Sunday, October 31, 2004


My main idea here is to delve behind the facade of other peoples' relationships. I was virtually the only person left behind in 1988 when nearly all my friends got married in one bunch. A few have followed, some being much younger than me, but my main question is 'Love or convenience???' This warrants the full three question marks as no one will admit to marrying out of desperation except one old girlfriend of mine who told a friend of hers and it got back to me. But my guess is that maybe about half the marriages I know of were for love, but others have to be a practical decision. A clue was years ago when I saw a friend at the infamous Brent Cross shopping centre, who said 'It's time I got married now, I'm going to ask my girlfriend'. This was over ten years ago, and guess what- he's still single! But it showed me the attitude existed where people see others pairing off and feel they have to join in now or they'll be left behind and out of it. Surely we meet people we love at random, so how comes about 80% of my friends all married in 1988 and besides the one, still are, and to the same people.

I said already the last thing friends ever discover is someone's marriage isn't doing well. The social iniquity people believe admitting they aren't happy together is so great they carry on like Charles and Diana until suddenly one day you find they've split up. Others just struggle along for ever but frequently sweeten the pill with affairs, which again not a soul ever hears about. I am honest, and can safely say I may have met two women by the age of 35 I wanted to marry, and in the 20 year gap between them genuinely wondered if I'd ever meet one since Vivienne. But rather than plan to settle for someone who was convenient and available because I also felt it was time I was married, I waited till I was 35 and met the next one who showed me it was possible. Since then I was told how to tell who was right more easily and now I know the qualities, I can see them quickly and would never doubt my judgement in following up when I do find them. But am I single because I actually waited till I was 35 before I honestly found anyone I felt like marrying? Does it mean so many people who married at 28 did so as that was the time and they squeezed whichever 'better than average' relationship they had into the marriage mould regardless of their true feelings, hoped for the best, and put on a brave front ever since?

I was present a few times where these decisions were made, and I can say one was definitely genuine as I was the one who got them together, and many years later I was thanked for doing so! The second was at a friend's party. I'll admit I don't approach women at parties, it's a blockage I have but the way round it is to ask someone to go with me and they then leave after we've all got talking (thank you Simon!). So I was sitting with friends opposite a woman about whom I said 'She looks nice, what the hell shall I do' and before I could plan, the friend whose flat we were in went and talked to her. They're still married now. I'm not sure if he knew her already, which would have given him a head start. Finally I had a female friend I met when I was going out with someone already, and that was it for me, my hands were tied as I date one at a time only. I saw her as a friend wishing I could have met her first, and when I'd finished with number one woman, number two, Vicky, had just met someone else, so I didn't get a chance to find out either way. Being a friend I always saw her more than any of her boyfriends, but after he left the scene she said she wasn't interested in me. Then we were in a pub with a group of us, and she said there was this young boy who wouldn't leave her alone. We were just leaving when this kid with woolly black hair came in and started talking to her. Half an hour later we were still waiting. She said 'That was him, he's really boring, he's just a market trader' etc etc., and they got married that year, and are still. Go figure...

I'll open the question to all as always, how many people are really married out of convenience than love? I need to know!

The egg

I just got permission from the individual referred to as 'the egg that will take a long time to hatch' to tell all three readers here the details behind the description.

Well, some time ago I came across a lovely lady on one of my internet forums who had a website and a picture that intrigued me, so I emailed to tell her. She was very pleased, but then didn't reply to my last email and that, I thought, was that. Over a year later a message arrived with an apology, which, following an earlier comment I made here, of course I accepted. (As I'd said it's not terminal whatever anyone does to me as long as they apologise, I never hold grudges unless it's something totally evil, which does happen to me very occasionally). The difficulty is she lives 3700 miles away. As far as we can tell from all the informastion you are able to get at a distance (which we've been using regularly since) we are compatible, hardly any doubt about that. But I have to wait a year to see her when she plans to visit England.

I have likened this to both a fairy tale where the King tests the suitors for the princess, and a Greek myth. Either way, the scriptwriter had decided to write a 'situation' for us, and all I can say today is if a year had passed I may well be in the position I'd like to be in now. Her name I can use is Kendall, so as she's probably going to read this in about 24 hours, hello Kendall, I hope you like what I've written about you, and there's a comment box at the bottom if you want to join in. I have 100 ideas how the next 12 months will pass, and I hope the better scenarios on the list will be closer to the reality, and it doesn't turn out to strain my sanity waiting longer than is comfortable!

Generally I hear more and more people who meet on the internet from great distances apart, of course the complete worldwide nature of it means you come across people who you like you'd never have known existed, but the practical problems (including national rules and regulations) make it incredibly complicated. But in 44 years the local women, as shown on my list, have been fairly readily available and all doomed to disaster. So it means I'm actually living in a social desert here, as previously I have gone to many other events and places over the years I virtually stopped singles parties, and met a selection of lunatics. Now one thing Kendall isn't is a lunatic! Even across the sea, I can tell none of the warning signs are there. In fact probably 90% of all the women I meet aren't lunatics, just most I actually go out with. This is mainly due to the fact that after about 25 to 30, nearly all the normal women without mental and social problems are spoken for. I almost cut myself off for a few years till I was 24 as I had my struggle with my degree as a priority, and when I was 'released' I found the supply had already reduced to a trickle compared to before, and there was a 'hard core' of the same people I'd seen ten years previously, most of whom I've been told still go week after week now.

Then I blitzed dating agencies for two years, and met bitter twisted divorcees mainly, most about ten years older than me, and some 15 to 20 miles away. After that I left things to chance, and found the majority of girlfriends through being introduced by friends and family, with varying results. I am racking my brains to think of anyone suitable since 1990 with Aviva, who is now married and still looks the same as I have seen her on occasional visits here. She didn't seem very cheerful since the marriage so who knows what's going on there. The one I wanted to marry in 1995 was only theoretical, as: 1) She had a boyfriend 2) I looked like her abusive father 3) She was religious 4) She was bossy 5) She was a lot younger than me. Oddly enough, she was also called Aviva, but looking back Aviva 1 didn't have one reason not for it to work besides she pissed off to Israel before she had a chance to get to know me (I say it that way as I was already smitten) but I think the marriage potential wasn't seen till much later. I spent a lot longer with Aviva 2 as a friend so got to know her well enough to feel the pull from the heart despite all the practical reasons that would make it impossible. The two Sarahs had the looks and personality if you joined them together, and then if you dropped the insanity the final result may have been perfect, but Doctor Frankenstein was only a mythical character, and this operation would have been too much of a challenge anyway. I will explore this general topic in the next post as it deserves one of its own. More news as it comes.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Another car

Why the hell is it that only the Japanese sell classic styled cars? The latest to hit the market was the 2000 Toyota origin, based on the Toyopet Corona from the early 60s.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Publishing plans

I just sent a selection from my blog to my first magazine of possibly (God forbid) hundreds. My next project, which has been suggested many times, is to capitalise on my disastrous past with women and write a complete history of my love life.

I will begin here with a summary of every girlfriend/potential girlfriend and how it went wrong (yes, I still have a 100% record on that one...). To make things easier, I'll / tick each one I liked, to see how those went far worse than the ordinary ones or worse.

1) Melissa/ 1st girlfriend, taught me a lot. Firstly, you have to have something to talk about 'after' as well. Secondly, don't chuck anyone nice just because they're boring (unless you've met someone else). I did that, realised what I'd done, and called her back the next day, too late. Big boo-boo.

2) Linda// (she gets an extra tick, believe me). Met on holiday, took out once, scared her off sadly.

3) Liz C. Met on holiday because her friend I liked was already with someone. Invited me to stay with her in England, on arrival found she had a boyfriend.

4) Alison. Nice enough but nothing special

5) Suzanne. First and last girlfriend I ever argued with. Turned out she was having psychiatric treatment which explained everything. Started a trend for the future…

6) Amarylla/ Bad start. First date, her party, she was with someone else. She became a good friend till she got engaged years later, but I never was her standard.

7) Vivienne/ Only mutual relationship of my life. As soon as it was about to get interesting, I brought her home late and her mother stopped her seeing me. Downhill ever since.

8) Judy D. Oh my god, this was the really boring compared to Melissa who wasn't really bad at all. One date was more than enough

9) Caron/ All I can say is I would have had far more luck with her mother, who was a darling.

10) Lorna/ The original local tart. I was one of many, from what I could tell. Couldn't keep her attention very long as a result.

11) Tracy. Her father was straight from Harry Enfield complete with vest and huge belly. One date only.

12) Cheryl. Nothing special, we probably ended up boring each other

13) Pauline/ What a picture. Nothing else, but what a view!

14) Janet K. The most loyal one of the lot. Pity she had little else going for her. I then met

15) Janet W/ Who I swapped her for. A fiery communist (still) who I embarrassed myself totally with and put her off.

16) Ann/ Actually said she did me a favour to go out with me.

17) Helene/ Too in love with herself to have any room for a man as well. And French...

18) Anita. Good relationship (for a change) though she couldn't survive with only one man at a time. Ran its course.

19) Jane/ Met while Anita was chasing someone else at a party. Top drawer aristo, but bored with me after one date.

20) Sally. Another average job, port in a storm etc. Lovely house though...

21) Lucy. See 'Judy D' above

22) Jessica. Lovely girl, but talked from the minute we left the cinema till I got her home, about all her friends I didn't know. I couldn't take any more.

23) Georgina. Very similar to Cheryl, dull as they come, she probably decided I was too highly sexed for her as by then I'd developed enough patience not to chuck anyone for just being dull.

24) Kathy/ American beauty, daughter of a diplomat. I could never reach her requirements.

25) Donna/ Canadian, non-diplomat, from a council estate on a temporary visit here. Mine was even shorter sadly.

26) Liz/ Second best of the lot (after Vivienne, as though Linda got //, Vivienne had the personality as well and it could have lasted a very long time). I learnt how to analyse relationships from her, as when we simultaneously got fed up after a while, I couldn't understand why as I thought she was perfect. But after running through everything found she had no sense of humour.

27) Jan. My major conquest, as she was nearly 5' 10'', but other than that, nothing special. She got bored first though.

28) Linda. A Not bad at all but she didn't share my enthusiasm.

29) Antonia. Probably saw me more as a rather annoying friend. Looked a bit masculine, so I survived the rejection.

30) Lisa. Half witted but hot. Sadly lived in Essex, and my degree didn't allow me enough time to keep going there so she had to go.

31) Sandra. Another zombie. One date was it.

32) Helen L. A bit of a b. Thought I was a neurotic social cripple, good luck to her.

33) Rose. Possibly from another planet. Fell in love with me, but as she wouldn't 'do anything', and was weird, had to go.

34) Clare. Was the sister of an earlier effort (no names) and as she showed more interest, I stayed with her till someone else mentioned something about marriage, and I realised the idea wasn't very inviting.

35)Laura . Was local. A good start, and little else...

36) Charmaine/ What we call in North London a 'real shikser broch'. True working class, provincial crumpet, but wasn't prepared to share it with me. Lived 70 miles away, which didn't help either.

37) Carol/ No personality, but everything else. Didn't share it with me either.

38) Jill. Convenient rather than interesting, I got a wee bit ahead of myself and put her off. No loss.

39) Caroline. She wanted a serious relationship, but there wasn't enough there for me. Good friend though.

40) Karin. The German au pair. Simple country girl with no brains and no looks. Of course something kept me going out with her for a while, at least.

41) Jane. Not my idea, believe me.

42) Beryl. Yes, she really was called Beryl! Said she was a few years older than me but looked a lot more. Nothing in common.

43) Julia. Overweight sex maniac. As soon as I met her her son moved back home and distracted her from anything else. No great loss.

44) Carole. Lived a long way away, she proposed, stayed here for a while to see what happened, realised it wasn't a going concern and decided against it.

45) Sarah// Only other one to get two ticks, but two timed me from day one until the first man won. Mad as a box of frogs.

46) Suzanne. Another slow one, bossy as hell, I had to pack her in when my sanity was running out.

47, 48 and 49. As these are too current, I can only give a summary to protect the living. 44, no, 45 was only in the country for a week, and that's it up till today. There were many more I went out with as well but didn't qualify for the main list (someone's now asking "how do you do that?"). I think the Americans call it 'first base'. There are some on that list who deserve a mention to better illustrate my dismal results.

Aviva/ I met her at a party and was bowled over. When I went to her house I noticed how bare it was. She said 'I'm going away on Wednesday' I said how long for? The house was bare as it was for sale, as they'd already bought a new one, 2000 miles away.

Anna/ Split up with her boyfriend and found we were working in the same parade, as I'd known her for years when she was still taken. Within days he claimed her back, of course, before anything 'happened'.

Christine/ My mistake. Met on holiday, but I was approached by someone I'd already had my eye on so sadly couldn't juggle the two. Ten years later turned out someone I met knew her, and gave me her number. Amazingly, she still seemed to like me. I was still pretty young and naive, and decided she lived too far to make the effort (about 40 miles away). She probably turned out to be the second best one I missed out on after Vivienne.

Pam/ Like Carol, looks in bunches, but dead as a blow-up doll. As she lived 80 miles away was doomed from the start.

Sarah2. I met her when with Sarah1, and apart from a nasal problem (possibly up for a world record) was a much nicer person and prospect. I saw her once after Sarah 1 had ran off, and made such an arse of myself she wouldn't speak to me again. I think the reaction was totally out of proportion considering I had known her for some time already.

and finally, last and not least, the major b. from page one of my blog. I believe it may have been set up in advance, as she said she liked me, which prompted me to say I liked her, then she withdrew it the next day (claiming she never said it as well) and make me look like a total wanker. I feel sorry for anyone who has to bother to go that low, or at least do it without thinking, and if there is a hell, unless she pulls her socks up, she's going there!

Some names have been changed to protect the innocent. Others may be guilty so can get stuffed.


Yes, life outside has produced another flurry of chaos. But this time, thanks to the great teacher Nick Roach who I saw just over a week ago, Ican now begin to rise above it, and observe it from a distance. Maybe (if the 'scriptwriter' theory is correct) this has been given as a test for me to demonstrate the effectiveness of Nick's teaching, and especially compared to the total impotence of previous teachers, though they did contribute to my total understanding. So, you may ask, what is the scriptwriter theory?

Well, it simply means that anyone who observes too many connections in their life for chance, the implication is someone is writing a script (for whichever reasons) whether it be ourselves, a higher force or God himself. Many theories abound, but at times like this things fit together too tidily to think they may really just be a random mix of billions of independent human beings.

OK, at the moment, life 'outside' is dull, dull, dull. And no reason why it shouldn't be, I said in earlier posts that what hasn't happened yet (however likely or good) doesn't really exist. So any egg or eggs I have are nothing more than that. And, as a great Funtrivia colleague says, you don't hatch an egg by smashing it, you have to wait for it to hatch. And that may never happen, or take bloody ages!

Monday, October 25, 2004

David's progress report

Minor and major issues balance eachother out here, firstly I walked into Debenhams and saw some perfectly good coloured resin watchstraps, and now have a blue one to match the watch that needed it (sort of...). Well now I've got that off my chest (I started the saga so I had to finish, though it was 10 times more dubious to report than my digital decoder fiasco) I can talk about less stultifying (to quote my old friend Vicky) subjects.
The egg I mentioned is still there, but may be a bit of a large one so taking a long time to hatch, but to quote the fairytale, would be a golden one if it did. More on that as time passes.

Otherwise the moment, ie 'now' has little of any mention, I'll just have to hope things can (in the short term, I still have to live) become a bit more interesting. The business side went suddenly dead following a move by one client and an illness of another, and the remainder are pretty erratic visitors, so maybe I can use the time to get some more jobs done, as I just managed last week. And thank you Mr Babla in Wembley (I rarely give name checks, but he doesn't know who the hell I am) who, though being the best watchmaker I know, told me I couldn't buy coloured resin straps in a shop. It just shows you can only rely on your own research and not the throwaway lines given by bored shopkeepers who haven't got the product you want and just want to get rid of you. Plus he charges more for the oldest watches I've ever seen, (some actually display the date as 1994!) which is another demerit (as they say over the Atlantic, but I can't think of any better word). Anyone got a job for a frustrated writer? All assignments considered.

Friday, October 22, 2004

This week

It's been a free but technically fairly dead week. When the rain finally stopped I managed to do the worst of the gardening and do a bit of shopping. Doing this highlights what a trivial lot of stuff can be done in an average week in Kingsbury. My cheap (not so...) and nasty Casio resin watchstrap went west after a couple of years, and I thought it would be a chance to get a brighter coloured one. Bad idea. I was told only Casio could do this, but the firm's own service department a mile away refused to look for a coloured strap as it didn't 'fit my watch'.
I have checked online and found at least three. Sadly these buggers are charging double the Casio official price (which is itself double the market price) so now I've got to go back to Casio and specify the one I want and hope they'll play ball.
The woman I babysat for had plenty of time to call me, so I can screw that one up and chuck it in the fire (big deal). The chicken counting proverb shows very well here as throughout my life I've had starts, but very few finishes. Sometimes I have no starts, and a finish can happen on its own with no warning, which is always nice. But I'll never celebrate (like buying a house or having a baby) till the egg is hatched. But I'm aware they exist and don't mind mentioning them if worth it.
There is a new egg, but newly laid and too sensitive for here, just to say it's a lot more exciting than contacting an old customer from Finchley who hardly knew I existed.

And just to say NTL are the cheapest company on earth, who raise their prices by around 50%, and supply no services beyond the bare minimum, in fact I have far less (like teletext and TV games) than I had 9 years ago, and that's basically how they just admitted it is. If I can get the phone rental reduced (they claim there isn't one to force us to keep TV and phone together, but I may get blood out of the stone) I hate to say it, but I'm back to BT. The call charges are ghastly, but I can use other piggy-back firms for them, and consider the extra rental a trade off for the far cheaper monthly fee for internet access than NTL. Though a year ago NTL were the cheapest in the country, as they raised the price I can virtually go anywhere for less now, and get it on broadband, which should be fun.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Where was I?...

That sort of sums up today's post, I have no direct ideas at the moment, so will just update the Kingsbury diary with whatever I can think of from last week and the dustbins of my mind.
Well, the whole week/life turns on a visit to the best spiritual teacher I've come across, who left nothing to remain unexplained for me. I believe I have nothing left to ask or wonder about enlightenment as this guy has explained it all and it makes sense. Until another blogger tells me how to overwrite URL's, I'll have to give his in boring longhand . Whatever questions I had before on the blog, he has answered them.

Otherwise, life is still going on in Kingsbury. After hearing the name of a lady I used to babysit for on the radio a few years ago I decided for an unknown reason to finally call her yesterday. She's gone ex-directory so I sent a letter. I'll add any results as they happen. It's weird here as when you write about people you know, chances are many will have a computer and read it. Anyway, back to the point. We write about our lives here, but it's in public. What the hell else are we supposed to write about? OK, many of us don't identify anyone directly, but maybe they'll recognise themselves, and so our whole soul will be revealed to them in a way impossible before, and what sort of reaction do we get? At least it could be a step to realising we're all the same really, and having seen so many clients who think they're the only person with problems, and everyone else would laugh at them if they knew may become a thing of the past if everyone shows their true feelings here. Everyone has problems sooner or later, and unless they involve a crime, there is nothing to hide as what's new in the world really?

This week I have a free diary so far after today, and a few little trivial plans including continuing the tidy up (it rained all last week so the garden was out of bounds). I have emailed Nick Roach to tell him what I said here, and though I'm happy just to have what I already do from the talk, of course a reply would also be nice. My friend from Funtrivia is meant to be here round about now, my phone was disconnected for incoming calls all last week (so hard to realise there was a problem) so she may have tried. But in fact I'm pretty happy now as what Nick taught me on Sunday has sunk in, and I believe is working. So anyone interested in the subject, he's the one to check out. The others, to one or other degree leave out loads of stuff or just confuse much of what they are saying. It's not their fault, they just don't appear to know exactly all about what they are meant to be experiencing so can't communicate what they don't fully understand. But to give credit where it's due, the bits they did teach me prepared me so I understood fully everything Nick did tell me, and may not have been able to put it in context otherwise. Either way, the point has now been got and I'm very happy to be able to say that.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


A friend led me to an interesting logical point today I thought I'd share as a step on my path to wherever the truth is. I said that though I don't believe in God it does seem that if there's a spirit world which includes God, spirit entities, ex-human beings in spirit and other dimensions of space, then the fact that many people not only report getting there but often agree to the geography and inhabitants, then it's deliberately hidden from us, and only revealed by their choice, not ours. As a result, it's impossible for anyone that's ever been there in history to prove it as it can't be transmitted from person to person, you have to be shown directly.

Well, you can see the formula, if I accept the possibility of a spirit world, I have to accept it's hidden from us by design, and that means someone had to design it. And that, of course, can only be described as what we call God as nothing else can design nature at will. Other opinions that God is an energy fall short, as unless God has a self awareness, it can only be on a par with electricity which is an inert, lifeless process that just follows laws of physics and can't think for itself. A true God would have to be a 'person' ie have at least the awareness we do (and we are supposed to be made in his image) and therefore be able to create a separate universe for us and space, within the infinite space outside where he resides. Therefore there is a barrier from our small three-dimensional realm to the unlimited place where all the visitors that come as angels, entities, aliens etc to chosen people, but it's a one-way door as we can hardly ever visit their side at will unless they give us an invitation.

The weird part is that if there is a design, certain people like myself are designed to search for what's outside our cage here, and unless God's a sadist (I do wonder at times) it would be very cruel to create a desire for something impossible. But how each person qualifies for the privilege of visiting the other side is a mystery, as most are not yogis or the like, but ordinary people who find themselves there by accident and are normally terrified. A few learn astral travel, like those using Robert Monroe's methods, but for most it's not a matter of planning and direct application of methods, but they just 'find themselves' there, and most who have been there once tend to go back from time to time. It seems, like many earthly desires, the very people who try and get there are the ones who put the most time and effort into it with the least results. Well, there's a few things to think about, I have heard some people appeal to God for a revelation (against biblical commands) and got one, but I've had nothing certain enough to be more than another level of communication. OK, here's a request in writing, please can God allow something to happen from this posting that shows me he's there- however it happens, but it must be definite so I can't explain it in any other way. And of course I'll report the result next time, though of course whatever I say won't be able to prove it to anyone else that way. If God gave some faith, he gave me the rational mind and therefore I must be respected by believers that my approach is just as much from God as theirs, and just as valid. Maybe I can form a chain reaction where everyone asks online for God to show, and with enough attempts someone may get a result? Certainly worth a try.

Friday, October 08, 2004


Well, the better news is I started the gardening today (I had to stop for other business) and I actually enjoyed it! It's a pretty big garden, unlike most on this estate, and the last owners planted loads of bushes that are impossible to keep up with. The biggest was cut down, but the trunk produces shoots that still need cutting every month, and the rest just spread everywhere given a chance.

I also started the long process of turning the junk room back into a bedroom. People insist on seeing me as a charity case and give me stuff that should have gone to a charity shop. Some could be used one day, so I keep it, and it just piles up more crap that I rarely use. So I've made a start now and will hopefully carry on till it's done, and the same with the garden.

Otherwise, it's one of those times when though there are no problems and freedom, there's also a space with little to fill it. Living alone allows all the faults in life to come into perfect focus and stand out as soon as things get a bit too quiet and display themselves. The main concern is at this relatively early stage in life this situation could remain permanent. Technically there's nothing to stop it, I'm not going to join a commune or an institution, marry a Filipino, or any other of the desperate measures middle aged men take when they find themselves in a similar position. But the alternative is just to carry on doing what I am, as having tried already to check, the alternatives are no better and usually worse. It's a permanent change I need, not a temporary distraction where I return to the identical situation once it's over.

The comment box is particularly useful here as I'd be interested to know if this is a problem faced or solved by others. I've said before I'm pretty practical, and believe me, the combined brains of the North London intelligentsia have been stumped by this one, and we believe there's no answer. Am I right?

Thursday, October 07, 2004


Following yesterday's entry, when I (in my opinion) ended up shifting from the current story about my computer to some quite interesting observations, I've run out of sites to surf so I thought I'd come back here and see what happens. As the title states, it's boring up Kingsbury way today, I've done sod all this week besides the 1 client, and though there are few jobs besides the garden that need doing, there's not much else in the fun area either.

I was saying how interesting my clients and friends from abroad are, but both are basicaly off-limits as potential friends, and surprisingly since the last exodus in 2002 I haven't met anyone new apart from the ones I mentioned worth sharing a pint with, let alone whole days on a regular basis. This is the first time in my life this has happened, though hardly unpredictably, as all but one of my friends dropped me when they had their kids (just recapping for new readers), and the one who didn't left in 2002. I got a girlfriend after he left, but she ended up in the place I cannot reach for most of that year, and I gradually realised things had gone dead. As I didn't create the friendships I had before- many were lifelong, and others from school, holiday or social events, but that was long before any were married. I have been left in the limbo of unchosen singledom in a society of relatively happy couples.

So technically, I'm excluded on both fronts, and as I didn't have any control on the previous friends, and the places to meet women up till 30 were fairly organised, I'm now in a position where logic and practicality have no place, and those are my two assets. Just for some history, once I left college at 31 (postgrad.) and had more time to look, I joined every agency going, and though I took many women out a few times, the only one that succeeded (twice, but it did) was off a premium rate phone service. Then I joined psychic groups, and saw one younger woman from Cambridge just the once, as she announced she'd just met the new love of her life at a bus stop. Over the following ten years I joined a few more psychic groups, and met one woman with a lovely nature, but the largest nose I'd ever seen on a female besides one honker at college that was barely human... When I met her I had another girlfriend, but thought she liked me. The girlfriend went, the nose remained, and gradually, after looking at the legs, body etc., finally got used enough to the nose that I asked her out, and as I fully expected, she said yes.
Unfortunately that day I'd just had a blazing argument with my tenant (the ex-girlfriend, long story) and was in no mood for a first date. I spent the whole day complaining and she never spoke to me again.
Other than that, I met a lovely looking six-footer (I'm 5'5'') sitting next to me at a Uri Geller lecture, and somehow I knew she was going to speak to me, and we spent the rest of the time going round the stalls together, and I got her email address. After the first exchange she was off.

Is there a point to all this? Just a view of what I have done that could have led to a 'result', but in fact only got me one. Since 1990, my only successes have been from one singles dance, the telephone service, a girlfriend from 1982 who rang me 10 years later to see if I was still single, someone who knew a friend, someone who was backward introduced by my friend's backward girlfriend (this was official, they were all from a home) who was so after me I couldn't say no, one from the internet, and someone I'd met about 15 years earlier who'd gone to America, been married and divorced, and I saw her on a quick visit here for a week. IE, there is no particular way to meet, and the ones that look to others as suitable are a waste of time, as I've demonstrated. As this situation is becoming a mystery to other women I know, I'm beginning to wonder what I'm up against. It was only in 1995 I met the first woman I felt I wanted to marry (and she was a bossy cow, religious, had an abusive boyfriend already etc etc) as before I was wondering if anyone would actually be good enough. But once I knew, many more came along who were just, basically, not interested. Many were, but I wasn't in them. Last mutual relationship was in 1975, so her mother stepped in and broke it up just as it was about to become fulfilled. So I have been there, know exactly what I'm missing, and there's sod all I can do about it. So I write on the computer. Now that, I can do.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

What a wally!

As you can see, the computer's returned, and I discovered (too late to stop it) that it was the dodgy mouse (amazingly donated by a certain unnamed woman mentioned here) that was up, not the computer. I only discovered this when I connected it to the laptop, and by the time I got back to the shop they'd already done a £35 virus scan on it. OK, it's now got a few upgrades, but had the repair staff worked when the shop was open, I could have explained the problem directly rather than write it down and hope for the best, so it wasn't all my fault.

Otherwise, a woman whose opinion I greatly value said she can't understand why I'm not married. So many others tell me to change or go out more that I could get the impression that unless I altered most aspects of myself it was my own fault I was in the shit partner-wise. At maybe 20 or so there's a lot of advice we can all take on that front, but at 44 I know my faults, and if anyone can accept me as I am (as many have) then what's to stop someone I actually like from accepting me as well? And since being given the advice some years ago to narrow down my requirements to the few important ones, I've found tens of women I'd marry, not because I'll take less, but because I know what I'm looking for and can see it in them. And amazingly, if she HAD a heart, the bitch from round the corner/bend would still be the best all-rounder since my neighbour when I was about 8.
Technically and emotionally she was good company, conversation/inerests, liked doing similar things, looked incredible, right age (for me, not vice versa!), and actually showed me exactly how it could be once I was with the right person, but shot through once the fantasy she probably had about me previously became reality. Having discussed with many whether these types can learn, the general conclusion is no, as until they are in a position where they realise it's them not the other people, they'll always find just enough people to leech onto without having to evolve to the butterfly that may or may not be within their capacity to become. If she loses a job, she'll blame them for victimisation, make the next lot feel sorry for her until a year or two later they realise what lies under the sheepskin (as in the bible). Same with friends. And as for men, unless she's had her batteries removed (like that's actually possible!) sooner or later those dang hormones will make her wake up with the female equivalent of 'morning wood', and she'll have to (and with people like her it really happens) go out and pick up a man. This usually happens within 24 hours, and once the genie's out of the bottle, it won't go back in, and the celibate days will be long forgotten.

Maybe I should have a little online poll, should I send her a link to this? I'd always be delighted if I heard from her again but have no idea how this could ever happen as at present it would be similar to a cancer victim putting their tumour back after an operation as far as she's concerned. And due to the fixed nature of the type this should last for life. So only drastic methods with high risks of persecution in return could ever get her back in my life, and though it's incredibly dead without her/someone similar, going back to try and beat the dragon again after escaping already has reckless written all over it. So far though, at least she's shown me what I should be looking for and what it could be like. I've had various amazing women around in the past, including a few girlfriends, and she reminded me of everything that was possible until, like a dodgy doughnut, got to the middle and found there was nothing there.


Sunday, October 03, 2004

Week's review

No events as such this week, but enough work Wednesday and Thursday to keep me off the computer, and then on Friday the whole affair went down with the mother of all virus attacks, and I'm writing this on the laptop, which I'm lucky I got as I've no idea how long the main machine will be in the repair shop.

Otherwise, I'm gradually meeting new people here, plus have found a large number of Funtrivia members here as well (I have my methods!) which hardly comes as a surprise. My appeal to Clive Bull's programme to see my blog (he did ask for calls on it first), unlike the massive response for my webcam call got me one email. Well, I'm not doing this for fame so I won't mind that much, and sooner or later I'm going to condense down some of my blog's high spots and write an article from them which I'll pass around to see if i can get it published somewhere. Anyone in the UK may have heard of the writer Will Self, whose only qualification for a literary career was going to Cambridge (though only getting a 3rd class degree as he spent most of his time on drugs, as he wrote many times in public, by the way). He was the year below me at school and lived very close by, and I did go there once or twice, and if he can get in all the best papers by writing his own brand of nonsense, then though I only went to North London Polytechnic (though I managed a lower second) why shouldn't I stand a chance?

Finally, my wish to find a girlfriend/partner/wife at the ripe age of 44 seems to have been handed over to the God I don't believe in, as all active attempts (short of speed dating) have ended in failure since early 2002. I now believe the internet is a good new gateway to meeting people (a couple I know have already met across each side of the Atlantic and are now together here and getting married) the main drawback is that very random distance between people who may well fit each other but unlike the couple I know, wouldn't be willing to travel and possibly live half way around the world to do so. The statistics were found that in every 5 mile (I think) radius is someone we can end up marrying, based on people travelling worldwide and marrying people locally wherever they ended up. So that means every 5 miles is at least one person right for us (and even more if you added the married ones!) so it's hardly surprising with so many common-interest groups online we probably meet a few potential partners who never materialise as they're too far away. I've tried a couple in America (one psychotic and one who got cold feet after a week or so) but am convinced that rather than wasting months on conventional dating sites (or years in my case) chasing people whose only qualification is they're single and within 30 miles of you, using blogs and forums where you really get to know people first is the way to go, if we could cover the distance situation. But if any of the women who post on my blog want to come to England to meet me, the red carpet's waiting to be rolled out as I write. I'm no traveller, as I posted earlier, but I know many people would be happy to live abroad for the right person. Come on, who's going to make me the first offer?!

Been there, done that

Well isn't that amazing, I was just looking at another blog and was shown a site to display all the countries we've visited. I doubt it'll work here (I can't even add links normally as I have no idea how) but I'll try it here and see.

create your own visited countries map
or check out these Google Hacks.