Tuesday, February 28, 2006

New kitchen!

As a number of people have expressed interest, here's my new kitchen. Gaps will be filled...

Monday, February 27, 2006

Get a life!

Monday, 6.36pm David is at the computer.

Busy today, new hoover arrived as a present (old one heats up like a radiator and then cuts out) and the builder finally finished my kitchen after almost two months of intermittent visits. There's still a few bits missing as described before, but there will be no more drilling, banging or painting for a long time. And it looks amazing.

The doctor has put me on various tablets for the anxiety which had almost stopped me in my tracks at times. How the body can react to its environment when hostile by shutting down to protect you from it is the sort of design fault you'd expect from an old Bulgarian car. Search me the intelligence that's supposed to design us that so many people actually worship. If I get to heaven I'll worship, while I'm here it's me against the world and sometimes no paddle.

Otherwise all that trouble often made me feel guilty for the things I wasn't doing. So a lot of the time even when I was doing something perfectly productive I felt I should be doing something more active as I knew I couldn't any more. The mind gives you the potential criticisms of others, in their worst forms, in advance, almost as a preparation for the real ones. They come and go, including disbelief, anger, disappointment and judgement, as if a mental illness is one you choose and can choose to overcome, in the words of my friend schadenfreude, if you 'just tried hard enough' (his mother and my grandma's apparent view). So the blind and paralysed could so easily see and walk (including those who were born without the ability) if only they put just a bit more effort into it.
Sounds crazy, doesn't it. Well that's no different for expecting someone to avoid a panic attack or depression. No difference from the other side, just as real as a temperature or a broken leg, and if you don't know, you are so lucky!

There was a second theme that spun of from this one for me I thought I'd add next. People who say 'get a life'. What exactly does that mean? Is it the same for everyone who says it, or has each person who commands you have a different expectation for the intended pupil? Anyway, what exactly is 'a life?'

I have a list of my grandma's opinion (seems pretty typical of such views) of what 'normal' people do, and I will add that up till recently I did many if not all of these.

Go to restaurants
Go on holidays
Go to the cinema
Go to clubs
Work full time

I'll add a few more of what I can think of so I don't miss too many,

Look after yourself
Travel on public transport
Study something
Create something useful or attractive
Do all you can to find a partner


OK, how many people would tick every one (besides the partner if they already have one) ? And does anyone actually care?

I don't. When I was very young I did judge people for not being 'normal' (I was brought up in that sort of environment except for my parents, so hardly a surprise) but soon learnt the error of my ways and only minded my own business. But many people didn't, and little digs or open statements why I don't 'do what everyone else does' are really nobody else's problem. And if I don't want to do these things (mainly as I have done quite enough for now) it's not mine either.

I don't think it's possible not to have a life if you're not in a coma. Each life is unique and changes from moment to moment. If you're not happy, then it's a problem. But people comparing an 'ideal for 2006' model with yours and finding you sadly lacking shows it's them that need therapy, not you. I've already said a 45 year old can't be compared with a 25 year old. You can't cram much into 25 years however hard you try, especially when half that time may be used up by studying in my own case. The only thing I miss out on is company, both around the house and female.
I have done and got more or less everything else (going TV in 4 days and counting down). My health is the only factor that needs to be OK and I will be. Remembering the support of the family environment, with minor illnesses I was still happy enough knowing they were around to look after me (and vice versa when I was old enough). Though I may have to repeat old points for newer readers, when I had a friend who was living alone but didn't work when I still was doing the opposites, I respected her far more for what I considered a full-time position, compared to my relatively easy life, going to work, coming home, and finding a meal on the table and the house clean. Not any more...

But give brownie points for each element in someone's life? Who died and made you in charge? Please! If people allowed everyone to do their thing if it didn't hurt them then the stress in many areas of life would lessen greatly. And believe me, any sod who does score full marks in the 'judgement scale', God help you the day something happens and it all gets washed away like a sandcastle. Who'll be judging you then? As Buddha says, don't build your house on shifting sands. If you base your opinion on something temporary, it won't be reliable, trust me. Whatever you have may only be for now. And don't take too much credit for it either. You didn't really make it and certainly won't be responsible if it gets taken away. It doesn't really work by our choices.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

What a week...

Well well, two blogs- I now have a Funtrivia blog as well as this, but the two will hardly overlap as this is the raw material straight from the hip, and Funtrivia is a private site with rules, regulations and hundreds of friends participating. But it's interesting having two different areas to contribute to, and I'm sure I'll get to know a load more people there (as we all will) as a result of the new blogs, which have proved incredibly popular.

So, back to this one. It's been a pretty dead week. Apart from getting the bare minimum of little jobs done and managing some nice walks when it hasn't been stormy weather it wasn't a particularly mentionable week events wise. Nick Roach has been helping me through some of my blockages, especially saying enlightenment can be felt in a basic way when feeling what's here and now, and by staying there it can deepen. That makes sense to me, and even though I rarely feel anything special feeling here and now, the thoughts do slow and sometimes a peace and detachment takes over. So I will do more and do it more often.

One phenomenon I've seen, an extension of reading things reported in books, is the internet reportation phenomenon. It has to be checked before it becomes more important what we can report about our lives online than what actually happens. The balance is easy to switch but not realistic as who wants to live primarily on a screen? It's easy to slip into with hundreds of times more people seeing what we do online than in real life, but we don't live to tell people about it and go over the details afterwards, we are supposed to live in the moment and hopefully enjoy it if we're lucky. So it's fine to then report the high and low parts online, and go over questions it raises, but it's too easy to watch most of what we do more with an eye to reporting it later than living it at the time.
Good writers have always been able to make the banal and ordinary events of daily life sound far more interesting than they actually were. But if you were with them for a day you'd be as bored as they were, though once reported sounded far more interesting.

Pictures are a crossover though. Picking the high spots and interesting corners are valid anywhere as they have been selected to be interesting. The simple buildings and gardens I see every day hold so many artistic angles that I may never run out of new views to take. No two places can be identical, and as no one can visit every part of their own neighbourhood let alone every place in the world, sharing our lives in pictures can never be underestimated.

And meanwhile I enjoy trying to make even the most stultifying (thanks Vicky for that word) events here worth reading about, I must remember not to read similar attempts and imagine that person's life and district is any more interesting than mine. I am sitting in a room in front of a computer with the radio on, no one in the house except a cat on the desk, and surrounded by books. That is probably 99% of all bloggers more or less, except fewer are alone the whole time. But our lives (combined with our age groups) are not going to be that different. Work can almost be eliminated as when I was working I doubt there was more than one paragraph worth mentioning in five years. My current work is confidential anyway so I can't talk about it at all. But apart from work what do we do?

This is where I differ from Tommy Boyd (as we had this exact conversation). He said each person's life is drastically different, and went into his 'I've done this that and the other' routine. Besides probable exaggeration, without having a chance to reply, so have I. In my case at around 40 I changed gear and moved into a creating rather than exploring mode. I'd been to ten countries, theatres and films to a comprehensive degree, studied in various colleges full and part time, and had been to a number of spiritual and psychic events and lectures. But the things I hadn't done were waiting for me, and are taking the new decade over. I had painted but not professionally. I had never spoken on television, one of my main ambitions. I had never had a thing published. Since then I must have had about ten articles published, got 6 pictures in a gallery (unsold but acceptable to show) and will be speaking on TV in a week. I hardly go out any more compared to before, hardly see any friends (not my choice though) and haven't travelled for ages. But I have in the past. Besides the lack of friends I would rather lead my new life than carry on those parts of my old. I've been there, done that, and now rather than watch celebrities perform I am finding ways of meeting them off duty with great success. In another ten years who knows what I'll be into, but going on TV will hopefully be a start of a career rather than a finish, and where I hope one part of my future will lie.

Of course I will always want a family and marriage but that isn't a phase, it's a progression and one I may never make .

Friday, February 24, 2006

Local views 2

Popular view of the bridge over the River Brent (Welsh Harp reservoir) in West Hendon

Nice view by Welsh Harp

Sky-Hi Lee

Ag pleez deddy won't you take us to the wrestling
we wanna see an ou called Sky-Hi Lee
When he fights Willie Liebenberg there's gonna be a murder
'coz Willie's gonna donner that blerrie Yankee

From my previous entry about Jeremy Taylor's song, I researched these two names and found they were real wrestlers in the 1950s, and Willie is actually a friend of Jeremy's and is now a sports coach (though he must be about 70).
I couldn't find a picture of Willie (though I did get pages of his fights though not against Sky-Hi) but have got one of Sky-Hi, who as you can see really was.

Wrestler: Sky Hi Lee
Real Name: Robert E. Leedy
Birthday: 1921
Hometown: Canada
Height & Weight: 6'9" - 290 lbs
Notable Feuds: Bobo Brazil
Larry Moquin
Don Leo Jonathan
Mel Dove

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Nothing much

After staying up all hours last night after finding a goldmine of children's song sites, I got up today to my usual free Wednesday, no need to do anything but nothing much specific either.
Nothing really happened until a friend decided to come round in the evening, usual walk in the park first and fiddling about on the computer. It all becomes a blur looking back though I must have done something more than that. I did put my digital prints in an album, I got 70 from the total about twice that, and now have a nice collection of local views comparable to the video shown yesterday (including many of them).

It was nice having someone round, I did have a list of little things to do if free but I'll be free again and will work my way through them. It really is time to get the painting finished, as the builder was here so long I couldn't do much while he took the room over so it's sitting waiting for me now. It still surprises me how many different routes and views there are in the parks which surround me here. You can travel the world but hard to beat the scenery and variety of angles and plant types in a mile or two. Woods, fields, scrubland and some (including very recent) landscaping, making just about every type of environment within one green patch.

I suppose I adapt to varying circumstances reasonably well. Having builders here on and off for well over a month pushed me out of my regular routine, as well as the banging commies for a month next door 6 days a week to give me the stereo version. They've finally finished but there are a few more visits left from my own as he has another job (working alone now) and does me in his spare time. Meanwhile my TV schedule is finally out in writing so a certainty next Friday, I'd copy it here but it's probably illegal to reproduce so just say I am now in the TV guides of Britain. I tried to call Iain Lee with the Beverley Hillbillies song 'Jed' but he didn't pick the line up, maybe he knew what was coming as they have caller display and he knows what to expect. And I slagged him off in a radio forum he visits, which isn't clever but was being honest he is only working at a schoolboy level. Like he didn't know already.

No other plans now besides on the medical treatment front. The letter's gone off for my next prescription so will be acting as a human experiment again for another bottle of potential lifesavers. The original ones did the job but can't be used again as my system rejected them for some reason they can't quite work out though there are clues they don't accept. That as may be, something has to replace them and it's almost becoming a documentary as I watch symptoms rise and fall and create some sort of pattern. Our minds and bodies are so weak in many cases it appears if God did make men (as in both sexes), most are concentrated in a couple of strong areas and the others are more or less like 1970s Lancias or Ladas, ie designed to fail under the slightest stress. My mind was on a knife edge of anxiety as long as I remember, any illness made me panic like my life was in danger, and that has never changed except the tablet's effects. The more places I was ill the more I avoided. That's the logic of the brain's lower centres, which have a life of their own and can't be changed without medication or successful hypnosis, which didn't work for me.
That's how it works, whatever assets someone has are usually balanced by faults, whether feeble minded, alcoholic, phobic or whatever, the more assets someone has except the school captain types who are good at everything, we usually are compensated by dodgy parts as well. As you get older your body gets weaker, and mind builds up more and more negative associations until the weight becomes intolerable. Mine was probably speeded up tenfold by being alone, as whatever happened there was no support unless I happened to be with someone else at the time. But none I can just rely on like a safety net. So though I remain rational and coherent, my body is weak and tired, and I can do little more than continue on the one cylinder I've still got firing most of the time except for small bonus days.

I'm past the stage of caring what people think any more, it's not their business or problem and there's sod all I can do about it besides treatments and doing as little as I can until I feel stronger. Not their problem, if I'd broken my leg I couldn't do much else and this is little different from my side. It feels permanent but shouldn't be, attacking it from different angles should deal with each separate symptom so at least a part can change to start with. I've been there a few times before, it just gets worse each time. I am reading about it and it seems to fit the official picture, minimal energy and immune system so each new attack weakens the body again so the recovery is sent back to the beginning. Wonderful experience and one any spiritual explanation would struggle to explain and justify. As I said, only my creative side has been unaffected as I can do that anywhere and am, and it has pushed me also to look for answers to questions I wouldn't have even had had I not been going through such a rough time.

So, if there's any sense in my position I'd like to see it, maybe it's allowing a few other people to accept me and therefore others as they are, and not how they want or expect us to be. I've learnt age isn't a factor, my grandma's 96 and can still haul a trolley round Tescos for well over an hour with no trouble at all, and then carry the lot in the house from the car. I didn't inherit that gene clearly. It's also forced me to think about issues in life far more deeply than ever before, and though all I find is the same sewage that lies at higher levels, at least I'm discovering how to dive that deep into things. I hope this post doesn't seem too negative, as it's looking for any silver lining in a very dark and large cloud. One that has virtually blocked all sky out. It's like being in a traffic jam that doesn't seem to move, then one car moves or it shofts for a whole mile. Totally unpredictable and out of your hands, but not stuck either.
Sometimes a car or two moves here, and sometimes I move a short way in third gear. But like a bad dream you can only witness, participate and hope it's soon over. As Maharaji rightly says, thinking of food when you're hungry is no help, thinking of good things when they are bad is the same. He advocates meditation, and maybe that's the only albeit indirect way out, besides the jam dispersing on its own when it chooses to.
Who's blocking the traffic though?

Little song

Tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed
Couldn't find a toilet so he used his hat instead
Couldn't find no paper so he used a piece of grass
Along came Ellie Mae and kicked him in the ass.

I'd been trying to remember the end of this one for years, and finally found two versions online last night. Patience seems to work on the internet!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

One more video

Second version by Sharon

New video

Sharon just sent me a surprise, my life literally flashed before me. It was just like having someone on my shoulder filming my recent life and my distant past. Once I get it on cd the family's going to get a copy each.

Monday, February 20, 2006

What is important?

One consequence of my recent health problems have been a discovery of what in life is really important and what counts for little or nothing.

1) If you do something to say you have or add it to a list without liking it or wanting to do it you have achieved nothing. If you’re not up to doing something it’s no achievement to force yourself or be forced by circumstances. In an ideal world if you can’t manage something you shouldn’t have to.
As for adding to lists and showing off, as in ‘I’ve been to America, seen Arsenal, met Liberace’ etc., these are for our own personal pleasure, and interesting discussion points where relevant. But just shlepping 50 miles so you can see a celebrity or queueing for a football match to add a new team where you’d rather not do it means the magic of that particular activity has worn off and you shouldn’t bother with it any more. Obsessive statistical lists are not there to add to an additional career, but just so you don’t lose track of what you’ve done. My lists eventually took over from the activities, and when I realised adding new teams and countries had become more important than enjoying the matches and holidays I stopped worrying about it.

2) Therefore the other side of the coin is what is important that you do. To me that was what I or anyone else can produce. Doing things and going places is fine for pleasure, but not an end in itself, something that will be added to our ‘final judgement list’ on our last day. ‘I went to Paris three times’ is irrelevant to anyone except me, and should I have not even wanted to go the third time I’m the fool for doing it. ‘I painted a room full of pictures’ is valuable as. Assuming you can paint (if not, why paint that much anyway) you can’t paint too much. Every performer, whether in sport, the media or art, has their own unique way of doing it. Combine every elements of a human being, appearance, abilities, voice, technique etc etc, it means each performer at any level provides their own unique style which in itself grows and changes as they continue over time. Each comedian can’t be replaced by another, Frankie Howerd or Kenneth Williams are perfect examples of such special qualities (like them or hate them, they were special) and however hard anyone tried couldn’t either imitate perfectly or be born even close to the real thing. No musician will write or sing like Elton John or Paul McCartney. Every Elvis impersonator is just that, a poor copy reaching a percentage similarity while never being able to become the real thing. And each individual changes and grows over time so the longer you’re in a career the more new variations of your own unique method will arise. And if you run out of one, you find a new one.
So each of our talents, when added to, is valuable. Big and small. Even posting on an internet forum is part of it. If no one bothered, or just the same few, they’d pack up in a few days, unlike mine which are very active and alive, all thanks to each person who bothers to go and join in. We miss them if they go, and that applies even to just being there for your family and seeing them. When each individual dies we realise it wasn’t whether they travelled the world that counted, but whether they made us laugh or entertained us on the piano. Whether business, pleasure, or combined (as with many artists and musicians) adding to our careers is what counts, rather than what we have done passively.

3) For quality of life, I realised that with the recent health problems had I been living in a family it would probably have removed about half the effect of it. Besides the obvious company which takes your mind off many health problems, or at least the edge off, the practical benefits of sharing essential household jobs would make a major difference compared to a sole responsibility. Having to be concerned with simple jobs like food shopping do not make any health issues better.

4) Extending point 1, there is little problem in missing a job you thought you had to do. Life has essential chores, and there’s no need to add to them with other optional activities such as the gym. If I can’t make the gym, big deal. Why make myself guilty for something that really doesn’t matter? And people often forget when we miss doing one thing we nearly always do something else. So now I could have been in the gym, but I’m both clarifying long term issues in my own life and hopefully for others as well as these points are universal. Last year added more to my creative collection than any other just by being alone in the house for days on end or wandering the streets alone with a camera. I have a lovely A4 print on my wall of a scene less than half a mile from my house, and hundreds more if I wanted to do so.

5) All in all, I have both eliminated a list of things that I need no longer care about, and realised not to waste time worrying what other people think about what I can and cannot do. When I was young I was a bit like that (family trait) and assessed people as to their cars, qualifications, holidays etc., and now realise it’s for their benefit or not, and counts jack shit to other people who usually have an opinion unless like me they discover it’s irrelevant and should let people get on with their own lives in their own ways. What on earth difference does someone else’s life make to yours? None at all, unless they’re using you as their target.

I could give some examples I hear constantly. Getting up late is apparently one of the worst non-illegal activities one can have in this godawful country. The simple fact that however late or early someone gets up all that counts is how long they sleep. That is decided by nature and means many people get up earlier than others who went to bed later. Big deal. None of this is a race or competition, and using relative reality over absolute reality is both childish and totally unscientific. In absolute reality few know or care when Einstein, Hitler or Tony Blair get up. All we know or care about is what they did, or do in Blair’s case. Quality not quantity. As long as the essential chores are done, feeding, watering and paying the bills, what else matters if you’re not hurting anyone else?
My qualifications are important to me as much as they fulfilled my potential to pass them, rather than compared with others who will always do better than us if we look far enough. I was disappointed I had to give up a master’s degree as I knew I was good at it, but otherwise have done my projected best. So all that concerned me was that I did what I could do, and life without them would really be in the crap as much of the money I earned was totally dependent on those qualifications besides the shop work. But I had the option, and earned almost ten times as much doing professional work than that anyway so would have struggled financially without them. And having obvious talents without corresponding qualifications would be incredibly frustrating for anyone.

6) I’ve said this before but it fits in and can never be repeated too many times. The bottom line is if someone’s heart is in the right place, the rest is trivial and mainly their problem if it is a problem.

So, over the years I have changed my priorities discovering substance over style. To summarise the points, in the long run few people care a damn whether their friend has travelled the world or spent their lives in Watford. It doesn’t affect the friendship. Other people’s business is their own and should neither impress or irritate others for doing it. Treating missing a leisure activity the same as missing work is not necessary. Time is not wasted when one activity is cancelled. People matter more than anything (however many misanthropes say they are happy living alone). If you want to assess your life, think of the pleasure, and then the contribution you made to the world. This is not by leisure activities and being the audience, but being the performer in any field. For the thousands watching a performer, there’s only the one performer and that’s what everyone remembers. They can be proud of doing it, but you should feel privileged to see them, not impressed you made the effort, as it should be done for pleasure, not to make or score a point.

Saturday, February 18, 2006


This could well be the darkest post I ever do, but one intended to aim for the light at the end of the tunnel. I just lost another half a tooth. It was quiet, now it's still quiet with half a tooth missing. Often happens (till they run out altogether) maybe every year or two. With my recent anxiety I often thought what if I need to go to the dentist, at least my teeth were ok. I haven't got tablets yet (long conferences going on to decide what to try next) so will probably have to face it raw. Great prospect.

So why do I mention it? I wondered if by facing up to one classic problem whether it would be possible to find some good in it as the 'strength through adversity' crowd insist. Sharon already reminded me there was no pain, and I realised soon after if I don't actually think about it it would help as well as there's no benefit in doing so. If only there were visiting dentists. I'm claustrophobic and the pain sometimes involved is no party either. They used to have notrous oxide but that's unpopular now and there seems there'll be little extra help when the time comes.
It also makes my other problems seem strangely distant. We can only focus on so much and it does seem to have put the other stuff in proportion. I'd still prefer not having to fight fire with fire, and surely there are better ways of relieving a situation than replacing a chronic one with an acute one, which may also remove the chronic one when relieved. My grandma had a similar treatment for her asthma, they deliberately gave her the flu and when it left it took the asthma with. This was in the 1940s, how they worked that treatment out god only knows, but it worked. Life has the same for me now, but is surely the least preferable and has to be a soft alternative surely?

If I'm going through a shamanic preparation, I need my mind and body to be replaced, and better than before. How that could be I can only pass over to the forces who control that area as I'm buggered if I can fathom it out. Meditation is another area to follow which has been overlooked recently. It has allowed me to override things in the past so may be forcing me to again.
Silver linings in clouds. This again means a controller making complex situations with folded in hidden meanings like a Chinese puzzle. The only one I could think of was the cure like with like, but that's a horrible way of doing it and if I was in control wouldn't even consider doing something like that. Probaly why I'm not...

So, today has started like an evil spell or curse, and I'm now mentally killing myself trying to find some crumbs of goodness within it. If I don't I'll literally go mad. I bet they have good dental departments in the loony bin...


No posts for a while simply as the builder was here and I was away at my grandma's for a few days as a result. And still not finished, especially as it'll be 6 more weeks (officially) before the missing parts come since the whole country's kitchen units were burnt in a warehouse fire.

So I haven't really been doing much besides some nice photos yesterday, and tracking down the stalker yesterday with Sharon. After all that it turned out to be the usual person, but a level beyond the previous nonsense and truly evil. I am really sorry someone who ought to know better has it in them after such a long time to bear such a grudge it turned them mentally ill, though that potential had to be there already. Sharon isn't used to crap like this and deserves it even less than me as she has never hurt anyone round here.

That out of the way, it's gone dead quiet here. I really ought to try and finish my course reading now, and start on the research and essays. The picture's been on hold as half the house was a building site, and the one area I am working on is finally learning some decent jazz piano from an Oscar Peterson tape. But as for reporting Kingsbury life I have run out of material and may have to switch to philosophy again, except nothing's happened there either. We will see...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Spirit guide

OK, having said it's all crap in my eyes, the possibility of using the Akashic records (all the information that is) to give the impression another person is communicating is the more likely, rather than the view real 'dead people' are out there influencing our lives. Either way, whichever is the case, I have a guide who I've probably mentioned in passing and will now describe in full.

From at least age 7, I've been concerned with a German-Jewish type psychiatrist who understands and accepts everything people do. Even then I wanted a figure who didn't judge people for their behaviour, but understood why they did it. I met a real psychiatrist on holiday a few years later who gave me private lessons as he was so impressed a child could have such an interest, then found people I knew started telling me their problems, and I knew what to say.

I took up therapy at college at 26 and that was finally the start of my current profession. One afternoon on the way back from college I went to see a clairvoyant, she said I was in a medical sort of profession and had a spirit guide she could see clearly and described. Guess who it was? An Austrian (?) doctor called George Liebmann, who had sent me in that direction himself. She saw him with his wife and children (wherever he was) and filled in the space of who I'd been thinking of for 20 years.

Then I saw the circle begin to complete. Rather than find a living person of this description, I am becoming him. No choice, just happening naturally. I still look for a person like that myself, maybe Tommy Boyd is close, but not German or Jewish... Otherwise as the proper gurus say I am finding that which I look for outside within, which is my screen name's meaning satguru.

So for all I know George has been sent to get me on my path and is responsible for my putting my potential into practice. Tommy's sidekick Allison (who sounds so hot I'm sure he's going to be tempted...) said it reminds her of Jesus, who spoke his truth, publicised it and got shat on by many in thanks. I know the feeling. But my mission is clearly beyond my choice to continue or nelson's and others to fail or give up. I am only interested in the final result, if I win. The path to it is meaningless and irrelevant as if you win the style and route isn't that important, as long as I don't get too much hassle from doing it. Not from outside but from blockages on the path where I apparently can't get further. False dawns where I seem to get a shift but everything then slips back almost as it was. How long that could take is a mystery, but I can't give up. No way!


Sharon has received a pile of comments on her blog but aimed at me.

This arsehole knows me very well. I've never encountered anyone from the 'real' world following me online before, the school bully who can't face me in person has decided to use the internet to hide behind, and have a go at an innocent friend as well. Truly sick.

This is a criminal offence and I have involved the police, this has gone too far and people have to know that just because they think they are hiding behind the apparent anonymity of a screen sooner or later people will catch up with them.

I have managed to track the person down now, and what they said (I hadn't read it previously) is the ravings of mental illness. The previous name I offered here was a red herring and nothing to do with any of the incidents so I apologise.

Carla's answers

Well David, here are my answers to those same questions:

What is your view on the soul? I know from when we talked
and from you blog your view of organized religion, which I agree with completely. So does the soul exist? And if so does illness, physical, mental or emotionally have an effect on the soul?

Yes, the soul exists. All living things have a soul. I believe when someone is physically ill, the soul becomes stronger to help you overcome your illness. If the illness is terminal, the soul helps you accept what cannot be helped and it also gives you strength to prepare for the end.

In my opinion, being mentally ill or emotionally ill has no effect on the soul.

How did we get here? Evolution? God? (Not likely) or some
other force? How and why were we created? Obviously whoever created humans must have had a sense of humor. Just look at how our bodies are put together.

If you believe one hundred percent in the Bible, then God created us from his own image; however, I wholeheartedly feel that we evolved. DNA doesn’t lie and since human DNA is so close to chimpanzee DNA, evolution is really the right one.

What purpose is there in suffering? Is it to teach a lesson?

There isn’t a purpose to suffering. If you think about it, humans are the only mammals that make themselves suffer, physically, mentally and emotionally; and we are the only mammals that inflict suffering on animals.

In my opinion, the only lesson there is to suffering is that human beings can be very cruel.

*I know this is something you have blogged about but it is something that really bothers me.* Shamanism. This is something that I have never really studied and would like to hear more about.

From what I’ve heard and read about, Shamanism is another method of healing. The Shamans use medicinal plants and call on the “spirits” to help them in healing. Some Shamans have been credited with controlling the weather and also miracle cures. Some Shamans have been known to use esoteric drugs (derived from plants such as datura) to help them communicate with the spirit world.

Are some people meant to spend their lives alone? What
would be the purpose in it?

I don’t believe some people are meant to spend the lives alone. I feel it’s all a master plan, and eventually we will figure it out and realise who we are to spend our lives with. For the individuals who do/will spend their lives alone, they haven’t figured out the plan.

Adversity is supposed to make us stronger. Stronger for
what and for that matter why do some have to suffer so much while others breeze through life?

I think what that saying means is that adversity will make our souls and minds stronger, for once having learned something, we’re not likely to forget it.

Also, maybe the people who are supposedly “breezing” through life, only want everyone to think life is “that” easy. They want everyone to see them as “perfect”, able to accomplish everything.

Do you think that we programmed from birth as to what and who we become? Or do we have some input into it?

All babies are born with basic instincts. Most of what have become or will become has been programmed from conception, but we do have the ability to add/change different things.

Is it ever really possible to put the past behind you and leave it there?

Yes, as long as a person is not a repititious kind of person.

We are all a part of the collective mind. So everyone should be equally able to tap into it. But the majority of people do not even seem to be aware that it exists. Why do you think that is?

The people who don’t seem to know that it exists are the people least likely to have the ability of it.

Does everyone have a spirit guide? How do you find yours?

I believe everyone has a spirit guide. You can find your spirit guide by assessing the times in your life that were troubled but that which you were able to overcome; you overcame those troubled times because you had help from your spirit guide. Your spirit guide will also give you clues as to who or what she or he is.


Some were not that different from my own, I have to point out my answers are only in the way of self inquiry. No way do I know the answers, I offered answers solely as a way to discover any more about the universal questions, and as I couldn't really find anyone else (before Sharon) to help, I asked for questions for me to attempt to answer. But I'm not the expert, just part of the discussion. Everyone can and should join in, it's a joint effort. And maybe we wil get there together if we just keep going and go with the flow as I have done here for some time. No plans, just what happens each day.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Bugger the present

There may be little to say about the present at the moment, but writing about my old house brought memories from a period 1965-1993, of the happier and funnier variety, often toilet related, which I'd rather write about.

The time when (which was only funny after the event) there was a nasty fishy smell for weeks which we couldn’t track down until the cleaner discovered the cat had been sick under the telephone table… If it was my own house the humour would have been totally absent. The dog who was brought by a friend, who was looking after it for the day, and peed all over my mum’s office carpet as they spoke to each other. I almost willed it to happen and it did, I was about 9 by the way. OK, that was probably the worst examples, but the first that sadly entered my warped lavatory slanted mind.
The baths I already mentioned with my neighbour when I must have been about 6, and my two ladybird dressing gowns, with a curly cord belt and ladybird buttons. One was blue and the other red and I wore them in rotation. Fast forward 25 years to my Dad sitting on the patio (built c 1974) with the cat under the chair. After he retired we spent many afternoons out for tea around Hampstead Heath and Hertfordshire and when it was warm he usually sat out in the garden. We had a succession of gardeners, my favourite being Charlotte who was probably a PhD but preferred gardening to academia, and almost every person who came to work on the house was a character and some became family friends. The first was Alan Smith, the tree surgeon, who was a model and 6’4’’, and the first time he came round he sat down and crushed the kitchen chair.

We then had a series of ‘Mr’s’- Derham the plumber, Bennett the builder, Cunningham the electrician, Bateman and Reilly (two brothers) the decorators, Gross the carpenter, and possibly the best Mack the boilerman who fucked up the boiler but provided a stream of jokes that only ended when he did. Nearly all are sadly no longer with us, as one by one they retired or dropped off the perch first. Most would spend days in the house when I was on school holidays, and some would entertain me with dirty jokes as they worked, the best Mr MacDonald, our first decorator we inherited from my grandparents, who had a competition with me (I was 5) as to where the funniest place was to wipe our nose. He won with ‘I wipe my nose on my trouser leg’. Well, I was only 5. There was also our car mechanic, Mike, who was a genius with a spanner and one of the nicest people I knew who sadly died very young, possibly from alcohol abuse. I saw him as a shadow of his real self a few days before he was no more. Tragic.

Then there were the other visitors mainly who came when my Mum was still there (pre 1982). Willy, the Jewish Frankie Howerd came over sometimes and drove her mad. We had a stream of musical and left wing friends for meetings and duets with my Mum playing the piano and singing. I had friends over the whole time, many overnight, and drove my parents mad until I got to about 18 and we calmed down a bit. My mum finally let me have women over (as in bedroom) by about 20 but didn’t like it! I always had my freedom, and about that time set up a CB radio with a growing aerial system hidden within the roof until I could transmit around the world. That was the beginning of my late nights which have now reached their reversal point.
I loved fire. I used to collect rubbish to burn in the garden and probably inhaled some dreadful stuff when my favourite material, plastic, was burnt with fascinating results, sending drips of flaming liquid falling to the ground, each one whistling as it fell like a musical firework. I even burnt all the neighbour’s garden rubbish in a fire which lasted for hours as the leaves had been building up for ages. I had tea with them afterwards, and the husband died in his sleep the same night at 88. I remember doing a bit in their garden before my finals, and after telling them I passed she said she’d been praying for me that day. It clearly worked (my marks doubled in the final year).

The outbuildings provided a workshop for my more practical hobbies. We had an outside boiler room, which also stored the garden chairs and compost etc. One day I decided to start decorating by painting it. I did the wall in purple gloss, which remained for almost 20 years and looked fantastic. The only minor problem was I ran out of paint, and a grey patch remained the whole time. I painted wooden articles in the garage, a hamster cage, guitar (used in my recent video), models etc. and had my bike, tools and other implements and also carried out a number of motorbike repairs with the help of my friend who was good at that sort of thing.

Though I always missed a brother or sister, I was as happy as I could be there, and though my mum left half way through, leaving a woman-shaped gap for 12 years, it was still the same place, and some friends of my Dad’s still came over, mine were the same and though it took a long time to get used to the loss, I was busy on my degree and used that to get absorbed in something else. I bought a flat in 1988, but always came back more than not, and worked my way through three properties while living there, finally staying there when my father moved to my house, where I am usually now at weekends since he bought it from me. Of course most people leave the family house to have their own, and I missed out on the family bit. I know people who inherited the family house and kept it after the family died. But though the closest I get now is looking through the window, I’ll always have those 28 years of memories, and know a place can become magical, as was our previous house (very similar but half the size), the main reason it took me so long to settle into the next one as I was happy there and wanted to stay.I can’t turn the clock back, but magic is magic and may be able to do strange things by entering its field.

positive and negative

I certainly don’t intend to be negative or slanted in my view of life. What I write reflects where I am at the time. If the balance is I’m having a rough time, then of course that’s reflected here. I can’t do much else as it isn’t a work of fiction. Anyway, my ventures into searching for answers are now being joined by others, and one has pointed me to my next branch of the project.

How comes those who believe can’t convey whatever it is that they believe in to others?

That’s a question that is going to need complex research to analyse. Apart from the recently discovered god gene, which apparently determines if we believe or not, what I really need to know is what faith and belief have as their foundation in reality, and then why it can’t be passed from person to person like any other information. If I learn something I can convey it to others. If I feel something I can only describe it. But religious belief is based on a feeling not in our universal spectrum of feelings. It’s a feeling most people don’t have on their list. No different from describing sight to someone born blind. What on earth makes the devout so convinced they have something, and then they can’t even share it or show it to others, who just have to sit back and scratch their heads, wondering what foreign energy animates them, and makes them so much calmer and happier than those of us born without.

I’m waiting to see if my friend joins in here to investigate as well, as without her original question as to how I am without faith, I couldn’t formulate yet another dilemma that there are two types of people in existence who can’t see how the others operate. Maybe this question (if answered) holds the key to everything.

Secondly Carla has replied to my questions, and may well be able to post them soon. But having read them about half actually agree with my own. If it appeared they didn’t it was only in the inadequacy of the written word compared to a conversation. On suffering we are totally on message, and more or less on its less evil relative, adversity. I’ll go through them all in full if I can post them again.

Otherwise apart from my fascinating hypnosis last week, I’ve had very little to report from my own life. One of those periods when family ask what I’ve been doing and I answer nothing. The half hour or so I spent in the park on Saturday produced some of my best photos so far, and told me that I live where I do as it has some of the nicest surroundings you’ll come across anywhere. Having been there until I was 5, remembered everything about it (as did a neighbour who left when he was 3!) and not being able to afford the old family plot, had to do the next best. But our park is probably better. Holidays are fine, but I learnt a long time ago it was better to not go somewhere nice and then get depressed when you came home, but arrange somehow to live somewhere as good as the holiday places, which I did. That in turn reminded me of our old house where I went after I was 5. It had become a special place, which I really discovered after leaving, as despite some very unhappy memories, the place was still special regardless of what happened there. Being there from 5 to 33 I felt so safe there it didn’t help with my phobias, as there was literally no place like home, and when I was in a state, I wanted to be there. Due to the downside I was glad to close the front door for the last time in 1993, but gradually realised I needed a break not a complete split. It wasn’t even the family element, as I was there on my own towards the end after both my parents went their separate ways. That improved things, but it was the place that remained and given a chance would return and never leave again.

I dream about living there regularly, and have photographic memories of every inch of it, each cupboard, shelf, door and window. I could build a model of it as it was in complete accuracy, and like the big brother house I would recreate if rich enough, could do the same with that. Orange was the dominant colour, thanks to my mum’s fascination with it as a ‘cheerful colour’. Decorated in the mid 70s, it had an orange hall as you came in leading to a double orange kitchen. The orange theme followed upstairs to the landing, and until I took it over as my bedroom, my mum’s office. I decorated my earlier room in purple, my favourite colour at the time, and had white walls with a purple carpet and striped white and purple curtains, which appear to still be there. My parent’s bedroom, as in Kingsbury before, was pink. In a good way. Pink flowers on the walls with pink cupboards and drawers. Newer ones were wood and white, but blended in perfectly. The bathroom was green and yellow, later on getting a skylight as we built across the old window. The lounge went from one end of the house to the other with a sliding door if we wanted half used as the dining room. The kitchen had a fascinating ‘museum cupboard’ which twisted under the stairs, and contained food and kitchen items from antiquity. The old cupboard doors were yellow with red handles, but painted white once the kitchen was rebuilt in 1974 or so. I pass the house almost every week to or from seeing my mum, the curtains are frequently open, and I can see in without the privilege of being there. I learnt to appreciate what good I had from there, but too late to use it. I like where I am now, but it’s not in the same sort of area, and will never afford anything like it in my lifetime the way things stand. If I married money it would be a double bonus, and it often seems when good things happen they happen large, so when the door opens it can let everything through in one go.

I remember the workmen building the cupboards and fitted bookshelves, that added over the years as we had more possessions. The rooms were bigger than almost anywhere else I know, the main bedroom was almost the size of my current loft room which is the size of two rooms made into one. I reckon even my clothes would have fitted in had I had that room now. We also collected au pairs and other ladies from Europe the way other people collect china. From the age of 8 we had an au pair, and some remained friends, and either stayed with us when visiting London or dropped in when passing through. Many used our space to store excess baggage, and we often had cases filled with flowery dresses to partly compensate for the lack of real people living there. Compared to now, where all there is is me, my things and an incontinent stray cat as well as the official one, the only benefit is I am in charge of the whole place. After one evening that wears off and all you notice is there’s no one there to talk to or hear moving around in another room. The old place was so huge I always had a tenant, and one night one had a sleepover with about 5 women flushing the toilet all night long. That was too much, but the potential was there to do so. And being so familiar even with no one left there besides me, it was home and almost seemed to have a life of its own from all the years of memories it had absorbed. So the place had become elevated beyond the level of anywhere else and when there I felt almost as if I’d entered a higher realm which reduced with distance.

No point to it, just had something that was good to share and showed how there is some magic in my life, albeit in the past.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The bottom line

One thing I’ve discovered is many people react and respond more to the feeling behind what I write than the writing itself. More about that later. But this led me to respond myself and look for answers of my own.
They picked up the reasons for my search, desperation. But at least now the readers and I are together in that I have realised my own motivation as well as them, and there’s no difference between their opinions and my own admission.

So, it’s now clear my search was motivated specifically by two things. One, my own wish to find there was a protection from suffering, and second, that I am not alone. The hundreds of things I’ve read that say a higher intelligence exists and directs and helps us forced me by my own circumstances to go on a mission to see if this was true. Imagine not only being in my house, particularly in my room at night, and finding not only was I being watched, but actually may have someone else with me, even though I couldn’t see them. It was almost as if (had there been a force behind it) my life had become so bad so as to make me do this, being one of the few people determined enough to follow through such a project. Like I believe that…

Alternatives range from the humanistic view, where this is all there is and any belief in more is deluded and childish. This is my personal one which I began with, but both the prospect of it, which meant life is a pretty hostile scenario, and the evidence I do continually find that contradicts it points to something else.
But what have I found? So far, at least, I have found not a scrap of evidence there are either higher powers or, most importantly of all, any benevolent forces. I have though (as described many times) found there is more evidence than would sway any sensible experiment, that there appears to be an arrangement in the way life is. This would require the sort of creative forces only possible by a god-like power, but of a totally neutral and uncaring variety, with apparently no interest in the feelings of the subjects, but solely their situations. Very similar to most alien abductees, they have their agenda, abilities to carry out apparently impossible physical feats such as walking through walls, but having absolutely no interest in (and possibly awareness of) other’s feelings, like true psychopaths.

This would show a very different picture to the spiritual one I searched for evidence of. Instead we have a scenario where we may well not be alone, but watched by furtive and secretive torturers, who refuse to be seen by their subjects and use their absolute control over matter to set up infinitely various situations for us to enjoy or suffer. What they get from it who knows? So maybe the people who report angels and miracles have just been at the ‘top end’ of the random events set up by these sadists and combined the supernatural element with the random positivity they experienced to assume their controllers were good.

My channelled alien last week insisted all these angelic (my term) influences and dimensions existed, and while I can’t avoid the facts the arrangements I’ve seen imply definite influences above us, but far from angelic. If they are omnipotent they rarely bother to help when we haven’t been in a position where human actions can work, but sat back and watched us squirm, like seeing a turtle on its back and not turning it over. Am I to believe power and morals don’t come together, or worse still, they do, but I apparently am unable to understand the convoluted reasons why though able to help us when we can’t help ourselves, usually refuse to. So, despite having unlimited abilities, they watch and either do nothing or set up ridiculous but pointless coincidences most of the time, creating a neutral and often surreal world that, rather than being the spiritual desert many believe, is affected by more but not in a good way.

This leads to the ‘strength through adversity’ argument. In non-religious parlance the devil is not a person, but a way of acting in which you lie in so much truth the lie isn’t noticed. So an argument makes apparent sense unless you look at literally every permutation to find the floor it’s built on doesn’t actually exist. So with this one. ‘You could have a slow and easy development that may work, but why not be pushed through hell and come out better really fast?’. Doesn’t work for me if put that way, and probably you either. But doesn’t strength through adversity sound noble, rather than an excuse for suffering. Besides fairly primitive medical treatments like injections and dental work I can’t think of many more examples where we have to suffer to benefit overall, apart from exams.

The religions promote this view very strongly as well, though the eastern ones say suffering exists but ‘only as an illusion’. Yes, like the illusion of a fucking toothache… please, give people some credit and intelligence. Anyway, having dismissed the total religions of the world (and not for the first time) the Judeo-Christian view of ‘You may suffer but know God is always with you’ is the same as saying ‘Starve but know there’s always a menu’. My life, what total bollocks!’ Yes, I have done my best to analyse these nonsensical utterances with every element of my intelligence, but still come up with the same view. Whichever way you look at it, no, the emperor has no clothes on. They’re not invisible, thin, or any other tut that the tailors in the story claim. No, they simply just aren’t there, and I believe I’ve investigated this issue long and deeply enough to have not a shred of value hiding so deep within it you just have to keep looking to find it.
I will stay open minded though, and allow any new data to change my view. If.

Back to what I said at the beginning, responding to the feeling behind what I write. Positively, in many cases, but I’m going to look at the negative minority as it has been fairly vocal recently. Apparently it’s a possible reaction to perceived vulnerability to respond with hostility. Very playground bully. The ‘I’m all right Jack, if I was in your position I’d sort it out easily’ attitude held by those who seem to think other people’s problems are always easier to solve than their own if only they could see how to do it. But instead of giving no advice beyond basic ‘grow up’s and ‘pull yourself together’s, there are no specific means ever offered, just rudeness.
In my years of counselling training I can say there was no method within the whole profession of humiliating clients to help them. Believing another with a problem you’ve either never had or had and solved is inadequate and deserves to be treated with contempt shows as much about you as a person as your apparently relative success. For physical overcoming of problems is a small element compared to having a heart. If you are like our possible controllers, omnipotent but heartless, you are worth nothing, in fact less than nothing, as having power without a responsible method of using it mean you are better off not existing at all. Jesus actually got this bit right, saying whatever you are, without love you are worthless. In Jewish tradition, it was said by Rabbi Hillel that if you treat others the way you wish to be treated, the rest is commentary. Inside the chaotic and often wild contradictions of religious books, nuggets of good can be found, but hidden in nonsense. Amazingly the exact opposite of the devil! Instead of hiding a bomb in a bunch of flowers, the holy books appear to have hidden a gold nugget in a sewer, so to speak. Those who are aggressive, hostile, holier than thou, critical, judgemental and insulting have not got the point. Their egos have grown at the expense of their hearts. They have become a material and social success, learning and overcoming obvious adversity, and apparently stronger for it. But what have they to show to offer OTHERS? A hard heart and a sharp tongue. No use to me or anyone else. A cruel ruler of tough love- sounds just like what I’ve been on about the whole time- God. But the God of the bible and the Koran, and the one who appears to guide those who move around our lives like rats in an experiment. Sure, they have the power and the knowledge, but NO HEART.

Will I discover more?

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Week's review

This week I got quite a lot done, of course the dialogues blogged already, satsang with Sharon (open for everyone to join in including Carla, who's already been invited) and Ayumi who channeled an entity called Sarsha, and provided the only convincing alien data I've ever heard. Then, within 24 hours Talk Sport had someone on talking about guess what, how aliens are harmless. I rang in and got my first media mission in place within a day of receiving it. I am on the press list for Discovery TV following my appearance a few weeks from now, and now I know what to tell them. It was a nice sunny day today and while I walked in the park oppositer took the camera with me just in case. I've virtually finished my planned trips with it, and now will just see what else happens to come to me. Here's one not already on Flickr, of the Welsh Harp reservoir with industrial Staples Corner estate behind.

Otherwise I am just sitting back and seeing what happens. I have my instructions that if I believe in aliens angels and miracles they'll possibly happen. I reckon my beliefs must have shifted permanently now, as the system I was given fits together so well something has to be going on. At worst it's a very clear form of telepathy where she picked up my own thoughts so clearly, which still shows telepathy can be done at an almost telephonic level.

As far as the questions and answers/satsang goes, it's out of my hands. The answers are mainly based on what feels right, don't ask me to prove them, better others try and let me know what happens. I accept the possibility for all things unseen, but needn't worry about life before and after this one as this one is all there is for me. So I'll look into that, and let the rest happen if and when it does. I could be going round in circles, getting nowhere, or a breakthrough. It has a momentum of its own, I don't know the questions before they come, and if one comes that moves my own awareness the job may be done.
Satsang is not a scientific lecture, as the teacher can't always demonstrate what he says practically. But little I say so far is original, I can see that, but agrees with many before me. The main thing is so many people contradict it and try and live the opposite ways thinking they know better. How successful are they? And what happens when the success they took for granted turns to failure, or even worse, disaster? Suddenly they've joined the same queue looking for answers. I'm still there giving them, and then they become interesed. So why not get the answers before you need them just in case?

Q & A 2

Sometimes, alright most of the time to be completely honest, it seems that the closer I get to being the person that I want to be the farther it pushes other people away. At this point in my life I refuse to hide who I am and what I believe but it makes me question growth. Is growth really worth it if in the end all you are left with is yourself? What have you gained by that?

1) You have assumed the future will be the same, which you can't see. The biggest task is to be yourself, like merging the persona with the true person. Then, in the words of Jung, you have self actualised. You only get stick from others as they haven't got close to it and can't handle those who have

When you meet new people, whether in person or online, there are some who you feel an immediate connection with. It feels as if you have known them forever. Would you say this is proof of reincarnation and they are people we have known before. Or is it that whoever is pulling the strings in the universe is just directing us to who they want us to meet?

2) I don't work with unknowns, so would steer clear of reincarnation (as Nick does, we agree on most things). Vibrations are so different for each person, and we pick up closer frequencies to our own. I am also still investigating the string pullers but their evidence is everywhere.

Suffering, I know I come back to this topic a lot, forces us to find ways to alleviate it. So I would suppose it is a learning experience. Taking it as a learning experience do we learn more by suffering to learn something than we would have by learning in a more pleasant way?

No, that's justifying pain which is what religion does all the time to make people take it. In that way I'm an idealist and would try and transcend the lot. You only need knowledge of the dark to appreciate the light eternally. Experiencing the dark is unnecessary after discovering it once (not my idea btw).

If you take all of the little irritants and annoyances. Not to mention all of the the pain and suffering in life as a learning experience. Karma is trying to show us something. A possibility would be that after enough exposure to them we build up calluses or immunity to them. They don't bother us anymore and we can go on to greater growth. Or do you think that is a load of ...well you know what.

same as last q, we seem to become more sensitive as we get older- don't many older people (like me) become less tolerant of irritations and the more you have the more irritating it is. Enlightenment offers an escape though some say even that isn't a way out. But there must be states gained from meditation that rise above the current of suffering. We just need quicker ways of accessing them,as current ones take a long time for most, if they happen at all.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Alien dialogue- best so far.

I saw a new alleged abductee tonight, and have been allowed to share the session here. This time the information was so direct and clear it's virtually impossible to dismiss it, plus three names were given out of three which would have been totally impossible to know as as far as I know the only public mention of them was right here, and she only knew of me last month and doesn't know about my web activities. What follows is a dictation of the main points of the regression, but I must add this was not a recovery regression as Ayumi, the subject, had plenty of memories of abductions, just not clear enough to recall details or separate. Therefore I was not dealing with a blank, but filling in details of scenarios she was only too aware of. This is the better end of researching as there is far less possibility of being accused of feeding the subject, as the scenario has already been presented, but just not in a clear way that can be followed as any other memory.

I aimed at the first abduction but was given possibly a more important one she had while still living in Japan at age 16: This is a dictation from her exact words. I'm in brackets.

I see an alien in front of me, it's thin and has huge eyes. It's shining like silver grey with golden powder, looking at me. We're on a ship,in a white room with an oval dome, there are three of them working here. They're talking (with their voices?) No,
their mouth doesn't move. There's a window to a huge planet in front of me, orange like Venus. They're telling me the history of their planet, they're connected to the Earth, our green and environmental energies will change. They lost their land, this is their planet not ours. They say I have to know this, it's important to know it. And they have no water there.
(Have they given you a mission?) To take the information and investigate what she can do. There's a friendship of the galaxy, our neighbours, they're preparing us for it, but not yet. They're working on lots of people, to have a more easy life, environmental, not cutting down trees, and get a natural way to live, and with each other. Then we will realise we're not alone. There's a programme to take her every now and then to learn, part of the plan.

(Can the telepathic link work now and you hear the aliens?) Yes, his name is Sarsha. [Sarsha speaks through Ayumi now]
This was not your first abduction at 16. (Will you reveal yourself to Earth at last?)We will be in touch very soon. It won't be a surprise, lots of people are waking up in a slow way.
(Am I part of your plan) I am, I am asked to do this for the media and government, I'll have a strong connection with them in future, I have a gift. People relax, believe me and are honest with me [as a result]. I don't yet believe I can work for the government but I can. I'm part of a team, we'll join together and work in the media to change it and become organised. Lose any fear, all people will help me. Things will start changing, people will gain their own powers.
The message we are to give is: To show how the aliens are good and positive, and don't see as threat to be defended against, but friends and neighbours. Ayumi must believe her own flow and don't listen to others. If it feels right is the key, they helped her develop her powers.
(Are you the same race who abduct Trevor [my previous reported subject])? We are slightly different, they came from the same place and DNA but we branched out and went elsewhere, and are like cousins.

I then asked, just in case, to aim as high as I could and ask to confirm who and where the other aliens were from, as Trevor had already told me and can only be found on my blog about a year ago.

The three answers I required, in order, were: Orion, Egypt and Sphinx.

(Which star system are they from?) Subaru (Pleiades in Japan)- (Are you sure? this may be related but I was given somewhere else). Orion.

(Where does Trevor say they originally visited on Earth?) [Instant reply] Egypt

(What do their faces resemble) A bird, and eagle. (What do their faces look like) Hathor. [100% correct. The face on the sphinx, and the face on Mars look exactly like Hathor] I also get Ashtar [Ashtar command is part of a higher power apparently controlling many universal affairs]

I see lots of eyes and strange writing.
(Do you have a final message?) For Ayumi, get ufo groups celebrating, discussion groups. Reverse the negative image of aliens so they can reveal themselves. [To me] I have to believe the evidence now. I was reincarnated from a similar race of aliens, I'm part of it and want to go back. They will reveal themselves when we are on the right level. Even the higher powers don't know how long this will take. It's not planned in advance as we have free will. We [humans] are doing better now, there will be a big change, and huge spiritual energies coming down.
There are helpers ['angels'] all among us. Listen to your intuition to see their working. They are working for each one of us, and with aliens. Many humans come here to help us from the future, but they are in different form. Our DNA is being changed.

How I can have any doubts left after Ayumi/Sarsha gave three out of three answers exactly right (plus one off one at the start which may prove to be relevant) and also remember she is Japanese, and English is not her first language, yet even in Japanese (Subaru) she was able to make her meaning clear and find the right words and English versions of names sometimes not familiar to her before. In fact she barely remembered many of her answers and I had to read them back to remind her. It seems her personality was literally set aside while I spoke with Sarsha who was fluent and gave instant and consistent answers to all my questions, plus made not only perfect sense of my own role in convincing the powers that be that aliens are positive and our friends, but having never met me before said how I put people at their ease and allow them to open up honestly. I've been doing that most of my life, and she had no way of knowing that. So, the higher beings actually exist, are related to us, and can time travel? Watch this space.

Update following more research:
Though Trevor's aliens were from Orion and Ayumi said Pleiades, Hathor itself is pointed towards the Pleiades. Therefore wherever Zephos, Zarg and Garmon are from there is clearly a triangular relationship between Egypt and the two star systems.

Secondly the first image Ayumi came up with for the aliens was a bird. Not having seen the images besides the face I had no idea of the body of Hathor, but guess what Hathor is. Despite the Sphinx being a definite cat, the images of Hathor on paper (many and very well documented) show her as a bird.
This means there was virtually no superfluous information in the account. The uncertainties we originally had turned out to be more corroboration for the whole picture, increasing the elements from around three to at least five.

Questions and answers on life

Here are Sharon's questions as mentioned, with my answers. As I personally know the huge gaps in the areas I'd like to know, I am using both intuition or saying where I have no idea. But in the very process of answering questions, there is also a mechanism where even though it can't be proved (yet?) answers come and are added though where they come from is not from either my own knowledge or experience.

What is your view on the soul? I know from when we talked
and from you blog your view of organized religion, which I agree with
completely. So does the soul exist? And if so does illness, physical, mental or
emotionally have an effect on the soul?

The soul, never really considered it. We all share an awareness behind everything else, but like spirits I see no evidence for any more than that. We can sometimes project that awareness outside the body, so that's the nearest I can come across. But effects are on our memory and awareness, I don't think adding a soul dimension is necessary to see the effects so far.
But there are higher levels of our own known energy, the kundalini, which have definite physical effects when stirred by meditation, and are supposed to raise higher powers but no experience of that yet.

How did we get here? Evolution? God?(Not likely) or some
other force? How and why were we created? Obviously whoever created humans
must have had a sense of humor. Just look at how our bodies are put

I will work on that. It doesn't really concern me, as death. We are here and can only experience here, so what came before or comes after is not going to help us here. But I like the way bodies are put together outside, they could just be a bit stronger when challenged in various ways, as our minds as well.

What purpose is there in suffering? Is it to teach a lesson?

Suffering- maybe this is a crossed wire in our design as I see no purpose for it at all (just like religion). Why on earth go to a school where the best way to learn was through punishment? Who on earth/beyond would bother to design a system like that without being a sadist? And for religion, if we have a creator, why worship them, and follow diverse rules changed by humans continually since the beginning of time.

*I know this is something you have blogged about but it is something that
really bothers me.* Shamanism. This is something that I have never really
studied and would like to hear more about.

Shamanism is a way of entering the collective mind, and using a journey as a way to deal with a specific question given by you or the patient/subject. There are many variations within the practice, but relies on 'entities' you meet there which may just as well be areas of our own minds. Some use drugs but I wouldn't ever try that again... (long story, single conclusion). It's more clairvoyance to me than a particular system, but I don't stick to one (the western way probably) but add new ones where useful.

Are some people meant to spend their lives alone? What
would be the purpose in it?

Are we destined to live alone? No- that's an assumption of fate, which in turn implies a decision from outside. Pure chance seems the reason in most cases, plus our own personalities. I turned down as many offers for marriage as I made. If one person on that list felt the opposite way I wouldn't be alone.In your case, you tell me you are shy and have built up walls. That would almost inevitably make you alone as you engineered it! No judging, just cause/effects.

Adversity is supposed to make us stronger. Stronger for
what and for that matter why do some have to suffer so much while others
breeze through life?

Adversity is an excuse people use to justify it. We'd all prefer not to. The actual relevance is where you take and pass a test, and need to know it wasn't easy or anyone could pass it. That's the closest I can get to adversity helping, but not the way other people mean it.

Do you think that we programmed from birth as to what and who we become? Or do we have some input into it?

Our personality seems wired from conception, there are twin studies that support that. But what happens is on a yes/no result of one question alone. Is there a higher power at work? If not, it's random, if so, they intervene when required, so we have chances to fulfil our purposes. But we'd only be machines if we had no influence on it.

Is it ever really possible to put the past behind you and leave it there?

Depends if you made a mistake and believed you were wrong when you were right, or blamed the wrong people for something. Finding things weren't caused as you thought will put it behind you, as will new information in the present. But of course the memories will remain one way or another.

We are all a part of the collective mind. So everyone should be equally able to tap into it. But the majority of people do not even seem to be aware that it exists. Why do you think that is?

That's a simpler one, we are not brought up knowing about it. As few look and even fewer find, it works in a way it doesn't impose itself upon us. Rather we get data and assume we worked it out ourself. It's only when we get information impossible to get normally we realise we're hooked into the total

Does everyone have a spirit guide? How do you find yours?

Totally skeptical on spirits, if they exist at all they have very little input in our world, probably as they aren't allowed to usually. Like aliens they choose not to interact openly, if they exist that is.

Order in chaos

Today has been surreal. No gory details, I'm still primitive enough to believe whistling for the devil may work, so I will save the sharp focus stuff and look at what it all seems to represent.

It appears we are living in a playground of sorts, where we are the toys and someone is the child playing with them. They move us around, and punish and reward us at will, but apparently in a childish arbitrary way, with no real sense or knowledge behind it. Sometimes it seems a parent or policeman has come in and shifted something in a sensible way at times, as it seems not all results are from that lower source. So when I am stressed and people cancel arrangements I am thankful as I rarely do and soldier on, sometimes when better not to.
Another weirdness is when a serious disappointment or bombshell is about to happen, instead of happening suddenly, something else bad happens that takes me down some ways, and then when the bomb hits minutes later I don't have so far to fall with the shock. This just happened tonight, and I eventually did more or less what I had to.
That was unplanned, unplannable, and provided me with a lose-lose situation where whichever way I moved there would have been trouble. I had no way around it, and that was an example of how having plans, expectations and 'I'll never do...s' are void. Every year of life negates a plan where I said 'I'll always do...' 'I won't get caught...' etc. No way! We can't cheat life itself! If we think we can fix the future, or even all our future lives we are so naive we may as well take out extra insurance as whatever we try and stop the most nearly always will happen!!!

Sorry to sound so negative, but think about and apply it. You can't hogtie the future! If you say you won't make so and so mistake, give up something, take up an old habit, etc etc, you only have so much control or will power. So life sees you getting too big for your boots and makes damn sure you will break every last fucking rule till your will is broken and you surrender totally. Until that time (which you can't choose either, it either happens or it doesn't), just don't aim higher than you can reach. Be realistic. Plan for today, don't expect anything to be how you want it to be. Don't commit beyond what you can guarantee. Which is nothing. Certainty. How we get fooled because we do the same things every day we'll do them tomorrow and in 2020. No we won't! That's a trend, a phase, not life. One day, using hard science, you'll drive to a garage and they won't have any petrol. Ever. That's predictable. But literally anything you take for granted can end as fast as this.


It's gone. Over. You can't walk any more. You can't see. Whatever you trust or take for granted can come and go at its own leisure.
This is NOT negative. It is not positive. It is neutral. We can be given something as well, as I have been many times. I chose the doom and gloom as it surrounds me at present, and seems, on earth, possibly to just have the edge. I wish I'm wrong, that bit is conjecture. I know it can go both ways but so far see the negative as happening more easily than the positive, but I am also aware that's my february 2006 perception and not tried and tested.

Back to my theory. There seems to be a controller or controllers here. Who makes those really weird things happen, when you're talking about something way off field and then something exactly like that happens to you (trust me, it has been), not once but twice. Added to a lifetime of similar experiences, many of which I've mentioned here and elsewhere online. But where the hell these are going is still a mystery. Maybe we are the playthings not of God, but one of God's two year old children, who have free rein to 'practice' on us, as if learning how to do the grown up job some time in the future when pa retires. I don't know. But worship it? For goodness sake, how many people's suffering do you want catalogued before you realise there is no benevolent force or bias in the world? Those in trouble look for it, wish for it, and some find it. But very few in comparison. Arbitrary reward is the field of the devil/evil as is putting a bomb in a birthday cake. You have to make the bomb look good before anyone will accept it, so you hide it in something noce, get back to a safe distance, and apparently enjoy the fun.

I don't learn a thing from my negative experiences, except they show me life has not a very nice side to it and I can't avoid it however hard I try. Do I want to learn this? See, another example. I don't choose. Life imposes its lessons and choices, and all we choose is which target to hide in front of (as they can see us there anyway- we just think we're hiding).

Does anyone learn from negative experiences? Tell me! And if you do, could you have learned it in a nicer way? I could in my own experiences, and you?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The mission

Things on the teaching front are progressing at a pace, I have been given the list of questions just like my own, to bounce off my own opinion and hopefully come up with some answers. If there is an ultimate end in this, ie I have something original to offer, that would be very interesting.

But what interests me the most is why the answers seem so clear and obvious to me and not other people. They aren't that profound and surely apply to all people's experience. But so few people seem not to be so busy with their lives they even stop and think of these issues. Strength through adversity? Not exactly. But knowledge is hopefully being forced out somehow through it. The suffering of the few may benefit the growth of many? Well only if I come up with any useful answers, which is not yet known, especially as something tells me the ultimate escape from suffering, both short and long term is apparently on a random basis. It really seems a case of watching and waiting for your torturer to let go. I may be overdramatising, but this is a form of literature and lends itself to it.

So things are happening, literally in theory, as I now have the challenge I asked for, and needed. It does seem as if something beyond both of us is happening that has taken over and used us as its mouthpieces. If I have been chosen for a mission I am very happy to do so. How and why is another story, and if parts (or all) of my life are in preparation for a teaching mission there is surely so much more going on than we realise, and the world is truly a small part of a far greater picture. I am creating a large jigsaw or spiders web which fits together as I carry on, and though still has more space than construction it still may have more than the average person's. Questions and answers posted next.

Sunday, February 05, 2006


I’m entering an area outside my own understanding, but a theory which may extend from what I have learnt so far. There’s a shamanic principle that involves the student either being torn apart and rebuilt during an other world journey, or literally through a serious illness or injury. This is also used in modern Gestalt psychotherapy (meaning whole) where the client’s mind is broken apart to be rebuilt in a better form.

Whether there is a shred of validity in these ideas remains unknown. But they seem to be pushing themselves into my awareness almost as if I’ve been forced on a mission not for myself (as the suffering so far has been far too great) but for the population in general. At least there would have been a point in it if there was. I would have called the lot bollocks myself had I not studied shamanism, and when I see the theory appear possibly applying to me I have to look into it. I became a reiki master in 1997, and studied shamanic practice at college in 2001, so I’m not speaking as a layman. That was on top of 6 months in a psychic development group in 1991-2. I learnt a lot of abilities that people are not supposed to do are not just possible but some are completely natural, using principles now being discovered in quantum physics (where conventional rules cease to apply, just like psychics). But the reconstruction, as well as my next theory, are all based on a level of science virtually on a par with fairy stories. If people are on a mission they are unaware of until complete, it means at a point outside their awareness they were either chosen or chose (and then forgot) this mission, and most of their life previous to it was in preparation, without their having any idea it was.

That would mean a network of life beyond our own where we were at a low level, with strings being pulled by beings beyond our normal awareness and certainly not within our physical universe. All coincidences would cease to be a surprise if everything was being directed from a team outside our world. We can’t help noticing where things are put together in ways impossible to be by chance. They can’t make it too bloody obvious as we’d all realise we weren’t alone or independent, and the cover would be blown. And if they are preparing an individual for a mission, they can reveal anything they like, as I’ve discovered whatever they show to an individual can never be proved to others. But many people I know both here and on the internet have ‘caught’ my coincidences. Similar examples to my own are now reported regularly, and so consistently many people now look for and expect them to keep happening. I’ve said before when I hear an odd name now I say ‘We’ll hear that again soon’ and always do. All recorded in a little book. Even my mother’s total logic as a retired judge has been shaken when she’s heard something even she knows she hasn’t before (after telling me I must have but forgotten it) and again very soon after.

So, having laid out my mission and philosophy, I now want to know what it’s been provided for. There should be a purpose, and hopefully more than simply helping a few isolated people, which I can do anyway as a therapist. Which leads me to my second related theory. Revelation.

In religious and fairy stories throughout history you hear about ordinary people who may have felt a bit different suddenly being told they were a prince or great master when the time was right. Everything in their life was building to that moment and whatever they learnt apparently by random events was provided for their role. Most great people are either born to it or spend their lives working towards it, and only in fairy stories do you really come across the kitchen maid who turns out to be a princess. Or do we? Imagine suddenly discovering whatever you’d been through was because you were destined for greatness and you’d be leading millions of people to a better life? Pretty amazing.
It’s interesting that since my recent health problems somehow all the jobs that had to be done have been, and in fact the work I’ve produced by being stuck locally so much has been far beyond anything I have in the past. I have mental energy while at home even if the physical varies, and each time I’ve been stuck indoors I’ve sat down and done something I could look back at the end of the day and be pleased with. I shouldn’t look at alternatives, what I think I should have done, or would in the past, but what I actually did. Doing crosswords in Starbucks. Not very productive, and means nothing beyond putting on weight eating cakes and mixing with total strangers beyond whoever I went there with. I suppose being physically forced not to piss around doing things most people do on their days off but fill my time actively albeit mainly indoors has its sense. But did it really need such extreme tiredness and worse in order to make this happen? I have no idea what’s happening at the moment, but the fact my very dark cloud still has a silver lining shows there may be more going on than meets the eye. Makes no logical sense but many things don’t.

Saturday, February 04, 2006


Arrangements are only a potential, so when the friend who was meant to come today couldn't make it I was faced with the usual aimless Saturday until I go to the gym in the evening. The first thing to do was upload every digital photo I want for printing. That is being done now, and luckily all the other little jobs I discovered need doing are the sort I like and will only have time to get a start before I go out.

So the next few weeks are the great unknown, as my TV programme is out in four weeks and the one thing on the horizon I am looking forward to. I'm only in it for a few minutes, but is my first speaking role and something I've wanted for most of my life. I'll give more details nearer the time.

Well, I've more or less discovered and presented my philosophy now, and without the freedom of the blog may never have got it out so clearly. A blog is truly like counselling as you can talk about yourself with no interruption, though I do have to censor a few things here it is just as useful to me. I have also written to my doctor hoping by laying out my case on paper he will have more time to understand it rather than the usual garbled five minute conversation, as a few people I know have expressed concern so I want everyone to know I am doing something about it. I may have to become a fatalist (ie accept what comes) as whatever may or may not be the case, if it's made clear to me whatever it is I will have to live with it. And my computer just protested as I was writing, saying I didn't have enough virtual memory. What? It's a 40gb drive for Chrissake, with the relevant RAM, so what on earth does it think it's up to? Has uploading ten little photos overloaded it, as I just dumped 300mb of obsolete program it can't be the hard disk.

I've uploaded another music video on the same youtube.com page, which took so long to upload I was up all hours last night and swore never again. And I'll do a final keyboard one by request and then call it a day. But it's very nice to be able to make the equivalent of a talent show online and become a virtual TV star.

And medically one thing I do know, sex always helps. That is another treatment I can't get from the doctor's. Has everything really gone out of control at last? Keep watching to find out.