Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Various points

Nothing known to report really, but one point is I've worked out here from presenting my ideas and the feedback that there is nothing wrong with my sanity. Different, yes. Insane, no. Just too sensitive, but that's hardly grounds for certification. That out of the way, what else?

I have certainly had to live within the clear boundaries of the mediocre and mundane. All around the middle, no highs. None. Not for ages. So of course if people can tell then that's the reason why. Less than anyone's fair share. And whatever work I'm not doing now to 'earn it' (old and wrong idea for a start) I have in the past and built up plenty of credit if that scenario was true. I may try another ad for a woman, purely as I will also list my own limitations so it doesn't create a problem waiting to happen. Restaurants are compared to torture chambers and cinemas being buried alive. I have been hundreds of times but have lost the will for some time. Partly I did all this so much (although never enjoyed restaurants) it finished me off, a bit like travelling. Everything I need is here. Travel 10, 20, 50 miles and you just see the same thing over and over again. My suburb, their suburb, another mall etc. Big deal. Just avoid the area codes in London starting with an E and you'll be OK. You know it makes sense.

So within the mediocrity I write trivia quizzes (including a record breaker, 1200 plays in a week), take endless photos (even almost in the dark till next March), do the usual rounds of the family and start again at the beginning. Plus the gym. I really wonder if anything interesting can ever happen, let alone will. The latest person I emailed from the past is beyond the bottom of the barrel. Same name, probably the same person, and no doubt have forgotten me. None have replied so far either, and when I hear from others how they get a message from the past and think 'Oh my god, no way!' and delete it then that's what these fuckers are doing with me. Nice. Whether advertising (again) will be even more of a waste of effort remains to be seen. I've had more trouble from persistent women who won't take no for an answer than those who see me once and run. At least that's one evening tops down the toilet. But when they phone and think because I advertised they have the right to insist on a relationship because they want one is a bloody pain. And never the right one since about 1972. Unless I missed one.

The activities of last week, although slightly productive in that some jobs were eliminated, are not worth remembering let alone reporting. They got me nowhere. Not so many left this week at least, and unlike many times in the past there aren't any old projects I've started that are waiting for results. All gone. No new ones. Just the routine as described above. So I watch people who claim to be aliens, enlightened, talking to aliens and the like as it's better than the shite on TV and easier than reading. I've worked on enlightenment 11 years now since my first lecture, and as far as I know although I now know what they're on about, haven't felt a thing. Well I felt something go different for a second when doing a mantra recently but goodness knows what that was. I think that second was it over 11 years. Now either I am going to become enlightened suddenly with no prior changes, or I'm not going there, so far. Others seem to, and can only trust them. You have to learn the way to discriminate between people talking about the subjective and sort the real from the unreal. We can literally only use intuition as we can't know what others are feeling. Catch 22. If it happened to me I wouldn't care what people thought and would probably not bother to mention it outside that community. Who cares? More so, who understands? They usually can't get meditation, so enlightenment is like another dimension to them. Fine, I'm not doing it for anyone else. My qualifications were for other people, I can't impress myself with them or pay myself, it's so I get money and respect. What else are they for? Getting any degree, even a PhD, does not equal happiness. It helps indirectly but most people I know with a much better hand of cards than me are no happier than those with none.

Well I can only report what is, and add (I'm sure you won't mind) what diver said in his blog, as a fellow agoraphobic. He has both travelled to Egypt and spent a few days on a long road trip, but is still agoraphobic. It's not what we can or can't do, but how we feel being made to do it. Hopefully the ignorant of you who send evil comments may learn something from meeting real agoraphobics instead of quoting a fucking dictionary at me. End of.


diver said...

Hi David. Here's another one of my favourite quotes ...

"I am perfectly content in an environment I spent years creating, and have done enough exploring to find whatever's out there isn't as clever as here. A representative sample of events, countries and other activities, and now my focus is on spiritual development and creation, all of which can be done right here."

You wrote that one in May 2007.

I identify with that, although recognise it also as but a stage of life, time delimited ... things will no doubt change for both of us after we've finished our phases of "spiritual development and creation."

In your case though, it just seems a shit you've gotta do it alone David. Your karma sucks in that regard I think. But like I said, it's surely time delimited. Cheers.

David said...

You're right there on all counts. My next move will probably be to advertise stating all my exact limitations so there will be no chance of catching more than I can handle. There are a few women out there who don't want to go out on the town the whole time if I can only find one.