Life playing God

I've been unusually busy today. Wednesdays are usually free as today was, and having shlepped to Wood Green yesterday (it's a shlep from even a mile away) didn't have to go anywhere special today if at all. As it was it was sunny so went to Kensal Rise nearby for another bus photo, and with my stool got over another railway bridge to see the view from there. Then shopping in Golders Green to return home to clear an old set of drawers in readiness for a desk I'm being given on Friday. One whole box of crap now binned I'm glad to say. Then I fixed my bike tyre (as not a puncture) and went to the supermarket with a hard back tyre for the first time in weeks.



I've started sending the NASA global warming (negative) findings out already, first to a local MP and called the radio but didn't get on. If we don't spread this data when we find it people will assume it isn't there. The BBC or regular papers all steered clear of this bombshell at the time and I was very lucky to find the item at all myself. The others can all be doubted by the globally religious types, but am wondering how they'll twist this one to claim it makes no actual difference to their evil satan of CO2. There have always been with hunts, as stated on the radio today. There are in Nigeria and by one good speaker thousands of naive people believe it and torture children as a result, as demonstrated on an hour long TV programme last week. People love an imaginary enemy and like God, the devil and spirits CO2 can't be seen or heard but believed in. From allowing plant growth and keeping our oxygen balance in our blood, it has turned into the 21st century version of Hitler, condemned worldwide for numerous crimes against humanity, except, unlike Hitler, it is not guilty. You have leaders who know they are lying and followers who either think they aren't, or are getting something out of it. This is the worst example I've ever come across and am terrified if enough people don't wake up sooner or later we'll be stitched up as well as if Hitler had won the war. No blood shed but loss of freedom and cash at alarming rates. It's impossible to see it happen and not speak out against it or I will be as bad as they are.



On other business, tomorrow is free again, I hope to get some phone calls out of the way and maybe a couple of sales visits. I suspect my inability to go out has put off all but the most hardened lonely gits from calling me any more, and friends like that are clearly not worth it. I value the person not the activity and when my friend came from America after 3 years away for a week it was like someone had returned from the dead. People mean more to me than anything else, and could never drop someone for their lack of activity. It took me 40 years to collect those friends, it's not going to be easy to find any new ones. So I keep as busy as I can but rarely with anyone else. We can all see people we find boring if we wanted to but they hold me back and am used to being on my own and keeping busy. Looking for interesting people from the past is fascinating but unlikely to get back people who dropped you already as I've discovered. All the usual crap that happens to everyone else carries on, including a parking ticket for parking where they claim it had been suspended. Telling them the bay was in use and no signs were up made no difference as it's so easy to add extra money by tricking people, plus I asked the warden if it was OK when she was looking at my car and she said it was. Yes, OK for her to add to her collection of souls for the month.



These happen to us all the whole time but are a lot easier when shared. You can't avoid getting into trouble, and they have made roads the equivalent of a Monopoly board where they collect money round every corner. I do my best not to get fined but you can't own a car and not do. Even my mother who was a judge got a ticket, although it was refunded. My father gets even more and he was a lawyer who drafted statutes for the government but still can't decipher the deliberately obscure parking notices. These are the people they feed on. Drug users and vandals get a caution, decent people with no criminal record get (and pay) unwarranted fines. If they get them they either haven't registered the cars so needn't pay them, the cars are worth so little they let them take them in lieu of a fine, or just trust they won't have to pay them as they have no money. Just watch the police documentaries if you want to see it.

I really accept and understand now I can't keep a clean record any more. They can't prosecute me for anything I've done as I won't do anything illegal, but besides that I've realised I can't maintain any type of defence against other black marks as it's unavoidable. I've dodged trouble all my life but only delayed the event. Now I'm resigned to accepting any that comes my way and hopefully bounce back quickly when it happens as it has to.



It is strange that as I see more and more how rare and possibly impossible good random events are, but how unavoidable bad ones are. Destruction takes seconds, contruction takes time and skill. I do see many of these as tests as one by one I'm given situations to stop me caring about them as I did before. It can ruin your life and although I stopped being rejected by women bothering me as a teenager as it was necessary to, being in trouble with the authorities has always been a sore point with me as I was brought up not to be. I am in professions which are not meant to misbehave, law and therapy, and that makes me even more sensitive to appearing to be 'on the other side'. Now I must stop giving a fuck. If it takes a parking ticket and various other relatively harmless situations to teach me that then I've done fairly well. It forces me to realise these reactions are there and then get rid of them, but rather than any reward I just get more lessons, and plenty of other crap where I can't see any lesson at all. Most people are too busy working and bringing up their families to care about all this shit, but having neither I suppose it allowed me to think about things others are too busy to. I get fuck all thanks for it most of the time though, but then again neither did Jesus... (note the John Lennon reference there?).

Where's heaven?

Well I've managed to keep on my travels, driven by the desire to collect, this time bus numbers. Not my idea but a logical one to get a photo of them all. After 3 years on the road with a digital camera and no holidays or interest in them I need places to keep taking them. I got a good bunch today anyway so used the short period of time the light was there when I could.

I was also sent a link to 'The Australian' newspaper, that mentioned back in March that NASA discovered water vapour reduces as CO2 increases, cancelling out its effects. That got reported and responded to widely didn't it. My arse. Yet again it's me and anyone who can be bothered to join me who will be reporting this. Can you imagine the left wing Arab loving BBC announcing this on the 10 O'Clock news as a headline? "NASA discover CO2 in the atmosphere is cancelled by falling water vapour?". The fact it's true and fucks up the total basis of man made emissions causing global warming (which stopped in 1998, much to the confusion of the green lobby who predicted a steady rise in response to CO2 rises). That was dismissed by other sites who showed both CO2 responds to warming rather than causing it, and the levels we have are not able to trap heat either. Now we can prove it.

Faced by contrary evidence how many scientists accept the new findings? We will see.

Besides that little bombshell that was hidden from us until I was lucky enough to find it life is more or less usual as it has been. No events, no results and no changes. Now the only exception is my dreams. Everything happens there. There are no limits on good or bad of course, especially as all damage is reversible on waking, but the massive swings to the good side show something that has only entered any of our lives fleetingly. I meet all the people I need to meet, events happen the way they should, and I suppose it's basically saying I am being given glimpses of heaven. If there was a consistent place like that then it would be well worth the effort to get there, but even the fact we are allowed to visit in dreams means it's not reserved for the dead.
Elements do cross over into life but the dreadful but accurate term 'grace' describes the random times when they do, so the spiritual path is the single planned indirect way to heaven on earth. I stop short of joining the new online ashram as I believe my current path is adequate and spending time chanting and other nonsense may well do the job as well but by far from the only one.

I also believe (and I was there) that the hippy movement hooked into this, however they got there. That's where my roots remain and why they do. The art alone shows levels beyond any before them, and nothing like it since. Peter Max is a good place to start if you want some examples. I can describe most elements of this level very simply, and none are a surprise, combine the right environment with the right people, tweak a few of the edges and give them a few extras and you're nearly there already. It was described by myself, and confirmed in 'The Secret Garden' as 'magic', which is the element of life where it crosses to heaven. Once you've recognised this you are generally reminded of its absence from your life, which makes for a constant level of dissatisfaction. And it would be a surprise if not. We gravitate to pleasure so when all we have is the memory of it something objects. And you can't go and look for it, it comes and goes, all you can do is meditate and hope.

I have a free week ahead so far, I hope the magic comes in as a result.

Have I got anywhere?

Being on a hamster wheel means you do a lot but get nowhere. OK, I have helped a couple of others this week which counted for them, but my own activities just provided more photos of new bus routes and stations. I may well advertise for a woman again, having realised I can specify where I want to go out as well as who I want. You get replies from people who are interested anyway, not who you want. Just say nothing about them as people from around the world will reply regardless as well as all ages and other variations. You just eliminate all the dross first time round and then deal with what's left. Internet ads don't work for men, and newspaper ones vary depending where you advertise, but can produce a flood of calls. None got me anyone but spend days on the phone saying the same things to each person, met one I liked first, saw her again, got dumped and as the others weren't as nice let them go.

I will mention I'm not reading as many blogs as I used to for one main reason, as soon as I link one sooner or later it's taken offline. Where does it all go? If I stopped blogging (when I die) I'd never delete all my work. What a total waste. So people I've got to know and interested in just vanish and are gone as if they were in a dream. It takes time to replace with equal standard so am getting fed up with the effort involved. I will also admit (like I hide it) I'd be the happiest person around if a newspaper printed something from here, as many do randomly. Fame is in my DNA and don't give a damn how I get it. It's the benefits I want and the route is irrelevant. Unlike Paris Hilton I did learn piano for 10 years, had guitar lessons, a few years drama classes and used to write and put on plays at school. All that slowed down during my studies but the impulse never left. So now I have the time but not the union card I can't do it the normal way so need UFOs, blogs or anything else I can squeak into the business with as I'm not able to go for auditions like the pros.

I have worked my way through more little jobs including a couple of work bookings for the first time in over a month. More next week and some have proved less straightforward than expected. Crooks, liars, cheats and useless sods all make life busier than it needs to be but will always be part of it. The buttheads that let me sell my postcards in their cafe and then let them all be pinched (including the box) meant I was paid in full even though they didn't get it. Their fault, my profit. But I'd never put them there again. I'd rather have waited and got the money properly and then done some more but it had to be complicated.
Needless to say every business and pleasure message sent has been blanket ignored, like written in invisible ink. The reaction of women to my emails is presumably either total ignorance of who I am or far worse complete disgust. I was a pain when I was a teenager but got it out of my system. I was tactless, crude and not much of a gentleman. The ones who understood me got my good side and never minded when I showed the other, but many kept well away and fair enough. But I know none of the people back then are likely to be the same as they were as we've all grown up, except the one who everyone I know is currently avoiding although I always enjoyed his total lunacy. He's actually a very nice guy but has no boundaries. A bit like looking in a magnifying mirror...

Well hope is a word only in a dictionary as far as I'm concerned. Gone for me. No reason for anything to improve, the TV programme is invested in so is in their interest not mine to fix up, but otherwise I've planted dates in the arctic. I will continue to collect pictures of public transport, houses, signposts and other local minutiae, and keep looking up old girlfriends until it's in the obituary notices. Two down that road already so no doubt more will follow, plus one of my best friends till he left for boarding school. The aliens continue to send the world's channelers messages and keep me entertained but besides scientific and historical data they refuse to show themselves in person. Better than smoking or taking drugs though. Only our minds get screwed with.

Various points

Nothing known to report really, but one point is I've worked out here from presenting my ideas and the feedback that there is nothing wrong with my sanity. Different, yes. Insane, no. Just too sensitive, but that's hardly grounds for certification. That out of the way, what else?

I have certainly had to live within the clear boundaries of the mediocre and mundane. All around the middle, no highs. None. Not for ages. So of course if people can tell then that's the reason why. Less than anyone's fair share. And whatever work I'm not doing now to 'earn it' (old and wrong idea for a start) I have in the past and built up plenty of credit if that scenario was true. I may try another ad for a woman, purely as I will also list my own limitations so it doesn't create a problem waiting to happen. Restaurants are compared to torture chambers and cinemas being buried alive. I have been hundreds of times but have lost the will for some time. Partly I did all this so much (although never enjoyed restaurants) it finished me off, a bit like travelling. Everything I need is here. Travel 10, 20, 50 miles and you just see the same thing over and over again. My suburb, their suburb, another mall etc. Big deal. Just avoid the area codes in London starting with an E and you'll be OK. You know it makes sense.

So within the mediocrity I write trivia quizzes (including a record breaker, 1200 plays in a week), take endless photos (even almost in the dark till next March), do the usual rounds of the family and start again at the beginning. Plus the gym. I really wonder if anything interesting can ever happen, let alone will. The latest person I emailed from the past is beyond the bottom of the barrel. Same name, probably the same person, and no doubt have forgotten me. None have replied so far either, and when I hear from others how they get a message from the past and think 'Oh my god, no way!' and delete it then that's what these fuckers are doing with me. Nice. Whether advertising (again) will be even more of a waste of effort remains to be seen. I've had more trouble from persistent women who won't take no for an answer than those who see me once and run. At least that's one evening tops down the toilet. But when they phone and think because I advertised they have the right to insist on a relationship because they want one is a bloody pain. And never the right one since about 1972. Unless I missed one.

The activities of last week, although slightly productive in that some jobs were eliminated, are not worth remembering let alone reporting. They got me nowhere. Not so many left this week at least, and unlike many times in the past there aren't any old projects I've started that are waiting for results. All gone. No new ones. Just the routine as described above. So I watch people who claim to be aliens, enlightened, talking to aliens and the like as it's better than the shite on TV and easier than reading. I've worked on enlightenment 11 years now since my first lecture, and as far as I know although I now know what they're on about, haven't felt a thing. Well I felt something go different for a second when doing a mantra recently but goodness knows what that was. I think that second was it over 11 years. Now either I am going to become enlightened suddenly with no prior changes, or I'm not going there, so far. Others seem to, and can only trust them. You have to learn the way to discriminate between people talking about the subjective and sort the real from the unreal. We can literally only use intuition as we can't know what others are feeling. Catch 22. If it happened to me I wouldn't care what people thought and would probably not bother to mention it outside that community. Who cares? More so, who understands? They usually can't get meditation, so enlightenment is like another dimension to them. Fine, I'm not doing it for anyone else. My qualifications were for other people, I can't impress myself with them or pay myself, it's so I get money and respect. What else are they for? Getting any degree, even a PhD, does not equal happiness. It helps indirectly but most people I know with a much better hand of cards than me are no happier than those with none.

Well I can only report what is, and add (I'm sure you won't mind) what diver said in his blog, as a fellow agoraphobic. He has both travelled to Egypt and spent a few days on a long road trip, but is still agoraphobic. It's not what we can or can't do, but how we feel being made to do it. Hopefully the ignorant of you who send evil comments may learn something from meeting real agoraphobics instead of quoting a fucking dictionary at me. End of.

Filling the space

The obvious subject is what I've been doing but it is such a routine I ought to just say 'see last week' etc. The details of what I'm now doing will sound so trivial I may as well pass over them and see what else can be extracted from a mind which has been emptied of material over the period of writing here, and has apparently not changed, at least not from this side. Not that anyone else does very often, but I do work on it for various reasons and for the critics who would like to see changes will add these are for how I feel, not for how it is presented to others. That suits me fine and people who don't like it just don't like me.

I've been reading more channeled material now I've got the website, and sadly how both the readers and producer of this and nearly all other channeling I've read don't spot they are actually saying nothing new and often nothing at all I'll never know. Having said that the only exceptions so far are my own alien abductees as they give solid facts I can check up, and I was asked to have a go myself which seemed to work. But they all say the opposite of the popular contacts, that they will not be revealing themselves or anything else in the near future, and that does correspond with reality.

On the other hand we have our intuition, which tells us things we know are true with little evidence, and often discover are when evidence arrives. That of course improves with practice and although for instance the contrary data on global warming is arriving regularly I could sense it was all a scam very quickly before this did. It always works for evil people as well, two I picked lied, stole and cheated it turned out, before and after I met them. The second, an associate of the first, struck me as pure filth the minute I met him and my friend who did know him confirmed it. Luckily I have recently been able to use it for good as well, and done the same very quickly for a few very special people and as far as I know am correct. It's harder to confirm a positive than a negative as it's easier to let people down when you start off good. I should know, there is a growing line of examples.
On the other hand, taking my core teachings (advaita), all this is within the duality and only a part of a game or dream once you merge with all that is. Till then it's very real so I may as well keep writing about it. But my own intuition now tells me the teaching is correct so can see the activity is something on the surface of what is very peaceful underneath. That escapes polarity, feeling happy or sad is temporary and swings quickly or slowly whatever we do. The singularity, the constant peace behind it, is the place us students aim for, for the obvious reason is it has to be better than the alternative.
I did have to take this on trust for a long time, and technically still do, as I've never felt it, but can now recognise it in some others so am beginning to relate to it indirectly. It has shifted from a mystery only told by others to something I can sense. Progress I hope.

So within the existing duality the routine continues, reminding me very much of the dire period between O and A levels when I was free and alone, so the freedom was almost totally wasted on me. And back then at 16 I didn't have the resources and ideas I have now so was even worse. But not having a clue when it will change is the worst part, as it's like the sun hasn't come out for ages and maybe never will again. I do the starts but others do the finishes, and many come all from outside as well rather than me having any part in making them happen. I've analysed it in every way I can and can see no other conclusion.

Not quite lost for words

Looking back on the week it was really the next of many of keeping busy. I keep busy but get nothing really. More photos, more messages left and not a single reply. I suppose I can keep this routine up indefinitely, but is only filling time. And it only takes one person to fix it. I keep being reminded that of course you can't rely on the world outside for anything, which forced me on the spiritual path, but there is a long, possible never ending overlap between starting it and being it, and in that time of course you know the nature of the outside world but are still affected by it. Not a good formula.

I don't really dare to mention plans for next week as it may make people feel the same as it does actually being there. I found the London Bus group is waiting for a bus near me I didn't have or even know existed, so will be waiting around, probably in the rain, in Wembley until either I see it or get fed up. When all else runs out I'll be checking up on my little business items that have been hanging around for a while, and that is probably all. How ever person I've contacted hasn't replied has just added to the general lack of any interest, and will probably be scraping even further in the barrel when I think of some more poor sods who thought they'd never hear from me again. They do it to me though so only fair to keep the chain going. I am told you lose touch with people for good reasons but I have little else to keep me occupied.

Well I am sorry to bear the sort of depressing news again but only reporting what actually is. Seeing Harrow on the Hill station again after nearly 20 years was a little reunion with my past, but when that's the most interesting event in a week or more then I repeat my last apology. I did also have to listen to reports of my grandma's out of control bladder, including the usual times and places. OK, it's probably the nearest thing she has to excitement at her time of life, but had she been 30 years younger I'm sure she'd still have told us. I suppose in a way I take after her, except I can edit out a certain layer of minutiae below that which not a soul would want to hear.

I also see the world, at least this quarter, apparently settling down after the banks were baled out and Obama got in. That's a slow fuse I suspect, as unless America has suddenly decided to swing to the left they may not realise what they've let themselves in for. If they go wet the world won't stand a chance. All the savers are now earning almost sod all now interest rates are sending many retired people into poverty. That shows the priorities of politicians worldwide. Look after the plebs and they will look after you. Sod those few who worked and saved and now need that money, favour the young and stupid who have borrowed far too much and then let them do it all over again by making it easy. Bastards.
I also discovered (not reported by our lot) that Alaskan glaciers are growing after 200 years of retreat. 200 years means they started reducing before the industrial revolution, and it's hard to grow if the temperatures are increasing. And that data is straight from the USGS who make the official data rather than people I always hear condemned as not part of some scientific mafia.

Therefore we now have the IPCC who have admitted global warming itself stopped in 1998, higher temperatures do not cause more extreme weather (how often do you hear that reported on the BBC?) and now the first official admission some glaciers are growing (as we all knew already if we looked elsewhere). How many nails will it take in this coffin to finally contain and bury this awful deception that has robbed people worldwide of money and international aid as taxes have increased and being spent on climate change and nuclear power (which unlike carbon dioxide and warmer weather does not hurt anyone...). You see the picture forming? How many more of these items it will take before a) the BBC report it and b) some big shots start to doubt it matters and start to leave the cause I cannot say, but the truth is a big elephant and all the nothing in the world can't build or hide a real one. Telling people they may be in danger in 50 or more years is the sort of quasi hypnosis even Jade Goody should be able to resist, but apparently most of the world's leaders have convinced enough people this is true they are willingly offering not just their extra taxes but a little more for charity if they can manage it. Like the perfect murder, except it's a lot easier to see through this given enough time. I can only hope.

Digging into the past

Well the week was making the best of my own imagination. I looked at a map to see various new geographic features for photos and have a list that should take a while to get through now despite getting dark at 4pm for the next 4 months. The phase of being ignored has reached new levels, there's now the TV producer (bit of a waste of space from what I've seen), journalist (no power even if she liked my material), two women (no comment needed) and any other bastard I've forgotten including the twat who booked an appointment and made me sit on my tuchus all afternoon waiting for them to arrive. As it's a personal contact a bollocking is in line.

The most basic skeleton is in place to keep occupied for the week ahead, the photo calls I haven't made yet, a check on my business cards usage and the photo list. Plenty more paperwork if it's raining as well. Dull but for anyone within a family a pretty easy life. But alone is just killing time. Again my clients have deserted me after a while of activity, all together as always. I'll never understand that as I don't get BO and try not to fart too much when they're here. Or swear. I leave that to them.
Meanwhile I've been watching a teenager in Sweden doing psychokinesis on Youtube. I've been watching such demonstrations for some time and he also gives lessons how to do it. I find it easy to spot BS (as with the global warming trickery) and also starting to pick up on genuine people as well, like Rachel who just won Big Brother. That was a great endorsement of my judgement as I picked her after less than an hour. Now this guy doesn't seem to have any funny business either, and if I am correct in my intuition then it implies what he is doing is real. The fakes have helped a lot as once you've seen their videos with hidden hairdryers, magnets and all other amateur magician props, someone who seals an object under a bowl and still gets it to move leaves little opportunity to fake it. Bear in mind it's not a professional digital video that can be manipulated easily, but a home video by a kid in his bedroom. I continue to follow the progress.

I've said before another reason I blog is while most people come home to talk about their day, besides a few tenants who were like the exorcist in most cases I have come home to an empty house for 14 years. Every aspect of negativity I emanate is solely from that as it would for anyone who lived in an impersonal area with no community life or decision to live as a monk. My times were on holiday every year in Devon where although we could and did go out there was enough to do within walking distance to stay there for a month and have enough to do. All the activity of a year in Finchley where I lived was crammed into those visits, and half my friends met there. I was always surrounded by friends (except when they went home before me) and family (three generations sometimes) and can easily contrast the best with what I don't have now. I could also perform as it was a music holiday, and although not my priority still played keyboards (and sang once) for various parties and a couple of small concerts for the electronic music workshop. I even have a programme somewhere with my name on it. And the women there were both intellectual and attractive.

Looking back, besides many I was in love with at the time, sadly only a few were mutual, I didn't have the same record there as I did at home for some reason and tended to get the last resorts. I did meet my first girlfriend there who was top class, another years later but was too big an age gap to go anywhere at the time, and she lived there which stopped it in its tracks anyway. There was the German film star (now not then) who being 8-9 at the time was only a friend, but could still see the quality even then. She hasn't changed that much considering as there are plenty of current photos about. I'd have carried on going if I had anyone to go with, but by 1989 everyone else was married and going abroad with their new families and I was reduced to hanging out with teenagers. No one since to return with or I may still have met someone there, albeit from the other side of the world (Los Angeles, Botswana, plus a couple of failures from France and Italy at least) but plenty from London as well. Nothing like that here though besides one of my schools, and I was kicked out there after 2 years...

So I soldier on within the environment I've been given and it's been a bloody long time since anything good happened. Besides none of the important people replying, all the business attempts have got nowhere either and barely any research. Business as usual, but for how long?

We get what is given

There are two possibilities. Either things get better or they don't. I keep busy regardless but will always know what I'm missing especially as I've experienced enough to know the difference. But all the activity won't change the outside decisions. I asked someone else from the past to meet me a couple of days ago, despite the distance, just in case. Otherwise it's like waiting for the rain to come. You can play video games, watch TV, wander around but it doesn't change the lack of rain.

Meanwhile life goes on. My own philosophy seems to simplify life more and more as it is really simply a method of trying to get as much pleasure from our time here as possible. The problems arise when something or someone tries to stop them, or they are sabotaged by circumstances like illness. It's not easy. But the cack so many people let ruin their lives will never cease to amaze me. There are so many spoiled children out there that don't just get free ice cream but scream the house down as it's the wrong fucking flavour. Ungrateful sums it up. I am now happy for every small thing I have and more and more overlook the problems as long as they have no lasting effect. I've had enough to learn it. And if I can everyone can as problems and their reactions are universal.

For example, people who whinge for years when a relationship breaks up. What? We are all born naked and alone, and besides our parents (which some don't even have then if they've died or left) that is the most we can take for granted. How anyone can be devastated when anyone outside that family goes, so their lives are ruined for an indefinite period is handing the power to the enemy. Every person who isn't a blood relative is extra and not designed to be a permanent part of our lives. If we believe we are we have handed our power to them, and instead of enjoy them while we can we can get so attached we become dependent on them. Not me thank you. 24 hours to mourn the loss and back to business. Learnt it after the first time when my friend asked me how long I wanted the bitches to ruin my life. I said a day was enough and that was that. Easy. Never got me since. How can you miss what isn't yours in the first place? Our family is part of us so we lose someone who can never be replaced as they are unique, but others pass throughout our lives, if we are ready for it we won't be caught in the trap.

Funnily enough I came here first as Funtrivia is down, just when I wrote my first quiz in 10 months. So it made me think of what I'd learnt recently to add here as whatever insights I have are used in my work unless they are too confrontational. And when life simplifies itself for me all the time I see less and less that can't be understood by everyone. And none work on trust as you can see for yourself by checking. So in a way I may be reporting negativity in my own life but much positive for others. As despite simplifying it also simplifies our limits, and I spend a few years asking anyone I could and not one offered a single door in the wall of powerlessness. My suspicion was right, some situations are totally passive with no trick or little known methods that were kept secret. It's all as it seems and there are no hidden exits besides inner changes through meditation. But the world outside is the same as watching it on TV besides our own input as a single person against millions. Not a lot of difference there then.

I have also reached a point where I'd prefer answering questions on all this than repeating the same principles in different ways. Practical applications will vary for each question and the answers tend to come from the same area so work for virtually everything even if you may not like them. How many millionaire motivational speakers tell you you can do fuck all but get on with something else and forget about it? Not many people would pay to hear that advice but many times it's the truth. So all you can do is use the resources that are here and the others simply don't exist. Like my video editing program. If the tools aren't provided the work can't be done, end of. But besides that advice the rest is pretty practical so that is just the worst case, and can be quite liberating as once you realise nothing can be done you can let go and drop it.

A week's rubbish

I am beginning to wonder if my 'outer' life (as opposed to my spiritual inner) is ever going to produce any more than neutral again. I sent out some more reminders yesterday which will no doubt fall on deaf ears but if I do nothing people will just say (as many do) it's my own fault. But either way nothing will happen but at least it feels like I've done my best if I follow up every possibility anyhow. And that includes the area of women, I can't even think of anyone dodgy who's available any more, and as I won't pay for it am at a loss for where the next experience there is coming from. Quality aside I've always got something regularly and the last supply stopped and even that is now producing a lack of service.

At least I've trained myself not to look ahead now, if something needs doing it goes on the list but I don't think to what I'll be doing any further than the next day now as it takes care of itself. Knowing that I know there's enough available to do on my own every day and (which hasn't happened for ages) anyone else arrives it's a bonus. Again I'm not chasing people any more as friends, the available people are like the women I rejected in the past, many are worse than being alone and really only want the right people with me or not at all. Who wouldn't? My only exception is the Indian arranged marriages as most of the women are so attractive I can't imagine being disappointed within a few tries, as not being forced, both have to agree before it goes ahead, they just don't know each other until they meet for a short time before deciding. But besides Asian women the others would be no different from the random selections online which would be no different from the crowd on a train or supermarket. And (as I have been told by many I know), Indian women and thereabouts as a rule don't mix (as in date or marry) outside their own caste, let alone race. I wouldn't even be considered by over 99% of them although they make up almost half the people in my own borough. Total waste basically.

So currently the teacher online turns out enough new videos to keep me busy most days and the understanding is widening and deepening as a result. If someone becomes enlightened none of this crap matters any more and if they even kept up a blog goodness knows what it would be about. But life would go on, only the experience of it would improve. So careers and relationships would continue but wouldn't matter. Best of both worlds.

The chances of any of my attempts last week to provide any more work are probably as much as if I hadn't sent them at all. Plus someone I know sent me a new client who didn't turn up or call to say why. Someone will have a red face sooner or later. I missed a piano lesson once when I was 12 as I was with my girlfriend and got such a bollocking Inever let anyone down again. All the things people do that are wrong (making rude and personal remarks for example) I was taught not to do as a child and that was the end of it. It's very easy and these people who will act like shits the whole of their lives are reasons some lunatics believe in social darwinism. I can be as rude as I like about anything I want as it's just my opinion and free speech, but you don't say it to people directly as you'll gain nothing out of it. You only would do it if either they were the sort of people you can't stand or they did something to you first, and either way nothing will change by calling them names. If someone's an arsehole telling them that won't make them stop, it'll just fall on deaf ears as it's not as if they'd think so is it? So you've wasted your breath and ruined someone's day. A double negative where both parties lose.
As I said when I worked in a shop, always wait till a customer is gone before you slag them off. I'm sure many did the same about me but as long as I didn't hear it it was OK.

So I suppose most of it can be summed up as a total lack of excitement, with no chance of any. It is basically a random pattern of many different threads in life that all came to a stop around the same time. It's still neutral as all the stress has stopped as well, but who could ever say neutral was good enough? Of course nearly all the excitement in the past (there has been some) has come out of the blue, you can't predict any of it, but fruits of previous labours are also supposed to lead to results and even those have now finished with no new starts. And remember I complain here so I don't bore the people I know although not all return the compliment. But we all have to dump our rubbish somewhere.