Thursday, June 28, 2007

More details of nothing

Still exploring life, having heard the theory we create from our thoughts I wonder how my thoughts created a pair of power saws opposite this morning that woke me up and stopped me going to sleep? By any stretch of the imagination nothing I could have conjured up from nowhere would have been responsible for some sort of pointless disturbance that popped up at random. Unless like Jung it's a deep symbolic meaning I must wait for to arrive which will provide the key to that particular item and the chance to let it go. I will keep looking.

Otherwise today's been housework which is something. No real shifts besides cleaning and almost repairing the cat feeder, the rest being minor tidying and gardening which could have become major if left too long however. Yesterday dragged a number of reasonable photos from the minimum of inspiration, and thank goodness I did some work on Tuesday. So, so far a typical week and little to excite or amuse beyond my imagination. Plus the mouse. Not the one for the computer, the one that was introduced to my lounge by the cat last night, ran under the sofa, pissed off and hasn't been seen since. As it didn't arrive (like my grandma's visitor) from outside there's no way out unless I see it and remove it. I won't kill it, the cat seems to have lost interest (not a bad thing) so unless it turns up running across a room I have no idea where or how long it will be here for. All I can do is leave some food out and see what happens. All I need.

It's been a shame turning down arrangements as the ear doesn't just hurt but generates symptoms sometimes as well. Just enough to stop me doing things beyond the very easy. People worry but it's nothing dreadful, just a fucking nuisance. But with 47 years of experience behind me I make sure I always acheive the next easiest things to the ones I couldn't do so always get something done, showing it can't stop me altogether so far. No one should be expected to go through life constantly healthy and if it's my turn for something nasty then what can I do?

I am a record keeper. I put a mileometer on my bike and feel satisfied if I do a few more miles than usual. Because of the hills here it's not as many as some but steady progress. There's no point losing track of events, after about 10 I realised I needed to keep records of my radio calls, it's now up to well over 400. And that's just LBC, about 100 more altogether. And who I called and what about. Only a few filofax pages, very easy to store. Looking back you see how each week you add something, small or important, so even without a job life can still be productive. And how many people would work if they could afford not to? If I was rich I'd have an office next to my house and invest in a proper business, hopefully a radio studio to do phone ins or similar, and a room for individual and group therapy and tuition. I'd rent the place out and as long as fairly busy would make a profit however many hours I did myself. Though I'm not rich it means I wouldn't stop working but do what I wanted and when. I'd be able to work more than now as I could afford the premises. I tried doing the same a number of times elsewhere and even without paying rent without clients spent most of the time sitting around waiting while people never arrived. I know a couple who put their life savings in an identical project and that went west within a year, as did the other people I worked for. Very social but no money in it.

And the fucking Indian shop ran out of cakes. How the hell does that happen? With a few hours sleep I wasn't going to shop around so took a pack of assorted biscuits with a 2 week date on and will lose weight from lack of jam tarts. I have toast though so all may not be lost. If I had someone at home to talk to or wait for I'd have a real life. Till then it's make the best of it. For ever possibly. With a mouse.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Weekend review

Back again. Besides the ear infection there hasn't really been much wrong the last week, although having an ear infection in itself casts a cloud over things much of the time. So eliminating that element I got a few more good photo runs, except for today when I went out with an ordinary camera and soon discovered it had no film. I'll have do go there again with a digital but it was a bit of a pain to do twice.
The BBC have been showing photos changing twice a week since I started adding mine 2 weeks ago, and had 2,1,0 and 1 up so far which is a lot more than many people. It's also interesting to see which ones they pick and some I expect while others can be a surprise.

As far as I know at the moment I have literally no plans left, business or pleasure. The fact my TV programme in 2 weeks should be there to rescue me is a great help, and will be filming my 4th the day after. Socially the ear trouble has more or less put an end to all but visitors and the rare local friend (in existence and timing) but little else. Not enough energy or balance at times, so I conserve it but still turn out good stuff. If I'm indoors much more I'll write another article and then do another drawing. No end of opportunities for that. Otherwise I'll do what I did last week and let nature take its course for a change. Even with no plans you usually think of something at the last minute. Little else to report really. When your health is up the creek it does make you realise how much you could do before it packed up, and hopefully will do when it returns. Every little task becomes appreciated when it's hard work to do, and looking ahead to when I may be able to do so easily again. Physically I was always pretty healthy, the only glitch was by accident and not illness, but since the exhaustion kicked in (not ME, this is measurable and with clear causes) my immune system has reduced its efficiency and allowed new germs to colonise that make it impossible as yet to return my health. The original causes have gone but until the effects are I can't live my normal life again. Even if no one reads this I can look back and see my own progress over time, which is also quite important. Remember until blogs everyone's diaries weren't read by anyone else. This is a new phenomenon. Read it for fuck's sake! If you don't we'll all stop writing.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

More pony and trap

One question that's occurred to me recently is how would other people react in my exact position? It's so easy to throw stones from outside when it's not your problem but being in a situation virtually impossible to alter by any means is going to get to everyone somehow as being in the crap is the same whoever's in it. That's a question up for discussion, I can add no more than present it, but these pages reflect that position.

Today for instance. Complete neutral. A free day from beginning to end and not an idea or person to fill it. I also know why some people go on about mundane details of their life like what washing they did or food they made. There's nothing else. Today was like that and I'm on my way to sounding like I have Alzheimer's at this rate. Have I told you I did the sheets last week? I was going shopping but I went to the park instead. That I do remember. And I got as far as Blackbird Cross and took pictures in the churchyard and found a few very nice paths there I'd never discovered before, tucked in between gravestones and chapels of rest. Here's one example:

If my websites represented the rest of my life I'd have a small empire of products by now. It's so easy to sit here and add to every aspect of my 7 or so personal sites and other forums around, and thank goodness all is read by a few or many people and appreciated by many as they say so (not here any more but they do). As unproductive I am in the real world is how I've transferred my productivity to websites. And I call the radio. All about creativity and exposure. I'm not a celebrity of any sort yet, but working on it. And I know it'll happen as my network of branches grows continually and one more, probably the biggest, is due in a few weeks. Meanwhile I am still obliged to fill the empty time as best I can, and I also mowed the front lawn later today, so people don't walk past and think that's where the plebs must live, for a few weeks anyway. Like having a haircut. And believe me, if I'm suffering from depression at any time at the moment it's for a very good reason. I feared being left alone for half my life and then it happened. As more and more situations happen each would be better when with someone else with you, and I don't. So I talk to my blog, the cat, the phone and radio presenters. But I can't see any and still wonder if anyone else is in the same position or actually cares?

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Review of the week

Last week was a free one after two pretty busy ones, I needed the break and wondered if by any chance any more would happen than the bleedin' obvious, however tiny the chances were. Of course the answer was a resounding no, but I did take some very nice photos and the BBC put 2 of mine on TV in the first half of the week and another the second half, after I started adding them to their site on Monday. Quite a good record. Otherwise there's little to report, and when life repeats itself how can you report anything more than the routine that follows from day to day? And to the 10 people who apparently visit every day unlike livejournal or others everyone can comment here without being a member. Hint. A few people I linked not only stopped posting but wiped the blogs as well. So many people do work online and then wipe it when they leave somewhere. I can't see the point. It costs nothing to leave an old blog gathering dust for new readers, and quizzes to be played. Madness and immaturity can be found in even the most apparently sensible people, and in one I did see the signs coming and didn't take long to see the final result.

It's obvious but unless my health is OK life sucks. It's like the weather at the moment, changing throughout the day, and if it stayed good I could almost go back to my old self, instead of rationing everything I do. I did manage a few little jobs in the week which aren't (yet...) affected by my health, ie housework and gardening. So far the diary is clear ahead, and that's how I prefer it at the moment. And 3 weeks till my new series starts and my 4th filming takes place. I think 4 TV appearances, even if only seen on a few TVs are pretty good for someone who waited 46 years for the first sound and vision appearance. I'm sure had one been on real TV someone would have contacted me through the station from the old days, I saw Dr Noreena Hertz become famous after being successful as a professor, she is a few years younger than me and is one of the many women who rejected me over the years. I met her in the kitchen at a party in East Finchley where I grew up, and it turns out she may have lived in that house or road as well. Apart from a few lines she looks exactly the same and given the chance I would still love to give her one, as many others would. So from a very interesting hobby seeing and meeting celebrities, which literally put me up with A listers, I now want to be on that list and people saying they met me. Why not? Unlike the Big Brother crowd they are only celebrities because we know them, not for actually being good at anything. No real foundation there, my career is based on my interests and clear ability in front of the cameras, which I was complimented on the last time. The other element I want to be known for on TV is making people laugh, and hopefully I'll get the chance to do that sooner or later.

One little high spot today, one of the few women as interested me as I was in her still appears to be interested. Miles away but there may be hope there. And at least despite not being currently available I know she cares.

My current question is how would other people react given my exact circumstances? I may be naturally sensitive but seem to have had more of my share of stress in the last few years, none of which many people deserve. And I shouldn't even feel guilty for not having a job, the fuckers who turned me down for things I could have done in my sleep should be. Had I got used to working again a few years ago I may well still be now. The laptop was finally fixed after confounding the engineer for 2 weeks, but the more important ear infection seems to be causing a lot more mystery for the doctor. If there is a plan something has deliberately put the brakes on me as although I am often dizzy, tired and in pain I get other things done during it and in between. And have to turm down simple arrangements simply as I can't rely on myself to manage them. It forced me to risk losing friends but to be honest I never had them any more anyway. My real friend is abroad and the others the past. The rest don't matter. But how a simple problem that should clear up in a week becomes part of my new body is beyond even the experts. Something should fix it but at the moment it's quite possible it can be permanent. And no one can tell me why. I'm not a doctor so it makes no sense to me, but at the moment it seems to make no sense to them either. I haven't got cancer, I haven't got aids, but would you want anything that comes and goes indefinitely whether fatal or not? I don't think so.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Empty space

Another day, half way through the week, the first in a while not packed with business type activities. One less tonight as my second client sent a message while I was out they couldn't make it which I didn't get till later on. I was worn out from gardening and things so better off free but I need the cash!
My free yesterday had some high points, all photographic. Within walking distance I took what I consider some of my best house and garden photos, although they were roads I went to in my first week of digital photography. A combination of new gardens and looking at every house allowed many more new views plus two cats I came across on the route. The second was after joining the BBC Buildings of Britain group on Monday when the new photos were on BBC interactive two of the five I added were on TV! They change every Tuesday and Friday and we can add five new ones a day, so a new photographic career!

The blogger help forum is either more than useless or I've had no replies (or both) as once you post a question there's no way of knowing who replies or where your question is to look. Well organised Google, who have single handedly made blogger the least used system on earth since they took over. Nearly every blog I read now is either through the London link or people I already know, which means 99.9% of blogs here are impossible to locate as is my own to new arrivals. Other than that there's little to report. Sod all on TV besides a video I recorded earlier, Britney Spears' life story is on now which is why I'm in here instead. And that's the better of the shite offered, although should I check the cable lot the quality would be the same as well. The US open golf starts tomorrow and I should see some in between arrangements.

It's early, I have freedom and run out of ideas. The internet is useful but can't replace living when there's little living to do, like watching big brother. At least they have someone to talk to. I write here. It's too late to phone anyone on the list now, they'll have to wait. And it's all business type calls besides one and she wasn't there the last time I tried anyway. You can't keep yourself occupied all the time when you're on your own, I will be going for a walk and have some shitty housework which will probably be done tomorrow now, but at least the back garden got a start at last. And the current countdown to my TV appearance is 3 1/2 weeks, except being split into 7 instalments I have no idea if mine will be on when the series starts as it's only going on TV on demand. I have no philosophy left for today, I had to use quite a bit in my work booking and that was really old stuff and not even my own. And where has my own got me?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Load of crap

Sunday 10.52 PM. Yes, the BB season is with us again and I'm caught up as always. The question is whose life is more boring, theirs or mine? Until I've been there for a while I couldn't say, as after a week or two I'd probably get cabin fever. Unless I was at it with someone I suppose. The only real crumpet (Emily) this year has just been slung out and none of the others really do anything for me besides Shabnam. As long as you avoid the teeth.

Anyway, back to real life, dull dull dull. I did a lot already last week, work and photos, and please god in a week either I'll be on TV or my series will, and till then who knows. No plans next week (a good thing, the last lot took it out of me despite either seeing lots of people or earning) but I'll drive around looking for something else to photograph. At least the laptop's back now, working nicely and using Firefox as the IE is an old version and won't perform properly, and Firefox allows all the photos and animations without a fight. And it has its own extra search bar without the need for Yahoo's one, although I may need a popup blocker if they start.

Otherwise it's gone a bit dead, the routine is no longer providing enough to maintain an interest and the alternatives are no better. I can write and paint and will, but being almost summer it'll keep me at home, although I can write in the garden I can't paint there. I can always do some pencil drawings. None of the supernatural events recently can be lost but don't repeat often and although I see a form appearing to hold our lives I have as yet no control over it. Tomorrow I must start a really dodgy list of phone calls, either business or people I don't want to see. Some after being put off for months really don't get the message. Maybe compared to other people my just talking to them puts me in the status of close friend. The growing list of attractive eastern women who have no intention of physical contact but are happy to waste my time and petrol is growing. It's like a curse. Show the starving man the menu complete with pictures but don't let him eat. Wonderful. So, little new on that front, or any other.

I really need just one person to come along to my house and keep me busy. Not chasing debts or lost files but having fun or helping me with the housework. Normally called a wife I may have to cash in my bank account and pay someone if this is ever to happen. If I had it. I've also had two normally reliable people stop emailing recently which I can't explain either. I hope I solve the mysteries as it's something I've never done. And from about 5 messages sent to friends reunited I got one reply. About standard. I was a pain in the 70s but had lots of friends as well. Not now, apparently.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

I should be in bed...

But before that I had to come in here.

It was a busy week, bits of work and 2 photo trips round London NW11, the lost centre of my universe. Wherever I lived I seem to return to the previous ones. Now I returned to the first one which is fine in itself but definitely not NW11, where I've never lived but was on the border and had my friend there for 30 years. I worked there, went to school there and even had a dentist there. It was the centre of my life literally from birth as I've lived all round it and visited it from a very early age with memories of all the changes. I took a photo of one this week as a shop removed its sign and under it was a perfect VG Foodstore one from the 70s. I took a photo of it and will probably only be seen until they have the new one made.

I have no plans left except my laptop has now been repaired and I won't miss the internet at weekends now. At least I appear to have something to look forward to again, as my TV appearance is in about a month at last. I thought it was a lost cause and although depressed over it had to manage in the belief my last hope had gone in the future, and (until it's shown) now it seems to be redeemed.

One thing I read and was also more or less told in a recent message intuition is higher than teaching. I know so many things without being able to prove it to anyone else, and now realise that it doesn't need to be, this information is for my own use, and if other people choose to accept it it's up to them. I will now carry on not worrying that I won't be able to explain to others how I knew Heather Mills was an awful bitch (which was confirmed in many newspaper articles) or how I can spot a crook in seconds. It's like when I come across a situation I know something specific about it already, like any 'dumb animal's' instinct. We haven't got nearly as much, so who's really dumb? Now I'll trust it as the book said until we know something ourselves just being able to learn it from others is very basic.

My screen name, satguru, refers to this, that we know everything already, and just need to discover it. We can all tune in to our intuition and not worry about the fact we haven't got any legal type evidence for it, we're rarely wrong. That is our higher nature at work.

Friday, June 08, 2007

A day of freedom

After 2 whole days of intermittent work today was free! I booted one possible arrangement as far into the distance as I could, and as a result lost another which I postponed until the other had been dealt with, and they forgot to check. So in the end I spent the evening at my grandma's which was a lot easier and made her happy. So a better result overall.

I made my planned trip to Golders Green to take pictures of people at bus stops, the current project inspired by my Flickr groups, and collected a nice little bunch. We also got our new updated interactive TV service today and amazingly after missing Dr Who over the weekend due to a programme overload they had it on catch up TV and I managed to see it after all, which was pretty amazing as it was the first time the service was introduced after I needed to use it. I like it when things like that happen.

Then on the way home tonight I hear Talk Sport radio just introduced a premium rate phone number to cost the average caller a few quid every time they call. I went on the forum and the thick spastics were moaning because the new fucking number didn't rhyme!

Now the only reason arseholes like Talk Sport (Rupert Murdoch) do this is because the average Brit is a stupid wanker that doesn't know their arse from their elbow. We have our share of intellectuals and bright sparks but visit the average pub and you'll see what I mean. These guys will be potential callers and when they get their phone bill (if they bother to look) will then realise what apparently only I knew the second I heard it. That is why prices generally are so high here, as people pay them. Two garages up the road from each other, one charges 20p a gallon more and the expensive one regularly has a queue. People are cretins. So why do they moan the rare times they realise they've been exploited? If they haven't the brains to compare two garages on the same road and choose the expensive one, even when they have to wait 10 minutes, the clever people will rob them until the day they die and it'll be their own stupid faults. It's not the same as leaving a phone on a table and expecting it to be nicked as theft isn't the free market. It's seeing two identical products at different prices and choosing the expensive at random, or taking the time between a phone call and the resulting bill before discovering a premium rate number exchange.

Just for the record, any starting 09 will cost an arm and a leg, and 087 a few fingers. 07s are pretty mean as well, especially the 070 ones. Expect to lose a testicle (for men) and a pair of nipples (for women) if any business has one of those. They rely totally on people not learning a few simple 3 figure prefixes (as the rest of the number won't affect the price) and not checking the bills after to see why a half hour call cost them 3 quid. I am considering this time not even listening to Talk Sport, after not calling for months the last time they tried something like that. But being in Britain people will rent their kids out for prostitution if Tony Blair tells them to. They trust authority and the authorities (who don't share their stupidity but equal it with evilness) take full advantage of it. I can't raise anyone's IQ but we can all raise people's awareness.

Anyone who wishes to can add their view here once registered as a user.

and don't be scared to quote me calling the other members total cocks. I more or less said it there except I didn't want to get myself banned. And as I promised cunnilingus here it is. The word, anyway. How can you get it off a screen?

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Life goes on

Life seems to be returning after an absence. Why it takes a death to reunite us with our friends and family is a sad reflection on British cold and uncaring society where each person gets on with their life until they need you.
So the death has reunited many friends of a lifetime with the family of the bereaved and restarted many halted friendships as people were reminded they still existed.

I have cleared the latest work obligations for the time being, and besides one late appointment hope to blitz Golders Green tomorrow with my camera. Until I left the area I never appreciated it besides the people I knew there, but when you are pushed into average suburbia you notice the difference compared to the truly affluent. Face it, most places are a dump, certainly in Britain. Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Bristol, all have miles of what in London we'd call slums but for there are perfectly normal. I hear some of these cities have some nice areas but in all the circuits I've made around Liverpool can only say they've hidden them pretty well. Imagine spreading Harlesden across a 10 mile diameter or more and this is what these places are like. And no wonder most Brits are so miserable having to look at such dreary views all their lives.

Otherwise my media progress has made its little jump at last, and have a 4th date to film pencilled in the same time my 3rd showing has been. Women are however not so positive and the single female friend around has been unable to hook up with me the last few phone calls as each time one of us couldn't talk. I hope she is calling for the same reason I would but will have to wait to find out. Meanwhile I'm still looking round to see how other blogs can be found and will ask them although they tend to use automated replies if you email which means there is probably no one there to answer actual correspondence. Otherwise the sites wouldn't be free to use so I can't really complain as I pay for two sites now which I really rather wouldn't. And having had one comment in 2 months here would be very unlikely to waste money apparently talking to myself.

I now hope the large amount of new supernatural evidence I've heard recently allows me to use them more and experience them for myself. Enough people have reported bilocating while the person they visited said they had been seen while also in another place. These sort of double viewings can't be dismissed as if you have a witness in both locations who say the person is present it can't really be faked as although you know where the physical body is you won't know where the etheric will project, the projector rarely knows either, so can return and say 'I visited X', and you then call X and ask if they saw anyone in their room, and many say they did, often calling first to ask what they were doing walking into their bedroom. Ghosts are far more likely to be bilocated living people as remote viewers have been collated over many years accurately describing locations worldwide, and if you are that way inclined you don't just send your awareness there but an image of your body made of visible light energy. Just because these events are rare means a handful have actually witnessed them so few even realise it's possible, but as it's my mission to learn about it I seek them out and trust the few I've heard.

On a final note I am batting away social invitations at the moment which have come in a pack like the old 26 buses did along Finchley Road, as my tiredness doesn't permit normal arrangements yet and they'll just have to wait unless sex is involved/offered. I'll come out of my hole for that but little else besides the TV cameras at the moment. Suits me.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Real life

Strangely, regardless of other circumstances, real life seems to have returned this week. At the prayers after the funeral of our oldest friend's father I saw my past. The family were the centre of my social life from birth, and most of the people I knew were somehow connected with them. So despite London as it is having few if any communities I found myself back in the only one I had outside Devon, which was my summer community till 1989.
However long it had been since I saw anyone, a few years back to about 25, they were all part of my life and vice versa, and shared many memories going back as long as we could remember. So despite a large gap that continuity at least will carry on.

Yesterday I also met a neighbour from 4 doors away, except he left in 1955 and returned for a few days from Australia after 40 years away, and turned out we had a lot in common as well as our roots- I lived in the road opposite until I was 5 from 1960-1965. And he has revived some of my faith in the supernatural, with some reports showing he is clearly at one of the highest developed levels. I mix in those circles and rarely meet anyone like that, including the pros- they are in the main just good at talking and selling and I'm as psychic as many of them. The really good ones tend to be working quietly and rarely get any media attention. Peter Walker was one, and Geoff Boltwood who actively avoids publicity (sorry Geoff!) is another. Uri Geller has the personality but also the ability to probably imitate all the tricks he claims to do, and even he admits they may not be genuine at times. It's very simple to me, I either witness it for myself or don't believe, like anything else.

Big Brother (sister?) is now on, and as would happen I had to record the opening night as I was at the prayers, and heard the lot on the radio in the car home before I saw the tape. All women? I think they are beginning to realise what I already knew, same sex groups become very dull after a short time and however much many claim to dislike men few will not be missing them by now. It's not natural. I spent 3 years at a boy's school and my parents really should have known better than send me there. Just because half of them ended up at Oxford or Cambridge isn't the only point. I bet there are enough with mental problems as well, although I can't prove it. Will Self was one who did the usual route, school, Cambridge and media success, although from all my 7 or so schools I kept up less with the people there than any others, mainly as apart from a few I didn't get on with them. And the few on friends reunited didn't reply besides one I was never friendly with who invited me to America. How people can change. OK, I did correspond with a few but nothing compared to the other places.

Besides a dodgy appointment on Tuesday I have cleared the diary for this week, and unless a disaster falls will now finally be on TV again (3rd speaking role) next month. With the biggest audience so far. That is so important as the media career is the one thing that has improved in recent years, with my health, love and social life almost disappearing. I have a couple of extra TV ideas, and have saved up a summary of a walking tour of North London I want to try and get off the ground. With agoraphobic tendencies making a programme that gets me to walk around familiar roads is also very good therapy. Chronic fatigue was the real killer though and that's nothing to do with phobias, just stops you doing very much. On the mend now but I really have to limit my activities so far to one at a time. It does mean a lot more housework gets done though which is pretty useful.

I am now off to see what photographic gems I can see in NW11 on the way out, someone just posted a few classics in my local photo group which I had missed so it proves it can still be done. If they had to find one I'd put the new centre of London right in the middle of Finchley Road, Temple Fortune. Then you could watch the news on CNN in America and see them say 'And here's the news from Finchley Road'. We'd be on the map at last! It's the centre of my London already though.