Saturday, January 08, 2005

Read and learn (relationships)

Having to witness the possible breakup of a friend's (diabolical) relationship, I was reminded to talk about my own knowledge of this area, to help anyone who hasn't learnt how to handle this situation we nearly all encounter fairly regularly.

Basically, it comes down to one point. People can't really hurt you in a breakup long term. Simple as that, but I shall of course explain. In my distant past I was madly in love with two gorgeous girls both 2 years older and about 6 inches taller than me. Of course they didn't give a damn about me and I was totally cut up and didn't know what to do. I realised pretty quickly I couldn't survive very long in this state after a rejection as I could see it was going to happen over and over again, so I had to develop a coping strategy for it. This was my personal one, but since then (over 30 years) I have literally been treated as badly as possible by women I did and didn't love, and my strategy works. Perfectly. No damage, we are not attached (as Buddha says) or dependent (as counselling says) on another person for our survival. No bloody way Jose, don't let anyone con you into believing it, it's honestly total bollocks. Whatever takes place prior to marriage can be applied to my rule, and only because I haven't been married can I not test it on a divorce situation or similar.

Basically, my personal rule you can all learn is the '24 hour rule'. After a breakup or rejection, we feel like shit. That's a given. But how long should the loss of another person (who we didn't even know existed before we met them) ruin our lives for after they're gone? A month? A year? Why? You feel the same continually if you let the idea take hold you actually needed this person. You have no idea how long it will last and have no means of removing it if you believe this to be true. I didn't, as I couldn't bear it for more than 24 hours, didn't analyse it or think about it for too long as it was a simple insight and a matter of my own immediate survival. And it worked. So I won't try and explain why, how, or whether God or Allah inspired me as I neither know or care, like how my TV works. It just worked, and has ever since.

Anyone who has seen an earlier post will see around 40 ex-girlfriends, who more or less evenly decided both ways who would break up. I was in love with a few, but though the pain may have been far stronger when things went wrong the rule still worked. This leads to the bigger point. I have been (mentally, not physically- I believe any physical violence in a relationship is terminal, but that's only my opinion) mistreated in every possible way by women, though new ones do think of new methods of torture previously not imagined. And you know what, though it feels like hell at the time, it passes, resolves (usually in the inevitable breakup as such problems don't tend to occur in good relationships) and the effects wear off. I still have both my arms, both my legs, and better still, all my sanity. And that's why I'm here typing this now. Few people believe this!!!

Most people tell me they're somehow 'damaged' by the way previous partners treated them. Why? Most relationships involve a power struggle, and that leads to conflict with many people. But permanent scars? If that was true, my etheric body would look like a skating rink with all the scars. But it's perfectly intact, as are yours. Because we aren't really damaged by relationship problems after the event. At the time, they hurt, of course. But that's it.
Let me give my examples to conclude and then trust me, as what you'll be risking is feeling better, no more. You have nothing to lose but your beliefs learnt by the media and other people you know. If they make you hurt and shy away from new relationships to avoid the pain, then that's a lot to lose, and it's all excess baggage you never needed in the first place.

I have: Been in love with someone who wouldn't let me touch them though we went out for 4 months (if you know what I mean). She then told me (before I was going to propose shortly) she'd been in love with another man for a year or so and only went out with me as her mother didn't approve and wanted her to try others (ie myself). I was a guinea pig. I then said I was planning to propose, and she said 'So, loads of people have done that' and that was it. Until a week later she said she'd had an argument with her mother and could she rent my spare room? As the money and reliability compared to other unknown tenants was useful, I put my feelings on the back burner and accepted. Almost a year of seeing her and hearing about her (average 3 at a time) boyfriends before we finally argued so often she left. I was still in love with her every day she was there, and you know what? The day after I let her go and that was it. End of. Like waking up from a dream. Why? Not because I'm special, but a) I practised for ages to get to that level, and b) I knew relationships can't hurt you after they finish.
That was the second worst example, the worst was so because it was mutual, and I did lose something, not nothing. In the first I was treated like shit, and suffered for well over a year every day, and I consented to it as I believed it was good for me to rather than wimp out and lose a year's rent money or get a crook instead. The second was the exact opposite. I met a relative angel many years before, and gradually realised she wasn't a soppy little girl (best looking I'd been out with though) but a very nice, clever, understanding person who understood me totally, and I could say anything to and be understood, accepted and loved for it. How rare is that? See how important understanding is to me as I deliberately emphasised it three times. I discovered a true mutual relationship existed after a 4 week holiday break where we'd both been unfaithful (message here as well guys) and both admitted it as soon as we met back, and realised we'd now both discovered we wanted each other, and that had tested it for us possibly. I can always look back on that with Vivienne (maybe she'll read it now!!) and know what a relationship should be like. No wonder people get married if they can maintain that long term! So two weeks after our reunion, when things had just begun to get really interesting, for various reasons, her mother banned her from seeing me. That was it. End of, and I hadn't even 'done anything'(major)! I was about to, but as we were late we had to stop, so I even knew I was definitely going to. Crap!!!
I had my rule, I used my rule, I had everything potentially before, and lost everything in a stroke. All the elements of tragedy, everyone has their version but it's no competition, all these mutual split ups are equally bad, and I survived, regrets of course, but NO SCARS!

I can't prove I'm right for you, you'll have to try it yourself to test it, but I can say it's true for me, and we're all human and designed the same. I just learnt a technique and practised it like any other, and it worked. It will always work because it exploits the truth. Everything else you believe on this is imaginary, as it's based on a belief you 'must be hurt permanently'. And how does that feel? Bloody awful, I bet. So that is what you can lose, any move towards that is a profit, so don't just take my word for it, try it, it's got to be better than the other way!

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