Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Wednesday off

This was my day off this week, and I started by takingthe photos seen in the previous entry, among others. I then decided that I had enough scope to pay the small amount for a Flickr Pro account, also as I am in so many groups people would miss out if I didn't keep adding to them as well as my own album. I'm in the process of adding many photos I couldn't include now I have the space, and started a new group just for paths.
Though I didn't see anyone today it was a nice day, sunny most of the time though still pretty cold for the last day of May. Even little things like getting some nice new chocolate biscuits makes a difference, in fact combining the little things with the right people are what have made some of the best moments in my life.

I'm free all day tomorrow as well, which after today's external activities aim to finish the painting and article and then do some gardening. Of course if a woman turns up it will be even better, and it can happen though the choice of woman isn't usually within my own preferences... My grandma's made incredible progress since having her kidney out on Friday. She sounded like her usual self for the first time today and may be leaving hospital at the weekend for a week in a nursing home. For 96 it shows what I've discovered, age is only half or less of a factor in health, as it is in appearance. Older people needn't get tired more easily and I now see variations between people my own age who look between 25 and 60. I will be filming the TV programme now on the 12th of June and add any new data here as usual. Besides the relative fame if it also eventually leads to paid work I'll be very pleased as my method has always been to get money from as many sources as possible so if one dries up there are always others, and it works.

For a change (OK, only because Big Brother's started) I won't go on, but I may be back...

Local photos- East Finchley

Three views of the area I grew up in.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Total freedom

Yes, it's not often I can say that. I had a few hours of total freedom, which I technically still have except I've just been told my new car may need a new gearbox, which cast a bit of a shadow over the picture, though it is guaranteed. I still need to get it checked and see whether 5th gear is buggered and will need the whole thing replaced if worn out.
On the plus side I discovered the DVD situation meant that computers pre 2005 can't read modern DVDs. I tried various ways and the stuff is saved and I should also be able to save most of it on CD so I can read it anywhere.

There's little to report of actual activity, I am about to type and add the material to my article after this, and may well finish it before bedtime. Tomorrow if I can be bothered I've got some more photos I can take as it's my free day this week, though Flickr was full I'd switched the images for other sites to a new album, and freed up a whole 5 pictures, with 3 left to fill. My next task is to discover whether I can save video clips from the internet like images or I'd need someone to email me them as attachments. There must be a way and so far it looks as if you pay for it you can get a tool from Real Player but I'm buggered if I'll be shtupped into wasting my money like that.

Otherwise it's a simple freedom, even the jobs I have to do are nice ones, and I reckon I've deserved that as it's the first break I've probably had for months. No plans or expectations as I now realise it's me on my own and anyone who comes in I like is in their power not mine. It has been, as predicted, a cold month. It was about 14' yesterday and today and I have my vest on as I type. The heating bill has for the first time generated 2 winter maximum bills in a row from November to May. I'm still wearing my winter coat grade 2 (over 5') and am wondering if I was correct that our summer was the day last month as I reported. I'm learning to drop my imagination and never again expect anything in life to be different to how it is. Technically I have discovered I am an overall acceptable partner for enough women and any failures behind me are not my own fault. In fact most were before I was that phobic and they simply didn't want me even if I could offer the lot. If someone likes you most will overlook any fault if it's not directed against them. In the end I have now left it to others to pick me. I have my list of acceptables, and the first who wants me gets me. I have no real preference, and just the chance to take any of them would be enough for me and I can't see any reason to reject any who wanted me. At my age any person is going to have collected some scars and I expect many women over 40 will be able to compete at a fair level.

So that's all there is technically, plus a firm date for my 2nd TV filming. It seems that being a rare person in a specialised field is the best way to become famous with no connections. You can be incredibly talented at other things but when you are doing something common like singing it's all about promotion. But interviewing people who may have been abducted by aliens with qualifications is not something many qualified people would bother to do. Once the article is written it'll be nice if accepted, as few people read the magazine it includes some top academics. Now that, I reckon, is where the requirement for qualifications matters. Anyone can do research, but if you're not a graduate (minimum) no one is likely to bother to take your stuff unless you're a journalist. I'm using my background to break into journalism through writing about anything I can until people want to use it. I find the more I write the more I can. I turn out 6 pages in half an hour without a break once inspired (with a pen, that is), and tap many ideas if required. Find what you're good at naturally and exploit it. And qualify in it if possible.

At the bottom line no details matter. If you're content in life it doesn't need too many outside circumstances to create it. For me a simple nuclear family and regular income is all I want, with a few psychic powers to add excitement. Bollocks to that as an ambition, hardest thing on earth in reality...

Monday, May 29, 2006

Known and unknown

I’ve had a few days free to get my thoughts together, and have been able to assess more or less where I stand. On the pleasure side little is known. I have no idea when and how it will arrive, all I know is a provisional date for a TV filming (which I’m not sure will be shown in the UK) and a 5% chance with a woman I know at a later date.
The only area I see as offering anything back for the effort I put in is still the supernatural. Despite seeing people apparently manipulating matter with their minds and speaking to aliens through human subjects, I have nothing known more than telepathy, clairvoyance and aura vision. Healing also works and I do know energy can be sent across any distance but yet to know what this energy can do. But when I consider the number of educated non believers I realise just by a few hours of research anyone can know nearly all I do and never doubt certain powers are definitely real. You can’t test anything in a laboratory that can’t be physically measured like thoughts or feelings, so each person will have to witness a demonstration themselves before they’ll know. And I don’t mean hearing a reading from someone else, which they can all say is a trick. I mean actually do it themselves. I show people in a few minutes and the less open minded almost cack themselves in fright when they get things correct.

One known is what’s up with my DVD burner. It turns out any computer made before 2005 can’t read the format. Bugger that for a lark. The good news is I needn’t return to the dreaded PC World, EVER! I can now burn all my files and videos to DVD and just be careful where I try and watch them, but my own computer is fine as the burner acts as an external reader as well. The staff could have mentioned this when selling the stuff though as it affects nearly everyone and took me three days to learn what they could have on a sign.

So, there’s a blank canvas ahead. I’ve fixed my teeth, computer, garden, mother’s garden, car sale and purchase, done and sold a painting, had all my medical examinations and treatment and taken lots of nice photos. Unless something else falls apart in my house or body I think the main crap has been sorted out, and it’s an adventure in limbo to make something of the time I have. The first item is to finish the second commissioned painting, then to finish and send off the article for the slightly higher circulation magazine than anything I’ve written for before. It’s all written but just needs some data added from my files before the final version is typed. Beyond that I will let drift as it will whether I try and aim anywhere or not. If my health improves (illness has given way to almost chronic tiredness, which is a definite improvement) and the panic attacks wear off (as tiredness gives me little resistance to outside circumstances) there will be many more things (mainly social) I can do. Unless the next woman I meet appreciates the person more than where they go, like I do. Miracles do happen but are not anything you can rely on.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Stress from London

Firstly apologies where due. I did some research today, and called PC World who explained the W means you can write over old stuff and were fine. I spent the afternoon testing and eventually discovered the whole batch of 10 discs was buggered, as a decent disc I had already not only burned perfectly, but at 48X speed. Besides the mysterious crashing of windows (about 4 times now) and the internal error bootup message with no information as to source the burner is working.
I presume the error is connected with the new software, and though I've frozen and scrambled the data many many times from new software I've never had a total system crash in windows 98 or XP till this little sod arrived. The discs have to go, while I'll get the same ones I had already I still have the ridiculous wait for service at the notorious returns desk, which I've used literally every time I've used the shop. Never again. Local shop every time now where the same person takes the money and gives advice and service. What the hell can they do to make dvds not work? Anyone have ny theories?

Otherwise it's been a standard week, lots of rain, very little business and not as much sleep as I need. I said to my mum that it seems that mental and physical power seems to be given evenly to most people, and the more of one they get the less of the other, and I could see myself slowly becoming like Stephen Hawking... The trouble was I was being serious. If I'm this worn out at 46 it's clearly not age related, my body has just decided whatever I've been through was too much for it and it would rather live in a distand community with servants looking after its every need. London in the 21st century is different from 30 years ago and more. Everything is harder. If you travel anywhere it takes longer, and god forbid when you need to use a public service like the council or doctors the waits are third world in many cases. We used to watch the news in Africa or the old Soviet Union and feel relieved we had everything so easy. The differences are closing. We're slowly dropping and they're partially improving. At worst they'll stay the same and the west will catch up. My supervisor said Londoners are coming down with more and more stress related illness, as overcrowding affects most animals with the desire to move or thim out the population by murder.

If you live in a distant place with everything in a small community there are few chances for stress of that sort. Most needs are within a short distance and easy to get to. PC World is a distant memory from your trip to the city 5 years ago and you couldn't buy anything there as it would take 10 hours to return it at a cost of about £100 travelling the next day when it didn't work. Crowded noisy eating places would be impossible if the population wasn't big enough to generate a crowd. Those hillbilly diners they have in films where the inbred locals play pool and goose the waitress and the sherriff went to school with you is the sort of place that appeals to me. Not the people but that sort of hangout. Like an extended family. I suppose Wales may have a few places like that but they only talk Welsh to exclude the foreigners from going there. But England (apart from Cornwall which is very similar to Wales) is never far from urbanity. Few far flung towns aren't isolated enough not to need a weekly trip to the big smoke somewhere with its multi storey car parks, shopping malls the same as those 7000 miles away in California and one way systems. The island is simply too small for those small communities which survive independently of nearly every other place unless you're dying.

If such places existed in England I'd be on the verge of considering it, though as I'm single would never fit in as I tried in Oxford and realised everyone was quite happy with who was there and didn't need anyone new at 30. I'm sure Oxford's gone a similar way to London, as everywhere else seems a smaller clone. Woking, Lewes, Luton, just little copies with sleazy piss covered concrete walkways just like Wembley Central, no on-street parking, blocked road entries everywhere, and huge superstores on the ring road for the sheep. IKEA are slowly spreading from the original one shop up the road from me to insidiously loom over every town with more than 250,000 by the end of the century. OK, I actually like IKEA and half my furniture is from there, but the uniformity is mind numbing, and when I saw the same shops in Miami as Brent Cross in 1995 I realised if you wanted to go shopping anywhere on earth you'd probably have the same choices now wherever you were (except Britain, who only gets the fag-ends as we are a smaller market). That comes from working in a sports shop and discovering they only sell the most popular (as in bland) stuff here as it's not worth selling any more.

Basically London was tolerable till maybe 1990 or so, but it's not the place I'd change but the time. I stayed in the same place but the place went downhill. Where are the victims of overcrowding supposed to go? If it's hard fitting in 50 miles away I'm not going abroad. America wouldn't have me and I won't even start on any of the other options. People get stuck on the North Circular for hours when it's closed three times this week due to accidents and think it doesn't addect them. But the second, third and subsequent times it happens they slowly start feeling not quite right. Then it's got them, and they'll be on the way to catching me up. People are all human, and whatever you think not immune to stress. It just takes time to show.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Two fingers to PC World

Before I go into the rest of it, what's the difference in buying from a superstore and a local shop? The superstore has choice and the shop has service. The totally useless prats at PC World Staples Corner first made me queue up at returns as the nice but silly woman on the checkout told me my new dvd burner was external, and as soon as I got in the car it said in tiny letters 'internal'. Eventually the staff behind the returns desk drew a straw to decide to serve me, and I had to swap the burner and dedicated blank dvds. The shelves had nothing on them to indicate what each item was, and 'external' and 'internal' were either in a tiny word on the bottom of the box or not mentioned at all. The external one I did find cost nearly double the others, and as soon as I got home and hooked all the usual shit up (it needs a mains lead which crosses half the room) I burned the first load of pictures and when I put the dvd in the drive said 'no disk'.

What's the difference between a working dvd system and another long visit to PC World returns? A 'W'. Yes, everything between success and total failure rested on a letter W. The trouble is the totally useless spastic at the returns desk was supposedly qualified to sell computers and I wasn't qualified to buy them. So though the woman at sales correctly identified the Philips unit that had to go back needed special dvds, but not whether the unit was internal or external, the twat at returns was totally happy to sell me the pack of blank dvds I picked, though mine had a W on them. To my burner this was like putting a pig's penis in a Jewish bride. It reacted with such venom my computer restarted three times over and the fourth attempt with a different software finally posted an error message 'wrong dvd'. It didn't say what was wrong with it except the box said R and the dvd said RW.

Part two coming. Will PC World accept the 10 useless dvd RWs back as I've opened them, considering they should have known they didn't go with the burner. It's not the £10, I can absorb that, but the sheer pointless waste of time having to spend another trip queuing up to get it back and still can't use my burner till it's sorted out. If anyone wanted to buy them I'd just get the right ones, but what are the chances of anyone needing to burn 10 movies in a format clearly no one else wants?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Free again

Rain but freedom. Only one client today otherwise a copy of yesterday, including the almost constant rain. A friend turned up first which broke the monotony of yesterday's almost total isolation, then I used the short break between heavy periods, I mean showers, to cycle to the shop to get some essential supplies.
I've been working on the picture in between, and for the first time (as I usually cover it), so the cat managed to walk her wet paws right across the painting. As I was only at a relatively early stage there was no detail to ruin, thank goodness. It's now totally pouring with rain, Lucy is sitting in the porch, and I had to leave the front door open for her as she wanted to go out but won't sit in the rain. The stray tabby who eats all her food (with her permission as well) is sitting in the kitchen as well due to the weather. He may hate humans but likes what we can provide for him...

Despite giving up trying to teach anyone anything unless they ask first, one area I can't avoid going on about as it affects my life is the myth of global warming. I've explained why on my site, so all I'll add here is a professor in Australia both explained how scientists are paid fortunes by governments to falsify data to pretend it matters, but that temperatures have been independently shown not to have increased for years by East Anglia University. And many places will show that carbon dioxide levels have not always been related to temperature rises, in fact usually the opposite.

The wise professor who refuses to follow his fellow career-minded sheep has said exactly the same things I have, but backed up with his own professional science as well as seeing the way pro-warming reports break down into nothing. Here is an example:

Each such alarmist article is larded with words such as “if”, “might”, “could”, “probably”, “perhaps”, “expected”, “projected” or “modelled” - and many involve such deep dreaming, or ignorance of scientific facts and principles, that they are akin to nonsense.

He goes on to explain the mechanism where scientists are encouraged to look for anything supporting the theory, and then supplies a list of reasons why they are incorrect. If I change one person from believing in the fairyland view of man-made global warming wrecking the planet I will have done a good job as the governments, despite their huge media power, are liars. A few of us can see it, and even if the temperatures did go up a little (which is all they're actually saying might happen, nothing actually has yet remember) the winners would definitely outweigh the losers as change (as in 'what exactly is the world's correct climate?') is all we get. Some benefit, some lose. And being in a civilised country with uncivilised weather (14' or so at the end of May) I welcome it with open arms, except I'd be 175 before any of these supposed disasters would actually become apparent.
With Africans all tearing each other's guts out in Sudan, Rwanda and Zimbabwe (unless they've stopped recently) and famines in many where they aren't at the moment all the money they're ploughing into global warming propoganda and meetings they could probably have fed Africa for the forseeable future. That is the real cost, in what they could be spending the money on for people who are suffering right now. It is a truly tragic con, and one few people are prepared to work against, so it's the one exception in my programme of education as I am taxed and restricted by all this shite. We could have lower water bills in London, but our desalination plant was blocked by the Mayor to 'avoid global warming'. It's my money that's being stolen by these lying bastards so I will work on this crap as long as I can use a typewriter, and maybe one day someone will thank me for it.

Kingsbury day off

Pooh- who needs money...

I need rest or I won't be able to make any money if I'm not careful. Anyway, today was a free one from beginning to end, I started with blog entries and for both of you who wonder what I did by the end of the day, here it is.

My cleaner whizzed around in the background, I was stuck here and due to lack of English am unable to have more than a three word conversation with her, however much I'd like to (and maybe she would). Then it becomes a blur, as in what must have been a few more hours doing whatever I have to do on the internet, trying to get my Windows validated since the update said I had to, and also did another online/phone interview with a TV producer as I said.
I really don't remember leaving the room except to pee. I still have a pile of trivial nonsense to do such as a quiz involving predicting every detail of sport during the summer football holiday (besides the world cup, which in 2002 which is the only one I ever won on placing with the final winning position). So long at the computer and only just started what I had to do. Anyway, 8pm (TV time) seemed to arrive suddenly and by 10pm after my father had arrived to pick up some articles I'd run off for him I was back here again.

I was going for a walk at 11 until an expert on the bible was on the radio till midnight, and I learnt quite a lot, taking a reduced walk and filling in the main colours on my painting (as promised) before returning here. The bottom line though is how I feel, and whatever the details it felt like a good day. There were a few little phone calls as usual but so trivial not worth mentioning in detail. If the cat could talk she'd provide a better conversation than most. Using the facilities available becomes an art in itself. There's no point saying 'if' I had x y or z, as I don't. I can be elsewhere but I can't get any more than I have by choice. So as 'here' is better than most places I remain here and know enough people who would come here if they had the chance. The few friends I used to visit are long gone one way or another or I'd do that as well, but that's the way things are so I stay here.

On my personal speculation (anyone remember Crossroads, which kept me watching most of my life to find out what happens next) I've realised finding the details of my friend's email why he is staying in America will be so disappointing and depressing I may as well never know. He won't be coming back, I know that, so that's it. Being told why, and it won't be before 4,6 or 8 years won't be any better. So I've decided to forget the business and not care the fact each day the promised email doesn't arrive and why.

So, God or the angels aren't going to drop a female companion in my lap, my luck isn't good or bad as such a concept is false, and anything I'd like to shift to free up my pleasure in life won't just because I'd like it to. In business and academia I knew how much I could control my fate, and then realised the opposite to be the case for pleasure. Sure I can be like God creating a constant stream of work, writing, painting, music, photos, etc, but without someone with me I'm like a robot manufacturer just making things as I'm programmed to, but not able to mix with anyone most of the time. I do my best never to look back and know I've wasted time as I appreciate it too much. I know how to waste a week or year by letting myself drift, and that's not going to happen. I do what I can, and the rest is outside my control. But how I'd like for just one thing to shift, whatever that was.

I'd assume my life would shift a gear if:

One of the hundreds of desirable single women I knew decided I was good enough for them.
Whatever secrets the governments have about aliens/related subjects leaked out.
I had an income guaranteed long term (including working from home for an employer).
I was invited to move in with friends or family (and my cat).
I had one of those irreversible meditation experiences.
I could switch my aura vision on at will.
I found someone to pay me to write.
I could get the £400,000 extra to buy our old house which is for sale after 13 years.
I found there was life in other dimensions.
I could have out of body experiences.

I'll stick this on Funtrivia now and see what other people would wish for.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Not the news

Speculation is truly the disease of uncertainty. When you have little happening you speculate on the few things that might happen (eg global warming). So the slightest chance I may have with a woman I prefer to think about that, despite no real action, rather than look at the desert in front of me. News relies on this weakness. When there isn't much they search around for stories about 2012, global warming in 2100, men turning into women from contraceptives in the water etc etc., which are not only not news, but a sign of mental retardation if accepted. Besides the other set of pointless surveys- 'People crossing roads less carefully than they did in 1965', 'Women prefer a Mars bar to a blow job' etc., we are bombarded by the media by irrelevance masquerading as important facts. Trust me, there's more substance in a post in my blog than any of that shite. I have no requirement to fill time or pages, and needn't write at all if there's nothing to say. They have, and would prefer to distract the public with stories about badly behaved children than lose any money on sales. On TV they have alternatives so if the news was thin they could cut it by 5 minutes. No one would even notice. The newspapers could have more of a magazine format with fiction and educational features which are far more interesting, and restrict actual news to whichever really happened instead of inventing it. The trouble with that is Mr and Mrs average IQ actually treat it all as equal, and say things like 'Isn't it terrible how many sausages people eat in Newcastle' or whatever nonsense arrives on their doorstep pretending to be news. There's clearly so little discrimination between real and ersatz news otherwise the papers could never get away with including the fluff which takes over a higher and higher proprtion of the paper each year. And since Murdoch bought it, in the Times as well.

As I'm on the subject, why Iraq? I mean by that, like Northern Ireland the forces are occupying an area to stop (or in Iraq's case encourage?) terrorism. OK, Northern Ireland is a foreign land really, at least inaccessible from Britain as much as any other country abroad. We had 30 years of that every day on the news which was as much value as the lottery results in Tuvalu. But slightly less exciting. Now we have headlines every time a fucking bullet or grenade goes off in Iraq. Why? It's thousands of miles further than Ireland, and surely only the Iraqis are concerned and affected by it. I'm not. And sorry guys, I'm really not interested. Just because, with many other countries, our troops are there it's still not my concern. Petrol prices, however, are. Road charging, criminal gangs from abroad, asylum seekers being given benefit as we won't let them work, these all affect me. Only the Daily Mail appears to consider them news, besides probably the Express. Blair and Murdoch have quietly agreed to gloss over any real shit happening on our doorsteps and fill the papers with anything else to distract the morons from the real issues at home. You don't even need brains to see the difference, but so few people do. I'd call it brainwashing but clearly the people who fall for it all have no brains to wash.

Early entry

Arriving here before I actually do anything else (listening to a radio archive before it's removed tomorrow is a good excuse), there's plenty to do from a list of nice things for a change, plus the chance of a not so nice which I'll ignore for the moment.
Looking back over the last 4 weeks I'm pleased with myself. Apart from a successful car purchase and sale, I've had more work than usual, sold a painting, done plenty of gardening for two gardens, renewed my annual professional accreditation, got all my shopping done, spent a day on an alien abductee regression (including meal breaks!), and of course spent many hours in the gym. So I shouldn't feel guilty or imagine I can't do much as I seem to have done regardless.

I can do without any stress though. I'm still pretty tired a lot of the time, though as long as it's only tiredness I think my health won't be so much in question. It would seem if I just took a week off, no work, shopping, going anywhere or doing anything I reckon most of the tiredness would go, and that's pencilled in if I need it rather than a blood test (which option would you prefer?). I honestly believe if my health rethurned I'd accept a lot more and certainly expect a lot less from life as apart from the regularly reported creative work done by people forced to stay at home, I really need to rely on my body again. Whether it's looking for trouble or not I'll find out, but I've just found the dedicated anxiety forum, which will either reinforce my attitudes or feel normal regardless of them. I will see.

Waiting for anything uncertain uses up a lot of concern. Making a profit is so rare for me that any hint a profit may be possible in the pleasure area, and then knowing there's an indefinite wait not to get the profit, but find out if it's even possible. If that's hope there isn't a lot really. I repeat my own knowledge of the pleasure market puts the current chance at 5%, though current clues appear to raise it I won't be distracted by false signals, which almost lost me my career once... Well it could have done...
In America, as I've discovered, when a woman is friendly at least half the time she's coming on to you, and usually does, just as a man does. If I lived there I'd have been married by 26 as the women there act like human beings. In general that is. It shows it's not me, but the fucking cultural deficiencies of Queen Victoria's Britain (far more alive than the spirit of Jesus), where if a woman here is nice to you they want something. Bloody stupid really. So not only have I had to learn one lot of false signals, but realise they only apply to certain people. Talk about needing a degree in communications.

I really wonder if my friend in Florida reads this. The value he put on my wishes clearly dropped away with distance, why tell me he's going to read the judgement on a specific day and then disappear? That's not cricket, and just because he's no longer in England shouldn't stop him playing by our rules. Fair play means sticking to what you start, and after plating cat and mouse since january, giving a specific final date for revelation 5 months late and then ignoring it is not fair or necessary. OK, I never say this to him, it would make no difference besides ruining the friendship, so what's the point? So I vent here and if he reads it I'd expect a reaction at least.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Ideas and extremes

A few themes today. First and best being my obsession with an unattainable woman. One of the ones I mention from time to time at the gym, who has this site but I suspect has never read it, so I’ll take a risk. Watching her from a distance yesterday I could see the difference between the quality and everyone else. Anything with her would be the real thing, where doing everything with most women is like eating dry bread for lunch. It made the difference so perfectly clear I knew exactly what I had to wait for, probably for the rest of my life, and am alone now as I refused anyone well below the standard. What would be the point? I’d only look at other women just as I do now but wouldn’t be able to even try them. I was wondering why she hadn’t married her boyfriend and it was because he didn’t want to be tied down. My god! They have every other tie imaginable, but he still won’t make the final move. I would right now. Besides the looks she is totally different from all my previous targets, but in practice we seem to get on, which is the true test. I wouldn’t complain about all the obvious faults she must have as they don’t overweigh the good ones. I am now somehow going to get the rumour that I like her around the place so she hears it as if it came out by accident, like the government do. Why shouldn’t she know? It’s not as if I can lose any respect she already has for me, as we don’t choose who we like and I’m not married, or is she for that matter. If she was I wouldn’t even look at her. I learnt to become blind to married women after three attempts made minor inroads but each stopped well short of being unfaithful, though the first said she was leaving her husband before I made my move. She never did.

With no real woman in my life the only way I can remind myself what I’m missing is getting caught up with an imaginary scenario with a real woman, just like an imaginary friend but with qualities that are real and in another universe I may have got in there before the current boyfriend, assuming she wants someone 20 years older than her that is… I think every woman in the past who discovered I liked them from a distance avoided me like I had bird flu once they found out, and as I have nothing to lose from my current score of ‘nil’ may as well let the cat out of the bag after about 2 years of obsession and see if she looks at me in a funny way each time she sees me, or like the others gets out of the way altogether in total disgust. But that wouldn’t have been created by knowing as it would only demonstrate how she felt the whole time, she just would no longer be hiding it.

I have a knack of raising the most negative emotions in women I like, something I’ve done since I was about 12 and joined a mixed school. The ones I ignored or had as friends threw themselves at me, where I either accepted out of convenience or rejected, and whatever I did they followed me around. But once an interest is present they respond with a total hostility I’ve seen continually for over 30 years, with no more than a psychic cause. Just as when I connect my power supply with the wrong polarity, there’s nothing wrong with it or the appliance, they’re just connected backwards and need rewiring to be compatible. I can’t rewire women so how on earth can I rewire myself to give off the vibes I don’t care (equals success) when I do?
On a moral question (one I believe I have the answer to but wonder what others think), where a woman’s with a man but not married, are they not fair game for a man who would marry them? Or even not, as their current one clearly doesn’t really care enough? It happens all the time, but so many people still disapprove, often before it happens to them!

On a tenuously related topic I wondered what would happen if god forbid I became totally housebound? Some people are, and from my side I couldn’t care less if it did, I’d only be concerned about the health issue that caused it. I wouldn’t feel trapped there simply as a) I did all the things I want to already in the big wide world and though some were ok they weren’t such a big deal to miss them, and b) I have made my house such a centre of activity it would be difficult to get that bored as I have nearly anything besides a snooker table I would want to keep myself occupied for the rest of my life if necessary. There are enough housebound people and their friends are bound to sort themselves out into leavers and stayers, the stayers will get used to them and accept their situation, and see them as they would before. You don’t have to be 90 to be stuck indoors unfortunately, and so far I’ve escaped the worst clutches of my health problems, but wondered if it took over how my social life would be affected?
Of course with unlimited money I’d have my vast country estate complete with every facility including art and recording studios and heated pool. Like when I had a little snooker table many people would turn up at all hours, and not usually to see me. Luckily I am still relatively mobile but as the worst case scenario it’s better to formulate it in my mind so I needn’t worry about it happening as a reality. I reckon I’d be the least bothered, it would be the friends and relatives expecting me to turn up for their family funerals and celebrations who would feel they’d lost out (like they really needed me there) and that is squarely their problem not mine.

So today I’ve imagined a best and worst case scenario, where in reality I’m in between. As some mystics would say none matters as it’s all part of the dance and play of life, which is an illusion anyway. I’m only playing a part and in reality my awareness is all there is, everything else being within it for my own entertainment, until it stops being entertaining (which it did some time ago). That’s only the average, as the downs now easily outweigh the ups, but as there’s little reason for that to change (unless they find a way to fix me with no effort from either side) I will continue to look for other ways out.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Hope and inspiration

With 101 jobs to do around the house on a free day before I go to the gym, I did 2 and came here instead. I've got a heck of a lot done in the last few weeks (clients, car sale and gardening to start with), which is mainly done now besides the ongoing gardening which I enjoy anyway. Apart from a £300 gas bill (hardly unusual but the second in a row almost which is unusual and down to a massive price rise) and the video predictably ignoring Neighbours which I set it to record yesterday it's a normal day and I slept right through last night, which may happen once every couple of months.

One other element that came from the hypnosis session on Thursday was another message spirits are real, as well as multiple parallel dimensions. The best indication is to have psychic surgery which uses both as is done by spirits and can't be done without using a form of parallel dimension to work inside from the outside, though there's more to it than that. There aren't many psychic surgeons around but as a reiki healer with a sheet of instructions I'd better be one myself which must be easier than looking for one. Meanwhile I sit here now looking at the new car outside, which is something of a great relief I found something not only as good, but so cheap after getting the latest bill. I've still never spent over £2000 on a car and never really got a dud one besides the one where the back half split off when I put it on a jack. But I got rid of it quick enough...

One benefit of placing my problems on paper/screen is I can organise them for answers. One majorly important conclusion was regarding my own sanity. It's been questioned more than once but now I realise the two answers. One, if you remove me from any claustrophobic situation I'm saner than most. That's a genetic oversensitivity to stress and can hardly be called insane if I want to avoid such situations unless my tablets protect me. Two is the nature of how my mind works isn't any form of social inadequacy. Having an affinity for other people and being unable to speak to them 99% of the time means I only make the most of what else I can do. It's what anyone else does when locked up only I'm technically not. But I don't talk to myself or have imaginary friends...

The current theme besides making the most of the freedom is the direction the uncontrollable parts will go, as I said the likeliest is nowhere. Certain areas may shift a little, such as TV appearances, but they clearly won't change my life till they leave the minor channels and arrive on the real ones. Women in fact have always come though the intervals between them increase as my age does. But they also go and always went whenever I wanted them to stay. Financially there is something likely eventually but that'll be far from making me rich and not even 100% certain. On the psychic side I can't imagine a thing happening as I've investigated as far as anyone without any resources can, and there's sod all beyond telepathy and clairvoyance which is at such a low level it's only useful to prove its existence but no practical use.
The only other element is meditation, the only tool to improve myself from inside, and that'll be a lifetime's mission whatever the results. I haven't done my formal one for months now but when I did it tailed off and didn't encourage me to carry on.

The only other element is outside causes, which are like being struck by lightning but in a good way. Like if one of the gorgeous women at the gym picked me up or aliens were announced on the news. Bollocks to all that... But sometimes dreams are the best it gets.

Friday, May 19, 2006

A pile of it

I have no idea. A clean slate having sorted the smooth swap between old and new cars, I could relax today and that's more or less what I did, plus an hour of gardening for my mum.

But despite having absolutely nothing to report, I was drawn here as if there was something destined to come out when I opened the little box. I wondered if it was lavatory stories of people pooing their pants when I was at primary school or a critique of the first day of big brother (I won't be drawn into writing about them here though), or something spiritual based on absolutely bugger all experience, besides another out of body dream last night. Also I'm learning not to repeat myself or state the obvious when I see I'm doing it as most people know the situation and don't need to be reminding.
So this is (as a woman just said on the radio) creating like God. See, the messages are out there, the second I paused she said creating with God. That's the possibility of a blank sheet. I have realised people will only want to learn when they ask you. Knowing the biggest ways of self improvement are wasted on everyone who thinks they're fine, and probably are. So I no longer try and teach unless asked to as no one actually cares if you think you can show them anything new.

Overall, I'm very slowly running out of time. I know there are so many variations ahead, as a flow diagram with percentage chances on each, and living exactly as I am is odds-on favourite. Plus the older I get the less reliable all my health becomes, so any woman (especially those with children already as so many do by now) would basically be getting another one with me, unless my strength eventually returns. Having the work shared must help though so the stress would be cut in half from day one. But though I see a partner as a person and not a route to activities I never even thought I'd care where a partner would and wouldn't go. I want a partner and all the rest really has nothing to do with it, as all the going out in the world are peaks and when you go back to the empty house you're back where you started. And as I said, as I've roughly stopped caring if I add to any of my old lists- countries, football, all the things I've added most of my life, and now started the creative ones- TV appearances, paintings and published work. No going out related now. No need. And many women may be bothered by that though to me every woman I'd ever liked was enough in herself for me, with no interest where else they wanted to go.

Well, I see I've rehashed many old ideas in a different way, but unless life changes somehow for the better I'd be pushed to drag anything new into the picture. It's becoming a mystery how someone I know can have a plan of action, tell me the schedule and then drop it. It's as if he's not bothered and just too busy to stick to what he said, which shows a bit about focusing on what's around and not what's elsewhere. The plans appeared to be made already when the promise was made so I see little else as a reason besides not seeing it as important as I do, which of course to him it isn't as he chose to leave and chose not to come back, I'm the only one who actually is bothered about it. Case closed. Meanwhile a new friend has just gone away for a couple of months, to an internet free zone. Whether she will find it from time to time I do not know, but when you're paying a couple of Euros an hour you don't waste time reading people's blogs. I am left with the serious pains in the arse who are more like listening to interference on a radio than a programme and would rather turn the radio off. My father says as I'm nice to them (or in a few cases have sex) they hook on to me as so few other people can bear them. When they were in the background to real friends they were just an irritation. Now they indicate the social life has altered to mirror the love life, ie third best.

So, I see a pile of what I write every other day above this line, but I can't write fiction. With no one to talk to this is what I do instead. And the worry is this will go on for the rest of my life, as there's little reason why it won't and certainly nothing I can do about it (I have done every possible thing to try). Poor excuse for repetition but the only one I have. Like waiting for the end of a drough which may never happen. I'm not the only one, I meet more and more, and it's the most natural reaction to it.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

TV stars

After our recent TV appearance on Discovery Science, on 'Ten ways to be abducted by an alien', the cast are reunited at my house for some more investigations.


Wednesday has merged into Thursday by 15 minutes, and I've had two pretty active days for a change. Yesterday I picked up the new car over the river in Surrey, took it to Waitrose (only us southern Brits will know that one so tough!) and then went to the gym. Four visits in four days is good, as it's near my Dad and means I can't go as often as I'd like to, but cheaper and easier to park than our local places plus it has plenty of other facilities. I've been going 3 1/2 years now and half my efforts are showing, which makes me wonder where the other half have gone.

Today was a bit of work in the afternoon, grandma, and then picking up car 2 from Surrey after my Dad collected me from home as I drove one car back last night leaving the other outside his house for today. The old one is going to its new home (god willing) tomorrow and had served me very well for 7 1/2 years, never going wrong. It was cleaned and valeted by me before I left and looks pretty good for 13.
Tomorrow is a fourth abduction session to communicate with our alien brothers through my subject who appeared on TV with me. As usual I'll report it here for those that are interested and everyone else!

There is little or no gossip otherwise at the moment. I've been getting on with business a little more than usual, which makes me feel a bit less inadequate for not being able to have a real job (like I could help it). The house is relatively tidy, the rain's stopped me doing anything in the garden (besides the stolen shears) and for a change the kitchen's almost stocked up (thanks to Waitrose).
Making routine life into a report has beaten many writers and bloggers, but I know from reading that once I know someone online and fond them interesting they don't have to do anything unusual to be interesting. Like me, readers can wonder if the relative lack of excitement can last, and will various issues on the system ever happen, especially the long-awaited bad news email that is now gathering such a thick layer of dust it'll soon need a restorer before it can be read. It's only about closure. Like when someone dies and you don't know why. It can't bring them back but most people would rather know why. Gruesome stuff but how human minds are designed and allows us to carry on learning, otherwise we'd never bother to find anything out unless we could use the answer in a practical way. Information for its own sake is a human quality and one all quiz players will be very familiar with.

Just for fun I listed every possible result in a little diagram. It includes 'no answer' (as in not mentioned in email) which is evens favourite. Then the new visas were granted so mustn't be wasted, the business can't be left to be run by anyone else, and it's not worth messing up the kid's education, all equally likely. The actual effect is the same, but having given a date for the post mortem (May 2nd) my curiosity was naturally awoken, and my curiosity is naturally the size of Wales which is what makes me such a geek at times (and proud of it). If the person is reading this I'll no doubt get an extra comment, but I doubt he has time.

For a rare moment all I have to do online are work related (plus a very complicated sports quiz I was sent which is almost work as there are prizes), but no actual surfing left to do. All my emails have been replied to and forums checked, plus I'm in a global challenge quiz which boosts your level more by quantity than anything else, though unless you keep about 85% correct you won't get very far. Having no one to talk to full-time means I would usually want to do that now, and have to think of other things as it's not quite bedtime. Eating used to be the next option and I got a 36" waist as a result. So that's verboten as I had tea and biscuits at 11pm. Just a view of life here alone, when the day's almost over and there's nothing special to do. In the past I'd meditate but I'd fall asleep if I try now so will put that on the system for the next time. I have also started on my second commissioned painting today, I may do that for a while, good idea.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


Unknown, today's topic. I've got a bit of free time and came straight here like a dog to a lamp post. I can say I've just bought a new car which I'm going to collect later (well, it's 7 years old but new for me), otherwise unknown. The magic point is known, but as I said how to get it back isn't. Knowing your prison's layout is interesting but doesn't mean you can escape. But I think for most people who have lost it without a trauma it should come and go as it pleases like it does for everyone else. It's a trauma which cuts you off from it and how you undo that lot is pure luck in my experience. Time doesn't help much, the inner switch is virtually immune to that as it's stuck in the off position and needs another even to turn it back. I don't even know if the darn things can be turned back either...

On a more cheerful note, the email reply rate is a lot better than usual at the moment, another of those phases which seems to have no reason for it but happens anyway. There is really only one realistic thing to look forward to, but at an unknown time with a 5% success rate, but more than usual really. Meanwhile I'll see if I can inspire myself or anyone else to hook into the stream of magic, and how to lift the barrier to it.
It certainly didn't change how I felt knowing the formula. Or Sharon. It's similar to knowing we'd feel better sharing a house with family or a partner. But the one difference is there's no requirement on others to return the magic. The barrier's inside and needs to be opened, and what does that is a mystery to me.

But one clue is I always believed that if I knew there was another dimension with people also living in it and we could interact with it would solve many of my problems. It would mean at least I was never alone as they would always be around us. And we could also escape by visiting their side if we learnt how. Plus we are told they have far superior abilities to us, and may be able to help us with some of our problems which are almost insoluble here. All the best children's stories like Narnia, Tom's midnight garden and Harry Potter involve parallel worlds children (why only children?) can walk into and back from wherever they are without the need for airports or train tickets. Technically though many books have been written on exactly such experiences here (usually one offs) there's nothing to indicate they're real, and no references to doorways otherwise the whole world would be queueing up to go through.
Out of body experiences get you there as well, and at least with them they work on this level as people report accurately what's going on where they're not. But once they leave earth who knows whether anywhere they go is real?

One thing I can be congratulated for is going to bed and getting up early, it proves it can be done. Only an hour or two this time, but I intend to keep it up. I can go on the computer just as easily when I get up as before I go to bed.

Finally, though I hardly remember it, I keep notes anyway, I had a dream where I clearly ehard a voice telling me to only take notice of what's going on in the present. It's what most teach anyhow but unlike most sounds in dreams which are more telepathic thought types, this was a clear loud voice reminding me what I need to do. That means guessing what this week will be like, let alone caring, is out. All there is is sitting here typing on the computer. A simple but disciplined method as how long can you normally keep looking at the present without your mind wandering ahead? And believe me there's no need to. It's a waste of energy as it can't make the future be any different if we imagine it ahead. I've tested that one to the limits.

More when the inspiration comes to me...

Monday, May 15, 2006

The Secret Garden

I was right! How often am I sure of that nowadays? And having just been told by a Christian on the radio that miracles come from God through people.
After getting a free copy of all 7 episodes of the Secret Garden TV series from 1975 in the paper, I began to realise it had every point in it that had applied to my own life recently. Isolation, and all its consequences, and what could be done about it.
I just saw the final episode, and what was it about? Yes, something I discovered recently and was one thing I was certain about, magic. That part that we want to live for and remember when it’s missing from our lives. What happened in the final episode? The character who became well again realised exactly the same thing himself. The whole episode repeated my message for everyone. Besides seeing the series at the time, I barely remembered a minute of it, and only remember one character, which is unlike me. But I certainly worked out the magic myself and didn’t remember something 30 years ago in case anyone doesn’t trust my own route to the answer. But I had to add that as it surprised me more than anyone. But the point is, whoever got there first, it’s true.

Why have so many people been upset by what I write here (but luckily still read it)- as I was cut off from the magic for some time now. A bit at a time until there was none left. Not that there wasn’t any, I was still in the same places and doing similar things, but I was cut off from it, and reacted as anyone would who exists but doesn’t really live, remembering the difference.
So the message has come in a complete circle. I worked out the formula and then I was sent a video which first affirmed every point I made here, and concluded with the same ending as I did. I didn’t ever doubt it before, but this has the added dimension of a miracle.

I was cut off from something myself, and still have no idea how and if I’ll get it back. It’s been a long story with parts I preferred not to put here. But I’m more than half way to getting it back now as I know where and what it is. Every character in the programme played their part in creating the solution to the problems the main children had, and the person who knew the most wasn’t in the story, but wrote it. As I said before, those who know the most in my experience are those who write stories that are accurate and perceptive. You do well in writing if people relate to what you write, and there is a clear message there which worked for me, and if a message works on me it’ll work on anyone.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Week's review 3

Friday night and the addiction is kicking in. Go to bed early, watch the video on tv? No, I gotta blog already! It's really the equivalent of having a late night, on demand therapist, so I shouldn't complain.

It's been one of those quiet weeks where nothing bad or good happened. I was fairly at peace, worked fairly hard and already showed some of the photos I took. The weather was nice most of the time as well, and I'm on day 3 of t shirts from around the start of May onwards. That's how I know if the weather is really good or just pretending.

So, the trouble with weeks like this is it makes me think is that all there will ever be, the main good just being the absence of bad, like finding things you'd lost you don't gain anything, just break even. Big bloody deal. I've been breaking even a long time in my better weeks, and losing big time on the worst. I have some profit such as getting on TV, but as the real rich and famous will tell you that alone isn't directly going to bring you happiness, and the satisfaction of permanent improvements such as qualifications wears off after a day or two usually. I'm not like a London taxi driver wearing a badge with LLB (Hons) on it the way they ostentatiously wear their badges round their necks at all times (which I somehow don't believe is compulsory). No, it's people and health that matter first, the rest is a bonus.

Some formulas to ponder:

1) If you lose something and look for it, you invariably rarely find it. Then when you look for something else you find it instead.

2) Related, if you finally realise something isn't going to happen then it may do.

3) You only learn to appreciate the good things after you lose them, but rarely get a second chance to get them back and appreciate them.

These imply a form of control. It's not even selective reporting, these seem to apply most of the time to most people and it doesn't make logical sense. It's a very specific form of coincidence, I've just mentioned the three that have been going on this week, but there are many more I hadn't remembered, and implies a system in place that may stop holding us back once we learn how to beat it.
So if you find a formula is operating you then need to find a way to work around it. Buddhists and mystics recognise the 2nd rule as a classic, and train their students not to care about their results in order to succeed in them. Of course it requires higher powers to respond to our thoughts and feelings, and be monitored by them constantly. But they surely don't care about our welfare as although I'm in reasonable health right now and free to type this, and have paid my bills so it all works, it isn't always like this. Multiply that by every other innocent person suffering and it seems like although evidence exists for arrangement, it's a real bastard in charge, unless my powers of recovery are far greater than I realise.

However much my experience tells me it's a random chaos with no more than we see, little messages keep arriving telling me I'm wrong. I decided about Wednesday it was all crap only to be told someone I know has been looked after most of her life by the very entities I'd dismissed from reality. I really need to know either way now as only one possibility can be true. Asuuming there's a long initiation for anyone with aspirations beyond the mundane, I've been on trial a long time, and have hardly missed an ordeal now so am due for some sort of graduation, and should I have failed, then kick me out and finish me off, but the path as far as I'm concerned should be over now or soon enough. I've got auric scars (so they call them) like a map of the world, and believe I should get a conclusion before there's none left. I've passed the stage of teaching the stuff for now, as those who are interested usually know more than me already, and the rest have no interest or hostility. It's just for me at the moment, a personal journey and one I sense should be about over one way or another, pass or fail.
A sign or two would be nice.

Week's review 3

Friday night and the addiction is kicking in. Go to bed early, watch the video on tv? No, I gotta blog already! It's really the equivalent of having a late night, on demand therapist, so I shouldn't complain.

It's been one of those quiet weeks where nothing bad or good happened. I was fairly at peace, worked fairly hard and already showed some of the photos I took. The weather was nice most of the time as well, and I'm on day 3 of t shirts from around the start of May onwards. That's how I know if the weather is really good or just pretending.

So, the trouble with weeks like this is it makes me think is that all there will ever be, the main good just being the absence of bad, like finding things you'd lost you don't gain anything, just break even. Big bloody deal. I've been breaking even a long time in my better weeks, and losing big time on the worst. I have some profit such as getting on TV, but as the real rich and famous will tell you that alone isn't directly going to bring you happiness, and the satisfaction of permanent improvements such as qualifications wears off after a day or two usually. I'm not like a London taxi driver wearing a badge with LLB (Hons) on it the way they ostentatiously wear their badges round their necks at all times (which I somehow don't believe is compulsory). No, it's people and health that matter first, the rest is a bonus.

Some formulas to ponder:

1) If you lose something and look for it, you invariably rarely find it. Then when you look for something else you find it instead.

2) Related, if you finally realise something isn't going to happen then it may do.

3) You only learn to appreciate the good things after you lose them, but rarely get a second chance to get them back and appreciate them.

These imply a form of control. It's not even selective reporting, these seem to apply most of the time to most people and it doesn't make logical sense. It's a very specific form of coincidence, I've just mentioned the three that have been going on this week, but there are many more I hadn't remembered, and implies a system in place that may stop holding us back once we learn how to beat it.
So if you find a formula is operating you then need to find a way to work around it. Buddhists and mystics recognise the 2nd rule as a classic, and train their students not to care about their results in order to succeed in them. Of course it requires higher powers to respond to our thoughts and feelings, and be monitored by them constantly. But they surely don't care about our welfare as although I'm in reasonable health right now and free to type this, and have paid my bills so it all works, it isn't always like this. Multiply that by every other innocent person suffering and it seems like although evidence exists for arrangement, it's a real bastard in charge, unless my powers of recovery are far greater than I realise.

However much my experience tells me it's a random chaos with no more than we see, little messages keep arriving telling me I'm wrong. I decided about Wednesday it was all crap only to be told someone I know has been looked after most of her life by the very entities I'd dismissed from reality. I really need to know either way now as only one possibility can be true. Asuuming there's a long initiation for anyone with aspirations beyond the mundane, I've been on trial a long time, and have hardly missed an ordeal now so am due for some sort of graduation, and should I have failed, then kick me out and finish me off, but the path as far as I'm concerned should be over now or soon enough. I've got auric scars (so they call them) like a map of the world, and believe I should get a conclusion before there's none left. I've passed the stage of teaching the stuff for now, as those who are interested usually know more than me already, and the rest have no interest or hostility. It's just for me at the moment, a personal journey and one I sense should be about over one way or another, pass or fail.
A sign or two would be nice.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Paths again

As Flickr is full (as is my official photo list bar a couple) I'm posting all my local pictures here now as they let me. Here are the garage paths between the roads beyond my estate. Normally locked I did manage to get in to a couple and show the suburban neglect where clearly only a minority of people are actually using their garages. Nice garden over the fence though.

Lonely at the top

I've come to a conclusion and not one I can apologise for either. There are a few people who see what's going on and the rest walk around taking anything that comes as reality. But once you realise and try and help the others they don't want to know. I give up. It's a waste of time being able to see what's behind so many stories, rules and other nonsense we get thrown at us by our governments and media and try and convey it to anyone else as they don't believe you.
The others who know don't need telling, and being in the minority and unable to enlighten all but a few of the majority may as well keep it to ourselves and realise we are the visionaries in a partially sighted society. Politicians know this of course, and exploit it by making the rules that constrict us in the first place, convincing all but us few it's to help us and look after the disadvantaged (like the asylum seekers for instance). In fact cheap underground labour means minimum wage laws can be broken by unregistered workers, and whatever unpleasant reasons the Labour party have in their leaked policy of encouraging immigration from lesser developed countries it's not to improve the lives of the current residents.

David Icke explains much of this mechanism, but in a more optimistic way than me, believing in realising it's an illusion will break it. No, unfortunately people like their prison. As he says, if you tell the public you are helping them they tend to believe it. Combine that with three main parties with bearly a policy between them that is different (European Union, Interest rates, fuel taxes etc etc) they make sure that they give the impression they'll do something different whereas in practice things like public toilets and car parking fees are treated the same by most councils in London, ie no and yes in that order. Any tiny party with a different policy is laughed at by the three main parties and will never get more than a few politicians elected despite having a lot to offer in the case of the UK independence party at least.

But I've given up preaching and teaching. If you see a turkey heading for the slaughterhouse you can try and tell them to cross the road, but like trying to teach a dog Russian they won't understand. I admit if I can break the odd rule here and there I do, as we all do really (yes, even someone paying their builder in cash is committing a crime) but we all do it. I just don't pick and choose as selectively as some as I have total contempt for certain rules and I don't mean paying VAT as at least there's a reason for it. Of course I can't say which rules I do disagree with as I'll be incriminating myself, but I will say not one does anyone any harm. Which illustrates my original point perfectly. Many laws cause more harm than they avoid. Think about it, many laws vary from country to country and over time. Oral sex. Perfect example. What harm has that done anyone? But in half the US states as far as I know it's illegal. How the bloody hell is that supposed to protect anyone? And do it in Iran and you'll more than likely lose it as a result.

That is one example of a more obvious harmless law to break, and there are millions of others if I bothered to count around the world. Bollocks to them, and if they made theft legal tomorrow I still wouldn't do it. Common sense is far more useful than laws, as those who break them still do, they just risk punishment. Unless like Malaysia or Thailand where you could be executed for most crimes they will continue to do so. Human nature. Like any laws. Remove Britain's speed limits for a week and everyone will nearly all drive at the safe speed for the conditions. Make murder legal and very few people would kill someone as a result. Anyone who is evil or crazy enough to kill isn't going to need permission before they shoot their wife or mother in law. The penalty for murder has always been severe and the people who commit it either so unstable they wanted one person dead and never again or are evil career criminals who put no value on human life. Laws have no effect on either, and I suggest morals will rule a country better from the few I mention educating the many so the ones with brains to think will choose not to hurt others, rather than not in case they are punished. And if you put all the career criminals on a few islands as they did with Australia, there'd be no one else to rob or attack and they'd be free but unable to do what they did before and have little choice but learn other ways to keep busy. It made Australia what it is, apparently a hotter and larger version of Essex, but far more civilised than many places and not full of criminals.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Thursday, 6.35

Big Brother's back next Friday! Just had to say that, it's my second life and no apologies. I'll try and keep it off my blog though.
Well I'm fine at the moment, despite little sleep and nothing at all besides the weather and some work completed to contribute to it. But the details aren't important if I'm OK. Mind you, the only reason I'm here now is the garden shears I was just about to cut the hedge with are not where they should be (there is a box where I keep my main garden tools) or anywhere else. Plus the seccateurs I brought in to use in the front and left indoors are no longer there either. I may have to have a few words with someone soon as it's easy enough to lose my own things without help from anyone else.

So besides warm weather and an unplanned inability to do any gardening besides cutting the bloody lawn yet again I have nothing to report. The person with the cheap car never called and if I can't find their number I also lost by the weekend I'll be buying choice 2 (expensive but good value) if it's still for sale. At least it has half the mileage and looks new, I'll just accept spending the money as it's been over 7 years since I bought the last one.
Otherwise I am carrying the camera if I go anywhere I may use it, and post the results here now flickr is full, which is a shame as I'd joined a bunch of groups and even though more than a few signs on the A406 to Neasden, Hendon or Wembley are overkill I'd like the option to add if I see anything else.

Besides less and less hidden messages to women here (now discontinued before I make a post into a proposal document, which is very tempting, not original, but could cause someone a heart attack if she read it). But in a way even though I can never know until it happens, it's only a natural need to be paired off, and would even have someone to help me look for lost garden tools, let alone make the tea occasionally. I also have to ration weblinks I send people now as sooner or later I write about them and realise it may bugger up my plans by revealing them here in advance. All I'll say is I'm waiting for my 5% chance to arrive here for a visit, and will be as direct with her as I've been indirect with the last few as being subtle has led to my intentions being totally overlooked so may as well go for it now.

Just back after strimming the back garden, and the neighbour tells me her shears have also gone (though as left outside was hardly a surprise), so it seems both articles of mine are gone, plus the spare shears I don't even know where they were to be taken may be as well. All I need. Other than that very little to report. I am waiting to hear how accurate my email psychic reading was on Monday, and am resigned to hearing no more news from my friend abroad whatever had been planned to say. I still have to decide if and what to take from the blog to make into a book of sorts, as it's easily long enough and has enough ideas in it. But the ideas recently have been losing things, and the list is growing. I can't even find the number of the woman with the car, and am tempted to drop that issue and go for the better one. But it still won't answer where my:

Large artist's pad, two plastic footballers, garden shears, seccateurs, tarot cards, cassette of jazz, and my mini rucksack I took to the gym have gone. Half are definitely stolen, but the others defy logic. And why pinch such rubbishy things anyway? No one would give me more than a few pounds for the whole lot, and they left the good stuff. Stupid as well as crooked clearly, but damned annoying as well.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Did I go too far?

I often wonder when I've overstepped the mark but besides editing a portion of earlier entries to protect the innocent, rather than myself, I can only say what's happening, and stick to the rule if it's nice, say it. Like spreading warm sunlight across the net, why not say what you want however embarrassed most people get receiving compliments.
OK, I may well have sent someone yet another hidden message yesterday, and it is the last one. You can only say so much before it's gone far enough, and as telepathy isn't that well developed using the blog to communicate isn't such a silly idea, provided someone actually reads it.
I've also just got to clarify a query from yesterday. When I said a woman would need to be local or prepared to move here, I wasn't being a fascist. I'd live anywhere south of London as far as Cornwall actually but some people just like to live anywhere and I don't, so there'd be no point someone abroad wanting to stay there. Long distance meetings are fraught with their own problems anyway so best avoided if given a choice. Been there, done that, got the burns.

If they have I'm expecting a reaction, if not then it was just a little more entertainment for my readers (I hope) knowing I have a collection of potential targets. Generally after spending a lifetime doing things the hard way why not find short cuts to success, and if two people are prepared to take a risk living together on barely any evidence, why not? What will it mean in practice? You're never alone, have the adventure of getting to know someone, and of course have the physical contact that is better than any other form of healing with the right person. At certain times I have to slip into 'professional mode', as there is a difference when speaking of your own profession with the theorising of a journalist. I have many hours of study behind me in healing, energy work and psychic development complete with certificates. I know from practice which are definitely real and probably why as well. Ultimately all energy which is good is sexual. It has a signature we all know, and anyone who wants to learn just get a basic book on tantra to find out.
You can't cure physical illnesses with it as it's not surgery, but is the best thing to make you feel good. Your energy is called kundalini, and the rest is Chi in the eastern traditions.

Besides that little lecture, there is more lack of communication in my life. After saying they aren't coming back to England my friend in America said he'd give me the details on May the 2nd. He has never given me the date before, and a week later hasn't stuck to it either. Now of course getting the bottom line already it's purely curiosity value knowing why, but closure is always good. I don't expect to hear now as I see a conspiracy in the offing (enough said) and have had to let that one go.

Blogger is clearly having work done today, it was down for 2 hours and now I only have basic entry, but if anyone I know is reading get on the phone (and tell me off if necessary), but let me know! Mysteries are for TV, not Kingsbury!

Arrange my marriage!

Having worked for someone with a very successful arranged marriage, I learnt from him how they usually work. They aren't forced on anyone or random, but certainly for Hindus and orthodox Jews mean someone fairly suitable is chosen, and you are introduced and then decide yes or no, a bit like a speed date but with more riding on the decision if you get the 'double-tick'.
Anyone old enough to be desperate will usually have had enough experience to know what suits them more or less, and in my case if someone passed the test physically and wasn't bossy would get the nod.
Boring is no longer a consideration, for a number of reasons. People who are boring are more lacking good qualities than having bad. If someone's heart is in the right place, though I admit boring is a last resort, it isn't any longer a terminal quality though the conversation is bound to be pretty limited.

I used to have an 'attempted girlfriend', who saw me as much as a real one (a lot more actually) but said she was only a friend and any rare benefits I got were a literal miracle considering. I was thoroughly fed up being with her but as she was at the time the best looking woman I'd ever met I was happy just looking and occasionally touching (very limited). Of course the silences were far from ideal, and being out with her meant I was more or less on my own as she could go into a staring trance for hours at a stretch. Apparently she liked looking at people and besides her have only seen cats stare into space like they'd had their batteries removed. She was both extremes, physically the best and conversationally the worst, but she is a lovely person (I still see her when I go near where she lives) and has no bad qualities. She never (OK, maybe once) asked me to go anywhere specific (I went wherever she wanted anyway as I only wanted to be with her regardless of where) and certainly wouldn't have reacted if I hadn't wanted to go. It wasn't her nature. It was possibly the closest I could describe of a cat that met a fairy and granted it a wish to become human. I cracked the boring aspect after 2 years of seeing her on and off and realised her other qualities were worth pursuing as a serious prospect, but she was having none of it.

Ideally there could be a single agency for anyone who didn't want to waste time hoping someone would turn up, and was prepared to commit on a single meeting. I know a few who did this and did very well many years later so it isn't that odd, just 'not British'. Well it should be. If there was a list online with photos, a quick CV, and would they move for the right person, I could look for the best combination in about 3 hours (less now I've got broadband actually) and out of maybe ten ticks at least one should tick me.
Then we'd meet once, and having only joined the list as we wanted to get married based on this data alone, do another tick/cross and as soon as this procedure ended in a tick/tick we'd be engaged. I'd give it maybe two weeks average to go through this whole lot assuming each person could get to London quickly.

There are, now someone forced me to learn my own few priorities, about 100 women I know who I'd be happy to be married to, all different but having the right qualities in common. Some I don't know where they are any more, some were single when I met them but have since married, and no doubt a few would have hidden mines buried deeply which would only explode after it was too late to pull out, but that is the same in any marriage as most people do their best to cover their faults. If I could I'd publish this list in a major newspaper in case any were looking themselves, they may not all be hostile and though most I know would now be too old to have children that is a bonus I won't take for granted as essential. I can say how many would be called Fiona on the list equals the number I mentioned the other day, though the one with the verbal problem (ie continual supply, ratchet delivery and 90% rubbish) could be a borderline, but as she's been married for ages would hardly qualify. I actually met her just before she got married and she was with a boyfriend (bear in mind she was from an intellectual family with a Jewish father from a nice part of suburbia) who looked like he'd just been released from a long term hospital stay, been living on the streets and probably had a major drug habit, and were sitting in the coffee bar in Hampstead discussing marriage, did make me wonder how women choose what they want. I had a similar background, qualifications and put up with her crap for a couple of years hoping it may lead to more and she (and most others I failed with) would prefer drug addicts, mental patients (I've never been in mental hospital thank you), criminals and basically society's real failures than me shows how a woman's physically turned on by a danger factor than a decent factor.

I know when I had to wear serious David Bowie makeup to get into Camden Passage I got plenty of looks, and when I bleached my hair women at the same club I'd been to for years came up and talked to me for the first time since I'd started. So if I bleached what hair I've got, painted on some major tattoos for the possible forthcoming summer (to be washed off asap), revived my old studded leather jacket, swore a bit and acted generally rude I'd probably get more repeat blind dates in a month than in the rest of my life. What a dismal picture it paints of life. Technically I doubt I'd want a woman for more than casual sex who was attracted to all that as people are judged by their choice of friends pretty accurately, and anyone interested in scum can't be right themselves.

Anyway, back to the marriage business. I'd like kids if possible as well, and before I'm 60 (well 50 but I can't see that happening), and though I know single women between 30 and 50 without psychiatric records are as rare as off-peak buses but that's an even better reason for organising it. Dating sites are a start, but having become an unfortunate insider on them besides providing meetings still have imbalances between what people are looking for, and many are only messing around and would never want a husband even if they found someone suitable. A marriage only list would narrow it down, and I doubt I'm alone in being prepared to marry on a one check and one meet basis. It's what people often used to do, and many still do and if it works for them it can work for anyone who wants to try it. Somewhere a woman who would like me if she met me is thinking exactly the same thing, and without a go-between there's no way we'd ever get together. One single list for the whole country would stop people being spread across different lists, and if a charity would be perfectly viable. If I started it I'd also become famous, but maybe I'm slightly past the 'practical' stage of such projects. It's a cracking idea and there are plenty of perfectly adequate others free to pick up the idea for me, I'm not interested in taking credit, it's something we just need.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Accepting reality


Yes, the activity has been hovered from my life at the moment. If I wasn’t so tired (4am bedtimes I expect) I’d live with it, but I know I’ve probably got limits if I’m going to think of anything new to keep me busy.
I’ve run out of ideas, and with no family to keep me occupied and talk to I’m in an open prison of a life, in solitary confinement. So I can only go with the flow, and the first idea that came to me is simply to edit all the philosophy type entries from here into a book. Of course I can’t imagine anyone publishing it, and am aware of selling self published work before, but will just print one off on paper and see what people think of it. Otherwise, although I have cleared all my major 2006 tasks (there are regular ones I have to do plus the extra dental ones which crop up from time to time) there’s little left besides waiting for good weather and doing the garden.
I suppose it’ll shift sooner or later, as long as more of the crap from the past doesn’t come back again. I’ve currently got two new cars on the horizon, an old cheap one I’d prefer but not yet available, and a newer one I may not wait to be sold to someone else if the other one doesn’t materialise. I’ve had the other one for well over 7 years and should be collected within a few weeks by its new owner. I need something else first and as long as I get either of these two I’ve already seen I’ll be OK.

One mystery to me is why more people who live alone don’t pair up simply for convenience. Few I know like it, and the sort of house two could buy would easily be better for two than each one now is for one. Two of my house’s value, for instance, could just manage a 4 bedroom house in Temple Fortune, which is extremely civilized, dare I say it extremely Jewish, and where I used to work. It’s half a mile from my first choice millionaire type area, and probably see many old faces from school if I hang around there again as I sometimes do shopping there.
Another few hundred thousand and I’d be back in the old place of course, but don’t know anyone with that sort of cash tied up where they live now. One thing I did realise is the biggest problem in relationships is wanting the other to change. This can be extended now into my own life, expecting any aspect to improve as each actually means someone would have to change. So as only my grandma would want me living with her (no cat, and 24 hour surveillance) I continue to live alone.

I certainly didn’t write a blog to complain. I just report what is, and at the moment there’s little to be interested in. You can’t keep doing the same things on your own for ever without running out of material eventually. I can’t find anywhere different walking locally, take pictures of places left I haven’t chosen already (I’ve already got the definitive book about Golders Green, though it’s black and white), I’m already writing fit to bust, apart from my international connection can keep painting but unlikely to sell anything in a gallery, and if meditation worked the way it does for some I know I’d just do that and not give a damn about what else is happening.

People aside (as that’s not in my control) I’d like to be paid to write, so by sitting at home for hours with the radio on and coffee on the go, being paid around £100 a day for waffling on paper is the first solution I’d like. Then I could draw a clear line between work and free time, and no longer feel guilty for having dead time on my hands having not earned it by working first. Then I’d be able to compress my internet time to when I was free, and walk and watch TV as well as the housework in between. Anyone visiting is always a bonus, and there’s not a single one I can rely on to visit regularly, while the one I went to see is 5000 miles away now.

So, I’ve had to accept nothing will change outside as other people choose the way things are that suits them, not me, so I can only do what I can within my own limits. The only real difference from now is I’ve got to believe this is how it is, and I won’t get any rescue from the natural or supernatural. That is the true reality, no angels, fairies, guides or any other little helpers. They don’t exist. As for God people have looked for God since the concept was first invented, and are no closer now than they were on the first day. God has been in my girlfriends and prospective girlfriends. Anything else is of this world and pretty ordinary. I have to have the odd dream of better places to experience any more, and that’s it. It’s taken me over a year of putting it all down in writing to come to this conclusion, and have had to return to the fold of realists, and put all imaginary hope in the bin where it always should have been. If I want anything material I’ll have to earn it, anything else and forget it.
I have control over a few things, but they can never directly improve my life, and often new directions can even make it worse. I haven’t missed any doors, I do as much as anyone with my level of health can do, and that’s it. No miracles, phenomenal efforts or rescuers. Just what is, exactly as it seems. No hidden dimensions or activities going on behind the scenes.

I can’t wake up tomorrow and find Ken Livingstone (our Soviet-style mayor) out of the job, a new house, my friends are on their way home to England, UFOs have landed, I’ve got a £50,000 book deal, an old girlfriend has tracked me down, my lost hair is returning, I can see auras, I’ll have an income for life, sport will be back on BBC, someone will start making old Morris cars again, the person (or persons) I hint to sometimes here will pick them up and accept them, and I’ll be put in a situation where I’m not always on my own at home.
Plus there’s not a fucking thing on earth I can do about making any of these happen (besides working like the person I’m not for the material ones) as they all rely on wanting other people to change. From the particular to the general isn’t normally accurate, but the principle usually applied to individuals is exactly how I saw the world in the large scale. It’s free will and I can’t direct it for others, end of.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Two ways

Yes, I am aware there are always two ways to look at anything, positive and negative. It isn't easy to switch, I only know as both I've seen a similar situation in both ways at different times, and see others handle all sorts of shit with a smile that would finish me off.

Going beyond to the spirit level, that isn't so vague. It either exists or not, and whatever people read into life which may or not be there, ultimately it either is or isn't. Whatever we feel about life, there is either a spirit component or there isn't, and it's hidden to nearly all of us. So though I know using ancient practices I have become aware of both higher senses and feelings there's nothing that isn't just an extended version of what I already can do. Mind you, that energy does travel anywhere as well, so it can be transmitted and used to heal as well, but that's still science. We don't need spirits or their dimension for any of what I've seen and done.

Karma, lessons and the like are all part of the spirit side, as they must fix everything while we live normally thinking it's all random. The coincidences imply it isn't random, and are the only bridge I have possibly linking us to a higher level, and this is many other religion's view of God, mainly the Indian versions.
I go over old ground but hopefully in more organised ways each time, as I try and clarify everything in front of me. For instance:

I realised I wasn't agoraphobic in the past- why? Because I first saw it on TV and noticed the degree was different, and then did get it. I'd assumed my limited quota of areas I avoided meant I had it, but turned out it was a trapped feeling, which is claustrophobia. So it meant I'd judged myself for years because there were a few things I avoided when in fact agoraphobics would have avoided nearly all of them. Had I been explained at the time by anyone who knew I wouldn't have got mixed up, but unfortunately I now have to recover from the real thing.
It's a long pattern in my life I took things for granted until they were gone. As far as I know none ever returned. I let a few girlfriends go (as most people have done of both sexes) not realising their true qualities till it was too late to get them back, twice in one example!
As I loved where I lived till I was 5 I objected to moving, and after a few years away from that house some 30 years later I realised it was where I should be again, and now it's for sale at a price both my kidneys, all my sperm and every penny I could borrow would still leave me £300,000 short. What a bugger.

But the plus side (what this post is all about) was when I was agoraphobic I was stuck at home on my own most of the time. I got my pad out and painted, making about 8 pictures, each worth exhibiting and one actually sold. I wrote for England, though as yet not all has been published due to a magazine never making it. I took another postal course, repainted much of the house outside, and at least where I could go anywhere took some lovely photos (my opinion at least!) with my new camera. I didn't waste a minute being in instead of out, and actually created far more from having to be in than I would if I'd carried on messing around as I did before. OK, I had to suffer, but that seems to be an element that is the rogue one of the equations, and which keeps telling me there is a fault in any view of a higher power as it's far too flawed for my view.

At least I just heard my local football team, Barnet, stayed up just now, as I wasn't up to going in their first season back after a few years out. Now I hope I will as soon as they start the friendlies in July.

Otherwise life will rarely mirror anyone's wishes as it's the old story of wanting other people to change. So my friend in America didn't email with his plans, though I have a woman possibly in my sights again but such early stages I can only say it's still 'alive' but the odds are long for a 'finish'. I've more or less run out of any apparent experts to convince me of the spiritual side, I've quizzed some of the greats, but with Uri Geller saying he may now not be genuine maybe now the whole lot will fall down now he's gone dubious.
No meditation yet, though I have been busy I may start now as that's all I know that may offer a decent route to better things.

Finally after seeing something on TV (I think) yesterday about communicating to women, I realised I can't lose a lot if I tell women I know how I feel if nothing else is happening. In fact my cryptic messages here were aimed at that end, but assuming women enjoy a chase never thought saving them any doubt would work except for a rare minority. But time's passing and that route hasn't worked either as they could either tell by my actions or buggered off before I could even have a proper go. So the next couple of opportunities have the direct approach set up, at least I won't be left in any doubt or hanging around for an answer.
But meanwhile as it's raining in Kingsbury and there's little else to do I am in the one place I can rely on, when the modem doesn't break down anyway.