At the gym

weightlifting 

This is what I do three times a week at the gym, my friend turned up with a camera so now everyone can see.

Barbecue Weekend

Barbecue 1 


Barbecue2 

Following last weekend's series of barbecues, here are a couple of pictures. I'm in the same place in both, only distinguishable by the change of clothes.

Soap opera

The way soaps are written is all the interesting bits of life are strung together and made to cover the whole time, whereas in real life it just carries on normally with the odd interesting bit. The reason I'm saying this is because blogs are another form of soap, but more like reality tv. Unless, like big brother, you deliberately make things happen, it reflects the real stuff which is mainly boring and repetitive, so that's why I tend to go off on any tangent that takes me as there's little about life here to keep a blog going full stop. The art, I suppose, is to try and take whatever you do have and make it as interesting as possible. Of course like every book or tv programme ever written that's going to have a large element of personal taste, but still really needs to be at a minimum level if you expect anyone to actually want to bother reading it very often.

So, the process is normally trying to find interest in the little things, and Kingsbury is a veritable mine of little things, and fuck all else to be honest. Let's see. We have two shopping centres (one some distance away from here), plus one in West Hendon for the hardened bargain hunters (yes, that includes me,)- don't bother about pissing off to France for the day, you could probably make a list and use all the pound shops in West Hendon Broadway, and save more than you ever would in Calais once you'd allowed for the travel savings as well.
The parks I have to say are the business, one reason I live here. I'm surrounded by them on three sides, plus a reservoir and woods, and there's also a garden centre I was at today which has enough to spend an afternoon virtually, since it's added a few extra shops and a cafe and is almost over the road except for the fence which means a long walk round the park to get to it.

When I lived here in the early 60s it was a different community altogether, I was in and out of the neighbours all the time, and everyone in the shops knew your name and vice versa. Actually a fair percentage of the shops were still here thirty years later when I returned, though the people had changed, though I discovered one man in the electrical shop was the boy who used to shout out 'papers!' every evening when we lived here the first time.

Apart from the district, my routine is so bloody predictable that if I included more I'd kill everyone with boredom after a few entries, except a few East Enders viewers who clearly get pleasure from watching televisual manure. My work is self employed and very erratic, since I lost my real job many years ago. The time since was used (among other things) to study up to a level where I could get a proper professional job. The good news was it was a success academically, but the job market in the counselling profession is similar to car mechanics in 1910. The work is required, but the market is so small and specialised the fact that in 2005 every college from Neasden school of community care (fictional) to Oxford and Cambridge (genuine) are running counselling courses, creating thousands of barely employable people. Being (I will be honest) both a very interesting and a bloody easy option, it's flooded by middle class professionals who already in many cases have a fucking good job, and then requalify (usually funded by their local authorities,) where I (or my family) had to pay for myself. They then get a shoe-in from their existing employers, and the few independent students like me are left to apply for the jobs that need to be advertised, but not actually given to, the general public.
Doctors (now no longer given the power to employ us any more) used to pick their friends and refer every patient to a few elite professionals, leaving everyone else locally to fight for the remainder. Now health authorities decide whether counsellors will be assigned to a doctor's practice (don't ask me how), and there are now very few compared to the few years since 1989 when they could choose to employ them directly.

So that's my employment. Till early 2002 my social life was more and more at one friend I'd know for 30 years, and then he upped and moved to America, and I realised I'd stopped seeing all the others and hadn't even noticed it. Soon after I met a girlfriend I was pretty serious about, so after 7 weeks she went down with depression and spent half of the next two years in hospital with no visitors. It was never the same after that though I carried on seeing her up till recently. There was no reason to gossip about her at the time, and not really fair either. The rest of the time is a regular family timetable. Mother, father (separately) and my now famous 95 year old grandma Lily, who would make one of the best ever big brother housemates as well as being far more like Hyacinth Bucket (Bouqet) than any fictional version (she said it before we ever did). There's no other family except my Aunty, who married my late uncle. No brothers, sisters or cousins, only the cat Lucy. I'm not moaning, just laying out the material available to make a blog, and why it has to be taken way way beyond everyday life here.

Of course I have the usual ambitions, the media one being the most talked about on the work side (though it's really for pleasure, the money would be a bonus), and the wish for a girlfriend I actually want to spend all my time with and vice versa. My psychic research has been able to have all the time it needed as well since losing my job, and of course will be the best key to open the media door following the work I've done over the last 15 years in it. Meanwhile I get on the computer and converse with all the intelligent and decent guys around the world who are like the best friends I have here, but further away.

Finally I just saw a small slice of my past on BBC4 last night (don't ask, not many people will have watched it), where Toby Young spoke about his magazine's rise and fall, the Modern Review, and included as a writer the other media success I knew in childhood, Will Self.
Of the two, I knew Toby far more, though I was at school with Will for three years, but two years ahead. But though they both share the profession of writers, and went to Oxford and Cambridge respectively, I didn't actually know they'd worked together though it's what I'd have expected. I hadn't seen either for years, in fact 1972 in Will's case, and I'm sure he won't know me from Adam though I did go to his house a couple of times. So for a moment I almost felt part of something as I saw two old friends on TV together talking about old times. There may be no communities left in London now, but somehow there was a little community last night on TV made up of a little of my past.

Elimination

No, this post isn't about going to the lavatory, it's an unfortunate reference to women from my enquiries. The only good part is there's one left.

There were four to start with, one was taken but from many of the women I know that's not always that important. That was the one I compared to Rose in Dr Who. Well she has just passed a new landmark in her relationship that definitely puts her off limits, not that she was ever really on, but now any fantasy is ended 100%. The second one was the receiver of a speculative email after serially ignoring me for months. There was no obvious reason why a regular communication should suddenly end for no apparent reason (is there ever with women?) and in a few cases it's a completely unrelated reason, but in this case it was clearly personal. The third was a better bet until Jesus Christ the saviour came into the picture. Sorry, no one can compete with such an adversary unless they accept them in their own heart first. Well unless Jesus accepts my open invitation to enter my heart at any time she won't be touching me with a barge pole either, though I'd still welcome Jesus regardless by the spaced-out smiles of those who already have him in their hearts (whatever that means...).

So now it's my platonic friend (not my choice of course). Turned me down already, which increases the odds to about a million to one, but at least she's real compared to the ghost three who wouldn't make an arrangement with me unless I tied a £50 note to my cock and waved it in their faces. The activity chasing keeps me busy, but has no profit to show in my sexual account.

That's about it for the weekend, my inbox is dramatically empty, including all voicemails, and I'd like a female opinion or two if it's really me now- I'll never be a paranoid type but I can see how it can develop now if the same things keep happening for long enough.

Dreaming

Time on my hands, so more time to blog but less to report. Typical catch 22 situation, the exact reason I'm so prone to going off at tangents, as if I was to stick to everyday life to fill out these pages I'd have turned off far more people than the few here I clearly have. But looking at all the other linked blogs around (either by interest or location) they're just a reflection in the variation of people in general, except they all have the internet in common as a hobby, which I've found sets us apart from most.

So as this was never meant to be a literary project I can't apologise for whatever I write, or plan any of it in advance as it's a stream of consciousness. One few of us could present in a one sided conversation, and if we wrote it anywhere else would never be read. So petty minded wankers who horn in on others areas just to make the sort of comments I last heard in primary school from individuals who are probably now in prison are not justified in taking advantage of the chance to have an unopposed pop at anyone they feel like having a go at. I'd like to see them dare to come out with just one comment like that to someone in person, they'd be spread across the opposite wall in most cases so they never would.

Back to today. I do wonder how easy it is for the people we write about to identify themselves if they read it, and then become offended? It turned out the first person I highlighted here hadn't read it, and wasn't even offended, I was just worried she may have been. Then when I moved onto a second person my attention was focused on for a while, I expect had she read the highly complimentary things I'd written about her she'd probably be like most Brits and go red and run away. Well, run away she did, but she didn't know I had a website, so it was clearly one of the million possible other reasons women run away from me. The third woman is half my age (or younger), has a boyfriend, a totally different background from me, but in reality still has more about her that attracts me than many who appear suitable on paper. Woody Allen makes a career of seducing much younger and less 'priviliged' females, there is something of the father figure that turns on a few more daring women who are less satisfied with men of their own age and would like to learn from someone far more experienced. OK, Woody Allen's a star and worth billions, as was Dudley Moore who admittedly had so much talent women would always have been interested in him. But look at some of the models he pulled, thirty years younger and almost a foot taller. Not to mention Rod Stewart...

So, putting the pieces together, if I was on TV, rich, famous and probably married (being unavailable is always one of the biggest turn-ons for women) this one or a similar one may even leave their outgrown boyfriend and give me a try. There ends my dream of the day. I will say that despite the reality is she is a lovely girl I think a lot of, we'll never be more than passing aquaintances with a couple of similar interests. Books and films are fantasies, and the stories don't happen in the real world unless the man is a star of some description.

My 'arranged marriage' formula is always on the back burner though, meaning I'd be prepared to jump into marriage with any woman I know on the 'approval list'. I have learnt that even the ones you know for months or more usually turn out to have annoying traits as well, I can only think of one off the top of my head who probably never would, but basically every woman I can think of would probably get on my nerves sometimes eventually. Not knowing much about someone, therefore, is no reason things would go wrong as if the basic elements are there it has a good foundation. Speed dating will probably allow many more people to learn how to pick the important qualities they need quickly like I do, and may cut many corners in long and winding dating routes as a result. I meet people from time to time who tested this with great success, with long marriages behind them to prove it. It's about spotting if you fit, and this is far less about discovering things gradually, but knowing what you're looking for and being able to recognise it easily. I was taught by an expert partially to be able to do this, which is why I'm passing it on here. Younger people have the privilege of time to let things take their course in whatever time it takes, but over 40 or so you ought to know yourself well enough to cut out much of the game playing and commit as soon as you want to.

If I had no shame at all I'd love to name and describe everyone on my list now. Maybe having a specific website for every single person to name every person they are interested in, where other singles can look by name, and then if they're on someone's list they can either run a mile (as mine do) or go for it. As most people are too shy or embarrassed to pursue others directly, and often there isn't always an opportunity, such a site would break every rule of current etiquette, but may also be responsible for a few decent relationships. Just a thought, remember today's theme is dreaming and these are mine. Could be bollocks but at least I like them.

Decent weather

Wow, the heat's lasted a whole week! I think if we normally had weather like this far fewer people would go abroad for holidays as so many say that's the only reason they go- the actual places are nothing special in many cases, and maybe they'd make better and cheaper hotels here if everyone wanted to stay here instead. Ours are both among the world's most expensive, and certainly the seaside hotels are the worst I've ever been to. Even a crummy backstreet dive in France, when our usual place was full, is like a top guest house in Kensington or Chelsea which would charge an arm and a leg. As for America, besides charging the sort of prices you'd expect more in India or Thailand, their basic motels are like our six star palaces (I believe a couple exist) and their five star hotels are what most people would expect from the description had they not gone there, but if went in England would find a Victorian villa with equivalent plumbing and decoration or a glorified holiday camp, only managing the stars due to the facilities and not the surroundings.

These American places (I've been to quite a few so I know it's the norm) have heated pools, games rooms, fantastic rooms and 24 hour restaurants. Our dumps have mealtimes, usually up to 2 hours per meal, with very rare facilities for those who arrive outside those hours. I have seen our motels in cities improve, but are made for businessmen, and few are in places anyone would actually go for a holiday. If you go to an English resort it's the one place you can step back in time, not to nostalgia, but the middle ages. You almost expect people to call 'gardez loo!'out in the streets, heavy on either side with vast Victorian edifices, where at least twenty years ago many bedrooms still had chamber pots under the bed and one actual bathroom per corridor. If Hitler or John Prescott (the two names fit together incredibly well actually) had bombed the holiday resorts instead of Coventry and Plymouth, it may have been possible to build some of the modern blocks you find just about everywhere else abroad but only in cities over here. Nobody's going to sunbathe outside the Holiday Inn in Brent Cross, or the new Travelodge in Edgware High Street however nice the actual buildings are inside. Having said that, in America they build top resort hotels everywhere. The best I ever stayed in was the Washington Hilton.


Washington Hilton 

Of course the June weather was just like it is now, in the 80s and sunny, but the pool and garden area, set right in the middle of America's capital, could have been in the best part of any rich city on earth. It was impossible to tell you were even in a city, the gardens covered up all outside views, and DC has no tall buildings anyway, all planned and designed to look like a serious capital should (compare the shithole they call the City of London, worth billions and almost unchanged in 600 years). I can just imagine contracting lung cancer in a three day holiday opposite the Bank of England (If such a hotel existed). So unfortunately the usual weather and facilities from one end of this country to the other mean it tends to be a far better bet to piss off to some sterile, mass produced concrete jungle on the Med, surrounded by the sort of people that get on Big Brother and worse, barely a word of English spoken otherwise, and germs literally to die for... It's no wonder I stopped bothering to go some years ago. The choices just weren't there either way. But I'm on holiday now, in and around Kingsbury. All I need is the pool and games room, and a few people to play table tennis with and it would be perfect.

Assorted dross

A fairly busy weekend for a change, mainly due to it being the annual barbecue season, two in as many days, plenty of people I knew but alas no single women... I did get a promise by one person to ask around on my behalf, if enough people look one may unearth someone to meet eventually.

My friends from last week's news of course are now back in Florida after a short stay in Finchley, and the official line is it's a permanent move. As the future isn't actually written in stone I won't give up all hope quite yet.

Otherwise it's all little bits and pieces. I've been spreading the enlightenment word in the gym, as a couple of people there were already on that path and were very pleased to get my pointers to new teaching, and my only wish now is not only is the teachers' enlightenment a true state, but the practices I use do lead to it somehow. I have stopped looking though, I've found a method I'm happy with and I won't be searching any more.

Filming is going well on the TV programme, they really got well into the alien abduction scenario, they've been adding scenes to the original reconstruction all month so my part really appears to have been a success. I've started painting again after buying some cards of the area I used to live, and discovering there weren't any of the part I lived in. Here's my offering to fix that.


Hampstead Garden Suburb 


It's been hot here for the last few days, it's my preferred climate so I'm only too happy summer's here at last. No outdoor pools or beaches for miles, so the garden will probably have to do for now...
So currently it's pretty quiet, whether anything I've done recently will lead to any results remains to be seen. I know if records were kept 99.9% of all attempts or starts made on any project evaporate, and usually if anything major does happen it's not from anything I've done but out of the blue from an outside source.

Friday 1.50 am

I wonder what could have influenced the title today (hint, it's Big Brother time again...). Yes, well. Very little to report from Kingsbury today, I will say I discovered the child who posted shit on here was actually someone different from the regular person, so I apologise for accusing the usual person. I'm quite happy to admit if I make a mistake. The person who did undoubtedly copy the previous one (it was only their previous comments rehashed, hence the confusion on my part) is no doubt of the same mentality of reading the papers in order to recreate the most original mugging they come across as well. Never mind, I can live with that.

Anyway, I seem to be getting a point at least as I said before. I was becoming one of the least tolerant people of stress in the bloody universe, and something had to happen to teach me to handle it as it wasn't going to go away on its own. And one thing the merry troll did get right (it wasn't difficult to discover it really) was tablets have been my best (and only) defence to it in the past. In fact many of the nicest people I know have been on the same or similar ones to me, so judging people just because they can't handle some of the hellish aspects of life is pretty sad, especially as it's the very people who judge that are actually responsible for many of the hellish conditions. For example, Charlie Wolf on Talk Sport is a reasonably decent and intelligent person, but his culture (American) and personality (workaholic) have combined to make some of his views (considering he preaches a few days a week on national radio) pretty dangerous. He seems to believe people who are only prepared to work 9 to 5 are wimps. Well, if he did his maths and looked at history he'd realise people do the sort of hours he thinks are right is either because their employers force them to (yes, they still do despite an attempt to rein it in by Europe) or they work for themselves and are bloody greedy, which is their own choice, but I'm sure (just as I did) their children suffer. And when we had the three day week production was at it's most efficient as people didn't need to piss around half the time to fill in the long hours and break the utter boredom. That's just the first example I could think of, but primitive attitudes tend to collect together, so this goes with anger, revenge, hate and all the other unnecessary crap people have as children that can be trained out of them in most cases, as proved by Buddhists for a start.

Having a record to compare with I can state that all these attributes are needless, and only make your life worse if you have them in it. It makes those around you's life worse, but ultimately your own, as anyone decent they know will eventually drop them, and hopefully eventually they'll come across someone just like them but worse (eg school bullies) who will do exactly to them what they do to others, but more professionally. Luckily these people are a minority really, but make so much noise and disturbance it's like a tornado, rare but disastrous when it hits you. I never believed I'd be going on the internet to teach adults manners like three year olds, but when they continually behave like that, then I may as well pass on what I have to say about it. I know I may waffle like an idiot here at times, I explained half the point is for my own benefit to let it out- living alone I have little opportunity to vent gradually as most people do, so it just all comes out here periodically (as with many others). But anyone who doesn't like it and uses the easy chance to be rude to a complete stranger because they can get away with it is so pathetic it speaks for itself.

I read dire stuff on the net every week, as we all do who frequent this territory, but if it's that bad I either avoid it in future or more frequently find it pretty entertaining and come back. But anyone who uses the loophole of a free insult to let it all hang out needs far more therapy and probably psychiatric treatment than I ever will. And a whacking big kick up the arse. At least.

Fitting together?

Possibly, just possibly, there is a pattern in everything that's happening around me. Basically I've discovered I'm far too sensitive to literally everything. So what's been happening? Little events have been repeating themselves until I react to each type differently. I needed it.

I had various fears of consequences, physical attacks and similar, other disasters which are in fact very unlikely but my mind came to expect the worst, and it was time I dumped as much of it as possible. I am now noticing when one comes in and training myself to react differently to each, until it both becomes a habit, and hopefully covers it all without any exceptions.

I have felt I had a lot to lose in the past, but technically I appear to have got this far, clearly what I fear has rarely come into my reality, and when it has was rarely close to what I expected. So I have just realised there was a point to it all, and have shifted as a result of getting that point.

I have read these events are actually designed to teach us rather than just be the wasps at the picnic with no function but to aggravate as they seem on the surface. The main spiritual teachers go a step further by saying it's all a dream and like a dream, it's all me, nothing else. If you realise you're dreaming while asleep you may not wake up, but instantly realise nothing's real, there's nowhere really to go and no one else there as it's all taking place in your own consciousness. Well the spiritual (for want of a better word) view is this waking life is the same. Therefore every coincidence and awareness of things we shouldn't expect to be aware of make sense if we view it as a script written by ourselves, only to forget we wrote it until we start picking up the clues when the time to wake up grows nearer. Whether we write a teacher into the dream to appear to tell us to wake up, as many do, or find it out in other ways, once we've used up the unconscious dream the time comes to move on to the full awareness of our true nature as the 'big I', ie everything.

Of course, by accepting this, I also accept I'm only writing this to myself, but until we wake up I have to stay in the dream whether I'm aware it's a dream or not. So though, if enlightened I'd realise there was no one else out there to know, somehow it's still part of the plan to awaken more apparent others out there as that's how the system works. It's beyond the mind's logic here, but this teaching transcends anything the mind can handle, but somehow rings true at a deeper level. It's been said almost unanimously by teachers for thousands of years, and why would such a consistent point be made by so many if it was wrong?

As I have no experience of this state of unity myself, I am only repeating what I've learnt from teachers I consider honest and sincere, and have no reason to fabricate any of this. They often have these experiences prior to any learning, and have to go and search for an explanation after something's happened rather than just being given an inspiring idea and becoming it through suggestion. But events such as the coincidences, followed by the chances for personal growth I've been given recently do imply a much different story to life than the one science offers. And anyone who question how you can create a dream as complex as life, what about some of the experiences you call actual dreams? Would you believe you could create those scenarios and experiences had you not just lived through them while asleep? Certainly not in my own case.

Is it me?

Well, things don't stay frozen for ever, my friend Peter who left for the States over 3 years ago is finally back for a short visit, and I saw him for the first time on Wednesday, after regular visits to see him for many of the previous 30 years before he left.

Apart from that, I have been wondering, particularly after discussing stress on a new forum where they let you speak freely, whether my clearly unhealthy mental condition is more from the outside circumstances than just my own genetic malformations. Clues are that I did used to be pretty happy most of the time in the past, unless there was a good reason not to be. And when I was presented with a few months off between exams when everyone else was still working I did get pretty fed up as well. I suspect isolation could be one of the worst factors in causing stress symptoms, and unlike overwork where (except for the financial repercussions) you can just cut down or bail out altogether, isolation means chasing around hoping to find social activities that are an improvement on all the harmless but dull things you learn to do alone to keep occupied (yes, including blogging). But just as when I saw friends as a child, at the end of the day we had to go home to our separate places. Being an only child I felt I could only borrow people my own age where nearly everyone else had them around all the time, fighting or not. It's the same now, whoever I manage to see during the day is only temporary. It's someone around all or a lot of the time that's the key to my major trouble, and that really isn't down to effort, intelligence or strategy. It's a chance result of so many factors, one of which may be intention followed by effort. But really that's such a small part it's probably no better than just meeting someone by chance and it taking off naturally.

Yes, you can suck up small ads online and elsewhere like a hoover, telling hundreds of strangers your interests and history, they may even phone you, in my case either sounding like someone I'd never have spoken to normally, or in a couple of cases that they don't want to meet anyone despite investing in an advert. Conversely I recently met a woman who's nothing like what I'd look for generally, but as I had to cross her path regularly got to know her anyway, and soon forgot her average looks (as I was recently described myself) and found a really nice personality. Apart from the major role Jesus has in her life (primary in fact) it may have led somewhere. But I had no say in meeting her, she was introduced into my life regardless. That's been the case ever since I became too old for the normal dating scene where we went to a disco once or twice a weekend, eyed up every girl there and worked our way through asking them to dance until (maybe once every ten places) I got lucky. Then I'd take their phone number, and if they didn't regret it the next day would then start dating until one or both of us found we had little in common.

Of course there were other ways to meet, but apart from holidays, where the downside is they could live anywhere in the world, the numbers were insignificant. Meeting people through friends and family was the next best way, and is now the best, as the other two aren't really going to work at my age. Of course I can confirm that by having gone to a disco or two a year until I was nearly 40, each one I realised why I'd stopped. Unfortunately apart from the recycled women who had just got divorced and were back after a period out of commission, the remainder could be divided in two. One was the obvious appearance reason they were single, equally applying to the men of course though that didn't concern me, and the ones who looked OK soon turned out to be mentally challenged as soon as you spoke to them. The full spectrum was there from simple immaturity to genuine insanity. Yes, they thought the same of me I'm sure, but at least I didn't keep going there regularly like most of them did. It was the same rough bunch just as it was 30 years ago, when if there was actually a party in Greater London the phones would start ringing until hundreds of people had the address and arrived en masse anywhere within a 30 mile radius of London to descend on some poor bugger who had just invited maybe 25 people to their 18th birthday party. Amazingly, with a few exceptions, I always got in, and a few I was even invited to officially.

The major problem was that because of the apparent proportional lack of activities compared to teenage population, the same people followed the parties around so after a year or two it was very rare to see more than a few new people at each party. The social market therefore got used up by the time I graduated in 1984 and thought I'd have the time to really get stuck in, only to find the same people at a do I'd seen there a few years earlier. By then most of the others were paired up only leaving the hard core to continue following the few arrangements left for the over 25s.

Maybe I can write an academic paper on this, I've certainly exhausted all the avenues available myself, and though London is an exception in that it doesn't really have local communities that focus on a small area where it's impossible not to know where the single women are and get to know them, would still apply in any other city this size. This means there are plenty of single women in London, probably within a couple of miles of me which includes a few who may be just right. But as it's London we'll never meet. By the way, anyone who goes to pubs regularly is so unlikely to be my type I think I can rule that route out. I tried it once (OK, my friends did as I stood by getting more and more embarrassed) and I could see then by their combined enthusiasm and guts to go and do it, combined with their total lack of ability and maturity, it wasn't worth trying again. In the end my only hope is if I finally crack the media world, which is slowly happening, they are an incestuous bunch who are very free to socialise with their own, and continually mix and match regardless of their marital status. Who knows, I may even make it with someone from Big Brother- especially if it's Becki Seddiki from Big Brother 5 who I briefly met last year, and was looking for someone at the time. And a psychologist, what more could I want?

By the way, I've heard every possible insult on my dating history here by now. It's really not worth adding any more. It's repetitive and makes myself and every other reader of the blog (people have told me) feel sick, and just makes you look like a sad and bitter bitch.

Oh boy, not again...

I wasn't even intending to write anything today, but as I had to pay a visit anyway, I couldn't miss opening the little box.

Well, the scourge of writers everywhere has hit Kingsbury, the hate mail. Well, in one sentence, I may be all sorts of inadequate, but in all my 45 years I've never sent or never will send hate mail. I hope that says it all.

Other than that, I have nothing new to report (hence lack of intention to write...), but every experience including the deep shit seems to give a little opportunity to reflect, and freedom of speech is designed to allow me and everyone on earth with access to a computer to write what they bloody well like, and the opportunity to choose what to read. If I didn't like it I'd avoid a blog again, and that's it. So there's some sort of reason to return whatever the intent. In this occasion I'd prefer not being read though.

My dating problems (to reply to issues raised) boil down to one formula. I know exactly what I like, and get more or less the opposite. I've spelt it out in detail already, but basically I've had as many offers as I've probably made, and being male have tested nearly all before rejection. On the other side, a number of women I've tried have given me a test run before letting me go, where in some cases I would have been happy to marry them. I've had at least five women hint/propose to me. I really can't understand how as soon as I decide a woman's right for me she goes off me. I don't exhibit that much dribbling, fawning and all the other no-nos men tend to do when the sap rises (I meant 'dick' there). And to be honest, I more write to entertain myself and it's a bonus if anyone else actually reads any of it as well. It clarifies my thoughts and allows me to release a bit of steam every few days and is not meant to be a literary effort. As a bonus I've met a number of very nice and decent bloggers (you guys know who you are) and the sort of stuff I write about is typical as one of a few most popular subjects for blogs. What else is there to write about besides life?
There are special interest blogs which are fine as far as they go, but only appeal to people with the same interests. But we all share similar workings, so can relate to every human being on earth more or less if they just relate their everyday life.

So I have a formula/curse in my life about women. So I write about it. If I decided to leave it out I'd write about something else, but the answer is it doesn't matter what I write, it's who's writing it that is targeted regardless of the content. I know what I did to get the punishment, but enough is enough. It's getting truly pathetic and no one is impressed and I hate wasting my time replying at all to it.

Days off

Well, for the first time for ages I've had a whole week free. The balance is I had literally nothing interesting to do specifically either, so have just sat here taking each moment as it comes.

Many little bits of house/garden work have now been done, the weather was good enough to have tea in the garden a couple of times, and apart from the usual family visits I've hardly been anywhere or seen anyone. It's been relaxing though, after last month's chaos I really needed it. The patience of a saint is gradually becoming a reality, as a contrast to my nature of wanting everything now, I've actually got nothing now. To a Buddhist this a sign of enlightenment, but to a suburban Jew with a mild persecution complex it's what it says. Seriously, what I actually mean is that timing of events is really not in our control. We can make arrangements of sorts, but have no guarantee they'll be what we wanted, and definitely not with who we choose, unless they choose it. I'll never actually be totally idle though. Not earning money and not doing anything useful are not the same thing. Many things people do to earn money are a total waste of time, such as selling things to people they don't need, or stealing money from the public in the form of congestion charges. At least I help people and I learn things when I'm not working. If I can pay the bills then I get away with the lack of paid work. If I can't then I'll have to deal with it if the time comes.

I'd rather have things dead quiet than most recent alternatives. I do get incredibly bored at times, but that's because I'm living alone and I wasn't designed for that. I recently met a woman my sort of age and single who seems to like doing the same sort of things, ie like a cat. She seems pretty content, far more than me, sitting and reading or watching TV on her own most of the time, I'm quite relieved people like that do exist as the majority still seem to be doing all the things I did until my late 20s, going to shows, eating out (I never really liked that though), travelling and the like. Any woman I do meet may or may not want to do some of these things and most expect me to join in. I will up to a point, but to a minimum. I don't think this one would but I may be wrong as I've never seen her in a dating situation. I don't know or care technically how few other people have calmed down almost to the point of hibernation, except for the potential women I meet who would prefer to be active. Who knows, maybe my years of meditation are working in a way I didn't predict, calming me down so much I don't need to be active any more. I suspect it's my nature combined with advancing years, but the other view is a lot nicer!

Well, if there are any other sloths out there please let me know, I did hear one call the radio a few weeks ago and felt very encouraged I wasn't totally alone. I've always seemed to stand out on the fringes for some reason, and as long as I had a small group of people around who understood me I wouldn't mind. But remember I write this at a stage in my life. The further back you go the more I did. But I've shifted into a gear now that suits me fine, but would obviously be better if there was a twin soul to share it with. Meanwhile I just take each moment as it comes which is probably a step in the right direction.

Wednesday's summary

Things are fairly balanced at the moment. Nothing nasty around (for a change) though few specific projects to keep me usefully occupied either. Since the last post a few little events have happened, some to me plus the great news France rejected the European Constitution, hopefully to be followed by the Netherlands tomorrow. If common sense has finally taken over in the minds of 'Greater Europe' I can only say hallelujah, and it's better now than never. Melanie Phillips is even more cynical than me (but far better educated, so I bow to her greater knowledge), and says they'll get it through regardless, but I would counter that once the people wake up, the bastards trying to pull the strings will no longer be able to put them to sleep again. We'll see who's right.

I also found yet another 'lost' post from my first week in Funtrivia back in 2000, due to a series of clerical errors on the computer I'd completely lost track of my original membership there, and only found it again a year ago after finding a notebook with the URL written down. As it was so old it hadn't been left on the main site so couldn't be found without using the archive machine, which at times turns out better stuff than the current internet pages. Anyone not familiar with Funtrivia will be losing me by now, but as I spend the majority of my internet time there and have linked it from my profile, there's no excuse for anyone curious not to simply go and look. By typing trivia in most search engines, they always come number one in the results.

Other than that I've read a wonderful piece in a catalogue I use for spiritual books, which has taken me a step closer to realising my true nature. It basically said that human beings (as we believe ourselves to be) can never reach any goals we set by natural or supernatural means, as we weren't meant to. Once we hand the power over to a higher level, we relax and let go of all feeling of responsibility for attempting to make life better, and just let it be. Then a higher consciousness, our true nature, can take over. Believe me, simple things like this can change you if you believe them intuitively. Anyone wanting to learn more, read John Randolph Price.

Finally (deperately dragging my memory for recent events), the little female issue has, along with all others since 2002 (new ones anyway) evaporated, basically I think a woman either becomes a girlfriend within a few days after you meet her or not at all. Anyone you meet, pursue and possibly become friends with has never amounted to anything more as far as I remember (without looking up my little book...). The news is the same usually, when the papers go on for weeks something is going to happen it hardly ever does, but you wake up with a sudden headline when something massive does happen. The war in Iraq, on the face of it, seems to be an exception, as it was hyped for a few years before it finally happened. But like the Catherine wheel that finally lights after the 5th attempt and then goes backwards a few times before going out with a raspberry, the war in Iraq turned out, as my friend Jon taught me to say, to be a right abortion. Little of the apparent reasons for it seemed to have been dealt with, oil has increased dramatically so those who blame oil for the war should ask what benefits we've gained from pushing the price to double what it was. Saddam Hussein may have been a typical third world murderous dictator, but he wasn't threatening me, so all I can say is if that's a reason to go to war, why stop at him? And finally the country now seems in a far worse state than it was before, apart from the fact the killing is now being done by lunatics rather than the government. This wasn't about Iraq, but rather than be asked to justify my opinion later those are the main reasons for it.

But relating back to life in Kingsbury, I am close to the stage of forgetting what a girlfriend is for, and have totally given up any attempts to get one, as they make no difference to the results. I meet people from time to time, and if one of them is female and single, que sera sera. But go and look, unless you live in a country with singles bars, the American equivalent of going to Marks and Spencer's for clothes lined up in different sizes and colours, forget it, such a place is not in the British Isles as far as I know. Putting my wedding tackle on the line yet again, I have another little story on those lines where I'll have to be incredibly careful a person won't recognise herself. As she doesn't apparently read this I think I'll get away with it, though all I am about to say is highly complimentary it is still probably highly embarrassing for the woman in question.

The story starts with the current series of Dr Who. Bear with me, there's method in my madness. The actor playing the Doctor is a couple of years younger than me, the actress playing Rose, the goblin-featured Billie Piper probably a few years younger than the lady in question. With me so far? Currently there is a growing sexual tension between Rose and the Doctor, though in true British style the writers will wimp out of having a full (or quarter) on affair between a teenager and a man her late father's age. Certainly not on a kids' programme. Anyway. Rose has already dumped her original boyfriend, who is very similar to my own subject's one (not chucked though...). The Doctor has introduced Rose to a whole new world of travel through time and space, and I am doing what I can to help this person in her spiritual journey, as she had begun before I met her. It only started fitting together in the last episode that the three of us in so many ways reflected Rose, the Doctor and Micky, the ex, that I realised how similar the situations were. I suspect the Doctor 'would' at the drop of a hat, (though in his world he's actually 900 years old), though I can't see Rose having any of it. But the dancing scene pushed them one step closer to shared intimacy than before, and after a few drinks anything could now happen, though regretted the next day.
Goodness knows in reality if my woman (I'll have to invent a name for her) realises a light comes on every time I see her, and has ever since I saw her the first time. She's as far from my normal type as Rose is from the Doctor, totally opposite backgrounds and ages, but once we meet discover we do have a lot of interests in common behind the surface.
Now at my age time is running out, and I've been looking for long enough to both know what I want, and prepared to take a chance on anyone whose qualities include a few major good ones, and overlook all the others. Arranged and rushed weddings I've seen have shown time is no factor in assuring a good marriage, however long you've known someone before proposing has little effect on the quality of the marriage. So I would be happy to jump into a marriage with any of 100 women I know now (if they were single of course) as it could only be a million per cent improvement on now, even with a few holes in it. The wrong women piss me off so intensely or bore me it wouldn't take long to spot that so would never get close to being on the list. Others, sadly, have wonderful personalities but look so average I know each time I had sex it would be worse until I went off them altogether. Being a typical man I've been up this path so many times by taking what's on offer that I could never impose it on myself for life. I do know two such women now at least, and either would be good company, one is wild and interesting, the other calm and relaxing to be with. Neither are bad looking, but not good either. And of course I bet they're the ones who 'would' as well, partially as I don't care and partially because that's what usually happens.
The unnamed one (a good enough name) is actually gorgeous, not as gorgeous as many where I know her from in comparison, but so way over the pass level the fact there are a few others above makes little difference in feeling I'd missed out on someone better had I really got somewhere. That's a comment made purely from experience and knowing myself well enough to know what works and what doesn't. Her education is probably equal to my cat's, her social background somewhere beneath my cat's, but my reaction to her is hardly affected by this if at all. That's probably just her environment and in her heart there's actually an angel, which is what I am reacting to, and all the stuff on the surface that could easily put me off is just now part of her. So the bottom line is (inspired by reading a similar situation happening to a top reiki master, who's still married) if I was asked to marry her now, I'd say yes. Faults, differences, possible problems, brothers with weapons (aimed at me), family recriminations, age differences, educational chasm, apparent lack of conversation and shared interests etc etc., I'd do it. For after reeling off all the faults, every time I looked round I'd see the same incredible person I noticed from 50 feet away the first time I saw her, and my heart jumps every time I catch her walking past me, and this has been consistent for months now, and is growing (only on my side of course). This transcends every fault and detail, and if she did feel the same way would confirm it was the right thing to do, as she'd be aware of it as well. As there's no relationship in my life really, at least I can wax a bit poetic about one I'd jump into for life given a chance, as it's a little escape to the realms of fantasy, which is the only place I'll find a relationship at the moment.