Assessment

Due to circumstances, I was forced to assess my own situation accurately for the first time. It's actually quite different to what I thought, as certain people focussed so much on the negatives that I assumed they were the case, plus as I hadn't had an understandable assessment of my anxiety state I discovered I'd blown it into one beyond what it actually was.
So I can now at least judge what I have been like up till now, I didn't have agoraphobia, but because I couldn't (while on medication) do maybe 10-15% of what I could before I had it I had over judged myself as I wanted to be able to do literally everything. Why? Because everyone else seems to and I wanted to keep up with them, especially if a new woman in my life wanted me to. Before the medication I was maybe 30% unable to do things at times, which was still far from agoraphobia as I can now see that's about 80% plus, god forbid. Sure, I have those tendencies, and compared to everyone else I felt agoraphobic, but now I know.

On the positive side, the only gap (for others, not me) in my life was not having a regular job. Big fucking deal. I always felt just a bit embarrassed even though I'd applied for 450 or so jobs and was signed off by three doctors. I live alone, I look after myself, and I have the odd girlfriend (both meanings apply).
I just saw an incredible programme tonight about men over 30 living at home, and that was almost how I saw myself, though I left at 32 I had my own flat from 28, I just didn't stay there much. But leaving home to be married doens't count for me, which most men used to do pre 1970. You just replace one woman with another. Living alone is as tough at times as any full time job, and I bet some people who look down on those who don't work would fall apart if they had to look after themselves. I've done it for 13 years with no sign of remission, most of the time it's normal, and only becomes tough in a crisis nowadays. Thank god after about 4 goes I found a place I liked living in, and have now had 10 years in Kingsbury, as I loved the place we lived till I was 5 and moved to an identical house over the road. Clever stuff. Not planned, I was moving to a tiny box in Putney worth £10,000 more and the people realised I'd beaten them down too far and pulled out, leaving me having sold my house and nowehere to go unless I bought in about 6 weeks.

As it was, I was allowed to store my things at work, and though I had to pay to move twice, to store at work and then take it to Kingsbury, I only had to stay with my Dad for just over 2 weeks as Kingsbury was a lot cheaper than Putney and I didn't know one other area I knew I could afford. It worked out well. After 5 years I'd converted the loft to a huge bedroom and toilet en suite, with room for a double bed, small built in cupboard, my keyboard and chests of drawers. My old bedroom is now my office and where I sit now, surrounded by my museum of collected cars, pictures and books. My few clients usually say how relaxing it is both in here and the area in general, as we're away from any main roads and surrounded by parks. Though if I had the money I'd return to my old haunt where I lived for 28 years, it may be more sensible to stay here regardless as I may earn bugger all for the rest of my life.

So, I think I more or less know where I stand now. I have been pretty hard on myself, encouraged by the odd friend or acquaintance who like to dwell on what people can't do as well as what they can, and started to want to be normal like most other people. Except for never wanting to work full time again, as I was unable to find anything after leaving college and now could only work those hours from home if anyone offered it. In fact I am just in a situation beyond my own plans, one many other people must be in and basically only able to use the tools I have, not perform the impossible. Trying to be and do what you're not is a waste of time. It's like going to an art gallery, going home, trying to paint an identical picture and then feel like shit about yourself as you can't. I get all the basics done, and would be wasting my time trying to become another person to shine in the areas I don't. Like cooking or working more. I also now realise when the other friends said I did do a lot and was good at many things they were right. The fact I can't earn a fucking p from it yet will only matter practically if I need the money desperately, and technically if someone does pay me to do it. Well, actually I can earn fairly good money from playing the piano, I just found it too stressful, so even that's one area I just chose not to exploit. I can (and do) paint till the cows come home, I just fixed my drawing pen, but two shops had all the ink colours except the one people use in it, black.
Nick Roach's book has just come out today, I believe if most people in the 'seekers' area read it it ought to clarify all their confusion as it did for mine.
Nick's book. I hope it goes as well as I think it should do, he's one in many.