A week's rubbish

I am beginning to wonder if my 'outer' life (as opposed to my spiritual inner) is ever going to produce any more than neutral again. I sent out some more reminders yesterday which will no doubt fall on deaf ears but if I do nothing people will just say (as many do) it's my own fault. But either way nothing will happen but at least it feels like I've done my best if I follow up every possibility anyhow. And that includes the area of women, I can't even think of anyone dodgy who's available any more, and as I won't pay for it am at a loss for where the next experience there is coming from. Quality aside I've always got something regularly and the last supply stopped and even that is now producing a lack of service.

At least I've trained myself not to look ahead now, if something needs doing it goes on the list but I don't think to what I'll be doing any further than the next day now as it takes care of itself. Knowing that I know there's enough available to do on my own every day and (which hasn't happened for ages) anyone else arrives it's a bonus. Again I'm not chasing people any more as friends, the available people are like the women I rejected in the past, many are worse than being alone and really only want the right people with me or not at all. Who wouldn't? My only exception is the Indian arranged marriages as most of the women are so attractive I can't imagine being disappointed within a few tries, as not being forced, both have to agree before it goes ahead, they just don't know each other until they meet for a short time before deciding. But besides Asian women the others would be no different from the random selections online which would be no different from the crowd on a train or supermarket. And (as I have been told by many I know), Indian women and thereabouts as a rule don't mix (as in date or marry) outside their own caste, let alone race. I wouldn't even be considered by over 99% of them although they make up almost half the people in my own borough. Total waste basically.

So currently the teacher online turns out enough new videos to keep me busy most days and the understanding is widening and deepening as a result. If someone becomes enlightened none of this crap matters any more and if they even kept up a blog goodness knows what it would be about. But life would go on, only the experience of it would improve. So careers and relationships would continue but wouldn't matter. Best of both worlds.

The chances of any of my attempts last week to provide any more work are probably as much as if I hadn't sent them at all. Plus someone I know sent me a new client who didn't turn up or call to say why. Someone will have a red face sooner or later. I missed a piano lesson once when I was 12 as I was with my girlfriend and got such a bollocking Inever let anyone down again. All the things people do that are wrong (making rude and personal remarks for example) I was taught not to do as a child and that was the end of it. It's very easy and these people who will act like shits the whole of their lives are reasons some lunatics believe in social darwinism. I can be as rude as I like about anything I want as it's just my opinion and free speech, but you don't say it to people directly as you'll gain nothing out of it. You only would do it if either they were the sort of people you can't stand or they did something to you first, and either way nothing will change by calling them names. If someone's an arsehole telling them that won't make them stop, it'll just fall on deaf ears as it's not as if they'd think so is it? So you've wasted your breath and ruined someone's day. A double negative where both parties lose.
As I said when I worked in a shop, always wait till a customer is gone before you slag them off. I'm sure many did the same about me but as long as I didn't hear it it was OK.

So I suppose most of it can be summed up as a total lack of excitement, with no chance of any. It is basically a random pattern of many different threads in life that all came to a stop around the same time. It's still neutral as all the stress has stopped as well, but who could ever say neutral was good enough? Of course nearly all the excitement in the past (there has been some) has come out of the blue, you can't predict any of it, but fruits of previous labours are also supposed to lead to results and even those have now finished with no new starts. And remember I complain here so I don't bore the people I know although not all return the compliment. But we all have to dump our rubbish somewhere.