Wednesday, March 18, 2009

It can go either way today

I had stopped all the spiritual stuff as it had run out but with the new trust in the system, which will have to screw up majorly before I drop my acceptance of it. Now why it would take 49 years before I was allowed this privilege is not clear, except that when things have been held back in the recent past it was to make me get more before I got them. Except I have not got them. I did get more I didn't know about first as I didn't have anything better, but so far, nothing better.

This means there is a growing list of 'nots'. From those I lost in childhood I haven't got back, ever since, and those I am currently attempting to get. Few have died either but the progress is slow enough to leave yawning gaps where I feel I could be wasting time as I run out of things to do. No more old signs left. Wherever they were within reach in 3 months I have reached all if not nearly all of them, so today will probably do a bit of speculative shopping (for things that are probably not available there) locally, one work booking (all week that is) and the rest is only known on the day or just before. That is the downside of all downsides of being alone, as you have no one else to make the journey interesting. If there's nothing to do for most people they talk. I can't.

I emailed 17 local papers with the sign story two asked me for, nothing. Little surprise there. I don't like wasting time but even now for instance I am writing this as there isn't anything else left to do. I end up imagining how nice it would be if something good happened by the end of the day to wipe it out but besides finding the signs already (and an old photo of them yesterday, although not my own), nothing. I don't expect too much. Nearly everyone else isn't alone even if not living with a partner. And even those who are are rarely only children as we are the exception. When our parents die unless we're married or have our own children that's it. And those with partners did not need to earn them by having a job either, the two things are not connected. So that's one fate I was inexplicably given. And the TV and media work is the result of years of activities however little I do now. So besides not being related to effort I don't think success is related to deserving it or much else, you either get it or not with no connection to the reasons others assume are required.

Well today is a good test. I have a clear view ahead (clear of anything worthwhile that is) and you can't have a theory without it being checked. The system can't just start and break down as soon as it's under pressure. Then it's not a system at all. I will see.

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