Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Did it happen?

Well, despite being predicted I did more or less word for word what I expected but it was fine. The rain forced me not only to tidy my desk and papers but finally find my appliance instructions mislaid when the old kitchen was ripped out. Then I went to mum for dinner but took my camera and got some nice pictures on the way. As it was passover we watched the old family videos (now 18 years old) as we didn't have a camera and friends took a few special occasions for us. Seeing half the people who are no longer alive showed they may be dead but they're not gone, it was just like they were real.

Tomorrow is free so far, planned to either go to Ealing or Stanmore for photos and football on TV later, with as many other little jobs as I can. No urgency for any but want to use the chance to go out. Once my health settles down life returns to near normal, and the less stress the more it does. If I had a few people around me as well it could almost be like it was years ago. Then my problems were exam related and however good life was I always had courses to take, fail and worry about. The last proper one was 2001 believe it or not, which took the same route but passed all but one (plus O level maths which I never resat) altogether. Back then the only gap was when I didn't have a girlfriend, and that was erratic and had its moments. They did come and go a lot faster and easier till I reached 30 and then it dried up. Everyone else was married and I was left over like the guy with a limp at the marathon dragging along at the back. Except even they get there eventually and have a specific route.

Looking back, my most important requirement was always freedom. That is fine as far as it goes but didn't factor in other people. Whether I'd ever choose people over freedom I'm not sure. If I could arrange it as having a family at home and job outside I probably would now. I discovered at 16 freedom was crap when alone, as I left school and had 9 months free while my friends were still at school as I took my exams early. I worked, went abroad and mainly hung around lost, but still hate having to do things I don't like and prefer to do what I please. Not even unrealistic as since I lost my last real job that's been more or less as it is. Like being either retired or very rich and no need to work. If you're not alone I'd recommend it to anybody as I have never actually wasted my time. Years of helping my widowed grandma and then mother (second husband that is) wouldn't have been possible, no other children or grandchildren besides me, and it gave me the chance to write, paint and take photos. And one morning in 1998 when I had a girlfriend staying here as a trial marriage (total disaster) I woke up with nothing to do one morning and ended up in Belgium. That is freedom. Not planned, just something I realised I had time to do, though we aimed for Boulogne but passed Ashford and popped into the Eurostar stop to see if we could get to Brussels, and the train was due in 30 minutes. A bit of luck and a bit of judgement, but only possible due to freedom.

Nowadays I get up too late but still wander around locally, mainly with the camera. Almost always alone now, which takes much of the edge off it, but besides my 100 mile plus trips usually were. Well tomorrow's almost another day, as technically it already is. More than that I don't know.

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