Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Friends and family

Combining two recent phenomena, I can explain another aspect of blogging that relies on production rather than anything produced. Having seen a non-celebrity win Big Brother on Friday, it highlighted something about seeing anyone often enough. Once, whether directly or via a screen, you have someone in your house often enough you get to know them. That was why a nobody beat ten celebrities in a popularity contest, because after three weeks people knew her as well as all the others and she was chosen on her qualities as a person isolated from her fame or lack of it.

Now on Big Brother you see it all, big and small. Just the everyday goings on in their life. And sometimes you see more of them than anyone else, and they become like family. Of course, what does the word familiar mean? QED. So the second element is my blog. I may sometimes add intricate details of the day, but if you're watching someone's life it includes everything. The minor stuff creates a sharper focus and makes the complete picture, and the more you read about anyone, the more you get to know them as if they were there.

Of course we select whose blogs we read as I always say, you filter(in my case) every techie, teenage clubber, link obsessive, single issue pages (unless one of mine, which I haven't found yet) etc until you find people who are fairly interesting. Some I read a couple of years ago have drifted well away from where they started, and that's part of life. But each day provides a new chapter in that person's life, and you learn so much about someone who, in fact, are pretty rare, they become people you want to follow their lives like friends or family. Why I say rare is because out of even the bloggers, only a small proportion write about themselves. They have taken what was designed as a diary, a way of sharing your life with others, to a customised magazine only for people with shared interests. As my number one interest is people, if I want to read about news, technology or trains I'll use the many dedicated sites for them, and chat with other forum members as well sometimes, but wouldn't want to read one person's experiences with fucking Ipod nanos every day (if they even exist outside my impression of what is on the current market). I prefer to follow others ups and downs, like a good soap opera but real and without a script, just like big brother. But here we can join in, which instantly makes us part of the house, even as a writer rather than actual visitor. We can already post static images here, and sooner or later if bandwidth and cheap equipment increases in availability, we'll be able to have video and sound clips on our blogs so people can see us actually doing exactly what we talk about, like big brother.

So videoblogs (you heard it first here I bet) should be the next development eventually, and each one of us will be capable of being not just journalists but have our own individual mini TV series. You'll see my cat rolling over, my cleaner scrubbing the kitchen, hear my impressions of just about anyone I can think of, see all my car collections, my garden, road and local park. I was there with my Dad this afternoon and still after 46 years (I lived opposite there till I was 5) think it's one of the most magical places I know, and only across the road to me. And maybe like Chantelle who won celebrity BB as a non-celebrity, sooner or later a few people will become starts and have their videoblogs taken up by TV companies just like newspapers use clips from them now. I'm no techie, but would imagine we'd all need at least 1 meg broadband and 160gb hard drives, as well as doubling the server capacities before more than 30 second clips would be viable. I've already got one fixed 30 second job up and running, and it won't even run on dialup. Plain text (like this) goes a long way server-wise, but video/audio mops up more bandwidth than anything, and servers simply couldn't handle this sort of data yet. But watch the web, if I had the resources I'd start my own but the costs would be phenomenal, but someone will get it together sooner or later.

Child of the 60s

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Cream Posted by Picasa

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Steve Miller Posted by Picasa

Monday, January 30, 2006

Post birthday post

Well, the day’s over for another year, and didn’t go too badly, considering it was totally unplanned. As expected (almost) I listened to Tommy Boyd, but delayed by well over an hour due to coverage of Dennis bloody Rodman’s local basketball game in Brighton. Never heard basketball on the radio before, and hope never to again. ‘He’s bouncing the ball and running at the same time, someone’s jumped in front of him, this is so exciting- look, he’s thrown a ball through the hoop!’. Anyway, the bonus was the new chatroom was up and running, and I got to know all the forum members who chatted during the show. As I wasn’t at home I couldn’t call in as well (not that I had anything to call about), and it was also pretty hard to concentrate on a chatroom with about 30 people in it as well as follow the anarchic calls on the radio. A very nice bunch of people though. So as the birthday proper began at midnight, that was what I was doing at the time. For some strange reason Howard Hughes unexplained programme wasn’t on the radio (FA cup coverage??) but he always starts late for that so I hope it’s not been axed after just over a year, especially with Ed Dames’ ‘revelation’ due next month. Watch this space on that.

The next day I got a card from my Dad’s neighbours and went over to thank them, and spent a very nice afternoon there and also watched Manchester Utd on Sky which was a bonus, and going there made up for missing out the night before. There wasn’t anyone in the gym I knew, and missed going the previous night for obvious reasons. Then there was some decent TV for the rest of the evening, Psychic challenge, which has brought evidence of powers to the mass viewers, but only covers the same basic clairvoyance over and over again in different forms, which people can learn to do in about ten minutes. They really need to go a little further as so far clairvoyance is notoriously unreliable, coming and going in bursts as it pleases, which is demonstrated clearly on the programme. But a bit of compass moving or spoon bending could really impress if it worked, though they probably didn’t want to set themselves up for a fall if it didn’t work. Then the spin off from Inspector Morse, Lewis (his sidekick), which was well worth watching. There’s still some traditional British decent programming around, but very thin on the ground. So that was from start to finish my birthday, and I was told I don’t look 46, when you consider George Galloway who looks about 30 years older than me is actually 5 that’s probably right.

I’ve also started making a list of the things I ‘just know’, as since I claimed it I’ll need to demonstrate it, and hopefully have a chance for people to pick up on what I write. On that theme, there’s both good and bad news on at the moment. The good is Tony Blair (well, he took the credit for it) wants to extend medical treatments to outside hospitals and office hours. If you leave them in for long enough they can’t help mixing the odd good policy with all the nonsense, especially as they’d just cut down on home visits recently as well. On the minus side I just read the UK has the highest energy prices in the world. How the country who used to lead the world (sorry America, it’s true!) is now having the world get it’s own back by treating us like poor relations is tragic. We already have near the highest house prices, and probably CDs and sports equipment (where we also get a minimal selection of the whole range as we’re ‘not a major market’). That was Nike who told me that when I spent my last job working in a sports shop, and dared to ask for something from the ‘world’ section of the catalogue. How it worked was they often had one world catalogue, and we then had to call them and cross out nearly every item as it ‘wasn’t for the UK’. So whatever we did wrong regarding the empire, the empire and colonies have now provided revenge in every possible economic way they can. Half of course is home-grown robbery, where the lack of land and impossibility to shop elsewhere (without a boat trip or £100 return on Eurostar) means we are almost put in the same position as St Helena or Bermuda where all our supplies are flown or shipped in (did I say we don’t exactly make a lot of our own goods any more?) and we’re forced to take what we’re given and pay a premium for everything as it’s in such short supply.
I also read an article which echoed my own view, that in 50 years we’ll all have to work and travel locally as personal motorised transport will almost become a thing of the past. Back to bikes and horses as I said, and unless the hidden fuels that have been reported to exist for decades are released to the public, everyone will be sitting at home on their computers, walking in the park and shopping locally. Sound like anyone else you know? I must be 50 years ahead of everyone already!

Saturday, January 28, 2006


Well, I wasn't planning this entry or evening, and have now been fed almost the same as I've been giving recently, with my intended pre-birthday evening being cancelled. I only asked 5 people as I didn't want major work to do, and one couple were busy, the other found another arrangement and the final person just called to say she wasn't well.

I can't do much about it, as I have pulled out of things since my own health problems so fully understand. My mother seems to have the same thing, and if so could well be a virus. It comes and goes with me, but when I do much it makes me so tired I can take a couple of days to recover from it. Everything else in the past went away eventually so this ought to sooner or later. But I realised one thing that makes it worse is still having to do the essentials myself, and were I living in a family if one person's down the others take over (usually). Not here. It's almost unnatural, the way being removed from a family unit means you're working closer to full capacity normally, and above it when not.

It was going to be a triple birthday do as two other people had birthdays within a few days, and I have one present here waiting. Otherwise I've had a bit more energy today, I only went to the shops to get the present and some food, but am still working on ten years' worth of washing up, and though Arsenal is on the TV in the FA cup I'd rather do this as the game's pretty boring. So much for plans.

So my actual birthday is in 5 hours, so I expect I'll be listening to Tommy Boyd as usual and expect a Sunday pretty much as every other. If my secret admirer turns up and strips for me I'll let you all know, or someone offers me a book deal. I may even suddenly become enlightened. But when I wake up on Sunday it would only have been a dream. Good night while I'm still 45.

On the radio

I just remembered, you can hear me talking to Tommy Boyd on the radio archive

21st January show posted on 23rd of January. I am on after 1 hour and 18 minutes or so, assuming your version of player supports a digital timescale. If not, it's a four hour show and I'm on at 10.18, and you just pull the little cursor along till you're around that proportion of the whole four hours. I've had to do it that way as well!

The reason I am posting this is the whole call (one of a series of three) is devoted to discussing my blog, and you can hear how to really conduct an interrogation, which few can do as well as Tommy as he sees the point almost every time.

You can currently hear the show online at BBC Southern Counties every Saturday from 9pm-1am UK time. In April he will be given a daily show in the afternoons (as he used to many years ago), and as I don't live in the catchment area either I'll have to find a way of listening as well.

Changing the world

Yes, due to a dearth of TV and alternative occupations (plus Funtrivia didn't load first time) I'm back here. I am exploiting the vein while it is still producing a continuous supply of material. No idea what's coming out here, and following professional channelers would very much like to see another being take over and show the world something impressive, as well as show me.
Mind you, besides the ideas I was already saving up for my second book which were covered in Conversations with God, most other channeled material is quite unoriginal and uninspired. Whether the ideas that flash into my head at times are from my subconscious or sent from outside I can't tell until something indicates it directly. But whatever my intuition tells me certainly doesn't come from direct experience, as I know how something is before I check it out, not after, when it does happen.

It would be easier to appeal to other people's intuition, rather than have to use a great deal of mental power to present a logical case to something I both know in my heart, and would like others to receive in their hearts by it just 'feeling correct' without the need for me to spell it out every time. Life would be so much easier if those given the information to share could shift mass attitudes simply like turning on a light in a dark room, where people just realise (as I do in the first place) 'Yes, that's just how it is'. It's not just me, I hear many people talk sense outside conventional wisdom/public opinion, and I reckon the tide of sense has to be growing as the last time I made a public tirade against political correctness (otherwise known as thought control) was only received with agreement (not as expected). There is a lot of painful and unnecessary crap in society masquerading as 'rules' and 'morals' but are designed to control the masses, while the rulemakers tend to do the exact things they ban us from doing (even like the police speeding). I started at primary school, standing on a desk ranting to the whole class in break against some rule or other, and carried on in prep school running petitions against cross country running and one to have co-education. I got lots of signatures and handed both to the headmaster. Nothing was done but it showed I could both get away with trying and get plenty of support. And you know what? No one else did anything similar while I was there.

So, I have a history, and the internet has given me another chance to do the same thing, but with life in general. Why hide your ideas? I do get plenty of opposition, as all whistleblowers and revolutionaries will. Why rock the boat, make a noise, and upset people? Well, look at the things I want to change. If I sit back and watch the world be taken over by shoddy buildings, secrecy, animal cruelty, hiding inventions from the public, etc etc, and just say 'Fine, that's how things are, I'll just accept places I knew lined by houses are now lined with blocks housing ten times as many people but we all have to use the identical roads as before, change all the words I use so I can't use 'foreigner', 'blackboard' or 'spastic', pretend it's OK for Muslims to slaughter animals in public over Eid (with legal protection in some European countries), and roll over and accept all the other crap that shouts at me to look at like seeing a misprint on a page.

People don't like us for it.

Well sorry, but were it not for 'people like me' we'd have no: worker protection, animal cruelty laws, consumers rights, or even a National health service.

If no one complained and campaigned against small and large faults in society they would persist as those in power make them not for the benefit of society, but for themselves. It's pure chance if the public win or lose as a result. Like shares. If the shareholders do well, who else does?

Water companies: Britain's water companies need to make money. How do they save it? They allow half (roughly) the water to leak out and then ration what remains as it's cheaper than fixing the leaks, and then put the prices up.

Oil Companies: Fiddle while Rome/Iraq/Afghanistan burns and they rake it in at the world's expense when the prices go up as a result.

Transport companies: Buses stop at 9pm in many British cities, and bus and train fares are being allowed to rise exponentially to 'improve quality and attract more people on to public transport' (The Times, Jan 21st).

I could go on for pages but I think you see where I'm heading. The same applies to every government that's ever governed. They legislate for themselves, if we win it's a bonus. Example. In Britain both the Conservatives and Labour wanted to ban bankrupt companies from the directors buying them back and reopening. This allowed them to stop paying their bills, and take over the assets the next day with no liabilities and is totally legal. People pay millions in deposits never to get it back while the directors can 'lose' the money and never have a penny traced. Both governments pulled out after it was clear it would affect their own people who liked to use this loophole for themselves.

So if you have been inspired to think of your own idiocy or injustice around you, tell people. Don't just lie back and roll over as you 'can't do anything as an individual'. You can. One person at a time. If you change the mind of one person from a lie to the truth it's a miracle as so few people are willing to change their closely held opinions. If each one changes another one, it'll spread until the lies are kept by the minority and lose their weight altogether. Post your views on the internet. It's easy and free. And secondly (for the 99% of people who need 'proof') prepare all your answers and arguments in advance. Don't let your views free until you know them inside out, or you'll be ripped apart and give up immediately!

Friday, January 27, 2006

My answers

If I'm given a question, though I may not know the answer straight away, the seed has been planted. So I spotted a reason I complain here, because (in my subconscious) I somehow believed if I told everyone I was in trouble maybe someone would help. Of course words of support are help, but beyond that nobody can actually come along and do anything, so now I've caught that one I won't be doing it anymore.

The situation must be a familiar one. When everything's going well, you don't think about controlling it, life just goes along on auto pilot. When, for whatever reason, it goes out of control and off the rails you want to put it back. I think I have enough experience to know my own limits, and when there's trouble I have three methods available to me. The areas I can fix directly (eg clearing something off the carpet, don't ask...), indirectly (asking someone to pass a message or drop a hint for me, for instance) and the path of most resistance, where the possible method is more trouble than the trouble itself, (like paying for a private check-up). But to use a Venn diagram, that only covers a portion of most situations. The rest is hurtling down the hill on its own energy, and the horizon is one of time, ie anything beyond the present moment. You can't even see which direction the carriage of chaos is going down the hill, where it leads or whether it slows down and stops soon or way ahead.
Those are the bits I was looking for outside help. I figured if I can't do a thing I'd see if I could ask the universe indirectly, and though I hadn't wasted effort moaning to people face to face for years as I realised it had no use, the tendency was still there and slipped out in here, until I noticed it.

Of course, I still wish I could find any answers to how to affect the bits outside the apparent control zone, but the answers (which I don't believe exist, we are very limited from what I've seen so far) will come the same way as the solutions, when they want to and not when I want them to.

Many people, including me, have tried what could be termed 'white magic' to have a fourth way of controlling the uncontrollable. It has also been distilled into 'attraction magic', where somehow (I can't see the sense in it) you change your vibration and belief so the world reflects that change. People say they've done it, but though I'm open to new science, this has been described (differently most of the time) in so many books and courses that even though no method I've yet found isn't hideously long-winded and complicated, it really leaves me cold. It's a form of prayer, where you believe and feel you already have what you want and then 'it happens'. That's the basics of it, try it, maybe it'll work for you. Anything that isn't a variation on this method I'd dismiss as hocus pocus, and also accept any change of the outside world using supernatural means can't be understood by the mind so I can't use my mind to even check if it makes sense to do so. That was why I tested many of these methods, but unless I gave up too easily I can't endorse even the idea behind them, let alone any one method.

I fear my biggest blockage is one others have mentioned elsewhere, that is avoiding jobs that are more trouble than what they are there to remedy, like the dentist. All animals avoid pain and suffering given a choice, and though humans know the reason they have to do it, we are still animals underneath and may avoid whatever it is indefinitely as the price is too high to pay. If there are any routes out of my situations like that, of course they may exist and I won't take them (I'll see if I can think of any), but the intuition tells me in the past I did every one of these (when I was younger I could) and it didn't make anything happen either. If, for instance, I went to one of those social arrangements for single people after a year or three, I'd instantly realise why I stopped going. So probably many of the routes others suggest I must have tried and failed already.

But the balance is, after hearing something yesterday, I realised that if you look at the celebrities on Big Brother for example, some are famous for doing something, others for being someone. When the latter die they leave nothing behind but a name, as they did nothing to earn their fame (Tara P-T, the Beckwith family etc), but the true celebrities leave a career of entertainment or creations behind them. And whatever my problems have been in the last year or so, possibly as a reaction to it my creations have increased tenfold. The myth of the troubled artist seemed to apply, though I will carry on just as much now if not troubled. Whatever shit is going on I can still look back and see what I've produced, and that can't be taken away. Personally the happiness and contentment I had when I maybe wasn't doing so much would be preferable if forced to choose, but having both isn't really so much to ask, but appears to be so far.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Bodger and Badger

Everybody knows Badger loves mashed potatoes!
He makes them into shapes and eats them every day.
Bodger and Badger, Bodger and Badger
lalalalala lalalalala
Bodger and Badger are never far away!

Yes, he's finally lost it. Actually, when I was just mixing my instant mash, whenever the series is on I remember the song when I make my own, and of course most of the world isn't lucky enough to know of the amazing pair, so I am able to rememdy it here. It was never as good as in the school though, in my opinion. But Simon has to be the most patient guy I've ever come across.


Park Avenue, Golders Green. A perfect example of quasi-rural architecture, built around 1910 as the private Park estate, North End. These now cost at least a million and as I went to school over the road knew many people who lived there. Another possible destination should my media success earn me a million plus (my backside I will...).

David's coming home! When I turn off the North Circular, this is the relatively recent (c1990?) landmark I see, the Holiday Inn Brent Cross, actually located in Cricklewood which is south of the River Brent in question. I drove past the flyover yesterday and in the space between the bridges carrying the road was the river, and two men were fishing in it! The last time I looked the river was almost dry, and certainly doesn't seem to move even when full. Goodness knows what they expected to catch there. The building itself was destined for an early demolition to make way for Ken Livingstone's proposed Cricklewood Towers, which look like something from Dan Dare but have apparently been given a reprieve, especially as the earliest date for the towers will be around the 2020s. I used to go there occasionally, but however nice the bar is, the fact when I asked for biscuits with my tea they had to raid someone's left over breakfast from a bedroom as they technically didn't serve tea to visitors. Bad move, and I don't think they had a fruit machine either which would have got me in as well.


Ever looked at life through a magnifying glass? It makes a change to now and then if you haven't, and is like stretching life out into its tiniest details and reporting it, something my grandma does quite naturally.

Today gave me the idea, as on the surface I got up, watched TV, got dressed, watched a video and then got on the computer. But there's more than that if you look in the gaps. I looked through all three LP boxes as it was time I listened to some of them, and played a Boris Gardener (reggae) and have The Seekers on now. I am brewing my second lot of coffee from the free packet which should be ready in a few minutes. I had a number of phone calls to me which overlapped with some of the activities and stopped others in their tracks.
I then intend to carry on washing up with the records playing in the background and then have a piece of cold chicken my grandma gave me, probably with instant mash (as cooking isn't my thing). The coffee is now here, and I'm using a special coffee cup I may not have used since 1993.

It's just interesting to see what someone/anyone can do given just a house, appliances and nothing else in one day, and though some elements repeat (such as the computer and TV) I hadn't got my LPs out for ages or made real coffee. The little things mean as much as the big ones, and when sharing them with others life is as it should be.

While I'm here

As I'm busy later in the day I used the time I do have to write my piece, and see what happens. I was woken up in a most inhumane way today when a neighbour (who has my key) barged in around 10am and woke me up to ask for my email address. It would have been hard enough to get back to sleep anyway but after he went the builders next door started drilling and only just stopped (6 hours later). I've reached a stage where whatever I do it can take me a couple of days to get over it, a symptom of the exhaustion I've had on and off for some months and wasn't helped by nights awake either from my own builders and then the ones next door. So sitting at a screen is almost all I can do at the moment.

I have now entered the world of Flickr.com fully since getting the digital camera and used all the features including joining pools, and discovered my main interests to take are buildings, roads and public transport. I take lots of people I know on the proper camera (when I'm with any...) as well but for 'artistic' reasons local scenes including the road signs, buses and trains have always made interesting and historical views, as each time you take a picture of a view a few years later something major or minor will be different, and without photos you'd never see London with a Routemaster bus any more (let alone a tram or trolleybus, which I remember despite going before I was 2). My Flickr site is linked from here, but I haven't seen any links from Flickr so I doubt it will bring any traffic in here.

But no way have I given up on today. Luckily I did most of my required going out already this week so am not feeling guilty on missing any jobs out. I have more work in the kitchen as the boxes seem endless, and there's other tidying to do as well if I get round to it. Not a thing on TV so no distractions there, and having this bloody tiredness for months have learnt how to do whatever it allows me to do at the time and has barely stopped me doing anything eventually even if it meant putting some things off till I could do them. The trouble is when I do something it wears me out again and it all goes back to square one. This is the third time in my life I've had this, once from overwork (not exactly the reason I don't much now, but made me cut down 'or else' at the time) and once from clearing our family house single handed after 28 years of stuff. There are plenty of reasons for this episode (as described already). Most if not all gone now, but without a few weeks with staff doing the lot for me you can't charge batteries while you're using them.

Miracles exist if you're in any situation you can't fix yourself and something does it for you. But never when you wish for it. No way. That would put us in heaven and I'm in Kingsbury where miracles are rationed and then usually very small effects. But I've learnt there are many things we can't solve ourselves. If there's a mess on the carpet I clear it up. But if there's a mess in my life there aren't the tools available. That's when and why people want miracles, and my open mindedness in the area of the supernatural is gradually closing up as I see little evidence there's any more than the given.
I'll qualify that. Within the natural includes what is called the Akashic records. I can only tell you this as I use it so have no way I can not say it's real. But unless you either see me using it or have experienced it for yourself no one can prove it to others. Secondly Skylord http://www.expage.com/skygong has shown me not only does kundalini/universal energy exist (as I've raised it using yoga) it can be sent anywhere. But I will qualify that in my case, besides feeling bloody good, it had no known healing or psychic effects.
And thirdly eveything has an aura as I've seen them. Whatever power my teacher had appeared to transfer to her students as it was effortless to see them with her but almost impossible away from her. As she's now in the US desert I think I'll have to find another source of my aura power nowadays.
And the coincidences and synchronicities now spreading to people I know is the largest mystery, and clue maybe my next theory (I hope) has a major hole in it.

So my current view of the universe is God- feh! Angels- bollocks, Miracles- where? Planning? -no, chaos. Everything is exactly how it seems except information can also be gained without looking for it if you are tuned in. This only happens rarely with most people but proves it exists but we just aren't very good at using it.
Higher energies and frequencies aren't even supernatural, bees can see auras so it's nothing very surprising if you're a bee, so really not unscientific if we can as well.

But the one potential escape route is coincidences. They are miracles, but neutral ones. They don't help, they just amaze. I don't even know if making a profit is essential for a miracle, it really needs two types, useful and useless. So what I'm discovering is useless miracles in the form of coincidences is a definite (implying a controller as things can't fall into place without conscious direction) but helpful miracles like angelic interventions haven't found their way (knowingly) into my life. The only time I remember an overlap is when I really feel worn out and something that was booked up is cancelled at the last minute. That happens a lot when I need it to, but admittedly probably does when I don't, so possibly not a certainty.

Anyway, when I wrote this I was just describing the day, and allowed me to arrange a whole theory of the universe. And people call bloggers geeks...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

David's day off

At the moment I have a Wednesday oasis between the rest of the week, whenI have a complete day free, to do whatever I like. Watching my local videos from a few years ago last week I realised that whether I was busy in or out of the house, since my friend left the country 4 years ago nearly all my activities were on my own, (admittedly most of the rest of the country was working at the time) meaning I had no one to talk to or share the memories. I just went from amusing myself indoors to outdoors.

So, I managed a flying visit to Golders Green to take more photos, and took most from in or next to the car as it's so difficult to park there now. I was even back in time to watch Neighbours. My aim is to work my way through all the kitchen articles that have to be washed and either put in the new cupboards or given away. I've so far done one load in the sink and emptied a couple of bisuit tins with historical remnants in them. Manchester Utd are on TV again tonight, this time in the League Cup, so my evening's mapped out at least.

Anyway, today's observation is based on my photos and comparing them with others on Flickr nearby, and have realised how much difference simple variations in our environment make. Two elements, space and design. The best example of space is when I went back to see the London University gardens in Hampstead (Queen Mary and Westfield College) and found one of the two to be replaced by a development the size of a village. London as with all cities is losing more and more green space, mainly due to the exponential growth in world population and the attraction of cities from rural communities home and abroad. The combination of these elements is building whatever you build, but leaving larger spaces between the buildings. Some chance.
The second element, raised in my 'Harlesden' post, is design. Modern or classical, the intervention of an architect or designer means a dull design, destined to last hundreds of years, can be altered using the same materials and space to something artistic. Therefore such modern slums such as Inglian's view of Central Wembley

Housewive's Choice
Originally uploaded by inglian.
Another borrowing,

is a perfect example of how easy it is for public and private builders (apparently the local council in this example) to put up prefabricated buildings cramming in hundreds of families no differently from housing lab rats, when using the identical space designers have made isolated examples of estates which are made with thought and care. The only extra cost is in the labour of designing the buildings in advance. The building costs should be the same as you're only arranging similar materials in a different shape. But most hideous buildings are put up by large companies who have a simple design for a basic house or block, and is then repeated ad nauseam throughout the large or small plot they have bought, often knocking down decent family houses with space and greenery between them, to put them up.

Living in a slowly degenerating London is like watching cancer spread. Sometimes slowly, when a few little houses are replaced with a block of flats, sometimes quickly as in my Hampstead example. Very rarely an operation is carried out where someone (by the law of 1000 monkeys) gets it right, and in the case of my local Chalkhill estate in Wembley Park, demolish the existing monstrosity and replace it with a designed environment with space. This is the exception to the rule and at least shows it can be done.

If only Britain's builders looked at these images and points. It would be so bloody easy for every developer in the country to follow Brent's example and though it may spread buildings over a larger area, it has to be better to have a rural/urban mix than cram buildings into every corner in towns and cities with vast empty spaces in between where building isn't allowed.

Golders Green 2

The two centres of my universe are Golders Green Station and Henlys Corner. Golders Green is the central junction of both London buses and an Underground station, and wherever I went before I could drive the place I had to change was usually there, especially 7 years of school in and around Hampstead. I have been going to the shops there all my life as it lies between my old, newer and current houses. It's hardly changed but the parking there as in most of London is now almost prohibitive so I prefer to cycle to my local shops or go late night shopping when the parking's free, so I don't go there as much as I used to.

Henlys Corner became even more familiar after I moved at 5, and have passed through on an almost daily basis ever since. It's the junction where the three roads, A1, North Circular and A 598 cross, and is probably the road equivalent of Golders Green for public transport. If you're travelling by car in North London it's pretty likely you'll go through it, and I remember when there was a roundabout between the A1 and A 406 to the east, which must have gone around 1968. I'll be taking more pictures there next, so today it's the Golders Green views.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


Thanks to Sharon, I was reminded I could get detailed statistics from my hit counter, and switched the function on over the weekend. I've learnt a few things from it, though I also need to learn what the details mean. The 'unique daily hits' appear to be a dual possibility, as the figures appear to tell me each day has the same visitors coming in about 6 times. If you enter the blog that's one, and make a comment probably two, but six?
If it means new visitors (there's no button that appears to display these) that would work, but so far it seems to be telling me I have about 8-9 visitors a day (including me!) who each come in an average of 6 times. Highly unlikely.

It also doesn't appear to have a tracker telling me who visits, though it can tell me the system and browser they use (like I need to know...). But it's my first go at reading the stats and I hope someone will explain what they represent and whether 9 visitors logging in 6 times a day is typical.

The next statistic is my new bedtime, from last night. I realised I musn't switch the computer on when I came home around midnight as I'd spend an average of three hours on it whatever I meant to do. I doubt I'll be able to cut off early, so at present am having to try cold turkey, and I'll keep you informed if I can keep it up.

Otherwise I've done my business for the day, and am bloody worn out (carrying 11 packs of tiles each weighing two stone in and out of the car in pairs would be one good reason) and clearly still suffering from two really poor night's sleep last week. But I did it and am pleased I have. The errant 'leather' chair has just been collected, just after I rang them to rebook the collection. The trading standards appear to be pursuing a prosecution (as they damn well should) and I really deserve compensation as I've wasted over a day hanging about, making phone calls and sending letters and emails and still have no new chair. And they just sent me an email asking me to buy the same chair. I've had no reply from the manufacturers either so it looks like a couple of firms may be heading for trouble as no reputation will be improved by selling fraudulently.

I've seen how annoying it is leaving personal messages in blogs, so I apologise in advance, but I just want to say hello if a certain person I mentioned on Friday is reading, and I hope you liked (ie didn't have a heart attack at least) what I wrote.
So far I now have a couple of days mainly free to recover from whatever I clearly have to recover from. I am still tired and a couple of free days are the best remedy apart from the obvious. I have to sort out which stuff to get rid of from the old kitchen, wash and put away the rest, and at least now have all the parts either ready or on delivery so the builder will have all he needs when he comes next week.

I'll finally mention (as it seems to be somewhere in my profile) it's my birthday on Sunday (46). I really believe the numbers cease to matter once you realise how little difference it makes past 30. My mum used to tell me when she had friends she both inherited from her own parents, and my age, that once you grew up age didn't matter, and I've discovered that myself. Once someone's about 30 they seem to have formed more or less who they are, and experienced enough unavoidably through life that they're no longer immature (check out big brother to see the divisions I mean). The food throwers vs the clearer ups for instance. Nearly always divided by age. We just have our fill of idiocy by average 30, and veer towards peace, quiet and conversation.
I'll probably have friends round on Saturday so I'll have people with me at midnight when the date turns over. If anyone locally reading wants to join us let me know, all well-behaved readers will be welcome! I know a number of people round here (relatively) who do drop in online so it could make an interesting evening. If it becomes an orgy I'll take extra credit, and may well become a regular event. Ah well, we can dream, unless Jodie Marsh turns up...

Sunday, January 22, 2006


I believe anon has reminded me why I had become stuck in a groove of batting off judgements of myself. By starting them off it probably began by bringing all my insecurities to then surface and having to look and see whether they were justified.
There is a rule that says on the day of judgement (22nd of January 2006 in this case) there is only one judge, yourself. And after months of deliberation I will say the verdict is


Going beyond the legal requirement, I have two pretty comprehensive reasons. The first is the biggest for all, the rest is detail.

1) My heart is in the right place
2) I did my best under the circumstances. I know it’s possible to go beyond what is reasonable under pressure, but that’s going beyond the call of duty and not a requirement for adequacy.

As far as maturity and personal development goes, when I was about 3 I said how funny a woman’s face was while on the bus with my Mum. She told me it wasn’t nice to make personal remarks, and that was it. I have insulted people verbally since, but felt so guilty that didn’t last very long, and was probably provoked from what I vaguely remember. But in writing in public? That is a lot lower than whatever they criticised me for as it shows a level of development most kids pass by high school.
If my anonymous stalker really cares about reforming me, they need to read a quote at Funtrivia, you catch more bears with honey than vinegar. And what exactly needs reforming?

I can only imagine. I spent a few pages looking at whether enforced unemployment makes you inadequate, and presented the case that earning money and being a valuable person are not connected. Earning money and paying your bills are if that’s the only way you can pay them. Beyond that, fuck it. When I look back and see how my family were helped for years by me as I wasn’t working I can see what they’d have missed had I not been available (as the only child and grandchild). But even if I’d had a huge family to share the help (not that they all do in reality), not working wouldn’t automatically make me guilty (see reasons above to remind what is important). I may often be childlike in that I don't take life too seriously in many ways, and am very open (in a positive sense, but more associated with children as they are told not to be) but except for the poo jokes, rarely childish. I can see some of the reasons I get popped at but I don't think there's any useful way I need to grow up as I can see little of use that would change if I did.

If I ever want to become a guru, making me look at issues like this and try and teach both the person who raised the points, and anyone else I teach in passing may be the best way to push me into it. I rise to intellectual challenges, and lock the door to physical ones. The demons often break the door down though, but the challenges have often worn me out so much I feel if I take on physical challenges my body may wear out far too soon.

But, my problem based on experience is one of ‘cloth ears’. The sort of people who shoot the missiles aren’t able to change. They are right, and whatever you say is posted but returned to sender before consideration. I carry on as other people read this, and though the person who I originally began this post for will be guaranteed to dismiss 100% of what I write as that’s the formula.

I am sometimes tempted to do what I consider blowing my own trumpet when faced with unjust criticism, but I think if some of the points I want to raise are the same an employer would look at when deciding whether to take me on maybe it’s a time to break that rule and go ahead and blow a bit.

I think when you are trying to knock someone off their perch, try and imagine what you’ll get back when you insult someone’s intelligence. One person who tears me apart and I go back for more almost every week is Tommy Boyd. He isn’t an equal, as well as the fact had he been an equal I’d still go back for more as being objective gives anyone equal the edge to see your situation more clearly. He is a superior. He has shown he has the right to pull my life apart hair by hair, as he sees what I don’t. Anyway, apart from Tommy, where I set myself up for comment, if you’re going to punch, albeit intellectually, try and keep to your own weight. I may be physically weak as far as tasks are concerned, but when it comes to argument, bring it on. I spent bloody ages studying every possible subject designed to develop my own latent ability, meaning I don’t slip into many of the intellectual traps and cul-de-sacs many people do when arguing emotionally with little substance behind it. It can be fucking annoying to get nonetheless, but pretty easy to hit beyond the boundary (cricket term!!). Human dynamics always display everyone’s strengths and weaknesses. As the bible said (which I still don’t get) this then sorts out the sheep from the goats (I like them both though…). Those who exploit others’ weaknesses and go on about them are basically trying to hide their own as a result. Hide behind the faults of another and maybe they won’t see yours. Non-starter. It doesn’t even matter if they don’t (in fact most just don’t care either way, unlike you about theirs), because you are still aware of them, and that means only your judgement matters over them as I said at the beginning. To me, if anon or anyone else has personal issues, it’s none of my concern, unless they’re in my presence. Then I usually either gloss over them, or if that bad, get totally away from them. But as Buddhists teach, you never offer your opinion, you wait for it to be asked. Then it may be listened to. Otherwise you just become a spare grandmother, but my grandmother’s heart is in the right place so I laugh at her comments before I hit them over the boundary. If made from anger and/or malice, they are simply an unburdening of bad feelings which only your friends will possibly agree with and everyone else will feel sorry for you.

If you genuinely want to help you can’t do it like this. You appear not to care, have any compassion at all, and only seem interested in trying to bring me down to your level and hide from your own problems which must be pretty pressing if they make you behave in such a bitter and twisted way. Don’t just listen to me thinking -I’m biased- other people have mentioned it as well, you’ve become like the drunk in the street shouting at invisible people. You’ve become the Kingsbury blog’s laughing stock, not me.

If you want to gain that label (albeit anonymously, the revelation appeared to be a premature statement) fine, but unless all you want to achieve is a regular venting of hate, you’re wasting a lot of energy and words and achieving nothing beyond annoying lots of people. That’ll look good on your CV. Still, you gave me the equivalent of a mental workout in the gym. I really had to dig deep to answer your ridiculous points in a way hopefully at least all the neutrals will understand. I don’t think I got out of second gear but I don’t really believe I was dealing with the sort of opposition that could ever do more than that. Sorry, but you’ve had a lot of chances to show what you’re made of, and have never shown much of a standard beyond simple playground bullies.

Saturday, January 21, 2006


Originally uploaded by moley75.
I've never blogged a Flickr picture before, but when I recently said London combined many of the best and worst places I've ever seen, though I try and take the best ones, here's one of the best examples of the worst you'll ever see, possibly in the world.

Unfortunately Hitler's bombs were indiscriminate so left most crap like this untouched. The true owners and rulers of London not only choose to keep outdated and frightening buildings, but as showed in a recent post, are now building them like this again. Luckily Hampstead Garden Suburb (the lot) is listed, but with other areas gradually going downhill, it'll just mean the prices there will rise until only Arabs and aristocrats can afford it, like Bishop's Avenue. It's actually mainly in East Finchley, surrounded by Hampstead Garden Suburb, except for the north end, so not bound by planning regulations. This means foreign royalty build palaces there that make Beverly Hills look more like Cricklewood. No class at all there though.

A typical example.

Suburban life 2006

Following my pictures of dreadful new houses, at least occasionally someone gets it right. The rest of the road was already similar though, so hard to make much else.

Seeing so many people posting pictures of street furniture, here's a bench in Shepherd's Hill park, Highgate. Almost reminded me of the 60s.


Tommy Boyd, are you looking at this? I have found a solution to some of my blog dilemmas, simply to ask if someone minds being blogged in advance if I want to include them. Saves half a red face as the other half is when they read what you write, but I did say I only say nice things about people I know, all the venom is reserved for Jodie Marsh and others in the public eye who set themselves up for it.

So, who am I going to write about? This is someone my mum introduced me to about a year ago, and (red face alert!!) from my side clicked instantly with, something that rarely happens. She's an artist and also interested in all my spiritual and paranormal areas, and as I described in Continuity and quality here, fits that description of being 'right', though her interests don't extend to automobile trivia, number plates and ticket collecting, but I'd always been happy to pursue those interests on my own anyway! Hopefully if you are reading this, you have been at least partially prepared for whatever I may have written, and you'll be pleased to know a major issue of philosophy was also raised as I was writing this.
And that is how unusual it is for people to say nice things about others directly, and instead of being happy, the British culture is so tight arsed that when someone does pay someone a major compliment they're far more likely to be embarrassed and avoid you for the rest of eternity than actually be pleased. That is tragic, as knowing what someone you know thinks of you and it's actually nice is such a prize that it should never be ruined by the shock factor as it happens so darn rarely in this culture. Even married couples I come across will tell me how marvellous their other half is but often haven't told them. So as per bloody usual, David from Kingsbury comes along and breaks the boundary rules as if no one does they would stay around forever, so someone has to be one of the few to do the opposite, and as I said the other day, I always rise to the occasion (or bait) and thank god still have both my testicles.

So to tie in the passage with the story of today, I just spent a very nice evening at their house, as I always do, and part of that was spent on the computer and setting up my blog post about it. As I was just sent a link on to a t shirt advert on The Tommy Boyd forum saying 'I'm blogging you', which acknowledges the cultural shift where everyone has become a potential author and sees life with the additional view to will it make a good story. As my mother says, it's a pity I don't get paid for any of my exploits. I do enjoy it, but the added bonus of being able to get paid for what I do for fun would be something very useful. So, 'I've blogged you!'. For the first time (and possibly the last...) I've set myself up for a possible 'situation', but I can only tell it how it is, unless I want this to become a work of fiction, so have to be true to myself. Let's hope both my balls remain in place after this current exploit.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Had to report it

I just found a link to another blog (which I won't even bother to pass on, trust me...) which was a classic, possibly the classic 'links to other sites' blog. Pages and pages of excerpts and links to an assortment of sites good, bad and indifferent. Fair enough, absolutely no originality so has to trawl other people's material, but one post made me almost shit myself, he had a hit graph of the previous week with around...

5000 hits a day!!!

Unless he'd made it himself in access (he didn't have a counter evident) does this mean the less effort one puts into a blog (besides incessant cutting and pasting of other people's work) the more people want to look at it? In the words of the great Robbie Vincent, "I am shocked!". This guy should be worth millions if Friends Reunited is anything to go by.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Illustrated letter 2

I decided to send my own letter to the illustrated letter site as my first was in a book. Total crap but I do enjoy it.

Click to enlarge


This is the second time I wrote a particularly controversial post, pressed 'publish' and the computer went down. This time it was the modem (first time since fixed a few months ago) but either way it forced me to reconsider.

I have, and I'll write the same thing, but not in such a controversial way. I don't really want to frighten the horses.

Anyway, I realised why I get so much stick from a few people for appearing to know it all, and I will explain. I've been accused of this for most of my life, and it seems it's because I have an apparently clearer view of many of the philosophical and political situations in life many others seem to struggle with. It's mainly my intuition plus knowledge to a lesser degree, and as I spent many years training to communicate what I know, I then try and do so as clearly as possible. I just seem to see answers as simple or obvious, and wonder how many clever people seem to have so little ability to see all round these situations. As someone recently said, they have the intellect but not the wisdom. I didn't choose to be able to do this, it's just something I've discovered purely as a comparitive, as until I see the trouble so many others have with what seems clear to me I realise I appear to understand many things beyond what others do. That gets you into a lot of trouble.

Any other natural talent, art, music, whatever, you are expected and encouraged to show what you can do, and criticised if you hide your light under a bushel. But if you're aware, and not being paid for it (as I am when counselling) you're usually considered a smartarse. The internet, especially the blog, has given me my best opportunity to show what I'm made of, and unlike my art which has received a reception beyond what I expected, often when I try and explain concepts many disagree over I get told to pull my head in. Many people are driven by emotion and sometimes religion, which can blind them to many points they'd rather not hear. And opinions and beliefs only exist until we find the truth. Then they disappear as all becomes known. For instance do animals feel emotion? With mainly my intuition I can still say animals have virtually the same emotions as we do, but I can't prove it. But if a cat could talk, we'd know and be able to save years of research that could never be conclusive. I seem to be able to oversee situations, put together all the information, and come to a conclusion which seems pretty simple when I actually do it. Instead of people telling me to lay off, I'd far rather be offered discussion topics so I could see if I could come up with answers to show exactly what I could do. Some boffins get paid a bomb in think tanks and universities to do just this, but when you're doing it as yourself the credit seems to vanish.

There are people who I can usually spot very quickly who can also do this, including some 'spiritual' teachers, such as Prem Rawat and Nick Roach, and others who have taught in education, such as Tommy Boyd and Peter my biology teacher. Once I notice someone's 'got it' I'm rarely let down by them later. On the other side, many people who are the top of their profession come out with 9 year old responses to some issues, which show they may be good at their job but not generally. Just watch something like Question Time on TV to see a panel of bright sparks, and see how long it takes for one of them to let themselves down with a statement that clearly is based on a total inability to understand a point.

Well, I think that covers it, and will conclude with Nick Roach's explanation which would explain exactly why I feel in this position. He says as there's only me here and everything else is my dream, of course I'd know more about it than anyone else as it's all me!
Another technique he recommends the modem forced me to do was to write the same post without the emotion. Same ideas and concepts, but no anger. The system worked.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


I was always fascinated by flyovers as a child, and now live next to some of the largest concentrations in London, between the junctions of the Hendon Way and Edgware Road on the North Circular in Hendon. They also make pretty good shapes when photographed at different angles.


Talk about a typical scene in my life. I was told the chair probably wouldn't arrive today as I ordered late, but as it was dark and wet I decided not to risk going anywhere, and at 5.45pm the chair arrived. Downhill from there. I spotted a little tear in the fabric, revealing it was all plastic. I rang the company immediately, who said the fact the advert said leather was just 'cheeky'.
The box also says luxury leather, so the manufacturers (who I will probably name) are even worse. Having a law degree is bloody useful, as even though I'm not a qualified practitioner, most everyday legal shit that happens is covered by it (as my friends are pleased to know) and this is not a contractual but a criminal issue, as it's misdescription under the trade descriptions act. Anyway, everyone has been contacted and besides the bloody thing taking up room until it's collected on Friday (it's a huge box) I'll see if they actually bother to prosecute them, as the trading standards have full details.
So I'm still on a wobbly and dangerous chair almost as old as I am, and shown mail order isn't always the holiday it seems. That's also why I have eight bits missing from my new kitchen, though they weren't even available in store.
Otherwise the builders next door actually didn't have their radio on (will it last?), so I had a nice quiet night, and after a 12 hour day, they're still banging away there. Rather them than me. I did around a 14 hour day once when I was 21, I did survive but would prefer never to repeat it, and as it was my last day in that job I never did. Quality rather than quantity for me, please. I've been washing more and more pans from the old kitchen, apart from having most left over from my parents' divorce, ie enough for three people, I don't even cook so really have no use for 90% of it all. I won't return it all to get dusty again, but just keep what I need and see what to do with the rest. I can always keep papers and things in the cupboards instead if it leaves room, kitchen or not.

Manchester Utd are live on TV in less than an hour (why I'm writing now) so with that and two hours recorded from channel 4 while it's on I'll have my work cut out later on (ha ha). But apart from the chair fiasco which was totally unavoidable I've done OK today as it was the housework day and I did more than last time. I can see the chair lasting another 3o years now, I really can't be bothered...


My timetable is pretty regular and predictable, most days I see one of my family at some time, do bits of work now and again, and the rest of the time is on the computer, housework, going to the gym and shopping. If I'm lucky I may have someone over every week or so, and when the weather's OK I'll go for a walk or on my bike.
That's the background behind everything else, and isn't usually worth mentioning here. So whatever happens above that could appear here, big or small. Like today when my Dad was over and looking at my new photos I remembered the video I took of the same places a few years ago, and he hardly remembered any of it, and it was ages since I'd seen it.
I also had banging coming from next door around 7.30am, though luckily got to sleep again, besides having the radio on at a volume that was able to communicate with another planet. I went over to investigate and discovered in a couple of weeks the new resident will be moving in, and is a single man. A single woman would have been ideal (I know very few under 60...) but compared to a family I'm more likely to get to know him.
I've just ordered a decent office chair, the current one is about 30 years old, and I'm the third person in the family to use it. It has pins sticking out at both ends, and the sponge has gone so time for something decent at last. I bet the sods arrive at 8am with it...

On a tangent from my routine, I suspect there are women out there who wouldn't be put off by someone who's not bothered much to go out. I wouldn't ever have been, following my point on close friends, I either got on with someone or not. We stayed in, we went out, it didn't matter. Many of them stayed with me in Devon, where I went for a few weeks every year or more for over 20 years, and especially if the weather was good I lived on an estate (country estate, not council!) which was self contained and could easily spend a week without leaving it with plenty to do. That takes me to one possible ambition, inspired by Mike Reid the DJ. Some super-rich DJs like him have built a radio studio where they live and broadcast from home every day and still earn a bomb. On that tack, had I unlimited finances I'd buy a place with room for a radio studio, consulting room, separate office, art studio, snooker room (had before but not a fullsize table) with a pinball machine (also had once). Then I'd have a gym and if really rich a TV studio and recording studio. I'd rent out all the places as of course I couldn't use them all at the same time, which would mean they paid for themselves, and another place it reminded me of (name drop alert!!!) was Stanley Kubrick's house in Elstree.
Going to a showbiz-type school many actors sent their kids there, so the chances of visiting were pretty high. I went there a few times, and think I counted seven reception rooms, including a cinema where he showed everything he made privately. I never met him, as he never seemed to be around the few times I went, but just seeing the vast places the rich and famous live showed me what's possible for the rare individuals who make it big. They also had about four gardens, as behind each one there seemed to be another divided by a hedge or fence, rather than belonging to next door one just led into another. In contrast, if I hadn't converted my loft I'd be seeing clients in my open plan lounge, with two small bedrooms. Now I have a huge loft room and use my old bedroom as the office and consulting room, so all my computer shit (papers everywhere) and model cars line the room as there's nowhere else to put them (the bedroom's also full of cars, no room for more).

So the games room would display all my models, and I suppose I could have a bar and space invaders machine there as well like an American hotel (makes ours look like Camp X-Ray) and now I think a small heated pool as well. The cribs programme on MTV is full of these sort of places, though I have no idea who the Americans are who own these places, at least it shows it's possible to literally have everything if you have enough money. A four bedroom house in Hampstead Garden Suburb would actually cost the same as most of these places, as you needn't have a lot to live like a prince in the States, so they're not that rich compared to us, they just live in a very cheap country (outside a few pockets). Ours is the exact opposite. Unless you live in the north, you'll pay around $1 million for a decent detached house. More like double where I used to be. I reckon if I found one of the few plots big enough for that ambition there it would cost about £15-20 million, or $25-35 million. That's why I talk about it here- it's the nearest I'll get!

But really this house with one more person would be better than that with nobody. But both, why the hell not? We may as well think big, as one book I read tells you. But renting out studio space would bring me a full house anyway as well as the extra money, and I'd get to know all sorts of interesting people that way even if no one else actually lived there. What am I reminded of now? Neverland. He has gone even further than I ever would given the money, and if anyone thinks I've got mental problems he could trump me many times over. And still has a massive collection of obsessive fans (I know one and it's excruciating). But even I'm fascinated with him (not his music, feh!) as I was with a fairly similar (on a small scale) Jodie Marsh (now I see the similarities), and a caller on the radio tonight said she'd never seen anything like her nose. They must have crossed the plastic surgery with an entry for the Turner prize... Weird and different is always fascinating, in a car-crash sort of way, and I wouldn't want to be followed for that, but can see that if anyone sees you in that vein (they wouldn't if they met me, I'm really laid back) they can't get away either.

What I will say is that I don't hold back like most sheep do. I share almost whatever's on my mind and don't give a crap what anyone wants to judge it for, as we all have our private thoughts but few make them public. I also want people to see if I can they can. There's nothing much to hide, we all have the same two sets of equipment, 90% or so shared by both sexes, what on earth do people think they have to keep private? When a client (nothing giving away here) says they've got something really embarrassing to tell me, often after months of coming, it's nearly always something so everyday it almost scares me how tight we are here that something so ordinary is seen as so embarrassing. So I weigh the balance the other way, I always have, and the fact I haven't been shot yet for it means I carry on. I sometimes think some people would see some of my thoughts as making me inadequate and insecure, but if they're honest with themselves they probably have variations of them themselves. And possibly a lot worse, if giving a value. There is a process in counselling groups (which I've done and seen and is recognised) is secondary disclosure, where one person unloads a big problem, and instead of shock or support, half the group reveal similar ones once they've seen it's possible to. Anyone see what I'm doing? Besides never being scared of disclosure the only time I got caught out was talking too much at college and almost getting myself kicked out for it. I learnt then to keep quiet in front of certain authority figures, but that was all.

Well, I started off talking about how routine my life is, and how little has been worth reporting this week, and I slipped into Mike Read's inspiration of what I'd like to do, and somehow it ended up in disclosure. I only planned the first bit and the rest was organic, and though I (having been forced to examine my motives) write to entertain and unload, if even one person learns something that sets them free from a habit I'll be very happy.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I miss:

Test cards

Real money

Proper UK number plates

Telegraph poles

Round headlights and radiator grilles

Old buses

Proper train tickets

While I'm waiting...

OK, it also does fonts!

And sizes

and these qwertyplmiohd

It reminds me of trips we used to have in the school holidays where we were let loose on all sorts of machinery and technical stuff for our 'education'. I still can't upload a picture, but while trying found more buttons.
Mind you, had I have found these buttons first
I'd probably never bothered to learn HTML.

'I don't make the rules...'

I miss

when blogger worked...

However, when I started peeing around when it wouldn't upload pictures, I pressed, in sequence, 'preview, compose', and found this.

Automatic font colours!

To think I'd been copying in HTML codes for weeks, and kept one colour (besides one post) as it took so damn long, and they've had auto colour the whole time!

So, until I can post what I meant to I'll just have a little fun.

If you follow the button sequence you get a lovely harlequin pattern following a T

I presume T is for text, and why on earth this button isn't placed on the 'create' page goodness only knows.

It also writes in the font you actually see when posted, so you could say one misfortune led me to discovering a short cut I'd literally never have found otherwise.

Someone on a forum just asked me about coincidences, and I was struggling to think of one. I think this qualifies.

If there's really a higher power now blogger will let me post my images before tomorrow, but either way

I made a profit!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Continuity and quality

In my life I always liked to have the same good things in place, and badly missed them when they went. Once anything had become familiar and positive I preferred to keep it around me rather than many who continually look for the new. At least with each area I gradually got to know what I liked, and if present saw no reason to want anything different.

Being part of anything and adding to it has shown itself as the most interesting aspect of life to me, whether it’s a footballer’s career or people in the big brother house, while they’re at it they continue to add a new chapter each day they’re at it. Like the last day anywhere, when you know you’re leaving, isn’t it so focused that you realise how important it is and remember whatever happened as being special, whatever it was?

So this relates to every aspect of my life. I have categories, the two most important being people and places. Sadly virtually every aspect that was important to me has gone now, and I’ll relate how they arrived, as part of my theme of answers and control over life, to show how little say we have in their presence or absence in our lives.
One thing writing this (it’s one I did on paper first, I do sometimes now for the benefit of my readers…well really if I get a new idea before getting on the computer) did was, just like in therapy, allow me to discover two new aspects of my life I hadn’t been aware of before, which I’ll mention as they are pointed out.
The first big shift was at 21, when my mother left. Now in a house with just three people, two male, the loss of one, especially the only one of the opposite balancing sex, means more than in any other setup (except two people). Things had gone before, namely when I was dragged away from my comfortable and happy community at 5 to go to an anonymous place in an area I didn’t know. Gradually it become home, but I missed the old place, and only appreciated the new sometime after I’d left 28 years later. Then my little girlfriend moved a few years after we moved in, which looking back was really the closest thing I ever had to marriage. She only lived two doors away, often slept over, bathed together and even went to the loo together a few times. Imagine 8 year olds but married and that’s probably as close as you’ll get to how it was. She was a year older and bossed me around but she was closer than a sister and a lot more of course as we really began to develop a childlike relationship. That must have been the first major friend I lost, she only moved a mile away but was no longer bothered with me as she was growing up and was happy to leave me behind.

By the way, I do have a totally genuine reason for writing this today, as I saw someone for the first time in over 4 years today who was the closest thing to a family member I ever had, who has been mainly abroad for ages now but makes the odd trip back. I realised how important having the right people and things around was to me, so here I am relating it.
As well as friends, family and places, the other things that count to me are designs of houses and cars, train tickets (collected for 35 years) and TV and radio programmes and entertainers. Jimmy Savile coming into Big Brother today was also a little of my past returning, as I remember watching him on Top of the Pops when I was about 3, and he hasn’t really changed.
One thing I realised when writing this (when I’d finished, actually) was if the old is replaced by something as good or better then it’s usually fine (besides losing family members who can’t be replaced) as it’s almost as much about a minimum quality in your life. So when Ben Elton and Harry Hill replaced Peter Sellers, Frankie Howerd and Marty Feldman I didn’t mind much as he was just as good in his own way. But otherwise houses and cars have gone from a dream to a nightmare
(yes, this is what they're building again in the UK, like there weren't enough already...)

in my opinion. The worst old houses are now being imitated, whereas the amazing designs from the past in cars have been replaced by computerised designs that pay no attention to appearance, only performance.

Recent changes have been the final loss of Routemaster London buses last month, after almost 46 years of them in my world, and I took many pictures, knowing a few years ago they were on the way out. We still have a few things from my birth, like The Archers on the radio, but few strings now can be traced all the way back to 1980, let alone 1960 or before.

But people are top of my list, and the other thing I realised when writing about it was what makes a person a close friend of mine. They either qualify or they don’t. I will explain. When I was about 14 and suddenly meeting loads of new people after my discovery of clubs and discos, started thinking after a few weeks whether each new person would become a new friend. I couldn’t do a thing about it, they either made it or not. The average time they stayed friends has been 20 years. They mainly drifted away following marriage, a couple went away after leaving school and the final one went abroad exactly 4 years ago. But I met them from firstly my parents, then school, holidays (one every year in particular) and teen discos. I still meet new people but for whatever reasons none have clicked as new friends since the last regular went.
A wife to me was always another and ultimate level, and having none to compare with can only hold this out as an even higher level of person I may find correct or not if it happens. That was the relevance of my childhood experience, as I felt right being with her regardless, no judgement on either side, free to say or do anything and fully understood. I had this again when I was 15 but that was the ‘Vivienne’s fucking bitch from hell of a mother’ story from earlier on. That woman did as much as a person could to ruin my life so anything I call her is only harmless words in comparison, though she isn’t around to read them anyhow. As I said before, one person’s decision.

Old school reunions and friends reunited have helped keep a little thread going to the past, as has seeing my Mum just up the road from where I used to live, and spending lots of time in the area generally. Few of the people are left, including those I worked with (in adjoining buildings) a mile away until 1997. If I had the cash I’d just buy my old place and probably never move again, now I appreciate its total qualities.
My mental and possibly even physical health ought to improve if I’d get back some of these areas in my life, and after leaving my old house have since learned to look at any good things still in my life, big or small, and enjoy them while they’re still here. Some people prefer the new, travelling, different places and people and may never settle down. I see the good in my life, and settle with it. That makes life a lot easier if those things are there as I don’t aspire to more or new, but is a right pisser when they go. And to tie it all up, they are one thing with little or no control over. Like our dreams, even the same one can drift from dream to nightmare and back independently, and whether we realise it’s a dream or not, we are only really witnesses to it. As I said, I do what I can to bring those aspects into my life in every way I can think of, but short of buying a car plant and making the damn things my own way, or the same with houses, and beyond that I’m not going to invent a couple of new friends or make the million I need to move to the old patch or even place. I have exactly the same as we all do, what is. Probably technically fairly average, but when you’ve had the best in nearly every way (short of a partner) you know the difference each part that goes. And returns.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

A bit of fun

Jodie Marsh's artificial parts aside, I realised it was time there was a bit of contrast here or I'll have all my readers looking for a gun...

Looking back to childhood, or the part of childhood (probably about 75%) of me that is still within me, there were many simple things that fascinated and amused me, and to that 75% degree, probably still do. Rude words always worked, not the swear words but the nursery ones, poopoo, biggys, jobs and the like. Reminds me of the recent story from one of my mum's friends when asked by a Nigerian nurse waiting for a stool sample 'Have you had a shit yet?' and replied 'We like to call it something else here, like bowel action'. I don't care what you call it, it's usually funny.

Animals depositing such presents indoors was also highly amusing, whether it was a visiting dog or a friend's cat, like when I was about 14 and my friend's brother walked in the room and said 'The fucking cat's shit in the basin again!'. Life just going slightly out of control for a moment before slipping back to normal. No fun now, as it's usually me who has to clear it up, but back then we could witness it all without a care in the world. Not to say my life's driven by lavatory humour and other bodily functions, at least, not totally. But nature apparently introduced some humour into its unavoidable processes, though most women seem totally immune to it. But this isn't supposed to be yet another psychoanalysis session, though without an outside influence reminding me what I'm writing about it's so easy to slip into it.

We had a great game when I was a bit older, who could make me laugh the most. My friends would think of words and then time how long I laughed for. The two top winners were anal hamburgers and hairy wilburs. Go figure. So what else does the job? When you see anyone you thought was straight and dead boring and then catch them laughing at a fart or blowing their nose on their sleeve. It means they're human, and maybe more people I thought were deadly dull actually had a hidden fun loving side after all if they did.

Other choice phrases that crack me up are things like road apples, donkey drops (bowling in cricket so the ball drops slowly in front of you as if it's come out of a donkey's arse), as well as playground songs like 'It's wet and it's runny and it's not very funny, diarrhea, diarrhea'. To conclude, I will try the laugh test. Be honest, how many of these got at least a snigger, if not a complete hearty belly laugh? If the answer's quite a few, join the poopoo club!

Motions, horse's motions, business, runny business, very runny business, plop plops, horse's plop plop's, donkey dung, caca, pony and trap, budgie poopoo, pigeon poopoo, excreta, droppings, pony cack, mucus, enemas, suppositories, back-scuttle, trots, stinky-poos, let-offs, windy bottoms, loose motions, faeces, big jobs, air biscuit, make wind, winkle, willy, knob, horse's hang-down, whoopsies, pisspots, loo seats, toilet rolls, rectums, number twos, ladies front bottom, smegma, and don't forget to pull the chain.

Apparently I've always been an attention-seeking exhibitionist. My aunty recently told me when I was about 3 her parents were over and busy talking, and I took my willy out and said 'Look at my penis!' as no-one was taking any notice of me. Little has changed, just other things have (usually) taken the place of my penis. You can't escape the mould, however hard you pretend you have.

No answers?

One reason I have discovered I write my blog and post certain questions on forums is hoping I'll find answers to questions of life which relate to apparently insoluble problems.

Tommy Boyd asking reasons has clearly helped raise this answer, and I present him with them as well as out of all the people I've come across, he is one of the few who can see from a higher viewpoint than everyone else, and if anyone has the answers, he's one. All the answers I look for come from a personal and general sense of helplessness over certain circumstances. Some people advertise (and charge heavily) for apparent answers to these, but they are actually answers to how they intend to pay their mortgage.

My research is beginning to point to the result that such answers do not exist. Many people offer direct or indirect suggestions, but none appear tried and tested or are presented with any certainty. So do I curl up in despair at the human condition or keep moving along? Probably a bit of both.
So I am faced with the equivalent of an incurable disease. Life appears to have generated a number of situations that have no direct ways out. They are probably all aspects of the same one, as I was driven more by a general sense of helplessness than any specific points, so have had to try and work out specifics so people can see the areas I mean. It could change and I may have missed some, but these are a few:

A quick direct method to fix depression or anxiety

A way not to be alone

Does life have a point, like a good film, where all the pieces end up fitting together and showing you what it was all about?

Are there people who really know the truth about other dimensions or are they just deluded or lying?

Can you make anyone feel better when they're in trouble, the way doctors can give you a shot for some symptoms? leading to

Why are so many medical symptoms (as opposed to illnesses) untreatable, where doctors say you just have to wait and tough it out?

I think that's a fairly thorough (and depressing) list, and though religions use God to divert the attention from reality, I'll only accept God's direct message and not through a third party. I have plenty of evidence for 'more', but not particuarly of a good nature, just a higher level of abilities. No benevolent influences that keep us out of trouble, stop us getting more than we can handle (old religious cliche), stop us suffering once we've learnt a lesson from it, etc etc.

I feel like a parent with a sick child, where doctors can't help either and the child looks at me for help. Apart from be there, what more can we do, me and the doctor? Like illness, many of these situations (besides the esoteric ones) change over time, but not from any of our doing. Tablets often help mental states, but not instantly.

People who have had near death and out of body experiences are the best source of these answers, as many no longer suffer these conditions having seen what they describe as a parallel world and beings there to help us (though I don't see much evidence of it). They no longer fear death as they believe that was where they go next and therefore not only are they never alone (as they see themselves surrounded by the other side once revealed) they feel safe and contented. It's a definitely real phenomenon as enough people see things elsewhere while stuck in bed, which are verified as soon as they report them. It's usually the devil's own job to achieve at will, as apparently we aren't designed to do this officially, and have to force our awareness away from our bodies over months of practice on average. I wouldn't try drugs personally, unlike Graham Hancock, who advocates a potent brew of extremely nasty stuff as the 'best way' to do it. No Graham, if I want to see the 'other side' I don't intend to do it by almost dying to do it. It may be a direct method but please, drugs are never used unless the side effects are less than the benefits created. If he wants to go through hell to get to heaven that's his choice, I put my tick against his view.

I'm one person in a series of millions now and through history with these questions, and I suppose like the combined searches for God and what happens after death, have found they lie in a dead end. Are my slightly less demanding searches destined to turn up the same result as the big two? I don't have the answer of course, though I suspect it will, I continue to ask others just in case. But then if life was made that easy we'd never have to work for anything, which is one argument life was 'designed' not to be too easy to fix. Sounds like a very hot place to me if that's true, which is a related issue I'd decided as well, but not for this box.