Saturday, August 29, 2009

The prophecies continue

I'm currently integrating the insights I'm reading in the Celestine Prophecy with real life, as besides experiencing the first 4 before reading them, the others all fit so far and wonder how a life as dull and a lot worse at times as the one I witness can have exactly the opposite potential once we know how to harness it deliberately. I'm trying new things from it now and will report back if they work. Of course I can only accept the first one, the coincidences, as it's happened more and more for a few years and to most people I know as well. I will hopefully escape the normal life till now as it's about bloody time.

It is currently almost a dance between heaven, hell and limbo (the usual condition), and odd to imagine either can exist with the presence of the opposite, as logic tells you life should be one or the other if spiritually guided, and only all at once if truly random as science believes. Discovering all is connected and truly able to work as a single system (with no clue how), which finally shifts from collective but meaningless synchronicities to pointing me to specific ends which would have been impossible had all the steps not been present. I haven't finished the book and suspect it gives the ways to move out of hell altogether, and have one possible already.

The actual events have all been work related, which many would say about bloody time. And I didn't really have much else to do so can save any of them till I do. Today was the first day I've started the practical side of the book (as I only just read it last night) but trust as the rest is correct this should be as well. Whether the internet will provide more than one woman for me or that was just a fluke remains to be seen. I have made one very good ally in a council sign department so have at least one repair to look forward to on an old one. And despite covering so much of the area more turn up, on likely places and ones I've passed and never seen. But I definitely feel I'm missing something and can't use the excuse whatever is worth having is on its way, as that is no different from all the negative nonsense on global warming. People die from the cold more than the heat and the fewer of us need to use heating as the temperature is higher than the energy will be saved. What's the problem there?

Another element from the book was confirmed after the event in my own life a few weeks ago where you discover exactly your role in life. I realised I was a teacher and then read this is about the 6th insight so I think I'm ahead of another one actually. Meanwhile it's given me a system to use which should answer many of the questions I need to know, and one by one will see if it works. It's totally verifiable as you list them, add answers and then see if they are right.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Personal development updates

Having read 2/3 of the Celestine Prophecy, despite knowing nothing of its origins, the fact it corresponds with my own life quite unlike most of the other spiritual books I've read tells me quite a lot in itself. Mainly, as it says, science is not as we think. How on earth can life clearly be guided if everything is random as we are led to believe? So just knowing this and watching them all consciously raises our vibration, eventually leading to evolving to our next level. My life however, although guided in places, hasn't actually changed. My being is still as sensitive as before and just have a little hope that because there is clearly a guiding force it could guide me out of the shit eventually.

The shit is there to partly teach, but as I noticed at work (OK one hour but I was working) today it's a lot nicer to climb a mountain by small steps than try too hard and hurt yourself? You get there either way but the cost is a lot greater if you overdo it. So the guidance is towards something, and the first change I've been aware of is I'm no longer in doubt I am a teacher and know exactly how and why. Thank god I'm qualified as otherwise I'd both disbelieve my qualifications (although intuition requires none) and never get paid for it (oh, I'm not). But I could be. And see the yawning gaps in people's knowledge that I'd be reckless not to fill when I can, no different from helping anyone else in trouble, whether they need a jack for their car or an explanation for why they don't need to argue. And the teaching lasts forever as you are giving people something to keep, and it costs you nothing and you doble the knowledge each time you share it. Of course you can tell thousands for one to accept it, but it works one soul at a time as I well know.

I have predicted news before, and a year later when little happened left it alone, but another year or two passed and over half my quite unlikely predictions came to place, including Woody Allen's relationship and surrounding accusations. Not so unlikely but many others were. Now if I can harness my intuition to see where the guidance is going that in itself may guide me to it. If that makes sense. As the guidance has recently combined with my intuition, saying 'Streetview Carshalton' and also Southwark, which got me my latest few old road signs as soon as I aimed there, I'd like to go advanced and see if I can call this up at will now.

Well the book has returned (with some patience) my ability to see auras after many years, and although my list of what I'd like to change may well be beyond anything to do, and for a start would like someone important to recognise and use my teaching. Now if I can reconnect with the energy I was well aware I was missing then basically that would be the end of my problems as I'd no longer need to rely on events for pleasure. That's only my existing view of enlightenment, but the book describes it far better than the advaita loss of individuality. To me that is quite easy to do, you just see who you are before you start thinking about it, and all it is is awareness plus the movement of the sensory inputs. No person (can you see yourself looking ahead?), identity (you need to think to remember who you are) but so bloody what? I can enter that state where I'm gone and there's just awareness and activity but is identical to how I am with the identity. Connecting to divine energy makes more sense, or chi/prana to be exact, and of course that feels good as basically without it we're running on batteries and with it the full mains supply.

The major problem with the spiritual progress is the gaps. It doesn't take away the boring moments of every day and lousy chores that must be done, doing nothing as others call my leisure activities is far preferable to boring chores, although they do earn money sooner or later in some cases. That's normal before enlightenment but when you've been guided enough to know it, and then life goes back to how it was before then very quickly it seems it's just the same except you know it can be guided. But that's no practical use, just a knowledge of things working differently to how we think. Technically I suspect everything that happens is part of the guidance once it's started, although we may never know how.

Meanwhile I'm having to be pretty subtle on my other blogs and websites as it's very likely some people I write about will read it or tell them if they know them. So I'll save the naughty bits for here and mention my empty female target diagram. This involves every woman I like, and have Venn diagrammed them all into how unavailable they are (as none are available). The big circle is internet friends and others I knew who moved abroad or too far to see over here. The smaller circle which intersects (as Venn diagrams do) with the large one is the married ones. Now on my list are the top few who either I'd like and could have if available, or are available but out of range. I used to have few limits, a few 70-80 mile very short relationships, and we both agreed within weeks the trouble was more than the benefits. Being 30 years older that is now about 15 miles whatever Gabriel (who travels the world annually for the whole year as that is his thing) says. Even so possible #1 is a few hundred miles away and unless I'd met someone first couldn't expect them to move to London to complete the job. I'd move to a few places but was blown out the last time that happened last year.
The other blew me out consistently for a few years at school but found me online and despite being married and not too far away shows more interest in me than anyone else here. Considering my role as persona non grata for a few years (besides telling me her problems, which is what I was born to do, paid or not) how I've suddenly become her favoured distant target (unless she shows such attention to all her friends online) is a mystery to me and as I doubt her marriage is in any difficulties wonder what I did to become an object of interest after 30 years or so.

My other trick of dropping hints has fallen flat but tested and failed. I won't bother now, I can't pick them up myself so can't really expect others to. Married woman did pick a few up so excepted, but unless she's both changed her opinion of me and decided to be unfaithful she's either acting as a red herring or has developed an interest she probably can't act on. I could tell the other one but far too far away, and there's no one else female wise. Where the guidance is leading I will still have to see, but don't like the usual return to life as it always was before. Where's the hope or benefit in that?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A quiet week

The freedom continues at least, and someone discovered an old sign on the main road through Hampton I'd passed hundreds of times but hadn't noticed, and when I got there there was another on the back pointing an arrow the other way, so got the matching pair. One I didn't even remember, to public library. Not much else since, except on the library theme I'm taking the old sign book there to see if they'll buy one. Besides a booking and the usual clearing grandma's house this week there are no plans, my two trips to Herts last week did no more than eliminate the area from my enquiries but kept me occupied.

I'm working my way through the Celestine Prophecy, which eerily reflects my own life exactly up to the 4th of 9 insights. Besides seeing auras I haven't reached the practical part, but how to read the way things are. Connecting to a mysterious energy is the key, and one I already suspected, so could be interesting. I've also done a pile of global warming research, and basically if the media gave equal exposure to all the data not one sane person could believe in the whole crock. Ann Widdecombe, who I've admired for a while, just came out as an independent by putting down her esteemed and crooked leader's total acceptance of all the shite Al Gore's worldwide conspiracy feeds him. Well he's obviously getting a piece himself isn't he woman.

So little more analysis or speculation (would you use a speculum?), just time and space. It's a relief finding more signs as I get hooked on collecting and until I complete the list look before I do most other things. It would be nice if I'd missed something and it would turn up just when I needed it (as well as the signs) but the media and women in general have all turned their back on me, as any potential employers. I only keep looking for more as I've had a lot and lost it so know exactly what I'm missing. Fame would be a bonus and no doubt cover the financial and social side so do a lot by itself. And I will continue to teach wherever I see a need as I get the role I have now. There is a gap and I do fill it. I wish there were a few more available besides that sort...

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Doom, gloom and shit meets fan

Sanity can be stretched to its limits, and hope it recovers as quickly as it's been stretched. I'm still teaching though as all the latest fiasco did was confirm my initial suspicions, and actually affirmed when I read the 4th insight in the Celestine Prophecy. People don't usually mean to be cunts but doesn't stop them doing it. See my teaching as a favour to try and reform these further behind than some one by one.

Other than shit hitting the fan there's little happened this week besides my four insights before I then read them in the book. That's pretty significant and hopeful. But being still in duality am affected by being treated like scum and have no one here to distract me like most people do. Added to that I have only one small plan of taking my old sign book to the library, and beyond that who knows? This week at least was free and in itself is always positive. As I had nothing preferable to do I did exactly what I did, photo trips all over the place, removed my old filthy lounge carpet and got the valuer in to my late grandma's house. Things have been done but besides no longer having the filthy carpet indoors feel I have gained nothing. I have discovered unless enlightened everyone has ups and downs whatever their status. No masters degree, PhD, fame and fortune ever made anyone fireproof as I used to expect, as my clients all demonstrate who are all far more successful and unhappy than me. You can earn a degree but can't talk to it, and have loads of money but again doesn't provide you a social life. And many married people seem no happier with that either. I don't even know the answers to this lot, besides searching for enlightenment, as the basis of suffering is dualism according to every teacher in history.

When you are at the bottom it's natural to look up and think it ought to turn round, but there are no scales on up and down in life, or averages out, so can go down and down indefinitely. But not in my hands. Tomorrow I also have to write a webpage for someone without a computer and the possible library visit, with the final Ashes Test on TV in between. Of course I Streetview all of London in case I find any more old signs until it's all covered, and does work as I found a couple more last week. We all want rescuing from situations as described in fairytales, but one thing life isn't is a fairytale. It has far more in common with the Exorcist than any other film I can think of, and did not at all see that as a work of fiction when I watched it many years ago. It's not like that all the time but is a lot easier to reach than anything positive.

I don't always get inspiration when needed either. It is there at times, I got two ideas to check certain areas on Streetview and had signs exactly where I expected them although one had absolutely no reason to. I have the ability but not constant or frequent enough to help as so far it comes to me, I can't go to it. Doing psychic readings most can do passive quite easily, getting what they are given on a topic. But to be able to answer specific questions is restricted to the very best and something I only just started trying to do. Someone posted that suffering is like washing clothes, you don't beat them to break them but to clean them. Surely there's a better way for people though, I try and clean people by communicating to them, putting them through ordeals, although outside my power to do, certainly teaches lessons to those not willing to listen, but that is karma and I've never seen a scrap of evidence for that, rather personal evolution through effort and then coincidence/synchronicity presenting the lessons one by one. These don't seem related to previous actions but the next step to learn. Quite different.

So I have a growing list of people who owe me a fucking huge apology. One great miracle is to actually get even one of these in your lifetime. Think about it. People believe they are right, hurt someone, find they have, feel guilty, go into denial and spend the rest of their life trying to ignore it. I'd love the chance to apologise to people when I was like that as a teenager, but that was the last time I behaved like that. Another reason I teach as I see why they do it, others see why they do it, and if enough people point it out then the miracles may happen, especially without them having to suffer what they did to you, which seems a childish formula and maybe not even intended by Buddha who is always quoted as teaching it. It would certainly work better than any teaching I give (as I see deaf ears all around me where really needed to be open) but don't trust that system however many people do.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

My role as a teacher

This is interesting, having found the Celestine Prophecy on my shelf I've discovered I knew the first few insights already so rather than read and question I can say (even though the book may be fiction, not sure) I have already discovered they operate and this confirms my own experience. And other books confirm we do influence all around us with our thoughts which can then become our reality, but god's own job (literally) learning how. Look at a ball of wool and the products that can come from knitting with needles. Even when we know how it happens it takes ages to get it ourselves and there are no definite methods here whatever they tell us.

I've been pretty busy since last week, Streetview provided two more old signs which were near another I knew of, so that was Sunday, and been running around taking photos and doing more work at my late grandma's clearing the house. I also removed my filthy lounge carpet as there was a varnished wooden floor underneath and covered it with an old rug which isn't quite wide enough. I think the only plan I have is the next photo trip, although each is a mystery you never know what you'll find and cover new areas each time, including my first trip to Watford for about 20 years today. Besides a concert and the opening of the Harlequin Centre the only other reasons were to get the old train tickets which stopped in 1988.

The good news from the Celestine Prophecy was I am now able to see auras after about 17 years, although they look quite different from last time and stops as soon as I stop concentrating so far. But I have now seen colours although the others were usually smoky these are bright blue edges which get wider or narrower. So far (for fairly standard reasons) I've only practised on myself so far but can do some trees as well when I think about it. I've also nearly finished an alien book which seems to point to a lot more quantum physics being used at this level as I suspected already. We can do it at larger and larger levels now so project that a few hundred years ahead and objects will be relocated without the need to travel between the two points. That removes the need to beat the speed of light and will then start finding other dimensions. And said artificial gravity projection, the way most craft are said to travel, is also obsolete and they have an even better way. We will see.

I'm now officially teaching online and anywhere else people listen. I tested my knowledge to the limit and found people genuinely benefit from what I see before they do, even if it's just one person a month to start with. As Jesus said (he did speak a lot of sense in with the total bollocks) one lost sheep found is as valuable as the rest of the herd. Enlightened teachers have often copied from their teachers and complicate much of what they say, where I simplify what I know. I presume should I become enlightened I'd narrow it down to the bits you need (as Nick Roach has) and leave the theory out as it only works on the mind which doesn't seem to let go even when it gets it. I am perfectly aware my true nature is awareness and everything else is secondary, and I have no identity as that is a thought, and can't exist before the thought comes in 'who am I?'. But I'm not enlightened, I am just intellectually aware my true reality is my direct experience of now. I see everything around me, not me. Ask me who I am and before I think all I know is I am this. No name or history, just what I am aware of now. But that is the mind's question being answered, and not even sure this knowledge makes any difference to getting there.

I am also using my teaching to expose conspiracies at any level, as there are some power games going on out there that aid the perpetrators not one bit but fuck up the lives of the victims a lot. Now over at Funtrivia I don't talk about this as it's illegal and I'd like to remain a member or I'd lose my alternative to a real life community. But there was always a continual complaint by the rest of the staff against certain hierarchy there, and until they kicked my ass wondered if it was paranoia. But although most staff there belong there a few dirty the whole pool like someone who's pissed in it. You only need one or two to leak in the water to ruin it for everyone and there are a few big pishers there as I now know. They all stick together and play the game so they do what the others want. As far as I know I've only got a couple of readers left from there and they've heard this already, but I use it as material to learn greater lessons from and if it opens my professional writing career may have done me a favour. I was robbed and assaulted (separately, and the robbery was without violence) in my first year law, and did two cracking answers in the exams from my own experience of those situations, just as adversity has provided me now.

I am building up these career branches now, with my biggest article yet, and now feel official as a teacher (plus I spent all those years at college so people could never question my credentials, as although you can know a lot by intuition most people won't listen without the letters after your name as well). And you'd never get published without them however good you were, that's the system. So I did the lion's share of work at college, got years of experience testing and learning more, and now at nearly 50 am collecting the whole lot together. No more self doubts or questioning as I see this all working every day as I describe it. And then read it afterwards in books. Primary (personal experience) and secondary (by others efforts) learning. And (as I have so far survived only) the death threats have now made me 100% immune to insults, how can words every hurt you again after someone's threatened to kill you?
Now besides my own career I have a lot of potential souls to save. All very hard cases and if even one listens to me it'll be a miracle but only a challenge to me. I can see how these guys have got it backwards and although most people never change while it only hurts others, a gentle poke from time to time may slip through their armour.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A little Nazism is OK

I was just asked by a fellow campaigner for the truth on climate change about how there can be a correlation between increased taxation and affecting the climate? As the major (only?) political weapon against perceived climate change is taxation then they expect us to accept that raising money can reverse the harmful effects we have had on the climate. Watch this space.
Secondly, and I said it before in the forums and nearly got my head bitten off, one of the highest causes of CO2 in the atmosphere are animal exhalations. While plants breathe it in and exhale oxygen, sadly animals do the reverse, so the most effective way to repair the delicate balance of the atmosphere is to remove all animal life from the planet (nb, plants will also die as there won't be enough CO2 left for them, but a small price to pay I'm sure).

When it comes to political power, Europe lead the world in unification. They are slowly unifying an area the size of the Roman Empire, Ottoman Empire and if it had succeeded the Third Reich. One by one countries are asked to change to fit in, first the currency, then the measurements, and when each is in place something else will be added until we have a homogenous and increasing area speaking the same language, driving on the right, and using the same currency. Then of course principles will be extended to previously imperial measurements for harmonisation within the community. Time, being base 12, is an anachronistic reference to imperial times, so will be decimalised with 100 seconds in a minute and 20 hours a day. And as time is not restricted to Europe the UN will declare the rest of the world will have to switch instantly to harmonise intercontinental flights and trade. And one further step, suggested by my deputy Roger Hooton, is that rather than have time zones which are divisive and isolate nations, from now on all countries worldwide will be on the same time. Then each country will be able to make appointments to call and the time will not vary between nations, and flights will be able to be timed universally with no alteration for local differences.

Communication is also vitally important with local variations excluding outsiders, so Europe will lead the way, democratically choosing the language spoken by the highest population, which of course is German. Because of the political correctness not allowing any country to exclude others through language barriers, a UN diktat will therefore order every country in the world to follow, as it cannot be enough for one continent to speak German, it must spread to all corners of the earth, and if other planets are colonised or found to be inhabited, as the established world language then become the universal language.

Some people may say these regulations go to far, and I agree. But if they do, where do you draw the line before they become unreasonable?

General mental wanderings

As far as current events go there's nothing to report. I continue to ask for little things from big people and as usual in most cases they don't even reply, including those that know me. Power trips have been written out be every writer in history and like the greed shown by the pratts who borrowed money for things they didn't need 'because it was there' and are now going broke and bringing down the innocent ones with them. And as for the criticism anyone gets for daring to try and explain why global warming is a political movement designed to generate more money than any previous plan you do wonder how the world copes when so many can't even think in a straight line.

I do often wonder nowadays how things that seem perfectly obvious to me, with no need for any qualifications or experience, seem oblivious to most. People I meet don't seem particularly stupid, but someone out there is borrowing money at 30%, telling people to stop driving to save the climate, don't have sex before marriage, people who want their houses removed from Streetview and accost me in the street when I take photos, and buy shares when the market is crashing. I don't now know whether I'm gifted in some way or most people are just absolutely stupid, either in some areas or most. I don't understand anything complicated, I can't do maths and have no idea why anyone doing chemistry knows what to put in their compounds when creating anything from drugs to cleaners. But outside those areas I seem to cope with most things that are presented to me, although also struggle with any subtlety as I see it more as deception than anything else.

Well tomorrow I have two little shopping jobs to do, and that should take me to about 4pm or so, any photos I've taken then get put online and I get ready for the TV session. That's the routine for most days punctuated by bits of work, and unless some or any of these guys I email for voluntary work, publication, queries about road sign locations etc, plus any women I'm after come back with a positive I can't see much more happening indefinitely. I've travelled half way round the world already and wasn't impressed enough to carry on. I normally missed home sooner or later and was only too pleased to be back and in familiar surroundings when I was. I just want a quiet life with friends and family around me. If I did what I did but plus those elements I'd be as happy as needed, and a bit of media work would be the icing on the cake.
There are women who want a similar life, but how do you find them? Usually married to people you know. That's a lot of use. So currently it's good to have the freedom but can only do so much without help. And anyone who can would rather not most of the time. How long this and all the other energy blockages last is anyone's guess, as I've seen it all connected and when one door opens usually all related follow, just as when they close as they are now. And not in my power to alter, I just deal with how things are and can't yet shift any energy even within myself.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Time for a change

In the world of duality the phase of mediocrity continues, along with the usual sods in authority doing their bit for personal harmony by being the sods they are. Now in such a position I would always make the decision that made the person happy unless it was harmful or they weren't able to do the job they wanted physically. That is the purpose of authority, not to enjoy spoiling people's lives because it makes no difference to you either way. I'm not pretending to be more than I am, just clearly developed beyond these buggers spiritually although I have none of the power to try and use.

My alien regression has a place online ready to be filled now which I'll link when it has, it was just over an hour so quite a bit of writing to do and for a change it wasn't me who had to do it as we had an investigator present so I could just do my work and not all the writeup afterwards as well. In the meanwhile the computer's been playing up for a few weeks and I just got a message saying to uninstall ZoneAlarm which I did, and bingo, it's OK now. Something's working at least. Otherwise the mediocrity has carried on a few weeks now in the outer world, I've wandered round London taking photos of places I haven't before, looking for more signs on Streetview (nothing), and precious little else. I'm not complaining as the freedom is very welcome, I've just waited so long for a breakthrough which seems like it'll never happen.

So I've written to a number of big shots (in very small ponds mind you), the first is an exception as has so far completed most of what he offered to do, and just written again with a further request he may be able to help with. The others, however, are something even Big Brother has to bleep out. If you ask anyone decent a question they'll give you an answer, yes, no, I don't know, whatever. Not ignore you. As I say, I don't waste rude words lightly, but perfectly aimed at this set of misdirected individuals. But I'm writing a big article based on them and I should hint at who each is as well just in case they ever get a chance to read it and may recognise I mean them. I've learnt a lot from their misdeeds at least which in turn I've organised and fed back to others so they can recognise it, avoid doing it themselves and maybe protect themselves from others who do it to them.

The guidance and phases of all sorts continue, despite being of the highly boring type with regard to the phases. The guidance is way above phases, which seem to be waves of energy I pass through where the same thing happens for a while. The guidance is intelligent as the whole world is arranged to come to a useful conclusion and has only been happening for a few months. But I hope for more and get fed up without it. In my own life little has changed. Besides catching up with some old signs left over from my childhood nothing else has I am aware of. I work on my inner being all the time regardless of outside, and the same sort of feeling applies to that as well. I put a lot of energy in and yet to see very little although I believe it can happen and never give that one up.

So of course I know there is more, I remember some of it and see the rest elsewhere, and that is missing from my experience. Nearly all of it. People, places, feelings, experiences, the lot. All blocked as yet. I wonder if when one shifts they all will as energy does change and one tends to follow after another. It may come as a thief in the night suddenly with no warning, or I may see clues or feelings in advance as I have sometimes. I am doing the most someone can do on their side but at levels like this it's outside our say to make these changes happen. If just one big one could show itself I'd have a bit of relief and maybe change the energy enough to let another in and more. I have a few I've personally requested and other people have the say to fix each issue, I did my bit already.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

A free week more or less

There's half an hour before the TV starts (3 hours!) so got this in first while I have the time. They've just upgraded blogger but means all my data and links are gone and have to find it all over again although I haven't got the URL for the free counter. That may be a blessing with the relatively poor attendance (lucky to reach double figures now after a regular 50 a day in 2006) but still like to know.
Nothing really to report but with no replies from a few relatively important messages there was a very small chance there could be. Now the national quiz is over (4 1/2 months, I came 7th worldwide after 8th last time) I'm spending more time on Facebook, partly to clear the requests (they stop counting at 100 and am nearer 10 times that) but have a lot more friends arriving as well to keep up with. I'd rather have sex with a few of them but can't have everything (well anything really).

I am about to write a lecture on all the material I've got regressing alleged alien abductees after the weekend's session. Although invited to Birmingham for it I think that would probably have put me off all my life, I've done a removal job to Manchester but a bit different hauling furniture and getting the train home again. I've done two mind body spirit fairs in London before and would be happy to put it on in them but will see the reception when I've written it. But this is a small community so should be passed on to the London branch of whatever puts these things on. That would get me pretty well known, albeit hard work but as I used to lecture for a few hours a day on law is not unfamiliar, although that is built in me and found when I left my notes behind gave the same lecture without any. That was also why I gave up as it became so incredibly boring.

I'm still free ahead, and the fact nothing obvious besides housework and gardening are on the system still is better than any plans. Unless I find another old sign or have a female visitor there aren't really many other things I can think of, besides my friends coming back from America one day in the future. I can always meditate and is a lot more to see on Youtube to teach me more although it's not been working properly for a while. That is undoubtedly the key to success in your inner life, while the rest no longer matters so much. Most people are satisfied with their outer and inner lives (lucky them) but I see the gaps and not happy to live with them the rest of my life if I can avoid it.