Powerless?

Habitually returning to my place of unloading, although what I can unload is far from original. Facebook has mopped up more time finding more people from my past, helpful till I meet some in the present but so far none near enough to actually see again. Nothing has actually happened, and sometimes I wonder if it will. OK my 4th TV showing is essential to complete its series although no one here can even watch it. But I'll see it on DVD and know it's probably had more viewers than any other although none can bump into me unless they're 'vacationing' round Brent Cross or Finchley Road which is hardly likely.

The following week is little different from every other in the diary, and as little ever happens outside the diary projection (does it for anyone?) I see a few photos in Hampstead and maybe related areas, and if I get really bored may buy a new video camera to keep me doing something outdoors. Now it's dark most of the day it would be write my next article followed by more paintings no one will ever buy. They look nice but produce nothing for me.
One little development is people are starting to ask me spiritual questions. To be honest my own development is limited to the sort of clairvoyance anyone can learn in 5 minutes and just keep on repeating. And knowing you can see auras. Hardly a requirement for a visiting teacher in an ashram is it? But I was born with intuition and however little use this knowledge is for me it helps others so it's a start. Like sitting in a pile of shit and telling other people how to escape from their own while having no way to leave yours. It happens and is no joke. Not if you're in it.

Can anyone ever see something good clairvoyantly? I have seen bad things in advance so I suppose why not good? It's about bloody time I can tell you. I have a haircut booked for Tuesday, path cleaning Wednesday and who knows what gems beyond? And that's the good stuff. My imagination doesn't stretch beyond that and although I appear to have come across my guardian angel in a dream she hasn't done a lot since I woke up. All this cack about needing to work, struggle and suffer to gain anything isn't true, and even if it was I haven't got anything the easy way. My degree took 5 years, I had to go to lectures for 15 months to qualify for my meditation course and really all I got was some money to buy some of my house, mainly as by the time it was offered the prices had gone up so much more was needed. Long story but that was the outcome. Otherwise I've done it all the hard way, with a little financial subsidy which is not rare for those of a certain social group. But I seem to have been through much more than most, and the only reasons I didn't have jobs is no one would give me any when I didn't. And all I discovered there was you can suffer nearly as much stress without a job as with one. The world has many angles the shit can aim from and work is just the biggest. Hospital visits (to others), possible financial ruin, neighbours, poor health, incontinent pets and their uninvited visitors, accusations, vanishing friends, other disappointments and Ken Livingstone.

No surprise really the balance seems slightly tilted to the negative, each person or event that offers a potential return ends short or never arrives at all. I've spelled this list out before but has coloured my view as a result. It can change in a second and I remember when it was quite different, but no way I can do it by will.

Mental...

They're talking about Boris Johnson on the radio. Di man is bombaclaat. Im nuttin but pussy maan. I suppose if I'm going to call names I may as well make them more colourful than prat, wanker and shithead, but this total twat is standing against Ken Livingstone but wants to keep the congestion charge! What is the fucking point of opposing a total arse like Ken and parrot his only bleeding policy?

OK, I've got that out of the way, there's little else to say. The dry and sometimes sunny weather has had me out with the camera all over the place, for the two days I wasn't working, and I'm reading this on IE7, my second try as the last couldn't cope with the old computer. All the print is darker (quite useful since my close vision became a little more distant) although I may need to ditch the Yahoo toolbar as it does all that jazz itself now. Otherwise my spiritual journey has got nowhere, although the nightly hypnosis has been making me sleep well so far. Interestingly although I write in little notebooks as well as here (including pictures) I have run out of material for them but not for here. My only inspiration for blogging is the ability to type and the rest just happens, as you'd expect from the quality. I think I never swore in my life in writing till catching the rude bug here, although I suppose if I'd call Ken Livingstone something I'd wipe off the inside of my toilet in person I can in writing, although I draw the line at certain words. I was brought up properly you know.

My list of plans is crawling ahead although the doctor decided not to add my tranquilisers to this prescription. I wonder why he didn't warn me first when I spoke to him although I may survive without them again. If I could introduce something else orally besides tablets more often it would have a similar therapeutic effect. and at 3.30PM today Paul Ross called Alison Bell (on LBC radio) 'The Grinch with a vagina'. Unscripted methinks, she nearly shat herself and he was very embarrassed after 'you said the V word!?'. I was pissing myself. She professionally carried on and said how entertaining he was, while thinking how to resign without losing too much money...

Otherwise the daily and weekly routines are dragging on unabated, no relief from anticlimaxes and non events, I emailed a heap of people, known to me and celebrities last week and just one replied, who was one of the celebrities. What a record. People I knew ages ago, two more celebrities, and a few on Facebook. Not a bloody squeak. I reply to every email I get, assuming I know them and usually if they are for me and not a million other people. Now if I live for long enough firstly my old friend who went abroad will return (although miles from here), and I may meet someone else to hang out with. One celebrity is local and seems like good company, but nothing there assuming he doesn't have a thousand emails before he gets to mine. I just sent another to someone who is both a celebrity and an old friend, I was already in touch with him but just found him on Facebook which is quite useful except women don't use their maiden names (how many men want to meet women they knew who are married?).
That's one way women have the advantage over us, we are who we always were and can be found easily, they change theirs (apart from maybe two I knew who remain single) and although may divorce are impossible to find outside Friends Reunited. One there is still interested in me but not available.

One thing I am not going insane whatever some people suggest. I have one single fault up there, anxiety. No one ever got put away for anxiety, although many put themselves away by hiding at home most of the time. That isn't madness, just a weakness. Given a choice I'd rather keep my intellect and suffer than lose it and be free to travel anywhere like I used to as I'd be far less productive and achieve little. At home all my talents can be used and although I can't demonstrate them in so many places any more that may happen again. I'm wondering if the last two people I didn't hear back from did it because of that but if anyone's that judgemental they really aren't worth the effort. I avoid people if they're boring. Any other fault doesn't bother me unless it puts me or my property in danger. But it scares so many people they assume you're weird and maybe they'll catch it. I wish everyone like that did for a day just so they know it's totally outside our control and as real as any other symptom. I see it change and come and go and is really unrelated to anything I do, it's just an internal problem that is now becoming seen as actual brain abnormalities. That makes perfect sense as any organ that's malformed isn't going to work properly and the brain can produce mental as well as physical symptoms, and mine does both as it can't control my heart rate any more, my tablets need to limit that when required.

Well, the walk I was going to have is on the cards 2 hours late and I won't go very far. Busy working the next couple of days so spending these hours of freedom while I can. And guess what, I'm not getting paid for any of it either. That's how it works...

Fatalism

I wonder what a prisoner would write about in a blog? Not much happening there, especially if in solitary. Well when all I do is leave the house for an hour to take a few pictures somewhere I've taken them 5 times before as that is all there is to do means there isn't much to report. I haven't even got in touch with the only woman standing (with some good reason) and there has been no news of any sort with only the arrival of a couple of music DVDs to break the monotony. I've heard nothing yet about the next TV (online) appearance, officially 2 months left of autumn so no rush for them to remove their fingers from deep within their media rectums. The 4th showing isn't for ages and I'll only be able to see it on DVD once they send it.

It has got simply boring, everything that shows promise ends in anticlimax, and if I'm given messages in dreams that all is well why does nothing in my life happen to reflect that? I am using youtube now for hypnosis, meditation and psychic development lessons, can I do any more? Can I bollocks. I think I managed half a job on my growing list last week, ahead may be one or two this week but none are that urgent anyway. And of course I don't expect more as so far there has been no more. Of course every good thing in life doesn't have to be earned. The best things are often there when you are born or soon after, or just arrive on their own. All you earn is money and that's only one area of success, more of a need than a want. Two people I thought knew better just blew me out as well, and for what it's worth I just found the site of someone from Big Brother who I just emailed so who knows.

I also learnt we can't dig ourselves out of these situations directly, and probably not at all, as much as we can't change the weather. Invite 100 people out and they can all say no, and I know you only need one good one anyway. Look at sport, England dumped out of Europe (again), the rugby (as expected) and Lewis Hamilton's car packs up to let Mr Nobody win the world title. Now Ronny O'Sullivan is about to lose a final to a Chinaman (not that anyone else besides Jimmy White would be any better). Out of our control, we have a minor part in our lives, we have the power to say yes and no, where we go and some of the things we do, but nothing lasting or very useful outside exams. They have a structure not found elsewhere so although there isn't the finality of a failure there isn't the organisation of planning the process. Try saying 'I'm going to get a girlfriend' 'I'm going to be famous' or better still 'I'm going to be happy'. No way. They happen when they want to, not when you do. That is life and so far no one can tell me any different.

The present of blogging

I am a bit disappointed so far, I've read many new blogs through the links and found only a couple the least bit similar to my own. Besides everyone on Funtrivia, which seems to be the only place I know with similar people to me, I seem to be one of a small bunch. And despite having many similar interests I click on a blog supposedly belonging to someone spiritual to hear about chatspeak connections with men, fashion, religious nuts, babies (feh! keep baby stories to your personal friends, for god's sake!) and all the crap I stay away from by not looking at most blogs. But apparently even therapists, hippies and other people who should know better prefer to think about the same dross as 90% of the rest of the world that owns a computer (I think the rest are just struggling to survive in the third world) despite their apparent higher interests.

The therapists and others who just use their blogs to advertise are sad. People read blogs for information about you, not to buy a service. Besides the numerous product and music reviews which are just written by enthusiasts, you can get so many free sites why then use a blog just to sell yourself? And does it work? I doubt it somehow. I may become repetitive and boring as I just reflect those aspects of life and most of mine has been for some time. But it changes and I hope I present it in better ways than the ones who all sound like 13 year olds whatever age they actually get to.

Even some of the old linked blogs had people changing from general life to one subject which however interesting it may be only appeals to a few readers and really would be better either to mix it up or start a second blog for it as many have done. I can criticise as I have to read them and have really gone off many for those reasons. I used to read more than I wrote and now I barely do as the few decent bloggers seem to use themselves up very quickly and stop. I mean you either like blogging or not, how long does it take from your life? I'd rather here about people's trips to work, who they saw and what they think of Shirley Williams (old Alexei Sayle reference there) than see them give up or switch to single topics. I used to be far more to the supernatural and philosophy, but believe there is little left on philosophy and only report the supernatural when I learn any new. People say I've learned a lot and believe I have, and am even teaching a few as a result, so despite suffering in order to learn most of it (if you are left in a prison cell you may become very insightful, but what a price to pay) at least the growth was not just in my imagination.

I am hoping for changes in my own life in the future. Usually when things can go either way the most important go against me, and when anything appears to have potential it is an anticlimax. For a change I'd like even one new development to develop rather than pretend to exist only to vanish again. If you've read enough here you'll know some of the starts that were made that never made it past chapter one. Other people appear to have their fair share of success so I don't believe I'm exaggerating the chances compared to my results, but I seem to have done a lot worse than most if you add up what I have beyond the fulfillment of needs. And besides most people working a damn sight harder than I do to fulfil them, outside the third world there is nothing unusual about managing that. Wanting more is not a crime or unreasonable. But all this appears out of my hands.

Satsang

If you don't know what it means just read along and it may start to make sense. I have been watching a lot on youtube since thinking of looking for it, and it has had two effects. One has been for me to eliminate the vast majority of it for being unnecessarily complicated, including my old teacher Tony Parsons. The second is to move me to the path of my own experience and knowledge that true development is physical/spiritual, and independent of mental knowledge. It is based purely on raising the kundalini force, and as such is almost impossible to do without practises. Meditations and exercises are the way as well as shaktipat, being awakened by one able to do so.

Even then and with the best methods few respond. Take a tab of LSD and I am told some get there directly, but also likely to suffer a form of neural brain damage which really isn't worth the tradeoff. So removing drugs there is a list of practises, most now public, which almost remove the need for conventional lectures as once you understand what you're doing and why there's little need to keep listening to the master. They only seem to repeat the same cliches anyway and can't practise for you. They may be enlightened but besides the possible single shaktipat transfer can do little more besides alter your exercises and explain your symptoms. The whole thing is based on trust until it happens to you, and having found an online teacher who basically responded to my comments by offering help, she said I have experienced pranic surges, which are the first stage of awakening. They feel bloody good and are clearly very unlikely without meditation first, but do not create any powers or long term changes. In fact the only gate that has opened is to more of the same, being able to create such surges at will which I can only compare with masturbation if there is no physical benefit.

I have received shaktipat from a Qigong master, like many now from a distance but believe me it made no difference. It peaked for a few hours, from the second she started, and was residual for some days after. But again it was only a nice feeling and didn't change me noticeably.

Now the satsang element here is I don't believe much is needed. Those who want to develop will look for teachers and the rest won't care or listen. If enlightened masters or anyone else finds ways that work then they can allow anyone to teach them as they are purely mechanical, and their only role is that of inspiration to say what is possible for the students (if they're lucky). Meditation is the best example of surrender to the universe that I know. We all do the same thing and using a standard statistical graph get varying results on a bell shaped curve. Even if those at the rough end try other methods it's unlikely it'll make any difference as some people are tougher to change full stop. If some teachers arrive who can help them then they'll become the real satgurus, the gurus of the gurus who can do more than offer ancient practises to people and let nature take over the results. I probably have this role with my clients, as many are kicked out or leave a number of other therapists until they find me who has the patience to put up with their weirdness as I expect others to with mine. Being a hippy and eccentric the bog standard working people, especially the business people, rarely get on with me, maybe they can tell how boring I find them and their way of life. They are rich, busy and unhappy. Where did it get them?

The intellectuals are the opposite as they worry themselves unhappy and I undo the worries for them. The others are just spoiled children who want a posh guy in a suit to reassure them regardless what they do. The only thing stopping me from looking like an extra from Jesus Christ Superstar is my grandma, whose 'hair alarm' is as loud and persistent as any car alarm once my hair touches my collar. It's just not worth the aggro. But inside that's who I am and once I start talking about Buddha the clients either join in or walk away. But half my teaching is based on Buddha's as it works. I use other teachings as well where they fit in, Freud, Jung and especially the inner child, but when it comes to life in general many problems are calmed by Buddhism before any modern therapist.

Anyway, I believe I have more tools than most for my own spiritual development, have had nothing besides these 'pranic surges' and highs from meditation once in a blue moon, and after 10 years of practise feel a little cheated. I have no more learning left besides maybe some inspiration, and however much work I may put in I feel no different. This can change at any time but using an equation the energy I put in would be expected to be demonstrated at some level or maybe there's a hole in the vessel.

Am I complaining too much?

Glad to see many more visitors now we are all linked up again, and an encouragement to keep going.
My current state of being is returning to peace for a short time (after very little for a long time) only for something small medium or large to interfere with it, testing it's strength. Some are real, some fear based, but all genuine challenges to my wellbeing until they pass. I'm not as bad as the true obsessives I know who make every small possibility the end of their lives, but without the support of any other person every stone in the shoe of life is a lot more painful. Technically I am fairly free so far, tomorrow has a few plans and more I can do throughout the week if I bother, and may also buy a DVD camera so my youtube videos can look professional as I said before Argos couldn't cope with people looking at their site. Only Hotmail ever did that before but I still haven't checked the prices and specs yet after that glitch.

My female situation has moved on as well, I face putting up with one of the least inspiring individuals on earth for two reasons, no others left and she looks good. The menu is limited and starvation is not an option. Strangely I got the first social call on Friends Reunited ever in 6 years ( the only other was a funeral invitation) but this was from some mad Greek woman who I didn't even know! Go figure. I'll be interested to know what the reason for calling me was as not being a paid member all she could do was ask me to call her. I can't see it leading to anything somehow.
I also have a list of spiritual and psychic techniques I picked up recently and so far none have had any effect. I have a few which have small effects but could do with more as a result. You can't get to the moon on a bike. Having looked around there are probably few if any better, and the others which claim to work are so complicated and demanding they are like every other method I had to use for business advancement, and don't feel like doing the same for pleasure. There are only two possibilities, either these things work or not. Having seen a few which do it implies many more will, and if they don't for me doesn't automatically mean any or all will not. I just keep trying.

Each week I wonder if I'll ever get more than just the normal and expected. It's a start to have no problems each week, but imagine eating rice every day, you'd survive but wouldn't really enjoy eating. We are designed to need more than survival with little bad or good. Having had a reasonable family life long in the past know that is the foundation most people need, and with none of it at home means without any extras life gets pretty dead. Extras are so rare they may average once a year or less. And from them most last a short time and have no lasting effect. A few are set up in advance, like my next 2 TV appearances. One has a date but I can't see it, the other has nothing but a provisional screening time, and not on TV at all. It'll be nice when they come along but otherwise each week is a repeat of a routine designed to make the best of the toys I've been given. I did notice I should do some things differently just to break the boredom and I am, which is an improvement. It doesn't make up for a lack of good news but can break the monotony when done well.
Post strike allowing one or both of my DVDs will soon arrive so I can watch Rainbow for the first time in about 30 years and Peter Paul and Mary, whose music is nothing special, but message and setting is. Having the 60s to anchor me in my existence is not an ideal method as it doesn't actually exist any more, but the best I currently have. Most people look to the past when their friends have all died off at about 80, I am at it already. Why does life keep letting me down?

Mental problems

My mind works in some pretty dubious ways. Thinking of what I was going to write about I realised it was probably more interesting to mention various descriptions of masturbation than repeating the same old actions and reactions I seem to have been doing since I was about 25. Twanging the wire, flogging the mutton, pulling the pud, jerkin the gherkin, wristjob, hand shandy, self abuse, mrs palm and her five daughters, shaking hands with the unemployed etc etc.
Now I've got that lot out of the way I suppose I can carry on with the mental masturbation. Would anyone really accept it was possible to receive messages from other life forms? I know I can from humans but more than that remains hidden very well. But the fact one contactee told me what happened to another, who then repeated an almost identical scene on his second visit does make me wonder, and the fact I am one of the closest to these guys without actually seeing one myself makes me wish they'd get on and reveal themselves properly, to me at least.

Due to work cancellations I traded money for time last week and spent it all in Golders Green filming different parts of it. I decided even though I took every local road on VHS I may as well get a cheap digital video and make some decent films online as no one else has of London. It may even get me a proper commission. This is something I've done for 7 years so have all the tools to do a proper job. Now I need to see how long they'll let me post from an unlimited source of good quality files. I also saw some more spiritual and supernatural lessons on youtube, none yet have done a bleeding thing but if I learn enough I only really need one that works. I also (not in the mafia sense) eliminated another woman last week. As a result I asked out the next in line, no fucking reply. I am now left with choice 3 who has one asset. The best one but no others, literally. My normal standard in that sense but attractive. I will see, fate decided who yet again and I am too desperate to pick and choose between inadequate and absolutely fuck all.

Thank everyone for all the recent comments, I have been pretty busy reading other blogs, of course they vary greatly but a few have been worth the visits and have thousands more to try. It also shows despite seeming similar and ordinary what total cack some people think of when it comes to sharing their incredibly boring or weird interests. Besides the ones that are only advertising, we have the single interest type, nearly all nerd related, my IT heaven (not), MP3 players anonymous and which vibrator today? No thanks on all. Then the adult juveniles using chatspeak, drugs and talking about music you are likely to hear in the local pub only. Ben (sorry in advance) still seems to do anything rather than relax and has been to more venues in 25 years than most small towns do in their whole life. For goodness sake, and all of ours, get a damn girlfriend already! Like he ever reads this... Sleeping like a blog link will explain all. And why do people I know not only stop blogging but delete them as well? If I paint or write something it's up to others to judge, once I've released it it stays beyond the end of my life. Kepp your stuff, who knows who may find it later.
There are, thank goodness, some interesting and intelligent people around but few in my area now. And most suffer from mental illness as well. It's like once you can see the world clearly you can't handle it. Now if I lived in the sticks or on an island I'd be fine as no crowds. But put an agoraphobic in London and you may as well put a dirt phobic in India (sorry any Indians, you know I'm right though). No political correctness here as you know. But as I am stuck here I share my abilities with others however I can and my disabilities limit the ways. Everyone's the same but only mentally ill where one becomes almost impossible to do. It changes on its own and if it improves very good, but it's not up to us to fix it, as another blogger has pointed out. One decent woman who understands and I'll not really give a damn. No one else to impress than that so maybe I'll find a candidate round here. Given a choice between a normal bore and a phobic genius some women must prefer the conversation side?

Why does anyone bother?

Boredom is a killer really. Living alone lends itself perfectly. No TV, too early to go to bed and nothing left on the internet. And when the highlights of the week include taking photos of the North Circular at Brent Cross life has really reached the bottom of the barrel. No, there's nothing better to do that I've missed. Friends are thin on the ground, work is the same, and the only places I've gone to are ones where I can take photos. So many times besides my new 48 second pixilated video project the still photos are starting to repeat themselves. And although I can walk through Golders Green it's not the same as I don't really know anyone there any more. NW11 was one of the most fertile areas of social life till this decade when one by one everyone I knew left.

So like the Twilight Zone where you are in the same place but with different people, I pass through Golders Green now like the spirit of a dead person visiting their old haunts on Earth while no one can see them. It looks the same but nothing is happening and you can't interact. Even the two pubs I occasionally went to there are gone, one (a bit rough admittedly) now a clothes shop, and the other (started charging to park there) knocked down 5 years ago. That was actually so decent you could easily spend an evening there and was the only pub I knew besides the awful Spaniards with mainly Jewish customers. They had the civilised ones while the Spaniards the rude ones with money. There was also another in between type opposite in Hendon which is now flats as well.

So my social life and ability to find anywhere to go with it has been reduced to the garden centre over a mile away as unless you walk through the park no road goes there and the entrance instead of being round the corner is on said road over a mile away despite backing on to my estate opposite here. I'm bored with them anyway now. A garden centre, however good the coffee, cannot replace a huge pub with fruit machines and old friends in Golders Green. OK, said people are approaching 50 now and paying for their kids to go to university, while I try and turn the clock back to when I was actually a part of their lives as well. I can't see a solution direct or otherwise. Others suggest returning to places I used up in my teens, organisations which allow you to learn skills a few hours a week and meet women who spend every possible moment talking about their children and grandchildren. None are single at these places as they are never designed for them. Colleges are no better except you meet young marrieds and drug addicts who are equally hopeless if you want to meet new friends or get off with someone. I met all my friends at school, on holiday and through my parents. I did meet a few at discos after some years of seeing the same people but that was 30 years ago.

No solution, freedom is wonderful when you can use it, when you use it to tell people on the internet how useless it has become you are ready to give up all hope. For a while I looked for advice but it's pure chance how life turns in these situations. It only takes one person to change it all, as when one left my life turned into nothing, I then met a woman who kept me busy a couple more months and that was that. From then on it was doing my own thing, making films of the places I now take still photos of, staying in during winter painting so I can put them on the wall, writing articles, watching TV and that's the lot. If this guy in America really can show people how to bend metal then the world will no longer be as I think it is, and may become an interesting place again. Until then I blog.