Captain's log stardate 221005

We have been passing through A1 territory, through the junction known as Henly's corner to the rich side of the galaxy, Hampstead Garden Suburb. Actually I do that every week when I visit my mum... Anyway, at home within a couple of hours my new Staedtler nib has produced possibly my best picture so far. I studied a few pen drawings before I started and picked a photo with clean lines and few details and off it went! It'll be posted in a few days when it's completed.

Just thinking about my work recently, if you don't get paid for work it's called voluntary work, so if you get paid is it involuntary? Just occured to me. And that either means you're forced to do it, or do it by accident like an epileptic fit. Neither version appeals to me...

I'm learning not to look ahead, it's a pointless waste of energy and only causes trouble. You can't prepare for a thing, least of all tell what it's going to be like, so better to take everything as it comes. It can be pretty inviting to believe planning for various possibilities can improve a future situation somehow, but apart from maybe a performance of some sort (which just needs memorising) I can't think of any that do. It's a habit I've now realised causes anxiety and disappointment, and though imagining things could improve may lift you one point for a minute, it's meaningless. At least it also stops you projecting badness ahead, eg I'm alone now, not ahead etc, meaning you don't imagine the worst ahead as well which is a good cause of depression. Maybe if anyone learns from my mistakes it'll save them wasting energy themselves now.

That means it's no use imagining my personal biggie I just mentioned about being alone except in a masturbatory, ie just to keep my mind busy, way. I'd love to imagine every scenario possible another person I get on with could share my house, whether the lovely older woman I met recently, a girlfriend from schooldays or even the lovely Becki from Big Brother 2004 I met for a few minutes. As I said, pure mental masturbation. And a pointless pursuit on both types as neither can bring you the objects of your desire. But I no longer believe it's something wrong with me that's responsible for my situation, as enough close friends have confirmed it isn't and I now agree. It doesn't have to be a partner, I know many widowed women who live alone and not all enjoy it. I ought to advertise and find a nice widow with a big house who'd like a man around to look after the odd jobs and have someone for company. Maybe the only way I'll do it actually, and that one simply came to me as I wrote.

Little else to report really, 6 days to broadband, if it works. The weird thing is they ask you to install it after they've hooked you up and left. So instead of running the CD and checking it all works, they piss off to save them enough time for about one extra installation a day and hope they needn't come back if it goes phut. And the customer's left waiting days instead of minutes had they done it in the first place. I remember the first dial up CD I had and it said for 3 days I didn't have a modem, so I just used a new provider. I can't with broadband cable so they really ought to finish the job in one trip. I have basically no plans ahead, I've done one and a half pictures this week, will finish the second as I said, and then who the hell knows? I'm not looking ahead, I'm trying to think of the odd job in advance. Of course, my new postal course. See, talking, whether to others or yourself gets answers, and I have a folder of essays to write as part of my ongoing education. But for fun, I can't think of what else besides my arrangement to watch Man Utd (my first team) play Barnet (my second team) in the league cup on Wednesday on Sky. Nowadays it's just a wee bit easier to watch Barnet live (by about 99.99%), so in effect they're my first live team, though of course I can watch Man Utd on TV a little more often (99.99% more...). In fact apart from the odd FA cup highlight I doubt I've seen Barnet on TV before, which doesn't bother me as I go often enough in person.

I'm still passing on my URL to all and sundry, no messages yet but one by one I'll see them and check if they've looked in. I need to remind myself this is not the real world online and concentrate on life outside with this as an extra. The day I realised I was more interested in getting someone to join my forums than talk to them in person I saw I had become part of the matrix. Now I have to use it as a tool not a world. I'm still waiting for the day someone recognises themselves from here. I'd be delighted to be mentioned (I have actually) whatever anyone said as long as it wasn't defamatory, and I am reading about authors who discuss mentioning real people in their books and how it's unavoidable and OK as long as you do it within the law. Otherwise the press and authors would be paralysed and we may as well go back to doing crosswords...