Quiet as the grave

Warning, potentially depressing entry ahead:

OK, if you've got this far at least you've been prepared. I'll start on a high note, did you know the most I get to meeting people socially is after funerals nowadays? I'm not even making it up. I go to the gym as well but as I actually know most people at the funerals I have a reason to converse. Certain members are local to me but do you think they keep in touch the rest of the time? Clearly not.
Otherwise it's become so quiet I sat down and analysed what had happened. It's either deadly dull or stress at the moment, and nothing better. Having returned from photographing disused rail bridges and posting the results on the internet has been the high since appearing on TV (500 UK viewers, firm now closed) a few months ago. Having intermittent earache hasn't helped me do much as it can also make me very tired and limit the ambition to go and do any more than the minimum possible. So what with trips on my bike to the local shops and photos of trees I fit this excitement into little bunches of work and seeing family and a few really incredibly draining people as my actual friends have all managed to leave gracefully.

I reckon if one person old or new arrived to share even parts of my life as an asset and not a demanding boring liability that would be the best key to improvement. And there are so many people out there, but all busy with their own lives. People get married, they get divorced and get married again within a year, I'm approaching 50 and never even been engaged besides a few days 200 miles from the person who then changed their mind. That was a blessing as she asked me and is a real liability but I was desperate. We tried it for a couple of weeks and I know what I was missing now. I admit in that time I did more than I had for ages but on about 5 hours sleep a night (not sex, she woke me up early) and constant shopping that was it. The highs were a day in Belgium and a trip (alone) to the Capital Radio roadshow which happened to be on the way home from taking her to work. And we were all given the prizes as not enough people turned up to compete for them! Yes, those were the days. I was just unemployed at the time and assuming within a year I'd be working again. Shows how you can't see anything ahead.

Now despite doing all I can to keep out of trouble when there's nothing bad there's still nothing good. I have an early (for me) appointment tomorrow and stupid aggravating arrangements following, I hope will be better than assumed. Sometimes you can't say no however much you want to. I ought to get them to come round and sort the accounts fgor me, that'll put her off ever bothering with me again. Actually it may even work...
Interestingly I just saw a programme following the lives of 3 short men, 2 the same height as me. It took me many years to realise I wasn't inferior and was just one more thing I had to deal with after being landed an only child which was probably equally destructive to a person. They both last a lifetime, like missing a leg or two, and unless married once your parents die you're on your own. And whatever age you are, you'll always look 14 to everyone else as well. Good formula. Admittedly my brains seem to be taller than most but it isn't quite as instantly obvious. And some won't believe it anyway. Getting told you think too deeply just means you are boring people who can't follow what you're saying and don't care as long as their alcohol supply is available. They may as well close down every philosophy and psychology department in the world as well while they're at it as they're clearly no value to them or in their opinions anyone else.

So maybe the week ahead could be better. I can't tell until it happens. Until recently I had what I called 'The system' where all the good things that may happen ahead were listed. That ended after my last TV appearance and is now empty. OK, only a few things on it ever did happen, most good things can't be seen coming and were not expected in advance, but it added a little hope. My current system is finishing the list of crap arrangements this week. Not a positive but a negative, which is never a good thing. And believe me, it helps to write it all here as if not I'd have to dump it on someone I know and lose another friend or relative as a result. I learnt that many years ago. And oddly the second best woman I probably met (brutal but accurate) still thinks the sun shines via my rectum but besides being in the woods so deep it would take Ranulf Fiennes a few days to get there she's got someone else already. So even though there is one woman alive suitable who thinks I am as well, but am only in with a chance if said man dies suddenly, which a) won't happen and b) is not the way to gain success. Just knowing the right woman is out there who feels the same about me is not just not good enough, but a fucking insult in many ways. Not by her but by life. Like having a meal in the fridge which is locked. No fucking use really is it? Except to my self esteem which still can't find another person 33 years later who feels the same way and isn't carrying a certificate of insanity. So it may tell me I can get the pick of the crop in theory but that's the same as the cheese shop in Monty Pythoin. It really doesn't matter how good the cheese is if it's not in stock is it?

Trust me, few people in my position could feel any different, it must be impossible. The earache that comes and goes doesn't help my attitude either of course...

Saturday's ramblings

Back again. The tail end of my photos, and at least the work waited till I hadn't any left to take. I took a few gardens and that was more or less it, but the work was clearly more important. Other than that I've had nothing new I can think of, but had to come here for a reason that's not clear yet. I am still waiting to see a woman at the gym about the little issue I mentioned earlier, it could take days or weeks, I never know. My only real project is my photo albums, and I've had no time to promote them yet. I have a new radio quiz since last week so have been phoning that a couple of times, and asked someone I know to call in tonight with the answer to my question as he was the one who gave it to me. I hope he does.

Besides a few standard appointments and pointless social arrangements I have no real plans ahead either, and to cover that and the lack of new photos it's time to clear out the house next. No trouble doing that, and if I get far enough will get a van to remove all the junk at the end of it. I also have the regular accounts to do but that's hardly worth mentioning. Although the last month or so has been fairly reasonable it hasn't gone above the level of average, now in my case that's a great improvement, but I know the highs I'm missing, and these are not up to me to create. They come at random and like anything else seem to be in phases implying the law of attraction does work. Having finally found a discussion on it, with many doubts and criticisms, it just means that if it works we do it all the time anyway, and may as well be in control than let it unfold like a sewage flow. Nothing immoral in that. We can be immoral with or without extra power and it's no different to who we are now if we are given that power, just part of human evolution.

Meanwhile it's been the hottest April on record, equals global warming. Except every time we have warm weather it's global warming, every time it's cold it's an isolated event. Many inches of isolated events fell on the USA last month and no one seems to have mentioned the heavy snow there which easily wipes out any sun in England over the same period. Every pro global warming policy is financial and designed to restrict everyone's lives and freedom. Just the same as anti terrorism laws. David Icke got it right and the few of us who can see through it all need to do only that and convert the sheep one by one. We can't do it any other way. To the people who do see through it it's as obvious as it is to me, but the rest believe the propoganda as if it makes sense, which none of it does. I have assembled all the possible data I can, as did the recent TV programme, that will have to stand on its own and hope one by one people see the sense and rebel against the powers trying to rob us in the name of saving a planet in absolutely no danger. CO2, especially in the tiny quantities we produce (less than 1% of the total) is reabsorbed by nature, the sea and trees. Always has, always will. Self regulating. Do you know how much more CO2 a major volcano emits than humanity? A hell of a lot more. All we need to know. Carbon emissions are irrelevant and rising temperatures are 50% of every day on earth, the other 50% being falling. Up, down and up again, for eternity.

And they think by not driving our cars on a Tuesday the world will be saved. From what? I have to repeat the same message over and over again, one by one people get the point. Meanwhile 800,000 people are due to be added to London in the next few years (10%). That is official, from the mayor. That is the real problem facing the world, global overpopulation. The resources will go a lot further if the population did not increase, rising temperatures as predicted can only help by saving energy usage. Simple childish logic.

Am I wasting my life?

Here I am again, things are what I would call typical, although besides being on another treatment for earache which has improved today, I actually have few obligations lined up at the moment. That I know of anyway. Tomorrow is my day off, although there are accounts to do here at my leisure, ie when I have the time, so once I've been out if it's dry will probably get on with sorting all the receipts for over a year for a random inspection. Again. I know why they do it but can really do without the work even though I get paid for it it's boring and not worth the few pounds I get.
Looking back there's literally nothing worth reporting besides a few photos of nice gardens on my block (this estate actually has proper blocks like America) and was working much of the afternoon on said accounts mainly. The annual lot seem virtually sorted out after explaining our program to the accountant who agreed they have labelled everything with the wrong headings. Not an accounting convention, just a bunch of wank, as they say in Kingsbury.

Last night they were talking about coincidences on the radio so I called in and asked if anyone had seen The Secret, not a squeak. Then the next presenter came on and said he'd planned to talk about coincidences as well before the other one did. And no one called him either. But they are real. I know that much. But sooner or later out of the millions I can't be the only person who wants to investigate it further. I am looking for even one discussion forum on it, and the few I started have screamed to a halt. Such an alleged big deal should have a little more reaction and interest than it has, besides fucking enormous sales and profit figures for the participants. Is that really all it is about, as the critics say? This is the best all or nothing example I have seen, and fairly easily testable compared to most.

Otherwise each day passes with more or less activity, amazingly despite intermittent health problems I've got my chores done, they were just a lot harder than they would have been. Just like my 97 year old grandma, although I now do a lot less, every little job can feel like an achievement. But looking back the main thing I see is they were done. I hadn't taken my albums anywhere else yet but no rush for that, and the pictures I've taken are adding to the next one anyway. In a way besides knowing where to look I've gone to the trouble of driving around for ages taking them, although if you were given a map you could probably polish most of them off in a week. And spend a packet on a good camera as well. I've technically finished my list now, and am finally looking around gardens just in case I see any more nice ones like today. But I've done every decent road within 5 miles of Kingsbury and although I can go to Bushey eventually it isn't that great really. Plus half my relatives are there after they died. It has two associations for me, years of horse riding and the cemetery. We used to go shopping there as well and bought a car in the big Honda garage as well. The health food shop owner also gave me piano lessons for a while. When in doubt trawl past memories.

Beyond that lies Hatch End which has a few possibilities, and used to be one of my shops of choice when I lived near there as it was quiet and easy to park. Pinner has already had all the best photos done on film as we had a friend there years ago. The Northwood and Ruislip which really aren't that photogenic and not worth the trip. In all other directions are run down dumps, Kilburn, Hornsey, and the other way miles of faceless suburbs like Southgate and Palmers Green which are like the dark side in comparison to where I usually go. One day when I get a contact in TV I'll get a documentary walking the London suburbs making my usual comments on how many testicles would buy a house in Hampstead Garden Suburb or how many gangsters live in a street in Stanmore. You can also tell the areas to avoid by the taxi quotient or TQ. When I lived in Canons Park it was about 1 in 10, second only to Ilford and besides one friend who is far from typical all the ones who call the radio are total stereotypes, frustrated professors and politicians. OK, it takes a mechanical memory to pass the knowledge but it's the easiest actual job on earth once you pass, high fares and hours by choice. What could be better? I refused to take my law finals as I knew what the job involved and didn't see the point in qualifying to do a job I couldn't stand. I tried a few other courses and ended up with one not recognised by the state so basically bloody useless. Very helpful to the clients but not one to make a living in.

Besides taxi driving writing articles from home is another well paid holiday, and if I can screw the right person I may one day become published. Actually if I could screw anyone it would be quite nice. Especially if female, and human. Any considered. Time is running out and I can't be too choosy...

Any progress?

What the hell I need to write here to get things going again is probably non existent. I could write the equivalent of a best selling novel and still get the same 9 hard core readers (please don't desert me as well) and wonder if people have stopped reading and writing blogs what has replaced it. Don't ask me. I still do my photo site but don't stop things I was doing before. Anyway. It's only just gone Friday but I may as well look back at the week so far, little else to do. Nice weather, went to Hampstead, Willesden and Dollis Hill (as a result of the previous Willesden visit being diverted to avoid traffic) and I went back today and saw if you look either side of Dollis Hill Avenue you can see north and south of London to both borders. I got a picture of each though ought to use a new memory card to get high definition.

I even started the housework today, emptied some rubbish, washed up and did some washing, which flooded the kitchen as the 30 year old outlet had split. I cut off a few inches and hopefully the remainder is now watertight again. I didn't make one phone call today but should tomorrow, some people have really been left behind and I should do something about it. The weekly trip to my mum has photos each time when it's light, and I have a couple of ideas though of course the new places and angles have virtually run out after so long.
Otherwise I seem to have used up every attempt to analyse and improve life directly or indirectly. This malarkey about attracting what you think about is either true or not and that's as simple as that. Just see if anyone bothers to try it after seeing the DVD. These groups of spiritual pursuits inspire but rarely seem to do more. I did get a massive 3rd eye dream after a Sai Baba service as well as some more clairvoyance, and I did go a few times before the constant repetition became too much to bother. If I had no alternative methods I would have carried on more but it's not the only one by any means.

My lack of major plans is more realistic than before as even when I did, besides keeping me busy didn't often produce any results. Things do seem to just happen when the time is ready or not at all. If there are entities in other dimensions able to see and hear us and influence our lives invisibly I wonder why, with all this power, they'd piss around like children with ant's nests and magnifying glasses. If they can help for christ's sake do something helpful. And more than cancelling the odd nasty arrangement at the last minute. Something of a profit. The fact a few people I know claim to be in contact with these guys yet are unable to transfer their channeling to other people leaves me a bit skeptical. Despite now having three people channel the same information, two through Sasha despite having no knowledge of the other, keeps me looking, but although they give me (meaningless) messages indirectly they seem to be unable or unwilling to contact me directly though they say I need a professional hypnotic regression to do it. My arse, I don't even know anyone else let alone anyone who does it free like I do. Something like that would open up what seems like being buried alive and would be my open door to something better. All these projects start well but never get any further. A few need money to build equipment and the rest just fizzle out.

The people who say I think too deeply miss the point. There's sod all else to do and if I can think that deeply it's a waste not to, many people couldn't if you trained them for years. It's like telling Picasso not to paint so well. I know I can't do lateral thinking well but then again doubt you can get anywhere any quicker when you can. It's like trying to play in two keys at the same time and I do clarity. I don't know if anyone can combine direct and indirect thought or you must stick to one or the other. When I get stuck I ask other people and believe me, when I'm stumped almost everyone else is even more. And the few who seem to know offer methods that appear to have no effect either. Well it's late again so I'd better go to bed before I get hooked again, tell your friends about blogspot as we need more active members although it's still apparently impossible to search for blogs now. Maybe they want it to die?

It all comes to a stop

If life really does go through phases this is the boring one. I do my best to keep busy but the trouble is whatever I do finishes and it's back to nothing. Nothing that has ended leaves an effect in the present so although on paer I've done a reasonable amount, besides some photos on a website the rest is gone. How long this phase will last is not a question that can even be asked, except that normally once I see a phase it means it's ending. These are the only reasons the totally unbelievable idea we attract what we think about may be real. It happens to me and nothing else would explain it.

Not only that but my plans for the week, although followed, ended today and it's only just gone Wednesday. Tomorrow is free until someone comes over in the evening and unless I go for tea in a new kosher cafe in a park in Temple Fortune (on my own) I may not even leave the house whatever the weather. The last two days may have completed my photo list, with some nice ones of Hampstead Heath and some trains in Willesden. After a traffic jam so slow half the people including me did a u turn (where two weeks earlier had been totally clear) and luckily there was a long way round which didn't have much traffic. Willesden High Road is a perfect example of London and every other urban hell on earth. I took photos there once as it was where the Routemaster buses went but the area itself is one straight from Dickens and representative of half of London. Then due to following the railway I did use a few roads I never had and discovered 1930s suburbia does extend further than I realised. Due to the traffic I didn't stop so may return tomorrow. That's one idea at least. So I'm becoming familiar with the back doubles and blocked roads of Dollis Hill. Fascinating.

I am about to search new blogger to see if there are any new ways of finding other blogs, if not it would explain why new readers can't find me as I couldn't find them either. It would be a design fault to end all design faults but stupidity is not a limited quality as anyone can see. Also I don't think the post a photo works from flickr now either, but as what I'm writing may be putting people off I think a couple of pictures may be a welcome diversion.

This is Willesden Green station seen through the bars of the railings, limiting any angle I could get, and was pleased this was more or less how I wanted it. I got a number from the nearby bridge including some trains so had quite a good result for the day's efforts. Had they not put in parking meters I may well have returned more to Willesden Green although not buying more trainers stopped one shop, and besides the charity shops and the jewellers (again, no longer required for gold jewellery) I suppose there wasn't much point going just to look any more. Costs are amazing now. It may cost £1 to park for the average shopping trip, but the bus would cost about £3 altogether and the train at least £4. Basically living in London is just plain fucking expsnsive whichever way you travel, so I now either use a bike or retail parks which are free to park in, although Brent Cross will not be for much longer. And whatever shit we have in London probably applies to the whole country sooner or later. Congestion charging will spread, road humps are national and parking charges probably universal. Despite the dollar reaching a low not seen since the 60s petrol went up 20p or so a gallon in a week and the oil price hasn't even changed. They say it'll be £1 a litre soon and that's for life. And of course it's not to do with saving the planet or the public transport would be cheaper than driving but they put the prices up now because too many people were using it. And not April the first like the barbecue charge turned out to be. And public transport prices are the same for rich and poor so favour the rich and as the poor still need to travel forces them to spend more on that than other options. Lovely country we live in...

Life as a geek

It has gone very quiet. Whether or not my photo ideas are drying up the next project is clearing the house up, which can't be a bad thing. The last two weeks were almost exactly as planned, which meant I kept myself busy, and despite having no awful things to do ahead running out of material still makes things potentially pretty boring. I have discovered not only does my main website have a number of unique internet entries, but now everyone mentioned there has followed them up and I now know the details of Armaretta cars, made in America from 1985-8, and the one I saw apparently only one of 30.

I will have to see. So far there's pretty much a free week ahead, and I have a few little ideas to fill it as usual. Especially as the weather seems to have improved. I've also discovered TV on demand is now up and running, but only available to Sky subscribers or 3G phones (not 3 ones though) for £5 a month, and the full schedules aren't published. My 3rd programme is due but not out yet, and despite not being a Sky subscriber I won't be able to see it any other way besides online with a password, assuming they let me have one (having given up half a day for free for them). Why it is people on TV either get paid a fortune or nothing is a bit strange but they probably cover the huge salaries for the stars by paying the wanabees sod all. At least they didn't want me to pay to appear.

When there's little happening all the minor jobs become more noticed. Haircuts, car washes, gardening etc. Like any other retired geriatric except it can happen at any age when forced on you by life. No one wants to have a totally empty life but when left alone with nothing but a TV radio and computer there's not much else worth doing, and whatever else I do one of them is usually going at the same time. And if I go out besides family there are few if any friends left to visit, and I either piss around local shops as we all have to or go to the park if I'm not taking photos. Or I go there and take the camera with me. One thing fame or a media career would do is break this monotony, I could write and do interviews and get paid as well. As well as meeting people. The more photo albums I get in the area will be the next step so it keeps creeping ahead. The Discovery Kids channel which was dumped through their own lack of effort is going online, but currently although free only has 4 programmes on it. Hardly the same is it? If they intend to expand they may put mine on so everyone I know can see it online. I expect I'll end up doing more UFO programmes as there aren't many other people in the country doing what I do so a fairly captive audience.

I may be linking the blog to another site soon as they seem to have got all the activity we lost here, although besides losing the profile interest links is still the best one from the ones available. I suspect losing the interest links was the last nail in the coffin as unless you bookmark other blogs you can no longer search others in blogger which makes it impossible to find any new ones. Not that anyone adds any more but that'll stop any expansion. I sometimes wonder if anyone else is stuck in my sort of situation. Some overlap but I don't remember anyone with all the circumstances, especially once you include my minimal family size. OK, I'm not an orphan but realised the main reason I didn't fit in with peer groups for 25 years was because I spent most of my time with my parents who had nothing in common with them. And if not my parents then alone as they worked full time and my mother was gone by the time I was 21 anyway. I had to guess how to fit in as I knew people were impressed by certain clothes and attitudes but had no idea what they were. The only time I really did was with the hippies, but at 7 or 8 was too young to really join in although it felt absolutely right for me. Being like that in the 80s doesn't really work in Thatcher's Britain and despising modern fashions and the sheep who followed them meant I never fitted in even with my close friends. I was always a novelty, a freak show who they watched for entertainment as much as seeing for company, and I played up to it. I still do really, although I want to make that image one Woody Allen uses in his films and makes a career from it. I do exagerrate certain things of course simply as I can see people remember it. Clive Bull, who I've called on LBC for 20 years, has now pigeonholed me as the class A geek, so uses me to ask about the internet, collecting and public transport as he knows I can always talk about it. I have profited from pushing the image as at least it's a niche I happily fit into. Of course I prefer sex to car number plates but I can go outside and spot plates all day (and have, believe me) but not have sex. So it seems I'm more into my hobbies but without a girlfriend or wife there's nothing else left to do. But it's not all there is, just all there is to do. That's totally different.

Back again, again

I see it's been a while. Probably a good sign as it means I was busy and didn't have time to write here, but also there wasn't much to write. Planning has been good, and each week for the last few has been closer to how I planned it than the last. The good news being there was enough each day to fill it usefully. Besides a little work on Wednesday and doing my mum's garden today it's been photos every day. I worked my way through each flickr group, and have done buses and gardens after the stations last time. And I'm pleased with the results. Other than that I've hardly done a thing but haven't really noticed.

I have also started this year's gardening, done in record time for a change, possibly as I did more last year so wasn't overgrown. But it has been pretty quiet but reasonably tolerable. Only the anticlimax of the empty house at night which rather than get used to becomes like the Chinese water torture and wears me down gradually. So having reported a whole week's activity what do I do to fill the remaining space?

Outer stories dry up like an ancient vagina. All these portents of changes and developments actually leave us with a world just as it was before but more boring. Global warming would liven things up if it happened, the TV coverage of floods and the like would be like New Orleans and the tsunami all the time and the companies would double the viewers. That's why it's still snowing across half the USA this week and I think they'd enjoy it as much as we would here in England. If only. I've forgotten all the other distant predictions as they never happened, and even the stupid internet TV programme I was in hasn't been on a month after unofficially scheduled. Big news is rarer than people realise as most they see is possible, never happened and then forgotten about. War in Iraq was not news, it was a waste of our money and didn't affect us here one bit besides raising our taxes to pay for it. Terrorism is not news, it's the lowest of the low behaving like savages and no relevance to life or society, just scum. The biggest news of 2007 has been the release of the TX4 London cab, the first new car to go on the road in the UK with an older style than the previous (unlike Japan who had loads). I called the radio twice about it and also got to talk about Funtrivia and other transport related stuff which brought in many more enthusiasts.

I have also now got two friends on Funtrivia after 7 years, though neither have posted anything yet. I have no plans now. Tomorrow will be the live online quiz if awake, and that's it until I go to the gym. No photos as I took every one on my list this week. If it's as nice as they predict I may go out on my bike again. The car wash was finally working the 4th time of trying, so it now almost looks like new. Socially it's been dead besides 2 clients (OK, shouldn't count) and talking to the woman next door while doing the garden, but I was too busy to notice. Well, I mustn't look ahead as I'm not there yet so will stop that now, and if this blog has become boring then try being here. I'm not complaining now as it wasn't too bad, but certainly not worth reporting, but I'm all out of fantasy now and also run out of poo jokes. Took me 47 years but it happened. That's showbiz...

In a world of my own

If possible we should laugh at life. Take nothing too seriously. It's marginally easier to do this with other people's problems than our own, but it can work. I can't see much to laugh at, do or anything else at the moment, though I am getting to know someone better and better who is taken, too young, unsuitable and one of the only women I know at the moment besides one who thinks I'm too young (as if that was possible) who has any effect on me. I get more from spending a little time with her than a lot with most other women, even if something actually happens. It's the quality that counts and I saw it the first day I ever saw her and it grows each time since. That's one example of letting it happen out of my control, it's got its own momentum and however unlikely any progress would be I am happy the way things are going as they are.


So, possibly for the first time blogger removed 2 paragraphs. I removed a third as it made me look like more of a geek than I really am. Yes, it is possible. I basically was repeating the same story as usual in different ways and may have done everyone a favour losing it all. So I have to replace it with something. It was only because there was nothing else to do and I was listening to web radio I came back here at all. I also said I seem to have lost everyone but family and cat, the other people being either like the sort of people you see every day on the bsu and recognise but rarely if ever speak to, and the others less than useful. Worse than neutral. But even in prison people usually prefer to be sharing a cell with a couple of perverts than solitary. But my experience with tenants showed this not to be the case. I've met a number of evil men but possibly just the one woman, who shared my house for 9 months. Anyone who saw the witches in Dr Who last weekend she made them look like Margaret Thatcher and Shirley Williams. She was the real deal. One person (I was aware of) wouldn't even come in my house because of her.

So I appear to be surrounded by a cast of Twilight Zone meets One flew over the cuckoo's nest. And a bit of Rain Man, not that I saw it. Even Forrest Gump would be an improvement but I do know a few as well. Having a diary I can mention the week ahead, having done the station photos last week, despite very few variations it's bus photos next. That or sod all. Then mow the lawn, work on Wednesday and the rest is mystery. Predictable possibly but last week was actually pretty good. Five straight days of photos, no work as described yesterday, and a little necessary shopping. Maybe the lack of life will force me to meditate more as whatever else happens that is always the same. Not the results but the system. And it can't make me worse and usually makes me better, even for a few minutes. Just for fun (I am bored) it's April so I'll quickly review 2007's little highs so far. I have:

Interestingly the computer ate this paragraph. Just read the earlier entries and you'll find out, it was fuck all really, who was I ever trying to kid.

I may have missed a few things and as this clearly has a bug and ate another paragraph the angels are trying to stop me. I did point out this is as good as therapy, free and get as much feedback as many in analysis, and if I can work things out here others may learn as well. Though people vary I can only assume we all share the same spectrum of feelings, as do animals, and problems are the same whoever you are. Only so many with personal variations. Well before this arsehole of a computer kills any more of my writing I'd better save this and piss off.

Gone rather quiet

A busy week taking photos, filing and little else besides a couple of hours doing my mum's garden. But looking back there's sod all now and ahead unless I think of things when the time comes. But you can run out with no work and precious few friends. A real challenge.
Otherwise my life and mind are blank. I see a hard core of regular visitors here so at least I'm not writing for nothing. Knowing how little I had to report was also a challenge and as I've written every variation on philosophy and bodily functions here, plus plenty of nostalgia there's not a lot left in the system.
So many authors and composers say they are apparently taken over when writing, Jung and Freud would say it was a blockage from the creative subconscious but I'm not so sure, especially with talents and information beyond their own. This should happen to me now, I'm open to it and in the past I've put together some pretty good ideas straight off with no planning that only formed as I wrote them.

One question is how long, if at all, will it take for the majority to realise global warming is created to steal our money and not a realistic issue. The evidence is overwhelming but the press on regardless as most people don't believe the authorities capable of such a con. I wish. Even the first line of attack fails as many scientists say the temperatures aren't rising at all. If experts can disagree even on this I'd give up already but no. And if it was, a) I'd say it's a good thing (saving energy and hypothermia) and b) we couldn't do a thing to stop it. End of. Just a little climate variation at a faster than average pace. Big fucking deal. They blew it up to look like the martians were coming and without the slightest criticism the majority of people accepted the figures all based on things happening in 2080. I am reaching a level of major authority after collecting as many links and statistics that even if a fraction are true means the whole thing is made up. The TV programme said most of it and may have won a few over but the momentum appears to carry on. If it wasn't an excuse to steal more of our money (obtaining money by deception is theft) I couldn't care less how scared people were based on absolutely nothing but that's why they made it up in the first place. For any doubters just remembered how they arranged attacking Iraq which cost us all so much they need a reason to rob us to get it back.

So there's one paragraph I'd need many years to prove and would rather in a way was true as Britain would do very well from global warming, although they'd still pretend it was our fault and tax the world to poverty. If it wasn't for that detail it would be easier to believe but it's only a very effective way to take our money.

The other minor issue that may or may not be a fairy story is the new DVD The Secret I recently watched. That's a simple answer. Try it and see if it works. If it does there's no need to understand why. The first example I see working (remember, it works for all thoughts, good, bad and indifferent, is I predicted last week an unknown American would win the Master's golf and Zach Johnson is just about to in 10 minutes or so. Boring and predictable, but if the universe is in me then only I make it all happen, but that's a different DVD. But either way it's all I can experience and it's become extremely boring at the moment every way I look. But for how long?

Did it happen?

Well, despite being predicted I did more or less word for word what I expected but it was fine. The rain forced me not only to tidy my desk and papers but finally find my appliance instructions mislaid when the old kitchen was ripped out. Then I went to mum for dinner but took my camera and got some nice pictures on the way. As it was passover we watched the old family videos (now 18 years old) as we didn't have a camera and friends took a few special occasions for us. Seeing half the people who are no longer alive showed they may be dead but they're not gone, it was just like they were real.

Tomorrow is free so far, planned to either go to Ealing or Stanmore for photos and football on TV later, with as many other little jobs as I can. No urgency for any but want to use the chance to go out. Once my health settles down life returns to near normal, and the less stress the more it does. If I had a few people around me as well it could almost be like it was years ago. Then my problems were exam related and however good life was I always had courses to take, fail and worry about. The last proper one was 2001 believe it or not, which took the same route but passed all but one (plus O level maths which I never resat) altogether. Back then the only gap was when I didn't have a girlfriend, and that was erratic and had its moments. They did come and go a lot faster and easier till I reached 30 and then it dried up. Everyone else was married and I was left over like the guy with a limp at the marathon dragging along at the back. Except even they get there eventually and have a specific route.

Looking back, my most important requirement was always freedom. That is fine as far as it goes but didn't factor in other people. Whether I'd ever choose people over freedom I'm not sure. If I could arrange it as having a family at home and job outside I probably would now. I discovered at 16 freedom was crap when alone, as I left school and had 9 months free while my friends were still at school as I took my exams early. I worked, went abroad and mainly hung around lost, but still hate having to do things I don't like and prefer to do what I please. Not even unrealistic as since I lost my last real job that's been more or less as it is. Like being either retired or very rich and no need to work. If you're not alone I'd recommend it to anybody as I have never actually wasted my time. Years of helping my widowed grandma and then mother (second husband that is) wouldn't have been possible, no other children or grandchildren besides me, and it gave me the chance to write, paint and take photos. And one morning in 1998 when I had a girlfriend staying here as a trial marriage (total disaster) I woke up with nothing to do one morning and ended up in Belgium. That is freedom. Not planned, just something I realised I had time to do, though we aimed for Boulogne but passed Ashford and popped into the Eurostar stop to see if we could get to Brussels, and the train was due in 30 minutes. A bit of luck and a bit of judgement, but only possible due to freedom.

Nowadays I get up too late but still wander around locally, mainly with the camera. Almost always alone now, which takes much of the edge off it, but besides my 100 mile plus trips usually were. Well tomorrow's almost another day, as technically it already is. More than that I don't know.

Ways in and out

I am running out of material. I have at least managed to make a small list for this week and my energy levels, affected by both the dreadful news recently I won't keep referring back to and the repetition of my earache which seems to be on the mend. Once I add together each of the little jobs it should fill out a week of little known, and last week produced as much as it needed although I was worn out most of the time.
So I suppose once tomorrow arrives (planned), then once Wednesday comes and I can either do my long photo run or get some jobs done with my album then by Thursday half the week will have been productive already. There's nothing else left besides the dental checkup and I think they know me well enough to let that go, I hope.

Big plans have all dried up though. I have 2 speaking TV appearances under my belt, one shown in Canada on Saturday, and one to come online sooner or later. Unless another programme chooses to pick me up that one is now out of my hands. Women are off the agenda altogether, not my choice this time and unless I try speed dating will remain so for the forseeable future. One question I have is whether anyone else in my exact situation would react the same ways? Imagine every member of your family leaves you, then your friends, and you are left in a house alone with no one besides a few scattered family members and people who want to be your friends but are not the ones you want to see. Add a selection of assorted health problems and although you have the freedom and pay the bills it's a bit like being on a desert island. You have enough to survive but little hope of change, activity or rescue. Making the best of it is something I've done for a long time, but am running out of directions. Besides the local parks and wandering around London NW11 as if I still lived near there there's not much left worth going to round here. I reluctantly go shopping as the house is crammed with things and any which I need I have and only shop for household stuff and food. I have enough clothes till I'm about 700 as it turns out clothes rarely wear out. Or trainers. Mine last at least 10 years a pair which is good, but I wouldn't have bought so many had I known they lasted a lot longer than shoes.

So as long as I have plans each day they go by one by one and very few are wasted. It is disappointing so few of my bigger plans- psychic research projects, women, friends, selling things I write and create etc have come to nothing, as really there is little more I could do besides what I already have to promote myself. OK, the latest book and DVD tell me this is a system where what I think becomes real, although all the people suffering in the 3rd world make me wonder how even the most careless thinkers can bring that shit into their lives. But the actual way they explain their own experiences actually fits many of mine so I can't dismiss it, but will keep testing it and make up my own mind as there are plenty of things we can't know at the moment but doesn't stop any of them being real. The very fact you may have felt good in your life, but as one of our instructors says not the same as if you meditate is a truth I know. How humans are created so unless you press a switch somewhere we can't reach our full potential is a weird mechanism of nature but a fact. People take drugs to get the same things and probably do, at a huge cost. But it's still rarely possible without a push and they just do it a harmful way. And I reckon one reason I return to hippy culture over and over again is they tapped into this potential and based a whole way of life on it. The squares won in the end, fashions never last and human nature destroyed the last of it through massive egos, but the rules remain for anyone who wants to apply them.

I aspire for more, partly as when I had a reasonable life (only lacking a partner) I found it became boring. Meditation was the only alternative and when that didn't work very often I looked around for other ways. Once that had been exhausted at no benefit to me I realised ordinary was OK having seen some of the alternatives, but had turned a corner where I didn't even have that as described earlier. Each new offer of hope dies on the branch before falling into my hand, natural and especially supernatural. Then another comes which I check out and end up dismissing them one by one, so far. One thing I have learnt is never to share my breakthroughs, as people just don't care. They're found by me and only for me. And what means a lot to me rarely does to anyone else. I'd like an out of body experience, for example. It would mean we could basically have total freedom of movement and should include other dimensions reported by most who have them. When I saw auras it added a dimension that made the world a more interesting place but that went away. As for the claims aliens can see and hear everything we do by telepathy would mean there was the chance we could be connected to billions of people at will using only our minds. These fascinate me and apparently leave most ordinary people with full and happy lives cold.

I just wish the fuckers would land in the middle of Hendon now and force the issue. If 3/4 of the populations shit themselves hard bloody luck. But all the governments and liars who try and control our lives would be out of a job as anything they said wasn't true or possible suddenly would be. And besides my few subjects telling me the same things, it has to be more than telepathy as they describe science not know by other people so must be getting it from somewhere else. And don't just rely on my communication as it's all televised already and growing. Even if they never do I still have pages of diagrams that appear to be mathematically possible. I can't say so but I have a small team of scientists who have. That must amount to something.