Monday, April 30, 2007

Quiet as the grave

Warning, potentially depressing entry ahead:

OK, if you've got this far at least you've been prepared. I'll start on a high note, did you know the most I get to meeting people socially is after funerals nowadays? I'm not even making it up. I go to the gym as well but as I actually know most people at the funerals I have a reason to converse. Certain members are local to me but do you think they keep in touch the rest of the time? Clearly not.
Otherwise it's become so quiet I sat down and analysed what had happened. It's either deadly dull or stress at the moment, and nothing better. Having returned from photographing disused rail bridges and posting the results on the internet has been the high since appearing on TV (500 UK viewers, firm now closed) a few months ago. Having intermittent earache hasn't helped me do much as it can also make me very tired and limit the ambition to go and do any more than the minimum possible. So what with trips on my bike to the local shops and photos of trees I fit this excitement into little bunches of work and seeing family and a few really incredibly draining people as my actual friends have all managed to leave gracefully.

I reckon if one person old or new arrived to share even parts of my life as an asset and not a demanding boring liability that would be the best key to improvement. And there are so many people out there, but all busy with their own lives. People get married, they get divorced and get married again within a year, I'm approaching 50 and never even been engaged besides a few days 200 miles from the person who then changed their mind. That was a blessing as she asked me and is a real liability but I was desperate. We tried it for a couple of weeks and I know what I was missing now. I admit in that time I did more than I had for ages but on about 5 hours sleep a night (not sex, she woke me up early) and constant shopping that was it. The highs were a day in Belgium and a trip (alone) to the Capital Radio roadshow which happened to be on the way home from taking her to work. And we were all given the prizes as not enough people turned up to compete for them! Yes, those were the days. I was just unemployed at the time and assuming within a year I'd be working again. Shows how you can't see anything ahead.

Now despite doing all I can to keep out of trouble when there's nothing bad there's still nothing good. I have an early (for me) appointment tomorrow and stupid aggravating arrangements following, I hope will be better than assumed. Sometimes you can't say no however much you want to. I ought to get them to come round and sort the accounts fgor me, that'll put her off ever bothering with me again. Actually it may even work...
Interestingly I just saw a programme following the lives of 3 short men, 2 the same height as me. It took me many years to realise I wasn't inferior and was just one more thing I had to deal with after being landed an only child which was probably equally destructive to a person. They both last a lifetime, like missing a leg or two, and unless married once your parents die you're on your own. And whatever age you are, you'll always look 14 to everyone else as well. Good formula. Admittedly my brains seem to be taller than most but it isn't quite as instantly obvious. And some won't believe it anyway. Getting told you think too deeply just means you are boring people who can't follow what you're saying and don't care as long as their alcohol supply is available. They may as well close down every philosophy and psychology department in the world as well while they're at it as they're clearly no value to them or in their opinions anyone else.

So maybe the week ahead could be better. I can't tell until it happens. Until recently I had what I called 'The system' where all the good things that may happen ahead were listed. That ended after my last TV appearance and is now empty. OK, only a few things on it ever did happen, most good things can't be seen coming and were not expected in advance, but it added a little hope. My current system is finishing the list of crap arrangements this week. Not a positive but a negative, which is never a good thing. And believe me, it helps to write it all here as if not I'd have to dump it on someone I know and lose another friend or relative as a result. I learnt that many years ago. And oddly the second best woman I probably met (brutal but accurate) still thinks the sun shines via my rectum but besides being in the woods so deep it would take Ranulf Fiennes a few days to get there she's got someone else already. So even though there is one woman alive suitable who thinks I am as well, but am only in with a chance if said man dies suddenly, which a) won't happen and b) is not the way to gain success. Just knowing the right woman is out there who feels the same about me is not just not good enough, but a fucking insult in many ways. Not by her but by life. Like having a meal in the fridge which is locked. No fucking use really is it? Except to my self esteem which still can't find another person 33 years later who feels the same way and isn't carrying a certificate of insanity. So it may tell me I can get the pick of the crop in theory but that's the same as the cheese shop in Monty Pythoin. It really doesn't matter how good the cheese is if it's not in stock is it?

Trust me, few people in my position could feel any different, it must be impossible. The earache that comes and goes doesn't help my attitude either of course...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Just letting you know I am a witness to your woes. They will pass and be replaced by other ones.

No matter what woman you end up attracting, the honeymoon will fade and the bloom will fall from the rose. If you keep this info close at hand during said honeymoon period, then you'll be better able to milk it for all it is worth.

You must inevitably socialize in person with groups of strangers if you ever really wanna pair up with some dame. Why not a camera/photography club? A church of some sort? Some sort of volunteer work? An amateur theatre? An animal related organization or charity?

And yet you are where you are supposed to be and have had the life you were supposed to have. Isn't it curious how you have ideals that have not been met? We all do. We all have to eat our fair share of shit. Every one. Not a single soul on earth escaping it. Your configuration of shit is as unique as your finger print or dna.

AL in Kent