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Well this apparent karma stuff is getting really weird. Since deciding (like there was any choice?) to see life as a series of connections, I have been able to read it and even affect it as well by changing my attitude.

So this past week has been a balance between new success from my new attitude, and old crap left over from before that is not going to go away with time, but I'm being apparently tested to learn to deal with the really 'heavy stuff'. Well I am truly fed up with this, the responsibility of having phone calls all hours of the day and night (literally, though I don't take them if I'm in bed) like being on call, from people I know who I like but can't live to look after on a random basis, is starting to drive me batty. The only way I can imagine dealing with it would be an 'all-or-nothing' tree-felling operation, which I'd rather not do, I really just want to tell everyone I'm not here to use all my spare time mentally and physically supporting you. That, to me, would probably offend most enough to have the same effect as telling them to get lost. So my current second-best approach is to hope their problems will go with time and they'll go off leaning on me and find other things as well to do instead. This has worked in the past but the trouble is you never know how long it's going to take, and the karmic element is that at the moment this is happening for about 4 people at once. As soon as the phone goes down it's off again, as Kendall can confirm as she sees me on the webcam with the phone constantly being answered. Any advice will be welcome (my readership isn't logged here for some reason, but the recent lack of comments isn't too promising...).
Well there's the negative karma, it is almost too much for me at times as though it's stopped right now (like ten minutes ago...) it's around and unless I actually get a job, which will solve one lot of problems and create another, I can't see anything else happening to get me off the hook without causing too many waves.

On the positive side, my new attitude of starting to expect the best (as I used to for many years) has paid off, and driven my knowledge of karma to another level, that is personally directing it as well as simply witnessing its operation. In a week or two, a total of six people I'd semi written off are now back in my life (I haven't seen any yet but that may follow). Three arrived out of the blue, one family returned (to my mother, but I hope I may follow) after around a 20 year gap! The other three I was inspired to contact, and all were nice, and even pleased to hear from me! Unfortunately the ones who made arrangements, in their usual way have instantly then cancelled them (like giving you a cake and then sneezing on it) but that's not important as it's only a short term hiccup now.

To sum up, 2005 has started on a positive note, but as soon as the 'working week' arrived after the holidays, the stress and crap started to creep in, and living alone it's probably a lot harder just taking it time and time again without being able to talk about it. So doing this helps, but not only having someone else here to talk about things but also talk about their stuff to take my mind off it would protect my sanity no end. And all fears and worries buzz around my head uninterrupted by anything else when I'm here on my own. So Kendall, for one, gets it all in a bunch, and doesn't deserve to be the butt of my own inability to share my problems on a regular basis by getting them all dumped on her in one go. As Kendall is one person I know reads here, I'll add my idea that of course karma is universal, and my karma is her karma where it affects here, and she must have issues to work out that will best be learnt through me. Easy is the one word that doesn't apply to karmic growth. The theory is unless we take it damn seriously we won't need to learn new skills to change ourselves. So the situations are made as innocuous as possible without being ignored, so we'll notice them, but only become more serious if we still ignore them, till we are forced to act. This isn't my teaching, it's the stuff I've read, makes absolutely no scientific sense at all, butseems to work incredibly smoothly once I saw it operating.

Therefore currently I've managed to handle conflict (plenty of opportunities in 2004, finally learnt to cope with). Now I'm being given situations where I am sacrificing my own time and sanity to help others who need my help but at my expense, and though (after therapy!) I learnt to say no nicely to social invitations at last, I have now to learn to say no to friends who need me in my own time. We all have to do this at times, but I never learnt that one and couldn't of course do it naturally. My article writing should be able to soon coalesce all my karmic experiences into more of a whole book at this rate, and whether or not karma can be proved, tested, explained or not, if this is happening to me and people I know, I'm going to try working with it as long as it does. I hope to God a week from now (though I'd prefer a day) this lot can be resolved, as I am beginning to suffer. The weight is just piling up and becoming a bit heavier than I'd like to carry. But I don't want to put any down unless I can do so without breaking any of it. Pity I don't like holidays as I could do with a break...