Opening the box

I had the urge to visit here before bedtime, as sometimes by writing things down, even if no one reads (and certainly don't comment) I work things out myself. It's been slightly downbeat since the beginning of the cyclical dental phase which has two weeks to its next event, and see it as a test to make the best of inevitable shite situations, rather than the world's against me. I'm managing but am still getting the odd kick in the gonads which is less like having the cricket box in front of them than usual, metaphorically. But I plough on as the principle is the same. From now till then there's nothing on the system either way, I could go to deepest Sussex for a road sign I remembered today when the place was mentioned and would keep me busy for a day, and that's about it.

The difference between me and a friend of mine is she has an inbuilt certainty about angels while it's all new to me and can never accept a thing unless I've experienced some indication it exists. I do know (as do many around me) life is not random, as synchronicity has now become the norm, which is impossible without a guiding force. angels however are our servants, so if we request they must respond. I have begun to request, and apart from the teeth (miracles beat science so clearly within their official scope) although nothing wonderful has happened everything has gone reasonably smoothly compared to normal. No more mind you. Angels can (in theory) move mountains, all miracles are equal to them as a miracle itself is supposedly impossible, so gifting a penny or a million pounds from nowhere is no different to them. I'll know when it happens, as things are generally blocked, whatever I try shifts things a little but no finishes. No specific women etc as affects free will, but a general one with no target name would do. And the new (or old) meditation hasn't appeared to do anything either, whatever the advertised (and paid for) benefits.

Of course I'm always learning new things, as we all do, but is probably far more I don't know which stops me from finishing any of these jobs myself without the angels or anyone else helping. Other than that the moment my new phone crashed on Monday when testing it has been tracked down to a single screen and as a result have to travel in the freezing weather to return it, now the local shop is gone. They won't have this colour in stock, and probably no other I want, so will be without one for a couple of days at least. I don't see any lesson or benefit in having my free day this week being sidetracked to waste time hanging about while someone pokes my phone and fills in pages of forms for a return. The angels can't stop me getting a piece of shit instead of a working item? As I don't have faith, I see the holes which eat away the theories of those who do, and unlike free will blockages they could fix the phone and save me the trouble. A minor irritation but whatever I would have done yesterday will be interrupted at best.

If there's a message out there I'm missing this is the way to get it. I can't see beyond the horizon any better than anyone else, so if the cliff is round the next corner I'm heading to I can't avoid it. My memory contains elements of life I'd like again, although the form would be different the nature would not. You can't beat living in a family, and if anything stretches our sanity to a breaking point living alone will do it. Any kinks will grow to the point of visibility as it's an unnatural and unnecessary position. I reckon even the millions of people who say they like living alone have just lived with such pains they think being alone is better. But if they got someone decent they'd nearly all prefer it. And who likes to admit they're a failure, so better to say they want to live alone and enjoy it than they've fucked up (although it's never anyone's fault as we have no control over the people we meet). But they feel it's a failure so pretend it's what they wanted all along, while they secretly spend five hours a night internet on dating sites. Well so far nothing new has come to me writing this except recycling the old concepts from day one, but as it's my life I can't have anything outside. The interest should be seeing how each blog life changes and develops over time, and how each thread comes and goes and changes as it goes along. Or not as the case may be. I don't make the rules.