Friday, August 09, 2013

Happy Ed Miliband!

Reporting from my new location in Bongo Bongo Land, as I have discovered the London Borough of Brent has now been called, I'm sure I heard people on Kingsbury High Road saying to each other 'Happy Ed Miliband' or something like it. Now Ed Miliband would make an ideal candidate as the new leader of Bongo Bongo Land, having pages of relevant qualifications, such as a BA in banana studies, MA in totalitarian politics, and a PhD (failed).

His qualities of leadership alone, capable of taking a -3% lead and turning it into the required +50.01% is nothing short of miraculous, speeded by the winds of rampant climate change and fanned by the flames of burning wind turbines, plus the money spent to build them. His grasp of public relations alone is something to behold, his ability to peak just at the moment of vote calculation, like he had been holding his breath, to let go and return to around a healthy +/-3% afterwards when it doesn't really matter. Rumours point to fact finding missions in darkest Africa, Nigeria, Zimbabwe and Sudan, rubbing shoulders with some of the greatest names on the charge sheets of crimes against humanity, and learning all he could to bring back such ideas to be modernised and applied to what was once called Great Britain.

But Ed only represents an experiment in outlandish politics. The test actually being how much will the public take, and he reached a previously uncharted level, failed by greats as Neil Kinnock, Michael Foot, and the equally left wing (don't let anyone tell you otherwise) William Hague, who were all treated as laughing stocks and fired accordingly. But Miliband is different. He has convinced at least three people since becoming leader of the Labour Party he would make a good prime minister, while the reaction of his brother David was to leave the country. He would know a lot more than anyone else so would strongly advise anyone to follow his lead than anyone less well informed. But the establishment of Bongo Bongo Land in August 2013 has been a crucial moment in both the career of Ed Miliband and left wing politics in general. As I write, the combined armies of the People's Democratic Autocracy of Odinga-Odinga and East Banana (the country was split in 1971) are in talks over whether to support the new state of Bongo Bongo Land or write a petition requesting a return to its previous name of Brent. stating the name 'Bongo Bongo' to be based on an obscure poem by Kipling casting aspersions on Cuban cigar manufacturers alleged to be skimping on tobacco in order to save enough to roll a tenth one each time to keep for themselves. These were then either kept for personal use, or used as a form of currency in exchange for the local drums, bongos, which were collected and sold at weekends on market stalls as a form of early money laundering. As a result, the term 'Bongo Bongo' could be inferred as insulting, although as at least one person has pointed out it may have been referring to the almost extinct gazelle of the same name.

Plans are said to be afoot regardless of the results of any talks or following elections for the total independence of Bongo Bongo Land, as an example to the world of modern 21st century values, led by Ed Miliband in perpetuity, setting an electoral term of every 80 years to ensure the semblance of democracy but total impossibility to actually apply it, something planned to extend to the remainder of the planet (should he manage to save it as he claims) if successful in its first trial. It would become a statutory example of equality and multiculturalism, and presently in negotiations with the BBC who if successful would be moving their entire headquarters to the now vacant Brent library. There would be no official language, but shared between English, Welsh, French Canadian and Palestinian, with subtitles in Urdu. Baroness Tonge is already recruiting the Bongo Bongo army among the hordes of Occupy warriors now trained but unable to find new employment, and has approached Anjem Chaudry for the new post of foreign minister. Rumours are buzzing around that William Hague is also considering crossing the floor, as a long term supporter of radical totalitarianism (although in a closet sense) feels after forty-three years in politics batting for the other side may finally be able to come out as a full-blown totalitarian. And possibly gay. Overall the new possibilities created by the formation of Bongo Bongo Land in what was previously part of England is a revolutionary move which could only have happened in the 21st century, after decades of planning behind the scenes by such greats as Shirley Williams, Will Self, Peter Mandelson, George Soros, Piers Morgan and most of all Tony Blair in imperceptibly removing every single element of Britishness until the land was clear to allow in both the entire might of the EU and create the new Utopia of Bongo Bongo Land in Britain's red and pleasant land.

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