Monday, September 29, 2008

Nothing left but enlightenment

Well so far it's a pretty free week ahead, and I've kept busy enough since the plans finally ran out. No more projects or expectations, only the new belief in enlightenment which could cover all other areas if the effort pays off. Everyone I contacted hasn't replied, and the one who may (an official one) was probably sent to the wrong place anyway now I've done my homework. I still have little ideas for afternoons out but no actual projects aiming for success in any area I haven't got already.
Not having enough has been the theme of my life really, I've made the list before and really believe compared to maybe 90% of people I've had a raw deal. If you look at the statistics I've lost out nearly every step of the way. OK, since then I've learnt to accept all of them besides being single which feels like a life sentence in solitary, but of course all the rest buggered up my life till I did accept them. They call it a challenge...

I genuinely believe I'm not so repellent to both women and employers. I maybe aim too high but why settle for third best for anything you have to live with long term? How women 'know' they're more attractive and desirable than average always beats me but they are nearly always the fussiest. As for jobs I filtered firstly those in Central London (sensible) and then only went for the many part time on offer as my previous 5 years part time suited me perfectly. Not for men though apparently, or very popular. Or both. A few hundred applications is not what I call being lazy anyway before I and my health gave up. So the freedom is the compensation at least, although like when I was 16 and finished my exams early, not so much fun when everyone else is busy.

Expecting anything is a human failing, as many people I know demonstrate. Even expecting enlightenment from following your teachers. You may feel empty wih no hopes but it's far better than the alternative of disappointment. But preferring something better is more reasonable as you realise it's probably never going to happen but would be nice if it did. Currently we can't (whatever Al Gore says) change the weather, and there is a very long list of other things we have little control over. In that context enlightenment seems quite high up the list in comparison as we know what to do and have all the time there is to do it. But till then we are not and react to everything as usual and suffer as a result. We don't have controlover our reactions, only how to respond to them. That means to watch them rather than get involved with them. The theory is eventually they get bored and go away. There's no better rule besides my tablets so that is what I do.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Inspiration and expiration

Well, the current theme is 'nearly' in all but one area. Nearly means nothing either, you don't see anything coming until it happens, and although each start I've made this week adds to the list, I know few if any have any real substance behind them but it costs nothing to try. Not when it just means sending an email or enquiry off. But probably the real big thing, ie Sage Amrit from the last entry seems to cover all the jobs for me. I have watched a few hours of him since Tuesday and he seems as far as anyone can know the real thing. He can't be much more than 20, and became enlightened after 118 days of following the practices of the online guru who led me towards him from her own videos. But where she spoke waffle (sorry GuruSwami) he just speaks sense. I follow and understand everything he says. She has a list of daily practices to follow, and explains it's that and nothing else if you choose to join. I have followed enough guys already and still believe the single simple practice we can do all the time I already have, what I needed was the removal of the doubt in my mind it could lead anywhere and this is what Amrit has demonstrated to me. I understand many who see it will mean nothing to them, but you need both an interest and background in the area to know, and if you have it should demonstrate what it does.

I won't get bogged down in the technical details that leave most people cold, but at least this lineage recognises the role of kundalini energy, although my teacher's teacher did as well he hasn't seen any need to include it. I assumed that although we all knew it was real maybe he didn't see it as leading anywhere. And the reason we all know it's real is it's simply sexual excitement, at least the way most of us are familiar with it. Now if that escapes and fills the body it does clever things, it evolves us while alive to higher states. So even though it'll be activated whether a teacher believes in it or not this group know and understand every aspect of it. I activated mine from a very early meditation tape before I learned anything else, although the only lasting effect was being able to repeat the performance at various levels but with no actual personal changes recorded. I dropped it as a result as it seemed to be pointless, but it's come back now big and proud regardless of any other side effects and can't knock that.

Otherwise my admin work has been taking over half the week, plus it pissed with rain till today so made sure said admin work was done. Of course I'm feeling bloody disappointed currently simply because absolutely nothing I've done the last few days has shown any results besides the (most important) spiritual work. But the mind casts doubts from time to time on even that and I need to work through the last ones to be free. It's the usual assortment of attempts as always. Having to find an old email led me to many lost or forgotten ones, and one which gave me an address back in the new year I only just read and followed up. I then emailed a bunch of old friends, one excepted as she said she wanted me to email again and never replied since. Every woman from before has treated me equally as well, clearly satisfied with what they already have and no need to worry about the fact I was around before.
None of the latest work enquiries have turned into appointments, and unless I'm broke no longer give a fuck really. I don't need to practice to maintain my abilities, not after 17 years. A couple of hours a week is quite enough to stop me getting rusty and while the weather and light holds up I'm quite happy with the freedom and even did some more gardening. And one sideline, my work is one area people can and do swear. Not me too much but besides the clients having carte blanche as that is their privilege, if they use the words enough then I can quote them partly as it's relating to them in their own way. Now when I was 'sent' to a psychiatrist at 14 (about #3, except #1&2 were psychologists) he started saying 'fuck' I was not at all impressed. He was pretty fucking useless actually (see, it starts people off), but I suppose better than not trying at all. I was brought up not to use bad language and I only do here after a couple of years seeing pretty articulate and clever guys doing it and finally losing my inhibition. There's one forum I'm on that is one huge pissing contest, with middle aged intellectuals seeing who can outswear the others just because it's allowed. Most forums censor ass and hell so after some time being constricted it all hangs out. One more reason I do as well (especially as I'm a moderator!).

One more thing Amrit has taught me is not to care about plans as the future isn't there. You can plan a diary but not care about what's happening ahead. Or the past either really. And you don't need to be enlightened first, you can do all this stuff anyway. Be spontaneous and follow your heart. I was half way there as have learnt all this already but he has made me practice and trust it totally now as I can see the difference. I rarely plan here before I write and some of the ones I've liked the most were when I came blank. If the mind starts worrying about tomorrow, I just see 'that's the mind worrying' and carry on rather than acting on it. It'll soon get fed up and stop doing it. I just saw the spellcheck underlined 'learnt' there. No system is perfect clearly. I've never seen a good word underlined before so caught it out. Anyway, my mind is still wondering about tomorrow as there's a huge space, but of course they always get filled somehow. And you can't avoid wondering if any of the other starts will ever finish. Until we're enlightened, that is.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Satsang from everywhere

The large hadron collider seems to sum up just about everything about 21st century life. It was hyped for years before it happened, claimed to start working before it did, and broke down after two days. It also generates the sensasionalism and apocalyptic nonsense the world seems to need to stop the people falling asleep. Of course, as our own Times pointed out that week, none of them have ever happened. Global warming being the latest. It's bad enough claiming some disease is about to wipe out most of the world, but finding a potential disaster they can rob us for is the ultimate insult. I can't tell what's going to happen tomorrow outside a small parameter of routine, but collecting all the data from my life and history can say when disasters happen very few can be seen in advance and prepared for. They just happen like the flu. One minute everything's normal then it hits you. End of.
So when every major speculation of the last 50 years ends like the LHC, wet (due to a ton of liquid helium leaking), broken (two magnets packed up and screwed the whole thing for months) and not actually capable of doing what it's claimed, it really sums up most of life in general.

My clients do like my quotes from Buddha, and a number have taken it up at least in their own ways as a result just as I did. He turns us away from every trap of the material world and even if enlightenment is for the few (more on that soon) the practical stuff stops us being disappointed by a particularly uncaring and totally unreliable world. You cultivate the inner garden and are no longer affected by the sewer outside. Of course you do find gold rings and diamonds in sewers but they are mostly full of shit as is the material world. Adverts, crap TV programmes, lies in the newspapers, thieves, disease, slums, etc etc are there however rich or poor you are. You can't avoid dross by any status as it's all around us. Learn how to ignore and rise above it and then it can't affect you as much. I do know compared to many people I deal with a lot more than they can as it frightens me to hear how much so many educated people still don't understand. I may be unable to do physical things (which I could do once) but that is simply a disability that comes with age and little connected with understanding. But if someone's rude to me, or earns more than I do etc, as many people I know, it's just how things always are. The fuss people make as they can't get the right car or their partner goes out too much shows how spoilt so many people have become, that they get so much they only see what they don't get and focus on that. It's pathetic and totally unnecessary.

And going to decent teachers does help. In 1996 I was shown a video of the first lecturer who said the sort of things I wrote about in booklet a couple of years earlier. I was already phobic of audiences but was so interested in learning more my friend dragged me to a live video performance and told the woman in charge my problem. I forced myself to sit through one or two videos a week for 15 months plus evening assessments all over London in order to learn to meditate properly. So many people told me this was the best way I still accept there is no better, having tried all the others now just to check. Once I started this track he kept finding new people and I got used to going, and since then have heard my own advice given by numerous people who have all worked it out themselves. That is why I don't consider myself arrogant or superior as all I do is present more or less the same as they do as it works. It's just like driving lessons only there are thousands more situations off the road to learn than on it. But if you keep finding a way to deal with each trap in the end the last boundary is enlightenment itself. Which leads me nicely to a video I found which actually explains it in words, as opposed to vague generalities as most enlightened people parrot, adding 'it can't really be expressed in words'. Well this guy used the same words they do, but I understood them.
This is what it's about guys, just listen to him now rather than me on the subject as he covered it all.

This is Sage Amrit. I haven't seen all the videos yet besides this one but it's all here.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The perfect woman

I have some time on my hands and instead of doing something constructive (I think I may have done enough this week) I came here. Probably as most people have others around to talk to, and I don't. I'm still thinking about the woman from school who after doing the usual fantasy ranking of who would make the best partner came out on top. I reckon if I'm not careful she could find this blog and see what I've done to make her into of an object of worship but I suppose the hints I've already dropped she can probably work it out already. In a couple of years in that school, the first mixed secondary school I went to after a few years locked up with all boys, I was totally overwhelmed by both the variety and the quality of what was there. Of course being 12 meant I had no idea how their minds worked as well as I was so fascinated with their bodies.
I worked my way through attempts at every attractive female there over that period, phone calls, and unfortunately following my mad genius friend Jacob, suggestive comments.

Jacob was literally the mad scientist stereotype, he was American, Jewish and a complete genius. He was the worst behaved person in the class, and possibly the whole school, but never got into trouble. We had a substitute teacher once for English (one who normally worked in the 6th form) and on being told off by her replied 'Fuck this shit!'. Now having taught teenagers myself for 6 years in the 80s onwards found little unusual in this nowadays, but in about 1973 was totally revolutionary. He grabbed girls by the behind and swore at anyone he disagreed with and became the only bad influence anyone has ever been to me. Such a role model, the brains combined with the total lack of respect for authority, was my exact dark side portrayed in reality. Like someone I met afterwards he seemed to have no inhibitions, but unlike the other guy, not through neurosis but a total sense of freedom and superiority that gave him the right to do so.

Like everyone else I knew I pursued him online as although we had been good friends he vanished to boarding school at 16 and never heard from him again. And eventually someone there told me he'd been killed in a car accident at about 25. He could and almost definitely would have been a famous scientist otherwise, and was a total waste of one of the most interesting people on the planet. Anyway, as he performed with no known consequences, I followed and got myself suspended. Clearly as the leader he was immune from punishment (until he was thrown out eventually and met me at the school where people who got thrown out from there went to) but anything I did was treated the way it normally would. Maybe the staff seemed to be affected by him the way I was as well. But it put most of the girls off pretty quickly as they all thought I was the school lunatic. And in that school it would be like competing for the cleverest person in Cambridge. There was lots of competition.
In among all the attempts one of my solid group of four, who went everywhere and did everything together regardless of whoever else we mixed with, and I latched on to two girls in the lower class. He paired off with one and I paired off with the other, for a week or so at least. Mine went off me soon after while his hung around and seemed more interested in him than vice versa, and we also swapped one day although his one wouldn't actually go near me.

I think I must have told the story how I found her via the school magazine and both of them randomly ended up in New York, and all the pictures she sent me just confirmed what I already thought, and having had all the talkative and demanding women since school have now settled for a quiet one like her who creates absolutely no stress at all. Being in touch with her again simply tells me what it could and should be like with someone who is actually here and available. Knowing we can recapture the past as all work done then is credited (I know enough people who have proved this to be correct) it just takes one from the past or the present and that will be done. And she is proof however distant someone is that people like that do exist and I do not make my standards so high no one can ever meet them. Again it's the intuition working that tells me far more than I can see, and when I do then find more confirms I was right. I'm going to the toilet now, goodbye.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Number plates

Parked in front of me in Battersea, this is from a diplomat in the British embassy in Guyana, having returned home to England. The plate analysis is DPL for diplomat, 1 for British and -06 for which car in the fleet.

Unusual number plates seen in and around London

An assortment

Following the latest teaching I've come across, enjoy the small things rather than look at the rest. Besides discovering my 5 second appearance on Big Brother has gone online I've just seen a video of someone describing their enlightenment word for word from the manual. He seemed genuine enough, and really seemed to be experiencing what I'd describe as human evolution, where we are able to move up a level of consciousness to one I certainly see as not quite enough. If indeed this is happening more often it's unlikely to be the effort of the teachers. These guys have been around the west since The Beatles made them popular, and I still bump into old hippies who have spent years in India or followed these guys elsewhere and are still no further on their journey than me. It's about success rate. Many teachers say how few students will become enlightened but some are now seeing it happen more and more. I don't think they know why either as we all basically do the same things, hear the same things and only some practice more than others. But the stories of those at it for years show effort is not the only factor in success. Others say it's either going to happen or not anyway and out of our control. But either way it sounds the way I should be and will work at the rest of my life between the other things.

I'm on between 1.30 or so and 1.40 shaking hands with Jason.
Otherwise it's business as usual. I like words, especially rude ones, and it's always funny how business means work and shit as in my case the two are very similar. Currently as my attempts to forge a career have made me a jack of all trades and barely doing any of them. How many other words are like that? Duty for one, in America anyway. Done my duty means exactly the same two choices, and it's no coincidence people assign the same words to work and jobs (one more) to defecation. Jobs, business, duty, made a pile (two meanings again), the human mind has always related muck and brass probably back to the stone age. We didn't actually record a shit age, but Freud did, as we all go through the anal stage, and any disturbance with transition leaves us attached to whichever one it was, so mine is obvious. So overeaters were probably disturbed during the oral stage and all the others with current results for each. That makes my mind automatically drift to all the other fetishes we don't share, one man loves and another hates. We all know the places I mean, feet, piss, bottoms etc. Very few men have no opinion, they either avoid them or make a beeline for them, and none can change how they feel per area. But Freud (had he not actually been so embarrassed as he was a prude, despite his findings) would have assigned each preference to an early experience although I think some are just programmed in from birth like preferences for food or anything else. But better to think about than global warming, Barack Obama or any of the other media drizzle that's overwhelming us from all angles.

Now if either candidate said they'd make oral sex legal across the country (some states still ban it) they'd get a landslide. Imagine that, the cunnilingus president. Barack Obama went down in history in 2008 for making cunnilingus legal. Now that would get my vote and a poster on the wall. I'd want them to knock down the statue of liberty and replace it with Barack going down on his wife for that. Even though it doesn't affect me it would be one of the greatest things to hit the world since some countries in Europe legalised prostitution. Politics, world affairs, art, literature? Give me bodily functions over all of these as they are real and here now. Look at Chaucer, he became part of English classes the world over by writing about farts. I make no apology for bringing things back to the bathroom or bedroom as that's where we all share something, and can enjoy every experience at no cost or study. Actually if I was in charge I wouldn't just legalise oral sex, I'd make it compulsory and on demand. Why just do half the job?

Of course besides the physical my other great passion is the supernatural, as like our limited normal consciousness, our physical limits are both restricted and have the potential for much more. I know the edges but others claim they extend far more. I'll keep looking and don't believe there won't be more.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Freedom of speech

There are times and places we all have to work in a role, and restrict what w say and how we say it, usually while working in some capacity. And even places like here we have to be careful just in case someone there sees it, which isn't entirely impossible. But maybe if I was totally straight in telling someone their faults were imaginary they may actually respond faster than the professional approach which drags it out for weeks.
What does bother me is how people get them in the first place. Imagined inadequacies, beliefs in the good of others clearly not good, overlooking the obvious faults in others, assigning impossible causes to situations, all from normally rational people. We're taught it's the emotions, inner child and subconscious that do this, but to be so powerful to create a blind spot in a normally sensible person is tragic. I'm not planning to test this theory on anyone to see but I'm sure there are therapists who do and it may well work.

So I can speak freely here but still within limits. Some you learn by experience. I like to share things and with few actual real people around this is a good alternative. And I can never imagine myself falling into the 'false conclusion' trap described by Albert Ellis. You see an effect, don't know the cause and invent one that becomes the truth for you and no one else. Until someone, usually a therapist, tracks it down and corrects it. If I don't know something I think of possibilities but can't assign blame as so many do. Or be labelled. If a parent runs a child down they can carry that with them for life. Mine ran me down probably more than average, as being an only child wasn't just the best (little chance) but the worst, as there was no other to compare me with. So I was the worst behaved, most selfish, most big headed and all that sort of thing. So I've heard it all my life and don't need it now from people who are only guessing. Spend some actual time with me and then decide, but not from here alone. But I've never accepted any of the crap, if it feels wrong it always is, no matter how well presented. But so many people accept authority automatically. Anyone who says you've got a big nose must be right if they are important, whether or not you actually have one. According to some anyway.
The official rule is not to accept rubbish that does not belong to you, and if you have then give it back. Buddha or Carl Rogers, take your pick. But people miss it and otherwise I'd have no work at all. Once you have this formula and learn how to present it it is a routine when so many very intelligent people still pick up ticks from outside and carry them until they feel a pain from them. Then someone is called in to get rid of them. Search me for the answers, it's human nature and a side exploited by our great leaders to lie through their teeth and get us to believe cold is hot (the current special offer).

Our intuition may be one of the two useful things I've discovered in life, the other being how apparently random events must be connected. But the second is outside me, the first is very much part of me. I've become firstly able to confirm its existence and secondly recognise its call, so the usual nonsense rarely catches me out simply as it feels wrong. The fact I then need to spend ages researching it to convince others is just the way it works, but others like me tell the world the same thing. Why do only a few people own and run the majority of the world? Because only they are not affected by this weakness, plus usually have the psychopathic streak to turn it against those that do. It's a single formula and impossible to be caught once you know it, but still see enough people fall for it it takes all our effort to turn the tide. The truth is not much use when hidden in a safe and guarded with the mafia. Intuition points us to it indirectly without even having a combination to open the safe, and when the truth does come out then confirms the intuition was always right despite no facts to prove it.
I read this recently after realising it myself. The highest truth is known already, the rest is discovered outside. How we know is not for us to know or care about, like all other powers, which was also in this passage. You don't need to know how a machine works to use it and neither for our higher powers. So when I don't always make sense it can be because it's very hard to present a known with few facts to confirm it to others. But the one thing you can use is your own heart. Regardless of evidence, does what people say feel right? If so, then you've found your own intuition. Once you have, forget about worrying about the evidence as whether or not that follows you'll find you are right. That's what it does.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Half my life story

Another day, another day. That is as far as it goes. Besides the rain that stopped me doing more photos of places I've been to before, so many people around me seem to be having so much activity in their lives they insist on sharing in detail I thought was confined to my grandma, and all I can do is nod and say very little. When I have activity in my life I rarely mention it as I am quite busy enough doing it. I talk far more about what isn't happening than what is, and have so much time on my hands. And do they fucking moan! Because they aren't getting exactly what they want (while I am getting precisely nothing) all they see are the holes while everyone else sees the cheese. And there's nothing I can do to get any of my own without paying for it, which I have never done.

So my quest to drag someone out of the past continues, with no more results than stage one where I've discovered them and then goes straight to eliminating them. I'm still not sure if it's worse when they don't reply or they do and don't remember me. I have the sort of photographic memory that lasts unchanged through time and misses no one. Some may need a push but if I see a familiar face I've yet not to recognise who it is. Maybe many would rather forget, and unlike me their lives have steadily improved over time rather than buried themselves. So as I need a few decent people around again I prefer the route of what you know as finding new ones happens so randomly it may not happen for years. And in 48 years you meet thousands of people so however low the odds (and remember it's happened to people I know) even one in a thousand means it should happen sooner or later.
My little twist today was not emailing someone directly but their brother, as men keep their names so are easier to find. If he remembers me that'll be a miracle but was the only route open to me for a woman who was one of the best looking I've known, although a pretty miserable bitch.

As it is, I spent a few years with her around one way or another, as although she only turned out to live a couple of miles away I met her on my annual music holiday where she was part of the large crowd of teenagers who all roved the area together while their parents went to concerts and played classical music. She was one of the many girls who was just a bit too young to be interested in me but all what you would call on the verge of aristocracy, public school, parents who ran the country and my standard type. After she stopped going there she turned up on TV, with massive tits which suited her perfectly (very similar to Dolly Parton, short, blonde but natural, and well endowed), and was nice to see her and a number of others I knew on the same programme over its many years on BBC. My school was a showbiz one, and some of the kids followed their parents into the business not through talent but sharing a surname. Occasionally a parent would turn up on school business and that meant seeing greats like Paul McCartney, Jim Dale and John Alderton walking up the school path which doesn't happen in many other places.

I never knew the background of the girls I used to chat up until I'd started chatting, but always managed to find the upper crust ones somehow, and not that I'm showing off as it meant nothing to me, one from Roedean, an MP's niece, an ambassador's daughter, and had one date with a minister's daughter. Coming from a totally working class Jewish background finding myself meeting women who had spent weekends at Buckingham Palace and having lunch with retired MPs was certainly not planned but clearly something I must have resonated with. I met girls from Marble Arch and Kensington and was then introduced to all their even posher friends, some who tried very hard to get me to speak properly and not use common words like toilet and couch. Very much like the Woody Allen films where he goes out with the most gentile of gentiles, and looks like the sore thumb visiting their redneck or upper crust families. Those days are well behind me now, and my connections since then have nearly all been from identical backgrounds as my own. Poor Jewish families who did well through education. First generation professionals whose parents couldn't afford further education. A very well trodden path and not without a vast slice of neurosis along the way.

I suspect this entry should be split into chapters, I rarely read beyond a page myself so shouldn't expect anyone else to, but it's a very long life story which needs more room than these provide.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Finding the truth

Before I start I just want to say why the internet is a better source of news than the conventional (biased and corrupt) media. Tomorrow is meant to be when the Large Hadron Collider comes on line. Well what they have done is present it as if it's going to be working and used then, but in fact tomorrow is when they turn it on and begin a minimum of three months of tests before it's actually used. Just preparing you all for the disappointment tomorrow before it actually happens.

Right, I've got that out of the way. This week continues the theme of the last few, minor activities to just keep me interested enough in life but no more, and no ideas for more. Running out of photo ideas and no new hobby in sight even the places I plan to visit for postcodes probably won't have them as each borough decides whether to use them or not outside the London codes. One more pack of postcards to deliver to somewhere that closed as I approached it on Saturday, assuming they want it, and as always not one but two work appointments this week after a couple of months off.

That's as far as reality goes, all else will be from my fertile imagination, and probably revolve around the inevitability of non events in all our lives. The LHC (collider) is a pretty good example, although that is delayed rather than defunct, but we don't actually know when it'll be used, let alone how long they expect to take before it actually provides any results they can use. I've learnt never to expect anything now, as we all should, and only a part of eastern teachings they all take for granted. As for my personal abilities of perception all I can say is we all have things that interest us, and one of mine is blowing apart all the illusions of the world. Once you learn any formula you can then apply it indefinitely, and I simply check all rules and stories to see if they hold up, and many don't. The fact few care to do it, and from them few actually do a decent job then it means much of what I say is if not original, bloody hard to find. Like the LHC. I found two sites so far telling the truth but besides one random caller on the radio all the official media are talking like it's being used tomorrow. Bollocks it is.

I have seen through enough scams and illusions, and also have to correct many in my work which only exist in the minds of the people who come to see me, it is just what I do. People often don't like it as it's the 'original sin' of telling your kids Father Christmas doesn't exist. You don't get any flowers from telling the truth in this world. People accept the authorities on the threat of global warming even though there is no evidence it will do any harm at all (especially compared to any benefits of it which you never see talked about, such as many fewer people dying of the cold). With such a huge gap people like me have to fill it, and a few such as Nils-Axel Morner and Philip Stott do a very good job in the area of the climate, and David Icke generally, but he tarnished his reputation by throwing in the lizards. Conspiracies, of course, but lizards? Keep that bit to yourself!
But besides a handful of whistle blowers in public, the others are either so scared to talk, or so poor at communicating it's down to a handful to keep going and get whatever force there is in return from those that don't like it. No praise but one mind taught is worth all the manure thrown at me if it happens. You don't choose to do this, you just realise you see something and hardly anyone else does, even when you point it out. Elephants in rooms really are invisible to the blind of will.

Denying the holocaust. Questioning the truth of the bible is one thing, it was written and then heavily edited and there is no evidence for much of its writings. But out of all current events (ie that happened within our lifetimes) people still try and pretend the holocaust didn't happen? No one questions the genocide of the Aborigines or Native Americans, or who won the world wars, or the US Civil War, but a few jew-haters (antisemites is too vague) have no hesitation to simply pretend it didn't happen, while every other current event is impossible to deny as people remember it and records exist physically (bones, clothes, gas chambers, films, dead bodies etc). This is what I'm working against. Liars, out and out crooks behind the lies and the sad people who follow good talkers with no substance behind their stories. And anyone who calls me a liar is clearly one of that team as the easiest thing to do to your enemy is deny their honesty.

If I wanted to hide anything it would be a lot easier just not to mention it, and the fact all the personal data I've given shows me to be part of the lowest underclass in society above criminals makes me wonder what I'd have had to cover up to make this look better. I may well be vague as we can be questioned in real time on what we mean like a conversation but not here, and haven't got a team of editors like professional writers, but there's no reason to lie about myself, let alone anything else.
I know it's so rare in this world for anyone to be so open it's bound to arouse suspicion, but that's not my fault.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Gone very quiet indeed

I've been out in between the rain the last few days, routine photos and delivering postcards and a bit of shopping. Last night being a Big Brother final meant another trip to Elstree in case I saw any of them coming out. The first time I went in 2003 they had the old marquee on the lawn and saw them all through the patio doors, as with the next when they came out and we were filmed with them. Then they pulled the curtains in 2005 so we could see nothing. I didn't bother for a couple of years as I didn't think I'd be able to see them again but just in case went up last night to see the marquee was gone and they have a bar on the corner at the front. There was a small window but had blinds and couldn't spot any faces through it, and they pulled a curtain after a while anyway, but saw a bunch of them leave the Big Mouth studio to go in, but was so far away could barely recognise them for the seconds they came into view before going inside, and it was dark of course. As Mohamed had the Afro he was pretty hard to miss, as was Kat's pink dress which was all I saw of her, and Mario's quiff. Better than nothing at least and as usual got chatting to someone else who came to watch although there were hardly any people there compared to when you could see it all. But at least the rain stopped when I got there. And with Rachel winning shows the public actually have decent taste after all.

I had my last postcards for a bookshop where they were all taken nearby, but the buggers had closed just before I got there so ended up walking around to see if there were any photos to take, with only one more shop left still open to try but the boss was away. My cleaner clearly feels sorry for me living alone and is now saying I don't eat properly. You can only do your best. I saw England just manage to beat Andorra as I actually had the right equipment to watch it, followed by a bit of Andy Murray before the rain came down and heard Amir Khan had sold himself to the devil on pay per view (after swearing he wanted to share himself with his public). I'm so pleased he was knocked out in round 1 and hope he rots now. Stupid sod. How many sportspeople of any note do we know now? Joe Calzaghe? I saw him win sportsperson of the year even though I didn't know who he was. Or most of the British public. They want to be rich but they'll never be famous. Our cricketers are doomed to obscurity and when they all retire from sport will get nowhere as their names can't live on. Who'd want to employ a boxer who had only been seen by a few thousand people every match? Only the twats who employed him in the first place I suppose. If you become really famous the money will be flowing in all your life for books, advertising, TV chats etc. but if most people say 'who?' you'll soon run out of business. If they refused to work for the bastards they'd soon have to give up.

As for plans, I literally don't have any. I know what I'm doing tomorrow and probably Monday and that's it. No short or long term. OK I need to have my eyes tested but that's not what I call plans. I've emailed as many people from the past I could find and the last two ignored me which is par for the course. And I need to work in the back garden, where the weather meant it had no function for the second year running. But long term I haven't really got a book to write (only the blogs here which would take years just to select), no more cards to print since the printers only print 100 of the same picture, I don't chat up strange women in bars like some can, and can't be arsed to try speed dating which is actually the best idea besides singles bars (which we don't have), and no longer even get any pleasure from watching the hurricanes on CNN as it is the same thing every time and really has no effect here. I will say now the Large Hadron Collider will not cause the end of the world, Steven Hawking wants it to make black holes and says it won't, and if he knows they couldn't do any harm I'd let him have that one. Having said that they could save themselves an awful lot of time and money if they want to learn the nature of the universe and study under a proper master. Those who say they've seen it didn't need any particle accelerators or the like, just a good teacher and dedication to the path.

So all I've done recently is eliminate possible people as friends or girlfriends, one by one, people never run out but chasing ones from the past will. So many of the most important jobs are not much in our own hands, what we do with our time can keep us busy but rarely determines the major events. Listening to people talking about holidays at least made me realise I was far happier locally now, as have had enough of a selection of abroad (and most of Britain as well) to realise I'd rather be here. Walking along Finchley Road with all the sights and memories meant far more to me than being in some lookalike mystery town with the same shops and cars and bus stops. There's more similarity around the world than difference and once you've been to one beach, desert and other natural feature the magic tends to wear off. As I said, my friend's parent's photos of what looked like Richmond park turned out to be Kenya, but Richmond was better. And without the germs. And even when it's boring here it's 100 times more boring abroad when there's not a lot to do. If I could go for the afternoon (it would be possible if we'd invested in the technology 30 years ago) it would be fine, but 2 weeks?

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Friends not exactly reunited

Having had no idea what I was going to say last time it looks like an epic now which was not intended or expected. Since then the current phase of just having enough to do on the day and no more has continued. Trips to Barnet and Stanmore for various local scenery/road signs etc, still catching up with old friends on searches and that's about it. Tomorrow, assuming they're open (totally unreliable), I'm dropping off a pack of postcards at the art gallery with my other stuff there, and maybe they'll actually sell something at last. Then I'm contacting the printers and hopefully get some economical ones done as well.

Another weird phase recently has been people I knew and caught up with disappearing in mid conversation. They email me with loads of news and get plenty back and then suddenly vanish, including a couple since we've been on the phone. I'm pretty harmless with my calls, the worst possibly being my nosiness, but that's only interest. I haven't made any obscene suggestions or comments (I save them for here and with my close friends who appreciate them) and very rarely even start trying to make arrangements at the moment as apart from easy local trips aren't really ready for all that work yet. Maybe the fact I don't instantly ask them all for coffee in Golders Green could have put a few off, although there was nothing stopping them asking me. One woman once I barely knew invited me over almost straight away, with all the signs she was after a quick one. That was just when I got ill and not being the most attractive of my targets (not even a target actually) waited months to call, by when she'd obviously got fed up and sent me packing. I expect she was getting it elsewhere by then and good luck to her.
I have just emailed a woman who was the mother of one of the sweetest and best looking girls I've ever met who is now teaching art in Spain. No reply. And found someone I was on a cruise with in 1974 who had an article about him online who got my email today. I keep finding more people I knew and if like my friend who struck the jackpot doing this very thing live in hope. You've already done the work with people you used to know rather than go through it all from scratch when you're at an age you barely ever meet new people.

Just for those who doubt my activity level, I've slowly got back into the groove this year simply as my energy has started coming back. Two art exhibitions, the first football match for a few years, another bus open day and some more hospital visits after going a few times a week for half of 2005. That was one reason for my decline as they also lasted around 2 hours and in the end virtually finished me off. As they did the rest of my family who all had to do the same thing when my grandma was ill for so long. At times I wondered if I'd ever be able to do anything past the most basic after 2 years with so little energy and an assortment of other symptoms. I have a medicine cabinet now with almost as wide a selection of prescribed drugs as my grandma. Some thank goodness are now in reserve, and the last dizzy pills were just as good left over from over ten years since the last bout before I ordered the new ones. There's another tube of ear antibiotic just in case, plus my tachycardia pills I may well take for many more years as that came back again big time as well, something I first had at 14 and nearly gave the doctor a heart attack when he measured the speed. He was pretty old and did die not that long after as it happens. And just to be complete I've got the tranquilisers I use before I go out to most places.
And a bottle of stuff from the chemist for when I get the shits from my irritable bowel, which at least is relatively quiet at the moment.

Other than that I'm fine...