote the wrong date. So I did the little accounts entries left and then took some photos locally after the rain stopped for an hour. But not seeing anyone for a day shows by the end and with nothing on TV besides Big Brother really gets noticeable.

Currently I'm free, the only trip planned is the one to Walthamstow and then who knows what, plus I am taking the postcards round the shops where I took them but can already hear them say they want to pay a third of what they cost me. I suppose if I sign the back they'll be worth even less... Besides being gloss finish (who ever saw a postcard that looks like a normal photo?) they are very good quality, but can't see them selling at this price. So unless something dangerous intervenes I'll be doing one of those tomorrow. Unless it rains. The woman who has me in reserve just got back from holiday, she may phone soon and no doubt will do nothing about dumping her boyfriend as when you're next they never do. Or do and then don't want you anyway.

I can't think writing my CV in my blog would be of that much interest to many, even for context, and also as it would really need to be on my profile (even worse) otherwise you'd only know if you read the entry it was hiding in. And if I say I'm a psychotherapist that sort of implies certain minimum levels of qualification although legally you don't need any here. And even by the relatively young age of 48 your career has taken so many twists and turns even your own family can't keep up with it so why try on a blog? But as it'll eliminate some controversy I can kill another 10 minutes by doing a rough one here although unless I copy my certificates the very person who couldn't keep up wouldn't believe me anyway. No such word as trust for those who see the rest of humanity as the common enemy.

1984 I got a law degree and taught while studying counselling on and off till 1991. Then I gave up teaching in schools and found the qualifications I had weren't accepted by anyone and ended up working in a shop for 5 years. I was made redundant and besides the week in another job spent the time since gaining the missing therapy qualifications so I can now apply for jobs I won't get.

Those are the stats that count, all the other stuff was alongside that but whatever others think qualified people are supposed to be like, they can't be labelled as writing or talking to a certain way others expect of them. I ramble here as I'm not allowed to in my work (ie the few clients I do see) and won't do with people I know as our conversations are two sided rather than me giving a lecture. A blog is a lecture with questions at the end, so suits my purposes perfectly. Now I think people should save their hate for actual criminals and leave innocent and unfortunate people alone however much they disapprove of them. But as criminals can't write about their exploits online (until the EU approves the human rights of criminals to do so without risk of prosecution) they'll go after us instead and good luck to them. Maybe it'll stop them setting fire to a drunk instead.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Sunday's roundup

You can't always do the right thing on blogs, either you wait till you've got something to say and people find no new posts, or you come back regardless of what could be reported. But I always saw that as a challenge and looking back can see I always find something once I open the box.
Looking as an accountant would, I've had a pretty raw deal recently. No real profit, and although no real losses a company that only breaks even will not be a successful or happy one either. Having a rival article printed on the day mine could have been used was yet another setback as well as the huge contract jam on the last TV programme I did that's been struggling to stay alive for years since being filmed. The little government issue generates new queries to be answered almost daily, and no, it doesn't serve us right, benefits are either gained legitimately or fraudulently and are not awarded as a matter of opinion or discretion, they make the rules of eligibility and you either qualify or not. Anyone who's fraudulent is stealing and the others by law are entitled to them, whatever the working people think. But I'm not going to filter what I talk about just because others don't approve. I'm sure if I was gay (as was also suggested) I'd get all the other lot after me but that is the structure of the internet. The minority actually create and the others like to destroy it rather than do anything constructive themselves and be open to the comments of the many millions of others like them I meet daily on Youtube. Had I the heart to read them again I'd save a few of the best so you can see the standard collected in the one place but if you go to any Jewish graveyards that have been desecrated then you'll see the same comments there with the swastikas.
No doubt at least one reader will say it's their own fault for being Jewish and why don't they go to Israel/leave Israel/convert to a proper religion or whatever the current preference they have to cleanse the world of the ethnic filth that is the Jew. If you think I'm exaggerating just look at the comments on Jewish videos on Youtube. I said to one how ironic it is if you mentioned the 'N' word anywhere on the public internet the CIA would probably abduct and imprison you, but antisemitism is happy to be represented 100% in the open. And for the hard of thinking out there (you know who I mean) I mean both should be stopped rather than both represented, but nowadays I know I need to spell things out in words of few syllables.

Besides all that I have run out of ideas. Till now I'd been working a day in advance but there's only so many ideas that way. I'll have to let the world direct me now and that usually means rejecting invitations from people I don't want to see or go out with and being left with sod all else. My postcards will arrive in a week or so and although they cost me more than the shops charge will see if I can twist any arms in local shops just in case. I can't see asking 75p or so for a postcard is that bad, except the others cost 50p as they are printed in thousands. Or I'll just give them away.
It did occur to me today that if any of you met me in person I'm far more controversial online than I am in person. Literally the only time I'm assertive in the real world is in my car as on the road we are all equal. They can't see the person inside from afar and only the car so never allow anyone to take advantage by trying to push me out of the way. But of course most of them use the same principle as they'd never dare to try and push others out of the way unless they were in their cars, so driving is the nearest activity to the internet as people behave far worse in cars and online than they ever dare normally as anonymous. There you go, stream of consciousness insight process.

I just hope in a year the imagined future hasn't materialised and nothing new has happened. And in two years. Mind you, I did just have the first message from someone I knew that had seen me on TV (after 2 years). So that patience has been rewarded. Which is why I imagine the comparitive effect in a newspaper (a BIG one). Which may well not be possible to discover in reality. And be sure, any work I may not be doing now was made up for in the past. But as I wasn't blogging in the 80s and 90s you can only see what I'm doing now. But they were rewarded at the time. And a final thought, has anyone besides the communists ever criticised the aristocracy who see working people with contempt as they have never needed to work despite going to the best schools and colleges before retiring. Most people still look up to them yet like to piss on the ordinary people who have hit hard times for whatever reasons. And they are often MPs as well, look at the new benefits laws. A study was made once in Paris that showed it was cheaper to let people ride the trains for free but they decided it wouldn't look good politically. The Green Party found one useful statistic amongst all their other dross, most western countries could let everyone go on benefits with no tests as the reduced admin and huge workforce to administer and enforce the money would be available for everyone, working or not. It was called the basic income policy, and actually considered in Ireland. Many of the Monster Raving Loony policies became law decades later (I'm sure a list is around somewhere but I can't be bothered to spend ages digging it up), but it takes the vested interests at least that long to be pulled off their gravy trains. Look at what they did to hereditary peers. Their poor kids won't be able to sponge off the rents of the tenants any more for an infinite time ahead. What does everyone think of that?

Friday, August 08, 2008

Getting off the train

I have 15 minutes before I go out and there's golf on TV but whatever makes me do this made me come here instead of watching it.

I said to Thomas yesterday about the theories behind enlightenment/advaita, and it is playing out (leela) in my life so perfectly as described by the teachers. The rule is if you engage with worldly things they always even out, so best to transcend them and leave them behind when they'll no longer affect you. It's almost like being at a distance now, as I see little barrages of events, either all good or all bad come day by day and see how well they balance each other and why there's no point seeking the good as the bad is part of it and must follow.

So it pushes me a little more away from the samsara and to enlightenment as you never stay up long and however good you feel when you are it goes down as circumstances do. So if you are told there is a second way it has to be a better one. The emotions have their place but if the peace behind them is both constant and better that'll do me now. I've seen how emotions don't care if they're positive or negative, it's energy which is clearly better kept at a distance. They are fun for a holiday but if optional then quite happy to leave behind if it can ever happen. They are not my friend and just weather which won't affect you when indoors within meditation.

Life outside is unreliable in every aspect, none of you can rely on it any more than I can, it'll let every single one of you down sooner or later and it only matters if you care, ie are affected by it emotionally. Buddha spent his later life searching for the answer to this and then founded Buddhism by teaching when he had. It became way too complicated and needed a few newer teachers like Nick Roach to weed out all the ideologies and complex rituals brought in over time by the human rather than the spiritual side of the teachers. You don't stop living if enlightened, you just apparently escape the emotional torture they call karma and like the lotus flower float on the mud but aren't touched by it.

So everything in the 'real world' is just a mixture of this emotional energy, and if watching a film or soap can enjoy the ups and downs without needing to be involved, and enlightenment is a similar step, to be aware of the same things as if watching a film but not to be part of it as both are an illusion, one alludes to the other. Every teacher I've seen and read says the same thing, not from their books or teachers but their own enlightenment and I have to trust them.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Big Brother video

Last year's housemate Jonty watches Big Brother with me this year.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Back to normal

Well this is the post I was going to make before I was diverted. So I've used up my quota of rude words for 2008 and possibly the whole decade, but I'm not using the racist dreck you get on Youtube which really does deserve some sort of action.

Anyway, besides now being thoroughly confused having to juggle who knows how many anonymous posters and supposed to know who said what when I reply I don't know. As for commenting on my life I can only report it as it is and select the bits that aren't so dreadfully ordinary I'd be sounding like many people I do know. But 99% of life is little things and if we only report the big ones we'd be here about once a year if that. And the ones you read in the newspapers are so exaggerated as they know as well most of life is so ordinary.

I have cleared last week's caca out the way, and am now clear for another of freedom. I have to say criticising people's life tends to encourage more details as way of explanation, and I'll start by talking about foundations. These are the worst our daily life can get, the people and places around us that make the problems shared and weigh less. Being an only child there is no chance for any conversation growing up with anyone on my own level at home, and sharing the dire nonsense between my parents towards the end of their marriage. And after it which was even worse. And when you stop growing at 15 and see all your friends carry on for a few years and look down to hear what you're saying it doesn't help either. That's one reason I developed such a sharp tongue, but would not like to become physically threatened either. So the combination of a fragmented family and being the size of a girl was a start with a kill or cure path for many more years for my future. Like a boy named Sue really and look what happened to him.

The IQ business was just like having curly hair or anything else. I didn't make a big deal of it, I went to a psychologist when I was 11 and they take IQ tests before anything else. I only wanted to join Mensa for the women and social life as I can say Funtrivia is the closest thing to Mensa online but can rarely meet the people as you could in a local group. We usually encourage each other and make friends possibly for life as a result. 8 years and counting for me.

So my only foundations within my control were business ones, qualifications and money. Both went reasonably well although I never got a master's degree as I preferred not to pay for a full time one and the part time one almost killed me. Or a recognised profession mainly as I couldn't manage O level maths and half the ones I could have tried needed it. I have the one I want now but it's not recognised or I'd have been working properly some years ago. I presume the jobs I did apply for made the employers laugh when they saw my qualifications although if I was happy to add up their figures, sort their papers or serve their customers (and had done so previously for 5 years when I did work) they may as well have given me a chance. But it never happened.

So basically with the start and following life I had, I was then released into the world alone with a house to live in, and little else. To relate to a previous comment, had my attitude to women been so bad I would have had none at all, but it was quality not quantity. I had plenty around but never the ones I wanted. So I am still living alone and as a result of the low foundation and hardly anyone to talk to at home (or since my friend went abroad in 2002) can't have a conversation with anyone besides my family from day to day or longer. So I say it all here. Those of you who can talk to someone at home have a foundation. I haven't had that for 16 years besides a few tenants who were more trouble than the few pounds some actually paid me. They just gave orders and complaints. They weren't friends (usually) or partners or family so didn't really do the same job.

That is why I also have to struggle to find things to do, as faced with day after day of nothing your imagination is stretched to its limits. I usually manage to think of enough to do just for the next day which of course is enough. Besides looking after the family members as I've already mentioned. My grandma doesn't like anyone besides family and friends helping her and as her friends are not family it was normally down to me and my parents as she has no other close family left. Had I got any of the jobs I applied for she would have had years of shopping and hospital trips to do without me to take her, as would my mother for the shopping. I'm talking 2 hours in Tesco in grandma's case, and was happy to do so and all the other jobs when we got home. All when I would have been working. And I can't see how I'd have had the time or patience to take all the further psychotherapy courses had I been working as I'd want to piss around when I got home, I always have. I spent the best of 2 years on those courses so couldn't have squeezed them into my spare time and still done that well somehow. Then I found there was precious little work in the field and that was that.

But life has its moments, good sometimes, but because of the lowest foundations can always drop right down to the bottom when it doesn't as there is so little of a support system. I presume those who stand and point the fingers either don't live alone or want to, and by averages about 80% are not only children. Being given a start where you have less than most people you're going to turn out different at best, weird at worst. And if I blog I can't harass people as unlike speech people can turn round and stop reading. So I rarely mention my problems in real life as people can't do a thing about them and makes them avoid you. On paper it becomes a form of literature and some people do like to read about it, like seeing arguments on Big Brother.

So although tomorrow is free I haven't a clue what I'm going to do. I've said already my health, like most people's, is variable, and when I was better applied for hundreds of jobs. Don't blame me if I didn't get them. But having a chronic condition means any stress and it comes back big time and knocks you out for a year or more as it did to me. So given for whatever reasons the time is there it has to be used somehow. The camera let me go a little further each time so I didn't notice the extra too much, until I could cover a much bigger area. But I can always turn round unlike any arrangement with other people. With phobias it's not what you can do but what you can't that diagnoses them, and my list of those is still by far the winner. I'm used to it but many people clearly aren't. I'm not Jesus and never tried to be so if they throw stuff at me they'll get it back. I'll water down my previous comment which was misunderstood as was hypothetical, that I wish they would have a website and get the same sort of comments as they blithely deliver as if they have the authority to assess others as their superiors. That's the only way we'd see how they'd react and I'd imagine the death threats, I think someone on Youtube actually ended up resorting to one against me, and I recognise the style again here.


I'm pretty disappointed with the way too many people haven't learnt how to save their opinions for situations of equality. Any cunt with a computer can trawl people's sites all day long and call them names, and so what? They look like cunts. End of.

Now repeating the same insults and trying to make me look worse than you is never going to work as you attacked me and even if I overreact for a minute (you should really see overreacting, someone called Tommy Moore showed me the meaning of that once in a live chat), it doesn't change the situation. You anons are all bullies and if saw me in public would never dare to speak a word of the vile nonsense you do. I'm happy to let you on as this is a democracy and for some reason people do like to read it (according to the stats) so why not have some car crash blogs if it entertains others. But they are not witnessing any more than a playground brawl and it's the first time it's happened to me since I left school as adults rarely behave like children as other adults would rarely let them get away with it. Except behind the dual shields of distance and anonymity. I wouldn't dream of posting anywhere as anon as it shows no respect for the poster, as dislike the content or not they are the ones who are sharing their lives, you are not and are just happy to read it and feel wonderful as you are apparently better than them.

Sadly not a word I or anyone else says will change these attitudes, just as the people on the road who blame you when they hit your car due to their selfish driving. Now they have been given the freedom of the internet they can do it all day and night with no damage to their cars. At least I try and create rather than destroy. I was taught if you can't say anything nice don't say it at all. Even when I don't at least I know I was wrong. You lot never will.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

A bit more information

There are two types of criticism, informed and judgemental. Now my anonymous reader who loves to stand back and feel superior by reflected comparison is clearly of the second type, and had he the brains to understand eccentricity, instead of like common people throughout the ages condemn it, none of what I write would go straight over his head. I say he, but being anon I should really say it but it doesn't read well.

A little about phobias for those who do want to know, agoraphobia and claustrophobia are both misunderstood and actually the same thing. Agoraphobia is the fear of leaving home and claustrophobia is the result once you've left there. Taking photos is open ended, meaning I go and come back when I feel like it. The exact opposite of a job.

Now I've got that out of the way, there's little else to report, but continue wishing nothing less than serious illness on anon simply as it's the only way he'll learn the truth, as he refuses to listen to those who know. Their choice and can reform in time to avoid such fate.

I can't really follow that.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Read this, suckers!

I have to say first despite the standard nature of the comments besides a few, that was partly the aim of the last few entries as having hardly any for months had to 'spice it up a bit' or I feared I'd lose the last few visitors I had. Not that I god forbid would ever make a thing up, it was about revealing more than most should in return for a bit more interest. Negative/positive, as they say on the radio all listeners are counted equally and they don't care why they're listening. Bums on seats, literally the bottom line. Even controversial politics had no effect before as it's possibly becoming more mainstream, and that would be a good thing as we need to fight the bastards before they send us all to the third world economically and technically. One reason so many politicians are apparently against cars as they realise with no fuel we'll have to do without them so maybe are trying to prepare us now by making driving one as hard as possible.

So back to my week, well some may get a shock, others a heart attack, I worked more this week than I have for ages. It usually happens in bunches and (these hours are all officially recorded otherwise I'd be looking for trouble here) the person I do the tax accounts for had an inspection and a return in one week and I am the bookkeeper. That kept me busy I can tell you. Plus one normal client. All over now as far as I know and I can relax and do fuck all until I can think of the next thing to do not with a screen ahead of me.
One thing I've confirmed here is the psychological spread of the readers. I know most reasonable and moderate people tend to keep quiet, but allowing for them the remainder have tended to represent all the ends of the scale, ie the best and the worst. From the mildly authoritative personality to the truly fascist, and the developed spiritual at the other end. On my trivia site the 'right wing', or the goats I think the bible called them would probably not even have reached their first warning but just been booted out on the spot. As I can premoderate this isn't necessary as the real scum now don't appear, and the rest who do are clearly welcome as no one is above criticism. And as Tashi points out, only make themselves look like cunts (my choice of word there). Going online and attacking innocent strangers (magnified by anonymity) is just taking the school bully online, and we all know the sort of impotent insecure tossers are school bullies.
I am professionally next to being a psychologist, and have studied personal development for a few years at college. These guys demonstrate a total ignorance of humanity and human nature just as a dog or cat would. It's the standard bell shaped curve with a few extremes either end and most in the middle, and you only notice the extreme ones. We all know we're there, they're the ones who almost kill us by trying to save 10 seconds and overtake you on a corner or junction. Holding a mobile phone and if dark with their fog lights dazzling you to raise the chances of an accident to maximum. A few times I've been lucky enough to see these twats pulled by the police the second they've shot a red light or weaved across the road, and one real pro overtook me as I turned left and turned his car over just round the bend as I discovered when I caught him up. He'll never do it again (no, he's alive and wasn't hurt at all, but learnt his lesson the only way he could, by failing.

When the unfortunate individual who cussed me yesterday becomes ill as I hope to goodness he does (or she?) and can't work for months I will come and laugh from 9-5 5 days a week, not for a penny. If the only way people can learn is from their own failures then so be it, fail. Of course it is always best to learn from other's mistakes but for that you need an IQ in 3 digits (OK, mine's 169 as I mentioned it and someone's bound to ask), so the only way any of these poorly developed individuals must be forced by life to the very position they are unable to understand in any other way.

Same for smokers by the way, I can be judgemental as well as we are all shades of grey and not perfect. I've never smoked, never been addicted to anything besides sex (the way we are meant to be) so can't figure why people want to breathe in poison and filth. And then some moan about it and still do it. Pathetic. Just to show I don't understand everything but not an offer from Carol Vorderman would make me smoke even one to find out why. I have tried them and it was exactly what I'd expect, and that was it. So maybe I do understand, people try something totally unpleasant and instead of doing as I did and rejecting it saw every other twat doing it and decided it must be a good idea. And the bloody drunks who jam up the hospitals should be transported. Three strikes for all criminals and go to Ireland. They have the room and the climate. It would cost too much to melt and build inside Greenland but there are other places all round the world they could try, look how successful they became in Australia. And maybe all smokers and druggies could go as well, except half my friends chain smoke so I'd miss out as well. The few who wanted to stop were cured by me in an hour or two so it can be done.

By the way, I have views on other sensitive areas but I'm not that fucking stupid to mention them in public. It does get filtered before it's typed, believe me.