Dead quiet

Yes, suddenly this evening, maybe after the football where England won for a change, nothing happened. And since then it carried on happening. I was going for a walk to break the pattern but it was raining, there was a programme on TV for half an hour, and that was it. I'm off for my earliest night in years simply as I've run out of things to do, and have some really dodgy jobs to do over the next few days I can't start now as it's too late.

Anticlimaxes after little triumphs of good news are probably inevitable living alone, as whatever happens you return to the desert every night indefinitely. Plus all my 'good news' is in the future, and unfortunately I'm starting to either avoid or not have time for the shit jobs I have to do and they're only going to pile up and bite me in the arse if I let them for too long. Like the cat's fleas...
I do have a picture about to start drawing when I have nothing else to do, but as said, the pen I need is knackered and I have to drive 20 miles or so to fix it. I've also, as usual, mislaid a number of useful items in the house, and having a cleaner who speaks no English (a shame, as there are a few things I'd like to ask her, including the obvious), it's not just me that hides things. The house would be a rubbish tip without a cleaner, it's full from top to bottom and it's a job to hide the excess junk which is too much for the existing storage space. I am trying to thin it all out now, and buying no new items ever again as I have everything I need after a ten year stretch in the same house.

So, rather than go straight to bed and maybe go to sleep, though as it's a couple of hours earlier than usual it may not occur, I had to pop in and write, something like pillow talk but without the partner. Believe me, I have done some bloody useful things recently, mainly as my work is very useful by its nature, but it has actually helped people in a very measurable way and I know how some counsellors haven't helped them and others where I have. Not so much saying how good I am, but how mediocre some others are, and how good our training was. We were taught we have the tools to handle every problem, which is true. Not many colleges would say that to their students but if they teach them enough to do that, then it'll be the case. Added to that everything I do for my older family members, which I believe is every person's duty as if we don't we can't rely on anyone else to do it for them, or for us. It's a mutual need, and I know they do the same for me when I need it. But so many families don't, so it's not a given. But as for today, amusing myself can't have no limits. Fine, if I had a job, the rarer free time would be saved up so I had lots waiting to do in it, but my job record has already been given here and whatever forces were in operation, me and a regular job were fated not to happen for a long time now, and I'm not going to care about accusations of avoiding it, as I know that's not how it happened.

That's just how I've ended up, and the benefits have far outweighed the disadvantages. I'm not bored as I'm not working, I'm bored because I'm alone. I'm not useless as I'm not working, I've studied and created so much since I had nothing else to do that I very much doubt I'd ever have had a media presence had I been working. How could I write articles till 4am if I had work the next day? The only stage yet to occur is earning money from these creations, but there's no rush. Being used is what I want, that's advertising and then I'll see if I get any bites. And until something is shown on TV or published, I'll carry on turning out more while I do have the time. So if I wasn't alone and my mental and physical health was better than it is I'd have a pretty good life. I can only say this as I spent my more active years qualifying and earning so I can now have an umbrella for what has been my own rainy day. I prepared as if it may happen so now it has I am prepared and handling it as best I can. And if I wasn't alone I know my mental health would pick up, as if I'm busy my mind can't flood me with negativity as easily as it does with no competition. I know it's there, it's been there for years and it's not that much of a surprise considering some of the circumstances. But I was born sensitive and I know what shakes others for a day or so can set me back for ages. But I also doubt they can operate at such a level I can intellectually and creatively. By 45 if you don't both know your strengths and weaknesses but can also admit to both without embarrassment you probably never will. And my talents are rarely self-proclaimed, I'd only dare to claim a talent once someone else who knows has said it is. Self praise is no praise, as we all know, so that is how I meant my statement.