Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Ways in and out

I am running out of material. I have at least managed to make a small list for this week and my energy levels, affected by both the dreadful news recently I won't keep referring back to and the repetition of my earache which seems to be on the mend. Once I add together each of the little jobs it should fill out a week of little known, and last week produced as much as it needed although I was worn out most of the time.
So I suppose once tomorrow arrives (planned), then once Wednesday comes and I can either do my long photo run or get some jobs done with my album then by Thursday half the week will have been productive already. There's nothing else left besides the dental checkup and I think they know me well enough to let that go, I hope.

Big plans have all dried up though. I have 2 speaking TV appearances under my belt, one shown in Canada on Saturday, and one to come online sooner or later. Unless another programme chooses to pick me up that one is now out of my hands. Women are off the agenda altogether, not my choice this time and unless I try speed dating will remain so for the forseeable future. One question I have is whether anyone else in my exact situation would react the same ways? Imagine every member of your family leaves you, then your friends, and you are left in a house alone with no one besides a few scattered family members and people who want to be your friends but are not the ones you want to see. Add a selection of assorted health problems and although you have the freedom and pay the bills it's a bit like being on a desert island. You have enough to survive but little hope of change, activity or rescue. Making the best of it is something I've done for a long time, but am running out of directions. Besides the local parks and wandering around London NW11 as if I still lived near there there's not much left worth going to round here. I reluctantly go shopping as the house is crammed with things and any which I need I have and only shop for household stuff and food. I have enough clothes till I'm about 700 as it turns out clothes rarely wear out. Or trainers. Mine last at least 10 years a pair which is good, but I wouldn't have bought so many had I known they lasted a lot longer than shoes.

So as long as I have plans each day they go by one by one and very few are wasted. It is disappointing so few of my bigger plans- psychic research projects, women, friends, selling things I write and create etc have come to nothing, as really there is little more I could do besides what I already have to promote myself. OK, the latest book and DVD tell me this is a system where what I think becomes real, although all the people suffering in the 3rd world make me wonder how even the most careless thinkers can bring that shit into their lives. But the actual way they explain their own experiences actually fits many of mine so I can't dismiss it, but will keep testing it and make up my own mind as there are plenty of things we can't know at the moment but doesn't stop any of them being real. The very fact you may have felt good in your life, but as one of our instructors says not the same as if you meditate is a truth I know. How humans are created so unless you press a switch somewhere we can't reach our full potential is a weird mechanism of nature but a fact. People take drugs to get the same things and probably do, at a huge cost. But it's still rarely possible without a push and they just do it a harmful way. And I reckon one reason I return to hippy culture over and over again is they tapped into this potential and based a whole way of life on it. The squares won in the end, fashions never last and human nature destroyed the last of it through massive egos, but the rules remain for anyone who wants to apply them.

I aspire for more, partly as when I had a reasonable life (only lacking a partner) I found it became boring. Meditation was the only alternative and when that didn't work very often I looked around for other ways. Once that had been exhausted at no benefit to me I realised ordinary was OK having seen some of the alternatives, but had turned a corner where I didn't even have that as described earlier. Each new offer of hope dies on the branch before falling into my hand, natural and especially supernatural. Then another comes which I check out and end up dismissing them one by one, so far. One thing I have learnt is never to share my breakthroughs, as people just don't care. They're found by me and only for me. And what means a lot to me rarely does to anyone else. I'd like an out of body experience, for example. It would mean we could basically have total freedom of movement and should include other dimensions reported by most who have them. When I saw auras it added a dimension that made the world a more interesting place but that went away. As for the claims aliens can see and hear everything we do by telepathy would mean there was the chance we could be connected to billions of people at will using only our minds. These fascinate me and apparently leave most ordinary people with full and happy lives cold.

I just wish the fuckers would land in the middle of Hendon now and force the issue. If 3/4 of the populations shit themselves hard bloody luck. But all the governments and liars who try and control our lives would be out of a job as anything they said wasn't true or possible suddenly would be. And besides my few subjects telling me the same things, it has to be more than telepathy as they describe science not know by other people so must be getting it from somewhere else. And don't just rely on my communication as it's all televised already and growing. Even if they never do I still have pages of diagrams that appear to be mathematically possible. I can't say so but I have a small team of scientists who have. That must amount to something.

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