Friday, February 26, 2010

Limbo NW9

It's finally stopped raining after 4 days, but there's really nowhere worth going anyway. I didn't stay in mind you when it was, I went out looking for signs on Monday and made a video on Wednesday when the rain was lighter so not desperate to catch up. And maybe I am being guided not to go out as there may be something more important to do here, although I haven't found it yet.
I've carried on the online quizzes I've been doing most of the week and of course come back here for inspiration as when presenting the situation for others can often find new ideas. The newspaper where my photos were sent comes out today, I've heard nothing and unless the guy just hasn't bothered to mention it (that's unlikely considering it was me who took them) I presume it's not today although despite being well out of date said it could also be next week. I won't hold my breath.

I even have very little tidying up left to do- only papers really which have to be read and either filed or thrown out. And few of them left now so not really important. I'm going to my mum in an hour anyway so would have gone out anyway today, or I'd have felt more guilty and looked for somewhere to go just to get something new done. Technically when my faith was tested when there was no sign when I went to look (it turned out to be part of the tree the post was covered with) and then many more steps led me to find the very one I thought was there, it should mean it was guided all along and why not now? I still find as life drops back to normal after every event (few are life changing, most just add to my collection or CV) it makes me wonder how it actually works and assume it must be there in the background now all the time although it's rarely seen. And would it really be better not to get a photo in the paper as it won't be known by anyone apart from me or lead to more work, or miss out altogether? I think the answer should be obvious, every step is a good one however tiny.

The expanses of boredom though can't be fixed easily. Even when I left school before my friends and had a few months on my own I cracked up, as we're not meant to be left to our own devices at any time in our lives, it just happens. Some people even compliment me on how busy I keep, mainly as they realise how hard it is to keep occupied without a single person to join in. How can that be guided then? The Celestine Prophecy says once you realise it all is then you have to look for it so I will. Firstly I'm only stuck here for an hour before I go out, I only feel guilty as I wasted a day when it was dry outside and did nothing inside, and have no more plans ahead yet. It is a pisser that when I waste £1 on the paper just in case (I'm not risking getting thrown out of the shop reading it in there) I'll read all the same old shit they've been printing for over 100 years and not see any reference to me there (or again next week when it comes out).
In fact they haven't even been used online which was supposed to be the main reason I took them- had I not posted them myself they'd have just disappeared. A pointless pursuit except it got me out to something I'd never have done otherwise.

So I've increased my collection, know there's guidance, don't need to look for so many signs, and can say I've had my work published in a book. They won't lead to more as that would have involved having the celebrities at the photo shoot, getting my article and own photo in a newspaper (which didn't happen the only time it was submitted), and my TV programmes on terrestrial TV where over a million people would have seen them. I'm getting there certainly but until I do nothing can change.
The guidance ought to now cover all areas, I know it's there and so far haven't reached the point of directing it- only the handful of multi millionaires can claim that and even then can't actually prove it. The Secret claims to demonstrate the principle and am working on it in case. So I'm in limbo and know 100% had I been in the paper I'd have heard about it as no one is that ignorant not to, only TV producers but they have a huge cast of people not to inform, here there's only me.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Progress report 2/2010

My next hope is if my life truly has become guided to extend that from finding road signs to all aspects. It's either there or not, and if is then either me or an outside intelligent universe. I would say from teachings it's more likely to be me, as a sign of all the spiritual development and somehow a matter of learning how to control chaos.

The current system is only really whether my photo will make a newspaper, no one would notice it or lead to any more work but at least will have done it. So far in the freedom (although am working tomorrow but really need the money) I've done another video and otherwise been stuck indoors in the rain. I have found another sign on yesterday's marathon Streetview (it's finally added a few more roads) although a repeat it has paint on where the one I have hasn't, so worth a visit.
Of course one aspect of enlightenment is although one realisation is there's no one else here but you, you don't feel alone but connected. That's a typical paradox of it you'll never get until it happens, but just seeing some sort of organisation in what ought to be chaos, and then seeing it seems to be actually working in my favour is half way there and I'd say the second level of enlightenment, as the first is the synchronicities, now they are for some sort of purpose as well. Then choosing them would be the third. In the end you've got it all and detach from it but like any route may not get the whole way in one lifetime.

Another thing that can happen writing this, just as it does in any situation when you talk about your life, is you work things out. Just by putting it all out there you see it clearly in one place and things can fall into place. If nothing else my collections and CV will continue to increase, although none have yet to actually affect my life in any other way (besides eliminating signs I need to look for). I think so far I've had one client because they saw me on TV and that's probably it. But there are foundations, and some most other people don't have, so I have to keep busy and hope whatever I've started keeps going while I'm getting on with other things.

Monday, February 22, 2010

The guidance continues

I can actually say whatever guidance began last year it's still going. There was what appeared to be a gap, but turned out to be a loop when what it promised did indeed turn up some time later. My interpretation of guidance is where something would have been impossible without a series of totally unconnected events. So the latest was someone did dowsing for me over a map (I do it in my mind and got two areas correctly as well), found a sign in the middle of nowhere, I Googled it, saw the exact sign I thought I saw on Streetview was there, went last week and got it but was a museum exhibit and not official. I put it online and someone who knew I was a collector must have been reminded he had one from 1992 which was in easy reach, but as on a private road no need to remove it. And yesterday I went and saw it as soon as I reached the junction. That is one of the rarest in the country and in perfect condition.

I very much doubt if I hadn't found the first (one photo from the back online only as well, not a single other reference to it anywhere), and without that photo having been taken as it was a museum entrance, they didn't even notice there was a sign in it, I wouldn't have known where in the village it was and wouldn't have gone the 30 or so miles otherwise.
So everything else in my life needs to be joined in it now. My media career crept forward now with the inclusion in the book and photo shoot, and now waiting to hear if it made the paper. I'm pretty certain whatever machine is behind this it's working now, but still need to use the time I have in between usefully. The traditional belief you don't get anything for nothing makes people assume unless you almost kill yourself you'll achieve nothing. In fact it's about knowledge and timing, and the least effort of all is involved unless exams are involved. If that was the criteria I did my effort already and done plenty since- moving house clearing 28 years of family junk on my own (my parents had split up and gone their separate ways by then) in less than a month. I was ill for months after that and only fixed by healing and 36 hours of sleep over three nights. The doctors were at their wits end and I recovered just before I would have been sent for outpatient tests.

I also worked in about four different places, commuting between two or more a day for four years before finding something where I only needed a couple of separate places to work a week. When the school holidays came and there was no teaching I drove a furniture van, delivering and setting up film sets. The fascinating part was being in the location or studio with the director putting everything where they asked, and then sometimes seeing the work you did on TV. Birdseye Potato Waffles I think was our biggest viewing job. Whichever way you look at it I paid my way, and also did the weekly trip to see a video lecture for my meditation course plus a number of extras for 16 months. Being claustrophobic and having to sit quietly in a hall with maybe 100 people crammed in and not miss a week until the master arrived was no joke. He comes once a year and unless you go abroad after 5 months plus and see him yourself you wait till he gets here. At least he didn't come up north when it was my turn, I drove a very easy 50 miles to Brighton which is a holiday resort I know well, and not Birmingham (120 miles) or Manchester (220) which some poor sods had to do a few years later.

So even if you say we need to earn our success I think I have. The media side was begun with amateur theatre at 12, drama classes from 14-19 and cabaret from 16 onwards. My exams had to come first but always kept it up whenever I could. Lack of a union card meant I had to take a side door to TV work via academia, but all the doors reach the same place. So although I'm not an adept yet, where they actually dictate the direction of the guidance, I did swing two very unlikely situations using said methods although science tells me I need many more before I can say I may be responsible. A teacher last week via Facebook said it's all a dream so being an adept simply acknowledges our role as creator and we simply say what we want and it starts becoming real, as it's all ours anyway. And he told every listener to share it so I am, and I am (as in the bible), is his key to success. Out loud say what you want to be a few times, then in your head, and just keep going on one subject and see what happens. Not tried and tested as my recommendations usually are, but just passing his message on.
And even if you dismiss the unknown it's still there, I think anyone seeing the complex linkages which led to me finding the signs I have already and say it's all normal is just pretending science can allow such connections. No way it can.

Friday, February 19, 2010

On the edge

Plenty of progress already, although I didn't begin mixing with any celebrities (the list of contributors to the book was impressive) I've not just done my first photo shoot but had it approved. Though I was happy with them didn't automatically mean the receiver would. Now the other part of the question is whether it'll make the national paper, and I won't know for a week or more on that one. It was meant to be mentioned in this week's but I haven't seen it the first time I looked but won't affect the photos either way. I'm also on the edge of another possible very important old sign I'm checking on Sunday, so never know until I do.

Otherwise it's been a fairly easy time, I'm still clearing my late grandma's house out (two people, 99 year's of stuff in her case), and am showing the first possible buyer once the little bit of work has been done in a week or two. The house was theirs from 1975 when it was built till last year, and I often stayed there as well. But it just became a house when empty.
No other plans really, I can easily piss around for a couple of days between visits to my (separate) parents, the only close relatives I now have. Starting with seven, plus two great grandparents, first my grandpa died in 1965, grandma 1 in 1975, uncle in 1995, grandpa 2 in 1998 and finally grandma 2 in 2009 at 99. My great grandma lasted till 1975 at 94, who I saw regularly throughout. Now if I don't have children, or least of all get married I don't know what I'll do with no one at all left. I won't think about it, and realise even trying to plan for it by vetting women to move in with is a total waste of effort as I hadn't managed it yet just because I made the effort. I can think of a few who are single and acceptable but can't see how the ones I know already are ever going to change their minds. So I'd have to meet someone from scratch and I very rarely do that any more.

After two years of chronic fatigue with the associated infections I really appreciate shopping now. I always liked it but could barely do a thing and thought I may never be able to do what used to come with no effort at all. Now I also appreciate just speaking to the people in the shops as well now as many days they're the only people I do. Now I am able to do it again it's like getting the use of my legs back after an accident and even enjoy Brent Cross for the odd wander around, although I did used to go there for hours until the novelty finally wore off. And they got rid of the Orangery in Fenwicks which was my favourite. Nowadays I've bought everything I need long since, so just the everyday things which run out like food and stuff for the house. At least I appreciate more ordinary things as they are the large part of everyone's life, as well as the area I live, after many years wanting to try elsewhere. In 1988 I did that simply as I couldn't afford locally and realised I may as well have bought a flat on Mars. And not even the chocolate. When you're isolated you realise the pull of the ordinary, Finchley, Highgate, Crouch End etc, and wherever else I go I'll be further and further away from these places I've been to all my life.

The people online who went abroad either hate London or look back with nostalgia, and I think if they have such fond memories why not come back? Half the time our house prices have exceeded everywhere else so much that once you've dropped out of the market forever. That won't happen to me. I don't even care about holidays any more as if I'm free I'm happier wandering around locally and although I'm unlikely to meet anyone I know there (not that I often did, it is London after all), and do wonder how many other people really feel the same or would prefer to go away whenever possible?

So generally I'm still on the edge of many things, fame (people take the pee but like to know how many of them have even got as far as I have), being in a newspaper, another old sign etc, although the biggest current ones, being in a book and doing the photos have happened now. I did just read a woman became a TV extra at 60 and is still going at 98. You never know.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Back to normality

I can now update yesterday's photo shoot. The original arrangement was a book launch for charity (I have a few photos in it) in a restaurant following a cooking demonstration. No way Jose. I was asked to do the photos so simply explained the claustrophobia (that's agoraphobia when you're stuck indoors) and said photos yes, meal no. I wasn't there to socialise but do a job, and that is what I did. Apart from taking photos two summers running on a music holiday I've never done official photography for anyone else before, so a career first. They came out well, there were no celebrities there despite it being a celebrity recipe book, but otherwise did the job I wanted to and only took just over half an hour. If I'm lucky they'll also make the paper as well.

So I've managed something else, life is back to normal and I have another sign to search for at the weekend if it has survived another 18 years since being found. I am now wearing photochromic glasses with the reading bit in which I just collected, and can see very well with them, and actually read better than the usual ones, which is a relief as I only got the new reading bit in May and already seemed a bit too weak. I went along the shops and finally got myself a salt beef sandwich after waiting probably years, which was just as it should be. I also saw a twat in front of me on the roundabout on a mobile, and as always took a photo for the gallery of shame. Except this time the flash went off, and he blocked my way and interrogated me why I did it. I just said he was the guilty one as he'd committed an offence and buggered off sharpish.
I may soon go into retirement on that one, it's becoming too dangerous. He got off the phone straight away though and maybe won't even do it again as he thinks I may be official.

Blogger has decided to shift all photos to the top so rather than try and fix it (see previous entry with photos) I'll just have to leave it as it is. The cooking demo is shown above, and then took random and posed photos of the guests. I haven't heard anything yet from the organiser but hope he's as happy with them as I am.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

For the other agoraphobics here

I am currently kicking my heels until I go out in a couple of hours (more of that later), it's been raining all day so housework and internet quizzes etc until the time comes to go. My bedroom is tidier than it's been since it was built and most of the washing up has been done. I'm also busy on various global warming threads in forums, and the latest lies the IPCC have been caught accepting from any twat who agrees with their ends mean to me if anyone still believes them they should be put in group care.
Someone just turned up one of the best old signs there is on a private road, but seen in 1992. Now I have to go and check at the weekend just in case as the rules didn't affect private roads.

Spending a day alone with your fears is a form of mediation as you clearly see every possible thing you imagine can go wrong when you go out later. Mainly based on very rare but terrifying past experiences then they become the focus simply because that is human nature, magnified many thousands of times in phobics. Technically if it doesn't stop you going somewhere then it's the same as fear of flying, many people have it but still go ahead. But not having to suffer in advance would be nice for a change. The old tablets helped for years until the return after a long gap caused problems preventing their use again. The new ones are quite different but don't affect the thoughts very much like the others did.
Being older and more independent there are also far fewer such events as I simply turn down most others as any mature person is entitled to do. Something I learnt only relatively recently. Anyone who takes offence can screw themselves and aren't worthy of worrying about as I never would in their position.

Anyway, the time is getting closer so half the stress will be over, the run up to such events is always as bad, if not worse if they turn out to be relatively harmless. I'm well beyond caring about it or worse still imagining I can fix it, and as it happens so rarely now just one of those things sent to try us. But remember, for those lucky enough not to suffer, agoraphobia doesn't stop you going out unless severe, it is a morbid fear of it. Quite different in practice.

Friday, February 12, 2010

You can't do it all yourself

Technically although there's nothing wrong at the moment, total emptiness means as well as being able to rest and relax also means I have to make my own amusement. I don't expect too much, nearly everyone else seems to manage somehow to live in a family and that's all I really need, any more would be extra. I managed to edit the video after a few days work and is now loading to Youtube.

It has been a successful year so far, lots of old signs, as per examples. For some reason they've shoved them at the top of the page and when I tried to move them all the text vanished so will stay where they are now. I've seen more people this year than in the last 5 years, had my first work published in a book etc, but technically nothing has changed. Hence the reason I meditate and do similar work as that insulates you from the outside forces whatever they are. But that's the same as sleeping, you can go to bed, lie down and wait but can't make yourself sleep. The same goes there, you meditate but have no control over the results. But nothing else can change your inner being besides drugs and they aren't going to make it better. It's also impossible to rely on the internet for entertainment the whole time, even that runs out of material sometimes and the efforts I make to find friends, old or new, there have only managed occasional meetings. Like any treasure hunter you have to keep digging and if there's one person there who will stick can only carry on, unlike old signs other people are not restricted to a specific number.
So the week of freedom so far has produced a video of Golders Green, two music videos, and a few photos of houses I've seen on my travels. I've done some housework such as washing and filing, and at least found there isn't even a lot left to do. So ahead there's the remaining Streetviewing to do, selling my late grandma's house once we've cleared the last of the belongings, and very little more. It literally seems going round in circles, photos, shopping, family and back again. It's not as if I want to go anywhere else, I want someone here primarily and where I go outside is irrelevant when I come home to an empty house. That is the same as sleeping and meditation, you can't create a person to share with and expect them to want to as well. But although it's 'just happened' for most people, it doesn't for me. I still don't know why either.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I've run out of material

I truly have an open book ahead of me (plus one possible arrangement next week). I was free from today onwards, and besides having an unwanted scene in the video I made of people shopping in Golders Green (tomorrow's history) meaning unless I find a program to fix it no one else will be seeing it have nothing but space ahead. As well as that non-event I can now announce my photos (3) appear in a new book for charity, I won't plug it but anyone who is interested in it leave a comment. The event is the official launch next week and if feel ok will turn up, take photos of the celebrities and bugger off. I'll decide on the day which is the only way I can handle these things. And when the doorbell rang this evening with no one expected it turned out to be my sexy neighbouring MP who may be standing here next time when the areas are merged. Besides seeing her on TV for years she was also single then and looking for a man, by the time I decided to send a message she had clearly moved on. But a nice surprise, she looks just as expected and very nice with it.

Besides a couple of hours of videos I may start watching later tomorrow the day remains unplanned. My filing has been started and washing done, and did want a rest after last week's activities (visitors/visits every day) but not 100%. With no one else in the house making my own entertainment is all there is, and can't keep coming up with ideas, and wouldn't need to if there was someone else to talk to, that would be enough. Funnily enough I did have two offers from women to stay here today, one from an ex who may need a room for a few days and the other from a married woman who wasn't really serious. She probably would otherwise but not much use after the event. And then only maybe for my mind, they so often do, screw a bastard and unload on me. No obvious answers to that one.

So the CV has increased, I have now had work published in a book at the age of just 50, so shows if you have something to offer and keep offering it (especially for nothing, although in this case I actually paid a little to buy the book as well) it will eventually be accepted. Not so myself apparently, as no single acceptable woman has yet coincided with interest in me since 2002. But I do my best and when I used to be able to follow up every possible lead spent years on dodgy blind dates and never scored with any but one of them. The usual venue was a pub, and unless the few who lived near me were at their end, from Essex to Surrey and all points between. A few saw me and ran (I saw them do it), the others were average (I'd seen photos by then, no shocks after 30 for me), but despite being quite happy to give them all a go none saw me more than a few times and didn't let me do anything before disappearing. I went anywhere more or less, paid for them and from what I remember need one who shares my sense of humour before she gets me. The rest seem to be from another planet (the boring one) and don't get me at all.

I've also seen an apparent lack of any supernatural events or spiritual progress recently. Everything seems very ordinary and although once you know it's not as simple as that it can still appear to be, and long enough to almost forget it is. I can't imagine what may happen next on that front, and wondering how long it will take to edit my video as well, a task you'd assume would be included with the camera. Nope. I admit things have gone pretty smoothly this week, a business issue has been sorted out, my sunglasses are being made and all food is here. I filled the free day today with no trouble at all, and shouldn't think about the next following besides an idea to fill it, which so far hasn't come to me. It's too cold to walk around much outside as I do when it is, could make another video few people will watch in another suburb like the others, and make a few dubious speculative phone calls when I get back. I never mind digging for gold but only when I know there is some there at all, however little. I may only turn up cat poop at this rate though.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Looking at my possibilities

Choices, go to bed at a sensible time or blog? You already know the answer. A better weekend than possible, two old signs found yesterday and another business issue sorted out today. The week ahead is clear besides letting the charity collectors in at my late grandma's tomorrow and then take my glasses to have new lenses fitted. That will mop up tomorrow during the daylight and the rest is clear, last week's activities were fine at the time but couldn't do them regularly, spreading people out evenly is obviously better but I don't make the rules.

I do recall a time (before the profile links here went for a year) when the blog was quite a busy place. 50 hits a day and regular comments. I'm relieved two people still comment but where are the rest? OK, the two who called me every name known and a few more are quite welcome to disappear, but knowing from experience how few people blog regularly on their own lives (as opposed to reviewing events or gadgets as if they want a job in some shitty magazine with a few million other aspirants) I am one of the few who has kept going from day one. As life keeps going why on earth would I stop?
I don't read as many now admittedly, you lose the habit when not able to, and then none of the old people are still there. I found a few new ones to link and that was it.

Using the many new age methods I should be able to test my own prowess (assuming they aren't cack after all) this week and direct something positive in. Focus on one thing and see. Today would also have been my grandma's 100th birthday, she made 99 and 4 months which was a bit of a waste of all that preparation, but a lot better than nearly everyone else gets. And me, for having a grandma till I was 49. Only my parents now, and then nothing until 2nd cousins. Not a good prospect that. I still can't believe making an effort to find a person or two to support me in the future can make it happen, especially from people I already know who are at arm's length. My most reliable friends return any time from 2012 but may not be local when they do. The only very dubious ways to get company at home are tenants (no thanks, one in 10 may be ok and then bugger off after a few weeks or so), or pay for a carer. Well I can only see my income covering my requirements and not for a second person as well. So what the hell does anyone do? Search me.

As almost guaranteed (I would have bet on it, although a 1/6 chance it always happens) my book arrived the day I'm not here, I knew it would as they always do. So I won't see it till Thursday, no surprise there. I intend to go to the launch as invited to do the photography and explained my position with regard spending any time there. I haven't even walked in a restaurant for years so no idea the odds of a panic attack. It's not that I always do, but the possibility and fear in advance that are the killers, trust me. Besides one actress I was taken with, I can't think of a single celebrity photo I've taken (who has?), mainly as you never know when you'll see one and secondly it's bloody rude to point a camera in their faces in the street. Plenty of autographs as those are normal, but no more. I did get the backs of John and Edward from X Factor from traffic lights last month but not worth looking at.
I'm also checking out a job for the first time in a few years as well. I don't want one mind you, not a tough one anyway like this, but it's the only one I've seen at my professional level I could get to at all so have to investigate. And if you don't really want it then you can almost guarantee they'll offer it to you, just like with women. It's only when you're interested people turn you down, with very few exceptions.

I haven't had a regular job for a very long time. After losing my last I tried almost solidly for 5 years, getting one which lasted a week as there were no customers to be there to serve. Instead of wasting my time I then studied from home for over a year to get my qualifications up to scratch to apply for professional counselling jobs, and when I did the best I got was a single interview after another year and a half trying. It's a job where people are nearly all self employed and the cream get anything regular. I will see. Of the two the photography is far more important for my career as I'm a counsellor already but no media work, and would earn a lot more from the media as well as a lot more variety. I can keep the clients as always but plenty of space for media work and the huge sums of money they pay wouldn't go amiss either. No qualifications required either, just pure chance if you've any talent at all.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

A busy week

A very unusual week for the last decade or so, after 11 people for my birthday on saturday, the two people delayed by the snow came for dinner (delivered), then a work booking followed by an old girlfriend arriving from Manchester with very little notice for the evening, one booking yesterday and out with a friend today. It can't last though and like most phases of all types will open and close. The book with my photos in is in the post now and will do my best to get to at least some of the launch as can take them there as well, besides the incredible network opportunities, but can't handle a crowded restaurant very long though and may not even make any of it. Nothing is worth suffering for for any cause, besides taking exams once they're over then all other suffering is either forced on us or an option. And I believe if I miss one opportunity another will turn up in its place, that only doesn't work with women as business and pleasure have quite different laws.

No more real plans now, I am getting new lenses put in my sunglasses this week, and otherwise it will be business as usual unless more possibilities turn up. Meanwhile a new teacher I've subscribed to gave a very interesting description of enlightenment (he really seems to both understand and explain it), if meditation is where the thing you focus on becomes all you are aware of, when that is focused on consciousness itself you experience enlightenment. And when it becomes all you experience continually you are enlightened. That makes sense.
Between visitors/visits I've been making a few local videos which are more popular than my musical ones, although the comedy is by far the most popular. I think that's about right as of all the videos and shows I've done the comedy is my favourite as well. Most people who play an instrument can do it better than me but not as many people can do comedy full stop. You can't learn that in lessons, it's either there or not.
So after wanting a career in the media I have a possible break, but one on the borderline of my own tolerance levels. I'll just see how I feel on the day and take it from there, I can't do any better.

No more answers but plenty of questions then, and few ideas new or otherwise. So just wait and see again, there's no more I can do. It was a very productive week but left me with little more than memories.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Limbo is near Hendon

11 people over for my birthday on Saturday, two visitors on Tuesday delayed from when it was snowing, a client yesterday followed by old girlfriend's arrival from Manchester in the evening as she was told the train home may be cancelled from snow so came to see me instead, and a client tonight. The phase of energy for anything arrives, opens and closes again, whether good, bad or indifferent they are around. Otherwise I've made a couple of local videos but when I ran out of discs instead of buying more tried to 'manage' the ones I had, meaning I wrecked one scene (not lost but wrecked) and haven't found a way to save the films and burn them to large DVDs to reuse the little ones. I have the hardware but only get error messages.

But like when I had friends over from school they don't stay so back where I was once they've gone, and really need someone else locally I can at least go and see regularly as well. I've got two more videos uploading since I did lose some data to wipe one disc completely as I wanted to make a video and it was too late to buy more tonight. I don't even know what I wiped out but assumed I had a hard copy and forgot to check what was on it. Never mind. Besides a 2 hour video that needs watching in one go (too late really now) there was nothing on TV at all today, so didn't mind working a double session (time, not money) and am now wondering what to do and say here as neither is exactly inspired. Tomorrow's taken care of with chores, and the cleaner's coming the next day so have to wait in for her. Not that I have a single idea left for where to take photos as 4 years is a long time to cover a large area when going almost daily.

So although I can look back on past achievements they haven't affected the present (besides making me go and get some things I've got already), the book with a couple of my photos in it has just come out and should be in the post, and can't see any more than that. So that means I can now do the washing up as it's the last thing on the list and any more will have to come to me as I can't go and get it at the moment. There's always housework to do but it's been a long day/week and I'm too tired now. That will wait.

Monday, February 01, 2010

I'm not suffering if I can help it

Search me, but I do feel like I've entered a new level at 50. I will see. I put a heck of a lot of work into the last decade, whatever some people think. As there is no formula for finding women after mid 20s when the good ones get hooked up I can still count plenty of attempts on the system, nearly all turned down. That wasn't my fault. I also went to a whole heap of spiritual lectures and courses, gained a few qualifications there as well and practice a number of the things I was taught. Although I often mention the things I can't do, when I'm doing well there are others I can. So with or without effort we all deserve success if we haven't done any harm. Effort is fine with exams or paid work but for personal ambitions it's more being in the right place at the right time and knowing what to say.

I do feel so far most of that has been wasted for me, although I know it helps others who can use it for their own problems. So many healers and therapists suffer more than their patients, and is probably due to their sensitivity that allows them to understand others so well. But it doesn't stop us doing the work, we just suffer as well. I need someone to look after me, not because there's anything wrong with me but I believe everyone does, or why would marriage exist? The last few decades of my life could be better if I settle for almost anyone rather than keep waiting for someone I actually choose. Of course then they can turn up, probably within days, as that seems to happen nearly every time. No Russians, Thai, or Ghanaians for me. Besides the Thai women nearly all the rest are simply coming here to rob you and bugger off with a new British passport. No thanks.

Today actually turned up another old sign on a road I rarely use and must have passed driving the other way and missed it last time I looked. Only another road number but one I haven't got already so useful. And I only found it as I made a mistake and took a wrong route meaning a 3 mile detour exactly where it was. Who made that happen? Not me, I know that. Now if that force can take me over more and show me both where the remaining signs are and get me where I want without having to suffer for it (eg meeting the celebrities in the photo book without visiting a restaurant, my equivalent of prison) and I have suffered quite enough already so no reason to experience it to show me any more. The theory is once we know suffering we no longer need to experience it to know the opposite. Those who do are guaranteed to become ill physically and/or mentally as it's not continuous suffering required for success and to remember the contrast with pleasure, but a sample of it. I've had enough samples to fill an olympic pool anyway.

I had 11 very nice people over for my 50th birthday, they all got on well and knew them between 2 years and a lifetime (theirs as I was a bit older). I hope some go on to see each other again, a few met for the first time but most were regulars. I may not see any of them very often now but at least they're still around and just the same. The odd thing is I think besides one woman (no comment here) none live less than a few miles away so can't just pop over like I used to in the old days around Golders Green. Most friends lived within half a mile when I was at primary school, then a couple of miles at secondary. As I saw a few since then I never had any trouble, even when I moved as I was used to going there already. None at all left now. Many in the past vanished just leaving London although possible to visit once or twice a year. But if they moved back it was back to normal. It's just not convenient to see friends once they go beyond a certain point, and they clearly agree as it's as much for them to come here as vice versa. But quite reasonable not to. One reason I want to return to civilisation is where I live now is not the professional intellectual oasis that is Golders Green. Plenty of reasonably nice people but not the sort of material I'm used to.

So I see possibilities ahead of me. Even with no plans today I managed something useful, and hope the momentum keeps up. And literally every day now more IPCC 'mistakes' come out. The latest is the mountain ice data was purely from interviews with mountaineers. Very scientific backgrounds and considered anecdotal evidence, the sort dismissed unless corroborating something real. Anecdotal evidence alone has no function in science yet because they are political, not scientific, it was quite valid for that. Bear in mind scientific findings don't need to be twisted or exaggerated. I'm not aware of any modern scientific theory that's had to do that to get it past whoever approves it, so why do this lot need to? Good question?