Monday, February 04, 2008

Universal disappointment

Another phase in life, and a real pisser this time. Nearly but not quite, the British disease. In the last few weeks I nearly got published in a national paper, nearly got somewhere with someone who may become a girlfriend, nearly met someone I met online, nearly saw myself in a TV programme and quite a few more I've lost track of.
Of course what this actually means is I didn't get anything and although half this list is likely to happen eventually (and I know exactly which half) it makes the present no more bearable and less boring. I have used the lack of activity to create endless photographic records, venturing further and further into oblivion (Hertfordshire) as you have to keep finding new areas. I am now planning a few videos with me in them instead of filming, and will set that up soon. The almost total lack of outside activities will force me to finish the stuff at home that's been piling up for months and like when the internet goes down will finally start getting looked at.

After a call to the newspaper with no response I've let that one go, if they suddenly do it then great but it's no longer on the system. I'm seeing a producer this week about another programme so keep moving career wise anyhow. Apart from that I have one booking so far this week and am seeing my American cousin on Friday, typical when I have so many the only two I got on with are either abroad or dead. And old as actually my mother's cousins. All the rest are very much local, alive and absent.
So there's no more disappointment left now as there's nothing left not to happen. If that makes sense. I do start to see the sense in the people who left home to meditate for months or more as you can actually see the benefits there and it doesn't rely on anyone else. That should make me do more at home and maybe it will. I haven't stopped but the internet has always seemed to win. I tried to join a forum for the group I joined last night but besides wanting to know virtually how often you wank, do you have impure thoughts and are you a criminal they also called you from abroad and charged you for it. Now a local call costs almost £6 if the charges are reversed as I once discovered, so imagine one from India. I'd rather save the money for my next car.
It was a shame as I'd like to talk with people who understand the same things as me, but not for that price.

So, no business as usual. I've managed to keep incredibly busy since the newspaper interview and even though the ideas are running out hope to continue, but you can't help seeing everything that isn't there, and wondering how each time manages to evaporate to nothing. As I said, some are still possible but no longer officially alive. I'm also waiting to see if they tell me how many people watched my programme last month. In the UK you become famous simply by being seen by a million or more viewers. Of course they are all in a small area so will be more likely to bump into other people who have seen it and be able to talk about it, but I suspect I may have reached that as the show, although on a pay channel, was available coast to coast. Did any Americans see episode 6 'Alien Abduction- true confessions'? If so, that was me!

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