It's not happening

Thursday is over, and just realised I've written this on February 29th. And it's the year of the rat, and I was born in a leap year and rat. That means every 4th sign must hit a leap year. More or less as for whatever reason Chinese years don't match ours exactly.
I was about to talk about something but that just occurred to me.

I'm actually incredibly busy. It seems the lack of outside news has forced me to make my own activities, and each day despite often not having a clue what I'll do have now covered miles of places taking photos and videos, and bough a few little bits and pieces as well. The only contact I've had with the media was an email from one place telling me not to keep emailing them (in a nice way) as they were still waiting for the information. From who- God himself? Fuck me, if my business was organised like that I'd be quite eligible for excommunication. If someone phones you and asks a question then you usually answer, but use email and you can put it off till retirement. Now one trail I followed was correct, a production company I worked with (for an afternoon anyway) did go bust, but the good news was my project was taken on with a few of their staff by another agency. Who don't even answer their fucking phones. For weeks. Had I been a paying customer I expect they'd all get their cocks out and ask me if I wanted a lick, but ex-client (unpaid) and you may as well be a typhoid carrier. Bastards.

I have been told by everyone I know in the media (it's called networking and pure luck in some cases) that this is par for the course. Now OK, if they're nice to everyone until they've finished with them (like the worst salesmen) and then drop them like a used tampon what if they need you again? That is not a way to make yourself a reputation.
Please God the next job gets used and even if not, sooner or later I could reach the status where they may actually respect me and decide I'm worthy of receiving money as well. Meanwhile on a similar vein the last series of Grange Hill (they actually had it last year) was repeated this week on CBBC where it was shifted last year without one viewer knowing (including me). So I though thank goodness, I'm able to see it again. Episode 1 was Monday, oddly at lunchtime when lots of schoolkids are watching. Not. It was scheduled for every day till the series finished and by Tuesday had been cancelled. If it's on again next week I'll get over the treatment, but where the hell did it go and why? They're all at it, the third series of Mystery Hunters apparently was never shown in the USA. They're now starting filming the 4th, and as it's no longer shown here and the USA are still playing repeats then who the hell's meant to see it outside Canada where it's made?

Meanwhile I carry on driving round London with cameras and tidying the house while Rome burns, Prince Harry is in Afghanistan, other items are being used considered more important than my article, producers are losing their businesses, more series are being pulled, women are not thinking about me, new buildings are being planned for after I'll be dead, and nothing actually ever happens or changes.
I still hope to become famous, however long it takes. It's started, very slowly, but has begun. I may not be working that much now to earn it but put in enough in the buildup that it's all a delayed reaction. But a million times more likely than a decent woman. Apparently.

Progress suspended

Well, there are parallel lives going on at the moment, the one I could have and the real one with nothing really. I've managed to keep occupied each day and besides being in communication with said authorities causing the delays have not a scrap more information when any of these jobs will be complete. So I make a photo, video and shopping schedule and each day do as much as I can in an afternoon and fill the gaps with walks and bike rides. Nearly all alone but used to that now.

My final shopping eneded on ebay, getting two Jewish figures a fraction of the price the one shop had them I visited. Living in exile in multicultural NW9 (minus my own) I decided to make the house a cultural centre so I felt at home once I stepped in from the gentile desert outdoors. I always say when I lived in hampstead Garden Suburb I could be ignored by Jewish neighbours rather than Goyish, but at least you see them around which happened about twice in the 12 years I've been here. I just feel like the latke at a wake, to reverse the cliche.

I am wondering if any of the media projects will complete at the moment, let alone when. Professionals relax as they are paid regardless of usage, us lot who volunteer get nothing besides the exposure. If not it was a nice day meeting another film crew and fuck all else. OK, the last TV programme has produced a nice DVD distributed for the participants, but unless I decide to set up my own TV station no one else will see it at the moment.
Tomorrow is another in a run of free days I've used very well so far, at this rate I'll have one of the largest catalogues of pictures of North London in the world and videoed every main road as well. Anyone can do it with basic equipment but few bother. I've only seen a few road trips in the UK and haven't looked abroad yet on Youtube. After the current TV projects I really want to do a tour of London suburbs as I've seen single episodes and was so fascinated it started me off as soon as I could afford a camera. I know the place as well as anyone could and expect it would have enough people interested to watch, just like 'My Street' tonight on Channel4 which was exactly the sort of programme I would have done myself if I'd slept with (male) producers at college instead of studying law. Or both even. I do have standards though. It is odd that women lose nothing doing so as they just have to lower their standards to advance their careers. I have yet to hear of a woman boss who wanted male applicants to have sex for favours. The world can be a cruel place at times.

I don't believe it!

Still keeping busy, and mostly from my own efforts. Even the small amounts of information I've squeezed out of people have been from constant tries before the right person was located. Many have yet to reply but I have their numbers and no longer bother to wait forever in case they get round to it. No, I am as important as anyone else they deal with.
The good weather has helped of course, plenty of photos and videos, and plenty of little jobs to do indoors when it goes quiet.

I make lists to keep me organised and occupied, so there aren't too many times when I totally run out of things to do. It's incredibly similar to those marooned on an island as there's no one else there to make the activities for you. I can invite others but they have to agree and those who invite me have to be worth doing as well. Not many coincide any more though so nearly all solitary pursuits and family visits. So on the big issues I am waiting on all. At least there are media projects, and I still have a few on the go. Toby Young had an article about his life in The Independent this weekend and saw two photos of him as I remembered from the 70s. It's good to see people doing well who deserve it as too many like Paris Hilton, Lady Victoria Hervey, the Palmer-Tomkinsons and the like are famous because they are rich, not the other way round. Why the obsession with the sort of people you are jealous of as well as those you admire is a mystery to me. Anyone born with millions is no different to anyone else except they have the freedom to do what they like and hangers on who hope for a few crumbs. But famous for it? My arse.

At least people in Big Brother have to suffer for weeks for their fame and few keep it up after the first few months it ends. As they haven't got any reason to be famous besides their exposure. Better to build up slowly for a reason, and I am slowly doing that after many years working to get the letters after my name that get me the work in the first place. Hare and tortoise scenarios. With the patience of a saint. And while I wait each day occupied is a little miracle that I find something new to do each time.
I still leave the really boring stuff indefinitely but we're all human in that respect. But that doesn't include enquiries from people, only getting in touch with them because it's my turn to do so with no actual other reason. You have to have priorities. I doubt I'll get much this week or the week beyond on the media front, besides me calling a producer if not heard by Friday (now I know the new location). After leaving a message last Friday that is. The rule should be if you have no news at least tell people if they ask, and if possible why. I'm not going to ring the newspapers (like they'd care) to say a TV company is having legal problems getting a programme out, but if it's my programme I'd bloody well like to know. Otherwise it looks like they don't care and are just leaving it to rot, which would make no financial sense.

It's also interesting the said company have no idea the programme even exists any more, although they commissioned it. I hope they have their records lost by the government and they moan, and I can say 'serves you fucking well right for doing it yourselves'. It's the same people in every office in the world who do this, it's pure chance where they are and what they lose. But the one thing they never had to begin with is brains. Anyone can foul up something difficult but not getting addresses wrong or not keeping proper records. We could do that in primary school when we played shops and if we could then these airheads are just taking the piss wherever they are.

Busy week for a change

Besides the usual photos and videos I spent this week spending some of my birthday money, and actually got quite a few things on my list despite only spending £20. That's the way I shop, I saw a few other items for £20-30 each and thought they were a waste, and got far more than I expected after a few days looking around and was offered the final item I was after as a present next week.
I also spent a couple of days chasing up my media projects, and if nothing else have plenty more information. It's a start, positive, but not close to an actual date on any of them. But as long as they're alive I'm OK. The trouble is none of these steps have made a difference to my life so far of course. New pictures and books are nice but don't change your life much.

I was also expecting a few more replies which have been totally absent, one was promised over a week ago and the other is a total mystery. Hopefully both will be cleared up next week. The 'active' woman in my life seems more interested in keeping occupied than in me. The other is a long shot in many ways but is actually suitable and interested. Many couples meet and after decades of separation finally unite, and this is no reason not to either. If she's now single anyhow. But after expecting little or nothing this week I made plans each day and did all the work myself, relying on no one to get the activities and results. Whether I can keep this up is debatable, I have a few photo trips coming up next week onwards, and how long any media news will take is anyone's guess.
I am also working a little more on flogging my artwork after my old school sent an ad for an art sale in May. No reply from there either but it could be half term.

It is boring meanwhile when despite getting a lot done (I even fixed the mileometer on my bike at last) nothing is happening. I did see a youtube video describing enlightenment in a way that finally made sense to me and means I now see it as a genuine state achieved through effort and not chance. I have the method ( see www.nickroach.co.uk), a website I also contributed quite a bit to anonymously. Most teachers say to focus on any aspect of the present and they must have a point.
I hope tomorrow is more exciting than expected, as I'm going out later I really can't be bothered driving around first, will do the online quiz at 2 and then maybe saved up jobs indoors at last. At least I'll have the time to do them. It's no joke being alone I can tell you.

A life of holes

I've so far managed to get a quart out of a pint pot over the last week or so, but am wondering how long this can continue. With anything major possible it brings into very clear focus exactly what you do have in life, which is actually very little. Besides a possible newspaper article there are a few small items on the system with an equally small chance of appearing. The holes and no cheese.

This week I only have some trivial photo trips and housework known in advance, and know this could go on for months before I even hear about the article, let alone anything else. So I have a very rough skeleton and am wondering if anything more will ever add to it. Even the small steps that have been made in the last couple of years are just that and haven't changed my life yet.
I've given up trying to make sense of it. Even when you understand certain things it can't affect them. I am mainly a speactator now who does what he's told and searches for activities that are available. Even some silly little things, like when someone starts off incredibly helpful and efficient, offers service within a short time and then vanishes without delivering a thing. I couldn't dream of cutting anyone out of the loop on any project. Even telling someone to wait is enough. But they just don't bother.

Even tonight someone said they were getting a guest on the radio at 10pm when they normally do at 11. I trust my source yet not only was it not at 10 the person hasn't even been mentioned. They waste our time and offer whatever suits them at the time except for the rare decent ones, in every field. But letting people down is so unnecessary. It takes no more effort to correct a mistake in communication than it takes to make it. You can't plan ahead that much but for christ's sake tell people when you muck up. Again I've had three in a bunch doing this which is a communication that seems to have a purpose.

In fact last week I decided although I couldn't understand many psychic powers I would still research them, and the next day I read the same thing in a magazine. That includes coincidences and I will accept at least there is some control over our lives although clear something more than we know has to be causing them. But why make the consequences so dire or depressing? Why let me down three times in a week or so just to make a point I knew already? Some are to learn to handle or tolerate the inevitable problems, but others are just a pain in the arse and appear to teach me nothing besides confirm things do happen in bunches. At least I am confident in healing now as whatever power I channel often works and science can't fathom that one out let alone my brain.

So, another week ahead of impossibilities. And fucking Valentine's day where the toxic waste of the media is unavoidably seen and heard by every person in the world serially unaffected by the message. Another nail in the coffin of the quality of life. I do enjot moaning at least but will be delighted one day when I come here with nothing to moan about. Not for a while I suspect, if ever. Just reading the signs...

Have you been?

A bit of a quiet time so decided to come here rather than go to bed alone. I was actually going to watch videos but they wanted calls on ufos on the radio and 2 hours later not one person has called. Been busy online anyway. I've updated all the normal stuff on the funtrivia blog already and don't feel like repeating today's shopping and small shifts on the media projects. Looking ahead (as now is not very interesting) there is still nothing very interesting. More 99p pizzas I just bought (I prefer the good ones but there weren't any there) and taking something back to the shop where they insisted what I bought does what it doesn't.

I've actually added quite a lot recently but seen none of it. I was seen coast to coast on US cable for an indeterminate time last month, waiting to probably be in a national paper for the first time (named anyway, I was in the Telegraph magazine when I was about 12), and planning a new TV programme. But every one of these is far off, the DVD of the programme will probably be in weeks, the paper in a few months and the new programme maybe a year or two. Now is something different. Looking forward to returning a dodgy item to a shop of morons is not the greatest thing to anticipate in life, and back to a bog standard weekend I presume after that. The female interest has failed so far since showing an initial interest. The second possible one is months away if even available. The week so far has actually been ok but this is a little gap and hopefully if tomorrow even if one little thing I'd like to happen does then it will take me away from the limbo now.

The new Facebook application 'would you do me' is possibly the best cultural influence this century, I lost the best one and hope if I click enough pictures it will come back as many do. If we can all find just one local one who means it then we'll all be well away. Hopefully they won't want a meal first as I hate eating out.

Universal disappointment

Another phase in life, and a real pisser this time. Nearly but not quite, the British disease. In the last few weeks I nearly got published in a national paper, nearly got somewhere with someone who may become a girlfriend, nearly met someone I met online, nearly saw myself in a TV programme and quite a few more I've lost track of.
Of course what this actually means is I didn't get anything and although half this list is likely to happen eventually (and I know exactly which half) it makes the present no more bearable and less boring. I have used the lack of activity to create endless photographic records, venturing further and further into oblivion (Hertfordshire) as you have to keep finding new areas. I am now planning a few videos with me in them instead of filming, and will set that up soon. The almost total lack of outside activities will force me to finish the stuff at home that's been piling up for months and like when the internet goes down will finally start getting looked at.

After a call to the newspaper with no response I've let that one go, if they suddenly do it then great but it's no longer on the system. I'm seeing a producer this week about another programme so keep moving career wise anyhow. Apart from that I have one booking so far this week and am seeing my American cousin on Friday, typical when I have so many the only two I got on with are either abroad or dead. And old as actually my mother's cousins. All the rest are very much local, alive and absent.
So there's no more disappointment left now as there's nothing left not to happen. If that makes sense. I do start to see the sense in the people who left home to meditate for months or more as you can actually see the benefits there and it doesn't rely on anyone else. That should make me do more at home and maybe it will. I haven't stopped but the internet has always seemed to win. I tried to join a forum for the group I joined last night but besides wanting to know virtually how often you wank, do you have impure thoughts and are you a criminal they also called you from abroad and charged you for it. Now a local call costs almost £6 if the charges are reversed as I once discovered, so imagine one from India. I'd rather save the money for my next car.
It was a shame as I'd like to talk with people who understand the same things as me, but not for that price.

So, no business as usual. I've managed to keep incredibly busy since the newspaper interview and even though the ideas are running out hope to continue, but you can't help seeing everything that isn't there, and wondering how each time manages to evaporate to nothing. As I said, some are still possible but no longer officially alive. I'm also waiting to see if they tell me how many people watched my programme last month. In the UK you become famous simply by being seen by a million or more viewers. Of course they are all in a small area so will be more likely to bump into other people who have seen it and be able to talk about it, but I suspect I may have reached that as the show, although on a pay channel, was available coast to coast. Did any Americans see episode 6 'Alien Abduction- true confessions'? If so, that was me!

Five more things

Just found this elsewhere on a blog and thought I'd pass a little time:

1. What were you doing 10 years ago? In 1998 I was newly unemployed, 6 months into meditation, just finished with an extremely aggravating girlfriend and from what I remember doing very little. Only internet access was the library.

2. What were you doing one year ago? I think by now a year means very little in life. I seem to remember I'd just seen my 2nd TV speaking role on cable, and otherwise was going round taking photos and wandering around as usual.

3. Five songs you know the lyrics to: Probably a few Ivor Biguns, I'm a wanker, I've farted and My brother's got piles. Sang them at a comedy show once. I learn the odd song right through but rarely remember it all for long.

4. Five things you would do if you were a millionaire. Move back to Hampstead Garden Suburb, get a video camera with a separate microphone and editing suite, buy a decent synthesiser, get an HDTV with digital TV recorder, get a new laptop

5. Five bad habits. Impatience, rambling, going to bed too late, complaining, gossiping about people.