Friday, May 22, 2009

Current ambitions

Bugger me, I just looked back at the last entry and can confirm without checking it's the longest I've written (916 entries I think). No apologies as anyone can stop or come back to it if they want to, and find short entries far more irritating to read. 'I took the bus today and it was ten minutes late'. Yes, so? I've had books and essays rejected for being too short, publishers have minimum pages but not maximum so I think I've proved my point.

Things are OK at the moment, not wonderful but not bad. They have been a lot better, not for long and mainly interrupted first by annual exams (at least) and my mother leaving home, but far far better than now a lot of the time. I've picked up some tricks of course over the years like meditation but I'm little different generally besides older, wiser and more aware of all the hazards in life. The council and media replies are over apparently, and got a big fat zero, but I tried. Oh, one possible magazine for next year so just alive there. I have no plans left and only my new reading glasses and whether UKIP (our anti Europe and global warming party) do well in the forthcoming Euro elections. Of course they should have been limited to the music competition but we voted in and are stuck in the biggest nest of vipers since the last Roman Empire. As David Icke says, be aware of the evil and ignore it. No other way.

No actual plans, I Streetview all London's roads now with fewer and fewer old signs left to discover and nearly all the same ones each time, and covering the places outside as I did before on the roads as I did today. I got the no through road signs 8 and 9 along with a row of old 40 mph which of course are identical to every other. Very diminishing returns. I need one big break now to live again. Any one from:

A decent woman, a national newspaper article or TV appearance, a published book, a psychic power (beyond those I have), a step towards enlightenment and a council actually put in an old sign for me. All possible but not easy.

Getting a woman is easy for 99% of everyone I know so very mystified there, besides being the height of a 14 year old and now the hair of a baby (many start balding and end the same way), I'm pretty OK generally. I have reasonable manners, not at all bossy, spend money on women, and of course have two lines of letters after my name on A4 paper. But women are interested in men for their reasons, not mine. I do know if I make a toilet joke and they laugh the next stop is bed, but I haven't done that for ages. And I've had lots of women, but never the right ones for long enough to matter. There's one I caught up with from school who either posts old photos or is frozen in time, but appears to have all I need including possible availability. But as she's been in America for half her life since school then she may as well be married/dead/gay. One is gay and in Australia (as she was gay), and the rest are married or living so far away they may as well be. But they dumped me once and I won't find it from my past although many have.

The others are mainly career steps, logarithmic as each one is ten times less likely than the last. I'm really at the top level now as once you've got there you can't do better, only more which is easier as you've done it already. I've had three interviews already at that level so only need one to stick. 49 years of preparation so not exactly sudden. The psychic stuff is following my development, again the next levels are probably 100 times higher than existing but know many are possible if not all. I'm working on them as well.

I will otherwise just carry on alone and filling time till I die, which misses out the family life most people have and can see myself ending up like Barry George (the one who didn't kill Jill Dando) who is the same age and apparent social status of me. Besides having an IQ almost 100 points higher than him our lives are very similar. Loners living a fantasy world and being isolated from mainstream society despite living in London. No community to keep us busy like in small town life. And the only reason I haven't retried for Mensa now they've changed their rules is I'm scared I can't manage it any more. My mind flowed freely at 11 and has far more in the way and less energy than then. You can't overscore an IQ test but can easily mess one up which is why they allow retakes. My dry runs so far have mainly gone 5-10 points too low, with one just above the line. All done under test conditions from proper test papers so pretty marginal. One fucking letter was all there was between me and a social life and a little badge but no. I didn't know Mensa existed at 11 and had little use for a high IQ score as then exam results were all that counted. The psychologist told us the result, spoke to my mother and we left. She sent something to my headmaster who then wrote to my mother but on no paper we could find did anyone write the result. Someone else who worked there said she didn't remember them giving written results which is like passing your driving test without a certificate. It's like being in bloody Italy...

Anyway, those are my current ambitions, with few if any plans to get them done besides meditation as usual. That covers them all ultimately as gets you everything (also in the bible as the kingdom of God), but as that is the hardest task of all I can only point myself in the direction of the others and see if I get there. And before I'm 70 if possible while I can use it.

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